It's snowing and I'm still alive..

I want a change! It can even be death (no illness or injury); but I want a change of heart! I need a change, a big change in my life. I need a sexual loving relationship. A mutual relationship with a youthful, healthy, active, loving, free-spirit, young at heart woman.

I need a change of heart. I need to push all fears aside and be brave and daring or die whatever comes first. I'm a little sick of all this shit, quit frankly. I'm sick of seeing happy people. Fuck 'em!

Oh, I guess I'll go to bed. I can't keep my fire lite. I'm tired. And maybe we will have a foot of snow by morning and in that case.. I probably won't see her for a week.

I just need to see her soon..to heal my heart. You see, I had a crush; an in appropriate crush (what other kind is there?) on a young woman. She's with another and it broke my heart. I like who she is wish. I'm just jealous. Their relationship is something I never had at that tender age they are. I was cheated so badly and I have felt for sting now for years. I wish god or the universe, whoever, loved me enough to give me a loving, sexual, compatible, mutual love relationship.

I say I don't want a relationship but I do... I want to be in love. I'm just jealous! I never had a loving giggly relationship.

I saved the seats, I gathered the friends, I bought some drinks too. We danced. But I didn't get the girl. It's time to put a little space in between them and me - for a while.

And it will be okay.. I suppose. Hopefully, I'll get that space and the love of my life

Wish I had a lover

on this cold wintery day. I'm loney and depressed. Well, I just had the wind knocked out of me and a severe touch of reality. I'll never have my 20's or 30's. I'll never have fun, carefree, love. Of course she loves someone closer to her age...am I fucking nuts. I live in a fucking dream world. Well, I just woke up!

And reality hurts very badly. I missed out on so much. I am so depressed I could flat out die and be grateful for the break. Then before I come back I would reconsider very carefully.

This was not a good life for receiving love. I longed to be loved sinced I was a "good for nothing" so I heard, kid. I was so lonely then and now...nothing new.

My heart hurts. I had hope for sweet love and now I have given up on that idea. Why would anyone want to date up when they can date down in age....

And why would anyone want someone to merely loves them..like T the doctor, or D the 05SL I fucked up, or this last one I have a crush on. Am I fucking nuts. Am I fucking nuts to think anyone of them would even consider wanting me. I don't fucking know how to love or be loved..hello. Maybe if I would have been shown as a kid? There was NO love in my family of continuous arguments and hatefulness. Coldness prevailed. My mother never held me. There were no hugs, no kisses. My father was there but totally NOT there except to belittle, berate, or teach me a lesson. I hate the fucking son of a bitch! There were no words of encouragement from anyone in the family only ridicule. So you wonder why I love inappropriately? When I was a kid if a "older" girl was sweet to me, even for a second, I loved her for life. I fell madly in love. I was so shy I couldn't speak, much less thing of something audible to speak. There were no words for how I felt; I just knew I had a constant craving; an endless ache and that was an ache to be loved. I grew to hate my family and not trust anyone. All I can do now, that it's too late, is pray. Fucking prayers...I haven't seen any results? And the church fucked up my life to begin with.....lesbians being evil and all. Assholes! I have prayed all of my life for help. In the 80's when I was so in love with her (she didn't have a clue) and she was getting married; my heart ached. I kicked the couch. I begged and pleaded then to die. "Please take me". I begged. I'm begging again. I have had enough! GET ME THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF HERE!

I'm crying inside. Everyone is paired up and happy. I expected something more out of life. I just can't understand why I have this capacity to fall so in love - for nothing. Why do I fall and why do I fall for younger women. I am so out of the race; I'm not even seen.

I know why I fall for younger women; it's because I never got the chance to love them physically (only in my fucking dreams) when I was younger. THANKS ALOT ASSHOLES.

I think I have had enough of this lifetime and I want OUT! There is nothing here for me. I out OUT! And I want my death to be swift; very swift and as painless and fearless as possible. I want it to be sudden...even a surprise to me. I am serious here. Get me out of here...I want to go back to the other side for awhile.

I WANT OUT! I'm tired..so tired. Please? Please help me..get me out of here. I'm screwed up emotionally. Hey fuck-head I'm pushing fucky sexy.. I want OUT Hey a Freudian slip.. I meant to say sixty....but said sexy. Maybe there is a ray of hope somewhere in this useless pointless existence. Most women my age don't even want sex. I crave SEX! Fuckheads! Most women my age have one fucking foot in the grave already...I can run circles around women half my fucking age! But, look where I am? It just pissed me off! Half of me wants to fucking die and the other half wants me to puff up and beat the shit out of these stupid ass people! But, who gives a fuck! I don't even care anymore? The least is up!

I hope I get to see her..

It's raining now and the temperature is 35 F degrees and according to this hourly weather map I'm looking at the temperature should stay hovering right over the freezing mark.

If she gets here, she can stay here. I am so ready to see her it's been over a week now. I need to see her...or I'll fucking kill myself. Don't piss me off enough.. or I'll just do it.

Yesterday the temperature was in the 70's so the ground should stay warm enough for a while. I'm getting antsy (restless or impatient).

Actually, my heart isn't into the dinner this weekend..sense the mystery is over with A and she is with A..it's no fun anymore. Besides, I'm jealous of all the giggling. I missed out on those days way back when life was straight and narrow and there were no lesbians on this fucking planet..except for fucking big mean butch dykes in boots and flannel. No thanks, I thought, I'm already with a man..thank you kindly. No wonder I was depressed and hopeless! I deserve a fucking second chance and I'm taking it. You ass holes.. how dare you jerk me around like me...I'm fucking pissed!

I am so fucking jealous and stupid to think I even stood a chance. My gut hurts with jealousy..there I said it.

Funny how things change. Why on earth do older lesbians think they have to dress in kakki and polo? I just don't get it?

Anyway, why am I going on about the "dress". I am so jealous, I can't see anything else in my head but them two together. I need to get over this. I did it to myself. I am a fucking idiot! A damn fucking asshole idiot!

Yes, we certainly do create our own fucking realities..there was the doctor two years ago and now this fucking mess. Why do I do it to myself? I wish I was dead. I wish I could die and just start over again. How did this life get so fucked up - from the time I was born - to those idiots in that horrible selfish, loveless environment. Why did I even stick around this long and put myself into all this fucking misery? Why can't I have what I want for a fucking change? I'm tired of sitting on the side lines thinking I desire fucking nothing...see what those assholes did to me; and the fucking catholic church...may they all burn in the hell they choose to believe in. Fucking idiots! There is no hell, you jack offs...you are living it now! Oh, all except the priests and the big shot old fucking white men to make up all the fucking rules in their favor of course.

Yeah, let's keep the women down, where they fucking belong. Why would any women want to marry one of those fucking idiots who think they fucking know everything.

See what the church as done to me and years of isolation growing up with evil dog murdering idiots. They are all self serving hypocrites. Why was I born so soon. Why didn't I wait! And why did I choose those ass holes?

Where is my chance? Where is that love I always needed? Bunch of fucking assholes!

Create our own realities...bull, fucking, shit! What a fucking crock! Some people would do anything to sell fucking DVD's.

I never had that happiness.... that exhilerating happiness...never. I never had extreme giggling and happiness filled with loving sex. It's not fucking fair! You fucked me over!

Now, that I'm all fucked up in my head..it's too fucking late. Ass hole humans and the fucking universe.

You fucking dangle it right in front of me.. but yet I never get my dream. Why! Hey fucking universe, I'm talking to you! I want to know why? If this is my reality and I can create my reality, then why did all this happen to me...why did I fall in love with her and why is she right now with someone else? I did not create this!!!

Why did the universe fuck me up... and don't say I created my my own reality. I'm not buying that fucking bull crap. You are not putting the blame right back on me..assholes. I'm pissed! She was meant for me... not her...me! Me! You fucking assholes!

