Seems to be an odd time in my life...

I'm dating....that's it... I'm dating. She not loving, or romantic. Doesn't hug or want to cuddle! I invited her on a vacation...she coldly put me down.. my friends noticed. "Wasn't her response rather business like!" Hello! All business - doesn't trust anyone.. always ready to catch someone at something. She creates her own unhappiness! I might be finished..sooner than I think with this. If you hurt her.. she'll continue to see you but make life cold for you - all that instead of talking it out! Hey, it's more dramatic.. guess she can hash it out then.. analyze it!
I happened to to send the dejection letter along on a forward.....and yes, I heard remarks, so it's not just me! There are no sweet, cuddling love words. It's all one sides....and you know how long that lasts!

I find I'm crying more...feeling rather depressed, lonely. Oh well, if it wasn't so far I'd gather up my stuff and go.. but don't really want to drive two days by myself or fly a lay-over flight alone either. And winter weather is unpredictable anyway.

Maybe next year. Maybe next year it will be warmer.. maybe go later in the year. It was only 60 degrees down there anyway.

So I am a little sad when your friends are feeling your pain and see the "business like" matter too! It's not right. I'm too nice!

It's it funny. All I ever needed and wanted was affection.. plain and simple and true. Instead it seems I have attracted the macho, put-downers, correctors, cold, bossy.. types Hm.

The good doctor.... I miss her

My heart is beating, almost pounding, for she asked about me..my friend who is a patient says she always does...even told my friend she had to tell me she couldn't see me anymore! My friend said maybe by now you could... I said no that I couldn't because I still feel the same way. God love her heart - she asked about me! Our hearts hurt that day.....she said so..I was dying inside...I wanted to stay in her arms forever where I felt safe and loved. A lifetime of love felt in only moments.

Last time I saw her was four years ago last September 20th, '04. I still love her!
Recently, she popped into my mind and heart again.. probably when my friend was there to see her. My friend said she looks the same. I miss her! Nothing has changed...I'll never be able to see her because I feel the same way.

Funny how things happen.. how conversations pop up. Another friend, my ex, was hurt at work this evening. I had just happened to call her when she was on the floor and her PCL was hurting badly. I offered to come get her.. but had no access to the building..she said our good friend and co-worker was on her way.. we all met up at the emergency room. She'll be making a doctor's appointment and getting an MRI. The Xray showed no broken bones. We didn't think there was. She heard a snap or was it a pop...she said it sounded like a rubber band.. not good. Her job requires climbing up and down a ladder and working in the direction of her left for hours at a time.

I was sad this evening..since yesterday. The woman I'm seeing doesn't love me...doesn't want to even.. doesn't meet me half way.. but sex is so good. I wanted a magical trip out of town.. she didn't but I love her. Anyway.. she's not bending.. I can tell. If I wouldn't call her.. she wouldn't call me. Sometimes I just don't know. I wished she loved me or at least pretended she loved me. Why is it so hard to get affection, caring and sex in the same person? Why? I've been seeing her for seven months now and we are not progressing. I used to see her during the week.. at first she told me she had fallen in love with me and would follow me anywhere.. now it's like I'm being punished.. Well, I did mess up Thanksgiving. I uninvited myself. Well, hey, I don't do families. Well, as a precursor she made me afraid of hers intentionally, or unintentionally but all the same.. all negative. So, like...after I declined she said she was glad that I did because the alcoholic brother showed up. Oh well. But, she had backed off even before that... if I would have felt her love and closeness I would have been there for her. She can't communicate. She turns herself off. No affection...she did hold my hand during the movie and play though.. good - very good! I guess that's it. I think she wonders why I care for her.. so I don't know. She doesn't hug me back and that hurts. It hurts my heart.

I want the good doctor to hold me and put my face in her hands and look into my eyes and kiss my cheek..even if she must say "I can't do this!". I'll always love her tenderness. I'll always love her. I'll never forget it and her sweet kindness. It's funny.. I waited a lifetime for minutes that will last many lifetimes. I know we must have loved in a past life.. it just feels like it. Maybe it's why she still asked about me. I sure miss her. I just wish I could feel her arms around me.. once again. No, I can't see her as a patient... I still feel the same way. There is something so loving and healing about her. I miss her!

Oh well, at least I get to hear that she still asked and that she is doing okay. Funny how I just can't get love right.. not all in one package.. how it hurts. After four years of woman experience ... and hopefully emotional maturity....I still love her... I wonder would I be any different - or she?

I love my ex too.. I'll check on her tomorrow to see if she needs anything. I don't mind. We are family! We friends are family.. all of us!

