Connecting the Dots!

Well, I call the process of thinking back and seeing what things and/or events connected one person or one situation to another. When I do that, I get a fairly clear message of my purpose. Trust me, the purpose is only known to me and only lies within me although I think I'm "here" for another; but, I'm probably not.

The "free well" factor interfers, however, in the process. And not my free well, her's. Maybe she is not my "reason" although I feel so sure that it is; I can't be myself around her. I walk on egg shells; so, why would I want that?

And why do I feel such love for her? It is because I can relate to her pain? Is it because I recognize the pain in her eyes? Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel this way; but, sometimes more than not I embrace it. I want to hold her close; so close that the pain in my heart heals her empty heart.

But, I don't think her heart is so empty. I think she loves me. I think we love each other.

I remember wanting life to be normal too, going through the motions. Ideally everything was wonderful. I loved entertaining, cleaning, cooking and in my head it was fun and warm and good. But, when the love wasn't there it was empty. Sometimes the love was so strong for another, I stumbled over every word, I was brain dead, an idiot. But, what a glorious feeling to be able to love like that!

I miss holding her and loving her. I just wanted.....oh well, it's done now.

Nice Day!

I was just thinking about how bold (well bold for me) I'm getting. Well, this is about my third time in a spirituality type class where there are about up to fifteen people and in the past I never really felt comfortable speaking to a group 0f people; but recently I have been. It even easier when I have just met the group and don't really know any of thing personally. I was a little surprised at myself.

I am becoming a little more bold with people on an individual level too. Recently I ran into a person whom I met once who just sort of attached herself to me. Sometimes an act of kindness is taken the wrong way; and misinterpretated as flirting or they think you like them. This particular person always had her hands on me - a real turn-off. She is butch. I can't do that! It's a real turn off for me in such a way that I have to move away. I have to flee!

I'm been like that more so in the past few years. Sorry, to say, I got that way with my mother. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. Do events and ominus effects of certain people accumulate over time?

Anyway, the butch ended up leaving and I fleed from the state where my mother resides. Surprisingly enough, I no longer feel guilt.

How odd, the thought and vision of Teresa just came to mind while I was talking about my despiteous mother. Teresa is an angel; well, to me anyway! She saved my life; she brought me back to life, anyway. I miss her holding me. I felt safe when he held me. She gave me hope, love and brought me out of my despair. I have been looking for a word to describe the feeling at the time; and that's it: safe! She made me feel whole for a moment and safe.

I can't believe how good I feel! A burden has been lifted. I am FREE to be ME! Wonderful me! Fabulous me! Who cares if no one else thinks so? My opinion of myself is the most important!

It only took a lot of therapy to get to this point; but, I here and I'm staying. Now, away from past loves and my mother. I'm FREE to be who I am for a change. When I was a kid my mother told me what to say, when to say, what to do ...well you get the idea. I felt her love was conditional, so I tried my very best to please her. Please her and she'll love me, right? It never happened! I gave and gave and gave and gave and nothing was given to me.

I did the same with the church, men, women friends, society and the rest of the family. So, I had learned too to fall for unobtainable people; like my mother. My mother pushed me away when I was a toddler. I raised my arms indicating I wanted her to pick me up and hold me. I stood at her knee, lap level, it looked like there was room there for me. My dad sat in another chair near by. I was always afraid of him. She said. "You're too big to hold." I looked at her and then at my dad, nothing! God, I was broken hearted! I guess I just walked away with this hole in my heart; this little ache that never went away. There were no hugs from them ever when I was a kid or a young adult.

I think I carried that pain around in my heart for years. Prehaps, I choose distant, unobtainable people to fall in love with out of familiarity; and I guess I thought it was better to be held at bay when to fall and be rejected. I don't know? I think that is why I have an intuitive nature and can see pain in someone's eyes. I love deeply and with a lot of leeway for those kinds of eyes.

But, therapist do say we tend for fall for people like our mothers. I have always had crushes on girls then women from the time I was very small. I dated boys in high school and men as an adult; that magical moment that would set me straight when I finally had sex with a man, never took place. Well, the sex did, but not the change; I was never set "straight".

I missed my 30's, still trying to please society, family, and men. Still trying to be the good kid. The little ache remained in my heart.

When I reached 40, I couldn't take it anymore. Besides all my straight friends were married and went on with their lives. I met someone at work; we became good friends. It was the first same-sex relationship of commitment for both of us. How did I live all those years without passion. I loved her don't get me wrong and she is a wonderful person, we remain friends to this day. We were just too broken people who had come together and we just didn't quit fit.