Stop fucking with me! Ass hole son-of-bitches! I hope you're fucking happy! She was supposed to be mine! T and this one..were supposed to be mine.. you fucked me over and I'm pissed!

Get it right.. you ass holes! Get it fucking right... or get me the fucking hell out of here and off this fucking planet! You pissed me off one fucking last time...screw you..

I saw 05SL this evening..

I took the chicken way out.. I wanted to speak with her; but, was afraid she would be short and appear not wanting to talk. She did not even acknowledge my presence the last time I saw her at a popular coffee house. From her outfit, it appears she is back into Tae Kwon do. I hope she is doing okay! Too bad we don't talk. I am willing. I guess I just chickened out. I wish we could carry on a conversation. Too bad!

Anyway, seeing her brought back fond memories. I hope she is well and everything is going good for her.

Snow is coming...

We are due to get a few inches...maybe six to eight? I don't care I have enough to do in the neighborhood to keep from getting bored. I can walk anywhere if it's not slick.

My only concern is eating all day tomorrow. To keep from eating, maybe I could do yoga, take a walk in the snow. Walk down to the Bread Co., with L. I wonder if the power will go off?

I hope M can come to visit and if necessary she can stay. I'll call her in the morning and leave a message. I was going to text message now..but her phone signaling the chat message may wake her..she gets up very early. I would imagine she would be busy in the morning too...maybe not.

I hope she decides to come see me and possibly stays until the snow lets up on Friday. Otherwise maybe she can come to see me on Sunday.

I have to keep in mind that she is attached, let's say.

I think the possibility of a heavy snow fall is exciting. It's the first for the year. We'll see how it goes.

I Need to Have a Change of Heart

Let's just think about this logically! Who needs this? I don't! She is just not into me!

I need to hang with the one that is into me!

But, god with all due respect, she doesn't move my heart and soul and the other one does..the young who is much too young.

What is wrong with me? Am I totally out of my mind? I need to get my head screws on correctly!

I feel my problem is that I did not have my youth to love whom I wanted and needed to love. I was denied a lesbian life style. There were no lesbians anywhere! Well, on the extreme butch who scared me and so I knew I could ot be a lesbian. In my youth, I thought I was the only woman with strong feelings for other woman. Oh god, why couldn't I have lived my life the way it was meant to be lived. Oh god, I missed out on so much and it can never be relived.

Life is so cruel. If I wouldn't have broken away two years ago I still would have been in the trap. At least now, I am free to be me. I just can't help that I fall in love with younger women. I wish this crush who go away. I need to get rid of these feelings for her.

Is it just because I can't have her that I want her so much? It doesn't matter what the reason is; I need to get over it and move on and fall in love with someone else.

I'm in limbo. I can't love someone of my own age.

I guess I'm in search for life. Truth be told, I think that I am in search for days gone by; days that were never lived.

I was born way too soon. I want to die and come back again as a lesbian to the most loving mother in the world. She'll love me and she'll enjoy me and hold me no matter how big or old I get. She'll encourage me. I won't be afraid of anything. I'll be out going and successful. I'll be loved and loving. I'll be a lesbian who is out at the age of at least thirteen..with other girls my age. Love will be so sweet and fullfilling. My heart will never ache. I will be truly happy and content and so comfortable in my own skin. My mind will be clear to think and remember every word I heard and everything I see. I will have a photographic memory for audio and vision. I will do wonderful things in life. I will be loved and loving. Life will be so happy and full. I can't wait until my next life!

I don't fit well in this life. This life was too hard emotionally. My heart hurt me for most of my life. It aches even now for someone.

I truly hope seeing my life escape loving person tomorrow helps me. She seems older than me. A mother figure almost. She holds me and heals my heart. I pray to god I don't break down in her presence..it would ruin the whole relationship.

Right now, I'm too depressed to even worry about tomorrow. I think I'll take two S.A.M.E before I go to my yoga class. I hope I don't cry there. I cried while running today. It's very hard to cry and run; I couldn't breath with that huge lump in my throat and actually, I didn't care if I breathed or not.

I'm tired. I want so much to be in love; to be giggely happy and estastic with love, touch and laugher. I need so to be happy. I need a fucking miracle!

I couldn't have the good doctor (oh yeah, she's coming alright? What a forest, Ezekiel!). I could keep D, my 05 summer love. And here it is again about the same time of the time and my heart is hurting again.

I just need to make up my mind that to give a flying fuck about anyone and then my heart wouldn't hurt. I'll work on that!

I'm tired of wasting my life away; I want to be head over heels in love and have that love returned. I want her to be special, fun and beautiful and love me in return. No on has ever pursued me. I have had always to do the leg work. What's the fucking deal with that! I'm quite the catch..I'm getting younger every day in action, appearance, physically and attitude. I am reborn every day. Fuck those old days of emotional pain.

Today, this moment, I began a new life of fearlessness and self-love and beautiful younger women will fight over me. They will want to make love with me and even tell me that they do. I will be on great demand. I am in great demand at this very moment. Younger attractive women will let me know that they want me.

You see if only I could have lived as a lesbian in my 20's, 30'd and beyond, I would have most of these desires out of my sytem. But, as it was, I had to pretend that I didn't love women. I had to pretend that I was straight. Sex with men, was oh such a waste of time now that I can compare it to sex with a woman who's very breath of passion turns me on so much and I want to please her so much. It's wonderful! I never felt that way at all with men - never. Sex with men: A fucking waste of time! And all that preaching and teaching they do - I hate it! They think they fucking know women. Men think they fucking know everything and think they are smarter, stronger and better than women; they are so fucking wrong. Yet I see women, still think men are god's gift. Wrong! They are so wrong! Straight women would agree with me in a heartbeat. I just can't see it!

I have watched "The Secret". The power lies with me. I have learned that now. I guess my mission is to show the world that I can grow younger not older in every way. Just watch me! Step aside - you haven't seen anything yet. You want attitude.. I have attitude! Plenty of it! I will not be left behind. I will have "knock-in-me-the-head" love in my life very soon

I know nothing!

I know everything! I love no one! I love everyone! Life is grand!

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I'm stuffed with turkey and dressing and the rest of it. I ate Thanksgiving dinners on Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm blessed with the wonder of the gay community - my true family!

Although, truth be told, Columbus was indeed a terrorist wasn't he? He came, he killed, he conquered - innocent people unsuspecting people who were going about their lives minding their own business.

Life is sweet for me and I am most grateful! The secret of life is to think positively. Dream and your dreams can come true! I am so blessed in so many ways!

Personally, I believe in "The Secret"

"The Secret" ( a DVD or paid 4.95 to watch on your computer) is common sense enlightenment; if only we would choose to believe it!

So many people are lost in black and white, good vs. evil, you are damned and will go to hell back watered religion. Religious fanatics do not want you to know that the power is indeed within you.

We are spiritual being living in human form here on earth. Our spirit lives on even after our bodies die and we can choose to return and live another life as a human being many times, if we wish, and if we know that we can. The empowerment lies within our enlightenment.

If we believe - we have the power to do and accomplish whatever we wish. We can believe that we are becoming older or younger. We can think thoughts, positive thoughts, and gain happiness and fortunes if we choose. We need only to believe in ourselves and love ourselves.

Religious beliefs want us to hate ourselves and think we are evil sinners - how else can they control us?

We do not need religion - the power of positive thought lies within us. Believe and it will happen...so be careful that you only believe in positive things, such as gaining, happiness, love, wealth, and good health.

It works, the health is here, my youthfulness is here, I have loves in my life. I have enough jingle in my pocket to get me by. And I can get traffic lights to turn to green...especially if I know they are set for drivers driving 30 MPH. Parking spaces...if I want' I can plan one right near the door. And if I choose and I do..she loves me. She loves me very much. I only need to invite her into my arms and she will come to me and she does come to me..she loves me too and wants me; she wants my love. I love myself and my love over flows to others. Others see and feel my love I have to give and return love to me. The laws of attraction are very powerful.

