Well, I don't know about you but I'm having a great, quiet, intimate, cozy New Year's Eve. And I am in control of everything that is going on this evening! I can select what I listen to, or watch; the incense I burn and the fire I lite.
"You don't know me" by Ray Charles and Diana Krall - so cool! That's a song I sang my whole life; both in the straight life and lesbian life!
It cracks me up! The songs are so romantic and oh so unrealistic! Like Hallmark! No wonder I live in a dream world; I expect life to be romantic and magical and once more, I won't settle for less! Life should be magical, a mystery, and heavenly!
I think if I could have felt okay wearing comfortable shoes; I might have gone tonight; now, I'm a little sorry that I didn't go. Actually, oscillating like this is typical of me. I would have known lots of people there. Oh well!
There was nothing stopping me from going. I had a blast last night at N's and this evening would have been non-smoking. I think I didn't like the commitment to midnight. You know feeling like to had to stay until the new year rang in. Also, I felt.. oh I don't know two nights in a roll is not typical of me.
I kissed someone last night! It scared her off! I think it's funny - it scared me too. Right after I did it, I didn't want the responsbility that went along with intimately committing to someone. And with sex, yes there is committment. Because, with me anyone, I think I would have loved her. Well, as it was, she wasn't ready either.
We both weren't ready, really! Ironically, we are extremely compatible or so it sounds. She as a lot of nice friends and that is wonderful. A couple of times this week she was taken out to dinner. I met for a drink. I only talked to her again last Tuesday. She a hugger - I like that!
I should see her next weekend, as friends. Today we spoke for ninety minutes and discussed things we wanted and expected. I expressed desire for a special relationship where intimacy was included but no serious commitment. Well, for example, only seeing one another once a week, or when either one felt like calling the other; but, the other is not obligated to reciprocate if she doesn't feel like it at the time.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with a relationship like that; why not enjoy each other's intimacy. Care, even love one another but not see each other on a daily basis. This way we are free to be ourselves and get the necessary work done with ourselves; but, still be there for each other.
Nothing complicated, just loving each other. Then we would have things to talk about, things to share.
I'm not finished yet! I still think, I have things to offer - love for one. But, truthfully, it's getting too hard. So, I really don't care. I have all that I need - myself and many good friends. We'll see what 2006 has in store.
Oh, the hell, with it, I'm in it for myself. I don't need the intimacy - it's not worth the emotional roller coaster ride.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
I should run today
Well, it's noon already; I should get my butt out there and run. I prefer to run in the sun but I might be running in the rain. So, I won't wear the shoes I want to wear tonight. I'm shy about going out tonight, talking and dancing; same with tomorrow. But, I won't let it stop me.
I'm am trying to lose a few pounds so I can wear more of my pants and look good in them. I must be looking better already to myself; this morning I looked in the mirror while pulling off my night shirt and I had to crawl back into bed again. Nothing like turning yourself on. I gotta tell ya, I do have a nice body for my age. Okay that was incentive, I will get out there now and run!
I have always had myself; I know that sounds weird. I think I'm realizing that I may not be ready for another love or someone needing something from me. Maybe that is how my summer love felt. I'm not ready to give myself or take changes. I't hard to explain. You, summer love, hit me like a tons of bricks; this one not so much. I may be more trying to make it work. I don't know?
Personally, as painful as it might be the head-over-heels or being hit by a ton of bricks is the most exciting and wonderful kind of love that there is. It's the kind where you cherish every moment. It's taking in and absorbing like a sponge; finding too that you love everything thing about her very much. It's wonderful! God, I miss you! And a kiss is the most precious thing there is. That's the way I perfer to feel about love; unfortunately many times, it's a one way street.
You know, especially when you know it's going to end soon; when you can feel the pull begin, the pulling away. I cherished everything more; you are so in my heart. The mess and your system of doing things all here, in my heart. Actually, you are quit easy to know and love. There are just some basic things you wanted respected. I know that the time just ran out for you. I think you only allow so much time for each person. Well, I'll cherish the time we had together forever.
But, I'll give this a try. I'll try to find a new love. She needs to be sexy and alluring with a sense of mystery about her that is what sets the hook for me. Damn I miss you!
I guess I'll pray this evening and see how things go. I have found that praying to my spirit guides on the way there seems to help the situation become extra special. I want to be knocked off my barstool; head over heels in love with a wonderful, beautiful, human being. I want the gift of mystery, challenge and wonder. I want to learn all about her like I did with you.
I learned a lot from you; how to be independent, how to be true to youself first and not totally give of yourself like I did all my life. I learned I could ditch my family easily enough. I have been independent since I was 21. I never needed or asked my family for anything. I always used common sense and was never a fool for anyone; anyway I don't think so, usually people that do that are very needy. I on the other hand I love myself enough. I am not needy. They say you can't love anyone any more than as much as you love yourself. They also say: What you put out there, is what you get back. My other concern is hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone.
Guess I better go for that run. I'm going to try it today without accel gel. I'm going to run toward the park; through the expensive neighborhoods. It's two miles out and two miles back.
Well, my love, I hope you don't mind that I write to you all the time. Sometimes I just need to. I'm a little scared right now and it helps. I just wanted something good and solid a loving foundation where we slept together once in a while and shared thoughts and feelings and were just there for each other like a support system.
I'll be fine, the run will help. Besides I have myself, and I am pretty damn cool and gifted and kind and giving...
Times a wasting I have to go. Without the gel packs, if I get pooped, I just walk it's only two miles out. I love you (means too, that I love myself. I'm my own best friend and always have been. I had to be there because was no one else when I was growing up. It's a good thing actually; as long as you can let other people in too)
Hmm! Wish me luck this weekend, because if I'm not in love, I don't trust..help me out here okay? Send some positive thoughts my way.
Okay, god, spirit guides, the universe, thank you for my many gifts of good health, pain-free living, youthfulness, prosperity, wisdom and common sense and safety. Please do the same my ex, t, d, my friends, and the young thing in the Internet photo. Please watch out for her and keep her safe. She is so precious.
I'm am trying to lose a few pounds so I can wear more of my pants and look good in them. I must be looking better already to myself; this morning I looked in the mirror while pulling off my night shirt and I had to crawl back into bed again. Nothing like turning yourself on. I gotta tell ya, I do have a nice body for my age. Okay that was incentive, I will get out there now and run!
I have always had myself; I know that sounds weird. I think I'm realizing that I may not be ready for another love or someone needing something from me. Maybe that is how my summer love felt. I'm not ready to give myself or take changes. I't hard to explain. You, summer love, hit me like a tons of bricks; this one not so much. I may be more trying to make it work. I don't know?
