Shallow People and Boring Ways

Some times I have associate with rather shallow minded people. Well, one who draws the others in with her. She is very materialistic and insecure. She must be very insecure because she depends so on this other person; which, of course, gives the other person a great sense of power and control. I find all this very interesting. People are just interesting in general. You would never believe that they are spirits here on earth to connect lovingly and sexually with another spirit. Most do not act spiritual but fall into the shallow minded earthly ways of ignorant people.

I see people change over night after they have hooked up with other people. Suddenly, they are no fun anymore! Too serious! Too into the other guy. Yes, I miss the fun person that was once there. Now she is too cautious as to not step on the other's toes. Maybe I'm jealous! I've never had anyone like that fuss over me. Are you kidding? My ex never gave an inch and always remained true to herself or to her other friends and mostly family. I came after them..somewhere down the line. She and I went on vacation one time alone; the rest of the times we went anywhere we went because those other people wanted to go. I'm not complaining I'm merely very jealous of people who adore other people and get away with it. I always seem to fall in love and adore the wrong person because it never reciprocated. Anyway, not yet in my life. Some people just automatically fall into a pot of gold...me I'm drowning in a tiolet here. I'm not getting my needs met.

Do I even know what my needs are? Well, I think I do? I don't know what love it...like the song. I want you to show me!

When I do fall head over heels, I'm told its only infatuation; as if, I'm too stupid to know my own feelings for someone. That so called therapist probably has never been truly in love. "He" pursued her and she followed and over time said she fell in love. Sounds boring to me! I would rather get smacked on the side of the head falling in love any day over that what seems to me a boring scenerio.

Yes, it's automatic. It seems that then when two people do get together one gains and one loses identity. One person remains the same while the other changes, or should I say surrenders.

I don't know how I feel about all of this. But it's reality and I have done the very same thing...lose myself. For a long time I had myself in a state of no identity and confusion. I was in limbo. Just floating! Inertia! Like a buffer fly in a strong wind. I went where ever life took me.

I'm still confused! I've never found that close to perfect loving partner but I have made much progress in the way of ridding myself of people who have brought me down. Problem was, I hooked up with the likes of my mother in my partner. My ex would hate to hear that. She did; however, bring me through great changes.

I should have moved away from all of them years ago into a gay community. But, gay communities only began about fifteen to twenty years ago. I am talking about ones that were not the obvious totally butch camps.

Everyone is looking for love rather they realize it or not; but, you never heard the word mention. You have hear so and so did me wrong - that bitch. Or it's all about sex. the "L" word, the "love" word is never mentioned enough.

Or maybe the "L" word is a label or should I say bandage to cover-up controlling behavior? Remember, money is power. Education is power.

Would I let the good doctor in if she knocked on my door - you bet! In a New York minute. She could control me any way she wanted.

Sometimes like my 05SL (05 summer love) I just don't get people! Sometimes they all seem shallow and selfish and too silly. Where in the hell can you go to get a one on one two directional conversation? I'm tired of the silly stuff.

Either people are complaining about something of their emotional or physical self or they are criticizing the other guy. Or they are just plain preaching meaningless words. Most of it turns to ridiculous hints of sex.

But, when it's all said and done..I guess I'm the truest to myself or my worst enemy. I don't have a clue about this love stuff. I do feel that I am my own best friend. I am secure and by this time I pretty much know people. And one thing is for secure there might be age differences but they are all pretty much the same and the cycle is just that a cycle of life passages and repeats.