I belong to a group and I believe that people enter this group for a reason. They come to us. Of course they come and go. Sometimes they depart after their needs are met. This group is made up of very like minded spiritual beings who are attracted to each other by their positive, love for life and each other, energy.

We are attracted to each other because ultimately we are all one with the universe; we and the universe, everything in it, is made up of pure energy that lives on and on...

When I think of this I become very excited and can't wait for the future. I can use my energy in any way I wish...to choose not to grow older but become more younger in appearance, mannerisms, actions, thoughts, wishes, loves. My body is looking younger and firmer everyday. Now people mistake me for my forties...soon it will be younger yet. I need only to believe and of course, eat correctly and most importantly of all...exercise and think youthful thoughts.

To create a youthful appearance I run, swim, bicycle, walk, and do yoga. And I eat correctly; but most of all I believe in myself; love myself and think youthful positive thoughts.

I plan on becoming an author and a sketch artist. I do not allow other's negative words and thoughts and judgemental and critical words to negatively affect me. For I believe that tearing someone down does up lift another up; but, still some people try to do this. In my eyes, it backfires; it doesn't build them up, instead, it brings them down a notch on my personally, kindess scale. I do not believe in negative, derogative comments targets at lwhat they think are less fortunate beings.

Now get into yourself, love yourself (there is nothing wrong with that---don't believe that religion/church crap any longer). The true power lies within each and every one of us...I cannot stress that more. Live your life from within outward..knows the power of positive thoughts can create the reality you dream about..the happy one..not the negative, depressing one.

Do as I do.. avoid negative people who are trapped in a lost negative self-created environment. Some are so stuck they cannot crawl out of the negativity. Separate yourself from the negative... I have and I am so much more happier!

Thank the universe... for steering me in the correct direction and away from THEM, the evil, negative, sorrowful, hopeless and helpless ones who are stuck.

Made myself sick!

Big mistake - taking vitamins right before running. Well, I made it through the six mile run there. I even swam for forty minutes. But, after swallowing a little water, I began belching desolving pills! Ugh! I barely did a bit of a workout and deciding to walk the six miles back home and forget about trying to run! My stomach was too upset! My saliva glands were over active and I spit the whole way back. I am finally home eating crackers.

A Need To Break Free!

Yes, I do feel a need to break free today! There are persons I could call but perhaps enjoying this beautiful day alone may be ideal. I want to run about ten miles, swim and work out at the gym. One's too young! One is too distant when it comes to life experiences? One's too crabby! One has too much baggage! One has too many self infected aches and pains for her age! One is occupied!

So! I'm a loner today. Okay! It's ten already and time to get my running clothes on.

Perhaps I'll call a lover tomorrow! If she is available, I'll see can her later tomorrow evening after I get back from the women's (party of thirty) dinner. Maybe we'll talk more of Arizona and the cheat lesbian bed and breakfast.

Okay time to more. When I get back, I want to finished baking the not-to-baked pumpkin pie, find some pansy seeds on line. I love them, they are growing all over my neighborhood! I want to fix a shallow bowl like pot with dirt and watch them grow out my patio door on my deck this winter! Also, I want to investigate more lesbian bed and breakfasts in Arizona. And a nice southwestern throw on my couch would be better than the one I have that looks scottish somehow...

Off I go!

I'm Confused!

My hearts aches for one....and I miss the other!

Amazing! No one sees how precious and special she is. I miss her the moment she is out of my sight! She's precious fun and wonderful. So carefree and light hearted!

And then I have a lover! She is warm, tender and wonderful! I miss her too! But I am afraid of that situation. I'm protected by marriage.

May the universe help me out! I just have a loving heart, I guess! The universe will figure it all out for me! I'll just keep both loves.

How could anyone, not want her? She precious and adorable. God help me!

Love is such a lonely place. How I would love to make love to her...I can't. Just can't! Will never get the chance..she not there! She certainly isn't in to me - that way! And I think she is such a precious gift of life. I pray for her, safety, health, wealth, and wisdom. I love her so much!

And here is to all the loves of my life! I wished they all "rocked" my soul and very being like she does! She is truly magical! Such a god sent! Thank you!

Thank you for allowing me into her life. I am so grateful!

Thanksgiving is Passed

Well, just about and it was a good one! I did a run this morning that about wore me out. Visited with friends. And spent time with friends in the evening.

Makes you wonder doesn't it?

That young one makes my heart beat! She is as precious as can be!

A Magical Thanksgiving Celebration!

I had a wonderful day! She was wonderful! Unexpectedly she called and came over..I'm beaming!

Tommorrow morning will be a cold run but my loving friends will warm it up! The members of this group are priceless. They are my family - without them what would I do!

I have many caring friends! Priceless! I am very blessed!

I pray my appreciation for their good fortune, health, safety and happiness. Mine too! I am here for them!

There is a very special one! I have a crush?

Can life get any better? It's so magical as it is! I grant my wish and then let it up to the universe to work it's magic! And I am always amazed and get so much more than what I could ever even expect!

What a Thanksgiving I will have..so much to be thankful for!

I love my freedom! Finally, in my life, I am so free to be me!

Today I walked a bit with a friend who is in the middle of a break up! Yes, very depressed! But, she is so stuck; so much so, that I don't know if she can ever pull herself out! It must be serving some purpose is the only thing I can figure! She is stuck and doesn't listen to even consider!

Yes, we do create our own realities! She is so lost! I had to try hard not for her to bring me down. I have gotten away from all of that! Some people just want to complain. Complain to me only if you are willing to do the work to turn your life around! Life does not just happen to you. Realities are created by us! Some people don't get this and do not even want to hear about it! Oh woe is her - everything happens to her. She allows it to happen! So! All I can do is wish her a lot of lot! I cannot communicate at all with her... she drains my energy!

So, I am really looking forward to my friends tomorrow morning; who are runners. They are active, healthy and content! They love life and embrace it! They GOT the message!

Working out, swimming and running tomorrow!

I didn't do anything today..where did the day go? I went to meditation this evening and I'm glad I did. Funny, what you can learn from other people. We are all connected in some way. People enter into our lives for reason..sometimes I like to hang around long enough and listen to see what I can learn. I guess that's the whole purpose!

I'l get up and run in the morning, to the gym, where I'll swim and then work out once again on weight machines. I did all that on Sunday! I don't know what happened today? Did I get up to late. Oh I know, I started working on some things I had to do and the time got away from me...before I knew it, lap swimming time was about over with. Tommorow is another day.

Maybe I'm crabby because I didn't get my workout? Or too much caffeine? Or because my dog bugs the heck out of me. It's all perfectly innocent I know but still..

Between the screaming commericals on TV and her bouncing up and down..I needed a beer! No, I didn't drink one.

Well, the TV is off now and the dog is sleeping and I hope that I am calming down...so much for attending the meditation session this evening.

I'll be glad when I can get to see my friend; hopefully, on Thursday afternoon. In the morning is the three mile Turkey Run then breakfast with the running group.

Anyway, good night! I'm tired now once again. I guess I calmed down.

Why am I inside today? It's beautiful out..

It's forty-six degrees out and sunny.. I need to be heading down to the gym. I can't believe it's 1:30 PM already! Damn!

Yesterday I ran five to and from the gym and while there swam and worked out. I hate when I don't get my workout in.

I'll see what I can do! Working out clears my mind and it seems everything flows evenly and naturally after I work out. Only after I work out do my thought become clear and focused.

I need to do one thing and then quickly decide my next move for today.

Lap swim at the gym is until 3:30 PM.. so I best be moving along.

This evening at 7:30 PM is Meditation and I so want to go to that. Spiritually I want to move to a higher level of consciousness and clarity. I want to develop my natural inner powers and gifts. I have already risen to a higher plane but I want to rise even higher. I've gotten past the material plane on to the collective plane; that is, that we are all part of the big picture, the whole of the universe. We are all connected.

