I'm Over It!

Yes, it's done! I guess my run today did me good; that and I'm getting back to my idea weight and feeling good about myself.

I can't afford to date because it involves eating dinners all the time. The last afair I had, we were always eating late in the evening and I had an upset stomach all night and couldn't sleep!

We did everything her way. Thinking back it's not worth it! Next time, I'm leading the way..

I think some people like to pick people up so they can toss them around and then when they are through just drop them on there heads; just kicking them to the side.

In this world, you have to love in order to get love; so don't expect anything if you don't put it out there. Most people just feel sorry for their self-centered selves and expect other people to pick up the slack for them. Or, they just want meaningless sex. Actually, they pretend they have feeings for people when they really don't. They pretend! My problem is that I can not pretend; what you see is what you get!

It's Cold!

I'm missing someone today; someone out of reach. Her heart is with another now.

My heart aches but it will just have to adjust. She's on my mind all the time. I'm been playing my keyboard for distraction; even bought a guitar. I went shopping and to the dentist!

Seems to me I've gone through most of my life longing for that far away unreachable heart. My heart as always found someone to latch onto. This too well past; but right now I hope it never goes. I don't want a relationship; I want to make love to her. I love the feeling of "wanting to". I've never had that before; the desire to love so affectionately and totally.

I just can't believe that I am like this? I can't turn it off! But, you know, I think I would rather love and hurt; then feel nothing at all.

I understand where she is coming from, more than she realizes; more than she cares. In my heart, I know she cares; its just that caring isn't safe.

I was the same way; or maybe I still am. I can give love; but, I don't know how to receive it. And the loves that really rock my soul or the out-of-reach loves that I have to pine over. I confuse longing with love I think.

Something for my therapist and I to ponder over. Anyway, I'm going for a run and thank my spirit guides, the universe and god for all of my many blessings and beautiful friends. I am so fortunate to have met such great friends this year adding to my long list of dear hearts I have known through the years.

I'm going to concentrate on creating a beautiful day and then watch it unfold.

A Nice Day

I had a very nice day today with a pleasant surprise.

Well, it started out in the usual manner; I ran at Frontrunners. I had a good run; got my money's worth! I was trying to keep up the the boys and I did for about a mile and I pooped out! I ran at my usual pace for the next two miles and still had a good run.

The day got warmer and nicer - it also smelled like spring this evening; it's 11:00 PM and it is 56 degrees. Nice now, but the storms will come tomorrow evening. Seems sort of strange for this late in the year to be having thunder showers.

I just got home in time from Frontrunners to get the smashed potatoes together and head to a friend' house about 40 miles west for the annual "family" Thanksgiving dinner, with a bunch of lesbians. It was fabulous; now that's family! After we got all stuffed from eating the turkey and fixings, we sat around a round table ( I love round tables) and played dominoes; we had good laughs. Seems the tryptophan made us all giddy rather than sleepy.

I had a great day! Oh, the pleasant surprise? Well, I saw someone this morning who is very special to me. I have to say that I truly admire her just for who she is. She is very articulate and expresses herself beautifully, in an intelligent, professional and friendly manner. She's an honest to god, self-made success! She should be very proud! She shines; she would out shine me even on one of her cloudiest days! I'm lucky I know her. Yes, it was a good day; we spoke kindly to one another and my heart feels good!

One Down, One to Go!

I made it! I survived Thanksgiving! I have to apologize for the little white lies I have told my friends. I did not go to my brothers. I wasn't invited; once more, I didn't want to be! I am perfectly happy!

One down and one to go! Don't ask me why I'm glad Christmas is on a Sunday? I have no idea why being on Sunday makes it easier? Anyway, I'm bailing this year; I can hardly believe it myself. But, never-the-less, I'm bailing! They won't invite me; but, my mother will invite me anyway; how uncomfortable is that? She's assuming that way! She has always done that and put me in odd positions and situations.

My mother is being her usual painful self; I can no longer be in the same room with her; sorry, but I can't! Something happened to me and I can't do it anymore; maybe I reached a saturation point? The woman cannot take a hint! She's her old complaining, demanding, controlling, self-serving, manipulative self. How dare I not speak to her - for months! She has to win, she is obstinate that way! Trust me, it's a "win" thing; she has to rule!

If she knew what I wrote in the email to my sister-in-law she wouldn't have sent me cards. Oh, she is being nice; until she has me in her grip; I'm sure she thinks I need to be around to give my brother and sister a break from taking care of her. Oh yes! I know how her mind works; she is the most self-seving person I know and always has been. Oh, she's pissed, I'm sure; but she won't let on until she's got me reeled in! My mother must have control and direct the family or she isn't happy.

I could never confide in her without her broadcasting the issue to everyone; therefore, I learned at an early age not to tell anything. I gave up my life; I lived the straight life to please her, family and society. I was robbed! It's another reason I'm not speaking; she'll turn it around like I have some sort of mental illness. I do; its called Arlene syndrome! She is so condescending! I have to remove myself, totally.

In spite of it all; I had a good Thanksgiving, I entered a competitive run with seven of my friends. We all did good! I think Rita did the 3 miles in 21:xx; John in 25:xx; Charles was about the same. Jennifer and I came in together in 27:48 and Tracy right after us. Wendy and Brian went on to then run the 6 miles after they ran the 3 miles in under 20:xx I guess. They finished before Rita. The run made my day. We had a nice breakfast too, after we found a Bread Co, that was open.

