What a Life

I rode bicycle this morning again with my 32 year old friend. God love her! I had to hug her..she's not at all happy with her job.

Well, she was headed to work, that is after she works on her project for her master's class. She was sad because she had to go; and when thinking of dealing with difficult people at work, became even more sad.

Her sister's career is on board; but, my friend is still struggling with her life career, so she was having a tough time today. I felt for her. I've been there.. Some people just fall into it and some people have the hardest time getting a start on it all. I wish her the best and if wishing can make it happen, then it will soon.

I was thirty myself and those 26 years went very fast..well in retrospect. (So save, save, save! Only Bush as let big corporations mess up the economy, that the middle class has already shrunk) I told her she was merely in transition and that her time will happen soon..get that resume out there. I wouldn't even wait until I finished my master's degree - just get it out there. Her sister has been offering her suggestions and checking things out for her. Her "younger" sister, who happens to be doing quit well for young self....and you know that adds to the pain.

My friend is wonderfully mature for her age. We are "friends". Sometimes that is painful for me...being the "intimate" person that I am. But, it's good one of us has sense. Actually, she and I are way past that questionable point and we'll never go there again because we already had the talk.

When we first met she kept saying I was "hot" and "quit the catch" . We hit it right off. She had dated much older women in the past. So, naturally, I wondered...but there really were no signs of sexual interest.. When brought it up there was a definite "No, what we have is priceless and I don't want to mess it up". She said.

Wow! very good way to put it! I was impressed. See she is quit cool! So, we are good friends. She said. "Besides I'm on med's and I don't even have the desire". Damn I' thinking what a waste... I didn't really mean for me; but, why miss out on that wonderful part of life which I am beginning to appreciate more and more ....

But you know, I think things mean much more to me at this point in my life. I cherish life. I have finally learned to cherish precious moments and enjoy the gifts of life and all the gifts in life we experience. I appreciate someone loving me; when I was much younger, I didn't "get" love. I didn't understand it and pushed it away. I ran from it. Funny, I wanted and needed love so bad, yet I ran from it...well, love form boys. If a woman was even the lease bit nice to me, or paid attention to me, I fell immediately. I was very shy. I must have looked like an idiot. I longed for sweet affection never received.

Frankly, I can't wait to die and come back and do it again. Only, I wish we could remember more..from past lives experiences. Oh I think we do to a degree but not enough. It sure would save of lot of time wasted on sorting things out, wouldn't it? Damn! I'm first beginning to live my life FOR ME; first now. I'm living for me and not society, my parents, the ignorant church and government. But, it's very hard to be gay. I envy "straight" people. It just seems so much easier...but, I'm a lesbian...it is where my heart and desires are..sex with men was NOTHING compared to my summer love of last year. She brought me to life, and what a precious gift! I miss her!

But here I am. ......for one thing there is practically no one out there for me. I'm 58, fit and feminine...that right there shoots my changes tremendously. There are no women for me out there....that are gay. Well, my ex last summer (34) and my friend say the same thing for their age category. Besides, if you are fem, how do you find each other. I mean if you blend in with the rest of the population and are not the obvious butch. Sorry, I just can't do butch..

I had and still have wonderful people in my life, but I am craving the sweet affection and intimacy of a woman. I so miss the loving touch of a woman..I had her last summer, but she is gone, out of my life now. I miss her so very much..I'm ancient history..trust me I know this even though our parting was not angry..only sorrowful and sad. I guess our time together was just meant to end..

I am a loving sensual sexual human being and there just isn't any denying it...and I've always been this way (well, except for a few years, when I turned that part of me off).

I hope nobody reads this that I know. I just like the feeling that someone somewhere might read it. Well, it's like talking to someone...always the possibly of being heard is out there; not like journaling off line and waiting for someone to find your back-up CD's or book journal to finally know what you were all about...

Namaste! I had a great work out rides this week and wonderful empowering yoga..I'm flying high!

Endorphin HIgh

Endorphin: a group of peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors and are found mainly in the brain. Endorphins reduce the sensation of pain and affect emotions.

I just rode my bike hard until my thighs ached. I would yet up and do it again...the results an endorphin high. Or is it because I was with my friend and we have fun together. She works all hours tours and so it works out well that we can ride together. Hopefully, she'll get back to running. She has knee problems. She's 32.

She makes me realize that I am damn lucky! I mean damn lucky! And I truly appreciate all of my abilities. If sex is a trade off (if there has to be one?) then I guess okay. It seems that is the way it is working out anyway.

Now you know why I ride and run hard......endorphins. Sexual frustration? It's the touching, closeness; the intimacy that I miss.

