Watch your back and

watch your mail..seems Mr. Bush has given the okay for the federal government to "check" your mail whenever they wish without warrant or apparent reason; maybe just curious, suspicious or a slow spy day. I feel they know what I do every moment..I don't really care either. There is "still" freedom of speak in this country. There must be (except for certain party owned media stations who are told what to report and not report) anyway we certainly hope so. But, educated American such as myself can read between the lines, we read, do not listen to ignorant, arrogant Rush Limbaugh and we listen to CNN and MSNBC. And therefore, we know that the federal government errors on the side of special interest groups of big business, the media never mention the real reason we are in Iraq. By the way, it's a one word answer beginning with the letter "o". Hint: It's a commodity in limited quantities and the whole world is in competition over it but the American "xxx" companies want the most of it and want to make the biggest profit margin from it at the risk of poisoning all of human kind and destroying the very planet we live on and it habitats. Profit is key! The message: Make all the money you can possibly make and the hell with life on earth or earth itself.

Nine eleven sure did big favors for the government and big business didn't it? What a convenient coincidence. Don't' you agree? A little too convenient as for as I am concerned. Big hint: Perfectly placed cameras to catch the planes actually hitting the building.. both times from different angles and directions!

We all know that our government and probably both sides of the aisle are out to please special interest group - a nice way of saying "big business" profit margins." Create a war: What a way to put your tax money into special interest pockets. Trickle down effect? No! Not when the major majority of profits gets paid out to CEOs and former CEOs and and extra-huge buy-out packages.

In the meantime, your good paying job just got shipped to India or another third world country and now you have to work, practically around the clock, on three jobs to keep up the type of living you have grown accustomed to. And you know you are living on the edge with one serious illness, or accident, or lost of job away from bankruptcy and homelessness. What about saving for a raining day - not possible. And retirement? Forget it!

And what ever happened to the "south of the border" problem with at least three thousand illegals slipping into this country everyday? What is being done about that? What bigger school for these kids so they get free education? Oh yes, and you, the tax payer, pays for it! You're so nice! Oh and free emergency medical attention! What? You have to pay? Oh, too bad - you or a "legalized" citizen; so you can work hard while others reap the benefits and take possible jobs away from you. Jobs you may not have a choice but work one day and be damn glad you have that low paying job because that is all there is. Between jobs getting shipped to India and Mexicans slipping through the border to work jobs illegally...you don't stand a chance you are heading to join the homeless population which is every growing in number.

Yes, thank you Mr. Bush for NOT looking out for us. Terrorist my ass...this was was made up and all for big business and special interest profits. Hey, nice ride while it lasted; but, like everything else the American public has finally "caught on" to theatrics.

Getting together with my friends..

I'll see my afternoon friend today. I walked with L yesterday. And I can't wait to see my dear sweet friends tomorrow evening. It seems that it's been forever since I've seen them. I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold her close to my heart and kiss her head. I can't wait to see them tomorrow.

How can someone just be so special to me. We just clicked I guess. She brightens my day and fills my heart.

So, since I got up at 3:30 AM this morning to take a pair of friends to the airport I think I'll go back to sleep. It's 7:00 AM and dawn is breaking. It will rain today and I say good for being cozy in bed.

Yes, my friend dates a woman from the Philippines and she was here visiting for about a week and now they are both headed to San Francisco to do a horticulture retreat with a witch in the California hills on a monk farm - or something. They off to the Philippines from there and my friend will stay there with her girlfriend for three months.

Needless to say, my car was piled with luggage this morning and happy faces. Now, I would like to go to San Francisco...and the Arizona desert...but I'll save the Philippines for another life time maybe.

There are times I think I would like to travel..but not necessary right now. My brain is in a necessary state of "let's save money" mode. It has to be, for I'm living on the edge. Money's tight.

My friend's Filipino girlfriend is very nice and kinda quiet. A few years younger than my friend. I think she would be fun. My friend, however, is a bit neurotic and uptight a lot. There is a distinct difference in her demeanor when she is not happy or things are not going well.

I guess that hold true with everyone..some just handle it better than others. This one can turn rather pathetic and hopeless in a second. She reminds me of my mother...god forbid! Yes, a little manipulative, self-centered and the world is happy only if I'm happy.

This is how I am: I don't usually complain. I have to not think about my past, especially my young life. I have to NOT think about all the wonderful young women I could have made love to because it makes my aching heart cry out. I have to not think about the good doctor from time to time..because that makes my heart cry out in need of her. I have definitely have to NOT think too hard about my very young friend and be very sad about the 33 years that separate us physically. We are so alike. But, would I adore her if we were very close in age. Yes! I think that I would have. It breaks my heart!