Personally, as painful as it might be the head-over-heels or being hit by a ton of bricks is the most exciting and wonderful kind of love that there is. It's the kind where you cherish every moment. It's taking in and absorbing like a sponge; finding too that you love everything thing about her very much. It's wonderful! God, I miss you! And a kiss is the most precious thing there is. That's the way I perfer to feel about love; unfortunately many times, it's a one way street.
You know, especially when you know it's going to end soon; when you can feel the pull begin, the pulling away. I cherished everything more; you are so in my heart. The mess and your system of doing things all here, in my heart. Actually, you are quit easy to know and love. There are just some basic things you wanted respected. I know that the time just ran out for you. I think you only allow so much time for each person. Well, I'll cherish the time we had together forever.
But, I'll give this a try. I'll try to find a new love. She needs to be sexy and alluring with a sense of mystery about her that is what sets the hook for me. Damn I miss you!
I guess I'll pray this evening and see how things go. I have found that praying to my spirit guides on the way there seems to help the situation become extra special. I want to be knocked off my barstool; head over heels in love with a wonderful, beautiful, human being. I want the gift of mystery, challenge and wonder. I want to learn all about her like I did with you.
I learned a lot from you; how to be independent, how to be true to youself first and not totally give of yourself like I did all my life. I learned I could ditch my family easily enough. I have been independent since I was 21. I never needed or asked my family for anything. I always used common sense and was never a fool for anyone; anyway I don't think so, usually people that do that are very needy. I on the other hand I love myself enough. I am not needy. They say you can't love anyone any more than as much as you love yourself. They also say: What you put out there, is what you get back. My other concern is hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone.
Guess I better go for that run. I'm going to try it today without accel gel. I'm going to run toward the park; through the expensive neighborhoods. It's two miles out and two miles back.
Well, my love, I hope you don't mind that I write to you all the time. Sometimes I just need to. I'm a little scared right now and it helps. I just wanted something good and solid a loving foundation where we slept together once in a while and shared thoughts and feelings and were just there for each other like a support system.
I'll be fine, the run will help. Besides I have myself, and I am pretty damn cool and gifted and kind and giving...
Times a wasting I have to go. Without the gel packs, if I get pooped, I just walk it's only two miles out. I love you (means too, that I love myself. I'm my own best friend and always have been. I had to be there because was no one else when I was growing up. It's a good thing actually; as long as you can let other people in too)
Hmm! Wish me luck this weekend, because if I'm not in love, I don't trust..help me out here okay? Send some positive thoughts my way.
Okay, god, spirit guides, the universe, thank you for my many gifts of good health, pain-free living, youthfulness, prosperity, wisdom and common sense and safety. Please do the same my ex, t, d, my friends, and the young thing in the Internet photo. Please watch out for her and keep her safe. She is so precious.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
New Friend Maybe More?
We'll see how this goes. It was pracitically agreed we are starting as friends; really, how can you say otherwise? Actually, I'm a bit excited as the prospects of it all. Someone to stroll the CWE, listen to jazz with and talk staring into the fire. Nice!
I'll meet her out the next two evenings. Funny, how in September she wanted to buy me a birthday drink and I haven't see her since. Well, not until briefly at the groups Christmas party; and then last Tuesday. We began where we left off several months ago. Funny, now I'm buying her a birthday drink tomorrow evening.
And, I'll see her Saturday evening at the church dance. She called me this evening, I didn't suggest coming over; although the thought crossed my mind. If all goes well Saturday evening - well, we'll see. She is probably thinking a lot about what we said on the phone this evening; I know that I am. I'm a little excited, actually. We talk easily together. I need to curve my enthusiasm; my fervor.
My summer love, you know you will always be in my heart; there will always be a place for you there - never forget that. I know you don't need anyone; but know that I will always be here for you if you need me. What we had is very special to me even now. I may be ancient history to you I can't control how you feel I only know how I feel about you. Okay, summer love be happy in 06, never forget my love for you is right here. If you go to sleep at night and dream and then wake in the morning feeling loved - that was my spirit visiting your heart (your spirit) during the night. Did you feel a long affectionate kiss on your cheek and your hair being stroked? If you felt loved upon awaking - that was me being loving to you.
God, it was hard that last day in your apartment; I loved the clean fresh smell of your bedding. I hugged your pillow. Walking through for the last time I leaned my head against the corner of the wall, hung my head, closed my eyes and cried. Not real hard, that would be ignorant; just a tear or two ran down my cheek. I left part of my heart there. I will never ever forget you and I will love you as long as I live. I know you are difficult and troubled and it only makes me love you more. I treasure the memories of you. Your belly tickling giggle at the cookout, like a little girl! It made me wish I knew you then; maybe in a past life I did? God, I loved you at that moment! How, our first night was, what I thought about you..well anyway you know. Just know, you are loved. Please keep in touch! I want to know about you. I felt like I meant something to you when you told me things; I felt needed and I loved the feeling. Please be different with me okay? Stay in touch! There was just something in everything about you that I adore. There was so many different sides to you. I have to be honest the educated side intimated and daunted me. You are brilliant! You should be very proud of your accomplishments and intregity. God, I love you! You have my highest respect! Try not to be too hard on yourself about the past. And please if you ever need a lap to lie your head on and talk please keep mine in mind. It was meant to be; I was brought to you, to meet you for the sole purpose of loving you - you just don't know that yet. I realize my purpose is a one sided purpose and that's okay too! But, you know what? You were a gift a wonderful gift to me. A treasure!
Hopefully, I will have many treasures to add to my list. There are too many wonderful people out there needing to be loved, including me, I guess. I want and need someone very romanic, loving, sexy, and affectionate. I'm thinking maybe my new interest may be a little like that. I'm thinking what I put into this relationship, is what I'm going to get out of it.
I'm thinking mine and her spirit guides are with us on this one. Yes, I felt it the other day. I knew it was soon in coming and here it is! Like easy listening jazz, we both like, I know that I can take my time. I'll tell her more tomorrow or the next day. We'll just see? There is nothing like slow and easy and savory the warm wonderful moments.
I'll keep you posted!
I'll meet her out the next two evenings. Funny, how in September she wanted to buy me a birthday drink and I haven't see her since. Well, not until briefly at the groups Christmas party; and then last Tuesday. We began where we left off several months ago. Funny, now I'm buying her a birthday drink tomorrow evening.