I was going to drive Lou to the airport, she was flying to Florida to be with her honey for ten days; but, I thought we would hang around for awards, so she got someone else to take her. As it was, it was cold after the run and they decided to leave the run right away and head to the Bread Co., so, I'll check back tomorrow. I may have to call or go by the Recreation Center to check. Maybe the results haven't been posted yet due to the Thanksgiving holiday.

Okay, one down, one to go! The family didn't see much of me last year anyway; about forty uncomfortable minutes worth. And in past years, when Lou was with me, my nephew would pack up this wife and kids and leave as soon as we got there. Last year when I came to things by myself; they stayed and didn't leave right away. We had noticed there strange homophobic behavior for years. We also noticed that my nephew never brought his partner with him. He's near forty years old, for God's sake. I wonder why? He won't even talk to me about gay issues; he's so closeted! Maybe, I am leading by example, I don't know? I don't care? I only know I participate any longer in their deceit and pretend everything is alright world.

I've had enough of the self-serving lies and manipulations. I've walked the line for too many years. No more! Sometimes I can't believe it myself; that I'm actually going to defy her; it's as if I was defying the pope himself. I also can't believe I'm going to do it; but, watch me! Actually, I have no respect for the pope, so why stop there!

Don't ask me questions, it will be easier; only one person can because she would understand. However, she isn't available. So, I'm on my own; still, wish me luck! I'm praying. No, not praying for reconciliation, I'm past that point! I'd rather die!

I can only pray to my spirit guides to help me! It insults me that that woman does not let up; has no more concern for me then to pump up her own ego and pride. And that is all it is; trust me! It's all for show; trust me!

I did it again- only no breaks this time

I just looked at my GPS and I ran 13 miles today. It seems that I have a slight tendency to check out new territory and get carried away by the terrain, buildings or I "wonder where this street goes." and before I know it I find myself quit a far distance from home and by the time I run back I rack up a few miles. Oh, I love it! Three Gel packs; 2 Ibprufen and I'm good to go!

It's the shoes! I love 'em: Nike barefoot. 5.0. They are very light weight. I highly recommend them. In fact, I bought another pair so I'm ready for the spring half-marathons that I will enter: Clayton and the Spirit.

I feel that I am fortunate to even "want" to run. Personally, I like the "high" I get from it. I have to run about six miles before I get the high, but then it lasts for a long time. I was finished with my run at 3:00 PM and it's 7:00 PM and I'll still flying! Maybe this feeling is just the wonderful feeling of accomplishment?

I'm losing a little weight so I get to my good running weight 117 - 119 (Got to be under that 120 number!) soon. I'm not quit there yet in a couple more days I will be. I just have to get use to feeling hungry and when I eat I eat small portions. I just eat more often snacks of boiled eggs, jello, baked sweet potato, fruit (I like frozen fruit), vegtetables and nuts maybe.

I'm feeling great and I'm doing fine, I have no complaints! I don't even want a relationship! No one out there likes to do the things I like to do; no one close to my age anyway! Really! Actually, I think that relationships are too hard and they make my heart hurt! I want to love and I do; but, no relationships for me. That last one did me in! LOL. Actually, I don't want to spoil the very special memories by merely entertaining the thought of a date with someone else just for the heck of it; or just for sex - can't do it..well, you never know (never say never). But, she is going to have to be very special in order to top the last one; or even come close to compare! That's how special she is!

I'm a free spirit and I'm happy in my own company listening to good music and writing. I'm thinking about writing classes; still looking for a good one to attend. In the mean time, I have just started writing; just for the thrill of it. I have several stories lines going already; I'll start one then start another, then go back and forth. I had taken several writing classes in college. I just enjoy it! Besides I love to type - can't you tell?

I wish 97.1 FM RED played the good jazz all the time; too bad only on weekend. Other times its a conserative talk radio station! Ugh! I'm not even going to go there, right now. I'm enjoying my BOSE Wave CD/FM/AM radio and the great music too much! Friday evening my poker playing buddies and I were grooving with Ray Charles. We had fun! It's the BOSE; I'm convinced! It makes all music sound outstanding! I said to the salesperson: "Now, I can return this in 30 days if I don't like it, right?" I mean after all it does cost $500. and his response was. "Oh, you won't want to bring it back." I liked that! You know what? He was absolutely right!

Time to do some writing. Later. Love you!

Making Sense of It!

Some pieces are beginning to come together: Why I am I the way I am; for instance, jumping up as soon as the alarm goes off or jumping up as soon as someone wants something; because that is what I was conditioned to do when I was a kid and my mother or father wanted me to do something. I did it for my ex too. Whatever she wanted I felt I had to do; even now still. I need to be single because I lose myself in relationships I think. And I'm oh too special to lose!

In relationships I have a tendency to put myself in the backseat, in the shadows; I'm a pleaser and love was always conditional; therefore, I believe that it always will be. The peacekeeper, the pleaser that's me. I read somewhere that people, like me, can do that for so long with each person and then they can't do it anymore. I guess it depends on the circumstances surrounding the relationship: parent/child, partners in a relationship or while dating someone.

Usually, then voicing an opinion is so out of character for me that it's met with displeasure; sometimes it ends the relationship. When I was a young adult, my mother used to hang up on me if I didn't oblige her demands. Later, she found using manipulation worked for better; self absorbed she is; the woman is self-absorbed.

The thrill is gone; it's gone a away from me. The thrill is gone; its gone away for good! I'm free from your spell! - B. B. King!