So, I'm loving one deeply with a very special love and having sex with another. Well, I care about the other but I'm in love with her. No, I have to fall in love with an unobtainable. Is that what makes me want her so? The unavailability? Or are we such so much alike?

No, I have to think. Hey, it's just the way life is; we can't help who we fall in love with. I only hope that soon I can fall very much in love with someone obtainable. I mean someone who is available to love me too, in return. Someone who truly moves me passionately too. Someone whom I desire more than words can express and I can only hope she feels the same about me. She will be a lot like me in appearance and style and attitude. She definitely will love my friends too and enjoy being around them. I don't want to get into a relationship then "disappear". Too much along time with another solely cannot be good.

It's time for my nap; I hope I can sleep a few hours before m gets here.

A Walk Around the Lake

I was walking with my friend today around the lake. She was in a good mood; the first time after her breakup of a seven year relationship. She said. "You now I think I like being alone. I can come and go when I want and I can be myself without worrying about how it affects the other person. And I no longer had to worry about 'the look' from across the room like why are you do that?"

Yes, there are certain advantages about being single. I loved alone until I was about forty and then I was in a fifteen year relationship. Which really was okay; but, the time we needed to be together had just come to an end.

So, I'm making my own decision and I'm keeping into myself. I'm a little afraid of another relationship; afraid I'll lose myself.

The long term relationship was my first. I was trying to fine my niche in life. It was time! Soon after we got together I cropped my hair and start buying men's clothes? I have no idea what came over me. I still exercise soon. I felt "out of my element". Just like a kid, or being with men, I gave away my power. I thought love meant assimilation and leaving the authentic me behind.

I was uncomfortable in my own skin. When I look at pictures of me, balded, heavier, and in men's loose fitting clothes. I think. "Who is that?"

Now I'm back to being me. I'm slender, more feminine, much longer hair. and sporting women's boots. I even keep my toe nails painted. Nothing but women's clothes for me. I'm back! And I'm cute. With all the running, working-out, yoga, bicycling and dancing.. I'm very slender and I think pretty dang nice!

Anyway, I'm home! I care about my ex and all my friends. I am amazed at the young group of lesbians that I meet. They are feminine! It makes my heart ache to think how much I have missed throughout the years. It makes me sad. I'm grateful that young people have so much more social support in their communities and families. A lesbian need not be butch in men's clothes and over weight. It is just not necessary! Don't ask me why for years lesbians thought they have to roll play. This would make Bush happy: One man and one woman in every marriage! It kills me when I see a suite and a dress in a lesbian wedding picture. Jesus, I just spent how many years dating men? If I still wanted a man I would have married one of them. I want a woman! A warm, loving, sweet, with nothing to proud, no super ego to sport, woman. A feminine woman. A natural!

I know they exist because my younger friends are just like that and I love it! I do realize that there are "degrees" of homosexuality. It's a spectrum; and I understand that clearly. I don't care about the spectrum I want a woman.

They say there is power in intention. Well, I asked (actually begged) the universe for help me have sex. So, that worked out.

Now, I wouldn't mind falling head-over-heels in love with a warm, loving, sweet, giving and feminine woman like the "good doctor" - oh how I miss her so much at times and her arms around me.

So let's see what the power of intention has in store for me now. Because, yes, I am ready for a relationship of mutual respect and love; yet I can keep on running, swimming and whatever I enjoy doing during the day. Writing. I want to write more. I don't need to be alone in life to to these things; I just need a wonderful person whom I love and she loves me and honors my abilities and things I love to do as I will her. I will love her so very much and love to make love to her. I want her to be very easy to be with. She will be someone who let's me be me. She won't be bossy or demanding. She'll be thoughtful and loving and nurturing. I can't wait! Actually, I think I met her the other evening and I think I'll see her again this weekend with the L-word preview coming up. Too cool! I'm excited.

Life is fun! Be careful what you wish for; because wishing is "power of intention" and you may just get what you want and actually, really need. I believe the universe wants to help us and make us happy. We just have to free our minds and allow happiness and love to happen. I firmly believe this..

One Percent

of the people in America are the wealthy making about 865,000 per year as CEO. Ninety percent make up lower than middle class making an average of $34,000 annually.

The gap between the very rich and lower middle class is becoming larger. There are more lower middle class citizens then upper middle class citizens now. Many middle class citizens work more than one job and struggle to hold their social status.

One month away from homelessness and bankruptcy that is how many middle class citizens live and without savings and many without saving accounts for retirements. They can barely manage to live from paycheck to paycheck without trying to save for that raining day or even think of retirement.

The average thirty year old American who probably work well into their 70's. People are healthier longer now. And it's true sixty is more like forty..even younger than forty (my personal perspective - thank you!)

