Guilt!

I got this Catholic guilt thing going on; I hate it! There must be a pill for it? I know it will only get worse the closer it gets to Thanksgiving and the Holidays.

I haven't spoke to my family since Spring; and once more, I don't want to! God help me!

Maybe they'll just forget about me! When I was a kid, I would hide in the shadows of the stairs and wish I could just disappear. I didn't want to be there; but, I had no allies. I just had to wait it out until I was old enough to be a job and get out.

I wanted to cut the ties clean. I didn't want to hear: "After all we did for you!" I learned at a very young age not to ask for anything; not to owe them anything. I kept my promise to myself and never asked for favors or money. All I have achieved through life, I achieved on my own.

Actually, from a child, I was never encouraged to learn beyond my parents education, which wasn't high school. There were no words of encouragement or hugs.

Even as a young adult, there was sex, but there were no hugs. Sometimes for a long time where wasn't even any sex ( I played the straight life). I was shy, so that did help; but, I remember needing a hug so bad and my heart aching. One night in particular, I guess I met this guy and he hugged me good night standing next to my car. I needed that hug so bad; I felt it throughout my body. I had always thought men just thought of sex; I never believed them when they said they loved me. But, for some reason, that moment; that hug, has stuck with me all these years.

A moment like that happened about a year ago, this wonderful doctor sensed that I needed a hug. What made it better was that she came to me and hugged me for as long as I needed to be hugged. She was there for me! I miss her! I felt so loved! It was all the more special, because I loved her; but, she didn't know it. There was just something wonderful and compassionate about her . She had a loving heart and I thought about her a lot for a long time. I think her hug saved my life. It was that one special moment I waited for for a lifetime it seems.

Too bad, there aren't very many loving, compassionate and warm people in this world. Although early in the summer there was one. She wasn't into hugs; but, I loved loving her. My heart didn't ache when I loved her; it was very nice. She loved me as best she could; that person is gone now!

You wouldn't think that our childhood conditions us so for adulthood; and try as we may, it's very hard to get rid of those feelings. I try to be without feelings, but it is hard for me. I wish I wasn't a warm and compassionate person.

My father ignored me; except to scold. I remember being a toddler and coming to my mother's knees as she sat and reaching my arms up for a hug. "Your too big to hold!" It broke my heart! I felt very alone and I was alone most of the time; that is when the ache began.

When I was a child, we lived in isolation on a farm. I was my mother's helper. She was/is demanding, manipulating, controlling, and self-serving. She's old now, my family will be unforgiving of my abandonment. I don't care! I've given her fifty years; I can't do it any longer. I have tried to self analize my predicament. Do I detest my mother because I am becoming like her? God, I'd rather be dead. She is everything I"m not! I have tried very hard not to be like her. She complains all the time. So, you will never ever hear me complain. She was always needy. I tend to be very self-sufficent; in fact, to a fault. She was never loving or encouraging; I feel that I am.

They say we choose our body type and our parents for a reason; to condition us to fulfill our purposes in life. Recently, I have connected the dots and have seen where there were reasons I knew people in the past and that was to understand people I meet and love today.

Our bodies may die, but our souls live on from one life time to another. What we learn in one lifetime is subconsicouly taken with us to the next. Our spirt, soul and heart are one. We choose when we will be born and when we will die. We choose our body types, our intellect; our parents only contribute our DNA. Our personalities are a reflection of our soul. In the spirit world, age and gender or of no sufficence. To me this is good stuff and I can't wait to find out what the hell is going on with me. Maybe I'm learning for my next life. No matter, life is an adventure and I'm trying to learn all I can. I hope I achieve something worth while in this lifetime. If not. I look forward to dying and coming back again. Next time I'm going to be a doctor.

I should have been able to over-ride my parents negativity and lack of inspiration. I should have made more of myself no matter if I was encouraged or not. I'm sorry, I didn't. Next time, I'm choosing very loving and encouraging parents. I watch "Women Docs" on the Disovery Channel. All of them say, that one or more of their parents encouraged them to aspire to their dreams. One doctor said to her mother." I think I want to be a nurse." Her mother lovingly reponded. "Why not a doctor?" That's the kind of mother I' m having next time; and then, I'll be a mother like that too. My mother didn't inspire motherhood. I didn't want to be a cold mother like she was; I wouldn't do it to a kid. I didn't feel the love; I think you have to feel love in order to pass it on; to want to pass it on to a child. I would have been a good mother; but, I was too afraid I'd mess the kid up. So, therefore, there were no kids. I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed myself to be born; why as a spirit did I come to live in the human form?

I'm going to a seminar soon: "Creating the Life You Were Born to Live" I'm going to love this; it is something I am extremely interested in. It will cover: Examing my pre-birth "planning session" where I will review my past life and set intentions for this lifetime. I will learn to understand my soul choices for this life regarding body-type, intellect, personality and more. I will discover which childhood interests, talents, and events give clues to my purpose in life. I will explore "bardos" (life between life) where one makes arrangements to reconnect with others, and how I would recognize them. All this will help clarify my life's purpose and how it pretains to talents and soul gifts I have come to share.

Note: The two people I have recently loved: The doctor and then my summer love; well, I believe that as spirits we knew each other in past lives. That is why our hearts felt connected when we were together. And, that is why they both will live on in my heart. I look forward to more special loves in my life before I move on out of here. Personally, and in all honesty, I think life is very exciting. I have to remember not to let my environment run my life; but, instead to create my environment. In other words, don't just let life happen; make life happen!

Suggested reading: "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton and "The life You were Born to Live" by Dan Millman.