Personally, I'm beginning to feel and think that the best way to appreciate or enjoy anything is almost do it alone; I hate to say that; but, does anyone really appreciate the music, the books, the quotes, the cycling, the running, the dancing, the songs with as much intensity as I do! When I was with in a relationship, I should have spoken up; and that is true. But, I pretty much watched and listened to whatever she wanted. She drove most of the time. She wanted to, she didn't like the way I drove. She didn't like the sporty things I liked to do; usually, though when one or some of our friends wanted to; then she would but not to intensive. Now, you know; this is my side of the story, there are always two sides. I'm certainly not perfect. I use to throw little fits; but then I'll be over it - for a while anyway. Running and bicycling took care of a lot of anxiety - see "alone" again!

No, it's more of a "what can you do for me; and make sure you do it exactly the way I like it."

It's because I was alone mostly when I was a kid; and then I was conditioned you know "to please." And hurry up and do it!

I used to go about crazy, about twenty years ago, trying very hard to anticipate what she wanted; what I should do or say, it about drove me crazy. I was a mess. Therapy - it helped!

Actually, this is about as good as I've ever been; I don't know if that is saying a lot or not!

But, when all is said and done I miss loving. I loved the last one the best; trust me, it was all more than worth it. She filled my heart. Amazing!

What in the World is Bush Doing?

I heard on CNN today that Bush has borrowed more money, foreign money, since he has been in office than any other president in history!

All it would take is for these countries is for them to put the screws to us and we are in deep trouble!

They already have our jobs, now we use their workers either here or in their countries. When was the last time you bought anything, made in the United States? Pick up anything and you'll see "made in China" labeled or stamped on the bottom. Even your American made (my ass) car that you are taking into the service department again, because they just can't figure out the problem (oh, and it's not covered under warranty, how unusual?)

And the policitians say "the American people" wouldn't want this or wouldn't want that. Please! It doesn't look like they represent the American people to me? They represent their own pockets!

Cheney, former CEO of Haliburton, now where do you think his interest really lies. Did you know Haliburton runs all the supplies and food items in Iraq. Gee, and you never hear mention of those oil fields, I believe we are, (I mean Haliburton is) controlling.

Yes, Bush and his daddy and daddy's cronies were in the "oil" business for years. Makes you wonder doesn't it?

Personally, I think that the corporations are running the show, because they helped get Bush'y boy elected and now favors are to be repaid by having laws written and passed that will help the corporations with turning a profit. And unfortunately that means going where the labor or products to be made or got for a bargain. "Oh, we'll pass the savings on to the consumer." Now, I ask you, how would we, you and I, know if they were passing the savings on to the consumer? When I see how many hundred of millions and billions that CEO's make; I'm thinking that much of that profit or money they save skipping out on the American people, is going stright to the big shots of the companies.

What do you think? People of wealth, born into wealth, cannot comprehend the fact that the lower class people in poverty can't make ends meet? What has your president done for you lately? Let your jobs get shipped away, perhaps? Or shipped a family member off to an oil war?

Sorry, I can't help myself!

I can't!

Say I'm crazy; say I'm out of my head. But, I just can't be or do what friends and everybody thinks I should do! No, I just can't do it!

I've got to be true to me and it's about time. They can think I'm sick, or even hate me for not doing it. I don't care!

Thanksgiving will be easy; it's Christmas that will be hard. What makes it hard is what people say and expect me to do. I'm a bad person if I don't see my family. Frankly, I don't want to see them! No one understands that!

It has taken years but things (feelings) do accumulate. I just want to be free of them. I wanted to be free of them when I was a kid, actually!

Like a round peg in a square hole, I just don't fit; but, that can be explained with physics and easily understood; it's matters of the heart and the way I feel that can not be explained. People have a tendency to judge or see things from their own perspective!

"So, you going to see your mom?" Friends ask.

I lie; it's easier! "Yeah" That's all that I say. I haven't been wanting to see them for years and have forced myself and did it anyway. But, isn't it my life too! What about my life?

"Oh, do it for your mother!" or just plain: "You're supposed too!"


But what about me? don't I count?

I never did count? So, I should continue that way? They (she) is more important than me? I guess she ranks and I'm just a peon. I did come from a "kids are see and not heard (except to work)" family

I moved and haven't spoken to them since; I never offered my phone number or address. It's been a while now! I don't miss them. I just want to be free. On days when I'm feeling happy; I almost wait for the other shoe to drop. I pray whenever I'm the happiest; because that is usually when the bad happends; so I pray - alot.

They drained the energy right out of me. I have always done what was expected of me; I obeyed. I jumped when they wanted things done. I was a good kid, I think, I took orders well. For years I was never myself: not through school and not through adult hood; I tried until I was forty to live the straight life. I tried. Isn't that long enough. And when I did partner up with someone; she was just a little like my mother (well not exactly); actually she is a good person. Although I still care about her; I had to be free of the Catholic family mentality. I couldn't be around her family with her when I didn't want to be around mine. I'm just not good at family occasions.

I'd rather be alone than not be true to myself. Of course, the lying bothers me. I don't want to lie to my friends; but, as long as they don't understand and just expect me to be with my mother; merely because she is my mother, than I'll just lie. I'll tell them what they want to hear.

I know, telling people what they want to hear is really the chicken way out; but, my situation drains me so that I don't even feel like talking about it. Besides, I'm good at keeping screts; I did it for years while living the straight life; actually, all my life. Women I loved, never had a clue that I was in love with them. I know that that is not standing up for myself! In a way, it's what I did all of my life: I told them what they wanted to hear. It was never about me; always about them. I'm a pleaser and a peacekeeper and that after a while makes me unhappy.

Well, I was! I don't care anymore if I never speak of my family, and I don't, then why ask me if I'm going to see them? It only makes me feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty! I really don't blame people, I'm just venting because I'm tired.

