I can't!

Say I'm crazy; say I'm out of my head. But, I just can't be or do what friends and everybody thinks I should do! No, I just can't do it!

I've got to be true to me and it's about time. They can think I'm sick, or even hate me for not doing it. I don't care!

Thanksgiving will be easy; it's Christmas that will be hard. What makes it hard is what people say and expect me to do. I'm a bad person if I don't see my family. Frankly, I don't want to see them! No one understands that!

It has taken years but things (feelings) do accumulate. I just want to be free of them. I wanted to be free of them when I was a kid, actually!

Like a round peg in a square hole, I just don't fit; but, that can be explained with physics and easily understood; it's matters of the heart and the way I feel that can not be explained. People have a tendency to judge or see things from their own perspective!

"So, you going to see your mom?" Friends ask.

I lie; it's easier! "Yeah" That's all that I say. I haven't been wanting to see them for years and have forced myself and did it anyway. But, isn't it my life too! What about my life?

"Oh, do it for your mother!" or just plain: "You're supposed too!"


But what about me? don't I count?

I never did count? So, I should continue that way? They (she) is more important than me? I guess she ranks and I'm just a peon. I did come from a "kids are see and not heard (except to work)" family

I moved and haven't spoken to them since; I never offered my phone number or address. It's been a while now! I don't miss them. I just want to be free. On days when I'm feeling happy; I almost wait for the other shoe to drop. I pray whenever I'm the happiest; because that is usually when the bad happends; so I pray - alot.

They drained the energy right out of me. I have always done what was expected of me; I obeyed. I jumped when they wanted things done. I was a good kid, I think, I took orders well. For years I was never myself: not through school and not through adult hood; I tried until I was forty to live the straight life. I tried. Isn't that long enough. And when I did partner up with someone; she was just a little like my mother (well not exactly); actually she is a good person. Although I still care about her; I had to be free of the Catholic family mentality. I couldn't be around her family with her when I didn't want to be around mine. I'm just not good at family occasions.

I'd rather be alone than not be true to myself. Of course, the lying bothers me. I don't want to lie to my friends; but, as long as they don't understand and just expect me to be with my mother; merely because she is my mother, than I'll just lie. I'll tell them what they want to hear.

I know, telling people what they want to hear is really the chicken way out; but, my situation drains me so that I don't even feel like talking about it. Besides, I'm good at keeping screts; I did it for years while living the straight life; actually, all my life. Women I loved, never had a clue that I was in love with them. I know that that is not standing up for myself! In a way, it's what I did all of my life: I told them what they wanted to hear. It was never about me; always about them. I'm a pleaser and a peacekeeper and that after a while makes me unhappy.

Well, I was! I don't care anymore if I never speak of my family, and I don't, then why ask me if I'm going to see them? It only makes me feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty! I really don't blame people, I'm just venting because I'm tired.

Well, I was happy today! Usually, the day that I'm the happiest; something like this happens and then I'm sad again.

My friend hasn't spoke to her dad in years. Yet, when I lied and said. "Yeah" when she asked if I was seeing my mother, she says: "That's good!"

I don't want to go there. I just want them to leave me alone; the whole lot of them. Just go away!

My family members are nothing but a bunch of hipocrites themselves. My mother lied to me for years; I have closeted family members; who would deny in an instant that they are gay; so I have no alies, none what so ever. My being a lesbian was totally ignored and looked down on like a rare leprosy, like the plague, Well, they can just be closeted for their mother's and just see what it does for them over the years; it eats away at your insides to never be yourself. I have never felt that I counted. I just just count. I never hung out with my siblings; only mainly for their kids birthday parties was I invited. I never asked for anything; because I never wanted to be indebted to them. I was belittled and abused as a young person; yet I should forget that!

I just have to vent! My ex doesn't say anything anymore she sees, I think, how they are. I really have no one to talk to about this. My therapist was on my side and has been; but people just don't understand. People think, I guess, I should try to make it work with them. I have been doing that all my life; being silent or, only telling them what they want to hear. I have done things for my mother for years; and never asked anything of her. I would think that she would notice the inbalanced nature of the situation. I think that she is too controlling, manipulative and too self-serving to even care. It as always been all about her. I have heard about every little thing that as ever bothered her. I'm drained! I made a promise with myself to never ask them for anything and to never complain about anything in my life and I have held true to that promise for years; in fact, all of my life. Somehow, I learned very early on never to ask them for anything; I knew I wouldn't get it; but, then I never wanted to owe them anything.

So, I still feel the same way I did when I was a kid and stood in the dark stairway, listening to my mothers demands of me; and my parents arguing and fighting. I feel the same way now, as I did then when I told them and of course it was ignored, but I said. "Just pretend I'm not here".

I wanted to be invisible. It was a long road without support, period. I kept everything inside about my gayness and my unhappiness at home. I kept it all inside and played the games they set up; and for what? So, they could belittle me; make demands, control me.

No, I can't do it anymore; I'd rather be alone; I'd rather be dead.

Well, I just had to vent! I'll be better tomorrow!