Through the relationship, my mother and family continued to be a thorn in my side. I was terribly troubled. I decided on therapy. It took three therapist to break though the brainwashing of the church, family and society. Finally, I got the message; I did not owe anybody, neither my father, mother, brother or half-sister nothing. I didn't have to associate with them. Finally, I got the message!

Push came to shove when I fell in ove with Teresa. I was at the end; just barely hanging on. I wanted to die! She gave me life; a reason to care about myself once again. A reason to stop trying to please in order to receive a crumb of emotion. I was 56 then, and I wanted to live life; so, I got in shape, dressed better and began feeling good about myself. Sexual!

I decided to ditch everybody! My partner of fifteen years and the whole family! I moved and didn't tell my family or offer an address. Of course, they found out! I'm still friends with my ex, but it's nothing like it was; there are unspoken boundaries now accompanied by feelings of mutual respect.

I never got with Teresa anymore in anyway. But, she's right here in my heart. I saw her one sunny fall day just like that first day. I smiled big and she looked at me and she knew who I was. We didn't need words actually, she saw I was okay; that I was still okay! I had been the one that the doctor thought she couldn't fix; couldn't heal. But, she did heal me; she healed my heart. I smiled at her and she smiled knowingly. It brings tears to my eyes, just thinking about her.

I had wanted to see her that day; I need to. Timing is everything isn't it? My spirit guides and the powers of the universe had a hand in it. It was magical!

A love not long ago for me was magical too and healing. People just don't know the blessed effect they have on you. But they do have an effect. This one, she healed my heart. She gave me back something I never got in the first place, when I should have gotten it. She gave me passion, love and desire. A second chance! She was and still is a precious gift. She'll never realize that; or come to know it, but she should. Funny, how the universe puts two people together to help heal each other then a little piece, a little part, is left behind of the other in each. It's a wonderful thing! I will always love her for what and who she is and for "us" when we had that. She is truly a gift! She would never believe that! I will love her unconditionally forever.

It's funny that in retrospect, I can connect the dots from childhood to now that brought me to who and where I am. I'm still traveling down that road of life and enjoying the journey by adding many loves to my heart. Oh, I still feel the ache! I need her and miss her! It wil happen again. I have too much love in my heart for it not too. But, it's at times like this when I would love to just hold her close to my heart for a long time the way I use to; it felt so good! You now like that "hold" I never got as a little toddler; I don't think she did either.

She's gone and the ache is here; but, it will be fixed again. I only had those feelings for two wonderful people; her and Teresa. Those feelings were so pure, special, deep and a little bit like heaven. Teresa will come back and be there when I die; she'll hold me for as long as I need and take me through to the other side.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I just think when I do many years from now; it would be nice if it felt like that; and since I'm in charge, it's already written.

I'm even better now!

I shed a few tears this morning. You would have thought I was dying. I journaled, I BLOGed. I cursted! But, just a few minutes ago, I settled down and decided I think they are pretty cute together.

They are about the same height and size. Even they're little butt's are about the same. Of course I am extremely partial to the one. I have come to the conclusion that if I love her then I should want her to be happy. Sometimes loving means lettin go.

If she is happy, then I am happy. Her girlfriend certainly is friendly and good-natured and easy to talk to.

I love you! I know, I'm not supposed to, but I do.

Thank god, I have my friends. I hope Lou doesn't move to Florida. Oh well, if she does, I'll visit.

I wish the love gods would smile down on me and put a bug in the blue eyed blondes ear. A cross state road trip would be a welcomed trek.

I love you guys!

I'm Better Now, Thank You

Okay, I'm a little better now that I put myself out there on cyber lesbian meeting sites. You know, it's not like picking out a dog. This is hard. I can't just trade her and my feelings for her in. This is a human being that I happen to love in spite of her difficult ways. Damn!

I know connecting and any kind of relationships are hard for her. I know day to day life is hard for her..why in the hell do you think that I love her so much and just can't walk away that easy.

I know I had to rant and rave; I had to shed a few tears too. It hurts to "try" to let it go. I know we have a connection; I can feel it. I know she cares for me. Why we can't even look each other in the eyes or talk to each other about anything is beyond me. I guess, it's just difficult for both of us.

I just don't get it! I can talk easy to everyone else; even the new girl! Boy, is she easy going..well, she just might be perfect for her.