Well, I was happy today! Usually, the day that I'm the happiest; something like this happens and then I'm sad again.

My friend hasn't spoke to her dad in years. Yet, when I lied and said. "Yeah" when she asked if I was seeing my mother, she says: "That's good!"

I don't want to go there. I just want them to leave me alone; the whole lot of them. Just go away!

My family members are nothing but a bunch of hipocrites themselves. My mother lied to me for years; I have closeted family members; who would deny in an instant that they are gay; so I have no alies, none what so ever. My being a lesbian was totally ignored and looked down on like a rare leprosy, like the plague, Well, they can just be closeted for their mother's and just see what it does for them over the years; it eats away at your insides to never be yourself. I have never felt that I counted. I just just count. I never hung out with my siblings; only mainly for their kids birthday parties was I invited. I never asked for anything; because I never wanted to be indebted to them. I was belittled and abused as a young person; yet I should forget that!

I just have to vent! My ex doesn't say anything anymore she sees, I think, how they are. I really have no one to talk to about this. My therapist was on my side and has been; but people just don't understand. People think, I guess, I should try to make it work with them. I have been doing that all my life; being silent or, only telling them what they want to hear. I have done things for my mother for years; and never asked anything of her. I would think that she would notice the inbalanced nature of the situation. I think that she is too controlling, manipulative and too self-serving to even care. It as always been all about her. I have heard about every little thing that as ever bothered her. I'm drained! I made a promise with myself to never ask them for anything and to never complain about anything in my life and I have held true to that promise for years; in fact, all of my life. Somehow, I learned very early on never to ask them for anything; I knew I wouldn't get it; but, then I never wanted to owe them anything.

So, I still feel the same way I did when I was a kid and stood in the dark stairway, listening to my mothers demands of me; and my parents arguing and fighting. I feel the same way now, as I did then when I told them and of course it was ignored, but I said. "Just pretend I'm not here".

I wanted to be invisible. It was a long road without support, period. I kept everything inside about my gayness and my unhappiness at home. I kept it all inside and played the games they set up; and for what? So, they could belittle me; make demands, control me.

No, I can't do it anymore; I'd rather be alone; I'd rather be dead.

Well, I just had to vent! I'll be better tomorrow!

Pretzel

Personally, I think Nicole Rickie lost a little too much weight! She's on Larry King show looking strange like all teeth and huge eyes with dark circles under them. She looks older than her twenty-four years. She looks at she is affected with anorexia nervosa. Bad! She was so cute when she was a little heavier. She has been addicted to every drug there is since she was 13. She looked so cute on "The Simple Life." She has a novel out now; it's fictional but the character's seem a lot like she and Paris.

Speaking of novels, I need to get reading the many books I have from the library, they are due back Friday; maybe I'll renew them for the second time.

I just got back from my yoga class; I never knew I could twist into a pretzel; but, I am so grateful that I can! At one point the instructor came and placed her hands on my hips and pushed. We were in the "child's position" (it's squatting on the floor sitting on your heels with your head between your arms that are stretched out). She asked if I had knee problems. "No" Can you believe it? I'm blessed all to hell!

By the way, I liked her hands on me. I know I said that about last week's class too. Odd, how we need human contact? At one point throughout the class we were lying on the floor on our backs with our arms out-stretched facing the right. The attractive woman next to me, lied there with her hair flowing out around her head; it reminded me of someone and I had a somber moment of days gone by.

Speaking of knees, well, I was a paragraph back. I just took my Glucosamine Chrondroitin, MSM, L-Lysine and gelation. Usually when I'm at GNC or Sam's I buy whatever product is good for bones and connective tissue. Don't ask my why I threw this in here now; I think because I am truly grateful for my many blessings and I want to take care of myself; of this special gift that I have. My sense of self and the ablility to push myself and attempt things many people would just say "I can't" to before they even try. So much is mental! You have to believe it before you can do it.

I'm telling you, you would not recognize Nicole Richy! Can you tell that the show is still on? It's amazing! Sorry, can't help it! She's an addictive person, I bet she does have "that thin disease".

My yogo class is meeting the evening before Thanksgiving too, I'm glad. On Thanksgiving, I have the Kirkwood Turkey 3miles run at 8:00AM; I'll hang around collect my medal and have lunch with my friends.

I think I'll run the half-marathon this spring: Clayton and the Spirit.


I have love, good health, I'm amazingly pain free. And, thank you god, injury free. I know that I am blessed and appreciate everything that I have. I know that I am fortunate to have the wisdom to know to exercise and take supplements and think positive thoughts. I feel blessed that I prefer to see the good in people. I lovemeeting people and finding out what makes them tick. They are all miracles of god; some touch my heart more than others. Some I meet, I never forget and take them with me throughout the day with my thoughts. I pray for them and wish them well!

Meeting people and seeing where they live is one of my most favorite things to do; I think because one goes with the other and together make a hold person. I'm amazed and sometimes envious of the education, knowledge and accomplishments of some. I believe we all have a purpose; I just don't know what mine is yet.

In my spirituality class we are using a book: "The Life You Were Born To Live" by Dan Millman. In it there is a Life Purpose System associated with the numbers of your birthday. Adding the numbers together I get 36 and then you add 3 plus 6 together to get 9. So, I'm a 9 and it means Integrity and Wisdom: In the positive I live in alignment with higher principles and lead by example. And the following is true too: In the negative, I would tend to lose sight of the higher purpse; feel lonely and cutoff; locked in the mind; out of touch with heart and intuitive guidance.