I have a friend who sees ghosts. She is very calm and comfortable with herself. She knows where she is coming from. She tells me her last two partners could read her mind. I suggested that the universe connected them because they are on the same plane. Am I close to being there myself? Was she and I brought together for a purpose? And then on the other hand, was the youngest one and I brought together for a reason? All I know is it appears that the group of people, that organization, I belong too is indeed magical. And I was so in love the summer before! Imagine!

Life is so mystical and exciting. I just saw a picture too, of the good doctor. It makes me miss her. What was the reason for that? Why did we see each other in pasting a year later? Too know we each were doing okay! What was the reason for me to tell her how I felt? Maybe, someday I'll find out?

Love is funny in a way. We create our own loves in our own minds. Because why would someone be so favorable one minute and then a year later, perhaps, fall out of favor? The person themselves probably didn't change. Maybe, we got to know them a little better? Or maybe we change. Maybe I changed? Who knows? Anyway, I must get going!

Later!

The Ultimate Reality!

The ultimate reality! Reality is what we make it. Life is an illusion! It's what we make of it! Are we angry, happy, feel loving?

I have a great day today. I ran in the windy cold for a total of ten miles. No, it didn't feel that cold when I was running. It felt more cold when I was out walking my dog. Running is warming and I took my long sleeve shirt off and ran in my short sleeves. I ran to the gym and swam for thrity minutes, showered, and then worked out on the weight machines for about thirty minutes.. then ran back home.

When I got home, I ate and sang and played my guitar and recorded it so I could hear myself. Now, I'm sitting and listening. Next time I'll put the tape recorder's mic right in front of the amp speaker so I get more of the guitar sound. As it is my voice over rides my guitar sound; although I can still hear it in the background..it could be more balanced. My guitar playing is actually not that bad! I play a good beat! I just need to have the sounds more balanced.

Let's see if I can get through this whole tape (45 minutes) before Emma wants something or has to go outside! I'm batting a thousand today! Now, she's just looking at me..and thinking her next move ... I know she is.

Running in Neutral!

We need to know how to abandon attachment. Emotions create attachment of desire. In other words if you don't care (don't feel) emotions than you won't suffer. Well, that makes sense.

Being able to remain in the state of "neutral" is wisdom. A situation of suffering can leave to enlightenment and then you understand the nature of suffering and in the future can abandon it. So then you gain an antedote which is wisdom. Emotions come from a sense of "self". We think - I am important; my feeling are important.

Enlightened people are beyond the sense of "self". The buddist figure out "emptiness" two thousand years ago. the nature of all phenomena. The budda have already abandoned suffering. "Let it go!"

We create our own negativity and suffering.

The Spirit World!

I have a new friend who can see ghosts. Yes, I said "ghosts!" And she will tell you that she can matter-of-factly and without blinking an eye; like everyone has this capability. Maybe we do? I find it most intreging and fascintating. So much, that I want to speak with her in dept about this. Of course she probably already knows this.

Oh yes, people who are psyhic ususally attract others who are the same. There was time two times in the past few days where I have said to her. "You have read my mind". I don't usually use that phrase or I haven't for a very long time, but for some reason it just seemed to fit at the time. The weather was getting bad and I thought to myself that it would be better to eat some place at the mall where we were going to see the movie. She called almost immediately after I thought that.

There was another time I felt she read my mind and that was last night when she suggested that we go eat at the restaurant that we didn't get a chance to eat at on Wednesday. I like this person and I'm sure she already knows that.

I guess she can read my every thought and I really don't mind. I don't think that I have any different thoughts that anyone else who is of sound mind. I know one thing, I like her more each time I see her and get to know her better.

I don't see ghost but I have spoke to an channeled spirit, Ezekiel; who is the coolest spirit I Know. Well, actually, he is the only one with which I have spoken.

I truly believe in the spirit world. I believe that ghost that she sees just isn't ready to move on or doesn't know that she can move on.

If we do not learn about this stuff before we die then we can be stuff in limbo. Certainly, the church or any religion will NOT tell you that the power lies within and that we have much more power then what we think. We can design our destiny and watch it unfold with magical moments. I have them all the time!

All I have to do is desire, dream and be wishful. We have the power within to create our own universes and our spirit guides will aid us in the process.

In conversation with my friend I was affirmed that I did see my spirit guide in the form of a slight dark figure at my left temple when I was in the time of stress. And cleary he said to me. "It's okay, you can tell her how you feel. It will be okay!" And it was. For some reason too, in my most intimate moment with this woman I loved; my mother's self-centered, manipulative and egotistical face appeared in wordless expression she said. "You can love anyone else; only me!" I angerly pushed her vision away! It was a nano-second later that my spirit guide appeared to me.

I don't see ghosts and I do not remember my past lives; however, I believe both exist. I am eager to learn more. I wish I was psyhic too! I wish I could get into other people's thoughts and dreams. I wish I could know what they were when I past that person; or when I choose to hear or sense their thoughts.

Sensing other's thoughts sure would make my life a little easier I think. "How does she really feel about me, is a question would be answered.

In a way, I think I do have a six sense about knowing people right-off. I know when I can tease or kid someone innocently enough without offending them.

Life is wonderful and such a manificent adventure embraced with the sense of the warmth of love; but, only if we put that feeling out there first.

Maybe I should talk to Ezekiel again soon and too, make it a point to read more about the world we are all attacted too - the spirit world. We are all spirits here in human form to be embraced by loving hearts and held in loving arms. We are here for the intimacy; of this, I am sure!

I love my life! Finally, away from all adversity, I am free to be me! I am embraced by my friends who are my surrogate families. I am so happy and so free to be me! I have plenty of love and a lover who misses me when she is out of town! I have an adorable bright eyed young friend who worries about me! God, I love her! Please, universe, let HER read my mind! Not long ago, I was worried about her - and just told her that I loved her.

When I am around her and some of my very special friends I do not want to be anywhere else. I truly believe that my running group is made up of like spirited people. Is it because we run and work so hard that our energies are heighten to a higher plane of observation and knowledge? Is that what bring us all together? The organization was formed and now we see these wonderful people come to us. Are like spirited people just drawn to each other, naturally.

Am I drawn to this woman who sees ghosts and reads minds. She said two of her former girlfriends could read HER mind. Did she just not want to admit she could read my mind? Or did she admit that she could, and I thought she was merely kidding! Well, I believe her now. And frankly I don't care if she can read my mind. I think the ability is fascintating.

There are so people I want to be able to read my mind; because life would be so much more interesting, easier and fun if they could. People would know how much I love them and how I always see the "positive" things about them; that I am more prone to recognize the positive rather than the negative characteristics.

I love life! I know too, that when I choose to leave this earth that I will pick the method and time. I know that I will pick an event that is "quick" and the lease painful. I can't wait sometimes to go away and be able to come back and try it all over again. I know for certain, that I will return again as a lesbian. I know too, that I will be born to a woman, like the good doctor, who is very loving and WANTS me. She will teach, nurture and hold me alot and love me with all her heart and I her. My dad will be wonderful too! And helping and nurturing. My parents will be very intelligent and I will be exceptionally intelligent with a photograthic memory. I will have a wonderful common sense attitude regarding life, love and just everything. I begin be free to love who I may. I will begin at a very young age to fall in love with girls my age. I will treasure every relationship and every day. Life will again be magical; but evern more so. I will be on a higher plane with magical sixth sense abilites.

Life is wonderful and only what we make of it! Enjoy! Go for it!

Right now, right here, I am beginning a new phase of my life. I am being younger and younger in appearance, abilities and attitudes but I will remain full of wisdom and even gain more. My skin will be tight, clear and radiant. I even got a compliment last night already from two women who told me my skin glows. And several weeks ago, I recieved a compliment from a younger woman who told me I was like a 35 year old, in appearance and attiude. I love life! It's what we make of it! I'm giving it all the gusto I possibly can!

This is the best time of my life; because I have realized my inner powers and capabilites. I have discovered the secret that religious groups do not want us to know; and that is, that the power lies within..we don't need them!

