I ran around the park this morning...it was tough in the high humidity. I sat and had a sandwich at the visitor's center. I wrote in my journals, about life, my past, my loves...even though I'm ancient history..my heart beats on with the memories.
Loving hearts, giving hearts, and love is on the way -
I need the breeze. Sometimes, after running, I can't stand to be inside in the dark, soundless absence of chirping birds but filled with refrigerated air. I wish we could set the temperature of the air that is being pumped into the home. I do not like icy cold air blowing down on me.
I was just about to steal electricity and their wireless net when a storm fast approaches and just about blew me home. I opened the windows and sang with the oldies and it began to rain. Such happy music! Maybe I do need to get a two seat-er sports car next time around. I would put my bike on it too.
I have no idea what I will do or be like when I'm 60....but I know I'll feel like 40. I have a plan. and like so many others plans, I hope to be fit and wonderful at 60.. I may have to buy a sports car for that birthday. You think I'm crazy now...wait till then!
The kayak is pretty much a forgotten device.. oh except for one ocassion. I wonder if LSL still uses hers. I hope she is okay. I'm sure she is. I just miss her some!
I'm done ....and off to bed. Yoga was excellent this evening. I walked to get a few fruit and a salad to eat. I love living here. I am so close to everything, my friends, and people who live here are middle class and drive nice cars.
Gotta go now.. can't keep my eyes open.. I'm listening to soundspaces via cable. I wish I could leave it on, but I may have something about to connect and record soon so it would change channels. Bummer. Great yoga, must have been, I always sleep good on yoga nights. I miss you D, take care of yourself. If ever I see you I'm going to hold you... it's been too long.. I need to now.
I am so close to everything and people are middle class and friendly and drive nice cars.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Can't change DNA?
Who says you can't change DNA? I just read an article in the paper from New Scientist Magazine "Men inherit hidden cost of dad's vices"
According to this article smoking in early life may influence the health of men's sons and grandsons. This is an inherited effect due to the subtle chemical changes to the DNA caused by a young man's smoking.
Makes sense to me...it's like the survival of the fitest..per Darwin's theory. If we mess up our genes, then we past them on to future generations. Especially, if young men or woman abuse their bodies during puberty by smoking at a very early age when the body is especially sensitive to environment stress.
A study that was conducted suggested that men who smoked very early on, around age 9 had sons who were significantly fatter than average. There were no similar effect for daughters.
Go girls! But, maybe that is a whole other story involving the smoking habits of mothers, even before they become pregnant?
According to this article smoking in early life may influence the health of men's sons and grandsons. This is an inherited effect due to the subtle chemical changes to the DNA caused by a young man's smoking.
Makes sense to me...it's like the survival of the fitest..per Darwin's theory. If we mess up our genes, then we past them on to future generations. Especially, if young men or woman abuse their bodies during puberty by smoking at a very early age when the body is especially sensitive to environment stress.
A study that was conducted suggested that men who smoked very early on, around age 9 had sons who were significantly fatter than average. There were no similar effect for daughters.
Go girls! But, maybe that is a whole other story involving the smoking habits of mothers, even before they become pregnant?
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Looking at the big picture..
do I dare?
Now I ask you what two men could be more credible than Ron Howard and Tom Hanks. The John Wayne's of the 21st century. So wouldn't you believe the "greatest cover-up of human-kind?"
Well, it makes me wonder what did Jesus really preach (was there even a Jesus?), was he Mary Magdelin's mentor and job counselor who was grooming and getting "her" ready to run the church? And the male apostles objected and so hide the truth and rewrote things in their favor.
Not only women, but men have been manipulated through the history of human kind. If women had all the power would they be just as brutal as the men have been?
I can hardly open up and page through this week's Time magazine without getting extremely depressed. Enron and Tom Delay and Schilling..robbing innocent people of their retirement pensions. Men looting and raping poor women. Why are these men so angry and full of hate? Why? What's the point of raping these women, so they can have babies that die anyway of disease and mal-nourishment? I don't understand the hate. If women were in power would they brutalize and order the raping of women?
Maybe it was a huge mistake to have hidden the secret powers of Mary Magdelin. And what, now I'm making this up; what if she did have secret powers? Were these men afraid all women would be powerful? I don't get it; but whatever it was man were sure afraid of women; so afraid that the biggest cover-up in the history of all human kind took place. The church hide the truth for centuries, why?
Men dominated other men and women and children had no rights what-so-ever until probably forty years ago. Children had no allies. The church taught that children were born evil and the devil had to be beaten out of them. Control everything is about control! Control!
Why? We can't just all live together peacefully? Well, I'm nothing but a "stupid" women so how can I understand that. When I was growing up, all women were considered second class citizens and stupid and had to have a husband..are you were nothing. I learned this in the 1950's when I was very young. Life was hell and I was a lesbian. Sounds like a great title for a book..maybe my memoirs.
I can't stand to read the paper either..and read about a 26 year old guy try to murder a seventeen year old by abucting her, trying to shoke her and putting her head in a head lock and snapping her neck. The guy is a part time professtional wrestler..so I think he knew what he was doing! The defense attorney got the judge to lower his bond and he is out on house arrest and has already contacted an 18 year olf girl on the interent. She was stupid enough to drive to his house and visit this guy.
Reading the news is beginning to upset me.
The Marines are going nuts and killing innocent people...that should mak'em feel better...women and children of course! Oh, and the government was going to keep quiet about it, until Rep John Matrer from PA (D) decided to come forth. This atrocity took place in November, 05.
Are people just nuts with no honor, pride, integrity.
Integrity....now there is a word you never hear about anymore; because no on pocesses it. The word people is integrity.
Honor....Bush he has honor! Don't make me laugh. Why are we not helping those poor people in the Congo? Oh no oil there!
Men are in their own little world, I can tell you that, I drive next to them and see them on the trails. Slow and always in their own world. Simple minded - one tracked pupets who have to be lead. So, anyone who steps up to the plate with the biggest mouth gets a following. Because it's easier to follow then think for yourself.
Same with the ride this evening, the not so good looking follow the good looking - amazing!
Oh, and I'm so grateful that these intelligent, powerful, idiot men.....things without brains should not have positions of power. Just look at the mess the world is in? Murders, raping, killings, wars...endless war and blood shed (a woman must have to be out of her mind to tangle up in this mess and work for the news or military - don't do it).
Oh yes, men are the brighter of the species! Yeah right! Would women leaders be this ficious, cruel and just down right sick? Murder, rape, kill, kill, kill, kill.
If we don't understand it, let's kill it? These men are fucked? Oh yes, and woman are secondary because they are stupid! Let me tell you, women could not possibly do a worse job then these men have done...oh but the news never mentions that!
Okay, I take that back. Now long ago there was an article titled "women will come along and clean up the messes men have made." Just like at home on a smaller scale on a daily basis...momma has to come along and clean up the messes the boys have made.....
Men are such losers, oh but they must be leaders.. and always drive the car! And always preach! And lead...dumber than dirt but they're leading the world.....a fine job...yeah right? Bush? Can this man read and write?
Before Title Nine, women were told they were too weak, or too brainless to go to college; they should marry and have babies. In other words that is all they were good for! Again, men tell lies to control because they are insecure I guess. Personally, I don't get the brutality?
People you have been made a fool of? Women had to fight for every right they ever received.. men automatically acquired rights through "birth" rights. Such crap and history books are full of it!
So, naturally, I believe in the story told in the "Da Vinci Code". Just another jab in the gut!
And the American auto makers how dumb are they? In the time of an oil crunch, they are building, and I mean building, super-sized SUV's and trucks. And once more people are living in a dream world and are stupid enough to buy them. They are gas guzzling killing machines. No ordinary city person needs such a huge machine it's ridiculous. But for some reason, bigger is better. Poor men, I always thought their brains were in their pants?
Have you ever tried to back out of a parking space when parked next to one of this gigantic huge SUV's? You can't see through them and you certainly can't see around them. The stupid asses tinited the windows yet. You know what I think? I am beginning to theink that the auto makers are in cohoots with the petroleum and insurance companies. I about got hit twice before I could back out. And if the first "guy" was even the lease bit bright, he would have waited and held back traffic so I could pull out. But, like I said, men need to be told every thing and then they memorize that action.. sometimes I think they have no idea why.
Okay, I'm finished spouting off for the evening...but looking at the big picture, just makes me wonder.
Men always hide blunders.. and god knows they commit enough of them. It's just totally amazing to me. But, yet they have to make the biggest salary, put up glass ceilings, go to the moon first (did you know six women faird much bettern than men in the 60's while testing for moon travel - men were not going to give up the glory to no stupid women.) Hence, rest my case...... I believe the Da Vinci code theory.
It's common sense......or intuition.... oh, a women thing!
If I sound bitter it's because I am...I have been abused and victimized by this male dominated society - all my life! I want the future women of America to take a stand and make a difference and declare that they are not taking it any more. Drive the car! Crack that glass ceiling of the corporate world...put some integrity back into government and business. Show some pride! Make me proud!
Make me proud and make my day!
Now I ask you what two men could be more credible than Ron Howard and Tom Hanks. The John Wayne's of the 21st century. So wouldn't you believe the "greatest cover-up of human-kind?"
Well, it makes me wonder what did Jesus really preach (was there even a Jesus?), was he Mary Magdelin's mentor and job counselor who was grooming and getting "her" ready to run the church? And the male apostles objected and so hide the truth and rewrote things in their favor.
Not only women, but men have been manipulated through the history of human kind. If women had all the power would they be just as brutal as the men have been?
I can hardly open up and page through this week's Time magazine without getting extremely depressed. Enron and Tom Delay and Schilling..robbing innocent people of their retirement pensions. Men looting and raping poor women. Why are these men so angry and full of hate? Why? What's the point of raping these women, so they can have babies that die anyway of disease and mal-nourishment? I don't understand the hate. If women were in power would they brutalize and order the raping of women?
Maybe it was a huge mistake to have hidden the secret powers of Mary Magdelin. And what, now I'm making this up; what if she did have secret powers? Were these men afraid all women would be powerful? I don't get it; but whatever it was man were sure afraid of women; so afraid that the biggest cover-up in the history of all human kind took place. The church hide the truth for centuries, why?
Men dominated other men and women and children had no rights what-so-ever until probably forty years ago. Children had no allies. The church taught that children were born evil and the devil had to be beaten out of them. Control everything is about control! Control!
Why? We can't just all live together peacefully? Well, I'm nothing but a "stupid" women so how can I understand that. When I was growing up, all women were considered second class citizens and stupid and had to have a husband..are you were nothing. I learned this in the 1950's when I was very young. Life was hell and I was a lesbian. Sounds like a great title for a book..maybe my memoirs.
I can't stand to read the paper either..and read about a 26 year old guy try to murder a seventeen year old by abucting her, trying to shoke her and putting her head in a head lock and snapping her neck. The guy is a part time professtional wrestler..so I think he knew what he was doing! The defense attorney got the judge to lower his bond and he is out on house arrest and has already contacted an 18 year olf girl on the interent. She was stupid enough to drive to his house and visit this guy.
Reading the news is beginning to upset me.
The Marines are going nuts and killing innocent people...that should mak'em feel better...women and children of course! Oh, and the government was going to keep quiet about it, until Rep John Matrer from PA (D) decided to come forth. This atrocity took place in November, 05.
Are people just nuts with no honor, pride, integrity.
Integrity....now there is a word you never hear about anymore; because no on pocesses it. The word people is integrity.
Honor....Bush he has honor! Don't make me laugh. Why are we not helping those poor people in the Congo? Oh no oil there!
Men are in their own little world, I can tell you that, I drive next to them and see them on the trails. Slow and always in their own world. Simple minded - one tracked pupets who have to be lead. So, anyone who steps up to the plate with the biggest mouth gets a following. Because it's easier to follow then think for yourself.
Same with the ride this evening, the not so good looking follow the good looking - amazing!
Oh, and I'm so grateful that these intelligent, powerful, idiot men.....things without brains should not have positions of power. Just look at the mess the world is in? Murders, raping, killings, wars...endless war and blood shed (a woman must have to be out of her mind to tangle up in this mess and work for the news or military - don't do it).
Oh yes, men are the brighter of the species! Yeah right! Would women leaders be this ficious, cruel and just down right sick? Murder, rape, kill, kill, kill, kill.
If we don't understand it, let's kill it? These men are fucked? Oh yes, and woman are secondary because they are stupid! Let me tell you, women could not possibly do a worse job then these men have done...oh but the news never mentions that!
Okay, I take that back. Now long ago there was an article titled "women will come along and clean up the messes men have made." Just like at home on a smaller scale on a daily basis...momma has to come along and clean up the messes the boys have made.....
Men are such losers, oh but they must be leaders.. and always drive the car! And always preach! And lead...dumber than dirt but they're leading the world.....a fine job...yeah right? Bush? Can this man read and write?
Before Title Nine, women were told they were too weak, or too brainless to go to college; they should marry and have babies. In other words that is all they were good for! Again, men tell lies to control because they are insecure I guess. Personally, I don't get the brutality?
People you have been made a fool of? Women had to fight for every right they ever received.. men automatically acquired rights through "birth" rights. Such crap and history books are full of it!
So, naturally, I believe in the story told in the "Da Vinci Code". Just another jab in the gut!
And the American auto makers how dumb are they? In the time of an oil crunch, they are building, and I mean building, super-sized SUV's and trucks. And once more people are living in a dream world and are stupid enough to buy them. They are gas guzzling killing machines. No ordinary city person needs such a huge machine it's ridiculous. But for some reason, bigger is better. Poor men, I always thought their brains were in their pants?