This sytem also looks at the individual numbers that make up the 9; the 6 and the 3. According to the guide: The high vision of 6 energy, the inherent dept and charisma of 9 energy, and the intuitive sensitivity of 3 energy give 36/9s an exceptional ability to understand hidden or inner wisdom. But most of all 36/9s are here to accept themselves and others, and to share their wisom; but, most of all they are here to align themselves with the spiritual laws revealed through the heart's intuition.(p 306)

Now this too discribes me: Many 9s live a life that looks enviable from the outside; but, inside there is longing for something that they cannot name. When 9s find their own center and become more secure they live with integrity and also allow others the space to live their own lives and follow their own truths. Life tends to become effortless, powerful, and meaningful and lead by inspiring example.

Well, I think I have gone on and one enough for one night! The End!

It's Cold

Damn it's cold out! 33 degrees and windy. I didn't run or bike today, I'm saving myself for Yoga at 7. Actually, I mean to go to the Y this afternoon but never made it. I went to sign up for the Kirkwood Turkey 3 miles run. I had to go to Webster Rec center 33 E. Glendale to register. It's done and I'm ready. The run starts at the Farmer's Market. T&J are planning on running it.

That run is probably going to be it for the day! I'm distanced, let's say, from the family. I'm fine with that. It got to be a bad thing and it's better not to pretend anymore; or be nasty. Just stay away.

The hardest part is my friend's reactions when I say, I'm not going; it's almost a shocked look! So, I try not to have to mention it; you know, avoid the issue if at all possible. But, why does everyone always ask?

Christmas is even going to be worse! Ugh, not looking forward to it! I just don't know how to handle the questions. Hey, I just don't do family. When I did I only spent about an hour there anywhere. As the years progressed the visiting time drew shorter and shorter.

Gotta, go have to walk my body guard, before Yoga.

I have several runs planned

What a beautiful rainy day! I can't believe I was out there running in this and loving it! It's 45 degrees. See, I want to remember all of this, in case it is raining April 9th when I run the half marathon; and if it is cool and raining, I can say to myself: "This is nothing, I've done it before!"

Well, I didn't set out to do it today again; but, I did anyway! I ran 13.1 miles in 2:18. After the sixth mile when I was leaving the park it began to rain; my feet were in water by the time I got home. It wasn't bad though; however, I was getting a little cool around the edges, but not bad! I had my cap on to keep the rain off my glasses; it works great!

Before I forget these our my planned runs: 11/24/2005 Three Mile (3 MILE) Turkey day run in Kirkwood; I think I'll do the Clayton Half Marathon, I think it's March 25 or 26th,(?) 2006; I am already signed up for the April 9th, Half Marathon (without the pasta dinner the night before). I think that's it for now.

I'm sitting in front of a fire now, burning incense and sipping hot green tea; getting all cozy. I think about her at times at this; actually I think about her a little every day. I would prefer special moments over a relationship! I like my own time and space, too!

Okay, back to the running. I did the same run today as I did last Monday in the exact same time, either that's weird or my GPS is a little off! Maybe I'm a little off? I wasn't planning on running that far today either, but I get out there and just keep going, I guess. I had to sit a little and eat yogurt in the park. So, I guess you could say I had at least a 9 minutes break (I need to stop this, break stuff). I took a restroom and yogurt break last week too; mainly, because I forgot to take my Accel Gel (chocolate caffeine protein/carbohydrate) packs with me. I was afraid I would run out of steam on the return trip and I think that I would have; as it was, I was just getting tired after 12.50 miles. It's that last half mile that is the toughest. I guess that's good in itself!

Next time, no matter how many miles I set out to run, I'm going to make sure I have at least two packs of my Accel Gel (protein (5 g) powered sports energy) along. The chocolate flavor is the only one with the caffeine. This stuff kicks ass! I buy my stash from www.nashbar.com it's a bicycle supply store and it's is the only place I have found where I can buy it. The fact that it contains protein attracted my attention;I like the 4:1 protein carb ratio. I think muscles need protein to recover during a run. Accel Gel is also a good source of potassium (50 mg). I couldn't run that far with out it!

Oh, another thing I couldn't run that much without my, extremely light, Nike 5.0 Free Barefoot running shoes. I get on line at www.finishline.com and print out the coupon ($10. off) and then go to the store at Crestwood Plaza to buy them. Normally, they are $80. without the coupon. I have a coupon already printed out that is good to the end of the month. I'm going to get a second pair tomorrow, I think.

Things that I like to have when I run in cool weather and rain are gloves and long close fitting pants. I think wearing close fitting pants (rather than nlyon sweats) may be better than loose; that way you don't have the cool pants legs flapping against your legs. Now, I really shouldn't say this, since I have not run in the rain in nylon sweat pants. I'm only imagining that loose fitting would feel cooler because they don't stay close to your legs, and cool air can get in between. But on the other hand, having compressed material around my knees does make my knees ache just a little, where they don't if I run in shorts. Well, after thirteen miles I think my knees ache just a little anyway.

I really truly dislike cotton; when it gets wet it gets heavy, hangs, and no air can circulate and it doesn't wick away moisture like the wick away/dry-fit materials. I did not feel wet out there today!

That is so important to me that I will repeat it! I did not feel wet out there today. I had on a double later (short & long) dry-fit top and long tights running/bicycling pants over my triathlon compression fit shorts and gloves and I was comfortable. I wrote all this down so I know what to wear at 7:00 Am on April 9th when it might be 45 degrees and raining. I want to be warm!

