okay It's 11:55 Pm New Year's Eve and I'm drunk...but at home! I"m listening to popular rock/rap station..is there such a thing!
I prayed for a magical day and I had one. I decided to write again..to write my memoirs...and then my two dear friends called me today. I love them dearly! I told them so tonight!
I was at the bar and they called me. I called them back. They wondered where I was. I told them. They were on their way to a brother-in-law's brother's house. Oops! It much be midnight because I heard fireworks!
I love my friends. I love them dearly. I'm a little drunk; yes, but I'm at home listening to 101.1..mostly rap.. Oh I said that.
Anyway they are in Illinois and promised to take care of each other; liked they took care of me. They promised to stay there if necessary. I told them to watch out for Illinois driver.....then we all realized we all three were from Illinois. That's when I told them that I loved them and missed them.
Today earlier in the afternoon when I talked to them on cell; they said they talked about me every day...I told them that I don't mind at all. That they were probably thinking of me because I was thinking of them.
God I love this music...."Oh baby when you talk like that...." I love this stuff! 101.1 FM is playing music commercial interruption free tonight. I am hearing fireworks that is lighting up the cloudy windy skies.
I am higher than a kite and having a blast. I am so high on my friends; especially the two who keep calling me all the time. ... I love them. I want to be with them.. I miss them! They are adorable!
Do I ever love this new music!....too cool! If you are in St. Louis.. listen to 101.1 FM ...too much! Actually the bar; the "N" bar I just came from was playing this stuff....they could have just turned on 101.1 FM and turned it loose....commercial free!
Too cool! I am having a blast by myself at home.....buzzed...listening to this cool stuff, hearing the wind....glad that I'm home.. listening to the fire works....it's 12:09 AM 2007 now.... I had a great time this evening with my friends of a long time....my friend when L and I were together and met them together. She is doing okay I think...you know I worry about everyone.
Anyway Sandra made me feel good...she pointed out a girl and said I should go after her.....later I did ask her to dance...she said she was going after a drink a to ask her later.... I saw her later and merely smiled....she'll be around again...... She was with friends and talking a mile a minute...but I'll see her again.....who knows maybe next Friday... Sandra said she seems more mature.. so I should go after her...... hey, I trust my friends judgement and it's a compliment that she even said that to me.
God, 101.1 FM is too cool....commercial free...continuous music....too cool! If the bar was smart they would just tune in to that station and let it go.....I noticed that this sound as a Stevie Wonder background and is too damn fucking cool!... too cool a stevie wonder...superstitious baby......background.. too cool!
OKay,....think I"ll get myself something to eat....at home.....too superstitous baby......steve wonder background with women singing foreground...totally different words....too cool.
I love this station!
Have a very happy new year......hey universe please keep my friends and the all the people I love healthy, happy, loved, safe....injury free in the new year 2007.... I love them all. Those who think of me..all the time.... I love them....
Hey and thanks for all of my many blessings and favors and magical moments of love in the past years and now for 2007.. thank you.. please keep me injury, illness, accident free....thank you for my youthfulness, my friends, for keeping me healthy, wealthy and wise. I love A & A .. can I see them soon.. I miss them very much! Thank you for their love and L&C's love too. They are all precious and mean the world to me.. hey and universe... please take care of my Emma, the rottweiller's spirit....I know that by now she is probably a happy bouncing puppy by now....chasing and playing with little kittie kats. I miss her. I hope I did good by her..... and know I did.....
Oh, the station is playing another wonderful song.....thank you for my friends. Please keep A&A safe and L&C safe and the rest of them... Please make 1/20 lazer taz a successful and magical moment.. please watch over ironwwoman.. I appreciate her....but I'm not in love with her.... please help her understand....that someone else is in my heart....someone else is waiting for me....to love them..and for them to love me......
Have a wonderful new year......it's time to eat.. it's 12:22 AM...I'm at home... not to worry...I'm safe at home.....
Good night!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Happy New Year!
It's raining at 6:00 AM. I could stay home this evening and be perfectly happy. New Years eve is over rating and plainly down right expensive and even dangerous.
But, a movie close by shouldn't go too bad, and then the bar until ten; before it gets totally nuts.
I am still in my state of confusion and it seems this state is lasting a long time. When am I going to evolve into something wise, beautiful and loving? Am I afraid of love? Is that why I don't have it? Do I know how to be loved and set boundaries on my freedom and self expression. If my mother and family taught me what I know about love then I am sincerely in trouble. My mother was cold and demanding of service and companionship at my expense. So now I associate being loved with serving and losing myself enmeshing into my partner's ways and environment.
It's why, for a while at least, my afternoon lover worked out. She came here. I felt in control. But, now I know she wants more. She's lonely working and living with husband and visiting grandson. But, she and I are not a match maybe in bed but not socially.
We are not alike and I am not drawn. I am going to have to end this in all fairness to her and me. But, I desperately will miss the touch and holding. Oh how my heart will ache! My mind will bend...I'll begin to do crazy things and take changes for the want and touch of a woman. Lord help me please.
I've only first come to be with women fulfilling in the past two years. I pray for help! I pray for an angel to satisfy my life long never ending hunger. I was so denied - for years!
But, time begins now..this moment. Time to the universe and spirit world is so different then time on earth. To the universe many years can past in a second. I feel time is passing very quickly and that I am not making progress. Where is the love of my life. I mean one that I can actually have and kiss, touch and hold close to my heart over nights and days and dreams. I need her badly. I did/do (whatever) have a love and she makes my heart ache but I have to get over her. Too bad...for she is so much like me and we talk easily and I miss her terribly when I don't. She cares about me too. I guess what we have we what we have..it's not romantic love..but love I know. If only I could fine an older version of her.
Several months past I prayed for sex (because I already loved - yes, the one I just spoke about) and I got it. Now, I want the whole package. I'll take that chance once again. I want to be in love and her love me too. Our relationship needs to be natural not forced. Will, I ever find such a love? Will we be fun together?
When I'm out with my afternoon one, I'm not interesting or adventurous because I'm not in love. she doesn't knock my socks off. I want to be head-over-heels in love. See, she and I got together for the physicals..when I prayed for sex - I got it.
Now I'm praying for a two way love to enter my life. A romantic love where we love to be together, touch, kiss, and make love. If you don't have that...you don't have interest and affection and want the warmth of her company. I want to feel the warmth, mystery, humor, wonderfulness of her company. I want to feel like touching her all the time. God, I want and need to be in love; but this time, I want her to love me back. I need her to love me too and be very sweet, adorable, loving, affectionate, thoughtful with a wonderful sweet smile, blond hair, or light brown.. pretty casual youthful hair and full of consideration. My qualities exactly. I want a close to mirror image of myself. Why not? For a lasting relationship I feel we need to be very compatible, care free and happy with time to spend together; relaxed time...not hurried or distracted. I expect her very soon! She will have a wonderful body too and be feminine and healthy, firm and youthful. ...but I'm not jealous. We will be happy and neither she nor I will have any hang-ups..only wonderful loving love. Please God, help me with this request. I have a lot of love to give.. and I want to receive and give it.
But, a movie close by shouldn't go too bad, and then the bar until ten; before it gets totally nuts.
I am still in my state of confusion and it seems this state is lasting a long time. When am I going to evolve into something wise, beautiful and loving? Am I afraid of love? Is that why I don't have it? Do I know how to be loved and set boundaries on my freedom and self expression. If my mother and family taught me what I know about love then I am sincerely in trouble. My mother was cold and demanding of service and companionship at my expense. So now I associate being loved with serving and losing myself enmeshing into my partner's ways and environment.
It's why, for a while at least, my afternoon lover worked out. She came here. I felt in control. But, now I know she wants more. She's lonely working and living with husband and visiting grandson. But, she and I are not a match maybe in bed but not socially.
We are not alike and I am not drawn. I am going to have to end this in all fairness to her and me. But, I desperately will miss the touch and holding. Oh how my heart will ache! My mind will bend...I'll begin to do crazy things and take changes for the want and touch of a woman. Lord help me please.
I've only first come to be with women fulfilling in the past two years. I pray for help! I pray for an angel to satisfy my life long never ending hunger. I was so denied - for years!
But, time begins now..this moment. Time to the universe and spirit world is so different then time on earth. To the universe many years can past in a second. I feel time is passing very quickly and that I am not making progress. Where is the love of my life. I mean one that I can actually have and kiss, touch and hold close to my heart over nights and days and dreams. I need her badly. I did/do (whatever) have a love and she makes my heart ache but I have to get over her. Too bad...for she is so much like me and we talk easily and I miss her terribly when I don't. She cares about me too. I guess what we have we what we have..it's not romantic love..but love I know. If only I could fine an older version of her.
Several months past I prayed for sex (because I already loved - yes, the one I just spoke about) and I got it. Now, I want the whole package. I'll take that chance once again. I want to be in love and her love me too. Our relationship needs to be natural not forced. Will, I ever find such a love? Will we be fun together?
When I'm out with my afternoon one, I'm not interesting or adventurous because I'm not in love. she doesn't knock my socks off. I want to be head-over-heels in love. See, she and I got together for the physicals..when I prayed for sex - I got it.
Now I'm praying for a two way love to enter my life. A romantic love where we love to be together, touch, kiss, and make love. If you don't have that...you don't have interest and affection and want the warmth of her company. I want to feel the warmth, mystery, humor, wonderfulness of her company. I want to feel like touching her all the time. God, I want and need to be in love; but this time, I want her to love me back. I need her to love me too and be very sweet, adorable, loving, affectionate, thoughtful with a wonderful sweet smile, blond hair, or light brown.. pretty casual youthful hair and full of consideration. My qualities exactly. I want a close to mirror image of myself. Why not? For a lasting relationship I feel we need to be very compatible, care free and happy with time to spend together; relaxed time...not hurried or distracted. I expect her very soon! She will have a wonderful body too and be feminine and healthy, firm and youthful. ...but I'm not jealous. We will be happy and neither she nor I will have any hang-ups..only wonderful loving love. Please God, help me with this request. I have a lot of love to give.. and I want to receive and give it.
Lots more rain on its way..
It's raining rather heavily now. With lots more to come. I'm going to sleep listening to the rain. I love to listen to the rain.
I'll thank the universe for my blessings, so many of them. I'll lie there and pray for the safety of my friends and the people of love who are out and about this evening driving in this stuff.
Please keep my love safe...you know who I mean. Watch over her guardian angels.
Also, please keep the good doctor safe..she's an angel!
Thank you for my common sense, my safety, my spirituality, my guardian spirits guides, my pain free active strong existence. My youthfulness. I am so blessed and I truly appreciate it. thank you for my safety and good health and freedom of injury. If it is meant for me to stay home tomorrow evening...let me know and I won't go out. I truly do not need to go out anyway.
Be safe my loves.
I'll thank the universe for my blessings, so many of them. I'll lie there and pray for the safety of my friends and the people of love who are out and about this evening driving in this stuff.
Please keep my love safe...you know who I mean. Watch over her guardian angels.
Also, please keep the good doctor safe..she's an angel!
Thank you for my common sense, my safety, my spirituality, my guardian spirits guides, my pain free active strong existence. My youthfulness. I am so blessed and I truly appreciate it. thank you for my safety and good health and freedom of injury. If it is meant for me to stay home tomorrow evening...let me know and I won't go out. I truly do not need to go out anyway.
Be safe my loves.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
It's almost midnight...
I had a nice informative evening watching on cable "Why We Fight"! Catch it if you can...Back in believe in 1961 when Dwight D Eisenhower left the presidency he publicly warned in his parting address about the dangers of the military industrial war machine. In other words..war for profit.
Then came Nixon and Vietnam..start before Kennedy came into office by the war machine. Was Kennedy in the way?
Vietnam lasted for eleven years with the draft.
This time there is no draft; but, major incentives and bonuses give young poor uneducated men an opportunity for education and money..at a high price. This war too I believe will go on for a long time...seven military basis will be permanent in the Middle East. We are there to stay.
In 1991 Cheney was CEO of Kellogg Brown corporation whose job was to clean up during and after wars. Cheney made lots of money.
Now there Haliburton. Watch "Why We Fight" and get a totally different perspective than what you see and hear on the nightly preprogrammed propaganda news.
The whole reason for going to war in Iraq was a lame as could be. Why Rumsfeld and Cheney were about laughing..they knew they had it wrapped up. On Colin Power looked like he didn't want any part of it.
Both sides of the isle in Congress signed the right over to go to war to the president...big business demands lots of favors.
It's a fascinating documentary but part of the American culture. The corporate world is now global in every country with no concerns for life in regards to pollution and global warming because there is big business and large profits to be made with oil.
This country demands the most in middle eastern oil...well so we can drive the biggest ever built vehicles..It's unbelievably amazing to me how easily people can be bought and guided by propaganda and commercials. Totally amazing to me. People do not want to analyze or think for themselves and its a good thing soldiers don't want to...it's better if they don't.. especially if they have any sort of a conscious left at all.
Oh well, it all works! It is what make the world go around well for a little while longer anyway. It's what make the stock market prosper and the share holders get rich.
Life is so amazing..
I try to remember to live in the moment and not think too much or too hard about anything...just go with the flow. And don't count of anyone or anything..it's all fluid. A passing process. An ever flowing river of change. No day is like another.
Then came Nixon and Vietnam..start before Kennedy came into office by the war machine. Was Kennedy in the way?
Vietnam lasted for eleven years with the draft.
This time there is no draft; but, major incentives and bonuses give young poor uneducated men an opportunity for education and money..at a high price. This war too I believe will go on for a long time...seven military basis will be permanent in the Middle East. We are there to stay.
In 1991 Cheney was CEO of Kellogg Brown corporation whose job was to clean up during and after wars. Cheney made lots of money.
Now there Haliburton. Watch "Why We Fight" and get a totally different perspective than what you see and hear on the nightly preprogrammed propaganda news.