Have you ever tried to back out of a parking space when parked next to one of this gigantic huge SUV's? You can't see through them and you certainly can't see around them. The stupid asses tinited the windows yet. You know what I think? I am beginning to theink that the auto makers are in cohoots with the petroleum and insurance companies. I about got hit twice before I could back out. And if the first "guy" was even the lease bit bright, he would have waited and held back traffic so I could pull out. But, like I said, men need to be told every thing and then they memorize that action.. sometimes I think they have no idea why.
Okay, I'm finished spouting off for the evening...but looking at the big picture, just makes me wonder.
Men always hide blunders.. and god knows they commit enough of them. It's just totally amazing to me. But, yet they have to make the biggest salary, put up glass ceilings, go to the moon first (did you know six women faird much bettern than men in the 60's while testing for moon travel - men were not going to give up the glory to no stupid women.) Hence, rest my case...... I believe the Da Vinci code theory.
It's common sense......or intuition.... oh, a women thing!
If I sound bitter it's because I am...I have been abused and victimized by this male dominated society - all my life! I want the future women of America to take a stand and make a difference and declare that they are not taking it any more. Drive the car! Crack that glass ceiling of the corporate world...put some integrity back into government and business. Show some pride! Make me proud!
Make me proud and make my day!
The Crank Spinning Idlly
It's a nice group and is growing or will grow in size. Beware, if everyone has one, you will feel forced to buy the 60 plus jersey everyone will be wearing as soon as they get enough to fill an order.
However, they did a fine job of making us feel welcomed. May not be my cup of tea....but then again.
The ice cream was great!
Now, I am pooped. I was up at 5:50 A.M. Don't ask? Walked with a friend had very early lunch and then went to yoga.
The ride this evening was quick and challenging..which is good. A good workout! Although caution was necessary on the trails which wound through concrete and steel pole barriers.
Can't keep my eyes open...
Namaste!
However, they did a fine job of making us feel welcomed. May not be my cup of tea....but then again.
The ice cream was great!
Now, I am pooped. I was up at 5:50 A.M. Don't ask? Walked with a friend had very early lunch and then went to yoga.
The ride this evening was quick and challenging..which is good. A good workout! Although caution was necessary on the trails which wound through concrete and steel pole barriers.
Can't keep my eyes open...
Namaste!
Having Fun!
Yes, I am having fun! And the more that I am around people (who are not) the more I realize just what a bonus to myself I truly am.
Hey, I love myself. If something is wrong in my life I fix it or move around from it. Or, continue to love her in my own treasured memories. I hold no ill feeling toward anyone.
There is no reason to have ill feelings. Sometimes, what seems as a lost, can actually be a blessing we are not yet aware of.
I am capable of loving and that is a blessing in itself. I do not waddle in pain, misery or despair as so many do. I believe that if I am unhappy, then it's time to move on....okay, okay, so it took me a few years to come to that point. I admit, for the longest time I guess I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was. It wasn't all her fault; it was me, I was changing...growing, I hope. To bad I wasted the time for all involved and for that I am sorry - for all concerned.
I sure hope that the people I was surrounded with, inappropriately call "family" have forgotten me. I am gone! Color me gone! Please! I am having fun...they were absolutely miserable in their own skin and tried to drag me down there with them.....thank god I got out.
Better late than never. Sometimes I wonder if that is half the reason why people get sick; is it there only means of signaling attention, getting what they think or their needs met. Is getting sick a means of gaining power and control in a miserable situation? It an adult's way of "acting out" I guess. Well maybe? We all handle to ordeals of life differently.
Sometimes I wonder why we, as heavenly spirits are visiting here on earth, lifetime after life time...what are we trying to learn? Is it to learn to love ourselves and others. If that's it, then I'm done.. I've learned my lesson. Oh, I get it. I guess I am supposed to teach other's now through example.
But, you know what, people are so swallow, or lost in themselves that they don't even begin to get the message of life. They certainly do not see the whole picture.
I think it's amazing. I walked with my friend this morning who is really stuff in a losing relationship. They merely occuply the same residence and one is not holding up to her share of the bargin. Entitlement is an amazing thing to me. Just exactly where does that come from? Divorced parents trying to make amends?
People are amazing...I hope that I am gaining knowledge and wisdom while I am here this trip around and that I am becoming a better human being.
I visited with a somewhat negative friend this morning. What ever I suggested as a way of activity and recreation, she didn't like, or couldn't do.
Me? Do even suggest that I can't handle something to not be able to do something. Most people automatically put themselves in another place. Why? We are all unique and wonderful.. I repeat....souls (spirits) visiting here on earth. And yes, I believe firmly, that yes you will keep coming back until to get it right. Sometimes, I wonder if that is why some people no matter how young see wise and old and are very intelligent. Maybe they have been here a few times before?
Amyway, maybe it's not my job to understand every other waking heart; maybe it is just my job to understand my own. I do love meeting people and connecting with with me...some just naturally more than others.
I appreciate so much in life...could it be my age? I must say that I love the skimpliness of summer dressing. Hey, I'm looking as long as my eyes can see. And I dreaming too. I am very sexual and sensual. Did I mention I look good?
Yes, working out at some sort of exercise everyday does truly pay off: yoga, running, bicycling..I need to get to the pool too. Maybe tomorrow!
Yes, I am having fun! I have no complaints and I thank the universe for my happiness and my own heart. I thank the people who are in my life are who have past through my life as teachers and lovers. I can see them now... mental images of them.
I am too surrounded by a family of friends. I am healthy, safe ( I hope, please continue to protect me on the streets and healthwise - thank you) and most of all happy. But, more than that I am grateful that I do realize the blessings in my life. Realizing and being thankful are key to happiness.
I have put people in places where I have needed them.. the power lies within each and every one of us....the church would rather we not know that....because we would have no need for them then. Namaste!
Hey, I love myself. If something is wrong in my life I fix it or move around from it. Or, continue to love her in my own treasured memories. I hold no ill feeling toward anyone.
There is no reason to have ill feelings. Sometimes, what seems as a lost, can actually be a blessing we are not yet aware of.
I am capable of loving and that is a blessing in itself. I do not waddle in pain, misery or despair as so many do. I believe that if I am unhappy, then it's time to move on....okay, okay, so it took me a few years to come to that point. I admit, for the longest time I guess I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was. It wasn't all her fault; it was me, I was changing...growing, I hope. To bad I wasted the time for all involved and for that I am sorry - for all concerned.
I sure hope that the people I was surrounded with, inappropriately call "family" have forgotten me. I am gone! Color me gone! Please! I am having fun...they were absolutely miserable in their own skin and tried to drag me down there with them.....thank god I got out.
Better late than never. Sometimes I wonder if that is half the reason why people get sick; is it there only means of signaling attention, getting what they think or their needs met. Is getting sick a means of gaining power and control in a miserable situation? It an adult's way of "acting out" I guess. Well maybe? We all handle to ordeals of life differently.
Sometimes I wonder why we, as heavenly spirits are visiting here on earth, lifetime after life time...what are we trying to learn? Is it to learn to love ourselves and others. If that's it, then I'm done.. I've learned my lesson. Oh, I get it. I guess I am supposed to teach other's now through example.
But, you know what, people are so swallow, or lost in themselves that they don't even begin to get the message of life. They certainly do not see the whole picture.
I think it's amazing. I walked with my friend this morning who is really stuff in a losing relationship. They merely occuply the same residence and one is not holding up to her share of the bargin. Entitlement is an amazing thing to me. Just exactly where does that come from? Divorced parents trying to make amends?
People are amazing...I hope that I am gaining knowledge and wisdom while I am here this trip around and that I am becoming a better human being.
I visited with a somewhat negative friend this morning. What ever I suggested as a way of activity and recreation, she didn't like, or couldn't do.
Me? Do even suggest that I can't handle something to not be able to do something. Most people automatically put themselves in another place. Why? We are all unique and wonderful.. I repeat....souls (spirits) visiting here on earth. And yes, I believe firmly, that yes you will keep coming back until to get it right. Sometimes, I wonder if that is why some people no matter how young see wise and old and are very intelligent. Maybe they have been here a few times before?
Amyway, maybe it's not my job to understand every other waking heart; maybe it is just my job to understand my own. I do love meeting people and connecting with with me...some just naturally more than others.
I appreciate so much in life...could it be my age? I must say that I love the skimpliness of summer dressing. Hey, I'm looking as long as my eyes can see. And I dreaming too. I am very sexual and sensual. Did I mention I look good?
Yes, working out at some sort of exercise everyday does truly pay off: yoga, running, bicycling..I need to get to the pool too. Maybe tomorrow!
Yes, I am having fun! I have no complaints and I thank the universe for my happiness and my own heart. I thank the people who are in my life are who have past through my life as teachers and lovers. I can see them now... mental images of them.
I am too surrounded by a family of friends. I am healthy, safe ( I hope, please continue to protect me on the streets and healthwise - thank you) and most of all happy. But, more than that I am grateful that I do realize the blessings in my life. Realizing and being thankful are key to happiness.
I have put people in places where I have needed them.. the power lies within each and every one of us....the church would rather we not know that....because we would have no need for them then. Namaste!
Monday, May 29, 2006
hot, breezy, but nice!
So far I have had a great weekend. Yes, it is 2:00 A.M. I should be sleeping I have my alarm set for 5:05 A.M. But I took DrLark's (drlark.com) Energy Vitalizer a little too late in the day and I think I took a total of three today (recommended dosage 2 in AM and 2 at lunch).
I had ran 13 miles...well mostly walked half of that. When I got to the far side of the park..it got hot and I got pooped. So I walked most of the way back. But, it was a beautiful day..the breeze was wonderful. I prefer to open outdoors as opposed to stuffy, A/C and feeling closed in. Besides walking and running and getting out there.. I talk to others doing the same thing and it's great.
On the way back I saw a man walking a little terrier dog, and his son walking a bengy dog. I just had to stop and say Hi! (mostly to the bengy dog). He was very cute. I asked what breed and the man said a mutt they rescued from Katrina. I said I bet he is a very sweet pet and they assured me that he was. Just darling... I wanted to take him home ..for my own.
I think I just about literally ran into Claire today on the way to the park.. immediately I felt her presence for some reason.. like I knew the group of people that she was riding with...or knew someone among them. I heard what sounded to me like "Hi Dianne!" I responded with "Hi" before she passed...just saw her hair, which is longer and curley and blonde. She seems like a very nice person.. or as much as I know her from her emails. I would like to meet her. I know that she is dating someone. It would be nice to make a new friend..and I think that process has already began.
Damn, its 2:30 A.M. I need to get to bed. I just drank my protein drink and took a hand full of vitamins. My face is stinging a bit from sunburn. I hate that. I had 30 SPV on this morning.. maybe sweat rolled it off. Now, I will be riding bicycle this a little later this morning. I hope we get finished before the sun gets too intense. Or I hope it's at our back's anyway. I will make sure I put loads on..before and during. I hope the ride goes well!
I emailed C, after seeing her on her ride and my run. I hope to see her tomorrow morning too on the ride.
Too bad I like to type so much.. I could go on and on and on. Especially, on my new laptop.
I am so glad that I made the big changes in my life - beginning the summer and fall of 04. Falling in love was my catalyst for change. I still love her (T). I think I always well, because I think she saved my life. Then I split up my fifteen year relationship (we remain friends). Last summer I fell in love for a few months. (actually, will always have a place in my heart for her. She was/is very special to me. She brought me life like I never knew it before! And now, I guess I'm in to me! I am totally content and happy with my life...well at times I miss lovingly making love..but..what can I say. I do the best I can. And who knows maybe this is the best for me for now.
My hair is getting longer... I wish my sides would hurry and catch up with the back..but they are getting there. As much as my hair is in the sun.. it's in great shape because I take (I know I sound like a commerical) GNC Women's hair and nail supplement, gelatin, and I make sure I get enough protein by drinking GNC's Protein 95 (don't know why 95) made with soy protein. I am actually beginning to like the flavor. Anyway, I drink my vitamins with it.
Guess I need to get to bed...and hurring and sleep...before my alarms goes off at 5.
Namaste!
I had ran 13 miles...well mostly walked half of that. When I got to the far side of the park..it got hot and I got pooped. So I walked most of the way back. But, it was a beautiful day..the breeze was wonderful. I prefer to open outdoors as opposed to stuffy, A/C and feeling closed in. Besides walking and running and getting out there.. I talk to others doing the same thing and it's great.
On the way back I saw a man walking a little terrier dog, and his son walking a bengy dog. I just had to stop and say Hi! (mostly to the bengy dog). He was very cute. I asked what breed and the man said a mutt they rescued from Katrina. I said I bet he is a very sweet pet and they assured me that he was. Just darling... I wanted to take him home ..for my own.
I think I just about literally ran into Claire today on the way to the park.. immediately I felt her presence for some reason.. like I knew the group of people that she was riding with...or knew someone among them. I heard what sounded to me like "Hi Dianne!" I responded with "Hi" before she passed...just saw her hair, which is longer and curley and blonde. She seems like a very nice person.. or as much as I know her from her emails. I would like to meet her. I know that she is dating someone. It would be nice to make a new friend..and I think that process has already began.
Damn, its 2:30 A.M. I need to get to bed. I just drank my protein drink and took a hand full of vitamins. My face is stinging a bit from sunburn. I hate that. I had 30 SPV on this morning.. maybe sweat rolled it off. Now, I will be riding bicycle this a little later this morning. I hope we get finished before the sun gets too intense. Or I hope it's at our back's anyway. I will make sure I put loads on..before and during. I hope the ride goes well!
I emailed C, after seeing her on her ride and my run. I hope to see her tomorrow morning too on the ride.
Too bad I like to type so much.. I could go on and on and on. Especially, on my new laptop.
