It's like deja vu! Years back when Allen and I fell apart (because I wasn't straight and no one knew it) my newly coupled "so in love" friends said. "We hope you find someone. We want you to be happy". I secretly (everything about my life seems to be a secret) cried, alone hen too like I am now. School never came easy for me either.
And now I'm an out lesbian. I came out at 41, a long time ago, and have many wonderful gay and lesbian friends but; it's so late in my life and I'm so fit and youthful minded...I fear I'll never meet a like life partner.
My friends want me to be happy and are glad I "stopped" seeing the married woman. Well, that piece of information is slightly premature.
Don't you think I should meet someone new first? Okay, I know that is not fair. She knows this is temporary. Unspoken, we both know it's temporary. She loves me and treasures our moments together. I feel loved when I'm with her. She holds me and my heart doesn't ache and I like that. She is easy to be with.
I guess I don't put much stock in relationships right now..I settle in my heart and in my mind for stolen loving moments which have been very few and far between.
Oh, I know my ex loves me..we weren't lovers..we were brother and sister.
I pray for a warm loving feminine...oh so feminine...and warm like the good doctor. I miss her at times like this. She had such a wonderful heart. I miss her very much. She kissed me every so sweetly..when she could have lectured me. I hurt her heart. My heart hurt so bad; but when she held me close..they belonged together. It was like my heart found it's other half. God, how I miss her.
My timing is awful. My scared. Worse of all; I'm negative. I must know in my heart that despite it all, that one day soon I'll find love and be in a wonderful warm loving feminine relationship that can be open for all the world to see.
I guess she and I shouldn't have even started this affair but we have our needs.
I would love to be in a "real" relationship. I think I'll even ask my friends to find someone for me. Why not? they probably each know someone?
My problem - young won't date older (that's me). I would date my age if she was athletic as I am, happy, healthy and fit; beautiful and wonderful.
Where are you? My heart aches for you! Where is my loving relationship?
My friends are worried about me and that bothers me. Me? I'm accustomed to being on the outside looking in... I've done it for years. I've been lonely for a long time...since birth! Big mistake...I was too eager to be born. I should have waited at least fifteen or twenty earth years and then should have choose better parents and lived in the city
The only people I have have in my life are the ones I went after..good or bad, I went after them..it worked for a time. But only for a time.
I need the universe to intercept for me; to help me. I'm begging here. I want an attractive, warm, loving, healthy because she knows what it takes to be healthy, feminine woman. And I want her to be affectionate and very loving with nice breasts (it's my dream!). And she'll fall in love with me and come for me and let me know that she wants me. She'll pursue me very lovingly. She will woo me off my feet with her loving affection and my heart will no longer ache.
It touches me that my friends care about me so much. I love them in return. Yes, I'm a good friend. I'm funny. The clown with the smile to hide the pain. Yes, I'm jealous. It seems love comes very easy for some people and of course, I don't understand that. Is it that they merely expect to be love and therefore are? I don't understand?
Way back in time; I guess when I should have felt that sense of security and love I didn't..so I don't know love...I guess. I don't understand it.
All I know is that I have loved so deeply so many times in my life and nothing has come of it but creation of my own broken heart. Life hurts!
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