The whole reason for going to war in Iraq was a lame as could be. Why Rumsfeld and Cheney were about laughing..they knew they had it wrapped up. On Colin Power looked like he didn't want any part of it.
Both sides of the isle in Congress signed the right over to go to war to the president...big business demands lots of favors.
It's a fascinating documentary but part of the American culture. The corporate world is now global in every country with no concerns for life in regards to pollution and global warming because there is big business and large profits to be made with oil.
This country demands the most in middle eastern oil...well so we can drive the biggest ever built vehicles..It's unbelievably amazing to me how easily people can be bought and guided by propaganda and commercials. Totally amazing to me. People do not want to analyze or think for themselves and its a good thing soldiers don't want to...it's better if they don't.. especially if they have any sort of a conscious left at all.
Oh well, it all works! It is what make the world go around well for a little while longer anyway. It's what make the stock market prosper and the share holders get rich.
Life is so amazing..
I try to remember to live in the moment and not think too much or too hard about anything...just go with the flow. And don't count of anyone or anything..it's all fluid. A passing process. An ever flowing river of change. No day is like another.
So much for predictions
I thought it was supposed to rain like hell today? The prediction is four inches and the chances are 90%. It's bone dry! Wrong again!
What a job...maybe I should have been a weather person. You can't go wrong....just blame it on nature or god if you are wrong....and I would never be wrong..nature just changed its mind.
Hopefully, I get up early enough to swim in the morning. Or a least do yoga.
Think I'll sketch.... or do a little yoga... maybe yoga first. I have already played my guitar and tried to sing but my heart wasn't in it. Maybe sketching and yoga will go better.
What a job...maybe I should have been a weather person. You can't go wrong....just blame it on nature or god if you are wrong....and I would never be wrong..nature just changed its mind.
Hopefully, I get up early enough to swim in the morning. Or a least do yoga.
Think I'll sketch.... or do a little yoga... maybe yoga first. I have already played my guitar and tried to sing but my heart wasn't in it. Maybe sketching and yoga will go better.
I know she means well; she called this morning early to wake me to run...I told her a couple days before I wouldn't run. She said it was warm and dry. If I would have gone it would have been with the usual group and not the special run...I guess she didn't know that.
I'm a mess! Everything is crashing down on me I feel. Well, I'm a little worried about an event that I'm planning or making the arrangements for... I feel people are bailing..or will bail.. What can I do? I'll ask for advice next week with the group gets together.
Why do I fall in love with people I cannot have? Why can't I have a warm, loving, wonderful relationship. I want to be in love! I want to be loved! But, I feel I mess everything up.
I don't know how to receive love. I don't know how to ask for what I need. Can I make someone love me? I know I can't "make" someone love me. I need help.
Life is quite amusing..
I'm having sex with her; but, I'm not in love with her and she is expecting more...I don't have more to give. One day soon, I won't have the warm body to hold close. I won't be touched. It will kill me...It will kill me.
I don't know what to do! How do I meet someone that is like me. I wish I could fall in love. In October I asked for sex.. I got it. I asked for sex because I already was in love with someone else....Oh she is much too young; she would be insane to even want me. But, it seems she and I are so much alike. I would do anything for her. I just wanted to be with her. But, can't have her......and that's life.
So, I got exactly what I asked for...sex. She wanted it too! It was just for sex...because to be casual non committing. We've seen each other ocassionally for four months. It doesn't seem that long... It's getting involved...unspokenly so..she expects more...and I can't give it. Just what kind of a creature am I?
I need her physically... but she is not for me. Help me! Universe! I need help! I don't want to hurt her. Please help me!
I need a magical event. I need a guardian angel to help me. I need the universe to help me. Please! I don't want to hurt her ...or anyone. I just need advise and help. I need the universe to find someone suitable..perfect for me. I want to be in love and she me....I'm a good person. I just need your help.
I'm a mess! Everything is crashing down on me I feel. Well, I'm a little worried about an event that I'm planning or making the arrangements for... I feel people are bailing..or will bail.. What can I do? I'll ask for advice next week with the group gets together.
Why do I fall in love with people I cannot have? Why can't I have a warm, loving, wonderful relationship. I want to be in love! I want to be loved! But, I feel I mess everything up.
I don't know how to receive love. I don't know how to ask for what I need. Can I make someone love me? I know I can't "make" someone love me. I need help.
Life is quite amusing..
I'm having sex with her; but, I'm not in love with her and she is expecting more...I don't have more to give. One day soon, I won't have the warm body to hold close. I won't be touched. It will kill me...It will kill me.
I don't know what to do! How do I meet someone that is like me. I wish I could fall in love. In October I asked for sex.. I got it. I asked for sex because I already was in love with someone else....Oh she is much too young; she would be insane to even want me. But, it seems she and I are so much alike. I would do anything for her. I just wanted to be with her. But, can't have her......and that's life.
So, I got exactly what I asked for...sex. She wanted it too! It was just for sex...because to be casual non committing. We've seen each other ocassionally for four months. It doesn't seem that long... It's getting involved...unspokenly so..she expects more...and I can't give it. Just what kind of a creature am I?
I need her physically... but she is not for me. Help me! Universe! I need help! I don't want to hurt her. Please help me!
I need a magical event. I need a guardian angel to help me. I need the universe to help me. Please! I don't want to hurt her ...or anyone. I just need advise and help. I need the universe to find someone suitable..perfect for me. I want to be in love and she me....I'm a good person. I just need your help.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Just things....
First of all...my sweet young friend called today to see how I was in the aftermath of Emma's demise. We chatted for a while. I love her. I hope we always stay in touch. Hopefully she'll make it to Saturday morning breakfast. If not maybe they both can come on the 7th to watch the start of the new season for "The Office". They are both trying to save money..so we'll keep our activities low key.
I had a great time earlier today running (ten miles), swimming for forty minutes, and working out for about 20 minutes before running back home.
I'm listening to Deva Premal's "The Essence". It's wonderful background soothing music for yoga, sketching or writing; or just dreaming and becoming sentimental.
Talk about sentimental! I cried at the informational commercial announcements of our local new broadcaster retiring after anchoring the evenings news for 27 years. You would have thought she died. But, ever the classy elegant lady she maintained her com posture while her co-anchor, Mike, practically weep ed openly on her final broadcast showing. I think this city will truly miss her. She was very sweet with her granddaughter. Yes a lady of class! Good luck!
I just thought I would write a few lines before I play my guitar than sketch. I want to dig out a back-up CD that has the file of the lesbian book was I working on. It's a mystery love story.
Okay, let's see what else? My state, Missouri, is hot and heavy about banning cloning..They are the "Right to life" people who like to play god. Yeah, forget about it will you? We all have consciousness...and brains..let us make our own "personal" decisions. It's my heave and it's my hell...let me be responsible for my own moral decisions. You? You take care of your own self and I'll do the same..Pam Fichter of Warson Woods..stuff it! Stop writing those ridiculous newspaper articles.. and go adopt a child or two..that you are wanting people to birth and then give up if they do not have the capacity to care for them. Stop playing GOD!
What amazes me is that people and lawmakers just don't come up with and vote into law certain bills; but, want to permanently make them a part of the state or federal constitution. Why? And of course these bill and potential new laws and amendments are against gay marriage (of course). Hey, if you don't believe in gay marriage then don't marry a member of the same sex. Stop playing GOD!
Same with the cloning..actually, the bill was written up as an stem-cell research bill that I am very much in favor of. But, it appears Pam and others in the state sharing the same views do not care one ounce (not until a member of their family or a love one is affected) about curing illness and spinal cord injuries. The hell with the living in that particular area. And just how many people do you think really want to be clones....yeah, little Hitlers running around all over the place! Such bull! Yes, in order to create many of the cures for illnesses and disease a cloning of cells is performed..it's been happening all along with certain types of skin crafts. Yes, a mouse can grow an ear on it's back. This is the miracle in motion of our human intelligence. This is how we make good use of the use of our intellect; to do less would be an insult to our creative nature. It is what we were born to do progress.
Speaking of progressing! I believe as a society in general we are failing miserably in social progression. We are still prejudice, racist, egoistical, greedy as hell (Example: corporate heads and government leaders..oh..I see they are mostly all old white gray headed males - assholes). Why can we not see the world as a whole? Why can we not see the human race as a whole? Why can be not think of future generations and the people already here who have to breath filthy air and watch the glaciers melt and polar bears die because of global warming? Why can't we (or rather they, I can see the big picture myself) see how we are destroying the earth? Why must big oil, government and big auto want to burn up all the oil that is in the ground...it's dirty..leave it there. Instead, go to wind electricity..it's free! But, if it's free then the big three, government and oil who have all been in skull and bones cahoots since old man Bush first got into business and even politicians before him. It's all for the almighty buck! The hell with the human population in general. Oh whats a few thousand dead and even more than that amputee soldiers. Hey, Wall Street and stock holder shares need big profits so big CEO's can make millions and have houses all over the country and the world. Just how much money do they need before they start pumping money back into society to the poor? Greedy sons-of-bitches.
Why are people so greedy and stupid? A man sitting next to an ape; both are smoking cigarettes in a designated smoking area (now at the zoo there are only three). The ape turns to the human and says. "I'm a dumb ape - what's your excuse?" (taken from the Post-Dispatch).
Why can't we all make efforts to get along and do what is best for our health and our environment? Are we that stupid, stubborn, and weak?
And stop buying and drinking those stupid looking humongous super-sized SUV's and truck. Just how stupid do you want to look? It must take you at least eighty bucks to fill up the tank twice a week. And average size (normal size) automobiles must have surround the cabin airbags to protect us from your dumb asses because you drink these monster trucks like your god and come charging down the highway in killing machines. "Oh, I feel really powerful in my big truck". I say fuck you and your ass stupid narrow minded truck. Men don't have the brains to be driving something that powerful. They are drinking killing tanks. If you want to kill someone go to Iraq and when you get there ask any politician you may find (and you won't) if their son or daughter is there serving. Are you kidding? Do you think they are stupid?
Serving your country! You mean serving the oil industry, Haliburton and Cheney and cronies (much like clonies...all there for the money...you'll never see).
Okay, I'm done ranting for one day....
I had a great time earlier today running (ten miles), swimming for forty minutes, and working out for about 20 minutes before running back home.
I'm listening to Deva Premal's "The Essence". It's wonderful background soothing music for yoga, sketching or writing; or just dreaming and becoming sentimental.
Talk about sentimental! I cried at the informational commercial announcements of our local new broadcaster retiring after anchoring the evenings news for 27 years. You would have thought she died. But, ever the classy elegant lady she maintained her com posture while her co-anchor, Mike, practically weep ed openly on her final broadcast showing. I think this city will truly miss her. She was very sweet with her granddaughter. Yes a lady of class! Good luck!
I just thought I would write a few lines before I play my guitar than sketch. I want to dig out a back-up CD that has the file of the lesbian book was I working on. It's a mystery love story.
Okay, let's see what else? My state, Missouri, is hot and heavy about banning cloning..They are the "Right to life" people who like to play god. Yeah, forget about it will you? We all have consciousness...and brains..let us make our own "personal" decisions. It's my heave and it's my hell...let me be responsible for my own moral decisions. You? You take care of your own self and I'll do the same..Pam Fichter of Warson Woods..stuff it! Stop writing those ridiculous newspaper articles.. and go adopt a child or two..that you are wanting people to birth and then give up if they do not have the capacity to care for them. Stop playing GOD!
What amazes me is that people and lawmakers just don't come up with and vote into law certain bills; but, want to permanently make them a part of the state or federal constitution. Why? And of course these bill and potential new laws and amendments are against gay marriage (of course). Hey, if you don't believe in gay marriage then don't marry a member of the same sex. Stop playing GOD!
Same with the cloning..actually, the bill was written up as an stem-cell research bill that I am very much in favor of. But, it appears Pam and others in the state sharing the same views do not care one ounce (not until a member of their family or a love one is affected) about curing illness and spinal cord injuries. The hell with the living in that particular area. And just how many people do you think really want to be clones....yeah, little Hitlers running around all over the place! Such bull! Yes, in order to create many of the cures for illnesses and disease a cloning of cells is performed..it's been happening all along with certain types of skin crafts. Yes, a mouse can grow an ear on it's back. This is the miracle in motion of our human intelligence. This is how we make good use of the use of our intellect; to do less would be an insult to our creative nature. It is what we were born to do progress.
Speaking of progressing! I believe as a society in general we are failing miserably in social progression. We are still prejudice, racist, egoistical, greedy as hell (Example: corporate heads and government leaders..oh..I see they are mostly all old white gray headed males - assholes). Why can we not see the world as a whole? Why can we not see the human race as a whole? Why can be not think of future generations and the people already here who have to breath filthy air and watch the glaciers melt and polar bears die because of global warming? Why can't we (or rather they, I can see the big picture myself) see how we are destroying the earth? Why must big oil, government and big auto want to burn up all the oil that is in the ground...it's dirty..leave it there. Instead, go to wind electricity..it's free! But, if it's free then the big three, government and oil who have all been in skull and bones cahoots since old man Bush first got into business and even politicians before him. It's all for the almighty buck! The hell with the human population in general. Oh whats a few thousand dead and even more than that amputee soldiers. Hey, Wall Street and stock holder shares need big profits so big CEO's can make millions and have houses all over the country and the world. Just how much money do they need before they start pumping money back into society to the poor? Greedy sons-of-bitches.
Why are people so greedy and stupid? A man sitting next to an ape; both are smoking cigarettes in a designated smoking area (now at the zoo there are only three). The ape turns to the human and says. "I'm a dumb ape - what's your excuse?" (taken from the Post-Dispatch).
Why can't we all make efforts to get along and do what is best for our health and our environment? Are we that stupid, stubborn, and weak?