And, I'll see her Saturday evening at the church dance. She called me this evening, I didn't suggest coming over; although the thought crossed my mind. If all goes well Saturday evening - well, we'll see. She is probably thinking a lot about what we said on the phone this evening; I know that I am. I'm a little excited, actually. We talk easily together. I need to curve my enthusiasm; my fervor.
My summer love, you know you will always be in my heart; there will always be a place for you there - never forget that. I know you don't need anyone; but know that I will always be here for you if you need me. What we had is very special to me even now. I may be ancient history to you I can't control how you feel I only know how I feel about you. Okay, summer love be happy in 06, never forget my love for you is right here. If you go to sleep at night and dream and then wake in the morning feeling loved - that was my spirit visiting your heart (your spirit) during the night. Did you feel a long affectionate kiss on your cheek and your hair being stroked? If you felt loved upon awaking - that was me being loving to you.
God, it was hard that last day in your apartment; I loved the clean fresh smell of your bedding. I hugged your pillow. Walking through for the last time I leaned my head against the corner of the wall, hung my head, closed my eyes and cried. Not real hard, that would be ignorant; just a tear or two ran down my cheek. I left part of my heart there. I will never ever forget you and I will love you as long as I live. I know you are difficult and troubled and it only makes me love you more. I treasure the memories of you. Your belly tickling giggle at the cookout, like a little girl! It made me wish I knew you then; maybe in a past life I did? God, I loved you at that moment! How, our first night was, what I thought about you..well anyway you know. Just know, you are loved. Please keep in touch! I want to know about you. I felt like I meant something to you when you told me things; I felt needed and I loved the feeling. Please be different with me okay? Stay in touch! There was just something in everything about you that I adore. There was so many different sides to you. I have to be honest the educated side intimated and daunted me. You are brilliant! You should be very proud of your accomplishments and intregity. God, I love you! You have my highest respect! Try not to be too hard on yourself about the past. And please if you ever need a lap to lie your head on and talk please keep mine in mind. It was meant to be; I was brought to you, to meet you for the sole purpose of loving you - you just don't know that yet. I realize my purpose is a one sided purpose and that's okay too! But, you know what? You were a gift a wonderful gift to me. A treasure!
Hopefully, I will have many treasures to add to my list. There are too many wonderful people out there needing to be loved, including me, I guess. I want and need someone very romanic, loving, sexy, and affectionate. I'm thinking maybe my new interest may be a little like that. I'm thinking what I put into this relationship, is what I'm going to get out of it.
I'm thinking mine and her spirit guides are with us on this one. Yes, I felt it the other day. I knew it was soon in coming and here it is! Like easy listening jazz, we both like, I know that I can take my time. I'll tell her more tomorrow or the next day. We'll just see? There is nothing like slow and easy and savory the warm wonderful moments.
I'll keep you posted!
Do You Read Me?
What a dark overcasted cloudy cold day. Hey, FedEx just pulled up..damn not for me. That would have brightened my day. I have three little packages coming: Prempro (love the stuff), small rainbow wallet, and the the book by Sarah Waters, or maybe it isn't so new? "Affinity" is the title.
I think I love the action of buying the book more than reading it, since I have several laying around that are not getting read. I just can't get into sitting and reading for long periods of time - my mind is everywhere and needed to express itself rather than read about somebody's elses thoughts and actions.
Now I am just going to babbler on today so forgive me in advance. Tomorrow evening I told someone that I would meet her to buy her a birthday drink; I'm a little excited about that but cautious.
I'm actually pretty much of an introvert; I could be very content being at home alone most of the time. If only my hormones and heart wouldn't have a mind of their own. I guess that is what separates me from the christmas cactus plant that is setting on my coffee table.
My dog Emma is great company, I meet lots of fine people when I am out walking her. She is a great companions and a guaranty that I will get up and out at least four times a day.
Last night I had my Yoga class and I always enjoy that. Too bad, the instructor is straight. In fact, I think all who participate are straight. But, do you every really know? You know, married one day and living with a partner the next? One in ten?
Where I guess I'll head to the new big Target store to look for a inexpensive top for Saturday evening. I went through this before, and I hate the tops that I have. Actually, I think it is pre-dressing up ocassion jiggers. There, now that I have admitted it; maybe it will be better. Ever notice how things go so much better on those ocassions where you really don't care or give a shit. You know? You know just what to expect and it is all familiar so you are comfortable.
Will with this thing Saturday (and Friday), I'm a little uneasy, but curious! So, I'll go! I think I will be find, I just have to learn not to care what people think of me; or is it even that? Yes, I think it is - it's a childhood thing.
Speaking of childhoods. My ex and I were talking about her girlfriend in Fl. Seems her parents were alcoholics and she went to bed many a night hungry. Now, that just tears my heart out! So, she vowed that she would do everything possible so no child has to go to bed hungry. But, that's not the worse of it, has a yound adult missionary she went to middle America region to built schools with nuns. She was raped repeatedly and left for dead. Yes, the scars are there on the outside and on the inside.
So, our time that we were meant to be together had come to an end and we both are on different paths; perhaps, to fulfil our life destinies and purposes. My ex may have found hers; I don't know about mine? I had thought for a time that I did find her. I still love and care about her. I pray for her; you knows, maybe that is all that is required of me. I wanted to give her more and be more for her. I wanted to hold her more and listen more and be there for her. Damn, I miss her. Oh well, I guess I wasn't what she needed. Maybe, I made things to painful for her. Maybe that new person in her life is more fun and keeps things light in her life. I hope she is happy. I would love to see her.
It's a test of my strength, but I can do it. Sooner or later, I have a way of putting things in perspective. Wow, I am so scared. You know life is very scary. I'm a little sad and semimental because I'm choose not to go to safe poker this evening but to venture out into the unknown.
Wow, I wish I could see her. She can even bring whats-her-face along, I don't care. I would just like to see her. I think that they was a bond build between us; this lasting invisible bond. I don't know?
I know what will help - I'll go out and buy something. Actually, I want to stop by Target then take my laptop in to the Bread co near there and write. Man, the last time I was at a busy, noisy, Bread Co., I could wirte like crazy - non stop for a couple of hours. I only stopped because I felt guilty after awhile about taking up space for so long; I can only eat and drink so much.
Well, here I go! I'll check in later. Usually, I write like I am talking directly to her don't I? Anyway! I wonder if she reads me; at one time she did. This is like being able to talk to her - in a way. Blogging is something that I just have to do right now, because my heart still thinks it's connected to hers and it keeps crying out to her. So, heart, this is the best that I can do right now for you!