If I think about it, so I try not to, or sometimes it just creeps in on its own...I have this nagging little ache; like a longing, in my heart all the time. It's like a little empty space. It hits me at night. It was there this morning, when I got with my friend. We get along well....but it's something that will never happen. After a while I just think about something else. I like the age difference and I don't know why. But, I can act silly around her..has nothing to do with age I'm sure just our combination of personalities. She makes me appreciate what I have in my athletic capabilites. She's refreshing and I get a kick out of her. She is mature beyond her years; she might even be more mature than I am. She is articulate (I envy and promise to improve but it never happens that I can tell. I'm just more cautious). My friend has traveled the world while working for a travel agency as a tour director at the young age of 26.

My last summer's love is mature too beyond her years. She packed a lot of living into her young 34 years too. She had an troubled childhood. She would tell me things and my heart ached for her and loved her. I loved holding her head on my lap, kissing her forehead, and stroking her hair. I loved loving and I loved feeling needed.

It's raining. We just managed to get our ride in.. we'll ride again tomorrow. We rode about 28 fast hard miles. I'll never be a speed demon but maybe maintain 15 MPH . I love thunderstorms my dog, hates them.

I promised to drink and eat healthier and suddenly this cheap store brand cola is sickening. I know it's all wrong for me. Maybe I'll make some decafe.

Speaking of decafe I slept well last night after my yoga class yesterday afternoon which consisted of at least twenty downward facing dogs for sure. I love 'em. I love the way they make my stomach muscles feel. I have another yoga class this evening too.

Taking a break!

I'm taking a break from cleaning my carpet.......pet accident. Good thing I bought the Bissel cleaner of few years ago! Such a beautiful day too....good bicycle riding day. Hmm. Oh well, I have yoga class at 1:00 PM anyway..

Yes, taking a break from cleaning the carpet, drinking my soy protein drink and taking my handful of vitamins I take twice a day. As I read the Daily OM horoscope...the subject: Comparing our selves to others, thoughts of my childhood come creeping into the forefront.

Funny! One of my earliest memories was of my mother scoldingly saying (she was not a hugging warm woman!). "What will other people think?" I heard it often! She was very worried about appearances. It taught me to believe that everyone else on this planet was much more important then myself. I had no sense of self. So, most days I spent hours trying to guess what other people would think or would want..never about me or what I would want. I was hollow and lonely; because it's impossible to try to please everyone all the time, or know what they were thinking...my mother was the worse one to please. I have since, finally, separated from all of "them" (too bad I waited so long to do it!). I no longer care what "they" think. I know now that I am important and successful..I've proved it many times over...so there Arlene! Hope you are happy! I would wonder what you are thinking of me now..but I don't really care! I know you can't stand the fact that I am happy...in your mind I must be mentally ill to not speak to you - the queen!

She would set-me-up. For some reason she thought she had to be controlling and manipulative, tricking me into doing things for her...after a while I lost trust. I always felt she had an alterior motive for any kindness I would receive...the outcome some how would be to serve her, and only her. It's been a year now since I've seen or spoke to any of them. It's not hard, I was never close to my siblings either. I've never been happier or felt more free!

Namaste! Life is good... back to carpet cleaning now.

God bless Oprah!

Oprah just sent her whole staff to a ten day vacation on the island of Maui. The women is a saint. Wouldn't you love to work for Oprah. I'm sure they are all like family.

Saint Oprah is starting a school in Africa and recently her staff was there fixing up and redecorating little girls dorms. The rooms housed little girls who had been abused and were no longer wanted by anyone. One out of four little girls are abused in Africa.
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The little girls were laughing and giggling, they were so excited when they opened their doors to their rooms. Oprah was there to share in the excitement. She wore no make-up; that's what I love about Oprah..she is true to herself.

The girls were laughing and giggling then Oprah said. "You deserve it" and one little girl began to cry and hold their heads down, then another, and another, and then I began to cry. These poor little girls didn't think they deserved to be happy or get wonderful things. They hugged Oprah and Oprah held them all close. I guess no one ever cared or gave them such wonderful things; or told them they were wonderful precious beings that were loved. What a moment.. what a saint. To them she is god I'm sure! Yes, God is a woman and her name is Oprah.

I think Oprah should be declared a saint, today now...not wait until she is dead, with a holiday in her name and her picture on every twenty dollar bill that is printed. What a wonderful humanitarian who gives people magical moments

My friend - on being priceless...

Just a word about my friend...before I play my guitar or throw another log on the fire.

The wood is burning fast. This will be the last fire of the season. My feelings match the sky. Cloudy! I love the smell of wood burning, the crackling sound, the popping. I'm enjoying my day.. listening to alternative music of the world, a little jazz, a little thing, a little that. Writing! Thinking. Blogging. Pen-paling (she seems very nice, attractive, and grounded).