And stop buying and drinking those stupid looking humongous super-sized SUV's and truck. Just how stupid do you want to look? It must take you at least eighty bucks to fill up the tank twice a week. And average size (normal size) automobiles must have surround the cabin airbags to protect us from your dumb asses because you drink these monster trucks like your god and come charging down the highway in killing machines. "Oh, I feel really powerful in my big truck". I say fuck you and your ass stupid narrow minded truck. Men don't have the brains to be driving something that powerful. They are drinking killing tanks. If you want to kill someone go to Iraq and when you get there ask any politician you may find (and you won't) if their son or daughter is there serving. Are you kidding? Do you think they are stupid?
Serving your country! You mean serving the oil industry, Haliburton and Cheney and cronies (much like clonies...all there for the money...you'll never see).
Okay, I'm done ranting for one day....
Thursday, December 28, 2006
In a way..
there is a slight sense of freedom..but I miss my dog. Walking with her was good exercise for her but towards the end she could hardly do steps and her bladder control was failing and the medications didn't help. The poor thing was in misery.
So, I'll go on missing her. I'm not quite ready for another dog. What if I'm disappointed? What if the new dog isn't as smart as she was?
Have you ever been to tried to get yourself ready to go to bed? I'm beat? It's been a tough week.
I never had a relationship with a woman that was very intense..well I was with men. But, I had best friends (women) and we did everything together; but, then she went out with men. She had a boyfriend and my heart ached.
Sometimes life is truly a mess. I so envy wonderful romantic relationships. I guess they can happen at any age.. I have no idea! I'm lost in the forest. I have no idea if I'm coming or going.
I only know that I want to move forward. I want a loving, warm, caring, very sexual relationship. Only once have I been in love and having sex with the same woman. It was truly magical, truly!
I wonder if it will ever happen again...in this life time I mean!
I'm stressing out here. No really I don't expect anything else. But, see that's my mistake I expect relationships to be "off" at best. I should expect wonderful, feminine, loving, sexy, caring, with luscious hair and body, love. Why not? It's my reality! It's my creation!
Maybe that is why each relationship sours? I expect it too!
Well, no longer. I am changing my expectations and intentions. It's in the air. It's coming! I know it is.
So, I'll go on missing her. I'm not quite ready for another dog. What if I'm disappointed? What if the new dog isn't as smart as she was?
Have you ever been to tried to get yourself ready to go to bed? I'm beat? It's been a tough week.
I never had a relationship with a woman that was very intense..well I was with men. But, I had best friends (women) and we did everything together; but, then she went out with men. She had a boyfriend and my heart ached.
Sometimes life is truly a mess. I so envy wonderful romantic relationships. I guess they can happen at any age.. I have no idea! I'm lost in the forest. I have no idea if I'm coming or going.
I only know that I want to move forward. I want a loving, warm, caring, very sexual relationship. Only once have I been in love and having sex with the same woman. It was truly magical, truly!
I wonder if it will ever happen again...in this life time I mean!
I'm stressing out here. No really I don't expect anything else. But, see that's my mistake I expect relationships to be "off" at best. I should expect wonderful, feminine, loving, sexy, caring, with luscious hair and body, love. Why not? It's my reality! It's my creation!
Maybe that is why each relationship sours? I expect it too!
Well, no longer. I am changing my expectations and intentions. It's in the air. It's coming! I know it is.
I miss my dog!
It's just weird without her here! There is a "presence" missing. I'm trying to adjust...it's tough!
My afternoon delight is supposed to be here soon..she's running late! Today, I need her badly!
It seems people in relationship forget or don't care about the needs of another (not her - I'm speaking of the past). Even with men; they had their schedule and if you aren't scheduled, the heck with your personal needs.
I miss A very much today. I just need stability today...don't have it. I'm in limbo once against - reality has punched me in the gut..so I need to adjust - somehow. Partying comes to mind. God I miss her today. She would invite me to the club where I could drink a bit and dance and be in the moment!
Being in the moment is key...don't think about anything painful from yesterday or the day before..just party. Don't plan on or even dream about the future - it's out of our hands anyway.
Yes, I had a drink..I ate..it's wearing off. Did you know alcohol is great for gas? really? I had an Accel gel and if I don't work it off or have one every day for a few days the whey protein in them catches up with me..alcohol (one drink) cuts right through it. No kidding!
It is a little after noon and I had not had anything substantial to eat yet today....so I had sauage, cheese, green pepper and some reall good bread I just bought this morning...very good!
I am about to get onto the online dating racket and see if I can find someone.. My friend T is suppose (I hope) to see if she can fix me up with M, a woman at her work.
Hey, I'm fine.. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through stuff like this in the past! I feel 35 and I have the energy of a 35 year old or younger. I just can't compete! And woman my age or a WRECK! Oh let's be hontest just one time....or some me.....show me you are a shapely size 8, you stand up straight, you have a smart ass attitude and know you look fucking good and you have either light brown or blonde hair. I take that back; I have seen some very classy ladies with all white or gray hair...but they were classy! Efficence on CLASSY! That means trim, shapely proud and loving.
My afternoon delight is supposed to be here soon..she's running late! Today, I need her badly!
It seems people in relationship forget or don't care about the needs of another (not her - I'm speaking of the past). Even with men; they had their schedule and if you aren't scheduled, the heck with your personal needs.
I miss A very much today. I just need stability today...don't have it. I'm in limbo once against - reality has punched me in the gut..so I need to adjust - somehow. Partying comes to mind. God I miss her today. She would invite me to the club where I could drink a bit and dance and be in the moment!
Being in the moment is key...don't think about anything painful from yesterday or the day before..just party. Don't plan on or even dream about the future - it's out of our hands anyway.
Yes, I had a drink..I ate..it's wearing off. Did you know alcohol is great for gas? really? I had an Accel gel and if I don't work it off or have one every day for a few days the whey protein in them catches up with me..alcohol (one drink) cuts right through it. No kidding!
It is a little after noon and I had not had anything substantial to eat yet today....so I had sauage, cheese, green pepper and some reall good bread I just bought this morning...very good!
I am about to get onto the online dating racket and see if I can find someone.. My friend T is suppose (I hope) to see if she can fix me up with M, a woman at her work.
Hey, I'm fine.. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through stuff like this in the past! I feel 35 and I have the energy of a 35 year old or younger. I just can't compete! And woman my age or a WRECK! Oh let's be hontest just one time....or some me.....show me you are a shapely size 8, you stand up straight, you have a smart ass attitude and know you look fucking good and you have either light brown or blonde hair. I take that back; I have seen some very classy ladies with all white or gray hair...but they were classy! Efficence on CLASSY! That means trim, shapely proud and loving.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I don't trust the American auto makers...
So just what are they up too anyway.. Ford and Toyota are talking and are going to begin working together. Ford is failing. I hate 'em and I hate their super sized, ugly, non-dependable junk. No one in their right mind, but men, buy Fords. They are junk! And still rust out..they haven't fixed that yet. And still drip oil and use oil...they haven't fixed that yet. Nothing like paying 25 grand or more for a new car that drips oil all over your garage.
You know why those cars drip oil? So you must buy a quart of oil to add in between oil changes. Yeah, see American auto is in cahoots with the oil, and government so people you will never see any attempt at another electric car. Whoever wants to build one will get snuffed out of business real fast. The American auto industry is in cahoot with government and oil. There are big profits in oil...not in electricity. Electric is out..no money for these guy with electric cars.. So forget it! Even though oil dirties up the air..they don't care. These money mongers old white farts don't care about their families and future generations; they are out for the big bucks. And CEO's keep getting wealthier and wealthier. It just ain't right.
I want to see the idiot male mentality change but I never will in my life time. These males must have the biggest vehicle out there. I hate that! Gasoline is pushing $3.00 a gallon..it costs them about fifty bucks to fill up... they are too ignorant to even care...got to have that BIG TV screen and that BIG ASS SUV or pickup.....just has little are their dicks?
You know why those cars drip oil? So you must buy a quart of oil to add in between oil changes. Yeah, see American auto is in cahoots with the oil, and government so people you will never see any attempt at another electric car. Whoever wants to build one will get snuffed out of business real fast. The American auto industry is in cahoot with government and oil. There are big profits in oil...not in electricity. Electric is out..no money for these guy with electric cars.. So forget it! Even though oil dirties up the air..they don't care. These money mongers old white farts don't care about their families and future generations; they are out for the big bucks. And CEO's keep getting wealthier and wealthier. It just ain't right.
I want to see the idiot male mentality change but I never will in my life time. These males must have the biggest vehicle out there. I hate that! Gasoline is pushing $3.00 a gallon..it costs them about fifty bucks to fill up... they are too ignorant to even care...got to have that BIG TV screen and that BIG ASS SUV or pickup.....just has little are their dicks?
Busy day...
Well, I got my run, swim, work-out, and a little yoga in today. Now I'll play guitar and then sketch. I ran a total of ten miles with swimming one mile in between.
It seems weird not having my dog here. I still play her walks in my schedule and I expect her to be here when I return after going out. I know she is in a better place. She wasn't eating and just laying around and wetting on herself. I don't think she liked wetting on herself. I truly think that she was ready to go. She readily got out of the car for the man..so I know she was ready.
She always hesitated and acted like she never wanted to get out of the car for me. For him? She got right out so I know she was ready. Still makes me tear up..but I'm okay.
I miss my friends and hope I get to see them soon. I got spoiled last week when I saw them at least four times during the week. It would be nice to see them. Hopefully, Saturday morning at breakfast..
Okay, time to play guitar....
It seems weird not having my dog here. I still play her walks in my schedule and I expect her to be here when I return after going out. I know she is in a better place. She wasn't eating and just laying around and wetting on herself. I don't think she liked wetting on herself. I truly think that she was ready to go. She readily got out of the car for the man..so I know she was ready.
She always hesitated and acted like she never wanted to get out of the car for me. For him? She got right out so I know she was ready. Still makes me tear up..but I'm okay.
I miss my friends and hope I get to see them soon. I got spoiled last week when I saw them at least four times during the week. It would be nice to see them. Hopefully, Saturday morning at breakfast..
Okay, time to play guitar....
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Darn, didn't mean to do a new post..l
I wanted to just read over my existing posts.. Oh well, I'll think of something to write about. I had fun sketching this evening. I think I am getting better Practice is what it takes - I guess in everything.
Let's see what have I achieved in the year 2006. Well, I sang and played guitar for a float trip group..that was a first.
I am learning to swim. I have swam one mile in about an mile..so I am not a speed demen, but; I have fun and love the water.
What else? In 2006 I did two 13.1 (half marathons) that was fun. And I plan on doing them again this Spring. The same two.
I took on a lover for a little afternoon delight and that is going very well.
I fell in love (or is it just envy) with a very young woman...I think because we are so much a like. I feel this little ache inside. I think it's because I miss her and would love to see her.
What else? I had to put my dog down. I had her since 1998, when she was six years old.
I began yoga in August of 2005.. so it's been two years now. I love yoga. I'll go to yoga class tomorrow evening.
I hope to see my friends soon. I miss them. Possibly New Years eve for a while.
What else...oh, it's been over two years since I ditched the evil ones and my life is so much more happy. And my ex says I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed....and I don't. I am the happiest that I have ever been.
Yes, today, yesterday and the week before have been the happiest of my life and I look my best. I can honestly declare that I am the best that I can be emotionally, physically, health-wise and youthful too.
I have learned in the past few years that the power of intention works. I have had many magical moments because I thought of them and wanted them...now where is the girlfriend, the one I am very in love with and am also making love to....yes, one in the same.....needs to be one in the same.
Since I can't have the one of love, I pray the next to come along loves me and I her very much. I want so much to be madly in love and her me...a happy, loving, giving, sexual love.
I'm tired. It seems so weird not having to take the dog out for a walk several times a day..weird!
Okay, there I thought of something to write about.....have a nice evening and a great day tomorrow. Remember you are master of your universe and you can create your own day..so becareful what you wish for or dream of..it just may come true. Many things do for me..
Don't forget to be grateful for all of your blessings...like this... Thank you universe for my many gifts of beauty, youthfulness, good health, freedom of injury, pain, sickness, hatred. Thank you for my many friends. Thanks for making me healing, wealthy, and wise. Also, thank you for L, D, T, and now A.....my loves. Oh and M too.
Thanks.....make my tomorrow and the day after magical with many magical moments...thanks in advance.
Let's see what have I achieved in the year 2006. Well, I sang and played guitar for a float trip group..that was a first.
I am learning to swim. I have swam one mile in about an mile..so I am not a speed demen, but; I have fun and love the water.
What else? In 2006 I did two 13.1 (half marathons) that was fun. And I plan on doing them again this Spring. The same two.
I took on a lover for a little afternoon delight and that is going very well.
I fell in love (or is it just envy) with a very young woman...I think because we are so much a like. I feel this little ache inside. I think it's because I miss her and would love to see her.
What else? I had to put my dog down. I had her since 1998, when she was six years old.
I began yoga in August of 2005.. so it's been two years now. I love yoga. I'll go to yoga class tomorrow evening.
I hope to see my friends soon. I miss them. Possibly New Years eve for a while.
What else...oh, it's been over two years since I ditched the evil ones and my life is so much more happy. And my ex says I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed....and I don't. I am the happiest that I have ever been.
Yes, today, yesterday and the week before have been the happiest of my life and I look my best. I can honestly declare that I am the best that I can be emotionally, physically, health-wise and youthful too.
I have learned in the past few years that the power of intention works. I have had many magical moments because I thought of them and wanted them...now where is the girlfriend, the one I am very in love with and am also making love to....yes, one in the same.....needs to be one in the same.
Since I can't have the one of love, I pray the next to come along loves me and I her very much. I want so much to be madly in love and her me...a happy, loving, giving, sexual love.
