Making Sense of It!

Some pieces are beginning to come together: Why I am I the way I am; for instance, jumping up as soon as the alarm goes off or jumping up as soon as someone wants something; because that is what I was conditioned to do when I was a kid and my mother or father wanted me to do something. I did it for my ex too. Whatever she wanted I felt I had to do; even now still. I need to be single because I lose myself in relationships I think. And I'm oh too special to lose!

In relationships I have a tendency to put myself in the backseat, in the shadows; I'm a pleaser and love was always conditional; therefore, I believe that it always will be. The peacekeeper, the pleaser that's me. I read somewhere that people, like me, can do that for so long with each person and then they can't do it anymore. I guess it depends on the circumstances surrounding the relationship: parent/child, partners in a relationship or while dating someone.

Usually, then voicing an opinion is so out of character for me that it's met with displeasure; sometimes it ends the relationship. When I was a young adult, my mother used to hang up on me if I didn't oblige her demands. Later, she found using manipulation worked for better; self absorbed she is; the woman is self-absorbed.

The thrill is gone; it's gone a away from me. The thrill is gone; its gone away for good! I'm free from your spell! - B. B. King!

Personally, I'm beginning to feel and think that the best way to appreciate or enjoy anything is almost do it alone; I hate to say that; but, does anyone really appreciate the music, the books, the quotes, the cycling, the running, the dancing, the songs with as much intensity as I do! When I was with in a relationship, I should have spoken up; and that is true. But, I pretty much watched and listened to whatever she wanted. She drove most of the time. She wanted to, she didn't like the way I drove. She didn't like the sporty things I liked to do; usually, though when one or some of our friends wanted to; then she would but not to intensive. Now, you know; this is my side of the story, there are always two sides. I'm certainly not perfect. I use to throw little fits; but then I'll be over it - for a while anyway. Running and bicycling took care of a lot of anxiety - see "alone" again!

No, it's more of a "what can you do for me; and make sure you do it exactly the way I like it."

It's because I was alone mostly when I was a kid; and then I was conditioned you know "to please." And hurry up and do it!

I used to go about crazy, about twenty years ago, trying very hard to anticipate what she wanted; what I should do or say, it about drove me crazy. I was a mess. Therapy - it helped!

Actually, this is about as good as I've ever been; I don't know if that is saying a lot or not!

But, when all is said and done I miss loving. I loved the last one the best; trust me, it was all more than worth it. She filled my heart. Amazing!