I'm stalling......

shame on me! Well, I need to get to working on changing both bicycle tires with my old bike and I'm stalling because I think it's going to be back breaking and I'll probably run into problems and do not particularly feel like dealing with crap today.

I should have gone to the gym, swam and work outed to get me going. Instead I walked with my friend L and that just conjured up thought of relationships or lack of relationship. Seems hers is fine. Like the woman can't see enough of her. My friend has problems of feeling rushed. I know I wouldn't like that either. But still she says they get along great and have many things plans to do in the near future.

The one I'm seeing - well not really. You have to actually see someone to be actually seeing them. The worse is - I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship. In relationships that I see I always see a domineering figure and a mouse. It's never really equal. But I know two practically equal couples and they don't look normal to me. Like clones. How can you actually think for yourself after a while?

So, I'm in a confused state. Well, I've always been alone even as a kid. I only had friends at school during school and there was no after school activities. I felt defeated and stiffened even as a child. I felt imprisoned. I never realized how entrapped, scared and lost I felt until I guess years later. I had no scale or scope to compare my life too at the time. We lived in the country - isolated. I had no one to study with or talk with. There were all boys in the area. My brother was never at home. He was mean anyway. My mother was cold and distant. There were no hugs. She pushed me away as a toddler and my dad laughed. He was cold too. I knew I was alone. Very alone.

I got my love through day dreams. Someone - a stranger - would be sweet to me and I would hang on to that for a very long time. And feel her warmth in my imagination. I was very shy and scared. Like I said we lived isolated in the country.

High school was not much easier. I was shy. Nervous. Unworthy. I had no self esteem. I was better the last two years.

I always tried to second guess people and drove myself nuts trying too. I was taught by my mother to be a people pleasing idiot especially for her. "What will people think?" If I heard it once I heard it 10,000 times. So, everyone else was more important than me I guess.

She complained when she "had" to go to town to buy school clothes and shoes. I felt a burden I was scared. I had no friends. Other kids it seemed got together in the summer or weekends I didn't. I was very lonely and I guess I didn't realize what the ache actually meant. I couldn't put titles or words to it. I just grew accustomed to my isolation.

I don't like men. Men are privileged and get to do what they want. Knowing that hurt like hell! Girls were supposed to get married and "obey" so the vows say. What was in it for her. And it hurt my heart ever so much more to love her and know in my heart, in my life, I would never have her - that a man would always win her over. It broke my heart!

So even today. Just what in the world have my spirit guides done to me? I'm so different than everyone else. I hold a higher standard to self discipline and maintaining good health. I look buff, fit and trim and I"m proud of it. But, I'm one of a kind. Women that I am attracted to are usually straight. It seems lesbians have the unseen license to expand with age with shrinking hair and become ever more proud of themselves looking butch. I don't fit the mold.

God help me - I don't fit the mold. And once more I'm rather be dead than to change my ways. Hey, I tried that for a few years. I totally lost myself and of course alone the way my heart hurt.

I was invisible growing up. I was on the outside looking in. A people pleas er. As long as everyone else was happy I was supposed to be happy. I'd rather be dead than go back to that!
I left the whole works and hope I never see them ever again!

Some time I wonder and dream of her. Some times I ache for her. My heart breaks. I'll never have that love I have always longed for. I wonder - does it even exists? I don't know relationships. I swear, I do not know relationships. I'm not good at it at all.

Love and relationships are expected and therefore come naturally. They come from supportive happy family backgrounds with one or more parent's encouraging love and support. I don't remember that. I remember my parents fighting. I remember my brother beating on me. I remember being ridiculed and mocked and laughed at. I remember hurting deep inside.

I don't know love. I only have strange relationships. Uneven relationships. And so my heart hurts.

It's not of this life time I know. Time is running out! I wonder why? I know that I was born way too soon for what I need. There is no match for me. There is the pot for this lid. And so I continue to hurt. At times I miss the relationship I had for a few years. I miss it bad.

But, I guess that wasn't working for me. I was on the side lines. Well, I don't know - once more I don't really care.

You see how I get when I don't get to work out.... I get depressed.

So, I'm going to check the swimming schedule and see if I can get a swim and work out in before the evening rush.

It's now 10:30 PM. I stalled and stalled and stalled. I did go swimming for only a few laps because the manager came and told us to get out of the pool while they clean up the poop mess some kid made. I and another woman certainly didn't hesitate and got the heck out! How gross! There should be a solid wall and a separate system between kids and adult. But you know that will never happen because it's not cost effective.

Later I thought, when I was a kid and went swimming in the huge city out door pool we always saw turds floating near the baby pool and no one made up get out. We just stayed away from the baby pool. I remember it clearly. I must have thought that it really looked gross. That pool got very crowded in the four and five foot. And the older girls were very pretty. I was probably in three or fourth grade. Memories. How funny! I think I had my first crush on the girl behind the counter when I went up to buy a frozen Snickers. If only we were free to be who we really are!

So, the swimming was short so I worked out for awhile. Then I went shopping. Hello! I hate to shop but it beats changing four bicycle tires and surely running into trouble doing it.

So it was about 7:30 PM when I began on the back patio in the cool shade. It really didn't go all that bad. I had a blow out in between there. So, I did three back wheels. Hello! I finally figured out to put the tube in the tire then try to get the tire on the bike. I only hope the two Continental tires from my old bike that I put on my new bike hold up! I hope I didn't pitch the tube while putting it on. But the last one I did really fast. So if I blow it; I'll change it!

And my back didn't hurt. Well, I had comfortable shorts on. Man, when I have to change a tire on the road bending over in Spandex bike shorts just kills my lower back. So, I hope I stay lucky.

So, now I'm resting for a bit before I draw some more. I'm tired! Hey, it pays to have good, decent, expensive, the best, tires on your bike. There is nothing worse then a flat tire when it's blistering hot and you can't find shade. I thank the universe that I didn't get that flat when I was 25 miles out - down near the industrial area of the city on Broadway. I am very grateful!

Which reminds me - on my way to the gym to swim I sort of rolled a four way stop and took the car to my rights turn - which just happened to be a cop. :) Ooh, he put the lights on and came after me. I pulled over right away and was getting my wallet with driver license and insurance card ready. When he came up to the window he already got a call dispatch which sounded like it could be a domestic dispute. So he was distracted - which was good for me. "He said you don't need that..." regarding my driver license. He said you didn't see me did you? I liked the way he went on to make excuses for me - "that's a very wide intersection and it's hard to see....." Bottom line - he let me go and I told him thanks and that I would be more careful. Whew! dodged that one. When I came back through an hour or so later he was wasn't around. Well, the police station is right down the street. I should know better. I was only too glad he was smiling and nice and busy. I will be more conscious of my actions. If only every one else would. God, some people are awful out there.