I'm tired. It seems so weird not having to take the dog out for a walk several times a day..weird!
Okay, there I thought of something to write about.....have a nice evening and a great day tomorrow. Remember you are master of your universe and you can create your own day..so becareful what you wish for or dream of..it just may come true. Many things do for me..
Don't forget to be grateful for all of your blessings...like this... Thank you universe for my many gifts of beauty, youthfulness, good health, freedom of injury, pain, sickness, hatred. Thank you for my many friends. Thanks for making me healing, wealthy, and wise. Also, thank you for L, D, T, and now A.....my loves. Oh and M too.
Thanks.....make my tomorrow and the day after magical with many magical moments...thanks in advance.
The love I need
belongs to another. Oh hell, they all do!
She wants to be like me. I think she already is..it's why I love her.
She is ..she is a lot like me. I want her to be very happy...
I had to put my dog down today, so I'm a little sad. It will take time, I know.
My ex didn't get to see me today, usually when I walked my dog, we walked past her house and dropped in for a visit.
What I want to do yet today. Well, I have cleaned and shampooed my carpet; and now I want to do more fun things like play my guitar and then read my sketch book and sketch.
It feels weird not have to get out and walk my dog..really weird. Guess I could go for a walk anyway.
Tomorrow I plan on running to the gym, swim, work-out and then run back. And then I'll have yoga class in the evening.
Hopefully Thursday I'll see my friend..
Friday night? Maybe poker.
My friends are working on fixing me up with someone. I think it will happen very soon. I love meeting people. I know she will be just like me and perfect for me..because she'll be just like me and like all the same things with the same passion. She will be a very loving, tender, affectionate, person. She'll be perfect, just like me!
She wants to be like me. I think she already is..it's why I love her.
She is ..she is a lot like me. I want her to be very happy...
I had to put my dog down today, so I'm a little sad. It will take time, I know.
My ex didn't get to see me today, usually when I walked my dog, we walked past her house and dropped in for a visit.
What I want to do yet today. Well, I have cleaned and shampooed my carpet; and now I want to do more fun things like play my guitar and then read my sketch book and sketch.
It feels weird not have to get out and walk my dog..really weird. Guess I could go for a walk anyway.
Tomorrow I plan on running to the gym, swim, work-out and then run back. And then I'll have yoga class in the evening.
Hopefully Thursday I'll see my friend..
Friday night? Maybe poker.
My friends are working on fixing me up with someone. I think it will happen very soon. I love meeting people. I know she will be just like me and perfect for me..because she'll be just like me and like all the same things with the same passion. She will be a very loving, tender, affectionate, person. She'll be perfect, just like me!
More magical moments...
Lately I have been having many magical moments! Let's see if I can remember all of them. I hope so!
I remember driving to the grocery store to run an emergency small package of flour trip for my ex who was in the middle of cooking up some side dishes. At the stop light I was listening to good dancing music and day dreaming of swing dancing..and think how good I was. I know I was smiling and remembering the precious night when I had so much fun dancing. Suddenly I had the urge or subconscious calling to turn left. Little did I realize until I turned that a pretty set of eyes were staring and subconsiously call me. I turned and smilingly looked directly into her eyes. Through the window glass I saw her eyes were pretty, very feminine, a little sad, a little envious and very warm. In a second her vehicle began to move and I instinctively turned my attention to the roadway ahead of me. But, I still saw her eyes in my head as the big black Cadillac Escalade moved ahead through the intersection. Did she envy me? We made a soulful connection if only for a moment in time. Yes, we made a soulful connection..it was heaven. It made my day.
Another magical moment my ex reminded me to pay my property tax that is due by the end of the month. If she would not had reminded me, I would not have thought to pay it. The collector's office said I got a bill in October that must be paid by December 31st. I don't remember receiving it. Anyway it's done now. Thank you universe for that magical moment in time.
Another magical moment was the other day when I was daydreaming about swing dancing .. and low and behold someone asked me to join them to a dance that very evening. Now that is magical! I had a blast that evening too as I danced all evening..and I was good! I had a lot of energy and I could follow like no body's business. Congrat's to me for not losing I single move or step in over twenty-five years. Hats off to me! I am amazing! And very young! All my partners were mainly in their thirties. Thanks universe for that magically, easy flowing, pain and injury evening. I am indeed magical. I am my own creation. I created my reality. I am very young and I am growing younger. Yes, life is magical and we create our own environments.
Let's see another magical moment? Well, every day that I can run five miles to the gym, swim for an hour, work-out for thirty minutes and then run back home for five miles..that is magical!
My dog was magical! May ex is magical! My friends are magical!
Another magical moment.. I was at Sam's the other day and stopped a sketch set. It was cool! Immediately I thought of my ex. So I bought it for her. Later on I wondered if it was the right gift for her. Then later I thought that I had to get her a sketch pad and above the sketch pads on the rack was the coolest "how to" sketch scenery, faces, bodies, etc., It was great! So I got that for her too. What was magical is that later that day I noticed an email where my ex had filled out a questionnaire regarding her favorite times and gifts at Christmas. She had stated that as a child her sketch pad was her favorite. Bingo! I thought. What made it even more magical when we were driving back from visiting our former neighbor we were chatting about her talented sister-in-law the artiest and then my ex said. "Yeah, I have to get back into sketching. I really enjoyed that as a kid." Bingo again! I thought. Then I immediately drove her pass my place to open her gifts of the sketch kit, pad and the wonderful how-to book. Magical! She was very pleased!
There has been many magical moments in my life. Some call it "just living right". I call it consciously or subconsciously creating my own environment. It's times like this that I really love life.
Or when I'm thinking about someone special and in a few minutes she calls me. Is it Karma? I feel thinking, wishing and dreaming about things helps to make them come true.
After all, life is a magical miracle just waiting to be created into reality. What a journey this is!
I remember driving to the grocery store to run an emergency small package of flour trip for my ex who was in the middle of cooking up some side dishes. At the stop light I was listening to good dancing music and day dreaming of swing dancing..and think how good I was. I know I was smiling and remembering the precious night when I had so much fun dancing. Suddenly I had the urge or subconscious calling to turn left. Little did I realize until I turned that a pretty set of eyes were staring and subconsiously call me. I turned and smilingly looked directly into her eyes. Through the window glass I saw her eyes were pretty, very feminine, a little sad, a little envious and very warm. In a second her vehicle began to move and I instinctively turned my attention to the roadway ahead of me. But, I still saw her eyes in my head as the big black Cadillac Escalade moved ahead through the intersection. Did she envy me? We made a soulful connection if only for a moment in time. Yes, we made a soulful connection..it was heaven. It made my day.
Another magical moment my ex reminded me to pay my property tax that is due by the end of the month. If she would not had reminded me, I would not have thought to pay it. The collector's office said I got a bill in October that must be paid by December 31st. I don't remember receiving it. Anyway it's done now. Thank you universe for that magical moment in time.
Another magical moment was the other day when I was daydreaming about swing dancing .. and low and behold someone asked me to join them to a dance that very evening. Now that is magical! I had a blast that evening too as I danced all evening..and I was good! I had a lot of energy and I could follow like no body's business. Congrat's to me for not losing I single move or step in over twenty-five years. Hats off to me! I am amazing! And very young! All my partners were mainly in their thirties. Thanks universe for that magically, easy flowing, pain and injury evening. I am indeed magical. I am my own creation. I created my reality. I am very young and I am growing younger. Yes, life is magical and we create our own environments.
Let's see another magical moment? Well, every day that I can run five miles to the gym, swim for an hour, work-out for thirty minutes and then run back home for five miles..that is magical!
My dog was magical! May ex is magical! My friends are magical!
Another magical moment.. I was at Sam's the other day and stopped a sketch set. It was cool! Immediately I thought of my ex. So I bought it for her. Later on I wondered if it was the right gift for her. Then later I thought that I had to get her a sketch pad and above the sketch pads on the rack was the coolest "how to" sketch scenery, faces, bodies, etc., It was great! So I got that for her too. What was magical is that later that day I noticed an email where my ex had filled out a questionnaire regarding her favorite times and gifts at Christmas. She had stated that as a child her sketch pad was her favorite. Bingo! I thought. What made it even more magical when we were driving back from visiting our former neighbor we were chatting about her talented sister-in-law the artiest and then my ex said. "Yeah, I have to get back into sketching. I really enjoyed that as a kid." Bingo again! I thought. Then I immediately drove her pass my place to open her gifts of the sketch kit, pad and the wonderful how-to book. Magical! She was very pleased!
There has been many magical moments in my life. Some call it "just living right". I call it consciously or subconsciously creating my own environment. It's times like this that I really love life.
Or when I'm thinking about someone special and in a few minutes she calls me. Is it Karma? I feel thinking, wishing and dreaming about things helps to make them come true.
After all, life is a magical miracle just waiting to be created into reality. What a journey this is!
My 800th post...Wow! Emma has pasted!
Well, my 800th post. I believe I began this blog in June of 2005 after I met my SL05 (my 2005 summer love).
Sad news: I had to put Emma down this morning. The poor thing just got too old and her health was rapidly failing. She was past almost sixteen years old. What a wonderful dog she was and what fun. I'll truly miss her.
During the process I consulted with my ex-partner and now neighbor. She said the decision was ultimately mine. I watched Emma rapidly decline. She will be much happier now in doggy heaven.
Other then my sad doggy situation, I had a great weekend. I was out eating and drinking with friends last Thursday and Friday. Saturday I danced my butt off and had a blast. I love to swing/imperial/jigger bug; whatever, you want to call it. Sunday evening I had a warm, comfortable happy by the fire evening. Christmas day my ex and I went to visit our former neighbor. It was great seeing old neighbors and friends.
Now, I suppose things will return back to normal. I am thoroughly cleaning my condo today and hopefully will run, swim and work-out tomorrow. I can't stop - my body looks wonderful! I am the best that I have ever been. This year must be magical for me - for I'll be 60 next year in September. I can't believe it! I'm almost excited to look this good at that age! This year I will concentrate on eating and living healthy so for sure I am the best I can be. Actually, I'm growing younger...rather than older. Remember! We are master's of our universe. After all, we create our own realities; so, might as well go for the gusto and reverse the aging process in the process. Why not?
I had a very happy holiday season so far. I am no longer associated or in touch with my "people" some would call "family"; I don't! The word family means love...and none of that exists in this frightening scenario. My ex says that I do not have to be ashamed of leaving them all behind and telling people that I do not associate with me. So, last evening that is just what I said to people when they asked. Happy holidays!
Sad news: I had to put Emma down this morning. The poor thing just got too old and her health was rapidly failing. She was past almost sixteen years old. What a wonderful dog she was and what fun. I'll truly miss her.
During the process I consulted with my ex-partner and now neighbor. She said the decision was ultimately mine. I watched Emma rapidly decline. She will be much happier now in doggy heaven.
Other then my sad doggy situation, I had a great weekend. I was out eating and drinking with friends last Thursday and Friday. Saturday I danced my butt off and had a blast. I love to swing/imperial/jigger bug; whatever, you want to call it. Sunday evening I had a warm, comfortable happy by the fire evening. Christmas day my ex and I went to visit our former neighbor. It was great seeing old neighbors and friends.
Now, I suppose things will return back to normal. I am thoroughly cleaning my condo today and hopefully will run, swim and work-out tomorrow. I can't stop - my body looks wonderful! I am the best that I have ever been. This year must be magical for me - for I'll be 60 next year in September. I can't believe it! I'm almost excited to look this good at that age! This year I will concentrate on eating and living healthy so for sure I am the best I can be. Actually, I'm growing younger...rather than older. Remember! We are master's of our universe. After all, we create our own realities; so, might as well go for the gusto and reverse the aging process in the process. Why not?
I had a very happy holiday season so far. I am no longer associated or in touch with my "people" some would call "family"; I don't! The word family means love...and none of that exists in this frightening scenario. My ex says that I do not have to be ashamed of leaving them all behind and telling people that I do not associate with me. So, last evening that is just what I said to people when they asked. Happy holidays!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
I had a BLAST!
I had a blast! It's 1:40 AM Christmas Eve morning! I had three or more margarita's! I thought the dancing would wear them off...not true! I asked the bartender to make the last one "half strength" but, it didn't taste like it.
I just got home. I had a blast. Put me anywhere and I have fun! I danced the swing/imperial like crazy. I take pride in being able to follow anyone. I danced with four different guys and W from FR. I had a blast. I am so glad she told me that she was going to the ballroom to dance the swing/imperial and invited me to go too. I saw another person there that I knew and I talk to many friendly people.
For some reason I thought of A all night long. I wish I didn't love her so much. But, I guess I got used to see her..since I saw her Thursday and Friday. She loves me I know! She wants to be like me! I don't think compliments get any higher. I love her very much! I can't wait until Tuesday when I hopefully get to see her. She hugged me back Friday evening when I hugged her. I think the first time that she really hugged me hard. God, please keep her safe and happy. She's in love and the girl is very fine! And they both like me...so I'm in their life and I want so much to be. Her lover/partner asked me what I was doing for Christmas and said that I could be her date. How SWEET is that! They are both very sweet and I think A put A up to that! A knows that I love A very much! and A: SHE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME! GOD I LOVE HER!
I pray to the universe to protect her and get her home safe...back to me. Hopefully, I see her at FR on Tuesday evening. I love our time together. I think it was last Tuesday that she and I got to run together and chat. We talked about her love. I said: "I would have picked her out for you myself." I want her to be happy. She knows I love her and I know she loves me..it doesn't get any better than that...well, the age spread is too far for us to be intimate. I can understand that. I love her loves' friends! They are very kind and do not see an age difference.
