Astronaut

I wonder? Did the astronaut not think she would make the global news attempting to pull a stunt like that?

Okay she wore depends to drive 900 miles to "get" the other woman of her love interest..but didn't she have to stop for gas? And shouldn't you get out of the car once in a while to stretch your legs and get the blood flowing. She of all people being an astronaut you think would be aware of that? Maybe she was love crazed?

I guess love does crazy things to people. I guess "his" ego is super inflated...or maybe he's embarrassed. Anyway, it looks like poor publicity on this one.

Interesting story...

She bit me....

and it still hurts... I got a mirror. Couldn't see anything. Guess I'm okay. I'll see her Monday instead of Thursday next week.

Physically I'm okay! Emotionally? I'm a crazy and confused as ever. I'm feeling bad for my ex. She is at a turning point in her life. She is about to enter a relationship..seriously with the one who lives out of town and she had been visiting and talking on the phone couple of times a day for more than a year now. Well, in May she is moving here. She started already, box per box, by mail. I hope my ex is making a good decision? Because the woman is quiting her job to move here and in with her and depend monetarily on my her until she finds a job? I guess? Just when my ex is three years away from retirement. I guess she'll be fine. If it's rebound action it is lasting a long time. I don't think it is. I hope for the best because I want her to be happy.

It's a hard time for me too. I feel I'm losing her.. but I'll never lose her. Sometimes I get scared, just about life, and she is very important to me. I miss her when I don't talk to her for a few days. Just as long as she is in my life. Actually, her new girlfriend appears to be good for her. They get along well. But, my ex I think is the only one who understands me. I guess after you live with someone for fifteen years it gets like that. Anyway she's my family.

M says I should voice my concerns that after all she is my best friend. But, I thought that it was none of my business since I initiated the split in the fall of 2004. That was a hard time in my life; a time when the universe sent me an angel..the good doctor. I'll never forget the moment she walked through the door. She was a last minute subsitute doctor. The universe did good! Instantly she struck my heart. There was just something about everything about her. A little shy. Wonderfully warm and confident. Adorable! My ex's original doctor got too big with pregnancy to perform her surgery, she here she was....little did I know.. my guardian angel.

I miss the good doctor! I miss her! I wish she could just hold me and make it all go away and make it all better. I saw her face when I was making love. Is it my way of escaping reality of what is right in front of me? I think I can't see love that is directly in front of me maybe because I never had it. It was always out of reach. If my heart isn't aching.. I'm not loving? I have no idea. I put too much thought into it.

It's because I never knew touch and love when I was little. I guess that's it? It is something that is very hard to correct emotionally and mentally in my own head. It's hard to erase bad loveless empty memories. Worse yet, it's hard to "love" around them. I don't know love. I don't know how to love or what to expect from love. Or how to be myself in love or in a relationship. I need help! I ask the universe!

I wish she could just come to me and make it all better!

I don't know where I am with this? With M! At times I think she is not my type with many things unlike myself.

I'm very grateful for all of my blessings. Sometimes though , problem is, it just makes things worse. I set my expectations high for myself and expect them of others...only I'm the youngest 59 year old that I know. I only think positively for whatever that buys me. Still I have always been very fortunate. I don't want to hurt anyone! Or be hurt for that matter!

Well, here is hoping that I am doing the right things. Here is hoping that my ex is okay. I think she is happy. I hope so. Just so she stays around the corner and within reach.

Here is wishing all the best to M and our wonderful afternoons together...so healing.

Here's to the good doctor who has my love. It's odd how my heart aches for her. It's like she has the other half of the magnet. The opposite pole. Our hearts were in pain "that" day.

I am seeing one and in love with another - married women both.

I really didn't choose either. It just happened. Both! I see the former and not the latter. I only dream of the latter and miss her terribly.

Oh well! Time to color my hair and play my guitar then sketch a nude.



And I need to start on my book!

If you truly want it.. it's meant to be!

Horoscope for today: "February 7, 2007Not Always Easy Meant To Be
Some of our goals and dreams come to fruition so easily that it is as if an unseen hand has done much of the work for us. When this happens, we say it must have been meant to be. On the other hand, when dreams and goals require a tremendous amount of effort, we may interpret this to mean that our dream is not meant to be. However, difficulty is not necessarily a sign that our hopes and plans are ill-fated. On the contrary, difficulties and challenges along the path can be important parts of the project's overall meaning. When everything goes smoothly, we feel blessed by the universe, as if a fleet of angels is guiding and supporting our every move. When things are rough or ambiguous, we sometimes feel that we have been abandoned. And yet, the truth is that we are blessed in both cases. Our angels and guides are always present. They may choose at times to back off and let us figure something out for ourselves, and this is when things seem difficult. But when things are difficult, we learn and grow in specific ways. "

I have been trying to figure this out all of my adult life! And even as a kid I guess. Something was never right.

Some things do come easier than others and last about as long as I want them too. I just didn't mean to hurt anyone along the way.

I guess a relationship is just not right for me at this time. Another affair? I would love it! I want to be in love.