I think I love the action of buying the book more than reading it, since I have several laying around that are not getting read. I just can't get into sitting and reading for long periods of time - my mind is everywhere and needed to express itself rather than read about somebody's elses thoughts and actions.
Now I am just going to babbler on today so forgive me in advance. Tomorrow evening I told someone that I would meet her to buy her a birthday drink; I'm a little excited about that but cautious.
I'm actually pretty much of an introvert; I could be very content being at home alone most of the time. If only my hormones and heart wouldn't have a mind of their own. I guess that is what separates me from the christmas cactus plant that is setting on my coffee table.
My dog Emma is great company, I meet lots of fine people when I am out walking her. She is a great companions and a guaranty that I will get up and out at least four times a day.
Last night I had my Yoga class and I always enjoy that. Too bad, the instructor is straight. In fact, I think all who participate are straight. But, do you every really know? You know, married one day and living with a partner the next? One in ten?
Where I guess I'll head to the new big Target store to look for a inexpensive top for Saturday evening. I went through this before, and I hate the tops that I have. Actually, I think it is pre-dressing up ocassion jiggers. There, now that I have admitted it; maybe it will be better. Ever notice how things go so much better on those ocassions where you really don't care or give a shit. You know? You know just what to expect and it is all familiar so you are comfortable.
Will with this thing Saturday (and Friday), I'm a little uneasy, but curious! So, I'll go! I think I will be find, I just have to learn not to care what people think of me; or is it even that? Yes, I think it is - it's a childhood thing.
Speaking of childhoods. My ex and I were talking about her girlfriend in Fl. Seems her parents were alcoholics and she went to bed many a night hungry. Now, that just tears my heart out! So, she vowed that she would do everything possible so no child has to go to bed hungry. But, that's not the worse of it, has a yound adult missionary she went to middle America region to built schools with nuns. She was raped repeatedly and left for dead. Yes, the scars are there on the outside and on the inside.
So, our time that we were meant to be together had come to an end and we both are on different paths; perhaps, to fulfil our life destinies and purposes. My ex may have found hers; I don't know about mine? I had thought for a time that I did find her. I still love and care about her. I pray for her; you knows, maybe that is all that is required of me. I wanted to give her more and be more for her. I wanted to hold her more and listen more and be there for her. Damn, I miss her. Oh well, I guess I wasn't what she needed. Maybe, I made things to painful for her. Maybe that new person in her life is more fun and keeps things light in her life. I hope she is happy. I would love to see her.
It's a test of my strength, but I can do it. Sooner or later, I have a way of putting things in perspective. Wow, I am so scared. You know life is very scary. I'm a little sad and semimental because I'm choose not to go to safe poker this evening but to venture out into the unknown.
Wow, I wish I could see her. She can even bring whats-her-face along, I don't care. I would just like to see her. I think that they was a bond build between us; this lasting invisible bond. I don't know?
I know what will help - I'll go out and buy something. Actually, I want to stop by Target then take my laptop in to the Bread co near there and write. Man, the last time I was at a busy, noisy, Bread Co., I could wirte like crazy - non stop for a couple of hours. I only stopped because I felt guilty after awhile about taking up space for so long; I can only eat and drink so much.
Well, here I go! I'll check in later. Usually, I write like I am talking directly to her don't I? Anyway! I wonder if she reads me; at one time she did. This is like being able to talk to her - in a way. Blogging is something that I just have to do right now, because my heart still thinks it's connected to hers and it keeps crying out to her. So, heart, this is the best that I can do right now for you!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Really Rain!
I can't believe I skipped a day. I was just thinking about you, about what you like to do on rainy days. Yes, a little bit of you is still in my heart.
See, it's different, the feelings are stronger when I fall first. I was talking to someone last night and we like everything the same. I have no idea where she is coming from. I'm interested and pretty much so; but she didn't hit me as hard as you do.
Funny, timing is everything isn't it? If you would have already been seeing her, you and I would not have gotten together. I'm glad we did get together, those moments were precious to me. You are very difficult this is true, but somehow it just made me love you more.
I'm about to venture on to another interest I think. Actually, I have two people in mind and they appear to be very warm hearted, sensitive and giving; so I'll see?
It rained like hell in the early morning; I'm hoping it quicks I'm meeting my walking buddy at Tower Grove. She can't walk too much with a bad knee so we might just go straight to breakfast. We'll see!
I'll write more later. I need to walk Emma. I was just thinking about you this morning; and you know, my heart aches when I do. I would love to be holding you right now, in the dark, in the rain. Sweet dreams, be happy, feel loved. Tell her I said hi.
It's 11:00 PM. I had a great time visiting with my friend this morning. It did rain on us, but not bad. We did get a little bit of a walk in and had a great breakfast at the city diner.
I have lots of plans coming up with many great new and some not so new friends. You never know just what might happen or who I may hook up with. I'm very fortunate and filled with gratitude; so I thank the universe, my spirit guides and god. I am grateful for my youthfulness, good health, wisdom, prosperity and safety. Please keep me pain-free, safe and accident free. And please do the same for my loves and friends too. Please take care of the girl in the (internet) picture too. I know she needs our help and love; please keep her safe. I pray for her all the time, she touched my heart, hung-on and remains there. She doesn't look like the rest of "sexy" girls. She looks sweet and innocent. According to her shaggle (shaggle.com) profile she's 22..her screen name ends in 69 and she is looking for a boyfriend with benefits. She's this beautiful little perfect being; like a baby, laying there all spread out. She's beautiful! I want to pick her up in my arms and hold her and protect her. I think the mother in my heart took over on this one. Would you believe I worry about her. She's laying on a sheetless mattress; well it looks like a "tiled" basement floor anyway. I pray she doesn't fall victim to abuse. I hope some nice guy comes along who will love her very much and protect her. Spirit guides please help her out - okay? She adorable! I don't care, at 22, you're still a baby. So many bad things can happen to her. Please I beg of you be with her and protect her.
Well, I'm tried! It's time to take Emma out. Hey, spirit guides and everyone, if I do begin to see someone, help me be good for them and them for me. Please, how about mutual love, intimacy and affection.
There was a time I thought I could do without it; but, lifes a little to short. I wish I was head-over-heels again; but you never know..
See, it's different, the feelings are stronger when I fall first. I was talking to someone last night and we like everything the same. I have no idea where she is coming from. I'm interested and pretty much so; but she didn't hit me as hard as you do.
Funny, timing is everything isn't it? If you would have already been seeing her, you and I would not have gotten together. I'm glad we did get together, those moments were precious to me. You are very difficult this is true, but somehow it just made me love you more.