I danced like a thirty year old or younger this evening. I had a blast. I danced with a thirty year old and told her to put it on. I danced with two other guys who were probably younger than thirty. Then I danced with a 45 year old, recently divorced who was fun! And then I danced with a young guy whom the bartender asked. "Do you want REAL whiskey?" That is how he and I got to chatting. Then latter in the evening he asked me to danced. We had fun! I had fun with all of my partners this evening.
At first I wondered how the evening would turn out..but then I soon seen and learned that I would be having a blast with a bunch of fun loving dancing fool.
Well, I guess I will take my coat off and get ready for bed. I'm still a little inebriated..but that is the fun of it! I want to run, swim and work-out later today...it's been three days of boozing and I have not had a good work out. Well, not until the swimming this evening.
Okay, eyes are closing....good night!
I just got home. I had a blast. Put me anywhere and I have fun! I danced the swing/imperial like crazy. I take pride in being able to follow anyone. I danced with four different guys and W from FR. I had a blast. I am so glad she told me that she was going to the ballroom to dance the swing/imperial and invited me to go too. I saw another person there that I knew and I talk to many friendly people.
For some reason I thought of A all night long. I wish I didn't love her so much. But, I guess I got used to see her..since I saw her Thursday and Friday. She loves me I know! She wants to be like me! I don't think compliments get any higher. I love her very much! I can't wait until Tuesday when I hopefully get to see her. She hugged me back Friday evening when I hugged her. I think the first time that she really hugged me hard. God, please keep her safe and happy. She's in love and the girl is very fine! And they both like me...so I'm in their life and I want so much to be. Her lover/partner asked me what I was doing for Christmas and said that I could be her date. How SWEET is that! They are both very sweet and I think A put A up to that! A knows that I love A very much! and A: SHE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME! GOD I LOVE HER!
I pray to the universe to protect her and get her home safe...back to me. Hopefully, I see her at FR on Tuesday evening. I love our time together. I think it was last Tuesday that she and I got to run together and chat. We talked about her love. I said: "I would have picked her out for you myself." I want her to be happy. She knows I love her and I know she loves me..it doesn't get any better than that...well, the age spread is too far for us to be intimate. I can understand that. I love her loves' friends! They are very kind and do not see an age difference.
I danced like a thirty year old or younger this evening. I had a blast. I danced with a thirty year old and told her to put it on. I danced with two other guys who were probably younger than thirty. Then I danced with a 45 year old, recently divorced who was fun! And then I danced with a young guy whom the bartender asked. "Do you want REAL whiskey?" That is how he and I got to chatting. Then latter in the evening he asked me to danced. We had fun! I had fun with all of my partners this evening.
At first I wondered how the evening would turn out..but then I soon seen and learned that I would be having a blast with a bunch of fun loving dancing fool.
Well, I guess I will take my coat off and get ready for bed. I'm still a little inebriated..but that is the fun of it! I want to run, swim and work-out later today...it's been three days of boozing and I have not had a good work out. Well, not until the swimming this evening.
Okay, eyes are closing....good night!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
"Good Times"
I'm letting it all up to the universe and my friends. You see, I have asked them to find me someone ...
So, I have faith in the system. Just trust the system. And I should allow others to help me so my spirit guides says. So, we'll see!
I have had lots of fun in the last couple of days and much to drink.
My friend invited me to go dancing this evening at a ballroom equipped with a great smooth gliding floor and live band. I want to go. But, earlier I sword to myself that I would run, swim and work-out tomorrow. I haven't been able to the last couple of days due to drinking too much. But, I get caught up in the moment. I could do yoga right now on the living room carpet since I have cleaned it, but I can't get in the groove. I could sketch with my new sketching set. I tried to sing and play guitar but..I guess I'm too tired to make it work.
I should really pass on this evening. Evidently, I'm too tired or trying to come down with something. I had great energy last evening and had tinted my hair and just got finished playing and singing when I was invited out to hoot and holler with the girls at N's
So, I'm not sure what I want to do about tonight. Think I'll take Emma for a walk and visit L and sit and chit chat and decide; then call W and let her know my decision. I shouldn't let her wonder. This morning I vowed to stay home this evening and rest. Dancing means drinking..it just normally goes together. But, then again I'll wear it off as I dance. If I have to think about it then I guess I must be a little too tired.
This morning I as speaking with my friend about spirituality and the power of intention. She uses it all the time and that is how she gets the best parking places near the entrance of the stores. I have in training for this myself. To stay in the moment and leave the past behind and the future up to the universe. The universe will provide; but, only if I believe that it will.
I wonder if I am getting sick? It's 72 degrees in here and I have a long sleeve t-shirt on and sweat shirt on over that and I'm still cold.
Well, better take Emma for a walk and tell L that Emma is not eating. She is on antibiotics, DES to control wetting and Rymadyle for pain. I just give her the Rymadyle as needed.
Okay off we go....
So, I have faith in the system. Just trust the system. And I should allow others to help me so my spirit guides says. So, we'll see!
I have had lots of fun in the last couple of days and much to drink.
My friend invited me to go dancing this evening at a ballroom equipped with a great smooth gliding floor and live band. I want to go. But, earlier I sword to myself that I would run, swim and work-out tomorrow. I haven't been able to the last couple of days due to drinking too much. But, I get caught up in the moment. I could do yoga right now on the living room carpet since I have cleaned it, but I can't get in the groove. I could sketch with my new sketching set. I tried to sing and play guitar but..I guess I'm too tired to make it work.
I should really pass on this evening. Evidently, I'm too tired or trying to come down with something. I had great energy last evening and had tinted my hair and just got finished playing and singing when I was invited out to hoot and holler with the girls at N's
So, I'm not sure what I want to do about tonight. Think I'll take Emma for a walk and visit L and sit and chit chat and decide; then call W and let her know my decision. I shouldn't let her wonder. This morning I vowed to stay home this evening and rest. Dancing means drinking..it just normally goes together. But, then again I'll wear it off as I dance. If I have to think about it then I guess I must be a little too tired.
This morning I as speaking with my friend about spirituality and the power of intention. She uses it all the time and that is how she gets the best parking places near the entrance of the stores. I have in training for this myself. To stay in the moment and leave the past behind and the future up to the universe. The universe will provide; but, only if I believe that it will.
I wonder if I am getting sick? It's 72 degrees in here and I have a long sleeve t-shirt on and sweat shirt on over that and I'm still cold.
Well, better take Emma for a walk and tell L that Emma is not eating. She is on antibiotics, DES to control wetting and Rymadyle for pain. I just give her the Rymadyle as needed.
Okay off we go....
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
It's raining this evening..
and I'm feeling very artistic so I plan on sketching more and singing and playing my guitar before I walk to yoga class.
I saw someone I love last night and for a time I had her to myself as we ran together and chatted. She happy in love and I couldn't pick anyone who would be better for her.
She's just precious to me. We had more one-on-one time at my place for a few minutes and it was grand. I'm very fortunate to have her and her love in my life.
She worry about my afternoon delight relationship and are afraid as my other friends that I will fall in love and get hurt..because she won't leave her husband.
Quit frankly, I don't want her to leave her husband. I know my friends are happy in relationships and they only want me to be happy. Funny! I've heard the same things all my life. In my thirties (god I wasted my 20's and 30's! Obvious lesbians were so Butch and not for me and there were no other lesbians) after I broke up with my boyfriend and had no one and my women friends were partnering up with their boyfriends I heard a lot of expressed pity notions. I may be doubling sad because I had no boyfriend and I had no woman. I wanted a woman so bad; it was and is where my heart lies..in the thoughts, arms and heart of another woman.
I love women. I love their softness, their understanding and intuitiveness, their breasts, their femininity. I repel butch! Pardon me but I already have had men..enough of them.. too much of them.
I am almost falling asleep as I type this.. I had six hours of sleep last night because I got to bed at 2:00 AM. Well, I was so wrung ed up from spending time with my dear friends last evening. They are precious!
Well, guess I'll sing and play my guitar. I'll entertain myself with some Christmas carols. Then I want to sketch more. I bought my ex a sketch book of instructions too and a sketch pad. I hope she likes it.
Then, I'll see if yoga class will be going on tonight. I need to do something. I haven't exercised at all today. Normally, I run a total of ten miles, swim a mile and work out for about thirty minutes almost each day. It's raining! So, hopefully, I'll get a run done in the morning.
I have sculpted my body into a work of art. No, I'm not kidding. I look good and I don't want to lose that. Last week I did my run, swim, work-out routine five days and felt wonderful and looked damn good. When I don't work out I use my energy to "eat"! Bad!
I saw someone I love last night and for a time I had her to myself as we ran together and chatted. She happy in love and I couldn't pick anyone who would be better for her.
She's just precious to me. We had more one-on-one time at my place for a few minutes and it was grand. I'm very fortunate to have her and her love in my life.
She worry about my afternoon delight relationship and are afraid as my other friends that I will fall in love and get hurt..because she won't leave her husband.
Quit frankly, I don't want her to leave her husband. I know my friends are happy in relationships and they only want me to be happy. Funny! I've heard the same things all my life. In my thirties (god I wasted my 20's and 30's! Obvious lesbians were so Butch and not for me and there were no other lesbians) after I broke up with my boyfriend and had no one and my women friends were partnering up with their boyfriends I heard a lot of expressed pity notions. I may be doubling sad because I had no boyfriend and I had no woman. I wanted a woman so bad; it was and is where my heart lies..in the thoughts, arms and heart of another woman.
I love women. I love their softness, their understanding and intuitiveness, their breasts, their femininity. I repel butch! Pardon me but I already have had men..enough of them.. too much of them.
I am almost falling asleep as I type this.. I had six hours of sleep last night because I got to bed at 2:00 AM. Well, I was so wrung ed up from spending time with my dear friends last evening. They are precious!
Well, guess I'll sing and play my guitar. I'll entertain myself with some Christmas carols. Then I want to sketch more. I bought my ex a sketch book of instructions too and a sketch pad. I hope she likes it.
Then, I'll see if yoga class will be going on tonight. I need to do something. I haven't exercised at all today. Normally, I run a total of ten miles, swim a mile and work out for about thirty minutes almost each day. It's raining! So, hopefully, I'll get a run done in the morning.
I have sculpted my body into a work of art. No, I'm not kidding. I look good and I don't want to lose that. Last week I did my run, swim, work-out routine five days and felt wonderful and looked damn good. When I don't work out I use my energy to "eat"! Bad!
I ate too much!
I should go to bed but I'm too hyped up. What a magical moment..her and I; just us running this evening in the park in the dark and she sharing things that are near to her. These are precious times I will treasure forever. She makes my heart warm with love for her just for being herself.
She knows I love her. This evening I thought of my own afternoon love when her love was holding her close to her breast. My love holds me too like that and kisses my head..I love that. One day the phone rang two different times and she said. "Your friends must really be worried about you." and I replied and knew it was salespeople trying to sell me something..and it was.
What we have we know is wrong and most likely temporary. I think that is what makes our afternoon loving so special..and then we hold each other...for a long time. I wish her only the best. What we have I think is all that she and I can have. She is married and I am a free spirit who is so afraid of having to worry and care for another.
When I was in a relationship I felt I had to reflect off her. I feel that I am more open socially and more accepting. Well, what is not to love about young feminine women. Our friends were emotional problem ed more on the butch side women. I did not fit in. Even now they all have the same body shape and type.
She knows I love her. This evening I thought of my own afternoon love when her love was holding her close to her breast. My love holds me too like that and kisses my head..I love that. One day the phone rang two different times and she said. "Your friends must really be worried about you." and I replied and knew it was salespeople trying to sell me something..and it was.
What we have we know is wrong and most likely temporary. I think that is what makes our afternoon loving so special..and then we hold each other...for a long time. I wish her only the best. What we have I think is all that she and I can have. She is married and I am a free spirit who is so afraid of having to worry and care for another.
When I was in a relationship I felt I had to reflect off her. I feel that I am more open socially and more accepting. Well, what is not to love about young feminine women. Our friends were emotional problem ed more on the butch side women. I did not fit in. Even now they all have the same body shape and type.
Warning: Antiiflammatories
People are taking too many different medicines at one time. This one young woman took too many Tylenol tablets daily and had to have an emergency liver transplant.
Well for years pharmaceuticals knew that if people regularly took more than a recommended dosage they can damage their kidneys and liver.
The doctors and pharmaceuticals dragged their feet as well as the government FDA..only until forced into action do they do anything and that is put brighter bigger warnings on labels.
Many people are not aware that mixing a couple of different pills does twice as much damage to their organs.
So business and government are looking out for themselves....please keep that in mind as you use your command sense to solve daily problems.
Well for years pharmaceuticals knew that if people regularly took more than a recommended dosage they can damage their kidneys and liver.
The doctors and pharmaceuticals dragged their feet as well as the government FDA..only until forced into action do they do anything and that is put brighter bigger warnings on labels.
Many people are not aware that mixing a couple of different pills does twice as much damage to their organs.
So business and government are looking out for themselves....please keep that in mind as you use your command sense to solve daily problems.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
My problem ..when it comes to shopping
is that what I buy for you; I buy for me. Yeah, "one for you; one for me" mentality; this is costing me a small fortune!
But, I bought my ex (and one for myself, of course) a cool drawing set. I got a sketch book for her so she can sketch and stir up her creativity.
I am so tired suddenly that I could fall asleep. I wish I were awake in the evenings because evening is when my creative kicks in. I would love to get "my" new two inch thick drawing instruction book out and study it. I wish to draw perfect eyes with the expressiveness I desire.
I can't keep my eyes open...why fight sleep? There is so much I want yet to do yet. I love evenings for sitting around the blazing fire and watching my recorded shows.
Today, I left at 10:00 AM and ran five miles in 40 degree temperature and clouds to "The Heights" where I swam for an hour ( I did 36 laps to make "good" mile. I about had the pool to myself with it being Christmas and all. It was great! Then I worked out for twenty minutes at least..and then I ran five miles back home.
