Happy New Year!

It's raining at 6:00 AM. I could stay home this evening and be perfectly happy. New Years eve is over rating and plainly down right expensive and even dangerous.

But, a movie close by shouldn't go too bad, and then the bar until ten; before it gets totally nuts.

I am still in my state of confusion and it seems this state is lasting a long time. When am I going to evolve into something wise, beautiful and loving? Am I afraid of love? Is that why I don't have it? Do I know how to be loved and set boundaries on my freedom and self expression. If my mother and family taught me what I know about love then I am sincerely in trouble. My mother was cold and demanding of service and companionship at my expense. So now I associate being loved with serving and losing myself enmeshing into my partner's ways and environment.

It's why, for a while at least, my afternoon lover worked out. She came here. I felt in control. But, now I know she wants more. She's lonely working and living with husband and visiting grandson. But, she and I are not a match maybe in bed but not socially.

We are not alike and I am not drawn. I am going to have to end this in all fairness to her and me. But, I desperately will miss the touch and holding. Oh how my heart will ache! My mind will bend...I'll begin to do crazy things and take changes for the want and touch of a woman. Lord help me please.

I've only first come to be with women fulfilling in the past two years. I pray for help! I pray for an angel to satisfy my life long never ending hunger. I was so denied - for years!

But, time begins now..this moment. Time to the universe and spirit world is so different then time on earth. To the universe many years can past in a second. I feel time is passing very quickly and that I am not making progress. Where is the love of my life. I mean one that I can actually have and kiss, touch and hold close to my heart over nights and days and dreams. I need her badly. I did/do (whatever) have a love and she makes my heart ache but I have to get over her. Too bad...for she is so much like me and we talk easily and I miss her terribly when I don't. She cares about me too. I guess what we have we what we have..it's not romantic love..but love I know. If only I could fine an older version of her.

Several months past I prayed for sex (because I already loved - yes, the one I just spoke about) and I got it. Now, I want the whole package. I'll take that chance once again. I want to be in love and her love me too. Our relationship needs to be natural not forced. Will, I ever find such a love? Will we be fun together?

When I'm out with my afternoon one, I'm not interesting or adventurous because I'm not in love. she doesn't knock my socks off. I want to be head-over-heels in love. See, she and I got together for the physicals..when I prayed for sex - I got it.

Now I'm praying for a two way love to enter my life. A romantic love where we love to be together, touch, kiss, and make love. If you don't have that...you don't have interest and affection and want the warmth of her company. I want to feel the warmth, mystery, humor, wonderfulness of her company. I want to feel like touching her all the time. God, I want and need to be in love; but this time, I want her to love me back. I need her to love me too and be very sweet, adorable, loving, affectionate, thoughtful with a wonderful sweet smile, blond hair, or light brown.. pretty casual youthful hair and full of consideration. My qualities exactly. I want a close to mirror image of myself. Why not? For a lasting relationship I feel we need to be very compatible, care free and happy with time to spend together; relaxed time...not hurried or distracted. I expect her very soon! She will have a wonderful body too and be feminine and healthy, firm and youthful. ...but I'm not jealous. We will be happy and neither she nor I will have any hang-ups..only wonderful loving love. Please God, help me with this request. I have a lot of love to give.. and I want to receive and give it.