Okay, back to my friend K. She's very sweet, intelligent and very nice to me. I really like her. I respect her. She brings me things from work and copies of CD. Not that that is required from a friend. It's just the way she is. She's special. We cook for each other at times and watch DVD's and sit together...not close. Hugs, we do hugs ...coming or going hugs.

Yet it hurts a little..not that I would want it to be anything more. But, I would like to know someone like that, like her, intimately. We had the conversation. "No." She said. "What we have is priceless and I don't want anything to mess it up." Hmm. Well, she was right.

But, yet intimacy is a celebration of life, of hearts coming together. A certain sweetness...a wonder.. in just what makes you you and so unique in all the world and so very speical. skin feeling skin, the touch of a woman...the wonder..the beauty...Souls coming together in a sort of spiritual way. Isn't that why we come to earth in each lifetime... for the intimacy? Why do you think we long for it from the time we are born.. to feel honored, loved, connected. It's a gravatational pull like the moon's pull on the earth and the sea, on us...we effect each other... want to realize it or not.. we do...

My love last summer was very special and wonderful we both just jumped right into it head first (I love that:)). We did things in a group, then one day, as natural as could be I found I blew her a kiss. She smiled back, from her kayak, real big smile. I backed my kayak up a little bit. I was a little surprised at what I did. I did love her though. The kiss came natural, because I did love the wonder of her, she was precious. Just adorable. There was just something wonderful about her. Anyway, she emailed me after that asking? I had to admit yes I was flirting. We talked. We kissed and we were on our way... it was wonderful and fabulous and that is the way love should be. Why think so much about it? You know? Like, why all the mental list? Life's too short! Enjoy each other.....

We loved each other. She will always be in my heart. But, the time we needed to be together came to an end..it's just how it works sometimes. I have the priceless, precious memories. I wish her well. I will always love her and she knows that.... now that's priceless!

Motorcycle Riding Lessons?

My ex works with Mr Motorcycle..yeah, she knows all about them. The other evening she was looking through the commuity college class schedule and declared she was going to join an all women's motorcycle riding class. Before I could even hear what I was saying I said. "Oh, I'll do it too!"

Now, years back I rode a rather small motorcycle around the block and I rather liked it...you know the shifting and down shifting and all...the vibrations..the calf burns on the exhaust pipe.

I'm just hoping she traded the motorcycle lessons in for golf lessons she anounced that she was taking. I did sign up for that.

A friend of mine told me about a women who on the first day of motorcycle class ran the thing into a building...yeah dead. she was dead.

Another rider ran into a car..she's in a coma.

I'm out of here I thought... not for me. I'll take my bicycle along the shoulder of the road any day. Yeah, I chickened out. I told her I wasn't use to all that power between my legs. She said she didn't want to hear about it...the power, not me changing my mind about the lessons.

Anyway, truth be told, just between you and me, she's a wee bit clumsy at times. I've been bicycle riding with her and she like just falls over sometimes. A few times taking me down with her; the domino effect in action.

So she is my ex; she is my family. She is all the family that I have. So, I hope she changed her mind about taking motorcycle riding lessons. I was afraid to ask when she called earlier about the golf lessons and dinner tomorrow evening if she signed up for them. Her birthday is Wednesday, I'm taking her to the restaurant of her choice.

God, I'm asking you, please. Keep her safe! I want to be able to help her celebrate many, many more birthdays.....

Namaste!

Way to go 18 year old!

On his 18th birthday, the first year this he is ellib le to purchase a lottery ticket this kid wins 200,000. I was so pleased to read that he will buy a car and then invest the rest......good for him. Because if he invests say, 60/40. Sixty percent stocks and forty percent bonds ( and that for a young person is conservative enough and reasonably safe.) in just seven years approximately, he will double this amount assuming he makes about 10% each year. Might I suggest he get in touch with Vanguard a non-loaded mutual fund company. For 500. they will desvise a plan and for another 500. will put it into place. What I think he needs to do is put this money in annuities or IRA's and not touch it for 25 years and he will be a millionaire...I say go ahead get a college education, work toward it. He should live his life as if he doesn't even have this money....forget about it...don't touch it. He just has his retirement in hand and will be a millionaire and then some to boot. Way to go Mr Eighteen year-old... you are off to a fantastic start....remember..think things over. and watch out for E Jones and others who want 3% off the top to invest your money.....talk to Vanguard!

I would not touch this money myself, or put it in any other investments that could go belly up. Don't gamble! Don't be a fool, people, will seek you out and offer sob stories.. don't listen. I hope he uses good common sense and puts it all in funds after speaking with someone at Vanguard!

My best of luck to him....may he use his head. He sounds like he does have a good amount of common sense.