I'm about to venture on to another interest I think. Actually, I have two people in mind and they appear to be very warm hearted, sensitive and giving; so I'll see?
It rained like hell in the early morning; I'm hoping it quicks I'm meeting my walking buddy at Tower Grove. She can't walk too much with a bad knee so we might just go straight to breakfast. We'll see!
I'll write more later. I need to walk Emma. I was just thinking about you this morning; and you know, my heart aches when I do. I would love to be holding you right now, in the dark, in the rain. Sweet dreams, be happy, feel loved. Tell her I said hi.
It's 11:00 PM. I had a great time visiting with my friend this morning. It did rain on us, but not bad. We did get a little bit of a walk in and had a great breakfast at the city diner.
I have lots of plans coming up with many great new and some not so new friends. You never know just what might happen or who I may hook up with. I'm very fortunate and filled with gratitude; so I thank the universe, my spirit guides and god. I am grateful for my youthfulness, good health, wisdom, prosperity and safety. Please keep me pain-free, safe and accident free. And please do the same for my loves and friends too. Please take care of the girl in the (internet) picture too. I know she needs our help and love; please keep her safe. I pray for her all the time, she touched my heart, hung-on and remains there. She doesn't look like the rest of "sexy" girls. She looks sweet and innocent. According to her shaggle (shaggle.com) profile she's 22..her screen name ends in 69 and she is looking for a boyfriend with benefits. She's this beautiful little perfect being; like a baby, laying there all spread out. She's beautiful! I want to pick her up in my arms and hold her and protect her. I think the mother in my heart took over on this one. Would you believe I worry about her. She's laying on a sheetless mattress; well it looks like a "tiled" basement floor anyway. I pray she doesn't fall victim to abuse. I hope some nice guy comes along who will love her very much and protect her. Spirit guides please help her out - okay? She adorable! I don't care, at 22, you're still a baby. So many bad things can happen to her. Please I beg of you be with her and protect her.
Well, I'm tried! It's time to take Emma out. Hey, spirit guides and everyone, if I do begin to see someone, help me be good for them and them for me. Please, how about mutual love, intimacy and affection.
There was a time I thought I could do without it; but, lifes a little to short. I wish I was head-over-heels again; but you never know..
Monday, December 26, 2005
Beautiful Sunset!
It's 5:00 PM and I am looking at the most beautiful sunset: Dark Gray low hanging clumpy looking clouds tipped with dark orange and red. Just beautiful! I sitting at my dining area table and observing the minutes by minute changes of the sky through by patio door. Just gorgeous. I apprecipate my second story panramic view.
I just got back and took a shower; I'm washing my running clothes and thinking about taking Emma for a walk. I ran six miles to the park and six back. I'll mark that achievment on my calendar so I can keep track of my half-marathon training for this spring. I am already registered for the half-marathon in Clayton on March 19 I believe and I'm registered for the half-marathon on July 9th.
Last evening I played my guitar some. I played "I Can't Believe That Your In Love With Me" and "Bye Bye Blues" and "Rock'n around the Christmas Tree". I probably played some other ones too. I'm trying to play and sing! I can pick tones better than I can strum chordes. Maybe I need to take a few lessons. If I do I'll request Julie who teaches at Music Folk. She was a Christine's Sunday Thanksgiving dinner. She is family! I would like to learn to sing and play about five songs for the annual ladies float next September. We already have this cool cabin reserved. I am so looking forward to it. There are usually about 18 women at least that attend.
I have to learn how to eat! I just ate a little dish of large curd cottage cheese and halved apricots. Good! Well, I was full enough; but, what do I do but fill that little dish up again and eat more. I've already had enough.
I haven't had much to eat today; would you believe chopped pecans and semi-sweet chocolate morsels? Then at 2:30 PM I decide to go for a run. I already had two Accel Gel chocolate with caffeine 4:1 carb/protein packs. I then had two on my run. I know I'm wired. I think I get the runner's high not from the running, but from this gel. Anyway, that is all I had today. You can only get those Accel Gel packs at Nashbar.com bicycle supply store so I have to plan ahead to make sure that I have enough on hand.
I'm planning on going to M's on Tuesday evening. T&J will be there; they have invited people over for New Year's Eve. I wish I had a hot date!
Now where am I going to find a hot date between now and Saturday? There are three people that I would consider and one of the three I am not sure if she is gay or not.
I just got back and took a shower; I'm washing my running clothes and thinking about taking Emma for a walk. I ran six miles to the park and six back. I'll mark that achievment on my calendar so I can keep track of my half-marathon training for this spring. I am already registered for the half-marathon in Clayton on March 19 I believe and I'm registered for the half-marathon on July 9th.
Last evening I played my guitar some. I played "I Can't Believe That Your In Love With Me" and "Bye Bye Blues" and "Rock'n around the Christmas Tree". I probably played some other ones too. I'm trying to play and sing! I can pick tones better than I can strum chordes. Maybe I need to take a few lessons. If I do I'll request Julie who teaches at Music Folk. She was a Christine's Sunday Thanksgiving dinner. She is family! I would like to learn to sing and play about five songs for the annual ladies float next September. We already have this cool cabin reserved. I am so looking forward to it. There are usually about 18 women at least that attend.
I have to learn how to eat! I just ate a little dish of large curd cottage cheese and halved apricots. Good! Well, I was full enough; but, what do I do but fill that little dish up again and eat more. I've already had enough.
I haven't had much to eat today; would you believe chopped pecans and semi-sweet chocolate morsels? Then at 2:30 PM I decide to go for a run. I already had two Accel Gel chocolate with caffeine 4:1 carb/protein packs. I then had two on my run. I know I'm wired. I think I get the runner's high not from the running, but from this gel. Anyway, that is all I had today. You can only get those Accel Gel packs at Nashbar.com bicycle supply store so I have to plan ahead to make sure that I have enough on hand.
I'm planning on going to M's on Tuesday evening. T&J will be there; they have invited people over for New Year's Eve. I wish I had a hot date!
Now where am I going to find a hot date between now and Saturday? There are three people that I would consider and one of the three I am not sure if she is gay or not.
I Survived Christmas so far!
Well, so far I have survived; I'm waiting for reprecussions now. You know the big banging knock on the door. They are going to be pissed now because I dare to defy them.
Hey you! I wish we could talk..more. Remember how you felt that you could tell me things? I want to listen. You know you touched my heart when you told me all that stuff.
In my heart I knew much of it already, I could see it in your eyes. You won't get that kind of preception just anywhere. Don't throw me away, I'm good for you!
I have your best interest in my heart and I think you know that by now. I'm hoping you are reading this. Just let me in; I'm a good asset to have. And besides Emma misses you.
