Floating Down the River

Well, it was an adventurous weekend. You know you never know how these kayaking trip will go down. We worried about rain and evidentually got it - lots of it.

The sixty mile, hour drive went uneventful and we got there in record time even traveling at a slow pace..which I critized two days later and will probably regret that statement very shortly. Of course, topping it off with hurting her accused prying feelings will bit me in the rear too. In retrospect I push people away and I'm crude and rude and not very warm in many ways. My spirit was not in it for some reason.

I hurt people in such a way that I expected an end...a definite end. But, for now I'm left with a cold. I, we, were wet when the cabin dwellers left the doors open. Oh well, what's a sneezing fit, crap in throat and stopped up nose.

We were warned that they "bug" spray daily and dead bugs would be found and they were. Camel Crickets are creepy, big and strange looking. But dead! I cleaned them up, when the guy never showed up to do it. We covered the openings to the double sink.

I'm cold, not friendly, distrustful and push people away who I believe really care about me. I don't really know why? Maybe I don't know how to accept love, perhaps?
I'm fast to get my feathers ruffled and strike back. I have no patience. I know my inner feeling are detected. And then I feel guilty and disliked afterwards.

People lose patience with me and I don't blame them. I lose patience with myself and dislike myself after I brag about myself.

Am I feeling this way because I miss her and think I pushed her away? Probably! Oh well, I accuse then think I know everything when I miserably fail and someone else has to take over. I pray people do not really know the real me - my inner self. I'm a real jerk who can't really carry on a conversation. I used to be fun loving and happy and now I'm not. So, I don't know what is going on with me.

I trust my spirit guides to help me be a better more pleasant me. We did help out the rest of the bunch leaving them out through the meandering, crooked, tree fallen, high watered way. Our first attempt ended in turning back which ended up making us heroes in a sense.

I'm hard on myself I know. Why can't I handle someone closely observing my thinking and moves and disgussing my anxious impatience ways. No wonder they lose patients and distance themselves.

My stomach burns and I'm not sure why, but I can't complain - no one likes a complainer, a crab!