The one in the distance dream...

I'm celebrating my ex's (well it been 2 1/2 years since we split) or should I say my friend's birthday tomorrow evening. We have always kept our friendship close. It was very special. But I believe that the time we needed to be together has come to an end.

She's having her long distance girlfriend of over a year move in at the end of the month. My ex shows signs of nervousness when they were together this past weekend with a bunch of friends for a mini vacation. I think she'll be fine.

I have someone in my life too. She and I have special feelings for each other even though we don't call it a relationship. I think you can't be intimate for seven months and not develop those feelings. I miss her right after she leaves. The day after she tells me she misses me already to. We may try to see each other more than once a week..hopefully. Our time together we quality time. It's so good and that's why we miss each other so quickly I think.

I don't know about her but I'm afraid to change things just too much because longing for each other is very good. It's a very good sign that our intimacy is magical and special. Missing each other is so fabulous when we finally do get together. It's magical!

My ex and I remain close friends. I'll take her out for her birthday tomorrow evening. I just can't seen to find the right card. So, I guess I'll add my own message to it. You know sometimes I get choked up thinking that I just won't be able to pick up the phone and call her any time I want. Well another one of her friends is pretty spoiled too have her pretty much to herself. It will be different now with her having a lover around. Oh well. I'm just glad she is happy.

For some reason for the past couple of years since we split I have always tried to keep my lover's away. In other words I never wanted to rub it in my ex's face. I wanted her to find someone first to join her and her friends.

Life is just hard that way. I'm glad she and I remain close friends. I have a lover but I'm not sure I'm ready for a live in partner. I enjoy my freedom just too much. I love having separate sets of friends. They are all precious to me.

I think it's what I asked the universe for and so it is exactly what I got. I wanted someone, a regular lover, who was not totally available to me and it's exactly what I got. The longing is a little sad, the desire great and when we finally get together are moments together are precious.

So why do I long for the tall, long blonde haired beauty. I think since I was a kid, I longed for her to hold me and love me. I still long for her. She, the someone who is so far out of reach. I know who she is, I think of her everyday. The good doctor maybe. Oh why can't I have you in my life....or someone just as wonderfully warm and brilliant as you. There was something in everything about her - so magical! The other day I met a possible substitute. But, always out of reach. Always probably straight. I just wish a beauty such as this would meet me half way some time. You know, show signs of being interested in me too! Flirt with me for god's sake! Give me a sign.

I feel this longer haired blonde who is warm and sweet with pretty breast getting closer to entering my aura. I feel her. I think of her all the time. Is it another kind of longing. Is it longing for something I never got. Is it something I feel out of fear of a relationship. I'm afraid to commit to another, so I long for still another love? Does this blonde mystical woman keep me safe. Or do I know no other kind of love but only distance out-of-reach love? I never really expect anyone to love me only me loving them. Well, it was my life, my lonely life. As a kid growing up, I longed for this wonderful, affectionate, warm, tall, blonde woman to hold me and love me..it never happened. It still hasn't happened; she is always out of reach. Just me wanting her. I need to feel her wanting me. Is it fear of the present?

Well, I guess it is what makes life interesting. All of my life before and after my long term relationship. I have looked for her, longed for her. But never finding her, and if I did from a distance, she was always the one out of reach. Will I ever be able to hold her close to me and just love and adore her. Worship her! Thank the universe for her? Will our sex be just as wonderful or more heavenly then seemingly possible. This is what I want. I want fire works and shooting stars. I want it all! And because I know specify what I want...I expect the universe to deliver very soon. I can't wait!