I love the rain!

I ran about forty minutes in lite ran this morning; with my cap pulled down I can keep my glasses dry. I was dressed in moisture wicking fabric; there is nothing like it because you never feel wet! It's fifty-five degrees; a perfect running temperature!

Clothes made of cotton are my lease favorite to run in; because they get heavy and hang when they get wet. I stay dry feeling with the moist wicking fabric by Cortex and others.

Yesterday I rode for thirty miles around the city, looking for short cuts; sometimes my short cuts turned into long extended routes; especially when I get turned around. I got turned around twice yesterday and after a few miles discovered I was headed further away and in the wrong direction. I even had to pull my map out of my seat bag at one point. But, all in all it was very adventurous and wonderful. The weather was perfect; nearly seventy degrees and mostly sunny. I had a blast!

Yes, I was riding alone; I would like to ride with someone who is special to me; but that is not possible, so I was content to be my own company!

There is nothing like getting out there and riding like the wind and feeling the pull on all my muscles at once. It's great!

I guess I could ride in the rain, I have a fender and front and rear lights; maybe tomorrow I will. But, there might be one problem - slick tires on wet pavement! I only will ride my road bike so I guess I'll rethink that idea.

I'm having a great time enjoying my independence; there is only one person I would like to see occasionally and intimately; she knows who she is. I met her last spring. I don't know what happened? Either we saw too much of each other or we began to care too much. I know I was beginning to get comfortable and that is always a bad sign with me. My subconscous, I believe was trying to alert me but I ignore the premonition.

Is this ever going to be an interesting holiday season! Actually, I will be totally alone for the first time, in my life, I guess. I have not spoke or communicated in any way with my family since early May, I guess. And at that time I felt like a fish out of water. I could not tolerate being in the presence of my mother. Even last year for the holidays, I think I spent a total of one hour with them. They didn't like it when I got there late; I was at my neighbors house for a longer time then at my families.

I moved to another state at the end of June and didn't tell them. My nephew left a message one Sunday in July saying he needed to talk to someone; he wanted me to call him to talk. Trust me, I know my mother put him up to it! It's insulting how ingorant they must think I am. I really had to laugh! My mother thinks she has to use treatery to get people to do her bidding. It is totally amazing to me how manipulating, controling and self-serving she has always been. She has no compassion or concept of what another person may be thinking or feeling; it is only all about her; how, it all "effects" her. She only sees from "her" point of reference. It is totally amazing to me! I am so glad to be "out of there"!
My sister is worse! My sister got to know my neighbor at one point and they hung out for awhile. My neighbor would always ask about my present love and she was concerned. I knew I fell inappropriately this one time; I had no business letting this person know that I loved her. I know that. I was in pain, suffering and she knew it, she understood. Actually, she was quite wonderful in her handling of the situation. In my heart (not in action) I will always love her. Our heart and souls touched that day if only briefly. But, my neighbor was interested and cared about me. Then there was my sister - nothing - total silent - was her response. And that did it for me! I wonder if she knows that her son is gay? He never brings his partner to any family functions. Personally, I'm sick of the secrets and pretending like we are the same.

I think I have had it with my family, they never truly acknowledged or accepted my life style. It was ignored at best! I felt invisible!
Why are they more important than me; why must I sacrifice my happiness for theirs? Why am I expected to live a lie? I have had enough of the descreet and for who? Why should I sacrifice my life style, which I hide all my life until I was forty, for those people. They treated me as shit for years; so why did I sacrifice myself? For what? They are no better or no more important than I am! I kept quiet and sat in the background - no more!

I don't ever remember my mother hugging me, never; even when I was a toddler; I was told that I was too big! Kids were supposed to be seen and not heard and to serve the adults. No more!

Actually, I'm looking forward to it; I don't mind if I'm alone. Besides Christmas is on a weekend this year; it will just seems like any other weekend to me.

I just do not want my family thinking that they should try to contact me. I don't want to be contacted. Now, you may think I'm nuts or disturbed; let me tell you, for someone one raised Catholic and taught to honor and obey authority and your parents, this was a tough choice.

Actually, there was no choice involved. I can't stand to be in the same room with my mother. I have to flee, and that is how I truly feel when I was in the same room last Christmas and the spring before at a funeral. For some reason, I see them all from a different angle now; a different point of view.

On September 20th, 2004 when Teresa hugged me, she save my life. She doesn't know it, but she saved my life. It was after that day, I knew that I had to be true to myself and nobody else; that I did not owe anyone anything. I do not need to sacrifice my happiness for anyone. Too, bad it took three therapist to get me to believe that!

I strongly dislike and disagree with the teachings of the Catholic church. Their teachings and scriptures are so self-serving, so manipulative, and controlling - gee just like my mother. She didn't love me either, only wanted to use me to serve her purposes!

My only fear is that, they will try to contact me. I already know that I will not response. Maybe I'm flattering myself; they probably have me written off already; in that case, I'm thrilled!

Just go away! I'm no good in relationships of any kind, I guess; after a couple of months I begin to subconsciously push and pull away. Too bad, we just can't come together on for occasion for intimacy!

I'm working on my writing skills; I realize that it doesn't appear so. Speaking of writing skills, I am reading a book for Oprah's book club and the author did not use quotes or commas. I think they'll publish anything. Appears that publishers are so much more relaxed now. Radio personalities are no better, I always notice incorrect language skills, like: "How long did he walk for?" instead of "How long did he walk?" or "Sherry and me" instead of "Sherry and I saw the same movie."

Well, it's time to walk my rottweiller and then throw another log on the fire and write another short story.

I'll write over the holidays, maybe about loveless families. Or how Hallmark and the Catholic church has guilted us!