We'll just talk! Let's have some coffee and talk. You can tell me more about your new girlfriend, and how it is going with her.
I'm here for you and I'm a damn good asset..don't throw me away. The time is not up on me; I'm an exception. Besides, you'll never meet anyone like me again and you know it!
Okay Emma let's go for that walk. Then I want to run!
Hey you! I wish we could talk..more. Remember how you felt that you could tell me things? I want to listen. You know you touched my heart when you told me all that stuff.
In my heart I knew much of it already, I could see it in your eyes. You won't get that kind of preception just anywhere. Don't throw me away, I'm good for you!
I have your best interest in my heart and I think you know that by now. I'm hoping you are reading this. Just let me in; I'm a good asset to have. And besides Emma misses you.
We'll just talk! Let's have some coffee and talk. You can tell me more about your new girlfriend, and how it is going with her.
I'm here for you and I'm a damn good asset..don't throw me away. The time is not up on me; I'm an exception. Besides, you'll never meet anyone like me again and you know it!
Okay Emma let's go for that walk. Then I want to run!
Sunday, December 25, 2005
10 PM all is well but I'm missing you
I'm listening to 88.1 jazz - good jazz!
I just had Emma outside. I'm going to try to go to sleep now but I know I won't be able too! Please! You better pray for me because I can't get you out of my mind! What is it about you?
I feel that I am about to do something very foolish! I need you to save me from myself! Help me!
Maybe I should have gone out tonight to the bar and picked somebody up. But, I'm just not up to it! I can't get you out of my mind; and until I do I can't move on. Help me! Come see me! I need you to help me!
God, please help me! I need your help!
Day, night, night, day - you are always there - on my mind! You are driving me crazy!
Come by or call me tomorrow!
Okay, Okay!
Be at M on Tu...alone!
Give me a lecture and make me hate you! Talk to me in person - no email! I need to get over you........
Or let me make love to you... I want to make love to you..
I just had Emma outside. I'm going to try to go to sleep now but I know I won't be able too! Please! You better pray for me because I can't get you out of my mind! What is it about you?
I feel that I am about to do something very foolish! I need you to save me from myself! Help me!
Maybe I should have gone out tonight to the bar and picked somebody up. But, I'm just not up to it! I can't get you out of my mind; and until I do I can't move on. Help me! Come see me! I need you to help me!
God, please help me! I need your help!
Day, night, night, day - you are always there - on my mind! You are driving me crazy!
Come by or call me tomorrow!
Okay, Okay!
Be at M on Tu...alone!
Give me a lecture and make me hate you! Talk to me in person - no email! I need to get over you........
Or let me make love to you... I want to make love to you..
Christmas Day 5:00PM
So far so good!
By now the family has had their big discussion regarding me; or maybe I flatter myself, maybe they didn't.
Well, there isn't much they can do? I don't really think they would bother with a surprise visit. If they are smart; they'll leave me alone. I just want to go away. Janet knows; maybe she hinted at the real reasons today. Oh, I bet they could just kick my ass for bailing. Of course, they probably do not think of it as bailing; but, I certainly do and did.
I don't miss them; actually, I'm rather joyous basing in my feeling of freedom. That is their world and this is my world - two separate things that cannot interact.
Things were okay at Deb's. Her two kids and her mom was there along with neighbors: Tom, Darla, Steve and Jeri. We had great food and lots of sweet and played games.
Deb said she saw my sister dancing at Harry's East Friday evening. I just said "Really?" and that was it! End of topic! No one there asked about my family; not even Jeri. No one asked where I was going next. I think that there was some discussion earlier probably amongst themselves before I got there.
Deb and I use to have good conversations on our patios before I moved away. We had good personal conversations about family and love lives. Today I thought about those conversations and missed them; although a times they were painful. Sometimes it helps to talk to people; sometimes it doesn't. Journaling really helps me. I have at least fourteen journal books mostly filled with painful thoughts concerning my relationship with my mother. I'm not the type to confront her; to me that is senseless because there is no fix; I don't want it fixed! Period! I just want out! My negative feelings do not surround one situation or mishaps; my negative feelings cover a continuum spanning a life time. Who she is, is who she is, the same with me; like oil and water, we don't mix. In their mind I'm probably just a sick-o and that is fine with me. I don't want to fight, I just want out! Go away Arlene!
I'm home enjoying the warmth of a fire in the fireplace and drinking hot coffee and relaxing, reflexing and looking foward at the same time.
I took Emma on a long walk to wear off all the sugar I have had recently. God, I need to go to the gym. I will run tomorrow for sure. I'm going to try to read a little of "Same Soul Many Bodies" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. and I want to read "Past Lives Future Lives" by Dr. Bruce Goldberg. I am going to participate in Pioneers to the Future: Exploring Future Life Progression a workshop and class for four weeks on Monday evenings beginning January 23, 2006. The choices we make now can affect our future. The seeds we plant in this life will contribute to our future lives.
I love a the snap, popping sights and sounds of a wood fire. I am so glad that I bought this condo and moved here. I enjoy living on the second floor, it's so cozy! I also really like the patio doors and decks front and back and the wider view of things below and beyond.
I really knew that I made a great move when I was back at my old condo building today. I no longer had a good feeling; it didn't feel like it was ever home at all. Surprisingly, it didn't feel like I lived there for all those years. Amazing! One day, I just left my old life behind and started all over again. I think I'm beginning to understand you better now my love; a little bit better perhaps.
Here is another amazing thing! The minute my condo went up for sale there were people wanting to buy it; I had it sold within four days! Mine is a townhouse and really, the most popular, so people say, or the garden units which are one-story. Well, there are two garden units available now and none of the present residents there: Jeri, Deb, or Darla knew if anyone was interested in buying them. I found this bit of news very surprising! I realize that interest rates were low this past June; but I thought more people would want their buddies living in the neighborhood. This bit of news tells me that I was very lucky! It's all karma isn't it?
Everything that has happened to me in the past eighteen months has been karma and it all started with falling in a love with a doctor. Love was the catalyst that put me on the path of my purpose here in this lifetime. I thought you were my purpose. I guess I was all wrong. But, I did learn many things from being with you, even though it was a very short time.
But see, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose in this lifetime. I learned not to feel as guilty as I would have felt ignoring my family; of course, three therapist helped too with that guilt stuff. But, you taught me so much and one of those things was to be free to be who I am.