Religious groups want to "control" us. Keep us down and make us feel guilty just so they can rule and dominate over us lousy, helpless sinners.

I love her!

I have had a couple 16 oz margarita's with my dear friends. There is just one in particular I love so very much and she knows it.

Right now at this moment my heart is filled with so much love for her. I care very much about my other new friend too.

I prayed for the evening to be magical and it was. She said she worried about me! God I love her. Please take care of her and keep her safe. Please. And please do not let the alcohol interfere badly with her medication. I know that is risky. She just seemed to get loaded quickly this evening. I want her in my life. She fills my heart with so much love. I don't want to be anywhere else when I am with her. And I think she feels the same about me and her other new friend.

Please take care of her and keep her safe, healthy, wealthy and wise. Please help her financially. Maybe we can get together at each other's house's instead of going out all the time to help her and others out. going out is very expense. Not bad really I spent twenty bucks this evening and about twenty some bucks Wednesday evening when we went to the film festive.

I don't know if it's the two 16 oz (at least) margarita's I had or what? All I know is that every time I spend time with her and I leave her side and come home my heart just aches! It aches for her. I ache for her. I miss her as soon as she is out of sight. Is that love? I am a woman loving a woman - is that love?

When I am with her I can't take my eyes off of her. My eyes adore her. Her every sigh. The way she says things. The clothes she wears, she smile, she sighs, her up's, her down's..........
Words from a song? Perhaps. She second nature to me now; like breathing out and breathing in... I grown accustomed to her face....

A song written before her time. She's very young.

The magic moment of the evening? "I worry about you." She said. Pure magic to my ears.

She loves me. I know she loves me. I want her in my life forever.. in some capacity, some how, some way. Please always keep her in my life. I so want to hold her and love.. I don't now if that is possible. But, my heart is so there - for her.

She cares very deeply about her new friend too...they would be fine together I know. They are good for each other. But, this other chick (more closer to her age) better love her very much... like I do.

It's hard to love someone so out of reach. Well, I have had practice. I have loved women from a far (secretly; I never know them) for a long time.

The world be becoming for friendly to gays. We are just people like you, loving other people. They just happen to be of the same sex.

We cannot live a lie. I know we can't, because I have tried with all my heart to live the straight life. But, in every relationship something was missing - her. Always in the back of my mind she was on my mine - the gal that I happened to love at the time; and there always was someone..that I loved.

So, we are just people (spirits) here on earth as human beings trying out best to love ane another. Hey, you of the "church" ( I so hate the church) it's only love.

I hate the church. Yes I was raised catholic.

I'm tired! I need to sleep. My god it's 1:24... hell last time I looked it was 12:38 I thought. Anyway, I am meeting my sweet thing in the morning about 8:40 AM in the park with the rest of the runners. She wants to run four miles tommorow.

I would run 100 miles for her. I love her so much!

God and universe, thank you so much for letting me know she loves me in return. Man what a day. Here I swam the correct way two lengths of the pool and totally surprised myself. Man, it's goes a lot faster when you do it right!

And the my afternoon lover calls me out of the blue and leaves a message saying. "I miss you!" And she says it twice.

And then this evening I get to spend it with the young woman I love so very much. I would do anything to be able to hold her all night long. (By Lional Richy " All Night Long!" I heard it on the radio coming home!

My heart is so filled with love right now! I am so truly blessed! And I look GOOD! I have lost weight. I wore some jewelry this evening and a nice woman's fancy belt. I wore MAKE-UP this evening. And I looked good doing it!

I'm back! This gal is back on top! The universe is with me and together we are creating my environment of riches and so much love.

Please I beg of you love her with all of your heart and protect her from injury, accident and ill health and let some money go her way.

Good night! I'll dream about my loves as I lie in bed! I am so blessed! I am so very blessed and I appreciate so much!

Take care! Good night! God, I love her!

Perceptions!

Remember we create our own realities! I'm young, strong, fast, healthy, wise, wealthy, loved, and brilliant. Oh and funny! Add light hearted and entertaining as well.

Young women are crazy about me. I say young women because most women my age are fat, sickly and on medication and therefore not interested in life or sex. Trust me I know some. Life can be so unhappy. But, they have created that type of environment. I am so sorry that they have not seen the truth; that our realities are created by ourselves. They merely seen other women their age who are just as un-enlightened and so they mimic them. We are and act as we think we should for a certain age.

Now, I truly believe that sixty is the new thirty. I am having a blast! I love life! As long as my young friend let me hang around them..I am. I love it. They laugh, joke and have fun. They are as alive as I am.

I used to think it was because I had to live the straight life in my 20's and 30's that now since I"m out, I want the company of young women. But, I really do not think that that is truly it. I think I just enjoy their light heartedness. If I hear another woman my age say. "Oh, I'm too old for that." I'll puke! See why I don't want to be around them? They are old...they have made themselves old..not the universe, not life, not other people; but, they themselves alone!
Too bad! Big mistake, I feel and a big waste of good life!

Got to go! I just cheered myself on to run five miles up to the gym where I'll swim, work out and then run five miles back home. This evening, I'll be dancing at the lesbian bar with my young friends. I love life!

Too Early!

Why am I up so early? It's 5:00 AM. I wanted to sleep late in case I stay out late this evening. I have no idea what the day holds in store, much less the evening. I hope the right people go out to play this evening.

Something I drank yesterday must have had caffeine in it; lots of it! I went to bed at midnight and was probably awake at 4:00 AM. I need to get tired again and soon so I can catch a couple of more hours of sleep. I hate when this happens! Oh well!

I should have a lot of energy today, hopefully. I am hoping the evening goes well and is fun. I'm beginning to feel like a fifth wheel; but, I'll try not to let that bother me because I need to be out and about. You can't meet new friends staying at home.

If goes as planned this evening will begin at an early hour and maybe end up at the bar. We'll see? Life is interesting isn't it? So full of surprises and twist and turns like a mystery novel.

I'm losing weight, working out and feeling good about myself; however, I need to save money. I will probably have to stretch the idea of a trip in the early part of the year. Although, I do love San Francisco.

I've had additional expenses top up recently, so I need to hold off. Besides, I want to try to save so I can paint and remodel my kitchen and bath. Actually, neither is that bad, nor is the furniture. I take that back, my furniture is twenty years old or more. It's time for Pier I Imports for ideas and such. As I look around the room, I'm seeing great expenses in my future. I really need to wait about three years. I should keep this carpet until I no longer have a dog.

It's fun to dream isn't it!

Oh good! I'm getting tired again..good night again!

Where's the Snow?

It never snowed? Fine with me! I hate running in the snow! It's cold and my bed is warm; I'm sleeping in. I was going to meet a someone with whom to walk in the morning..but she can't make it because she has to pack up her things. She and her partner of ten years or calling it quits and selling the house. So, I'll probably get with her sometime this weekend and see a cheery movie and go out to eat.

I'm a little depressed today. I didn't get to see my friend. I miss her. She gives me love. She makes me feel loved. She holds me close and for a long time. I'm sad today. I don't know when or if I'll get to see her again.

Oh, I'll be okay. I really don't expect anything from life or people and it's all happened before in past years. Hey, I've had worse situation. Like when I was so much in love with someone and couldn't tell them. They didn't have a clue. Hey, that was most of my life. A life spent with an aching, longing heart. Love suppressed by rules and commandments. Emotions, all emotions, were sinful and wrong and evil. Black or white, good or bad, heaven or hell. I hate the church!

Church and state are not separate and just as in cahoots as it's been for centuries. Someone creates the rules and everyone is expected to follow the rules or be ostracized. Burned at the stack for speaking your mind.

Life has been very hard! And yet, I've been very fortunate and blessed. I thank the universe for all of my many blessings.

Anyway!

Good Times!