It's late now.. better get some sleep. Tomorrow afternoon I'll draw my favorite model..hm. That might not be a good thing. I'll just want my girlfriend and she's got me down to one night a week now. See, she doesn't love me! I know she doesn't love me.. she tries to push me away.. sabotage our relationship.. It's a push pull kind of thing. Ezekiel says "plays games". Well, okay! I can play games.. Negative..why so negative... why analyzing and testing..all the time. Let's just have fun? I have no idea!

Well, I wish to thank the universe for all of my many blessings, my friends, my loves, the good doctor - who warms my heart - even from the distant past. I love her!
Thanks universe for keeping me healthy, wealthy and wise as the saying goes. I certainly appreciate it. I need to exercise more.. ride my bike trainer tomorrow.. do yoga.. when the snow melts.. run. I need to swim too! Maybe after art tomorrow.

Please take care of the good doctor, my other loves, my friends, me..keep us all happy, loved, safe, magical, physically fit, youthful, brilliant, talented, warm, loving, happy, kind, thoughtful of others, considerate and more. Make the moments - magical! Keeping in indirect contact like this with the good doctor is truly magical! Maybe I haven't seen the last of her.. there's been times when I have magically seen her on TV several times now.. like it's meant to be that I see her. She always pops up it seems when my heart acts.. and I need her. I hope she knows in her heart that I carry her always in my heart.. I love her.

The universe does help us and sends us signals when we need our closet spirit guides and friends. I was compiled to call my ex when she needed help. I will always be there for her...she knows that. It hurt to know my position has taken a backseat..not like the old days. It hurts. Of course it hurts. But, I'm here and I'll always be here.

Sometimes I feel very lonely. But we'll see what happens now from here on out.. I know the universe will guide and protect me physically and mentally and emotionally.. guess I'm on another quest.. of aid coming to someone's aid. I could use some more help and guidance.. did I mention love and affection and wonderful sex too? Help me out. I know I said affection when I put in my last request? not only in bed otherwise too. Oh you can make it happen. very soon. very soon. Thanks!

Blowing the money....wasting the bail out!

Thian fired from Meryl Linch.....for $1500. waste basket.. Citigroups buys a 50 million dollar jet..a super luxury jet.. not even built in this country! The whole Republican bunch knew it too! There was no oversight put in place! These fools are wasting our tax money.. and people are losing their houses.. while these greedy, sinful fools are wasting our money.. that should have rightfully been spent on us in the form of social benefits.. decent health care.. decent electric cars!

And then there's the fool Secretary of the Treasury who cheated on his taxes.. some more bull shit both houses let him get away with and yes have appointed him to the Secretary of Treasury position. He even looks like a crook!

As a tax payer.. getting ripped off at every turn.. I demand honesty in government and business... I demand that his so called government for the people by the people gets honesty and integrity. This fool Thian redecorated his office for one million dollars.. of bail out money. I think the damn fools should be made to live in a cardboard box and eat bread and water for a month and see how they like it.

Where do the likes of these greedy bastards get away with getting away with this crap and for years until its gotten to the point of being sinful!

Any middle class tax paying American who ever votes Republican again.. should have their head examined. Cheney and the Bush bunch were nothing but a bunch of crooks.. oh NPR won't say it! Rachel Maddow falls short of saying it.. too. They are all corrupted.

We have tax payers out there in America losing their homes while these fools got all the money.. we should have gotten.. Pelosi and Frank should be ran out of town with them.. and the person appointed as overseer isn't doing her job! Have they been bought too?

Just what is the fucking deal? Obama better start prosecuting some of these crooked asses or this kind of crap will never stop.. Get all the lobbyist out of Washington.. We all know that the Iraq war was nothing more than a Halliburton money making business adventure.

Pro-Choice Anniversary of Roe Vs Wade

On this anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.. in the 21st century.. with a brand new "for the people" president. A liberal president we still have narrow minded Repubicans. I guessed I had hoped they would all settle in the sunset with Bush! You know.. just go away! I just can't believe that Christians are still out there pushing their beliefs. They only alienate more and more trying to push their beliefs on others.. I mean demanding their beliefs onto others.. as if they were god themselves. God gave us each a conscious to make up our own minds.. and usually by adulthood or even our teenage years our minds are already made up to issues such as abortion.

If you don't believe in abortions I suggest you don't have one.. Mr. Preacher man! Other than that keep your own mouth shut!

Personally I think a woman should be the only one in charge of her own body.. not some man..like he's going to carry, deliver and pay for raising the child. Bottom line: The only person a woman can count on to do that - right.. is herself! Only a woman knows if she is capable.. would you rather have your wife or your teenage daughter be denied an abortion and then sneak off to have a back alley abortion by some quack? Well, that is exactly what will happen if doctors can no longer preform abortion. It happened in the past before Roe vs Wade and it will happen again.

Are we going backwards as a society? How scary is that? Just because some conservative idiots think their way is the only way! I'm appalled of how backwards our society is in 21st century.