I am so glad that I made the big changes in my life - beginning the summer and fall of 04. Falling in love was my catalyst for change. I still love her (T). I think I always well, because I think she saved my life. Then I split up my fifteen year relationship (we remain friends). Last summer I fell in love for a few months. (actually, will always have a place in my heart for her. She was/is very special to me. She brought me life like I never knew it before! And now, I guess I'm in to me! I am totally content and happy with my life...well at times I miss lovingly making love..but..what can I say. I do the best I can. And who knows maybe this is the best for me for now.
My hair is getting longer... I wish my sides would hurry and catch up with the back..but they are getting there. As much as my hair is in the sun.. it's in great shape because I take (I know I sound like a commerical) GNC Women's hair and nail supplement, gelatin, and I make sure I get enough protein by drinking GNC's Protein 95 (don't know why 95) made with soy protein. I am actually beginning to like the flavor. Anyway, I drink my vitamins with it.
Guess I need to get to bed...and hurring and sleep...before my alarms goes off at 5.
Namaste!
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Missing you less and less now - I'm so FREE!
I think IL was a message for me to "get over it"! She was a slight ???? and now that I think of it so was LS...I'm done! As E paddling up stream and pooping out would say. "I'm done"!
Anyway, I feel so free...it's almost sexual! :) Who needs 'em anyway?
They just suck you dry....me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
Hey, I"m putting ME first and loving it...ditched the ex (although, she is my family, and really the best of the lot), ditched the damn family (talking about sucking me dry?), ditched the pains-in-the-butts who cannot give but only play scripts for as long as they can and then they must move on. Actually, I do have a little soft spot for LS...but, I can easily enough put that into perspective. IL, forget it! Too overwhelming with problems! Don't need it!
Why in the world would I go out looking for trouble or problems of someone else? Why? Why take on that load? Tell me why?
I wish no ill-wills on anyone. I wish them all the best for in their own rights they are good people. Like the songs says: "There ain't no good guy; there ain't no bad guy! There's just you and me and we just disagree!"
And I'm FREE!
Anyway, I feel so free...it's almost sexual! :) Who needs 'em anyway?
They just suck you dry....me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
Hey, I"m putting ME first and loving it...ditched the ex (although, she is my family, and really the best of the lot), ditched the damn family (talking about sucking me dry?), ditched the pains-in-the-butts who cannot give but only play scripts for as long as they can and then they must move on. Actually, I do have a little soft spot for LS...but, I can easily enough put that into perspective. IL, forget it! Too overwhelming with problems! Don't need it!
Why in the world would I go out looking for trouble or problems of someone else? Why? Why take on that load? Tell me why?
I wish no ill-wills on anyone. I wish them all the best for in their own rights they are good people. Like the songs says: "There ain't no good guy; there ain't no bad guy! There's just you and me and we just disagree!"
And I'm FREE!
The single's groove and loving it
I must say I do really like Sam's. Besides having great three year warranties on laptops....well, here's the story in case you missed it. I had a laptop for 2 1/2 years and it began acting up...flashing when I was on line.. like it was on its way out. I couldn't even see the cursor. much less try to type commands. Anyway, when I bought it Lou suggested since it is a laptop to get the $54.00 three year warranty. Well, today it paid off. I had my papers with me and she said, without examing the unit, do you want your money back or a new laptop. New laptop! I picked out a Compaq for $799. and added on the 3 years warranty which is $79.00 now. I had paid about 900. or so for my old laptop. Anyway out of the deal I got $26.00 back...Nice!
So today I'm there to get so vitamins and I see they have Speedo bathing suits for about $21.00.. so I pick up a size 8 black two pick. Get it home and try it on.. it actually fit pretty nice. My butt and upper thighs are okay ..not bad! Actually, it fit quite comfortably! So I slapped some sunscreen on and sat and read on the patio until the perspiration dripped and I was comfortable in my new suit. I was due for a new one; but $21.00? You can't beat that!
Well, it's after 10:30 P.M. and I am listening to Soundscapes cable channel via my Boses Aux port. It's nice! I think I will get ready to read some..more of "Demons and Angels".
I use like drlark.com (Dr. Lark's) "Energy Vitalizer" it clears your head so you can think.
I think a cab or a pizza just pulled up outside...probably a cab...interesting. Oh, me? I"m not going anywhere.. I would love to go to the beach but, I need to get my a couple of things paid for first. Besides, maybe I'll fall face first into love one of these days and she maybe would like to go with me.
Right now I am just so settled on to being single. Most of my friends are coupled and you know what I don't even envy them! Well, I was just in a 15 year relationship and this morning at Bread Co., the things, the little irrations, they talked about I could relate too. The little annoyances and over sights that seem to say, I really don't care that deeply about you. Oh, just little things like turning on the bathroom light and leaving it shine in your eyes while you are in bed trying to sleep. Saying your sorry about doing it but then never closing the door, to block the light....you know just little things like that.
LS kept hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep...well I was up on the second buzz! I guess some people are just more conscious of how their actions affect the other person in their life...and then again some people are not. I just happen to be the more conscious one. ..well, I always tried to be.
But, who cares.. it's all over and done now. Cyn said she and her friend Carol are use to being single and coming and going as they like....hey, it's an easy groove to get truly into. I love it.
So today I'm there to get so vitamins and I see they have Speedo bathing suits for about $21.00.. so I pick up a size 8 black two pick. Get it home and try it on.. it actually fit pretty nice. My butt and upper thighs are okay ..not bad! Actually, it fit quite comfortably! So I slapped some sunscreen on and sat and read on the patio until the perspiration dripped and I was comfortable in my new suit. I was due for a new one; but $21.00? You can't beat that!
Well, it's after 10:30 P.M. and I am listening to Soundscapes cable channel via my Boses Aux port. It's nice! I think I will get ready to read some..more of "Demons and Angels".
I use like drlark.com (Dr. Lark's) "Energy Vitalizer" it clears your head so you can think.
I think a cab or a pizza just pulled up outside...probably a cab...interesting. Oh, me? I"m not going anywhere.. I would love to go to the beach but, I need to get my a couple of things paid for first. Besides, maybe I'll fall face first into love one of these days and she maybe would like to go with me.
Right now I am just so settled on to being single. Most of my friends are coupled and you know what I don't even envy them! Well, I was just in a 15 year relationship and this morning at Bread Co., the things, the little irrations, they talked about I could relate too. The little annoyances and over sights that seem to say, I really don't care that deeply about you. Oh, just little things like turning on the bathroom light and leaving it shine in your eyes while you are in bed trying to sleep. Saying your sorry about doing it but then never closing the door, to block the light....you know just little things like that.
LS kept hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep...well I was up on the second buzz! I guess some people are just more conscious of how their actions affect the other person in their life...and then again some people are not. I just happen to be the more conscious one. ..well, I always tried to be.
But, who cares.. it's all over and done now. Cyn said she and her friend Carol are use to being single and coming and going as they like....hey, it's an easy groove to get truly into. I love it.
A Free Woman!
I don't do relationships! I don't like being directed! Whatever happened to sweetness? Isn't there just a thing? Oh, only in my dreams!
I thought relationships were supposed to be 50/50; well, I least leave room for discussion. I usually get the backseat. Here's the kicker: I WANT TO DRIVE!
The more I think about it, the more I just may set out for the beach - alone. I'll wing it at the women's beach on the east coast. I want to write, shoot some pictures, sketch, read or lean back and dream. May even take my guitar along. Soon I may even be able to play by heart!
I envision me in my beach chair under an umbrella listening to the surf, hearing the sea gulls, feeling the misty, salty breeze carrass my skin. My hair blowing (yes, it quite long now)! And waving; I think I like it!
Well, better get going to Frontrunners. Today, I'll work on my pace..just even trying to run and talk is a challenge.
The beach is my secret! I'm going alone. There are only two people that I would go with: Last summer's love or someone I havn't met yet, but emailed a few times, C. She seemed like a really cool person; but is in a relationship. So, I will enjoy my own company! I usually do anyway! I'm on own bestfriend. Sometimes being alone forces you to be more friendly and open to people and that can be a good thing. When be closed up in a couple when I can expand my horizons? Namaste!
I thought relationships were supposed to be 50/50; well, I least leave room for discussion. I usually get the backseat. Here's the kicker: I WANT TO DRIVE!
The more I think about it, the more I just may set out for the beach - alone. I'll wing it at the women's beach on the east coast. I want to write, shoot some pictures, sketch, read or lean back and dream. May even take my guitar along. Soon I may even be able to play by heart!
I envision me in my beach chair under an umbrella listening to the surf, hearing the sea gulls, feeling the misty, salty breeze carrass my skin. My hair blowing (yes, it quite long now)! And waving; I think I like it!
Well, better get going to Frontrunners. Today, I'll work on my pace..just even trying to run and talk is a challenge.
The beach is my secret! I'm going alone. There are only two people that I would go with: Last summer's love or someone I havn't met yet, but emailed a few times, C. She seemed like a really cool person; but is in a relationship. So, I will enjoy my own company! I usually do anyway! I'm on own bestfriend. Sometimes being alone forces you to be more friendly and open to people and that can be a good thing. When be closed up in a couple when I can expand my horizons? Namaste!
Friday, May 26, 2006
IL makes last summer look like a walk in the park
Go to spaces.msn.com/zimzoomzI think that is what it is. Oh just google! I like the site format better.
I am using my new laptop.. I love it! I spent hours on the phone with cable, router, and compaq people to no avail trying to get this thing to talk to my home router. This laptop has a built in wireless card evidently foreign to my home router. I finaly gave up and decided to see if my notebook could talk to the wireless at Bread Co. Success!
Funny! It works just fine at Bread Co.
I'm playing golf this evening with my pals S&M. Next Friday I could play poker (which I cancelled this evening for the great outdoors) or I could go to Novak's, sounds like they are all congregating there to sit on the patio. I'm done with IL. Very troublesome makes last summer look like a walk in the park. Last summer was adorable; IL annoyingly genius and bossy. for a very young person she had more aches and pains than my mother. Make me feel like a kid!
I love being ALONE! I can do what I want; go when and where I want. Sleep and eat when and where and what I want! It's heaven! I don't miss having my every thought and action clarified. To my friends I wish to remain sort of a mystery! A wonder!
One day I may just decide to jump in the car and drive to the east coast and sit on the beach to write, draw, meditate, and look at the women. It's a women's beach! It's really cool! I told Last Summer about it. And she would be the only one I would consider going with at this point. I would chance her getting mad and leaving me there! Yes!
Where is my doctor whom I love so much? Where is she to put her arms around me? I know! I was just thinking about her....an angel! Falling in love with her literally changed my whole life in the fall of 04.
Actually, I'm fine! I have discovered DrLark's (check out the site) energy formula vitamins. It must be psychological because I could swear I already take all this stuff! Well, except for one for two ingredients. I'm hooked! I'm buzzing!
I'm walking the golf coast (par 4 nine holes).
There is a booth next to me at Bread Co., with a mother and the three very cute, sweet kids! A delight! The mother is very pretty!
Maybe in my next life I"ll feel like being straight and having kids. It certainly would be a lot easier then feeling weird and out-of-it. I did not choose to be gay and love feminine women (who are usually straight). It's a mixed up shook up world, isn't it?
Well, life has been good to me physically anyway. I do look good! If I have to brag I will; I have a nice body...next abs, shoulder, thighs (front and back)...butt? Not bad! The yoga, running, and bicycling pays off! I'll keep doing it as long as I can. And I just ate a salad!
I am grateful for my many blessings. In a way it's all a curse.. just how many women in the 40's look up into the 50's on the on-line dating sites. Yes, I am doomed! Women my age....well, the one's who don't take care of themselves???? Not good! In my Tuesday afternoon yoga class there are a couple very nice looking ladies..as straight as can be!
So, I'm done (as E would say trying to kayak upstream)! I'm done! What? What? Hell, to give her the keys I had to go down and then back up stream again! Age has nothing to do with it and then again all to do with it.
Actually, age doesn't have anything to do with it!
Better get going I have a tee time at 5:45 and I need to stop and pick up those long tees I have to use with my new honking ass driver. I do love it.! It's oh so lite!
Namaste!
I am using my new laptop.. I love it! I spent hours on the phone with cable, router, and compaq people to no avail trying to get this thing to talk to my home router. This laptop has a built in wireless card evidently foreign to my home router. I finaly gave up and decided to see if my notebook could talk to the wireless at Bread Co. Success!
Funny! It works just fine at Bread Co.
I'm playing golf this evening with my pals S&M. Next Friday I could play poker (which I cancelled this evening for the great outdoors) or I could go to Novak's, sounds like they are all congregating there to sit on the patio. I'm done with IL. Very troublesome makes last summer look like a walk in the park. Last summer was adorable; IL annoyingly genius and bossy. for a very young person she had more aches and pains than my mother. Make me feel like a kid!
I love being ALONE! I can do what I want; go when and where I want. Sleep and eat when and where and what I want! It's heaven! I don't miss having my every thought and action clarified. To my friends I wish to remain sort of a mystery! A wonder!
One day I may just decide to jump in the car and drive to the east coast and sit on the beach to write, draw, meditate, and look at the women. It's a women's beach! It's really cool! I told Last Summer about it. And she would be the only one I would consider going with at this point. I would chance her getting mad and leaving me there! Yes!
Where is my doctor whom I love so much? Where is she to put her arms around me? I know! I was just thinking about her....an angel! Falling in love with her literally changed my whole life in the fall of 04.
Actually, I'm fine! I have discovered DrLark's (check out the site) energy formula vitamins. It must be psychological because I could swear I already take all this stuff! Well, except for one for two ingredients. I'm hooked! I'm buzzing!
I'm walking the golf coast (par 4 nine holes).
There is a booth next to me at Bread Co., with a mother and the three very cute, sweet kids! A delight! The mother is very pretty!