A much higher education is needed today to even make a lower middle class income and barely can keep up with inflation. Teachers with master's degrees are lucky to make about $40,000. Of course it depends on the affluence of the area where you teach.

I'm still missing my dog.. Emma

I had to put her down a week ago today. I hope she is doing okay! I'm sure she is. She is probably chasing rabbits...well, she never did before but maybe she took it up since she crossed over.

Anyway, I used to walk her five or six times a day. Today, I only went outside twice.. to run and then to check for mail. Anyway, the bottom line is I have more time to write now.

I thought typing was to keep me from snacking.. but here I am eating nuts and typing too!

I'm watching J. Leno and George Clooney. Where is Bush when it comes to aiding Darfur in Africia. Bush is only interested in oil. I don't know why the crooks in Washington just don't tell us what they are up to. We are not stupid. We know they are putting our tax dollars into their pockets in the cover of "Haliburton" instead of spending "our" money on us and putting the money back into the sytem for AIDS, health insurance, jobs, homes and so many other social benefits we need. The government needs to keep "the people in mind" after all they are a government for the people by the people. Yea right! Buy that one and I'll sell you a war!

Nice and Sunny

today so I ran five miles to the gym, swam a few laps until it got too crowded. Why they only built the facility with three swim lanes I'll never know! But the place is nicer than the "Y" so I guess I'll renew my annual membership...maybe I'll pay month by month. The "Y'" is much closer but twice the price! I ran the five miles back. When I got home I weight 122. My goal 119.

After eating a bite, I sang and played guitar. I'm still singing Christmas songs. My favorite: "Please Come Home for Christmas". It's the Christmas blues sound and so cool!

Then I journal ed on paper..now on line.. Soon I'll sketch, then work on my Memoir. Also in the works I have a mystery novel in progress called "When We Met". Don't you like the title?

Oops! Major construction on the main artery near by home will begin in the Spring near my exit in the westerly direction. I hope I can still get to the gym my usual way.. I prefer that particular route to the other more commercial and busier route.

Changing the subject! Why in the world do people leave their kids in a running vehicle? These American autos makers leave off a part that would not allow the vehicle to be shifted from park to drive or reverse without the foot on the brake! So all the kid as to do is reach over and move the lever. Are people merely in a hurry or just ignorant? At least shut the vehicle off and take the keys and lock the doors. There are people just sitting around waiting for an opportunity to high jack a vehicle. Be aware of your surroundings. Or even if you are, things happen so fast you'd be missing half of the information warnings anyway. So use common sense and SLOW DOWN! Hey, it's your kid that you are putting in danger and the safety of other people! Sometimes adults aren't any brighter than kids. Some times kids are smarter and have more common sense.

This afternoon on Oprah there were kids from Monroe High School (not sure what city) who answered the question: "If you really knew me you would know that...". There was also a counselor there who asked questions for girls: "Have you ever been pinched, wolf whistled at, called a bitch, hit etc.?" and then she asked the boys. "Have you ever hit anyone, called people names, used racial slurs, was prejudice against homosexuals etc.,?" She made the kids realize that they hurt other kids' feelings. And boys realized that they didn't have to be mean to be manly and that it was okay to show their emotions. In the end everyone was sorry, more loving, and crying as they hugged one another. They made each other realize that love begins one person at a time; that everyone has feelings. It was a seminar that every high school should conduct every year. It wouldn't hurt adults either... after all, where do you think these kids learn this stuff?

Yes, a mild winter is predicted for us in the Midwest. We are so lucky to be in the middle of the country and I'm so glad that North winds are staying North! I love running in this weather..it's perfect for shorts and short sleeves when the sun is shinning and the temperatures are in the high 30's or low 40's. It doesn't get any better for the beginning of January. Actually, the lawns and parks I pass look more like March rather than January. The grass is bright green and growing, flower plants are rising out of the ground and buds look like they are ready to burst on the branches of trees. England and other parts of Europe had plants budding well into fall..it never got to winter. We had one very cold spell in early December. I think that was winter for us.. hopefully! I'm loving this weather! It's beautiful and spring like.. it doesn't get any better than that! I just listened to Cindy P on TV and she said that we will have above temperature for the next ninety days taking us well into March and the amount of rain will be below average. Well, the yards and park grounds already look like spring is here. The grass is growing and trees buds are about to burst into bloom. The pansies in the neighborhood are in bloom and look colorful and healthy. I love this weather. I might even run again tomorrow or at least do a run walk to the store.

Maybe I'll try to stay out of the store. I'm broke and can't spend any more money not until the middle of the month and then it must be minimal.