Speaking of warm; this laptop on my lap is feeling like a furnace and keeping me toasting warm. Between the laptop on my lap and this lite pole lamp over my head; I'm about to perspire profusely! I need to shed some clothes.I'm warm now, but, I guess one of these days, I'm gonna to have to turn my furnace on (it's been 70's in here so far). I hope my furnace works okay when I do. Well, it was checked out in June when I bought this place, but you know how that goes. It's electric, everything is electric. My electric bill has been very low! My place is small.

But, you know it's all personal preferrence. Personally, I'd rather live simple, cheap and cozy. Besides, I have already lived in a house with four bathrooms and that is entirely too many to clean. And they need to be cleaned if you use them or not.

See what running does to me: I can't shut up! I am experiencing a runner's high, I always do when I run this much! I only had 3 packs of that protein caffeine stuff. Oh, maybe that's it, rather than the run; I'd like to think the combination of both! And the pure fact that I can run that far, should be enough to get myself high!

That's another thing I need to mark down and that is what I ate before I ran 13.1 miles. Before I left home, I have one Quaker oatmeal square and two Accel Gel packs; that was good for 6 miles into the park, then I had the yogurt and had enough energy to run another 6.5 home. I had to run around my home up and down the street, by then in a hard rain, to make it 13.1 miles; I was at 12.5.

I took my Glucosamine Chrondroitin, Calcium, MSM, L-lysine when I got home too. I take all I can find at Sam's that is good for bone and connective tissue. Every little bit helps. I would like to lose a little weight too; we'll see! Maybe my pace would increase a little.

Well, I had my exercise for the day - it's the couch for me now. I am going to read "God's Politics" by Jim Wallis. A friend of my read it and said it was good. The moral of the story: The Democrats need to be organized!

Let's see what else can I go on about before I close. Oh I know, safety on the streets. I almost got hit today! It scared the shit out of me for a second! I had no idea the car was even running! I did not hear it because of the rain on the leaves and a truck passing by; but then the car began to back up. I did not see brake lights are white reverse lights! I was near the end of the car and there was about a foot between me and it, when it began to move. One big step and I was out of the way! I don't think the driver saw me (aren't you supposed to have your arm on the back of the front seat and turning your head around so as to see where you are backing?)

Anyway, I thanked God. If he would have hit me from the side like that my knees would have been gone. I mean gone! His bumper level was knee level to me. Thank you God! Knees gone, hell! That guys didn't see me; he probably would have ran over my head after he knocked me down as well! Anyway, I survived another day on the streets.

Which brings me onto another subject. Wait while I take off this long sleeve t-shirt I have on. It's warm in here!

Spirituality, One soul many bodies, that's a name of a book, I'm sure I have around here some where amongst the stacks. Well, I believe in reincaration as I'm sure many people do. Next time I'm coming back as a guilt free, liberal, non-catholic lesbian to the most loving and affectionate mother in the world!

Besides haveing a warm loving family to encourage and nurture me maybe I'll grow up to be a doctor. Gee, I wonder just how much money they'll be making by then after paying high insurance premiums and education bills. Oh well, it's not about the money anyway, is it? It's about life, loving, and spirituality.

For the next four Tuesday evenings, I will be attending a sprituality class; You see I'm trying to figure out my purpose in life; maybe I don't have one, this time around? I here for fun? Yes, it's that "what's my purpose" thing. Also, I'm trying to figure out why I love the way I love and why is it for keeps? I think I know the answer to that one already.

Okay, I'll tell you - I think it's because I love the heart of the person; it's all there in the eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul.

Now ponder that though, while I stop for now and take my bodyguard for a walk!

Yo, Don't Do Relationships!

I'm a free spirit and I certainly do not want a relationship; but getting together once in a while, just us, would be super. Something to ponder? I'm perfectly happy in my own space and doing what I want to do most of the time. I'm so independent that there is only room for occasional dating!

Comfy and Cozy

I'm sitting here all comfortable in my lounging clothes with my feet propped up. I'm sipping green tea and smelling patchouli incense. I just snacked on raw vegetables and baked sweet potato as I watch CNN "Inside North" and Listening the author of "Joyful Mind": A Practical Guide to Buddish Mediatation. Which can improve health. The book is by Susan Piver. I'll have to get it! I'm into health, you know! I even joined a yoga class, right in my neighborhood last Wednesday and I'm hooked.

"Inside Communist North Korea" depicts inhuman conditions where people are starving because the wealthy get the food. If anyone is caught stealing food they are brutally punished by beatings right on the spot. Dead people lying in the street is a common sight. And that country produced nuclear weapons; although they have claimed to stop producing them. Why are we not there? In my opinion only: Perhaps we are not there because there is no oil, only nuclear weapons!

Take a deep breath! I'm glad I opted to stay at home this evening. I'm enjoying my own space. I rearranged my living room (therefore rearranged my whole condo) and I'm enjoying it. If it wasn't already seventy-five degrees in here I would start a fire in the fireplace. Wow, you can't beat this mild weather though, it sure saves on the electric bill. Last month my bill was $45.00. Yes!

It's 6:00 PM on a Saturday evening and all is well.

Think I'm staying home this evening

I don't know! I think I just talked myself out of going to the pasta dinner this evening! Because, everyone will be eating quickly and then going to the dance. It's big band and I think I won't have someone to dance with anyway. So, I'm bailing! Emma and I will watch movies instead, at home.

I guess I should let someone know that I'm not going! I'll email Sandra and Martha. I'll tell'em I changed my mind.

Yeah, I think I'll pass!

Funny, I just spent over an hour trying on every bit of nice clothing that I own. I did settle on one outfit, then I got out of the mood. I guess that is farily typical for me!