These are good times and I'm not in love! Love is a distraction and no two people love each other equally or at the same time. Okay! Okay! I am in love...I'm always in love with someone. Most of the time, they don't know it. Most of the time it's not reciprocated! And that is just a fact of life. I want to be in lust and love. Hey, I'm hanging on for near life here. Time is slipping away and my tastes are very youthful. I'm not sorry to say. But, I recently had a lover my age and there were magical things about that. She is one of a very few my age who are physically fit enough to even WANT sex, beside look slender, sexually appealing and fit. Most women my age look much older, fat, on medicine for one thing or another and just plain not interested in sex. Actually, I desire fit and physical which equals sexy. Damn, my little young friend looked very cute last night. Just adorable! How could that woman with her not want her... or these people crazy or on medicine. Which brings me to this point. Many young people are on medicine for depression or HDAD, HADD or something or other so they are NOT interested in sex. What I see are some attaching to someone and I think that is called their dating. No kidding! And when that person can't do what they want them to do just one time, it seems they appear to dismiss them. I know it happened to me. In a crowd she talked as if we were dating and at one point when I wouldn't go with her to a family function, I was out of grace then. Dismissed! Life is strange and I find too, that couples will stay together just because neither wants to spend the energy to get out there and start over. They have a fear of being alone. Personally, I love it! I was raised in isolation with angry wolves who continuously snarled at each other. I could wait until I was twenty-one to move out; but she maintained that hold that exceeds all distance no matter how far away you move. Until you totally cut it off and move across the river into another state of the union. I am so free now I'm delirious. My past is that - gone. Except for times when my ex so is extremely family orientated except for mine when we were together (she rolled her eyes alot!) and our visited were short. I never did that with her at her's. Hell they were in their eighties and I thought they would drop at any minute. But, guess what, they're still running strong so is my mother. I thought I could wait it out; but, I just couldn't so I bailed! Thank god I bailed! I got to the point where I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. I had to get up and walk out. I couldn't stand to be with any of them. They were all hypocrites to me! My ex and I were never acknowledged they were always afraid of what people would think. As I grew up I thought everyone had to be more important than me. I had no spirit. I had no positive self-esteem. I was a dumb puppet and servant for the bitch who was so worried about what people would think! She lied to me. My life was a scam of lies. I'm free! I'm so free. My lover and I hope she continues to see me, brought love with her. She held me close to her heart for a long time and kissed my head. I loved having my heart close to her breast. I love her womanness and her warmth and nurturing ways. I know she sensed the buried pain. she knows! She can't understand my separation from so called "family" (that's a fucking joke!). My friends are my family and I love them.

THE BIG THREE and "W"

The big three is meeting with "W" today...that scares me and it should probably scare the union workers too and management. Is Bush going to try to tighten the lid importation of foreign car? Will he charge a tarriff on the importation of foreign cars to be sold here? Or Limit the number of foreign cars to be sold here. What ever comes of this meeting, one thing is for sure, it will cost the public more money or limit our choices to select and buy a decent car. "W" is anti-union, so beware. You know Texas is a "free" state now due to his governership. Yeah, you are free to work three or four jobs to try to stay afloat. Good luck America, either way the consumer will probably lose out on this conversation. If GM or any of them were smart they would get back to producing elecric cars and this time actually SELL them to people, not just lease them. I believe in 1998 when the electric car was re-born and only sold in California; you know the whole intention was a temporary fix untill the government could over ride the emissions board in California. See "Who killed the Electric Car?" documentary. One thing is for sure..this is an OIL government and what Bush will do for the Big three will not be healthy for us. Bush allowed tax deductions on the extra large sized SUV they make. People actually got tax rebates for buying air polluting big vehicles. And the price of gas is right back up after the election. I for one expected it. Nothing will surprise me. Oh yes, and I read in the paper where Ford for the last few years an accounting "errors" they have to fix. Yeah right! I see some under the table wheeling and dealing going on to bail or excuse the big three...of course, at the cost of the American people. What is Bush going to do too, allow them to create even worse pieces of junk. If they would have always built decent vehicles that were dependable and kept you out of the repair shop..they probably wouldn't have this problem. But, since the beginning of time, they leaked oil (oh, that just sells more oil), brake down, and fall apart with in 26,000 miles. I know! It happened to me with a Ford Escort; but, only ONCE. Then I went foreign. I am not buying junk when I can get something decent for the same amount of money or even less.

A Free Evening!

I just lost everything that I typed when I performed a "spell check" function.. What a drag! Well, I was just talking about the nice relaxing day that I am having sitting next to the fire and catching up on recorded shows. Yes, I had a day off from running, swimming and working out. I did so some yoga. I'm trying to figure out how this spacing is working and why the spacing jumped down three inches when I choose a color. I'm wondering why Charater Fucking Cable company has to scream these fucking commericals at me. Morons! A fucking man thought of that I'm sure! Men need to be heard - big babies! That explains all the bells and whistles on these stupid extreme super-size gas guzzlers they feel the need to built and sell and these idots buy them. Is it really necessary for the car door lock to fucking honk everytime it get locked and unlocked? Men are loud and ignorant and need to be heard! These old white rulers of the government and church need to get out of Dodge. We are tired of hearing and looking at you. McCain, will you please retire? Kerry - get over it! Go home! Let's send some women to Washington..some young brilliant ones.

McCain and Kerry? NO, Don't run in 08

Come on McCain, you are the only one impressed with yourself! And Kerry, same with you. Give it up! Just how egotistical are you? It's time for a complete change in Washington. Personally, I'm sick of looking at old, old white haired men. We need young fresh blood. I prefer a woman..but apparantly "women" yes, women in America are not ready for a woman president! Yes, too many woman still listen to their husbands.. Yes, even though this is 2006, women still feel men are more important, smarter and more valued in society. Well, you know why that is don't you? Because women have let the men get away with it. Men, through the ages, are ignorant and weak and fear that they must dominate and control so she doesn't leave. All men ultimately are looking for their mothers in wives. Men want to be pampered and babied. Men take longer to recover from a cold and miss more work due to illness then women according to studies report on the "Today" show. Women can tolerate pain better...well some better than others. Most in general are toughj. Women can juggle numberous tasks at the same time. Men have trouble eating and talking or driving and talking. In my own observation, men become child like at an earlier age then women, especially when they have a wife readily available to take care of them. It's ironic to me, when they are young men must be leaders, dominate, controlling, loud, entertaining and babied...then when they get older they quickly become senile and shuggle along as their wives lead the way. That is my typical observation. Not all men are like this. I have observed highly educated men well up in years who are cute and interesting and in their own. They have their own look and a ready humor and kind eyes and are giving and interesting. I love those types of men; I can learn from them. I can listen all day. They are professors, authors, and artist. Musicans, I love musicans. I think I might have met someone I could have fun with. She and I will be going out (as friends) Friday evening or maybe Wednesday. I have gotten over my other crush. She is very young and still a little egotistical...that is not a complaint; it's more of an age thing. I believe we become a little more passionate and compassionate with a little age under our belts...or experience? A few hurts, perhaps? Anyway, today will be a lovely day. Maybe I'll go to the gym later on or swim. Or clean! I hate to clean but I need to vacuum. Sing and play my guitar. Watch recorded TV. Look for my orders to arrive. My yoga music CD. I could do yoga today; more, I have already done some. I have a very nice body and I need to keep working at keeping it lovely. That is very important. Yesterday after dringing "many" margaritas the night before, I ran 13 miles. Yes! And was fine all day yesterday and went out to a friend's house for a movie yesterday evening. But, today I'm feeling like I am fighting off something. So I may just rest and stay in this evening and not go to meditation. We'll see.

Sunny and thirty something...