It's going to be about sixty tomorrow and plant and flower bulbs are already coming up. I love it! Love that global warming!

I wish was talented in "anything" . Instead I'm "average" in all; or rather maybe below average. But, at least I'm out there "doing". I was just watching the news and saw where high school kids just got awards for playing instruments so well.

I wish I was extremely smart and intelligent and had a memory like a steel trap where I could read or hear something just one time and remember it...forever! Oh what a blessed thing that would be. I can do that but only once in a while.

I'm not depressed or lonely; actually, I'm quite content. I am merely doing my own thing and called M today hoping I will get to see her soon. I'll be walking in the afternoon with L; it should be a beautiful afternoon. Of course, I could get out there early and ride my bicycle then change and walk with her? I might have to do that.. stretch my legs a bit. Good idea! The restaurant should be open.

Yes, life is good when you just let everything up to the universe. Besides I may be better off just as the way things are because I get to delve into my created side. I am determined to write my memoirs within a few months so I can be published by my 60th birthday. Actually, I am sort of excited because I look so cute for my age.. I do! Hey, I work for it! I run, walk, bicycle, swim, do yoga, dance and work out. Life is good!

Yes, life is ncie and sunny!

Happy New Year's Day

I am having a very quiet day because I feel like hell! I don't think it was the four or five margaritas I had. I think it was the fact that I ate many chocolate espresso beans earlier in the afternoon. Anyway, I prefer to blame it on the beans. I wasn't sleeping when I got home and up until two and then woke up again at 5:50 AM. But, later went back to sleep.

I had a great New Year's Eve. I spoke to my close friends who couldn't make it to the bar. The ones I went to the ball with and I had a good time. In years past they never went to the bar. I wonder did I have any influence in their decision. I know L keeps them posted on my escapades there.

Most of my friends nearer to my age are more butch in dress. M said she went to a male drag show one evening and the woman dressed in male drag was dressed like her. I thought it amusing; but she didn't.

I dress more feminine like my younger lesbian friends. The younger woman who are more feminine and feel they can be themselves and not in drag do dress more feminine and I love it. Because I love feminine lesbians. So much, I wish I could date one. Oh where are you.

Which reminds me. I smiled at a lesbian feminine the other day and I got notice that she got my email but so far I haven't heard from her. She's 57; I'm 59! So what's the deal ? Why can't she just email me back no I'm not interested? Why is it so tough with these women? What does she have to do get all her lesbian friends together and have a meeting and discuss the issue. My picture is out there...just respond for Christ sake!

Why is meeting someone so hard. Why is asking someone to dance so difficult? And I'm attractive? I guess I have to change my technique and just charge at them and get them to make up their minds. Jesus! You'd think I was asking for a loan! It's a dance! And I'm attractive for Pete's sake.

Okay, so I am a little testy about all of this. It's like pulling teeth!

So, I'm taking it easy today.. Friday is another evening I guess I'll be up there flirting. I just threw a box of Panda black licorice out of my reach before I eat the whole damn thing and can't get into my jeans.

I am begging the universe to send me a love. My friend S last night told me to go after the girl that I asked to dance. I did like her although she said you ask her again later. So we didn't dance. See looked me over but then I moved on later when I saw her. Hey, two can play these stupid silly games. I guess her and her friends had to stand and discuss me for a while. Hey, take a look at this body, and my hair and this cute face. She wasn't any better looking than me! I'm tired of making excuses for them!

I'm one confused mess about my afternoon meeting situation. I care about her but I feel we are not really compatible. I don't want to hurt her. I just wish I could meet someone who would be everything for me. Not a love situation here and no sex and then a sex situation with no love. Why does life have to be so confusing. Am I missing something here?

Well, other than that my life is fine! Thank you universe for my good health, my youthfulness, my attractiveness, my wit, charm and wisdom. Please protect me and all my loves.

I miss my dog but I am sure enjoying a hairless environment. And it's weird not have to go out every four hours to walk the dog in the cold, the rain, the wind etc., And I can sleep a little later before having to get up to get going to an appointment or a run. I do miss her! She was good company and I never really felt lonely when she was around.

But, since my dog has died and I do have extra hours in the day, I plan to write my memoirs. It is much easier to work without own warranted interruptions. Also, I want to concentrate more on my sketching abilities.

Life is good! I wish I could read other peoples minds like this one guy on "Heroes", just how convenient would that be?

I was getting a kick out of my neighbor, L, today. Man, was she happy and in a good mood. I think she really enjoyed the bar and the New Year's Eve party she went too last night! It's good to see her happy. I'm glad we are still friends and that we suppose one an other's freedom for new romance. Why not - we only go around once (well, not really, but in this lifetime - yes!)