Maybe in my next life I"ll feel like being straight and having kids. It certainly would be a lot easier then feeling weird and out-of-it. I did not choose to be gay and love feminine women (who are usually straight). It's a mixed up shook up world, isn't it?
Well, life has been good to me physically anyway. I do look good! If I have to brag I will; I have a nice body...next abs, shoulder, thighs (front and back)...butt? Not bad! The yoga, running, and bicycling pays off! I'll keep doing it as long as I can. And I just ate a salad!
I am grateful for my many blessings. In a way it's all a curse.. just how many women in the 40's look up into the 50's on the on-line dating sites. Yes, I am doomed! Women my age....well, the one's who don't take care of themselves???? Not good! In my Tuesday afternoon yoga class there are a couple very nice looking ladies..as straight as can be!
So, I'm done (as E would say trying to kayak upstream)! I'm done! What? What? Hell, to give her the keys I had to go down and then back up stream again! Age has nothing to do with it and then again all to do with it.
Actually, age doesn't have anything to do with it!
Better get going I have a tee time at 5:45 and I need to stop and pick up those long tees I have to use with my new honking ass driver. I do love it.! It's oh so lite!
Namaste!
A quick short note..
I love my new Compaq notebook. Well, my other one crapped out today and I had five months yet on my three year warranty that I paid 54.00 more for. So, without question, I was told to pick up another laptop; paying the different of course and now the three year warranty is 79.00 and no longer 54.00. So I am happy! This laptop was priced as 799.99 cheaper than my first laptop.. so in the end I got 28.00 back. I love Sam's. I hope this laptop fits in my old bag. Just doing a visual, I think not.
Well, this notebook comes already with a built in wireless network card. Well, it won't talk to my existing router. So for six hours total I have worked with Lynksys, Charter, and HP. I will resume tomorrow. Right now I am by-passing the wireless remote and hardwiring with a RJ48 from my notebook directly to the back of the cable modem.
Well, I usually use my notebook at the table anyway. I will call Linksys again tomorrow morning after my run and work somemore on this. I have cleared Charter, and HP has had me reload the Microsoft Operating System CD - to no avail. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I miss typing and journaling this is what I wanted to do in the park using their wireless network. I love to sit outside and journal or work on my book I'm writing - a slow process.
I had a great day all in all. I can't keep my eyes open.. guess it's time for bed.
Namaste!
Well, this notebook comes already with a built in wireless network card. Well, it won't talk to my existing router. So for six hours total I have worked with Lynksys, Charter, and HP. I will resume tomorrow. Right now I am by-passing the wireless remote and hardwiring with a RJ48 from my notebook directly to the back of the cable modem.
Well, I usually use my notebook at the table anyway. I will call Linksys again tomorrow morning after my run and work somemore on this. I have cleared Charter, and HP has had me reload the Microsoft Operating System CD - to no avail. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I miss typing and journaling this is what I wanted to do in the park using their wireless network. I love to sit outside and journal or work on my book I'm writing - a slow process.
I had a great day all in all. I can't keep my eyes open.. guess it's time for bed.
Namaste!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I lied!
It's amazing to me how thoughts of you come creeping back into my mind on a daily basis. Amazing!
Because I waited so long, and wanted so long, my love for you was magical. Just magical!
Memories to be teasured for as long as I live....true there are longings. I want to love again. I want to be head over heels, smack me in the face in love...again.
Yes, I believe in love at first sight. Yes, I believe in love at first sight lasting forever.
I want to love again and more..I have a vivid imagination but I want to feel the touch, the sweetness.
I want it to happen again to me. I want to be in love.
Because I waited so long, and wanted so long, my love for you was magical. Just magical!
Memories to be teasured for as long as I live....true there are longings. I want to love again. I want to be head over heels, smack me in the face in love...again.
Yes, I believe in love at first sight. Yes, I believe in love at first sight lasting forever.
I want to love again and more..I have a vivid imagination but I want to feel the touch, the sweetness.
I want it to happen again to me. I want to be in love.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I really don't want her back....just going on and on
maybe it's the sound of a lonely heart or the echoes of love lost. I really don't want her back. We got to the point where we couldn't carry on a conversation. Not a bidirectional one anyway.
It just began very difficult to read her.
So, no, my head knows better. I'm just sprouting off saving wear and tear on someone else...whom I will get around to later anyway.
I think she did good for herself..but no!
Too difficult! And she knows this herself!
I think neither one of us "do relationships"!
Most people make sure they get their way in a relationship..they even become bossy. I have a tendency to lose myself for long periods of time until I can't do it any longer. Then I'm out of there!
I guess there is no 50/50.
And I don't want to get fat or change my looks. I have lost 20 pounds and let my hair grow and dress like a girl, since I split from my ex of fifteen years....see I had lost myself...it's silent and gradual and creeps up. Before you realize it, you are feeling down and depressed and don't know why. You turn yourself off.
What happened to me was of no fault of my partner's. My personality should have been strong enough to come to the forefront and blend in the background or just "blend".
I'm back to me and I'm home..and I guess that's good. Except I'm on a cookie kick that I need to kick.....or hurry and finish up the package.
It just began very difficult to read her.
So, no, my head knows better. I'm just sprouting off saving wear and tear on someone else...whom I will get around to later anyway.
I think she did good for herself..but no!
Too difficult! And she knows this herself!
I think neither one of us "do relationships"!
Most people make sure they get their way in a relationship..they even become bossy. I have a tendency to lose myself for long periods of time until I can't do it any longer. Then I'm out of there!
I guess there is no 50/50.
And I don't want to get fat or change my looks. I have lost 20 pounds and let my hair grow and dress like a girl, since I split from my ex of fifteen years....see I had lost myself...it's silent and gradual and creeps up. Before you realize it, you are feeling down and depressed and don't know why. You turn yourself off.
What happened to me was of no fault of my partner's. My personality should have been strong enough to come to the forefront and blend in the background or just "blend".
I'm back to me and I'm home..and I guess that's good. Except I'm on a cookie kick that I need to kick.....or hurry and finish up the package.
I love my own company!
A certain someone was progressing becoming a little too bossy and I had no love there to cushion the blows. Annoying.
Now, my last summer love could be bossing me all over the place and I wouldn't mind. I would still like to sit with her on the beach .. holding her.... god, I wish I could.....
Maybe I'll take couple of days and drive there and sit and write, draw, play my guitar and cry.. God I would want her (last summer's love...)there. Oh I would cry..
Guess I won't go. I don't want to go with anyone else. I'm still not ruling out going alone though. She goes on vacations alone. I wonder if she is still seeing whats-her-name. I know her name ..C
You never know I just may hop in the car one day and go.....oh come with me...we need to sit on the beach at night and listen to the surf and watch the waves. You would love it, I know you would. I would do anything and everything you want to make sure that you do love it. Just you and me! Well, I don't know about being with me... but maybe you could tolerate me for a few days... for as long as you like. I would want you to feel comfortable and in control and most importantly cared about.. feeling special! I want you to feel special, as special as you are!
It's a cute little town on the beach..it quaint with old houses and unique little shops and restuarants and very gay friendly. And a broadwalk. It feels safe. It's kind of an out of the way place and most people from DC go there. That's all I'm saying on line.
I was there in 04 and loved it... I want to take you to the woman's beach...there just a few people here and there.. some woman alone and some couples on blankets.
I was just seriously thinking about sending you email and just asking you. But, I don't know if you are in love or not. You are probably still in a relationship and very much in love. I just want you to be happy.
See I only want to go with you or alone, because it's a romantic place and I love you...so I don't want to go with anyone else.. it's either you and me or I'll go alone.
It's a special place! A magical place! I want to share it with you and hope you like it as much as I. It's a place that puts you in touch with yourself, and makes you feel one with the universe. It's very relaxing and as fancy or as simple as you wish to make it.. and as cheap. We could probably camp somewhere....we would figure it out. I think I mentioned last summer.
It's a dream I know. I would get the room for us.. since I am inviting you.. but you are in control. You probably already have plans to go somewhere with her...I understand. You two are more suited and I realize that too.
Anyway, it was just a dream......
Now, my last summer love could be bossing me all over the place and I wouldn't mind. I would still like to sit with her on the beach .. holding her.... god, I wish I could.....
Maybe I'll take couple of days and drive there and sit and write, draw, play my guitar and cry.. God I would want her (last summer's love...)there. Oh I would cry..
Guess I won't go. I don't want to go with anyone else. I'm still not ruling out going alone though. She goes on vacations alone. I wonder if she is still seeing whats-her-name. I know her name ..C
You never know I just may hop in the car one day and go.....oh come with me...we need to sit on the beach at night and listen to the surf and watch the waves. You would love it, I know you would. I would do anything and everything you want to make sure that you do love it. Just you and me! Well, I don't know about being with me... but maybe you could tolerate me for a few days... for as long as you like. I would want you to feel comfortable and in control and most importantly cared about.. feeling special! I want you to feel special, as special as you are!
It's a cute little town on the beach..it quaint with old houses and unique little shops and restuarants and very gay friendly. And a broadwalk. It feels safe. It's kind of an out of the way place and most people from DC go there. That's all I'm saying on line.
I was there in 04 and loved it... I want to take you to the woman's beach...there just a few people here and there.. some woman alone and some couples on blankets.
I was just seriously thinking about sending you email and just asking you. But, I don't know if you are in love or not. You are probably still in a relationship and very much in love. I just want you to be happy.
See I only want to go with you or alone, because it's a romantic place and I love you...so I don't want to go with anyone else.. it's either you and me or I'll go alone.
It's a special place! A magical place! I want to share it with you and hope you like it as much as I. It's a place that puts you in touch with yourself, and makes you feel one with the universe. It's very relaxing and as fancy or as simple as you wish to make it.. and as cheap. We could probably camp somewhere....we would figure it out. I think I mentioned last summer.
It's a dream I know. I would get the room for us.. since I am inviting you.. but you are in control. You probably already have plans to go somewhere with her...I understand. You two are more suited and I realize that too.
Anyway, it was just a dream......
Monday, May 22, 2006
She taught me...
.. families come in all forms, shapes and sizes and "family" is where the heart resides.
..she taught me that love can be beautiful and that nothing can compare to the touch of a woman.
..that some memories are beautiful and last a lifetime
..even after the relationship as ended that love can continue to grow.
..sometimes, I just don't get people. Not her, other people! Her I understand!
..to stand up for my beliefs.
..that I'm not alone even when I am.
..to realize that I don't do holidays either.
..to realize I don't do relationships very well.
..it's not where you go, but who you are with that truly matters but
..that I want to sit with her in my arms on the beach, at night, and feel the wonder of life and the beauty of her soul and feel the mist off the ocean..and listen.
..that life is beautiful
..that it is better to have loved, then never to have loved.
..that love can (and should) be magical.
..that love exists!
..I could feel needed and that I loved feeling needed!
..that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat
..that it feels like it was yesterday when I held her close to my heart.
..that I can be free and be myself even while in a relationship.
..that we shouldn't take friends so seriously
..not to care what other people think, only that she and I truly matter.
..no one is more important or better than we two.
..that I have a purpose
..that she has a good heart
..I could fall in love the moment I looked into someone eyes.
..I could see someone's past in their eyes.
..that all my magical moments happen on beautiful days and rainy days
..that she is still teaching me
..that I still have a lot to learn
..I can miss someone very much
..to love, like there is no tomorrow
..that I never thought I could "want" this much
..that maybe I am okay
.. it's not my place to make decisions for someone else
.. I need to respect another persons' wishes
Must Run; but first..
I have to wait for the two Accel Gel's to kick in. Yesterday, I rode 28 miles and then walked nine holes of golf after that...but I gotta get out there and do something today..for a little bit. It's beautiful sixty degrees...Okay I'm out of here.
So, I thought I would run short and fast. I want to increase my pace.
I wonder if "05 love" is still running? "I'm not your sweetie!" Her, that's who I mean. I want you back.....I love "fiery"; then we can make up!
Damn my heart misses her! Wish we had a relationship, where I could at least see her once in a while. Oh well, it's probably better this way. Gotta run!
So, I thought I would run short and fast. I want to increase my pace.
I wonder if "05 love" is still running? "I'm not your sweetie!" Her, that's who I mean. I want you back.....I love "fiery"; then we can make up!
Damn my heart misses her! Wish we had a relationship, where I could at least see her once in a while. Oh well, it's probably better this way. Gotta run!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
A Great Ride!
I didn't mention to anyone that I invited you, nor do I mention cards or anything that I may send. I don't want the whole world to know I'm making a big ass of myself.
I missed you today. The ride was great! I rode with John, R&W. Between you and me, I didn't miss K who had to work. I saw a different light Saturday morning when T&J mentioned our situation. I said. " friends." K likes it. Things are beginning to change toward the negative because she is too assuming and too directing. People think we are more than friends..trust me we are not!
I think she is easing up and I'm glad. Don't try to mode me, think, or act for me. I don't like it! If I was in love I could maybe tolerate it; but that is not the case. She is right up there with E.
Anyway. It was wonderful being with my friends J, R&W and later on L&Cyn who rode the longest ride of 50 then came join us to eat. We rode 28 which was fine with me, I wanted to visit with J, R&W. And it was R&W's first time out. J did fabulous. I truly enjoyed it. I did good on the hills.
As it was I got home at three and had a message that L and S&M were going to play golf in the park. I had exactly 30 minutes to put things away, walk Emma, shower, and gather my golf clubs and get going. I made it.
My golf pretty much stank. Lou and I were both complaining about our golfing skills; but, towards the end, I finally found my groove and teed, putted, and hit the fairway pretty decent. When we play nine holes I enjoy carrying my clubs in my back-pack type golf bag. So, it's great exercise..like I needed more. Anyway, it was fun!
