The good doctor.... I miss her

My heart is beating, almost pounding, for she asked about me..my friend who is a patient says she always does...even told my friend she had to tell me she couldn't see me anymore! My friend said maybe by now you could... I said no that I couldn't because I still feel the same way. God love her heart - she asked about me! Our hearts hurt that day.....she said so..I was dying inside...I wanted to stay in her arms forever where I felt safe and loved. A lifetime of love felt in only moments.

Last time I saw her was four years ago last September 20th, '04. I still love her!
Recently, she popped into my mind and heart again.. probably when my friend was there to see her. My friend said she looks the same. I miss her! Nothing has changed...I'll never be able to see her because I feel the same way.

Funny how things happen.. how conversations pop up. Another friend, my ex, was hurt at work this evening. I had just happened to call her when she was on the floor and her PCL was hurting badly. I offered to come get her.. but had no access to the building..she said our good friend and co-worker was on her way.. we all met up at the emergency room. She'll be making a doctor's appointment and getting an MRI. The Xray showed no broken bones. We didn't think there was. She heard a snap or was it a pop...she said it sounded like a rubber band.. not good. Her job requires climbing up and down a ladder and working in the direction of her left for hours at a time.

I was sad this evening..since yesterday. The woman I'm seeing doesn't love me...doesn't want to even.. doesn't meet me half way.. but sex is so good. I wanted a magical trip out of town.. she didn't but I love her. Anyway.. she's not bending.. I can tell. If I wouldn't call her.. she wouldn't call me. Sometimes I just don't know. I wished she loved me or at least pretended she loved me. Why is it so hard to get affection, caring and sex in the same person? Why? I've been seeing her for seven months now and we are not progressing. I used to see her during the week.. at first she told me she had fallen in love with me and would follow me anywhere.. now it's like I'm being punished.. Well, I did mess up Thanksgiving. I uninvited myself. Well, hey, I don't do families. Well, as a precursor she made me afraid of hers intentionally, or unintentionally but all the same.. all negative. So, like...after I declined she said she was glad that I did because the alcoholic brother showed up. Oh well. But, she had backed off even before that... if I would have felt her love and closeness I would have been there for her. She can't communicate. She turns herself off. No affection...she did hold my hand during the movie and play though.. good - very good! I guess that's it. I think she wonders why I care for her.. so I don't know. She doesn't hug me back and that hurts. It hurts my heart.

I want the good doctor to hold me and put my face in her hands and look into my eyes and kiss my cheek..even if she must say "I can't do this!". I'll always love her tenderness. I'll always love her. I'll never forget it and her sweet kindness. It's funny.. I waited a lifetime for minutes that will last many lifetimes. I know we must have loved in a past life.. it just feels like it. Maybe it's why she still asked about me. I sure miss her. I just wish I could feel her arms around me.. once again. No, I can't see her as a patient... I still feel the same way. There is something so loving and healing about her. I miss her!

Oh well, at least I get to hear that she still asked and that she is doing okay. Funny how I just can't get love right.. not all in one package.. how it hurts. After four years of woman experience ... and hopefully emotional maturity....I still love her... I wonder would I be any different - or she?

I love my ex too.. I'll check on her tomorrow to see if she needs anything. I don't mind. We are family! We friends are family.. all of us!

It's late now.. better get some sleep. Tomorrow afternoon I'll draw my favorite model..hm. That might not be a good thing. I'll just want my girlfriend and she's got me down to one night a week now. See, she doesn't love me! I know she doesn't love me.. she tries to push me away.. sabotage our relationship.. It's a push pull kind of thing. Ezekiel says "plays games". Well, okay! I can play games.. Negative..why so negative... why analyzing and testing..all the time. Let's just have fun? I have no idea!

Well, I wish to thank the universe for all of my many blessings, my friends, my loves, the good doctor - who warms my heart - even from the distant past. I love her!
Thanks universe for keeping me healthy, wealthy and wise as the saying goes. I certainly appreciate it. I need to exercise more.. ride my bike trainer tomorrow.. do yoga.. when the snow melts.. run. I need to swim too! Maybe after art tomorrow.

Please take care of the good doctor, my other loves, my friends, me..keep us all happy, loved, safe, magical, physically fit, youthful, brilliant, talented, warm, loving, happy, kind, thoughtful of others, considerate and more. Make the moments - magical! Keeping in indirect contact like this with the good doctor is truly magical! Maybe I haven't seen the last of her.. there's been times when I have magically seen her on TV several times now.. like it's meant to be that I see her. She always pops up it seems when my heart acts.. and I need her. I hope she knows in her heart that I carry her always in my heart.. I love her.

The universe does help us and sends us signals when we need our closet spirit guides and friends. I was compiled to call my ex when she needed help. I will always be there for her...she knows that. It hurt to know my position has taken a backseat..not like the old days. It hurts. Of course it hurts. But, I'm here and I'll always be here.

Sometimes I feel very lonely. But we'll see what happens now from here on out.. I know the universe will guide and protect me physically and mentally and emotionally.. guess I'm on another quest.. of aid coming to someone's aid. I could use some more help and guidance.. did I mention love and affection and wonderful sex too? Help me out. I know I said affection when I put in my last request? not only in bed otherwise too. Oh you can make it happen. very soon. very soon. Thanks!