I was hungry when I got home and ate tequila lime chicken wings, baked sweet potato, peas, and cranberry sauce. So good! Three hours later I met my friends in the park and precious friend and I ran about three miles. It went fast..running with her! Later her and her new love came over to visit and watch the "bragging rights" game, MU vs. Ill. We had fun! I'll see them again Thursday evening about 7:30 PM at a Mexican place where we will enjoy a pitcher of margarita's...I love these guys.
I am blessed with wonderful young and young at heart friends...it doesn't get any better than that. Of course, I would love to be in a relationship; but she would have to be just like me, so my young and young at heart friends would love her too.
I have so many wonderful friends and I am becoming very comfortable around them. They don't want to see me hurt and they think that the relationship I had with my "afternoon delight" would only end up in my heart ache. I prefer to find another relationship first.
Am I ready for a relationship. Well, yes, my precious one has learned that to totally give of herself and her time. She they don't see each other - always.
I am so glad that she is happy. She is very precious to me. I have learned to love to see them together because the universe did well by bringing these two together. At first I was a little jealous of what they had but now I'm okay. I'm very okay! My turn will be next. The universe will send someone my way very soon... and this person will pursue me - easily and naturally. Of course, the universe knows how to get it right. The universe can manipulate anything and everyone.
I love my friends! Inadvertently they have taught me how to dress. My one friend in particular has dropped a couple of hints. And I have made good use of them. I think I look hot!
So now only, if they would find me a love. Certainly someone would know of a suitable match for me. Certainly they would! Wouldn't they!
I'm excited about the immediate future; because I know, that something is in the works. I'm excited! She will be just like me! Hey, I'm due!
But, I bought my ex (and one for myself, of course) a cool drawing set. I got a sketch book for her so she can sketch and stir up her creativity.
I am so tired suddenly that I could fall asleep. I wish I were awake in the evenings because evening is when my creative kicks in. I would love to get "my" new two inch thick drawing instruction book out and study it. I wish to draw perfect eyes with the expressiveness I desire.
I can't keep my eyes open...why fight sleep? There is so much I want yet to do yet. I love evenings for sitting around the blazing fire and watching my recorded shows.
Today, I left at 10:00 AM and ran five miles in 40 degree temperature and clouds to "The Heights" where I swam for an hour ( I did 36 laps to make "good" mile. I about had the pool to myself with it being Christmas and all. It was great! Then I worked out for twenty minutes at least..and then I ran five miles back home.
I was hungry when I got home and ate tequila lime chicken wings, baked sweet potato, peas, and cranberry sauce. So good! Three hours later I met my friends in the park and precious friend and I ran about three miles. It went fast..running with her! Later her and her new love came over to visit and watch the "bragging rights" game, MU vs. Ill. We had fun! I'll see them again Thursday evening about 7:30 PM at a Mexican place where we will enjoy a pitcher of margarita's...I love these guys.
I am blessed with wonderful young and young at heart friends...it doesn't get any better than that. Of course, I would love to be in a relationship; but she would have to be just like me, so my young and young at heart friends would love her too.
I have so many wonderful friends and I am becoming very comfortable around them. They don't want to see me hurt and they think that the relationship I had with my "afternoon delight" would only end up in my heart ache. I prefer to find another relationship first.
Am I ready for a relationship. Well, yes, my precious one has learned that to totally give of herself and her time. She they don't see each other - always.
I am so glad that she is happy. She is very precious to me. I have learned to love to see them together because the universe did well by bringing these two together. At first I was a little jealous of what they had but now I'm okay. I'm very okay! My turn will be next. The universe will send someone my way very soon... and this person will pursue me - easily and naturally. Of course, the universe knows how to get it right. The universe can manipulate anything and everyone.
I love my friends! Inadvertently they have taught me how to dress. My one friend in particular has dropped a couple of hints. And I have made good use of them. I think I look hot!
So now only, if they would find me a love. Certainly someone would know of a suitable match for me. Certainly they would! Wouldn't they!
I'm excited about the immediate future; because I know, that something is in the works. I'm excited! She will be just like me! Hey, I'm due!
She's Precious!
I got to run with her this evening.. we talked. She's dating someone...it happened fast she says..she journals about it. I told her I journal too off and on line; she mostly on line except for when she has to work out anger. She is so much like me. I adore her. Of she and her new girlfriend I said. "I would have picked her for you myself." They are good for each other.
They were here this evening; both of them cute together. She laid on her chest. She's precious! Like a baby. I would love to hold her like that; but, I'll never have her love...like that. I would be kissing her head if I held her like that. My afternoon lover holds me and kisses my head... like that...I love it. And I'll hold on to her as long as she'll let me...my friends who worry about me..need not know. It's sad in a way, that I have to keep them separate; but, friends are protective and I love them for that. I'm taking one day at a time. I would love to be in a romantic relationship and that of course, is totally up to the universe. I can only want it..nothing more. I need the help of the universe.
Yes, I love her! I adore her...she is precious to me.
The night they told me about "them", I looked deeply into her eyes for a second or two then kissed her forehead and I kissed her new love on the cheek. They had stars in their eyes and permanent smiles on their cheeks. So cute; so precious!
They are precious. Thank god for love and lesbians. Oh why was I born SO SOON!
They are both feminine too which I adore. I am totally NOT into butch. But, in my earlier years the only out lesbian was the obvious...the much too masculine butch
They were here this evening; both of them cute together. She laid on her chest. She's precious! Like a baby. I would love to hold her like that; but, I'll never have her love...like that. I would be kissing her head if I held her like that. My afternoon lover holds me and kisses my head... like that...I love it. And I'll hold on to her as long as she'll let me...my friends who worry about me..need not know. It's sad in a way, that I have to keep them separate; but, friends are protective and I love them for that. I'm taking one day at a time. I would love to be in a romantic relationship and that of course, is totally up to the universe. I can only want it..nothing more. I need the help of the universe.
Yes, I love her! I adore her...she is precious to me.
The night they told me about "them", I looked deeply into her eyes for a second or two then kissed her forehead and I kissed her new love on the cheek. They had stars in their eyes and permanent smiles on their cheeks. So cute; so precious!
They are precious. Thank god for love and lesbians. Oh why was I born SO SOON!
They are both feminine too which I adore. I am totally NOT into butch. But, in my earlier years the only out lesbian was the obvious...the much too masculine butch
Skull and Bones
Yale's secret society of rich white guys who are members of ruling class and some become members of the CIA. Robert De Niro is in a new movie. Skull and Bones is a secret society that Bush, old and young, are members. The movie ranges from 1930 to 1961 and includes flashbacks of the Bay of Pigs. Matt Damon is a member of the Skull and Bones and becomes a member of the new CIA.
I think I'll have to go see this one...
I think I'll have to go see this one...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Shopping...
I love to buy gifts for people who are special to me. But, then I see things I like too. So, I bought one for them and then one for me. In the process I have decided that I am changing my look to more feminine.
Yeah, rings, necklaces and things. Damn I'm cute! Might as well be myself. Well too, I finally took the hint..my friends are trying to quietly help me out. I've over heard all I need to know. So, get rid of the wallet where anyone can see it. Let the top "out". Today, I even put on makeup and bought polish (for toes) and lip stick.
I bought a necklace for my special friend and liked it so much I got one for myself. Then I bought an art set for myself and thought that my friend would like one.
Got some booze filled chocolate for my cute friends to share. Got some for my former neighbor to have. Reminds me, I better email her and tell her I'm coming on Xmas.
Yeah, rings, necklaces and things. Damn I'm cute! Might as well be myself. Well too, I finally took the hint..my friends are trying to quietly help me out. I've over heard all I need to know. So, get rid of the wallet where anyone can see it. Let the top "out". Today, I even put on makeup and bought polish (for toes) and lip stick.
I bought a necklace for my special friend and liked it so much I got one for myself. Then I bought an art set for myself and thought that my friend would like one.
Got some booze filled chocolate for my cute friends to share. Got some for my former neighbor to have. Reminds me, I better email her and tell her I'm coming on Xmas.
Odo turned 99999 and I saw it...
It's still there on the odometer..my car is parked....hope I catch it when it turns to 100'000. I drive a '98 Rav4. It has been the best car! It's dependable and mechanically sound. It is sound on the road too and makes me feel safe and secure.
I can jack rabbit starts at green lights if I want to switch lanes in front of someone next to me. But, I think that depends more on my "flashing" reflexes. Honey, I'm just quick! It's the running, swimming, working-out and yoga I do that keeps me quick witted and with fast reactions. Oh, and occasionally I dance..love the Imperial (swing - whatever!). It's all good for me and does a body well. I look GOOD!
Christmas is fast approaching and my heart aches just a bit. I'm fine - it's everyone else. I can adjust quite nicely to misery, I think. I have a lover...just that, though. My friends worry and are glad that it's ended :) I have lied profusely to protect them; but, mostly to protect myself; cater to their concerns and to free the way for a prospective "real life" relationship for myself. I want so much to be in madly in love.
However, my situation is difficult. I want to date up (who doesn't). by "dating up" I mean..someone who is younger, attractive, active, sexual, sensual, sensitive, beautiful inside and out and as sweet as can be; and she is crazy about me. She is very sweet and understanding and forgiving. My vulnerability won't scare her off....cause she loves me. She falls in love with me...there is there something about me and she wants me...she hangs on to my every word. She wants to make love to me. Her hair is long about shoulder and she is about fifteen of less years younger but very, very attractive. Like myself... a little older but very sexy and attractive and firm. She is young in spirit and therefore life. She loves me!
Does the above sound reasonable? Sounds like a magical miracle to me! But, realities are meant to be dreamed and thus created not only in our minds, hearts but in everyday real life.
I can jack rabbit starts at green lights if I want to switch lanes in front of someone next to me. But, I think that depends more on my "flashing" reflexes. Honey, I'm just quick! It's the running, swimming, working-out and yoga I do that keeps me quick witted and with fast reactions. Oh, and occasionally I dance..love the Imperial (swing - whatever!). It's all good for me and does a body well. I look GOOD!
Christmas is fast approaching and my heart aches just a bit. I'm fine - it's everyone else. I can adjust quite nicely to misery, I think. I have a lover...just that, though. My friends worry and are glad that it's ended :) I have lied profusely to protect them; but, mostly to protect myself; cater to their concerns and to free the way for a prospective "real life" relationship for myself. I want so much to be in madly in love.
However, my situation is difficult. I want to date up (who doesn't). by "dating up" I mean..someone who is younger, attractive, active, sexual, sensual, sensitive, beautiful inside and out and as sweet as can be; and she is crazy about me. She is very sweet and understanding and forgiving. My vulnerability won't scare her off....cause she loves me. She falls in love with me...there is there something about me and she wants me...she hangs on to my every word. She wants to make love to me. Her hair is long about shoulder and she is about fifteen of less years younger but very, very attractive. Like myself... a little older but very sexy and attractive and firm. She is young in spirit and therefore life. She loves me!
Does the above sound reasonable? Sounds like a magical miracle to me! But, realities are meant to be dreamed and thus created not only in our minds, hearts but in everyday real life.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Life hurts! But, I know they care....
It's like deja vu! Years back when Allen and I fell apart (because I wasn't straight and no one knew it) my newly coupled "so in love" friends said. "We hope you find someone. We want you to be happy". I secretly (everything about my life seems to be a secret) cried, alone hen too like I am now. School never came easy for me either.
And now I'm an out lesbian. I came out at 41, a long time ago, and have many wonderful gay and lesbian friends but; it's so late in my life and I'm so fit and youthful minded...I fear I'll never meet a like life partner.
My friends want me to be happy and are glad I "stopped" seeing the married woman. Well, that piece of information is slightly premature.
Don't you think I should meet someone new first? Okay, I know that is not fair. She knows this is temporary. Unspoken, we both know it's temporary. She loves me and treasures our moments together. I feel loved when I'm with her. She holds me and my heart doesn't ache and I like that. She is easy to be with.
I guess I don't put much stock in relationships right now..I settle in my heart and in my mind for stolen loving moments which have been very few and far between.
Oh, I know my ex loves me..we weren't lovers..we were brother and sister.
I pray for a warm loving feminine...oh so feminine...and warm like the good doctor. I miss her at times like this. She had such a wonderful heart. I miss her very much. She kissed me every so sweetly..when she could have lectured me. I hurt her heart. My heart hurt so bad; but when she held me close..they belonged together. It was like my heart found it's other half. God, how I miss her.
My timing is awful. My scared. Worse of all; I'm negative. I must know in my heart that despite it all, that one day soon I'll find love and be in a wonderful warm loving feminine relationship that can be open for all the world to see.
I guess she and I shouldn't have even started this affair but we have our needs.
I would love to be in a "real" relationship. I think I'll even ask my friends to find someone for me. Why not? they probably each know someone?
My problem - young won't date older (that's me). I would date my age if she was athletic as I am, happy, healthy and fit; beautiful and wonderful.
Where are you? My heart aches for you! Where is my loving relationship?
My friends are worried about me and that bothers me. Me? I'm accustomed to being on the outside looking in... I've done it for years. I've been lonely for a long time...since birth! Big mistake...I was too eager to be born. I should have waited at least fifteen or twenty earth years and then should have choose better parents and lived in the city
The only people I have have in my life are the ones I went after..good or bad, I went after them..it worked for a time. But only for a time.
I need the universe to intercept for me; to help me. I'm begging here. I want an attractive, warm, loving, healthy because she knows what it takes to be healthy, feminine woman. And I want her to be affectionate and very loving with nice breasts (it's my dream!). And she'll fall in love with me and come for me and let me know that she wants me. She'll pursue me very lovingly. She will woo me off my feet with her loving affection and my heart will no longer ache.