I am trying to learn along the way. I know she is on her way. I can feel it! If she is right for me, and I for her, it will be perfect. I ask the universe to send what is right for me.

And I got her for now.. but, do I want more?

Oh, I forgot about something! Timing! What I want takes another person and another plan and the timing has to come together. In the mean time she is on my mind constantly. 24/7 I believe is the way I put it a couple years ago!

Anyway, maybe this is the best way for me at this time. I'm not to question? Or am I? I was searching for something when I left the long term relationship.

I probably did her a favor. She is extremely busy and happy. Her girlfriend will be moving in with her soon. She is moving by mail it appears. Sending boxes one by one. It's funny! Well, my ex was out of town and I was bringing in her mail and just happened to notice. She said there would be boxes coming!

Anyway, I am pondering my future and trying to get it clear within my mind. I know who I want.. I just think it is impossible. So, I pray for someone just like her. She was god to me.. so universe! Do you think you can come up with another wonderful woman just like her? The timing was wrong on that one..way wrong. Life is so unreal, isn't it?

Couldn't I have fallen in love with someone who was gay and available? Just what is it with me? I know it was her tenderness... but couldn't you have sent an available person? I loved (love) everything about her. Her eyes, so deep, so dark; and her tenderness, caring, softness, gentle touch, the way she leaned against the wall, with hands behind her and one foot resting on the other. The way her arms felt around me. Her hands on my face, her kiss on my cheek! Heavenly! Is this supposed to last me a life time? I guess?

I need more. I want her with me. Oh well! I'm been kicked in the gut before.. it's why I am as strong as I am. Is this my artistic side of my life. Am I going to be good? Make money? Be happy. Well she love me?

And yes, I want the package of her to be lovely, blond and feminine. Soft and tender. Sexual! I have years to make up! I want to love her and be here for her.

Okay, I'm making a plan.. and sticking to it. I feel her in my heart; I want her in my arms. She is on her way. If I can't have the real thing I want someone gay just like her... just like her... just like her. I miss her.

I'm so messed up.

Julie Nieman is happy

with the way the stock market is going with 10% growth and with internal correction. The stready growth is of 2% intervals...which is good. Unlike 1999 when internet speculation was over blown and falsely drew the market up people do not have to worry now. Steady growth without excess is key. Real estate and oil has corrected itself. There will be a huge flow of money into the market in months to come she predicts. This is good news!

I think..

When I blog, I need to be a little more sensitive and not say that people look like idiots when they smoke. I need to be more understanding. I'm not perfect by any means so I have no right to get on my bandwagon like I am holier than thou. I know habits are hard to break and addictions even worse.

I know too that it's been claimed that cigarette manufacturers have added addicting ingredients that make cigarettes even more easier to get hooked on. Something to tell kids when they are very small that is another reason for them not to start smoking. Actually, it is quit ingenious marketing! Yeah, get people hooked and then you can raise the prices..but people are hooked..so they will continue to buy cigarettes no matter what. Brilliant! I hope that guy got a raise!

Question: Does your TV scream commercials at you? Do I have an option on my TV that could control that? I mean besides holding down the volume button on my remote during commercials. And who is around the remote all the time? I live in a building with other condos I can't have a screaming TV! The screaming commercials are so annoying and very bad during the day.. and I notice they lighten throughout the evening. And commercials yell , demand, and talk fast, at you anyway..especially car or racing commercials. I made it a point not to buy any product that is forced down my throat! I won't buy it! And I notice as I watch it's the commercial itself not just the cable people...or maybe it is the cable people. I bet products have to pay more to have their commercials screamed at you..it's just another money maker for the cable people. I wonder if satellite is the same? Does plain, vanilla, regular TV scream commercials at you too? I bet it's a cable thing. Maybe I'll get the full package with the telephone company. I'll get around this somehow. But, I can tell you now! I will not buy any of those products.

God, I love women.. I'm watching some dancers on Ellen! Oh my god! I love women! Shake those shoulders, girl! I'm into sketching..partial nudes. Excuse me while I turn down my TV, a commercial is screaming at me and I can't think. So, I'm turning it off! Hey, cable! See where that screaming technique got you!

Back to the nudes..I'm getting more info and larger sketch paper so I can attend the Artist Guild in my area and sketch nude models. I wonder if I can sit still for this. If I'm to distracted, I'll just have to leave. Anyway!

I'm seeing my lover tomorrow. It's a planned event. One that occurs every week for about five months now. If it ends, I'll be a mess.

Even in my straight days after I broke up with someone it was terrible. It's like your body gets slightly addicted. Slightly?

I'm wondering why I still think about a woman I had a huge crush on two years ago. A doctor. God I loved her. I think I still love her. She was easy to talk to and be near but, I almost tremble at the not that possible event of ever running into her. But, I long to see her. I know I would be very comfortable around her. If not her, can't I have someone like her? Someone with a heart, soul and warmth about her. I want to be madly in love! Oh well! Maybe it's not the best thing for me? Here I go sounding doubtful. If I want something from the universe I better know what I want for sure..otherwise my spirit guides do not know how to react.