That's me. Sunny and thirty something! Actually, I was speaking of the weather. But, weather or not...I'm ready to rock and roll tonight. I have a crush on someone. She drives me insane with want especially when she makes plans with someone else. Right now I have so much energy and my heart is racing from desire that I can't close my eyes and rest.. so why try before going out in a few minutes. I need to walk my dog again...and she just disappeared..in the house; in another room. she was just begging me for something. I guess I missed my window of opportunity to coax her down the dreaded steps again. Ezekiel, where are you? You are supposed to be helping me with my love dilemma. Help me for god's sake! I can't stop this feeling.. Just what am I going to do? Don't you love? Just what is going on here? Why can't I get her out of my mind? Sometimes when I'm around her.. I think the hell with it. But, then I miss her as soon as she is out of sight. Help me for god's sake! Yes, I'm thirty something. I could stand to lose a couple of pounds and get more firm. I need your help! The dog is back; I have to walk her now!

Quiet Evening, Early Evening

Day is done and I'm ready for bed...I'll hold my pillow close, my arms wrapped around it and think about my loves. I listened to the Ezekiel tape again today after I bought a new tape player to replace the old broken one. Was it a sign? Was it important that I play the tape again. Ezekiel says the age problem is my problem that this new society, the modern society is not that age conscious. And they are not - at all. He suggested I need to make the move, otherwise it goes on like it is; just caring about each other, but neither party making any moves. Personally, I think Ezekiel might have been mistaken? She has a crush on another, or did... Then there is my lover - she is very warm and caring and after the loving holds me very close our hearts together beating in syn. She cares about me I know. I love the closeness; the sweet affection so welcomed. I can't change things now, neither can she..but we treasure what we have..so warm. I saw her yesterday..and I still feel her closeness. All I can say is thank god and the universe for her, for my love last summer and for future loves because they are truly gifts..since I missed out on loving women in my 20's and 30's and yes, even 40's. I'm just getting going..I love them so much. I never should have been with men - at all! Family, church, government and society, the straight society are so wrong. I could never give my all with a man..I went though the motions. I'm so at "home" with a women, it's wonderful..she sighs and tenderness touch my soul and heightens my needs and desires. It's magical! Oh what I have missed all those years....god it's not fair! The longing was awful all those years..my heart ached and ached and ached. If I would have had just one woman all those so many years ago, I never would have ever been with a man. It's just not in my make up. I'm sorry for all the men I was with, searching for that magical man who would change me (yeah right!) and set me straight, but knowing in my soul it would never happen. I love women, soft, warm, tender, caring, sweet, lovable women..I'm home. I'll miss her next week. There's another love that I have. I love her dearly and she knows it. My heart is out there for her to do or not do with as she wishes. I love her very much. In my eyes she can do no wrong. My eyes are tired I woke up too early this morning..thinking of the good doctor. I love her still and miss her..it's been a year or more since I got a glint of her and her me in passing. Before I go to sleep, I'm watching Bill Maher and his panel of Candy Crowley and another person said that if the Demcrats would have lost the American people would have been up in arms and acusing the republicans of fraud. And they all agree as I, that we should have gotten paper receipt to take with us showing how we voted. Yes, WE should have gotten a paper receipt...a paper trail. The race was close all around on all issues except raising minimum wage which passed by a far 74% yes ahead of the no's. Sleep well my loves, it time for me to sleep now and dream sweet dreams of all my loves. Thank you so much universe for allowing me to have a second chance...I'm youthful, active, happy, and fun loving and so enjoy my many wonderful friends. Life is wonderful! I recall the day of the biathlon, I prayed on the way there and asked that the day be magical and it was so magical. I went alone. The day was exceptionally beautiful...my bless magical days are clear and bright and sunny. The run went well, but twelve miles into a 22 miles bicycle race, I got a flat and wasted about seven to ten minutes finding a pump from another rider to pump it up; which was to no avail. So, I rode that last ten miles on a front flat tire at speed of 16 MPH and downhill at times at 22 MPH. Later after the race she and I chatted we soon discovered we have similar or matched needs, if you know what I mean. I saw the pain and felt her hurt. I called her the next day and invited her over. Within a couple of hours we were together. Magical! That was in the nineth month and we still see each other in the eleventh and life is good and I am very blessed. I love magical moments. I want more, I want to love even more women. I know that sounds loose? Or too carefree? But, I need to experience all the pleasures of life and I believe that my love for another is a gift. No really! I am a very caring loving person. My eyes are closing..it's time for bed. I have a very busy, fun filled day planned for tomorrow. I will watch her play even if it's raining; she brightens my day and lightens my heart. Thank you universe for all of my blessing. I may just have to make another appointment with the channeler who channels Ezekiel. I think he's cool! I just want to check in with him. He is truly my spirit guide, or one of them. Life is good! Thank you! My loves are so precious to me...thank you

So Far So Good!

These are the best times of my life and I am most graceful! Although the day is cloudy and gloomy, my spirits are lifted. My mind is clear and bright! It's a rest day for me in a way just in case I may be coming down with something I'm taking it easy today. For some dumb reason, I woke up at 3:33 AM. I think I have been up and about ever since. It's 11:26 only... and I need a nap. I woke up this morning with an upset stomach; well, sort of, kinda of. It's better now! It's a relaxing day for me. It's going to rain later.. I'll light a fire and L will come over and we'll watch Roseanne on HBO "Blonde and Bitchie". I never got to eat at all yesterday. I wanted to run in the morning so I couldn't eat. Then later on, I wanted to run in the evening so I couldn't eat. I just transplanted several plants. NO MORE PLANTS! I don't have any more room for them! Rain will be moving in later today, possibly thunder storms so I'll latch down the hatches and board up the windows. Well, they're not supposed to be that severe anyway. Today's a good day. This is the best time of my life! The past is forgotten - forever. I hope I never see any of them again! My friends are my family! I'm in part of a new phase of my life and I love it. I'm 35, so says my 35 year old friend. To the question, if I love a younger woman, she saids. "Why not, you're like a 35 year old". That was the best compliment of my life! I have the coolest friends! My ex said recently. "They see what ever you put out there." And you know that is very true. My youthful soul illuminates out from within, shines, and is reflected back from my friends. I believe what we put out there comes back, sometimes two fold. I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends of all ages. My age is merely a number..truly. We are or become what we believe we are and what we want to believe we are. I missed the lesbian life in my 20's and 30's, the evil church, family, and sociel influence had me living the straight life. I hated it! I was with him but secretly loved her...it hurt so bad! If only one time, just one time, I would have had sex with a woman I never would have gone back to a man ever again! The more arouses I make her, the more aroused I become. But, in the past, with a man - there was nothing. I only received and I had nothing thing to give. I hurt people and wasted both of our time because of igornant, hypocritical white ruling men of the church, government and the rest of society who are mainly gay themselves but just love to sneak! Evidently sneaking around is a turn-on. Actually, I think most men want it all. They want the wife and family for show, heritage, prestige, normal society appearance; but, secretly they want to sneak a young man lover. Personally, if you observe male behavior all men act gay to me. They watch sports with their buddies. They would rather hang out with their buddies than their wives. They complain about their wives, don't help out at home with chores or with taking care of the kids. They're gay! I worked with a guy, who was on the phone constantly to his wife. She definitely as the boss. Oh he just agreed with her and they talked talked. But, when a man walked into the room, a white co-worker or boss, suddenly he became very butch and criticized and verbally degraded women. What a hypocrite! But, guys feel they have to butch up around other guys so they don't come across as gay. Sometimes we so hate what is inside of us that we project outward and take it out on others - being hateful to others. Men more so than women, because men are projectors. They project every problem onto others as if it were someone else's problem not theirs. Many men are in denial. Many men are mere puppets and watch and do what the other guy does or listen to some radio talk show host whose an idiot! Men have to be heard; they are loud and need to be entertaining. It is so annoying. Women, especially gay women, are soft warm and wonderfully giving (most of them). NO wonder I hate men. I was forced to date them by society and its pressures. I feel that I wasted half of my life and yes I have taken it out on ignorant others. Why not! Stupid ass ignorant society made up of ignorant narrow minded Christians - just bullshit! And that bible and those stupid rules! I am a spiritual being. Be honest people! I think we all know the difference between right and wrong and we know to still within the law of the state and federal government. We do not need religion to control, command, or dominate us with their stupid ass rules. It's all bullshit! The power lies within each and everyone of us; but evil religion doesn't want us to know that. They tell us we are sinful and evil and need to be fixed and corrected, when it is religion that is truly evil. Oh, and they want your money! Oh, and have many children so they can spread their faith around the world. Of course they won't help you support them...they want YOUR money and give theirs to you. The Christians teamed up with the government to help get Bush re-elected. Oh, he made them all kinds of promises he never intended to fulfill. Just lip service for their votes. Well, finally people of America got wise. Yes, the people of America finally got wise and read between the lines and voted accordingly. Voted out were the selfish special interest group republicans. The Democrats now will run the house and the senate. Bush will still be an idiot but what can we do about that. I think his second term was rigged....and don't try to tell me it wasn't! There would have been mutuny if the republicans would have rigged the mid-term elections. There was too big a turn-out for change for them to even consider rigging it. Besides, I think the republicans know they dug themselves in a hole. Rove even looks like an idiot! cheney just has big business - his won - Haliburton and oil and his mind. Bush has no mind of his own.