In life we make connections and touch hearts and we take those connections along on our journey. And the people we meet who have made a connection with us, rather physically with us or not, are in our hearts and minds. Our souls make connections, lasting connections sometimes; anyway they do with me? I'm thinking about you this day and I miss you. For some reason, I am a little surprise that I do still care this much. I know, its because of the intimacy that we shared. I meant very much to me!
Still, I'm very excited about the new year and I am wondering what dust I can kick up. I'm free you know to explore every lovely face that passed before me and I plan on doing just that. I want to touch as many hearts and faces as I can. But, I wish I had you back in my life!
Funny, the path that life puts us on. Funny, the paths in life that we take ourselves on - that is why I have to be careful and think things through. I want to have love and fun but not live with anyone. I want a lot of sex; I have to make up for lost time, you know.
I would like to go out with my summer love once in a while for a good time; but she is so angry. When did we get to the point where things got to be so tough and angry. I'm not mad or upset about anything; should I be? I would like to take you out for dinner and casual fun sex. Did I say that? What ever you want, you got it!
I was rather surprised by the every night thing. I thought we would date once, twice, three times a week? But, as it was, it was wonderful and I did love what we had. Maybe we should have set up a program up-front to follow, I don't know; I was so out of circulation, I don't know which end is up. I'm learning. I don't care if it was just for fun and sex - that was all I wanted. Actually, I thought you were quit wonderful. It was a wonderful summer and thanks for helping me with all the things that you did for me.
See, you taught me a lot. I have no regrets. I would; however, like to see you once in a while. Just try not to hate me.
You may think that I interact well with people, but I really don't. I buy presents and bake things for people for different ocassions, not just holiday, but then I don't follow through, I don't actually give the gifts. I think I'm afraid I'll appear foolish or the gifts won't get good enough. I have good intentions but not the confidence; I'm such a mess. The more I can, the worse my confidence level gets. I just thought I'd throw that in...it's my journal, I can ramble on if I want to.
Life is so scary at times and all these chances we have to take and all the fears. of rejection. Oh well! You know I don't know how to date. I'm very afraid of offending someone or creeping them out. Oh what the hell! I'm good at it anyway - making a fool of myself so why not! Actually, all I have to do is read this paragraph about five times and I am no longer worried about making an impression. I know what I am and I really don't need anyone!
Well, I have to put another log on the fire...reminds me of a country western song.
Okay, time to stoke the fire and get to the books I want to read.
Do you know a woman who might want some sex? I want to make her very happy. She doesn't even have to reciprocate.
By now the family has had their big discussion regarding me; or maybe I flatter myself, maybe they didn't.
Well, there isn't much they can do? I don't really think they would bother with a surprise visit. If they are smart; they'll leave me alone. I just want to go away. Janet knows; maybe she hinted at the real reasons today. Oh, I bet they could just kick my ass for bailing. Of course, they probably do not think of it as bailing; but, I certainly do and did.
I don't miss them; actually, I'm rather joyous basing in my feeling of freedom. That is their world and this is my world - two separate things that cannot interact.
Things were okay at Deb's. Her two kids and her mom was there along with neighbors: Tom, Darla, Steve and Jeri. We had great food and lots of sweet and played games.
Deb said she saw my sister dancing at Harry's East Friday evening. I just said "Really?" and that was it! End of topic! No one there asked about my family; not even Jeri. No one asked where I was going next. I think that there was some discussion earlier probably amongst themselves before I got there.
Deb and I use to have good conversations on our patios before I moved away. We had good personal conversations about family and love lives. Today I thought about those conversations and missed them; although a times they were painful. Sometimes it helps to talk to people; sometimes it doesn't. Journaling really helps me. I have at least fourteen journal books mostly filled with painful thoughts concerning my relationship with my mother. I'm not the type to confront her; to me that is senseless because there is no fix; I don't want it fixed! Period! I just want out! My negative feelings do not surround one situation or mishaps; my negative feelings cover a continuum spanning a life time. Who she is, is who she is, the same with me; like oil and water, we don't mix. In their mind I'm probably just a sick-o and that is fine with me. I don't want to fight, I just want out! Go away Arlene!
I'm home enjoying the warmth of a fire in the fireplace and drinking hot coffee and relaxing, reflexing and looking foward at the same time.
I took Emma on a long walk to wear off all the sugar I have had recently. God, I need to go to the gym. I will run tomorrow for sure. I'm going to try to read a little of "Same Soul Many Bodies" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. and I want to read "Past Lives Future Lives" by Dr. Bruce Goldberg. I am going to participate in Pioneers to the Future: Exploring Future Life Progression a workshop and class for four weeks on Monday evenings beginning January 23, 2006. The choices we make now can affect our future. The seeds we plant in this life will contribute to our future lives.
I love a the snap, popping sights and sounds of a wood fire. I am so glad that I bought this condo and moved here. I enjoy living on the second floor, it's so cozy! I also really like the patio doors and decks front and back and the wider view of things below and beyond.
I really knew that I made a great move when I was back at my old condo building today. I no longer had a good feeling; it didn't feel like it was ever home at all. Surprisingly, it didn't feel like I lived there for all those years. Amazing! One day, I just left my old life behind and started all over again. I think I'm beginning to understand you better now my love; a little bit better perhaps.
Here is another amazing thing! The minute my condo went up for sale there were people wanting to buy it; I had it sold within four days! Mine is a townhouse and really, the most popular, so people say, or the garden units which are one-story. Well, there are two garden units available now and none of the present residents there: Jeri, Deb, or Darla knew if anyone was interested in buying them. I found this bit of news very surprising! I realize that interest rates were low this past June; but I thought more people would want their buddies living in the neighborhood. This bit of news tells me that I was very lucky! It's all karma isn't it?
Everything that has happened to me in the past eighteen months has been karma and it all started with falling in a love with a doctor. Love was the catalyst that put me on the path of my purpose here in this lifetime. I thought you were my purpose. I guess I was all wrong. But, I did learn many things from being with you, even though it was a very short time.
But see, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose in this lifetime. I learned not to feel as guilty as I would have felt ignoring my family; of course, three therapist helped too with that guilt stuff. But, you taught me so much and one of those things was to be free to be who I am.
In life we make connections and touch hearts and we take those connections along on our journey. And the people we meet who have made a connection with us, rather physically with us or not, are in our hearts and minds. Our souls make connections, lasting connections sometimes; anyway they do with me? I'm thinking about you this day and I miss you. For some reason, I am a little surprise that I do still care this much. I know, its because of the intimacy that we shared. I meant very much to me!
Still, I'm very excited about the new year and I am wondering what dust I can kick up. I'm free you know to explore every lovely face that passed before me and I plan on doing just that. I want to touch as many hearts and faces as I can. But, I wish I had you back in my life!