Hey! Out my patio window, I see two gay guys (I'm assuming, of course) walking a little dog! Cool! I always see two women walking a dog too around here. I know they are gay! Well, they spoke to me, their gaydar must have gone off. They have a Wheaten Terrier like the one I see at Mokabe's all the time.

Okay, I guess I'll eat something now. Life is a little strange, when you are single again; actually, I like it. I don't do relationships very good.

It use to be that the mystery of it all got me to venture out and join in social events. Now, I pretty much know what to expect anyway. So, what the heck. I'll pass!

Frontrunners was good this morning! We talked about the up and coming Progressive Dinner. John is heading it up; and passed out maps and locations and phone numbers. I wonder what ever happened to that one person that used to always come to Frontrunners? Hmm!

Yeah, I've decided, I'm passing on this evening.

I love it!

Geena Davis of Commander in Chief attended the global business women's meeting and was interviewed. By the way she is even cooler out of character! Really Cool!

It seems per Geena Davis and others attending the meeting that women only make 77c of the dollar compared to her male counterparts. Yes, the glass ceiling remains in tack after all these years. Geena says it's time again for a bra burning women's revolution - go Geena!

Just now on CNN Pat Lamana, a jounalist, was visibly irate! And I mean irate! at the fact that two NFL cheerleaders lost, their jobs before even getting a court hearing was outragous to her. One of the two cheerleaders is sporting a bad eye after the other cheerleader punched in the eye. It seems that they were in the restroom, in the stall, having sex? Anyway, they got into a fight and the blonde got the black eye. They were immediately dismissed of their jobs.

A double standard? You damn right? Oh, the men in the suits say: " Well, they are not union!They should up hold the moral standards that are listed in their contract." I think what he meant was: "Come on let's face it, women cheerleaders are a dime a dozen and easily replaced; a big time star football player is hard to come by."

Bull shit I say! Half the time the professional players are whinning and crying and sitting on the bench or getting drunk, drugged, driving wreckless and injuring or killing other motorist. A crime in St. Louis with Mr. Little comes to mind and he is still playing and has since been pulled over for a DWI again. Double Standard I do believe!

I'll join the cause, I would love too. I could easily surface a little of depressed frustration regarding double standards in our society. I just think the women of today may be a little more ready to "not take it anymore" and demand more.

Look out Phyllis Schaffely's of America

Things that get under my skin

Why, oh tell me why some commericals on cable get blasted? It's rude! It makes me want to email the cable company and tell them that I will never buy anything from that company because of the rude blaring sounds of the audio-up commericals.

It doesn't make sense that I have to constantly be adjusting the volume, so as not to disturb my neighbors. It's just blame rude to think that the cable company is trying to jam this products down my throat. Personally, I take offense and I know others who do to.

It funny how sounds affect me! The music is so good at Sports Authority that I buy and buy and buy. I also think that they use slimming mirrors in the dressing rooms too, but that another entry on another day.

Anyway, the other day, I was grooving to the music and took my arm load to the register and put 294.00 on my credit card. I then spent the rest of the day and next trying to justify my purchases. $70. for a sweat suit jacket; yes, just the jacket alone. I think the pants were $40. I had grabbed a cool orange nylon air vents wick away material jacket complete with reflecting ribbing and lots of little zippered departments. I bought the orange cap too. So cool! I looked so cool in it and the sweatsuit. Maybe I'm just build a way that expensive things just looks better on me. I had thrown some cool long black silky like material sweat pants on my arm too. I looked good in them too! I was jiving to the music and grabbing one article of clothing after another. I felt so cool after my yoga class. I was ready for the big run!

Well, today, after angonizing about it all evening and morning I put the stuff back in the bag and promptly took it all back. Every last piece of it. I feel so good now! I figure I'll just treat myself next week to another pair of the good running shoes I have. I have a coupon too and will save $10.

So, I think I did good; I almost had that cigarette lite and smoked but I put it back in the pack! Yeah, I did good!

Okay! Question: Why do some men stomp up steps? Just wondering? Funny how you don't hear gentle loving women climb stairs? Am I prejudice? I think so! Or are some men just plain anoying?

In another time, I had "Blaming Door Bob" to listen too and watch as my pictures got crooked on the wall, then eventually fall off!

Got to go walk Emma now. Yesterday I took her for a ride in the car; she did good like she always does. Today, I was just going to drive up to the store and return my stuff and be right back. I left in a hurry before I changed my mind about returning the stuff. When I got back all of within twenty minutes. I heard her still crying. When I got inside I found that she must have tripped on my printer cord for that was on the floor and I notice some trash on the kitchen floor; yes, all within twenty minutes. Bad Girl! I let her get away with a lot because she is sweet and she is old. I didn't even get madd when she left me a huge messy, and I mean messy, pile on my livingroom carpet a couple of weeks. I just cleaned, cleaned and cleaned until I was afraid there wouldn't be any fabric left to the carpet.

Aristotle :Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

What I bring to the table of love - dirty dishes. Don't we all! And no one wants to clean up afterwards either!

It's amazing how in a short time items are transported to the other location. A lot got poured into the relationship, alot in a short time!

We bring dirty dishes that later get broken and pieces left lying. They would bleed if they could.

Pieces break and heart hurts. After a while we don't even know what made the dish fall. Who knocked it off?

Both pieces are only capable of caring - from a distance. It got to be too much? We knew we were locked in; someone said something hurtful?

And now the dishes lay broken, in pieces.

Relationships are too hard; the emotions too hard to deal with! Hearts caught in throats and the words just won't come out. One more afraid then the other to cause more pain. Hearts aching for just a moment of the loving times; just aching to feel the warmth of love.