Can't get around to finding the time to eat. Seems, I have heated my dinner three times in the microwave before I got around to eating it. But, that's okay. I enjoyed visiting with the neighbor while walking Emma, seeing L at home and chatting, and talking to T&J to tell them how the movie the Da Vinci Code was. It was good and not at all boring like predicted.
J might try to come to F's on Tues and Thursday evenings to run. I told her I wanted to do that more, so I learn of the up and coming runs. I can't believe that I have missed three already. I'm bumbing! They are getting all kinds of prizes and T-shirts without me. Did I let someone sway me? God, I hate when I do that! Why did I fall off the running wagon? Doesn't matter - I'm back on.
I still can't believe I didn't do "run for sight". I would have had enough time before the brunch I was supposed to attend. Then they showed me their medals and placks from a race in Troy. Damn! I'm envious! I'll be ready for the next 5k or 10k.
Anyway this week I want to work on increasing my pace by running fast short runs and over time increasing the distances. Hopefully, my pace and endurance will increase.
I have been riding my bicycle up hills and I noticed I did pretty good keeping up with J this morning on the hills.
Suddenly I got sleepy. Forgot I gotta send email to a couple of people yet.
Anyway, I missed you today. I miss what we had. I really do miss you.
Oh well! I'll just write like this from time to time, like I'm talking to you.
I wish I could share the beach with you...just you and me. There's a woman's beach.. very private. What we had felt very good to me... how in the hell did I mess that up? I now I didn't respect your wishes or your privacy and for that I am so sorry. I wish I could make it up somehow.
Anyway.....I wish you the best and lots of happiness. And if you should ever miss me...just call me...drop by...send a line. I would love to see you.
I'll be working the Frontrunners booth noon on Sat and 2 on Sunday...after I march in the parade.
I know I fell in love with you...not the other way around. So, I know that I am probably just a big annoyance to you. Sorry. I miss you...I'll get over it in about two more years.....maybe! But, I will always be here for you...remember? I told you that and I meant it. I love you and it's not something I made up in my head. It was not my idea to be a lesbian and it was not idea to fall in love with you..things just happen for some reason, I guess. I haven't figured it all out yet.
Namaste.
I missed you today. The ride was great! I rode with John, R&W. Between you and me, I didn't miss K who had to work. I saw a different light Saturday morning when T&J mentioned our situation. I said. " friends." K likes it. Things are beginning to change toward the negative because she is too assuming and too directing. People think we are more than friends..trust me we are not!
I think she is easing up and I'm glad. Don't try to mode me, think, or act for me. I don't like it! If I was in love I could maybe tolerate it; but that is not the case. She is right up there with E.
Anyway. It was wonderful being with my friends J, R&W and later on L&Cyn who rode the longest ride of 50 then came join us to eat. We rode 28 which was fine with me, I wanted to visit with J, R&W. And it was R&W's first time out. J did fabulous. I truly enjoyed it. I did good on the hills.
As it was I got home at three and had a message that L and S&M were going to play golf in the park. I had exactly 30 minutes to put things away, walk Emma, shower, and gather my golf clubs and get going. I made it.
My golf pretty much stank. Lou and I were both complaining about our golfing skills; but, towards the end, I finally found my groove and teed, putted, and hit the fairway pretty decent. When we play nine holes I enjoy carrying my clubs in my back-pack type golf bag. So, it's great exercise..like I needed more. Anyway, it was fun!
Can't get around to finding the time to eat. Seems, I have heated my dinner three times in the microwave before I got around to eating it. But, that's okay. I enjoyed visiting with the neighbor while walking Emma, seeing L at home and chatting, and talking to T&J to tell them how the movie the Da Vinci Code was. It was good and not at all boring like predicted.
J might try to come to F's on Tues and Thursday evenings to run. I told her I wanted to do that more, so I learn of the up and coming runs. I can't believe that I have missed three already. I'm bumbing! They are getting all kinds of prizes and T-shirts without me. Did I let someone sway me? God, I hate when I do that! Why did I fall off the running wagon? Doesn't matter - I'm back on.
I still can't believe I didn't do "run for sight". I would have had enough time before the brunch I was supposed to attend. Then they showed me their medals and placks from a race in Troy. Damn! I'm envious! I'll be ready for the next 5k or 10k.
Anyway this week I want to work on increasing my pace by running fast short runs and over time increasing the distances. Hopefully, my pace and endurance will increase.
I have been riding my bicycle up hills and I noticed I did pretty good keeping up with J this morning on the hills.
Suddenly I got sleepy. Forgot I gotta send email to a couple of people yet.
Anyway, I missed you today. I miss what we had. I really do miss you.
Oh well! I'll just write like this from time to time, like I'm talking to you.
I wish I could share the beach with you...just you and me. There's a woman's beach.. very private. What we had felt very good to me... how in the hell did I mess that up? I now I didn't respect your wishes or your privacy and for that I am so sorry. I wish I could make it up somehow.
Anyway.....I wish you the best and lots of happiness. And if you should ever miss me...just call me...drop by...send a line. I would love to see you.
I'll be working the Frontrunners booth noon on Sat and 2 on Sunday...after I march in the parade.
I know I fell in love with you...not the other way around. So, I know that I am probably just a big annoyance to you. Sorry. I miss you...I'll get over it in about two more years.....maybe! But, I will always be here for you...remember? I told you that and I meant it. I love you and it's not something I made up in my head. It was not my idea to be a lesbian and it was not idea to fall in love with you..things just happen for some reason, I guess. I haven't figured it all out yet.
Namaste.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Da Vinci Code is good movie
I won't get into it here....besides my dog is bossing me around....it's time for bed.............is this a female thing.....do all females boss? Do they all feel the need to boss me around?
Good night!
She's been out and she has had treats...she wants to go to sleep now and so must I; I guess.
She's trying all her treats. The dog is a piece of work.. I'm telling you even at 14 years old.
Gee's finally she gave up. Now the guilt! Damn catholic upbringing. Oh, she's fine..
Anyway, good night! Great movie I recomment it.. I went into it more on myspace.msn.com/zimzoomz (something like that....it's late, I'm tired and I'm not looking it up to double-check the internet address.
Don't feel good! Nothing stays in me......I'll be weak to ride tomorrow I can tell already!
I was lightheaded Friday morning in the park... twice I felt weird. I had two big glasses of wine the night before. I think icy mocha not good for me and I think GNC soy protein 95 is doing a number on me too.
Damn.
Good night!
Good night!
She's been out and she has had treats...she wants to go to sleep now and so must I; I guess.
She's trying all her treats. The dog is a piece of work.. I'm telling you even at 14 years old.
Gee's finally she gave up. Now the guilt! Damn catholic upbringing. Oh, she's fine..
Anyway, good night! Great movie I recomment it.. I went into it more on myspace.msn.com/zimzoomz (something like that....it's late, I'm tired and I'm not looking it up to double-check the internet address.
Don't feel good! Nothing stays in me......I'll be weak to ride tomorrow I can tell already!
I was lightheaded Friday morning in the park... twice I felt weird. I had two big glasses of wine the night before. I think icy mocha not good for me and I think GNC soy protein 95 is doing a number on me too.
Damn.
Good night!
Friday, May 19, 2006
I like spaces.msn.com/zimzoomz/
it's better I think. Anyway check it out.
I'm spending a quiet evening. I could have gone out tonight. I chose to be at home, hurting a little. I was with a happy couple last night...their mutual love was very apparent. It was very nice to see. In all reality, I'll never see that, because I'm too messed up; if someone is sweet to me and loving I'll mess it up and push them away; thinking they can do better and thinking I don't deserve it. I'm telling you, I am totally messed up. Is it just me, or is everyone else all messed up in their heads too? I think it's just me! I don't know love.
I always want something I can't have it seems and feels like I'm longing for something. I'm a mess.
I wouldn't be good in a relationship, if it bit me in the ass. Because I don't know good relationships. I do not know what makes a good relationship. I expect bad things and then they happen. I pushed her away because I loved her so much. I'll never get her back. It's done and she's gone. And nothing has changed since I was a kid. Amazing! So, I haven't learned what I put myself here to learn...whatever that is?
And my deepest loves have been with married straight women with children. Because they were sweet. I know that's why; because they were loving and sweet. I never knew that. I saw them, and I wanted them to hold me and love me. I'm lonely ever where I go..but you won't notice. Besides I have had years of practice. I just have to figure this out? I have to get past this and I will, it's just taking me a little longer then I thought it would.
My parents were strangers - angry strangers at that! I'll never forget when I was about nineteen I doubled dated with a married couple...my gosh! They were nice to each other! Polite and carried on nice conversations! And they had been married for a at least three years. I was amazed and envious. Envious because he had her and I didn't and never could. Envious because they had each other and I knew that would never happen for me. Envious because they were happy and not confused and lost and unloved. I just plain ole couldn't relate to the guy I was with. He must have thought I was from another planet. I just gave'm what they wanted...I knew it was just sex, not love but I got arms around me. I wished she could have given me love. I longed for her love. I have longed for that sweet, giving affectionate love all my life.... I don't think it's coming... besides time is running out.
I can't wait to come back and try it again. My mother will love me and I won't have this empty space where my heart should be.
Funny, how ya never get pass that....I keep trying... but it ain't happening... I don't look for it too much anymore; but that ache won't go away. I have since given up....it's just life. It's a fact of life. It ain't gotta happen for me in this lifetime. It's passed, the time is passed and it's done.
I have friends that I do things with.. I mean social things... and that will be the extent of it....because I know that if I didn't get that love when I needed it then, when I was little....it's too late now.
Funny, when I was very little, I pretended the nice ladies liked me and took care of me and held me. I daydreamed - all the time.
Funny how I still fall for the sweet straight ones... I must be out of my ever lov'n head. All the amount of therapy in the world isn't going to to fix this one.
I have since given up. I know that I need something that no one can give me... love and nurturing...it just ain't gonna happen - that loving, nurturing straight woman is married with children.
I've done good so far and I'll be fine... it's just a little hurdle I am in the process of clearing. Piece of cake!
I hear guys and gals talk of their loving relationships with their fathers and it's foreign to me. I mean foreign. I can't even imagine.
I am so envious.
I'm learning about other people, I think. I just don't feel the love.. I just don't get it. Because the only love I know is what I make up in my head, like I always did. I am so messed up!
Maybe if someone just held me for a long while... maybe? The doctor - just came up to me and held me....that never happened before. I felt her love. Of course, I was in love with her anyway....she was one of those loving sweet affectionate married straight women with children. But, she made me feel loved and it was very nice. I wished I could have stayed there forever...
I am such a mess!
I'm spending a quiet evening. I could have gone out tonight. I chose to be at home, hurting a little. I was with a happy couple last night...their mutual love was very apparent. It was very nice to see. In all reality, I'll never see that, because I'm too messed up; if someone is sweet to me and loving I'll mess it up and push them away; thinking they can do better and thinking I don't deserve it. I'm telling you, I am totally messed up. Is it just me, or is everyone else all messed up in their heads too? I think it's just me! I don't know love.
I always want something I can't have it seems and feels like I'm longing for something. I'm a mess.
I wouldn't be good in a relationship, if it bit me in the ass. Because I don't know good relationships. I do not know what makes a good relationship. I expect bad things and then they happen. I pushed her away because I loved her so much. I'll never get her back. It's done and she's gone. And nothing has changed since I was a kid. Amazing! So, I haven't learned what I put myself here to learn...whatever that is?
And my deepest loves have been with married straight women with children. Because they were sweet. I know that's why; because they were loving and sweet. I never knew that. I saw them, and I wanted them to hold me and love me. I'm lonely ever where I go..but you won't notice. Besides I have had years of practice. I just have to figure this out? I have to get past this and I will, it's just taking me a little longer then I thought it would.
My parents were strangers - angry strangers at that! I'll never forget when I was about nineteen I doubled dated with a married couple...my gosh! They were nice to each other! Polite and carried on nice conversations! And they had been married for a at least three years. I was amazed and envious. Envious because he had her and I didn't and never could. Envious because they had each other and I knew that would never happen for me. Envious because they were happy and not confused and lost and unloved. I just plain ole couldn't relate to the guy I was with. He must have thought I was from another planet. I just gave'm what they wanted...I knew it was just sex, not love but I got arms around me. I wished she could have given me love. I longed for her love. I have longed for that sweet, giving affectionate love all my life.... I don't think it's coming... besides time is running out.
I can't wait to come back and try it again. My mother will love me and I won't have this empty space where my heart should be.
Funny, how ya never get pass that....I keep trying... but it ain't happening... I don't look for it too much anymore; but that ache won't go away. I have since given up....it's just life. It's a fact of life. It ain't gotta happen for me in this lifetime. It's passed, the time is passed and it's done.
I have friends that I do things with.. I mean social things... and that will be the extent of it....because I know that if I didn't get that love when I needed it then, when I was little....it's too late now.
Funny, when I was very little, I pretended the nice ladies liked me and took care of me and held me. I daydreamed - all the time.
Funny how I still fall for the sweet straight ones... I must be out of my ever lov'n head. All the amount of therapy in the world isn't going to to fix this one.
I have since given up. I know that I need something that no one can give me... love and nurturing...it just ain't gonna happen - that loving, nurturing straight woman is married with children.
I've done good so far and I'll be fine... it's just a little hurdle I am in the process of clearing. Piece of cake!
I hear guys and gals talk of their loving relationships with their fathers and it's foreign to me. I mean foreign. I can't even imagine.
I am so envious.
I'm learning about other people, I think. I just don't feel the love.. I just don't get it. Because the only love I know is what I make up in my head, like I always did. I am so messed up!
Maybe if someone just held me for a long while... maybe? The doctor - just came up to me and held me....that never happened before. I felt her love. Of course, I was in love with her anyway....she was one of those loving sweet affectionate married straight women with children. But, she made me feel loved and it was very nice. I wished I could have stayed there forever...