It touches me that my friends care about me so much. I love them in return. Yes, I'm a good friend. I'm funny. The clown with the smile to hide the pain. Yes, I'm jealous. It seems love comes very easy for some people and of course, I don't understand that. Is it that they merely expect to be love and therefore are? I don't understand?
Way back in time; I guess when I should have felt that sense of security and love I didn't..so I don't know love...I guess. I don't understand it.
All I know is that I have loved so deeply so many times in my life and nothing has come of it but creation of my own broken heart. Life hurts!
And now I'm an out lesbian. I came out at 41, a long time ago, and have many wonderful gay and lesbian friends but; it's so late in my life and I'm so fit and youthful minded...I fear I'll never meet a like life partner.
My friends want me to be happy and are glad I "stopped" seeing the married woman. Well, that piece of information is slightly premature.
Don't you think I should meet someone new first? Okay, I know that is not fair. She knows this is temporary. Unspoken, we both know it's temporary. She loves me and treasures our moments together. I feel loved when I'm with her. She holds me and my heart doesn't ache and I like that. She is easy to be with.
I guess I don't put much stock in relationships right now..I settle in my heart and in my mind for stolen loving moments which have been very few and far between.
Oh, I know my ex loves me..we weren't lovers..we were brother and sister.
I pray for a warm loving feminine...oh so feminine...and warm like the good doctor. I miss her at times like this. She had such a wonderful heart. I miss her very much. She kissed me every so sweetly..when she could have lectured me. I hurt her heart. My heart hurt so bad; but when she held me close..they belonged together. It was like my heart found it's other half. God, how I miss her.
My timing is awful. My scared. Worse of all; I'm negative. I must know in my heart that despite it all, that one day soon I'll find love and be in a wonderful warm loving feminine relationship that can be open for all the world to see.
I guess she and I shouldn't have even started this affair but we have our needs.
I would love to be in a "real" relationship. I think I'll even ask my friends to find someone for me. Why not? they probably each know someone?
My problem - young won't date older (that's me). I would date my age if she was athletic as I am, happy, healthy and fit; beautiful and wonderful.
Where are you? My heart aches for you! Where is my loving relationship?
My friends are worried about me and that bothers me. Me? I'm accustomed to being on the outside looking in... I've done it for years. I've been lonely for a long time...since birth! Big mistake...I was too eager to be born. I should have waited at least fifteen or twenty earth years and then should have choose better parents and lived in the city
The only people I have have in my life are the ones I went after..good or bad, I went after them..it worked for a time. But only for a time.
I need the universe to intercept for me; to help me. I'm begging here. I want an attractive, warm, loving, healthy because she knows what it takes to be healthy, feminine woman. And I want her to be affectionate and very loving with nice breasts (it's my dream!). And she'll fall in love with me and come for me and let me know that she wants me. She'll pursue me very lovingly. She will woo me off my feet with her loving affection and my heart will no longer ache.
It touches me that my friends care about me so much. I love them in return. Yes, I'm a good friend. I'm funny. The clown with the smile to hide the pain. Yes, I'm jealous. It seems love comes very easy for some people and of course, I don't understand that. Is it that they merely expect to be love and therefore are? I don't understand?
Way back in time; I guess when I should have felt that sense of security and love I didn't..so I don't know love...I guess. I don't understand it.
All I know is that I have loved so deeply so many times in my life and nothing has come of it but creation of my own broken heart. Life hurts!
Blogging While Inebriated!
Okay! I would like to have sex with a woman now. I haven't have sex while drunk in my years...maybe the last time was with a man back in the 80's.
Oh man, what I have missed out on! Anyway, there is nothing better in life than tequila and woman. Oh let's be honest shall we?
Life should be fun! But I believe that you have to stretch the good times out a little to really appreciate them...but not too far!
I had fun with my friends this evening at the bar as we finally got to watch the poll dancers preform. L and I decided we were surprised they were as big as they were and "white". Lilly white!
L thought or rather expected them to be as slendar as she and I are.
I am in good shape. Last week I ran five to the gym, swam for an hour, worked out for at least 20 minutes than ran the five miles back home again. I did this five times last week: Sun., Mon., Tues., I skipped Wednesday then ran etc., Thursday morning and Friday. Friday I had the pool to myself for about at least 20 minutes.
Remember I'm inebriated right now! One of these days...oops I forgot my point.
One of these days, I will have sex and love from the same person and she and I will be very happy and spend many (or most) days and nights together. I will truly feel loved
Dang dog is buggy the shit out of me....she ate and drank, now she'll probably pee again in the house. And it stinks strong. Makes me want to gag! I'm trying not to give her so much water at night. Hell, it 2 AM, I just got
home from partying.
Hey, universe? Where is my dream girl? Where is the love of my life. Make her feminine and very sweet and loving and pretty with long hair. And let me love her very much and make love to her (and her me) all the time. We spend most nights together. I'm looking so forward to meeting and loving her. Hey, don't wait so long...time is wasting.
I can't keep my eyes open, so I'm going to bed now. I just ate a couple of chicken wings, mashed potatoes and peas.....I'll sleep good!
I may have to shampoo the carpet again tomorrow..dang dog has it stinking. Help me god!
Give me strength and love....hey I spell that foul carpet! Dang dog!
She is 15 years old and still bugs the het out of mean.
Oh man, what I have missed out on! Anyway, there is nothing better in life than tequila and woman. Oh let's be honest shall we?
Life should be fun! But I believe that you have to stretch the good times out a little to really appreciate them...but not too far!
I had fun with my friends this evening at the bar as we finally got to watch the poll dancers preform. L and I decided we were surprised they were as big as they were and "white". Lilly white!
L thought or rather expected them to be as slendar as she and I are.
I am in good shape. Last week I ran five to the gym, swam for an hour, worked out for at least 20 minutes than ran the five miles back home again. I did this five times last week: Sun., Mon., Tues., I skipped Wednesday then ran etc., Thursday morning and Friday. Friday I had the pool to myself for about at least 20 minutes.
Remember I'm inebriated right now! One of these days...oops I forgot my point.
One of these days, I will have sex and love from the same person and she and I will be very happy and spend many (or most) days and nights together. I will truly feel loved
Dang dog is buggy the shit out of me....she ate and drank, now she'll probably pee again in the house. And it stinks strong. Makes me want to gag! I'm trying not to give her so much water at night. Hell, it 2 AM, I just got
home from partying.
Hey, universe? Where is my dream girl? Where is the love of my life. Make her feminine and very sweet and loving and pretty with long hair. And let me love her very much and make love to her (and her me) all the time. We spend most nights together. I'm looking so forward to meeting and loving her. Hey, don't wait so long...time is wasting.
I can't keep my eyes open, so I'm going to bed now. I just ate a couple of chicken wings, mashed potatoes and peas.....I'll sleep good!
I may have to shampoo the carpet again tomorrow..dang dog has it stinking. Help me god!
Give me strength and love....hey I spell that foul carpet! Dang dog!
She is 15 years old and still bugs the het out of mean.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
It's Saturday night!
I'm hoping I have a terrific evening out tonight at the bar to see the "Gravity Girls" dance. I'm hoping to do perform at midnight as scheduled.
I'm hoping I feel alive and wide awake! I think I had about five hours of sleep last night. I have high hopes of meeting and being with someone exciting this evening. I want it to be magical, fun and very special! I can't wait!
But, I looked more forward to my first drink last night then I do this evening. So, I guess the edge is off!
I have sort of lost a friend, well two who I hung out with. I miss them. Well, they hooked up together and don't go out to the bar anymore. Well, I get to see them otherwise; but, the bar would be fun once in a while. They are saving money. But, they do still come over to visit..hopefully, in the new year we'll go to the art museum too.
And other friends want to save money or have other commitments. Or, they just already found each other. Me, I like the happy, social, dance atmosphere of the bar. But, so far, I'm staying afloat in the social arena. Our group does do things together and so we can enjoy each other.
I need to be dating a "hot" and I mean really "hot" woman. One in which we connect in all ways and levels. Yeah, I think I'm ready for a more casual dating scene. It would be cool to be in love with someone special and sleep together...you know! I want her to be very sensual and affectionate and sweet and loving and giving..you know, like I am.
If she is right for me then I believe we can do it. I mean I can do it. I'll meet her to night.
I'm hoping I feel alive and wide awake! I think I had about five hours of sleep last night. I have high hopes of meeting and being with someone exciting this evening. I want it to be magical, fun and very special! I can't wait!
But, I looked more forward to my first drink last night then I do this evening. So, I guess the edge is off!
I have sort of lost a friend, well two who I hung out with. I miss them. Well, they hooked up together and don't go out to the bar anymore. Well, I get to see them otherwise; but, the bar would be fun once in a while. They are saving money. But, they do still come over to visit..hopefully, in the new year we'll go to the art museum too.
And other friends want to save money or have other commitments. Or, they just already found each other. Me, I like the happy, social, dance atmosphere of the bar. But, so far, I'm staying afloat in the social arena. Our group does do things together and so we can enjoy each other.
I need to be dating a "hot" and I mean really "hot" woman. One in which we connect in all ways and levels. Yeah, I think I'm ready for a more casual dating scene. It would be cool to be in love with someone special and sleep together...you know! I want her to be very sensual and affectionate and sweet and loving and giving..you know, like I am.
If she is right for me then I believe we can do it. I mean I can do it. I'll meet her to night.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Another great day!
I'm not being sarcastic! It was a great day! I was so ready to run, workout and swim today. I missed yesterday because I thought I was getting a cold; but, I think it's better now.
Anyway, the run (five miles to and five miles from), work-out (about 20 minutes) and swim (for an hour equaling 38 laps) went very well. Except, I had to share a swimming lane; that was a little awkward but the guy was nice and I used to keeping on my side. Staying in half a lane is hard; but, it was for too long before a lane came vacant and I got it to myself.
Well, my dog Emma, finally woke up and now I'll have to take her outside. Oh, forget it; she laid back down again. Oh, I know what she did..she went into my bedroom which is usually barricaded and off limits. So, she is taking full advantage of me being busy on the the computer. She's like a five year old child more than a 15 year old Rottweiler.
I had a great day. After my work-out my special friend came by to see me. This has been going on for three months and now when she leaves I miss her immediately. She is very easy to be with. I love being so close to her. She tells me she treasures our moments together. She wonders where I have been all her life. At the start of "us" she said I was a gift from heaven.
Now, don't you think I'm a nice person? I feel needed and I feel a sense of power somehow. We take what we have and treasure it. It's appreciated. What we have is very special!
She suggested a B&B in Arizona and I hope we plan a trip in the Spring. I have always wanted to go to Arizona. It would be very cool. But, then how can we come back and go our separate ways again after spending every minute together?
In a way, I'm a mess. I don't want to mix her in with my other friends. I'm not ready for that. And maybe we are not even compatible that way. Maybe what we have is just what we have? After all we have the important part of any relationship; we have good intimacy.
Recently, someone who knows asked. "Could she mess it up for you to take the time to meet someone you want to date?" She made a great point!
You see my special friend is married and said right-off-the-bat that she would never leave him. So, I'm making it sound to my friends like she and I are past tense. Not that anyone would ask me out; but you never know. Actually, right now, the choices are fairly slim. Why would anyone younger date "up" in age? And, what's worse most women my age are unhappy, inactive and overweight. And just plain unappealing to me. They look older too somehow.
My special friend makes me feel needed, younger, and loved. I love when she holds me and kisses my head.
Okay, now I do have to walk the dog.....
Anyway, the run (five miles to and five miles from), work-out (about 20 minutes) and swim (for an hour equaling 38 laps) went very well. Except, I had to share a swimming lane; that was a little awkward but the guy was nice and I used to keeping on my side. Staying in half a lane is hard; but, it was for too long before a lane came vacant and I got it to myself.
Well, my dog Emma, finally woke up and now I'll have to take her outside. Oh, forget it; she laid back down again. Oh, I know what she did..she went into my bedroom which is usually barricaded and off limits. So, she is taking full advantage of me being busy on the the computer. She's like a five year old child more than a 15 year old Rottweiler.
I had a great day. After my work-out my special friend came by to see me. This has been going on for three months and now when she leaves I miss her immediately. She is very easy to be with. I love being so close to her. She tells me she treasures our moments together. She wonders where I have been all her life. At the start of "us" she said I was a gift from heaven.
Now, don't you think I'm a nice person? I feel needed and I feel a sense of power somehow. We take what we have and treasure it. It's appreciated. What we have is very special!
She suggested a B&B in Arizona and I hope we plan a trip in the Spring. I have always wanted to go to Arizona. It would be very cool. But, then how can we come back and go our separate ways again after spending every minute together?
In a way, I'm a mess. I don't want to mix her in with my other friends. I'm not ready for that. And maybe we are not even compatible that way. Maybe what we have is just what we have? After all we have the important part of any relationship; we have good intimacy.
Recently, someone who knows asked. "Could she mess it up for you to take the time to meet someone you want to date?" She made a great point!
You see my special friend is married and said right-off-the-bat that she would never leave him. So, I'm making it sound to my friends like she and I are past tense. Not that anyone would ask me out; but you never know. Actually, right now, the choices are fairly slim. Why would anyone younger date "up" in age? And, what's worse most women my age are unhappy, inactive and overweight. And just plain unappealing to me. They look older too somehow.
My special friend makes me feel needed, younger, and loved. I love when she holds me and kisses my head.
Okay, now I do have to walk the dog.....
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Shallow People and Boring Ways
Some times I have associate with rather shallow minded people. Well, one who draws the others in with her. She is very materialistic and insecure. She must be very insecure because she depends so on this other person; which, of course, gives the other person a great sense of power and control. I find all this very interesting. People are just interesting in general. You would never believe that they are spirits here on earth to connect lovingly and sexually with another spirit. Most do not act spiritual but fall into the shallow minded earthly ways of ignorant people.