It's easier to walk way; it takes so much energy and problem solving skills - can't do it! It's too scary - don't want to hurt anymore.

Heads think one way and hearts feels on their own, I'm afraid! Just leave the pieces lie - I'll pick them up later. Maybe we can pick the pieces up together, that's good china you know, and it's priceless!

Nice Person That I Am

I'm giving my ex a lift to the airport tomorrow morning so she can catch a flight to Florida to visit her lover. On Monday, I'll pick her up. Oh, it's nothing, I'm just nice that way!

I'm glad we remain friends after a fifteen year relationship that I broke up. I am so glad that we are still friends. Actually, she is quite happy and is making many friends. Not long ago she thanked me for leaving her; she said I did her a favor. See, she was unhappy too!

When we split I felt that there was something bigger than both of us going on. I felt we needed to part and go on our separate paths; that the time we needed to be together had come to an end.

I'm glad we remain friends. In a way she keeps me grounded just knowing that she is there, in my life. I felt that there was something else that I had to do in life. I had to be there for someone else; I didn't know who at the time! But, the universe was pulling me away.

She was too family orientated and I needed to break away from mine. I had too, I had been to several therapist and written numerous jounals all about my evil mother. The Catholic guilt and social upbringing kept in there. Last fall, I knew I had to break free and leave!

An Angel came down and touched my heart; she was speicial love. She showed me loved and set me on the right path. She was catalyst to change; the change I needed to begin that fall of 2004.

There is something that happens to you when you have time to think about things and soon your feelings change. Before you know it, you'll whole life has changed. Events occurred that changed my life from pushing away loves, families and even moving to another state and falling in love.

I moved and didn't tell my family none of them. And then, I was surprised at how confident I felt about myself to approach this person and tell her how I cared about her. I was truly surprised. I think the universe was and still is guiding me on this journey especially as the holidays approach.

All I ask is that the universe continues to help me. Just stick with me guides; I'm counting on you.

Whiner!

I have just read and re-read my journal entries. God, what a whiner! Am I going to die one day and look back on my life, and like those journals I have written (all 14 of them or more), see nothing but complaining and whinning on my part! I could have been writting a novel, becoming a doctor for all the time I have wasted. I did nothing but complain, and mostly about my mother!

Look at all the energy and time I wasted! And for what? I could have been doing something creative. No one is worth that much time and thought, no one!

What a Great Group of Women

There is nothing that can compare to great discussion! Some people have the talent to extract provoking thoughts from people. Carol did a great job of getting everyone thinking. The subject of relationships always bring about great discussion; we can all relate or not relate in Carol's case.

As I drove home I went over the topics of the evening, I wondered why the "L" word wasn't brought up more? The love word, not the Showtime series.

We had discussed meeting people, dating, sex (mostly sex) and coping with our lover's idiosyncrasies. It was suggested that ,"You never really know people even when you live with them" and I think that is true; but, that is where feeling of love plays a big part.

Love is a wonderful thing; having the feeling allows us to think wonderful things about another person. And there is nothing wrong with that? We all create our own realities, it's what we do! Love makes us think that the other is beautiful, perfect and does things that are so cute!

Perhaps, we could consider love to be a coping mechanism! But, more than that; love is a wonderful warm feeling in your heart that skips a little beat when you see her. It allows you hang onto her every word because you want to learn all you can about her. You think her thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams are the most important things in the world. Love makes you proud and want to be with her through anything life puts on her. You are there for her and would do just about anything for her. If she falls, fails, cries and hurts you are there to hold her, sympathize, understand and want to make it better. You have her best interest at heart! This to me is "loving"!

You know you are in love, when you think about her a lot. Maybe not so much at work, but when your mind has time to be free from the chores of the day, she is on it. And when you think of her it warms and makes you want to hold her close; and then the feelings become so strong, and you want to make love to her. You want to celebrate with love this wonderful human being.

Love is when she gets mad at you because you messed up or went against her wishes and lets you know it, but you still love her. You don't get mad back; you just understand her better, and love her more, because you do understand her better, now. Sometimes, it takes several mess up's to get the message, you don't really mean to keep messing up, it just happens.

You know it's love, when through all the moods changes and little disagreements and heated discussions, you still feel love for her. She becomes more precious to you because you see she is "real" and has feelings and opinions. And through it all you respect the soul, the very heart, of her and all she stands for. You respect what she goes through just coping and living life, on a daily basis.

Life is precious and love is a gift. To truly feel love for another is a priceless gift, because not everyone can allow themselves to be free enough and feel those feelings of love. I am so glad that I have that wonderful capacity to love like this! I wouldn't trade it for anything; it's celebrating the gift of life of one of God's creations. Because each and everyone one of us is unique and truly wonderful in their own way. No, love is not blind, it's looking into her soul and pulling out all the good in her and choosing to see it.

Love is also accepting she can't love you like you love her. Sometimes love means letting go and it hurts like hell! But, you're not going to hurt, if you didn't truly really love. After all that is said and none, I wouldn't trade the gift of loving for anything and with me the feeling just sticks for a long time. My therapist says: "There you go again loving from a distance." Hmm, maybe it 's safe place?

Odd, I don't every expect anyone to love me like this! Maybe I am a little weird and delusional. It's probably good that I am in therapy!
I don't only have love like that for "that special person". I pretty much just have fondness for all my friends.

All of this makes my therapist wonder why I don't speak to my family, and why I have no desire to see them? Me too! I'm so afraid they are going to come knocking on my door and demand intervention! I just want them to go away and leave me alone; just like I felt when I was a kid! I hate that damn catholic guilt thing. God, I wish it was January!