I am such a mess!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I don't get it!
Funny! I miss caring about someone (anyone) and being cared about...maybe that is more of what I need. I just might be getting to the stage in my life where I can accept love...if it hits me just right . For some odd reason, I thought being a lesbian would be easy. With guys you knew where you stood. It's harder with women I think. If you are not a little aggressive, you get nothing. If you are aggressive, you get nothing. I don't get it!
My long term X and I were always good friends. It took me years to realize I missed something I never had in my life and even today I am searching for it still - sweet affection! I want to be loved and made love to. I guess everybody does. I don't get it!
Maybe it doesn't exist for me in this life time. I don't know; apparently not. I don't get it!
I was out with a group of friends this evening. There was a lesbian couple included in the group...they were sweet together.. They were in love and it was nice to see; but it made my heart ache. I have never known sweet affectionate love. I don't get it! Never did! We slept in separate rooms, we just didn't connect.
Don't know...maybe I need to learn to love another better myself...they say we get back what we put out there. But, I need a target... a love interest anyway. I have a "friend" I spend time with...she wants to go on vacation. I don't. I don't want to go on a vacation with a friend. I want to go on a vacation with a lover and that is what I need now. I want to be in-love. I like her (my friend), and I'm sorry; but, I need something else right now (she doesn't)...so. I don't get it!
I'm not complaining....I'm a little confused... and I just don't get it!
I expect more.... I expect to get what I need and to give what I need to give. I'm a loving affectionate person; but it seems people don't want love or they can't handle love and that is so amazing to me
I wish I had sweet love to receive and give back...
I guess I have a lot to learn. I'm thankful for what I had last summer. Guess I
will go to bed and dream about that.
My pen pal is fading away too..she gave me hope. I wish she would continue to write. I hope she continues to write.
I'll probably feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep.
I have never been so out of control of my life...it's probably because I want something
Oh well, I can't keep my eyes open...tomorrow is another day.
I"ll "Ask my Guides" Connecting to your Divine Support System by Sonia Choquiette....that should shed some light on the situation.
My long term X and I were always good friends. It took me years to realize I missed something I never had in my life and even today I am searching for it still - sweet affection! I want to be loved and made love to. I guess everybody does. I don't get it!
Maybe it doesn't exist for me in this life time. I don't know; apparently not. I don't get it!
I was out with a group of friends this evening. There was a lesbian couple included in the group...they were sweet together.. They were in love and it was nice to see; but it made my heart ache. I have never known sweet affectionate love. I don't get it! Never did! We slept in separate rooms, we just didn't connect.
Don't know...maybe I need to learn to love another better myself...they say we get back what we put out there. But, I need a target... a love interest anyway. I have a "friend" I spend time with...she wants to go on vacation. I don't. I don't want to go on a vacation with a friend. I want to go on a vacation with a lover and that is what I need now. I want to be in-love. I like her (my friend), and I'm sorry; but, I need something else right now (she doesn't)...so. I don't get it!
I'm not complaining....I'm a little confused... and I just don't get it!
I expect more.... I expect to get what I need and to give what I need to give. I'm a loving affectionate person; but it seems people don't want love or they can't handle love and that is so amazing to me
I wish I had sweet love to receive and give back...
I guess I have a lot to learn. I'm thankful for what I had last summer. Guess I
will go to bed and dream about that.
My pen pal is fading away too..she gave me hope. I wish she would continue to write. I hope she continues to write.
I'll probably feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep.
I have never been so out of control of my life...it's probably because I want something
Oh well, I can't keep my eyes open...tomorrow is another day.
I"ll "Ask my Guides" Connecting to your Divine Support System by Sonia Choquiette....that should shed some light on the situation.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Suspect...my ass!
Suspect, didn't he admit to choking her and snaping her neck with his forearm?Well, I'm just a little disturbed about the young man who got his bail lowered by the judge from one million to $800,000 shorted by, $250,000. His mother paid the $80,000 and now sonny boy can roam around free and the victim will never be the same.
Oh, it's because she didn't die! She laid in a ditch for 30 hours and when they found her (he lead the search party of police to the correct spot 30 hours later, thinking she was dead I guess) and she was breathing. He admitted choking her with a belt and snapping her neck with his forearm.
His attorney said the $1 million bail figure was "arbitrary and excessive" and partitioned the judge to lower it $250,000 to $800,000. His mother posted the required ten percent and he is free on bond. I am appalled...leave his ass in jail...oh but he was in solitude!
I would have left his little narrow ass in jail. The woman probably had to sell her house so sonny boy can sit around the house..
Just how ignore are some of these parents? You know it wasn't self-defense in all probablity. I would guess plain and simple committed out of anger - he snaped her neck out of anger..
Now you tell me why he has to be out of jail. Just what is he going to do between now and the time his trial begins... let his little ass stay in jail. He might as well get use to it because it's right where he is headed. Attempted murder one!
He gets to wear a electronic ankle bracelet and he is confined to within 100 feet of the mother's home. See she should have left his sorry ass in jail.
Out of remorse for his stupidity he should have said. "Mother, you keep your house, I'll stay in jail...for being so stupid". Yeah right!
In the meantime, this young girl has been robbed of her future; of her life as it should have been! Where is the justice? I ask you, where is the justice? There certainly is no remorse being shown here....not to be. Boy would I like to be on that jury!!!
The attorney's stressed that the little punk's criminal record only had one theft conviction, was relatively minor and the way he has lived his life up until now does not suggest that he will try to flee (hello, he's never been faced with prison before? where do these people come from?). The attorney said that he was a mentor and teacher and did that for a number of years without complaint? (Hello? it'a job! You know work, like we all have to do!)
Don't you just love the way they turn the perpetrator into a victim
Sorry, just don't have sympathy for the guy. And I don't care what she did or said to piss him off..no one deserves what happened to her. The guy was older, bigger, and a part time professional wrestler. After he choked her three times with his belt and snapped her neck in his forearms, he left her for dead in the park. For dead!
It's just by a miracle that authorities (lead by idiot) found her 30 hours later still breathing. I say give him life! The fact that he left her in the ditch, in the middle of the park to die (or he thought she was already dead) to me, tells me this is a dangerous person...who needs not to be out on bond. If he had remorse after this dreadful deed, why did he not run to the authorities "right away"; call an ambulance? Yeah, let's not look at the present crime, only the past thief conviction and free him from jail on bond......bullshit! The $80,000 should have gone towards the girls brain and spinal cord permanent injuries.
Haven't heard a word from the victim's family...I think I would have protested..she is in her own prison...he needs to be in prison. This wasn't an accident...he was pissed and meant to hurt her. She is a minor; he is a responsible legal aged adult who "knows better". His eyes are very cold!
Oh, it's because she didn't die! She laid in a ditch for 30 hours and when they found her (he lead the search party of police to the correct spot 30 hours later, thinking she was dead I guess) and she was breathing. He admitted choking her with a belt and snapping her neck with his forearm.
His attorney said the $1 million bail figure was "arbitrary and excessive" and partitioned the judge to lower it $250,000 to $800,000. His mother posted the required ten percent and he is free on bond. I am appalled...leave his ass in jail...oh but he was in solitude!
I would have left his little narrow ass in jail. The woman probably had to sell her house so sonny boy can sit around the house..
Just how ignore are some of these parents? You know it wasn't self-defense in all probablity. I would guess plain and simple committed out of anger - he snaped her neck out of anger..
Now you tell me why he has to be out of jail. Just what is he going to do between now and the time his trial begins... let his little ass stay in jail. He might as well get use to it because it's right where he is headed. Attempted murder one!
He gets to wear a electronic ankle bracelet and he is confined to within 100 feet of the mother's home. See she should have left his sorry ass in jail.
Out of remorse for his stupidity he should have said. "Mother, you keep your house, I'll stay in jail...for being so stupid". Yeah right!
In the meantime, this young girl has been robbed of her future; of her life as it should have been! Where is the justice? I ask you, where is the justice? There certainly is no remorse being shown here....not to be. Boy would I like to be on that jury!!!
The attorney's stressed that the little punk's criminal record only had one theft conviction, was relatively minor and the way he has lived his life up until now does not suggest that he will try to flee (hello, he's never been faced with prison before? where do these people come from?). The attorney said that he was a mentor and teacher and did that for a number of years without complaint? (Hello? it'a job! You know work, like we all have to do!)
Don't you just love the way they turn the perpetrator into a victim
Sorry, just don't have sympathy for the guy. And I don't care what she did or said to piss him off..no one deserves what happened to her. The guy was older, bigger, and a part time professional wrestler. After he choked her three times with his belt and snapped her neck in his forearms, he left her for dead in the park. For dead!
It's just by a miracle that authorities (lead by idiot) found her 30 hours later still breathing. I say give him life! The fact that he left her in the ditch, in the middle of the park to die (or he thought she was already dead) to me, tells me this is a dangerous person...who needs not to be out on bond. If he had remorse after this dreadful deed, why did he not run to the authorities "right away"; call an ambulance? Yeah, let's not look at the present crime, only the past thief conviction and free him from jail on bond......bullshit! The $80,000 should have gone towards the girls brain and spinal cord permanent injuries.
Haven't heard a word from the victim's family...I think I would have protested..she is in her own prison...he needs to be in prison. This wasn't an accident...he was pissed and meant to hurt her. She is a minor; he is a responsible legal aged adult who "knows better". His eyes are very cold!
Today Wednesday May 17, 2006.. her family is suing his family. They are only asking $100,000 in punitive and compensatory damages? She will have mecical expenses for the rest of her life...because of this idiot! The prosecutors will present their case to the grand jury. I would love to be in that jury box.
In my opinion the perpretrator is not showing remorse! He should want to suffer for what he did! Now, he continues to victimize..he is robbing his mother of her future and her dignity.
Okay, now I feel better.......I need to stop listening to the news.
Monday, May 15, 2006
"The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent"
Living the Art of Allowing - by Esther and Jerry Hicks.
I am at a point in my life where everything is perfect; yet there is an ache in my heart. Maybe I miss the love I have never received.
When I was a very young child the first "older" woman (actually girl) I fell in love with was probably in the seventh or eighth grade. I fell in love with her because she was very sweet to me. Something I had never known before. It was wonderful; I instantly loved her and thought about her all the time and mentally felt her arms around me..mentally; because physically, I never had arms around me.
I wonder why I choose a life such as this one. One where I long or love never gotten? One where I already knew what I wanted, but never got. And when someone was sweet to me, I instantly loved them forever.
Sometimes, like recently, I think be loved like that was such a novelty, I didn't know what to do with it; and I think I pushed it away. I realize now that it was a big mistake to do that; but, it was more like a reflex. and I don't quite understand why I acted in that manner. I am trying to find out?
So, I am reading many books to find out what is at my very core of being and why I choose this life; this particular life with it's heart ache.
The book states were are all vibrations of energy and we choose to come into being for a reason. My emotions give me an interpretation of who I am as a human being in relation to my non-humaness, my spiritual being.
I came forth in this human body in this space of time for a reason and it was not for the purpose of proving my worth.
A spirit coming to earth in human form comes into human consciousness, we never die; anyway, our spirit never dies, we merely move in and out of consciousness.
So now I need to become consciously aware of my ability that I have to control the actions of this journey. I must at all times remember (and it's hard because of religious and social mis-beliefs and attempt to throw we spirits off course with false truths and distractions) my purpose
I am at a point in my life where everything is perfect; yet there is an ache in my heart. Maybe I miss the love I have never received.
When I was a very young child the first "older" woman (actually girl) I fell in love with was probably in the seventh or eighth grade. I fell in love with her because she was very sweet to me. Something I had never known before. It was wonderful; I instantly loved her and thought about her all the time and mentally felt her arms around me..mentally; because physically, I never had arms around me.
I wonder why I choose a life such as this one. One where I long or love never gotten? One where I already knew what I wanted, but never got. And when someone was sweet to me, I instantly loved them forever.
Sometimes, like recently, I think be loved like that was such a novelty, I didn't know what to do with it; and I think I pushed it away. I realize now that it was a big mistake to do that; but, it was more like a reflex. and I don't quite understand why I acted in that manner. I am trying to find out?
So, I am reading many books to find out what is at my very core of being and why I choose this life; this particular life with it's heart ache.
The book states were are all vibrations of energy and we choose to come into being for a reason. My emotions give me an interpretation of who I am as a human being in relation to my non-humaness, my spiritual being.
I came forth in this human body in this space of time for a reason and it was not for the purpose of proving my worth.
A spirit coming to earth in human form comes into human consciousness, we never die; anyway, our spirit never dies, we merely move in and out of consciousness.
So now I need to become consciously aware of my ability that I have to control the actions of this journey. I must at all times remember (and it's hard because of religious and social mis-beliefs and attempt to throw we spirits off course with false truths and distractions) my purpose
Sunday, May 14, 2006
"The DNA of Healing" by Margaret Ruby
Just wanted to talk a little about this book. It is pretty much of a re-cap for me. I am aware already that our thoughts and over all mental outlook and attitudes control our health and well-being.
But, what it reminds me to do is to forget the past that each day is a new day. It reminds me that if I am spending time dwelling on the awful things that happened to me in the past, then I am not taking the time to plan my future.. so I'm just drifting along.
Two years ago the universe took over for me when I was unhappy in my life. I was more depressed than I realized. So, the universe, had me fall madly in love..she, although totally out of my reach and extremely unattainable, was the catalyst the changes in my life; the positive changes in my life.
I left a long term relationship and a few months later, I fell in love with another, and about the same time I moved away and stopped speaking to my family. All positive changes. Well, it may not sound like positive changes, but there were.
Even though I moved away, sometimes I still dwell on the past, the bad parts of my past, the negative. So, reading this book helps me to let go of the past.