As it is now.. because of horrible Bush.. pharmatist and doctors can refuse to discuss, fill prescriptions,give out medicine, or perform services according to their own personal religious beliefs ( I say then get out of the medical profession if you are not going to treat everyone and then not even tell them beforehand..in other words deliberately hold back information because of your beliefs) So what we have is a monarchy.. once again.. like the witch hunt holy men back in the 1700's.

I guess Christians want everyone to be like Buggens who have seventeen kids and still thinking of having more... they want more! I don't get it? It's almost a sin! Anything to the point of abscess is a sin. Will what's worse is celebrating and praising these people. It seems rather incestuous and sinful to me...Now there's a sin for you. But then again.. I'm sounding like the preacher who protests against abortion.... I should mind my own business like he should! To each their own.. but.. like I said.. let's not celebrate it. Gees!

What I think is wrong with Christians preaching anti-abortion only puts young women at risk for searching and finding back alley abortions and dying from infections or bleeding. So the more Christians preach for life and won't quite until the laws are changed.. puts more young women at risk.. but I guess the likes of gods with the big mouths just don't get it! I'm sure the ones who preach the loudest are probably the worse offenders and are somehow trying to resolve their painful soul experiences.. maybe even from a past life.

Too bad people don't really think about the consequences of their preachings and how harmful they are to kids and people. The brainwashing.. for control and most of all monetary purposes.. if we weren't "sinners" I guess they wouldn't have any business...we they make the rules that make us sinners.. and there you are.. the almighty church. Heaven and hell.. into eternal damnation. No one can even prove there is a god much less a heaven or hell. It's a joke! Human creatures.. called men....created the bible.. and it's stories. What a forest!

Well, here is hoping most people are in their right senses and use birth control if they do not want to get pregnant and how about teaching males to be a little more accountable too.. you know it does take two! But, like I said women are ultimately in control.. maybe that's what men, these preacher men, don't like.. a woman in control! Well, be in control.. look out for yourself... so you never have to make that "abortion" decision.

And then we have schools not wanting to teach birth control and STD education to students.

What mess these Christians create. Again I suggest you mind your own business. And Bush had no business allowing the dealings of doctors and pharmacists up to their own digressions. Unbelievable!
Or they just don't care..

Just it make sense? If they are so pro life why didn't they protest the Iraq war? Why not protest drunk driving...guns? Oh guns..they like guns! See what a bunch of hypocrites they are? Picking and choosing the battles.

I say think what you want.. but keep it to yourself.. don't protest, riot or peach it from the pulpit. My consciousness.. my soul is none of your businesses.

Christians are nothing but womanizers, male authoritarian controllers and manipulators of others. Mine your own business. Do not make that young woman who gets into trouble risk her life because you forced Washington to change laws to satisfy your consciousness. Pro-life is a personal choice. My body is my body.. mine to do with as only I see fit.. but some stupid ass money grubbing control freak who has a big mouth!

Inclusiveness spoken by Rick Warren needs to include gays or just maybe he and religious sects WILL be ostracized! Maybe America is tired of bigots! Gays are not pedifiles as Rick Warren tried to preach!! Is that why he is a preacher? You know the ones who usually scream the loudest are usually the worse offenders! I mean look at airport stall Larry Craig! I'm too reminded of a certain large mouth preacher named Ted Haggard. See the DVD "Jesus Camp" it's a real eye opener.

So today it's okay to be gay! Atlas! This is America! Love is in, religion is out! You know how many women have had awful or non-existent sex lives because of stupid ass religious and other feeble male attitudes! Shame and guilt religiously preached! How sick is that! Men were strict and stern and any emotion but anger is not acceptable! Cold! No wonder the world was sick with wars of profit and greed! Hate is not an indication of strength but of ignorance and self-centerness! Harshness is dying in the world along with oil use and filthy rich greed!

Just one thing..

I'm waiting for Oprah's web cast to begin with Dr. Oz... so I'll take this moment to comment on what I learned while watching 60 Minutes. And what I suspected is that oil prices rose because of Wall Street traders at the Mercantile trading oil futures at Goldman Sachs, AIG, Morgan Stanley and once more.. they are in the oil business with huge oil preserves. Sounds like insider trading to me.. well Bush lifted all regulations for Enron, the 7th largest corporation in the country, who bought up all electric grids and bought and sold, and traded, futures. Bush and Cheney opened the door for "anything" goes.

United Health Group manipulated out of network charges.. to avoid accusations of conflict of interest.. you know like finance and oil companies are doing.. manipulating prices.. bidding on futures up and down the trading scale.. making money both ways while prices rise and fall.

Appears they are all doing this.. well, your good old lame duck president.. open the door for them to perform shading business and they did.