One more day of campaign commercials!

I will be glad when all the bickering and mud slinging is over and the democrats take all the seats they need to gain a house and senate majority. There needs to be a change. Talk about check and balances! I believe republicans have screwed things up and now it's correction time. This country is in 43 trillion dollar debt, the middle class is shrinking, good jobs have been lost to overseas location where corporations can pay wages that are next to nothing, illegal immigrants enter this country at the rate of 3,000 per day and are taken jobs someday soon we will need because of lack of good jobs. The republicans care nothing of preserving the environment in fact allow auto manufacturers to build the biggest vehicles in history just to see how fast we can burn up the oil before anyone else can get their hands on it. Greed! Just greed! And I hate the church! I hate religion! In my opinion they are nothing but a bunch of holier than thou, money and power hungry hypocrites. Hell? What hell? That crap is all made up to control, manipulate and punish ordinary people. Yeah, just tell people they are all sinners and every emotion is wrong then you can fix and forgive them and take their money in the process. Hey people, you don't need any religion, the power lies within you alone You can learn to create your day and watch it unfold with magical moments - if you look for them. Life can be magical if we let it be. Be thankful for what you have And be happy! The church doesn't want you to be happy; they want you to be a miserable, shameful sinner so they can dominate, fix and rule over you and take your money. How dare the church tell me how to vote? I thought church and state was separate?

Saddam is sentenced..

the stock market is setting records, gas prices are down. and we are being distracted by the war right before the mid term elections. What a plan! So are the forces of evil government in motion. Like directors and producers launching with a broadway hit! Eureka! The American people are ignorant pawns made to be manipulated and massaged into submission and trickery. Evidently, it works! And it it doesn't, the new electronic fowled voting machines can correct any miss caluated straegy by the republicans. Oh, they WILL keep their seats in the house...they will make it happen! Hey, they got away with it in Florida, why not a few more important states like Ohio. After all the CEO of Diebold, the maker of the electronic voting computers, told the government the would. Yes, the corporations are in charge and in cahoots with the republicans. You can't be surprised? Bush is a mere puppet and couldn't find his way across the street if they let him in charge he would blunder continuously. Remember how poorly he spoke in the first two years. He ha slearned to read better now. What about Foley? Will Mark Foley hurt the republicans in the mid-term elections? I doubt it. People will just make excuses for the poor sick gay guy on drugs. Yeah! Right! What about Ted Haggart, the scum of the earth preacher hypocrite? Oh, I guess over 30,000 will be blinded and pray for the poor sick boy! He is a hypocrite! Someone once told me that people who speak out the loudest about an issue are usually the most guilty of that issue! They are latent, that's all! The hate is so deep rooted within, that they preach out against it. They preach to others about what is going on deep within themselves. So, they are hypocrites. Why don't they just come out and be gay? Sadly they have been so brainwashed that homosexuality is wrong that they bust out in mid life. People, there is nothing wrong with being gay. The Christians only hate homosexuality because they were taught it was ungodly. God created homosexuals and god does not make mistakes. But yet the christians have to break a spirit down in order to dominate and rule over it. We have to be sinners to drum up the business of corrections within the church so they have reason to take your money. Parishioners are nothing more than pawns to be manipulated in the chess game of life directed by evil christians. I have no respect for them at all. It's all a scam people to manipulate for votes. In my opinion, gay marriage should be permitted and call gay marriage and come with the full package of tax extemptions as well as it does for heterosexuals. Another power play....that continous on and on is the big business of auto, oil and government. I do believe Cheney and company want to make the last nickel on the last drop of middle eastern oil. Talk about creed! The air with clean air and global warming.. the Bush boys and company want to make money anyway they can. Taking away your jobs and sending them to off score locations and having third world countries work them for next to nothing is the American way. Allowing three thousands Illegal Mexican immigrants in this country on a daily basis is another ploy to aid big corporations and use up all social services that are possibly available. They are schooled here and receive medical care free. While what is left of the American middle class near or go bankrupt to cover medical expenses that insurance companies suddenly in mid-stream decide not to insure when the insuree is under the impression that all charges will be covered. With the economy as it is, more and more people are living at the end of their means which can't last for long before they lose everything and end up poor all to gether. The average balance on a credit card is ten thousand or more and this is for young people too trying to get an education. they are stuck with thousands if not hundreds of thousands dollars of education bills. It's unbelieveable! What we have today is a government for corporations by corporations. We do not have a government for the people by the people. We, the tax payers, (all big business get the tax shelters) are footing the bill for everything while the rich get the breaks. You know, just as always nothing new. All we get is lip service. In 2004 when Kerry decided not to fight Bush over the "odd" win. I knew right then and there he knew the whole thing was fixed and was probably told by them and even his own to forget it. Frankly, I think that there is a reason why the Democrats are not organized or as tought as the republicans (or as sneaky) are; I think they are all in cahoots. I wonder if the middle east doesn't have us over a political as well as oil barrel. Are we being blackmailed some way by the Saudi's. We sure do not hear anything from them do we. And don't you wonder why all events are so timely as to lead up to another major events. What I"m talking about is...we never could have pinned a flimsy excuse (false actually) about going in to get Saddam unless it (including 9 11 ) was orchestrated. And don't you think it is very timely that Saddam Hussein get sentenced to death by hanging two days ( and on a weekend - so everyone gets a chance to catch the news) before the mid-term elections. As for as I am concerned it's all theatrics. Well, in two days, we will see the republicans keep their seats in the house. Oh, they'll see to it. Hey, when the republicans get campaign contributions from the very company that is making the voting machines, what else can you expect. Hey, it's not rocket science. Watch "Hacking Democracy" with Bev Harris who digs deep and outs the Diebold people about allowing the voting numbers to be changed without record or alarms in the election machines. No paper trails this time to slow or mess things up. Yeah, blame it on one system, so you can introduce your own pre-programmed system to suit your needs. Jeb Bush is governor in Florida for noting. And the company builder CEO promised to get Bush the Ohio vote. Lots of luck! So many people at the grass roots level really believe that they can make a difference - I say "Yeah, right!". Lots of luck! It's all wrapped up and packaged just the way they want it. And not until the economy and environment gets so dreadful will anything be done about air pollution because Bush keeps giving auto, oil and big manufacturers the leeway to freedom on attempting to reduce air pollution. They don't care! Besides sick people are good the economy. Fat people are good for the economy. The medical industry can make a killing on these sick people. And I hate these big ass super sized vehicles that are nothing more than extra large killing machines that can't be seen through or around or over or well, maybe under - soon. And the tinted windows suck! Rather on foot or in another vehicle eye contact between drivers or between driver and pedestrians is every important. Okay! Now that I have written all the cheery things about life, I think I'll do some yoga stretches and then meditate Peace!