From now on I will think of only positive loving thoughts and wonderful things to happen for the future. Actually, wonderful things are happening already. I have good close friends, a great condo which I love, I'm still friends with my ex and now I believe us separating actually did her a favor. So this is all good! I did not abandon anyone in the family either...they have each other and they will be fine.
So all in all I guess things are good. I'm a little hesitant about finding a lover. I want one but, I also want my freedom. If we could have a close wonderful relationship that would be cool. I just would prefer we each have our own residence that we can retreive too and call our own space. I believe that is necessary; well, I know it is what I need now. I can be faithful; that easy, I just need my space.
So, since I cannot control anyone else's behavior but my own or influence anyone else, we'll see. It's pretty much up to karma and the universe. It just would be very sweet to have someone very special. I have very special friends that I spend a lot of time doing things with; but there is something very special missing...intimacy. I love be loving....
I hope the next one is as perfect as my last one and that I am head-over-heels crazy about her. But, most of all I hope we have fun and are very comfortable while sharing mutual respect.
But, what it reminds me to do is to forget the past that each day is a new day. It reminds me that if I am spending time dwelling on the awful things that happened to me in the past, then I am not taking the time to plan my future.. so I'm just drifting along.
Two years ago the universe took over for me when I was unhappy in my life. I was more depressed than I realized. So, the universe, had me fall madly in love..she, although totally out of my reach and extremely unattainable, was the catalyst the changes in my life; the positive changes in my life.
I left a long term relationship and a few months later, I fell in love with another, and about the same time I moved away and stopped speaking to my family. All positive changes. Well, it may not sound like positive changes, but there were.
Even though I moved away, sometimes I still dwell on the past, the bad parts of my past, the negative. So, reading this book helps me to let go of the past.
From now on I will think of only positive loving thoughts and wonderful things to happen for the future. Actually, wonderful things are happening already. I have good close friends, a great condo which I love, I'm still friends with my ex and now I believe us separating actually did her a favor. So this is all good! I did not abandon anyone in the family either...they have each other and they will be fine.
So all in all I guess things are good. I'm a little hesitant about finding a lover. I want one but, I also want my freedom. If we could have a close wonderful relationship that would be cool. I just would prefer we each have our own residence that we can retreive too and call our own space. I believe that is necessary; well, I know it is what I need now. I can be faithful; that easy, I just need my space.
So, since I cannot control anyone else's behavior but my own or influence anyone else, we'll see. It's pretty much up to karma and the universe. It just would be very sweet to have someone very special. I have very special friends that I spend a lot of time doing things with; but there is something very special missing...intimacy. I love be loving....
I hope the next one is as perfect as my last one and that I am head-over-heels crazy about her. But, most of all I hope we have fun and are very comfortable while sharing mutual respect.
Emma my Rottweiller
I am so glad that Emma doesn't look like any other Rottweiler that I have ever seen. She doesn't have that big mean looking head that all the rest I have ever seen have.
She has more of a puppy look. And she is actually, very sweet when she gets to know you. She nudges her head into your leg...that' her hug.
She is a good watch dog. Some times whe cries when I leave if I had just taken her for a ride.
The other day I took her to PetSmart to get her nails trimmed. She prefers the battery powered file verses the clippers. She hates that clipping noise. She was very good so I took her up and down the aisles in the store, so she could pick out a toy. Oh and I got some great Iam's teeth cleanin teeths. She love'm and I noticed a difference immediately after the first one; her teeth were much whiter. Better breath too!
She a good girl and a good companion and is doing great for her 14 years. I bought her more treats with glucosamine chontroitin in them for her hips and joints.
So just wanted to brag about her a little bit. She been doing much better going up and down the steps too. My friends says she was just playing me for awhile. I make sure too, that I have the hall lights on, in case she just can't see as well and she was more afraid than anything.
So far, so good...she is doing fine.
She has more of a puppy look. And she is actually, very sweet when she gets to know you. She nudges her head into your leg...that' her hug.
She is a good watch dog. Some times whe cries when I leave if I had just taken her for a ride.
The other day I took her to PetSmart to get her nails trimmed. She prefers the battery powered file verses the clippers. She hates that clipping noise. She was very good so I took her up and down the aisles in the store, so she could pick out a toy. Oh and I got some great Iam's teeth cleanin teeths. She love'm and I noticed a difference immediately after the first one; her teeth were much whiter. Better breath too!
She a good girl and a good companion and is doing great for her 14 years. I bought her more treats with glucosamine chontroitin in them for her hips and joints.
So just wanted to brag about her a little bit. She been doing much better going up and down the steps too. My friends says she was just playing me for awhile. I make sure too, that I have the hall lights on, in case she just can't see as well and she was more afraid than anything.
So far, so good...she is doing fine.
Running, reading, playing
What dreary, dismal, gloomy weather! And cold! It was better earlier this morning when I ran eight miles; from home to the park and back. I literally ran into a shower, about a miles from home. It was great! I love the smells when it begins to rain.
Running, no matter what the weather, always brightens my mood. I'm reading "The DNA of Healing" by Margaret Ruby.
Our bodies listen to our thoughts and subsequently changes our DNA if we are consistent enough. Personally, I'm trying to erase the anger vibrations because those vibrations can attract situations that will make me angry. I just said the other day ..seems I attract morons. Well, if I expect to see them, I will.
I expect to be healthy and safe and I am..trust me I am grateful too. It all goes hand in hand.
Now I must leave the past right where it is...in the past. Before how can I plan my future....if I'm thinking about he past.
I would love to fall in love, only this time I want it to be an easy relaxed love. But, I wan to be very sexually attracted to her. The book suggests we keep our thoughts neutral and open and do not let past judgements creep in...in other words do not examine too closely the characteristics of others; but celebrate the wonderfulness of their being. We already know everyone is different and we all have our own idiosyncrasies. So I'm trying not to be judgmental, but lovingly embracing all of our differences; but, after all, that is what makes us who we are. And we are all unique, wonderful human beings.
I'm looking for a loving, affectionate, warm, caring person who can express her emotions.
I want to be more loving myself. I want to put out there what I want in return. I want to be sweet and loving. Not sweetening, just soft, hands touching hair, kiss on the cheek, listening heart, arms that hold you close when you want to be held or wiping the chocolate drip from the corner of your mouth after a hilling biathlon. How did I ever blow that one.... much to my regret?
I'll be more appreciative next time.... I'll be more conscious
You know I was just thinking this morning as I was running....I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't have a choice..and yet I have only spent just the past few years being true to my sexuality..hmm. Just doesn't seem right somehow.
It's hard enough finding each other.. and yet we are so worried about being cheated or getting hurt? Hey, I'm thinking...life can be pretty short.
Just think about it?
I shouldn't be talking.... I should be making the first move....shouldn't I?
It's only pain - rejection.....it's only heart ache.......nothing new......no pain ..... no gain............
Running, no matter what the weather, always brightens my mood. I'm reading "The DNA of Healing" by Margaret Ruby.
Our bodies listen to our thoughts and subsequently changes our DNA if we are consistent enough. Personally, I'm trying to erase the anger vibrations because those vibrations can attract situations that will make me angry. I just said the other day ..seems I attract morons. Well, if I expect to see them, I will.
I expect to be healthy and safe and I am..trust me I am grateful too. It all goes hand in hand.
Now I must leave the past right where it is...in the past. Before how can I plan my future....if I'm thinking about he past.
I would love to fall in love, only this time I want it to be an easy relaxed love. But, I wan to be very sexually attracted to her. The book suggests we keep our thoughts neutral and open and do not let past judgements creep in...in other words do not examine too closely the characteristics of others; but celebrate the wonderfulness of their being. We already know everyone is different and we all have our own idiosyncrasies. So I'm trying not to be judgmental, but lovingly embracing all of our differences; but, after all, that is what makes us who we are. And we are all unique, wonderful human beings.
I'm looking for a loving, affectionate, warm, caring person who can express her emotions.
I want to be more loving myself. I want to put out there what I want in return. I want to be sweet and loving. Not sweetening, just soft, hands touching hair, kiss on the cheek, listening heart, arms that hold you close when you want to be held or wiping the chocolate drip from the corner of your mouth after a hilling biathlon. How did I ever blow that one.... much to my regret?
I'll be more appreciative next time.... I'll be more conscious
You know I was just thinking this morning as I was running....I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't have a choice..and yet I have only spent just the past few years being true to my sexuality..hmm. Just doesn't seem right somehow.
It's hard enough finding each other.. and yet we are so worried about being cheated or getting hurt? Hey, I'm thinking...life can be pretty short.
Just think about it?
I shouldn't be talking.... I should be making the first move....shouldn't I?
It's only pain - rejection.....it's only heart ache.......nothing new......no pain ..... no gain............
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Hallmark Mother's Day!
Well, that's not going to happen here! If I never see her again would be too soon for me!
I know misery loves company. But truth be told; when you get right down to it...I always celebrated the day out of guilt and duty.
That's how society (in other words - religion, the true rulers of the world!) conditions us.
I bought into that crap for a lot of years (by action not by heart choice)..... then one day decided...now why should I devote my life to this woman; she's not any more important than I am. Come on... she screwed and got pregnant and had a kid. She did (somewhat) her social duty to rise the kid. Hey she had to have that man in her life and then do what "society" commands of you - HAVE CHILDREN! Like the human race is just about to become extinct! She didn't have the mind, gut or heart for it.
I already have my next life's mother picked out. I can't wait! She will be LOVING, CARING, AFFECTIONATE, NURTURING like the doctor two years ago who so lovingly puts her arms around me and held me to to her heart.....it was the most love I had ever felt....she saved my life.....I will never forget her.. .. and tomorrow in my thoughts and from my heart I will honor her......it was wonderful to feel such love....
My mother was self-aborbed, controlling, manipulating and always dying of something.. so I had my hopes up for the longest time... and finally gave up when she didn't. The dying act was only to get attention! She always had to be dramatic and the center of attention. I just don't stand it anymore. Toward the end.. I could not stand to be in the same room with her........I had to leave... I had to leave to save myself!!!
From the time was I a small kid, I knew that I was on my own. She never encouraged me; I was there to be her servant. I learned from a very early age never to ask for anything or expect anything....so I learned to become very independent.
So good riddance.....I have not spoken to any of them in almost two years.. and I hope I never do.,..
Now, have a nice Hallmark Day. Sorry, Hallmark.....I never like your cards anyway. I told my therapist one time that I used to start very early, as soon as the cards were on display to find the most mundane, neutral card I could before they all got picked over and bought. She said. "Why send her one at all?"
Wow! An ally! I didn't know that was possible? I didn't know that I could take a stand...go against god and the church? It took me three different therapist to finally convince me I need not feel guilty and that I DID NOT OWE HER ANYTHING. See right away at birth...mothers put this guilt trip on you...Oh the pain! Right away I knew I should have picked someone else...why did I do this to myself... just what lesson was I supposed to learn and I certainly think that I had learned it early on...so can I move on now......just go away!
Oh, don't worry I'm totally not mentioned...she wouldn't want to risk messing up her alliance with the other siblings.
Here's to all my friends...who are in the same situation.
Actually, I feel the best I have ever felt in my life..... I'M FREE! For the first time in my life - I'm free of HER!
Oh father's day is coming up next month. He died in '93. He had him on life support in a Catholic nursing home for three years.....Well let me tell you about him...when I was about six or eight, I don't remember exactly how old I was, We had a german shepard. He made me hold the dog while he went to get a hammer. The dog was company for me. I asked why? He snarled. "To teach the dog a lesson." It had chased the little pigs. He made me watched while he beat, until he was tired, the dog about the head. It took a while for the dog to die. I thought I was next in line! After that I knew I had to just wait out my time...until I could get the hell out of there.
This was the late fifties, there were no social services, only the "church", which was no better. We were isolated in the country, on a farm. Most of the time I was scared and depressed.
Hey I'm free now.......I'm free!
I know misery loves company. But truth be told; when you get right down to it...I always celebrated the day out of guilt and duty.
That's how society (in other words - religion, the true rulers of the world!) conditions us.
I bought into that crap for a lot of years (by action not by heart choice)..... then one day decided...now why should I devote my life to this woman; she's not any more important than I am. Come on... she screwed and got pregnant and had a kid. She did (somewhat) her social duty to rise the kid. Hey she had to have that man in her life and then do what "society" commands of you - HAVE CHILDREN! Like the human race is just about to become extinct! She didn't have the mind, gut or heart for it.
I already have my next life's mother picked out. I can't wait! She will be LOVING, CARING, AFFECTIONATE, NURTURING like the doctor two years ago who so lovingly puts her arms around me and held me to to her heart.....it was the most love I had ever felt....she saved my life.....I will never forget her.. .. and tomorrow in my thoughts and from my heart I will honor her......it was wonderful to feel such love....
My mother was self-aborbed, controlling, manipulating and always dying of something.. so I had my hopes up for the longest time... and finally gave up when she didn't. The dying act was only to get attention! She always had to be dramatic and the center of attention. I just don't stand it anymore. Toward the end.. I could not stand to be in the same room with her........I had to leave... I had to leave to save myself!!!
From the time was I a small kid, I knew that I was on my own. She never encouraged me; I was there to be her servant. I learned from a very early age never to ask for anything or expect anything....so I learned to become very independent.
So good riddance.....I have not spoken to any of them in almost two years.. and I hope I never do.,..
Now, have a nice Hallmark Day. Sorry, Hallmark.....I never like your cards anyway. I told my therapist one time that I used to start very early, as soon as the cards were on display to find the most mundane, neutral card I could before they all got picked over and bought. She said. "Why send her one at all?"