I see people change over night after they have hooked up with other people. Suddenly, they are no fun anymore! Too serious! Too into the other guy. Yes, I miss the fun person that was once there. Now she is too cautious as to not step on the other's toes. Maybe I'm jealous! I've never had anyone like that fuss over me. Are you kidding? My ex never gave an inch and always remained true to herself or to her other friends and mostly family. I came after them..somewhere down the line. She and I went on vacation one time alone; the rest of the times we went anywhere we went because those other people wanted to go. I'm not complaining I'm merely very jealous of people who adore other people and get away with it. I always seem to fall in love and adore the wrong person because it never reciprocated. Anyway, not yet in my life. Some people just automatically fall into a pot of gold...me I'm drowning in a tiolet here. I'm not getting my needs met.
Do I even know what my needs are? Well, I think I do? I don't know what love it...like the song. I want you to show me!
When I do fall head over heels, I'm told its only infatuation; as if, I'm too stupid to know my own feelings for someone. That so called therapist probably has never been truly in love. "He" pursued her and she followed and over time said she fell in love. Sounds boring to me! I would rather get smacked on the side of the head falling in love any day over that what seems to me a boring scenerio.
Yes, it's automatic. It seems that then when two people do get together one gains and one loses identity. One person remains the same while the other changes, or should I say surrenders.
I don't know how I feel about all of this. But it's reality and I have done the very same thing...lose myself. For a long time I had myself in a state of no identity and confusion. I was in limbo. Just floating! Inertia! Like a buffer fly in a strong wind. I went where ever life took me.
I'm still confused! I've never found that close to perfect loving partner but I have made much progress in the way of ridding myself of people who have brought me down. Problem was, I hooked up with the likes of my mother in my partner. My ex would hate to hear that. She did; however, bring me through great changes.
I should have moved away from all of them years ago into a gay community. But, gay communities only began about fifteen to twenty years ago. I am talking about ones that were not the obvious totally butch camps.
Everyone is looking for love rather they realize it or not; but, you never heard the word mention. You have hear so and so did me wrong - that bitch. Or it's all about sex. the "L" word, the "love" word is never mentioned enough.
Or maybe the "L" word is a label or should I say bandage to cover-up controlling behavior? Remember, money is power. Education is power.
Would I let the good doctor in if she knocked on my door - you bet! In a New York minute. She could control me any way she wanted.
Sometimes like my 05SL (05 summer love) I just don't get people! Sometimes they all seem shallow and selfish and too silly. Where in the hell can you go to get a one on one two directional conversation? I'm tired of the silly stuff.
Either people are complaining about something of their emotional or physical self or they are criticizing the other guy. Or they are just plain preaching meaningless words. Most of it turns to ridiculous hints of sex.
But, when it's all said and done..I guess I'm the truest to myself or my worst enemy. I don't have a clue about this love stuff. I do feel that I am my own best friend. I am secure and by this time I pretty much know people. And one thing is for secure there might be age differences but they are all pretty much the same and the cycle is just that a cycle of life passages and repeats.
I see people change over night after they have hooked up with other people. Suddenly, they are no fun anymore! Too serious! Too into the other guy. Yes, I miss the fun person that was once there. Now she is too cautious as to not step on the other's toes. Maybe I'm jealous! I've never had anyone like that fuss over me. Are you kidding? My ex never gave an inch and always remained true to herself or to her other friends and mostly family. I came after them..somewhere down the line. She and I went on vacation one time alone; the rest of the times we went anywhere we went because those other people wanted to go. I'm not complaining I'm merely very jealous of people who adore other people and get away with it. I always seem to fall in love and adore the wrong person because it never reciprocated. Anyway, not yet in my life. Some people just automatically fall into a pot of gold...me I'm drowning in a tiolet here. I'm not getting my needs met.
Do I even know what my needs are? Well, I think I do? I don't know what love it...like the song. I want you to show me!
When I do fall head over heels, I'm told its only infatuation; as if, I'm too stupid to know my own feelings for someone. That so called therapist probably has never been truly in love. "He" pursued her and she followed and over time said she fell in love. Sounds boring to me! I would rather get smacked on the side of the head falling in love any day over that what seems to me a boring scenerio.
Yes, it's automatic. It seems that then when two people do get together one gains and one loses identity. One person remains the same while the other changes, or should I say surrenders.
I don't know how I feel about all of this. But it's reality and I have done the very same thing...lose myself. For a long time I had myself in a state of no identity and confusion. I was in limbo. Just floating! Inertia! Like a buffer fly in a strong wind. I went where ever life took me.
I'm still confused! I've never found that close to perfect loving partner but I have made much progress in the way of ridding myself of people who have brought me down. Problem was, I hooked up with the likes of my mother in my partner. My ex would hate to hear that. She did; however, bring me through great changes.
I should have moved away from all of them years ago into a gay community. But, gay communities only began about fifteen to twenty years ago. I am talking about ones that were not the obvious totally butch camps.
Everyone is looking for love rather they realize it or not; but, you never heard the word mention. You have hear so and so did me wrong - that bitch. Or it's all about sex. the "L" word, the "love" word is never mentioned enough.
Or maybe the "L" word is a label or should I say bandage to cover-up controlling behavior? Remember, money is power. Education is power.
Would I let the good doctor in if she knocked on my door - you bet! In a New York minute. She could control me any way she wanted.
Sometimes like my 05SL (05 summer love) I just don't get people! Sometimes they all seem shallow and selfish and too silly. Where in the hell can you go to get a one on one two directional conversation? I'm tired of the silly stuff.
Either people are complaining about something of their emotional or physical self or they are criticizing the other guy. Or they are just plain preaching meaningless words. Most of it turns to ridiculous hints of sex.
But, when it's all said and done..I guess I'm the truest to myself or my worst enemy. I don't have a clue about this love stuff. I do feel that I am my own best friend. I am secure and by this time I pretty much know people. And one thing is for secure there might be age differences but they are all pretty much the same and the cycle is just that a cycle of life passages and repeats.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
My day today!
December 12: Your positive strength is especially noticeable today, and you may find that you are radiating gloriously out to the people around you, dear Libra. Make no mistake that this is due to your polite, gentle, and peaceful nature. You are the jewel that is not always noticed or appreciated as much as it should be. More than likely, you leave it up to others to make the first move. You might want to consider being the initiator today. The world is in your hands.
I think I will execute my independence today and that the initiative to hit on someone! Hopefully, I get lucky!
The gym has been quite interesting..seems some women don't mind baring it all. I don't mind at all.
My shower stall neighbor throws a towel over the side that slapped me in the head as I was leaning about the divider wall between her and I pulling up my running shorts over my damp feet. I was surprised at the smack and mentally almost subconsciously noted that I deserved to see some bareness for that slightly rude behavior. Having forgotten what I mentally noted then. Well, justice was well served anyway for of all things upon leaving my stall when I was finished and heading to deposit an Accel Gel wrapper in the waste bin across the isle, I noticed her stall door wide open and shower curtain parted exposing, I must say, a very attractive bare butt! Yes indeed, justice was served for the surprised attack towel smacking I got!
The other day as left my locker after gathering my running clothes to change from my swimming suit a full frontal bare lady was walking across the isle in front of me from the waste bin back into her shower stall. She was smiling and not hurrying. I just slightly smiled back. Hey, beauty is beauty! She probably worked hard to maintain and develop that beauty; yes, why not show it off a little...maybe no one at home was appreciating it! It did!
Okay, I'm meeting friends out tonight. I would love to meet someone new and interesting. And yes, I'm to the point where I would definitely take the initiative in striking up a conversation or perhaps even slightly flirting a bit. Someone has to get these things moving and why shouldn't it be me.
I'm ready for that relationship now. Gee, timing is everything. Well, she (my mark of interest) has chosen another so I must strike out on my own and find someone for myself.
In retrospect the younger one was too young in manner and social experience and lacked conversation skills. I prefer somewhat closer to my age and hot topic knowledgeable and provoking in conversation. I think you can only find that in older, wiser, more experienced women. Truly too, I prefer feminine; butch need not apply! A swimmer would be a nice touch! A sure to be healthy and slender. Hm! Surely they are not all straight! Bi could apply!
It's time for ..dare I say.. a relationship?
I think I will execute my independence today and that the initiative to hit on someone! Hopefully, I get lucky!
The gym has been quite interesting..seems some women don't mind baring it all. I don't mind at all.
My shower stall neighbor throws a towel over the side that slapped me in the head as I was leaning about the divider wall between her and I pulling up my running shorts over my damp feet. I was surprised at the smack and mentally almost subconsciously noted that I deserved to see some bareness for that slightly rude behavior. Having forgotten what I mentally noted then. Well, justice was well served anyway for of all things upon leaving my stall when I was finished and heading to deposit an Accel Gel wrapper in the waste bin across the isle, I noticed her stall door wide open and shower curtain parted exposing, I must say, a very attractive bare butt! Yes indeed, justice was served for the surprised attack towel smacking I got!
The other day as left my locker after gathering my running clothes to change from my swimming suit a full frontal bare lady was walking across the isle in front of me from the waste bin back into her shower stall. She was smiling and not hurrying. I just slightly smiled back. Hey, beauty is beauty! She probably worked hard to maintain and develop that beauty; yes, why not show it off a little...maybe no one at home was appreciating it! It did!
Okay, I'm meeting friends out tonight. I would love to meet someone new and interesting. And yes, I'm to the point where I would definitely take the initiative in striking up a conversation or perhaps even slightly flirting a bit. Someone has to get these things moving and why shouldn't it be me.
I'm ready for that relationship now. Gee, timing is everything. Well, she (my mark of interest) has chosen another so I must strike out on my own and find someone for myself.
In retrospect the younger one was too young in manner and social experience and lacked conversation skills. I prefer somewhat closer to my age and hot topic knowledgeable and provoking in conversation. I think you can only find that in older, wiser, more experienced women. Truly too, I prefer feminine; butch need not apply! A swimmer would be a nice touch! A sure to be healthy and slender. Hm! Surely they are not all straight! Bi could apply!
It's time for ..dare I say.. a relationship?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Twenty years later.....
we have come full circle and are now back to saturated fats. Now, today, the bad guy is trans fats.
Yeah, I always thought there is nothing better than "natural" fats.
The restaurants in New York, by law, must change from cooking with trans fat to saturated natural fats. Most cooks prefer cooking with trans fat because food stay crisp longer then foods cooks with saturated fat which get soft within three or four hours.
Trans fat; however, clines to arteries for keeps and are dangerous to your health. Remember twenty years ago when we had the heart attack scares and the food producers jumped on new products to sell. They probably always knew that trans fat was worse for you then saturated fats; but, hey, a buck is a buck.
Remember the Atkin's diet? Yes, the food producers got on that bandwagon too, even with brownie mixes made with Splenda. I can no longer find those mixes. I guess Duncan Hines doesn't make them anymore. They probably weren't selling enough of them and so discontinued them.
And what ever happened to Diet Rite soda? I think it became a high power 8.4 oz can of vitamin packed soda. For a good buzz, try one. I did and liked it.
From time to time I do need a buzz to get my energy up so I can run, swim and work out on weight machines. Personally, I prefer Accel Gel with protein and caffeine. I also like Spot Blocs which are little jello like candies with optional caffeine added.
And how about seat belts and all those air bags? Of course with those super sized SUV's out there we in cars need all the protection we can get. I hate those big vehicles. They piss me off! You can't see through the medal or the extra dark tinted windows. I hate to park next to one. It's like parking next to a tall building in which you have to pull out at your own risk. There is just no seeing around them. I hate them! When I'm running I hate coming upon cars with super dark tinted windows. Personally, I want to make eye contact with the driver because I want to make sure he sees me! Most drivers are blind to runners and bicyclist; especially if they do neither themselves. Sometimes I think they would just a soon hit me as not. God these people can be hateful. I think they hate me because I am making an effort to take care of myself and stay cute and healthy. I pray everytime I'm out there amongst these drivers who are so easily distracted by cell phones, cigarettes or the sun in their eyes; and speed!
Yeah, I always thought there is nothing better than "natural" fats.
The restaurants in New York, by law, must change from cooking with trans fat to saturated natural fats. Most cooks prefer cooking with trans fat because food stay crisp longer then foods cooks with saturated fat which get soft within three or four hours.
Trans fat; however, clines to arteries for keeps and are dangerous to your health. Remember twenty years ago when we had the heart attack scares and the food producers jumped on new products to sell. They probably always knew that trans fat was worse for you then saturated fats; but, hey, a buck is a buck.
Remember the Atkin's diet? Yes, the food producers got on that bandwagon too, even with brownie mixes made with Splenda. I can no longer find those mixes. I guess Duncan Hines doesn't make them anymore. They probably weren't selling enough of them and so discontinued them.
And what ever happened to Diet Rite soda? I think it became a high power 8.4 oz can of vitamin packed soda. For a good buzz, try one. I did and liked it.
From time to time I do need a buzz to get my energy up so I can run, swim and work out on weight machines. Personally, I prefer Accel Gel with protein and caffeine. I also like Spot Blocs which are little jello like candies with optional caffeine added.
And how about seat belts and all those air bags? Of course with those super sized SUV's out there we in cars need all the protection we can get. I hate those big vehicles. They piss me off! You can't see through the medal or the extra dark tinted windows. I hate to park next to one. It's like parking next to a tall building in which you have to pull out at your own risk. There is just no seeing around them. I hate them! When I'm running I hate coming upon cars with super dark tinted windows. Personally, I want to make eye contact with the driver because I want to make sure he sees me! Most drivers are blind to runners and bicyclist; especially if they do neither themselves. Sometimes I think they would just a soon hit me as not. God these people can be hateful. I think they hate me because I am making an effort to take care of myself and stay cute and healthy. I pray everytime I'm out there amongst these drivers who are so easily distracted by cell phones, cigarettes or the sun in their eyes; and speed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)