We need social programs to benefit the people and not concentrate on big shot CEO making huge bonuses, retirements, umbrella packages... and basically sticking bail-outs and profits into their pockets and allows the economy to sink!

Our president needs to enforce the regulations that were once in place to protect the American people...we need jobs, health care, affordable education and more. All the republicans ever do is make money more available for big shot corporate cronies and the hell with the average tax payer. Goldman Sachs only pays 1% in taxes versus our 28% or more.. well they have moved mainly off shore..

One in every three are

over weight according to NBC Nightly News Brian Williams! Well, seems the food industry is succeeding in making everyone ill so health care profits can rise. Just think of all the profits there are in "fat" and "unhealthy"! Tons of money to be made from people being unhealthy and over-weight!

There is the chemical companies pushing corn fructose in everything.. from soda to cereal to just everything - there is no nutritional values to corn fructose sweeteners..just idle calories to give you a huge appetite and constant cravings..so you eat, eat, eat and your body is never satisfied because you are not eating nutritionally at all! Our bodies need protein and vegetables and low-carb fruits!

Energy drinks are filled with corn fructose sweeteners.. and candy.. a big no-no! I have been on a maintenance level low-carb diet for months now and I feel wonderful. I allow myself 55 carbs per day. That's way less even than people with Type II Diabetes get!

Our diets are so wrong.. doctors push carbs and calories and very little protein.. the reverse should be promoted..low carb... should be stressed!

But as a nation, as a society, we have been super-sized into becoming huge couch potatoes who refuse to exercise!

Why do people wait until they weight over 200, or over 300, or 400 before they decide its time to do something about their health! I think it's because corn fructose is addictive.. hey, it worked well for the cigarette companies. Addiction!

There is money in illness in a capitalist society! Get'em fed, get'em sick, get'em treated and makes lots of money doing it, all the way around! Genius!

And people are at fault too! We've become a nation of fat slobs without self-respect I guess. Safety in numbers I guess! We're all in denial!

And the kids are the same way.. this is the first generation of kids not expected to out live their parents! Yeah, food industry.. you are so successful in getting people hooked on carbs, junk and sugar! Lots of soda made with corn fructose.. addictive.. gives us constant craving.

I know a slim girl in college who ate nothing but pop tarts, and drank Dr. Peppers and was thirsty all the time.. and tired.. so she'll get a shake for energy.. ..she was thirsty and peeing all the time because she had stage II Diabetes...

I know another woman in her fifties that lived on diet coke (that sweetener is dangerous and addictive) and instead of kidney stones.. she got kidney gook..like clue..in her kidneys. The doctor saved her kidney's.. she is diabetic but still drinking diet Coke thinking that.. well, it's diet.. so that's okay! People are fools buried in denial......and/or tricked by the food industry.. who got her hooked on corn fructose.

People love their sweeteners and they are even more dangerous than plain C and H Brand Hawaiian Sugar.. remember those commercials? The chemical companies are making a killing in more ways than one!

The chemical companies control the soybean and corn farmers by giving them kick backs.. vegetable farmers do not get government subsidies! Well, farmers used oil products fertilizers and herbicides on their crops. Farmers cannot hold back seed for next seasons' crops either.. they must by seed from the seed companies... it's all part of the business. The food business. We are so manipulated by the food industry.

And look how cattle are fed and fattened without grass or exercise and pumped with antibiotics.. so they don't get sick because they are living in their filth and crowded in pens. Chickens and hogs are raised the same way. Fish.. ?

Is anything safe? I eat lots of fish for Omega 3 and I wonder about it! Yes, we are a nation of glutens and excess. We are feeders pretty much like those caged animals.. eating, eating, getting fatter and fatter.. and more and more unhealthy.

There is money in fat and unhealthiness! Stronger springs, furniture to replace broken down furniture.. bigger and bigger furniture, clothes and bigger vehicles!

Yes, we are a nation in dire straits regarding our health care system..we need help! We need a prophet, a saint, like Michael Pollan, perhaps, to turn things around. I wanted him to be Secretary of Agriculture. Pollan says we do not need chemicals on fields all we need to do is rotate crops with cattle every few years and nutrients will be restored back into the soil and pests will be confused and gone according to Pollan. Ethanol or anything fermented could be used for diesel fuel to run the tractors to plant crops and till the fields.

But chemical companies are running the show.. they are the monopolies and are in control and snuff out anything else that comes along..just as the big three gas guzzler America auto companies have always done. It's their way or the highway!

And that's it! But, with our economy in the toilet and everything else ran like crap.. we are down as low as we can go.. so let's this this opportunity to turn things around and rebuild our infrastructures and go "green". Start over.. allow small businesses get into the act and bring forth their "green" talents and products. Out with the old, in with the new technologies of the 21st century! Isn't it about time?