Wow! An ally! I didn't know that was possible? I didn't know that I could take a stand...go against god and the church? It took me three different therapist to finally convince me I need not feel guilty and that I DID NOT OWE HER ANYTHING. See right away at birth...mothers put this guilt trip on you...Oh the pain! Right away I knew I should have picked someone else...why did I do this to myself... just what lesson was I supposed to learn and I certainly think that I had learned it early on...so can I move on now......just go away!
Oh, don't worry I'm totally not mentioned...she wouldn't want to risk messing up her alliance with the other siblings.
Here's to all my friends...who are in the same situation.
Actually, I feel the best I have ever felt in my life..... I'M FREE! For the first time in my life - I'm free of HER!
Oh father's day is coming up next month. He died in '93. He had him on life support in a Catholic nursing home for three years.....Well let me tell you about him...when I was about six or eight, I don't remember exactly how old I was, We had a german shepard. He made me hold the dog while he went to get a hammer. The dog was company for me. I asked why? He snarled. "To teach the dog a lesson." It had chased the little pigs. He made me watched while he beat, until he was tired, the dog about the head. It took a while for the dog to die. I thought I was next in line! After that I knew I had to just wait out my time...until I could get the hell out of there.
This was the late fifties, there were no social services, only the "church", which was no better. We were isolated in the country, on a farm. Most of the time I was scared and depressed.
Hey I'm free now.......I'm free!
I dreamed about you
About 2:30 A.M. and it woke me up. You were a little girl running place to place (like across a stage, with a woman running close, as if trying to crab your hand). Your hair was pulled back, you wore a dark shaded loose fitting mid-calf length dress. Your little hands clutched together. Your eyes looking all worried. You were saying somthing....crying out, worried and tearful.
"Why do I love lose, injured little animals?" You wondered.
The women (care takers?) taking turns to run along side of you; but they couldn't crab ahold of you..and one by one dropped out of the running.
I was at a 45 degree angle...about 40 feet away. I kept calling; it was if you couldn't hear me. You were so distracted by your own thoughts..your own heartache. My heart was aching and I was out of breath - tired. I was on my knees with my arms out-stretched wanted to catch you and hold you and make you feel better, and love you...somehow you never caugh on to that idea. You finally, made a turn after the last woman dropped off and you headed towards me. Right to me you came with your arms out stretched...almost crying.
I gathered you up and felt your pain and held you close to my heart. How wonderful you felt..holding you close. How I love you. How I want to hold you like this forever. I close my eyes and tenderly kiss your hair.
In my heart I know you love the little lost, abandoned, injured animals because this is how you love yourself.
I wrap you in my arms.. and my heart bursting with love. I'm on my knees holding you. You buried you head in my shoulder. You allowed me to love you. I think you even allowed yourself to feel my love for you.
I woke up missing you. My left rib area and the back of my head near my neck (crepe) area hurting...
My heart cannot abandon you....and will not.
"Why do I love lose, injured little animals?" You wondered.
The women (care takers?) taking turns to run along side of you; but they couldn't crab ahold of you..and one by one dropped out of the running.
I was at a 45 degree angle...about 40 feet away. I kept calling; it was if you couldn't hear me. You were so distracted by your own thoughts..your own heartache. My heart was aching and I was out of breath - tired. I was on my knees with my arms out-stretched wanted to catch you and hold you and make you feel better, and love you...somehow you never caugh on to that idea. You finally, made a turn after the last woman dropped off and you headed towards me. Right to me you came with your arms out stretched...almost crying.
I gathered you up and felt your pain and held you close to my heart. How wonderful you felt..holding you close. How I love you. How I want to hold you like this forever. I close my eyes and tenderly kiss your hair.
In my heart I know you love the little lost, abandoned, injured animals because this is how you love yourself.
I wrap you in my arms.. and my heart bursting with love. I'm on my knees holding you. You buried you head in my shoulder. You allowed me to love you. I think you even allowed yourself to feel my love for you.
I woke up missing you. My left rib area and the back of my head near my neck (crepe) area hurting...
My heart cannot abandon you....and will not.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
spaces at MSN
http://spaces.msn.com/zimzoomz/PersonalSpace.aspx?_c11_BlogPart_blogpart=myspace&_c=BlogPart&_c02_owner=1
For some reason I really like the above site.. and feel more creative there....jiggly butt.
For some reason I really like the above site.. and feel more creative there....jiggly butt.
It does my heart good!
My friend is having a tough time at her work place. She didn't want me to hug her this morning when we met to ride. "It will make me cry." She said. I jumped around a little, like I needed to hug her.. it worked...she let me. "I'm crying anyway she said, come here."
I hugged her close and kissed her hair and this DID MY HEART GOOD! I have love to give. I don't think anyone hugs anyone else just for that person along. It feels very good to feel and share the hurt and want to comfort another.
She's getting emotionally beat up at work (my sweet love of last year, got beat up too. I wanted to batter the stupid ass for making her cry. How she made my heart ache for her...of all people, she didn't deserve anymore abuse. God I love her).
God, I guess it's all a part of growing up in the workplace. I had my moments too when I was starting out and men are generally assholes. They pick on easy targets (someone new and inexperience; someone they have authority over)! In my book that makes them really ass holes, not gentlemen. They are weak! It build my character, but it made my painful heart bitter. After years of being badgered, I have no empathy at all for any of them.
They'll pretty much morons to me. Just ask my friend. She loves the way I lower my voice to a growl as I drag out the pronunciation. As if they're situation is hopeless and their brain can never be fixed.. it's just "male" and they are clueless and doomed to a life of being in their own self-centered, bullying world. They have no clue that if you are in-sensitive or treat someone like shit that they are going to HATE you - forever. My father and brother were morons, cruel , and abusive assholes. I guess my mother too, she got enjoyment out of my pain. Happy mother's day.. may I never see you again...none of you.
Only my dear sweet friends deserve my love. I am always here for them, always.
Just as when I hug, it's for me too. Just as when I love; I love that of me I see in you, too. It's what makes hearts connect...sameness.
Love always,
Namaste!
I hugged her close and kissed her hair and this DID MY HEART GOOD! I have love to give. I don't think anyone hugs anyone else just for that person along. It feels very good to feel and share the hurt and want to comfort another.
She's getting emotionally beat up at work (my sweet love of last year, got beat up too. I wanted to batter the stupid ass for making her cry. How she made my heart ache for her...of all people, she didn't deserve anymore abuse. God I love her).
God, I guess it's all a part of growing up in the workplace. I had my moments too when I was starting out and men are generally assholes. They pick on easy targets (someone new and inexperience; someone they have authority over)! In my book that makes them really ass holes, not gentlemen. They are weak! It build my character, but it made my painful heart bitter. After years of being badgered, I have no empathy at all for any of them.
They'll pretty much morons to me. Just ask my friend. She loves the way I lower my voice to a growl as I drag out the pronunciation. As if they're situation is hopeless and their brain can never be fixed.. it's just "male" and they are clueless and doomed to a life of being in their own self-centered, bullying world. They have no clue that if you are in-sensitive or treat someone like shit that they are going to HATE you - forever. My father and brother were morons, cruel , and abusive assholes. I guess my mother too, she got enjoyment out of my pain. Happy mother's day.. may I never see you again...none of you.
Only my dear sweet friends deserve my love. I am always here for them, always.
Just as when I hug, it's for me too. Just as when I love; I love that of me I see in you, too. It's what makes hearts connect...sameness.
Love always,
Namaste!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Not a Hallmark Day for Me
Sunday is a day for myself. I hope it will be pleasantly warmer so I can ride a great distance through the city.
But, I have a feeling it will be chilly. So, guess I'll spend the day alone. That's okay, I'd rather be alone then with them...those on the east side, whom I have separated myself from now...for a year it's been.
I have no regrets. I did what I had to do. I could care less if they thought that I was mentally ill. At least they can't have me committed as they could in years back..that is why I had to hold the line and wait and be patient and do as I was told and keep quiet about it.
I have the power within to create my own reality and my own environment. I'm working on it. I'm thinking magical, powerful thoughts. I'll let you know, dear blog, how it all goes.
In the mean time, I'm content. In Yoga class this evening, we learned to stay in the present and be content.
Sometimes I want to cry because I feel lost. Scared! Loney! I put up a good front...but, I'm more content then anything. It's much better now, in my life, now that I am in my freedom. Alone and free.. I had to do what I had to do to survive. I had to break away from them.
I miss Teresa and dream of feeling her arms around me. Her heart so close to mine - healing. I had never felt so loved. I touched her heart and she touched mine. She save my life that day..almost two years ago. In was in that moment that my life changed; for I knew what was never given to me in my childhood or young adulthood...love, warmth, affection, encouragement, nuturing was nell and a hollow heart follows and was formed..Teresa closed it for a time. My summer 05 love stopped the hurt. Too bad, I mess up the relationship out of ignorance.
Namaste!
But, I have a feeling it will be chilly. So, guess I'll spend the day alone. That's okay, I'd rather be alone then with them...those on the east side, whom I have separated myself from now...for a year it's been.
I have no regrets. I did what I had to do. I could care less if they thought that I was mentally ill. At least they can't have me committed as they could in years back..that is why I had to hold the line and wait and be patient and do as I was told and keep quiet about it.
I have the power within to create my own reality and my own environment. I'm working on it. I'm thinking magical, powerful thoughts. I'll let you know, dear blog, how it all goes.
In the mean time, I'm content. In Yoga class this evening, we learned to stay in the present and be content.
Sometimes I want to cry because I feel lost. Scared! Loney! I put up a good front...but, I'm more content then anything. It's much better now, in my life, now that I am in my freedom. Alone and free.. I had to do what I had to do to survive. I had to break away from them.
I miss Teresa and dream of feeling her arms around me. Her heart so close to mine - healing. I had never felt so loved. I touched her heart and she touched mine. She save my life that day..almost two years ago. In was in that moment that my life changed; for I knew what was never given to me in my childhood or young adulthood...love, warmth, affection, encouragement, nuturing was nell and a hollow heart follows and was formed..Teresa closed it for a time. My summer 05 love stopped the hurt. Too bad, I mess up the relationship out of ignorance.
Namaste!
It's Late
My friend is sad; she cried at work. Hates her job and plans on getting her resume out there.
We'll have coffee in the morning and chat. No bike riding; it will probably be too cold and rainy.
I didn't go to M's on Tuesday evening. T&J didn't go, everyone went elsewhere to visit the sick. I was glad; being ready to stay in and read or watch recorded shows.
Here's hoping it warms up one of these days! Enough is enough..it's the middle of May..soon it will be Memorial day and the pools will open
Time for bed...I'll get up early..to chat!
We'll have coffee in the morning and chat. No bike riding; it will probably be too cold and rainy.
I didn't go to M's on Tuesday evening. T&J didn't go, everyone went elsewhere to visit the sick. I was glad; being ready to stay in and read or watch recorded shows.
Here's hoping it warms up one of these days! Enough is enough..it's the middle of May..soon it will be Memorial day and the pools will open
Time for bed...I'll get up early..to chat!
Book Reviews
I walked in the rain to Whole Foods, but stopped by Borders' first to page through a few books.
Scratch Mary Cheney's book. I don't care if she is family. I was not impressed with the book or her interview with Larry King. First of all, she stampers over any important political questions and then answered so netural and mutane to make the whole interview a time that in my opinion was not used well, but the same with the writing of her book.
"It's My Turn" For what I guess. The whole book is about her father...He did this; he said that da da da da. Everypage was about the old man. So, I put the book down and went on..
I was not impressed with butch Mary Cheney's appearance. And I mean butch! Her partner looks appears as a clone but only with salt and pepper hair. Their hair dos were identical. And they dressed the same. Her partner was on video not there with her...just wanted to clear that up. They have been together for fourteen years. Mary wants to write a novel next. I wish her all the best.
Okay, so much for that book, then I picked up Ted Kennedy's new book. I was so impressed I have already forgotten the title to it. But, I remember the contents; of course, I knew I could have written the book.. it was all common knowledge. He recaped alot of history, how his brother Bobby fought for minority voting right and general equal rights. He went on to state the problems of the country complete with charts of minimum wage standards from the last, at least, thirty years. She spoke of women still not making equal pay, he wants equal protection and right bestowed upon minorities and gays. He wants a better healthy plan for the whole country. But, he offered no suggestions. Besides even if he did come up with a bill to correct the social inequalities of America the house and senate would not pass it anyway; and if they did Bush head would probably veto it.
Personally, I believe that both parties are pro business and "who-cares-about the middle class". The middle class is shrinking rapidly.
I told Ted Kennedy is pro business because he never said one negative thing about off-shoring and out-sourcing. So, I put that book down and went on ..
I paged through Jane Fonda's book. She looks good. In my opinion I think she looks the best she ever looked. I love the lines..she was sweet caring eyes.
At one point in the book towards the end, she talks about living in Georgia and helping young girls avoid teen pregnancy. She said one in four young girls are molested and abused and most then become pregnant.
She visited a work center for young teenage girls who work while pregnant. One gal was in the beginning stages of labor. Her eyes were sad Jane Fonda said. And said she wished she would have kissed her and hugged her, for twenty years. Reading that made me want to cry. I guess I'm that sensitive too - to eyes. To seeing the sadness hidden in the eyes.
I had a love with sad eyes..I knew everything before she even told me. It was in her eyes. How I loved loving her. My heart wanted to heal her heart and share her pain. I miss her. I shared her pain; she made me feel so needed. It was very endearing for me. I wish I could have her back in my life...just to listen.. maybe to offer advice. I love her. She told me she wasn't what I had made her to be in my head...but she is. I love her because she isn't perfect; just who is? I think she is wonderfully successful and she should be very proud of herself. I pray she is loved because she deserves to be loved. I wish she needed me.
I wish her the best.
So much for my book reviews. Jane Fonda wins out. I almost bought it.. But, figured I got the jest of the book. I live in a small condo....I have to many books stacked all over already.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)