See, I am making a big mistake as I think and write this I'm praying in a way. But, I cannot be doubtful about what I want. I cannot be fishy about it. The universe needs to know for sure what I want! If I decide I want the doctor I better be sure and be ready to face her with an affair plan.

Like the time I made up my mind after thinking about it for a year to approach the woman I then ended up spenting fifteen years with. I made up my mind and struck with it. Well, at the time I felt the commitment was important. I felt the world should know and realize that two people of the same sex can and do have committed lasting relationships. I buried myself in the process. I had fun..it was good for all of it..but, it was just time for me to move on. I kept feeling something was missing. I was sad. I needed a new beginning I guess. She and I are still friends and live near to each other. My biggest change was ditching the whole family and not missing them at all. Yes, it has been about two years now and I am as happy and as free as can be.

Why does the universe work this way with us? I know I met and fell in love with the doctor for a reason. I know I met her and fell in love with her so I would get out of the situation I was in and move away from my "family". And the time I was meant to be with my partner of fifteen years had come to an end. It was a time for new beginnings for me.

But, I still think about the good doctor! I see her face. I feel her heart and her arms around me. I miss her. Is it just me? Am I not happy unless I have a sense of longing in my heart? Will I ever be content? Will I ever allow myself to love and be loved? Do I just want afairs? Was a fifteen year relationship too much for me. Did I lose too much of myself. Maybe a weekly lover is the perfect thing for me. I wonder, could I add the doctor to my list? What if I pray for her? They say our wishes and desires come true.

I have gotten what I have wished for in the past. No, I never got straight Nancy. Thank God! That would have been a big mistake. She was very manipulating and bossy like my mother. I think that is why I'm screwed up. As a kid, and young person, I obeyed in exchange for a tiny bit of love that usually I didn't get anyway.

So, anyway, the longing in my heart remains.. for whatever reason I don't really know. I ache! I would love to make love to her unconditionally. Just make love to her.. the good doctor. You know last summer I prayed for my afternoon lover...she still in my life. Later I found out she was praying for someone like me too! The relationship won't go any further.. she is married. She won't ever leave him. Once more he knows about me. Is this a little weird? She has left him twice in the past to live with someone.

Only time will tell. Age has nothing to do with anything I am finding out. In fact. I love my age. I am ageless! I really am! I am the same and feel better than I did at age 35 or younger. In fact physically I'm better. No flab now on my inner thighs so no rubbing. I love it! What cracks me up is that I have no compliants and I heard women half my age complaining about this or that. Are they expecting problems? Yes! Me? A negative phsycial thought never enters my mind. Why? We are what we think! Hey, I'm a pain free, healthy, flexible, hot, thirty-five year old who is getting younger and cuter all the time. I have a youthful firm tight clear skin and firm slender tight body. I'm hot and getting hotter! Oh and I'm rich! I could be even more rich if I could you this bridge I own :)

Now see this lawyer is speaking to me on TV and she is not screaming at me. I bet these people are paying extra to cable just so they can annoy me and piss me off! I'm not buying the product!

Just how stupid do people think we are? Bush, the media, tobacco companies, auto makers, oil people - just how stupid and uneducated do they think we are?

Oh, now I see a commerical about "I turned 50 and so did my eyes!" Once again.. not necessarily so. Through commericals products are planting thoughts within our heads, or trying to. Actually, my eyes are better than they have ever been. Eat a lot of greens! Think positive thoughts. I know I'm blowing smoke again. Want to buy that bridge?

Smokers..

Barack Hussein Obama smokes and for a long time now. He promises his wife he will quit. He needs to quit. He's got two years to quit. He said he is quiting! It's hard for me to imagine anyone smoking these days! It makes you look like an idiot! It's not cool! It makes you sick and most of the people who smoke can't afford them or the health insurance they will need when they get heart and lung disease from smoking. Personally, I think cigarettes should be banded. No wonder the government has the ATF (alcohol, tobacco, and firearms)..they know all three are dangerous yet voters want their bad habilts. Me? I enjoy margaritas once in a while.

Ellen just quit recently she announced. I didn't know that she even smoked. By the way, Ellen has "hot shots" in "W" the magazine..just in case you are interested in seeing them. You know she is hosting the Oscars..Too bad she doesn't dress more feminine..just a little more. Is it that age group? Why do lesbians think they have to be dykes? Well, just at least wear women's clothes.

Maybe cigarettes are even more adictive then ever before? I quit over twenty years ago! I'm a runner now. I quit and began getting into me with bicycling, tennis, and running.

Sorry, but I just can't help it! Catanini, some guy on CNN report who works for the Federal government said that vaccinating the girls will NOT make them more promiscuous. That's silly he says. "Getting a Tetus shot doesn't make you step on a rusting nail!"

Now is this just a little too funny? There is pain involved with stepping on a nail... hello! Sex is pleasurable! Maybe this guy has painful sex?

Just how ridiculous are these people?

The shots will be free... well not to the tax payer. They don't tell you that your tax dollars are going straight to MERCK.