I don't think she wanted me to leave when I left. Or does she just hate me that much...I'll keep thinking..try to or not..she is on my mind anyway.

And in my heart! She'll always be in my heart. I love the little difficult thing all to pieces. She's stubborn, brilliant, beautiful, cute as can be. God, I can just see her as a little girl; I love that little girl in her. I wish I could have picked her up and held her then. I bet she was as cute as can be. You just don't know what she does to my heart! God, I miss holding her! She would say that I have this image of her in my head; a sweet but fault image. No, I believe I can understand a little bit what's going on. You know, I love the good and not so good about her. When I met her and even before she told me certain things; I already had a pretty good idea what was going on because it's all there in her eyes.

She may deny, but, I know she has tender feelings and a warm heart. She's not cold. She hurts. I want to hold her close to me. She says she's not what I have in my head of what she is like...oh yes, she is!

I've got to go, I have to pick up my ex from the airport...

I love you and don't you forget it!

I don't care if you hate me...I love you.

Then stop looking at me like that....

I miss Teresa

I have a nice cozy warm day ahead of me. I'll light a fire in the fireplace, burn incense, drink hot coffee and tea. I have no appetite; I guess that is good, maybe I'll lose a few pounds. I have barely a conscious desire to exercise; of course, I have that feeling everyday. I think all that I can muster today will be a few sit- ups and push-ups. I'll pass on running; I ran yesterday.

I'm running for my life you know! I don't think that I can be helped! My therapists have not helped me. Hell, I could buy a bum a pack a cigarettes or a few beers from a bartender and cry my sorrows to them for what I get from therapists! I can't be helped! Besides, I'm tired of trying!

So, I believe that only the grace of god, the universe and my spirit guides can help this aching heart. They say the power is within us; in our hearts! I say bullshit! "You can create your day!" And I say to that " bullshit".

You know I'm reaching the end of my wits. I don't care anymore! Don't tae kwon do kick me in the gut and then step back and look at me in wonder as to why I'm not bend over pucking my guts out!

And barely saying "good-bye" to me; what was that all about? Can you not stand the sight of me? Were you glad to see me go? Were you sad? Discussed? I don't understand the language and gestures and how they change from one to the next so fast. I know you love me; you just don't know what to do about it! Maybe that is why I love you so damn much and you tear at my heart! And you drive me crazy with wanting you; wanting to hold you, but afraid I'll push you so far away that I'll never ever see you again.

You don't understand; it's all right, I've been kicked in the gut many times. I've had years of conditioning! I have many permanent bruises from kicks to the guts...you are not the only one! I just never spoke of mine! I had no neighbors to run to or social services. There was no such thing as social services living in the sticks in an undisputed authoritarian society filled with like minded cruelty.

I need Teresa's intuitive warmth. She came to me; she sensed I needed to be held. She knew! I wish Teresa could put her arms around me now and hold me! She loved me! I need her to take me in her arms and hold me for as long as I need like she did! I thought I died! When I die, I want it to be like that; I want to be wrapped in the safe warm loving comfort of her embrace forever!

tae kwon do kicks..

Just how many tae kwon do kicks to the gut is it going to take for ME to get the message? Why does my heart keep coming back for more? Why? Am I fucking nuts?

Why do I choose to hopelessly fall in love with people who CAN NOT love me back?

A long run in the cold morning air isn't even going to be a bandaid on this last blow. I'm bleeding out! Soon I'll be empty - lifeless.

I should receive an Oscar for my "cover-up" performance last night. I was damn fucking good! God what a life! What a fucking life!

I'm about "this close"! (hold up thumb and forefinger about a half-inch apart) Yes, once again I'm about "this close"! I think I have just about had enough heart funcking ache for one lifetime! GET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE, GET ME OUT OF HERE!


Why do I always crave what I can't have? Life sucks!

Damn, I need a different assignment; get me off this planet!

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I Think You Love Me!

If you didn't care why do I bother you so? I saw you looking at me!

It doesn't matter what is going on with you; I told you that I would always love you unconditionally and I do and always will! Please know that I will always be here for you! The things you shared with me I hold in my heart; they/you matter to me! What happens to you and what goes on in your life matters to me! I don't care if you hate me; YOU are in my heart! NOTHING HAS CHANGED!

I wish I had Teresa to wrap her arms around me and hold me for as long as I needed to be held! She would do that you know, if she could. She loved me and made me feel loved. But, I messed that up and I lost her too! I'm not feeling too good right now and the sun is not shining!