Funny, the path that life puts us on. Funny, the paths in life that we take ourselves on - that is why I have to be careful and think things through. I want to have love and fun but not live with anyone. I want a lot of sex; I have to make up for lost time, you know.
I would like to go out with my summer love once in a while for a good time; but she is so angry. When did we get to the point where things got to be so tough and angry. I'm not mad or upset about anything; should I be? I would like to take you out for dinner and casual fun sex. Did I say that? What ever you want, you got it!
I was rather surprised by the every night thing. I thought we would date once, twice, three times a week? But, as it was, it was wonderful and I did love what we had. Maybe we should have set up a program up-front to follow, I don't know; I was so out of circulation, I don't know which end is up. I'm learning. I don't care if it was just for fun and sex - that was all I wanted. Actually, I thought you were quit wonderful. It was a wonderful summer and thanks for helping me with all the things that you did for me.
See, you taught me a lot. I have no regrets. I would; however, like to see you once in a while. Just try not to hate me.
You may think that I interact well with people, but I really don't. I buy presents and bake things for people for different ocassions, not just holiday, but then I don't follow through, I don't actually give the gifts. I think I'm afraid I'll appear foolish or the gifts won't get good enough. I have good intentions but not the confidence; I'm such a mess. The more I can, the worse my confidence level gets. I just thought I'd throw that in...it's my journal, I can ramble on if I want to.
Life is so scary at times and all these chances we have to take and all the fears. of rejection. Oh well! You know I don't know how to date. I'm very afraid of offending someone or creeping them out. Oh what the hell! I'm good at it anyway - making a fool of myself so why not! Actually, all I have to do is read this paragraph about five times and I am no longer worried about making an impression. I know what I am and I really don't need anyone!
Well, I have to put another log on the fire...reminds me of a country western song.
Okay, time to stoke the fire and get to the books I want to read.
Do you know a woman who might want some sex? I want to make her very happy. She doesn't even have to reciprocate.
Happy Christmas Day!
I just had to be different! Merry Christmas my love! I hope you are having a good one. I was just thinking about you as I was vacuuming hair from the couch! I adore you! You know how to hated hair in bed. How to held it up; held it close, looked at it before getting up and pitching it. I guess you still do that. I hope she treasures those moments too! I love you!
I'm going to Deb's till about 3PM. You remember Deb, she came to dinner one evening.
But, all will be okay; I'll just be glad to get back home. I deffinitely do not want to see any of my family! They send Christmas cards like I'm sick or something; it's amazing! Anything to rope me back in! Frankly, I hope I never see any of them again!
I truly hate disliking people; I have always tried and that is where I lost myself - for years! What a damn shame!
I hope you are doing good and are happy! I know the holiday season is very tough for you. I'm not sure why but my heart aches for you; maybe in some way we are a little alike. I think it's because I understand a little and care a lot. I know interacting and relationships are tough, they are for me too. Funny, I would like to crawl into bed with you. I am so weird and wrong, I know!
It seems my heart and body have a mind of their own; otherwise I don't think I would ever try another relationship again.
Anyway, I love you..I was just thinking about you, that all.
I'm going to Deb's till about 3PM. You remember Deb, she came to dinner one evening.
But, all will be okay; I'll just be glad to get back home. I deffinitely do not want to see any of my family! They send Christmas cards like I'm sick or something; it's amazing! Anything to rope me back in! Frankly, I hope I never see any of them again!
I truly hate disliking people; I have always tried and that is where I lost myself - for years! What a damn shame!
I hope you are doing good and are happy! I know the holiday season is very tough for you. I'm not sure why but my heart aches for you; maybe in some way we are a little alike. I think it's because I understand a little and care a lot. I know interacting and relationships are tough, they are for me too. Funny, I would like to crawl into bed with you. I am so weird and wrong, I know!
It seems my heart and body have a mind of their own; otherwise I don't think I would ever try another relationship again.
Anyway, I love you..I was just thinking about you, that all.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Could be my best yet?
Well, let's just same this is my first Christmas without family (neither mine or my partner's) and it's wonderful!
I am just going to sit here and drink in the freedom! No bullshit straight men preaching stories. No downgrading opinions, bigotry, poor advice, agreeing when I don't want to or thoughts given by straight white men and close-minded women.
No role playing this year and I can BLOG and speak my mind. I certainly could not on holidays past. Here, at home alone, I am free to write what I damn well please.
God, and I hated holidays has a child. Well, I just wasn't too crazy about my childhood, period. The church thing; how I hated it. The priest demanding money and coming to school and telling us kids we were going to go to hell for touching ourselves. What an asshole! As a child I would think that I could die and go straight to hell and burn for all eternity for calling a priest an asshole; yes, for speaking the truth. I certainly, would have gotten slapped in the face by anyone standing close by.
As a kid, I had no rights! As a kid I learned all too soon to keep my mouth shut or possibly end up in an asylum, on psychic drugs prescribed by a doctor or shamed to death. There were many times as a kid I wished I was dead.
To escape the tortures of life, most of my time was spent daydreaming. I dreamed of being loved by a beautiful warm loving woman, who would hold me and love me. I fell in love with every sweet woman that I would happen to see on TV, at a funeral home, church picnic or any older girl at school who was sweet to me. I lived in a dream world, it was the only way I could survive.
My mother was stern, demanding, hard, manipulating and cold; as was my grandmothers and all aunts. My father cruel when he wasn't ignoring me. My brother abused me with threats and punches. My half-sister cold ready to slap, spoiled and boy crazy. She lived in town with my grandmother for 14 years of my life I thought she was my aunt. Every family has a secret.
I lived on a farm in isolation with these people; you bet I walked the line! There were no neighbors to run to; no social services. The church? You have got to be kidding; they were the cruelest of all.
Girls were meant to be docile and want to get married and have children. Not me! Girls were supposed to love boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to play with dolls. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to be teased by boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to wear dresses. Not me!
Girls were supposed to be docile, if not they were broken down, belittled into being docile and obedient. Kids in general were supposed to be seen and not heard. Kids did not have an opinion; ate everything served on their plate, got spankings if they disobeyed. Boys were favored over girls; it was quite obvious. Hugs and kissed were not given because they would spoil the child. Babies were left to cry and not picked up so they wouldn't be spoiled.
I was raised in isolation on a farm; it was lonely. I had a void in my heart; I still do. I didn't know what to call it, I just felt it. It was like a sense of hopelessness and sadness and pending dome. I was supposed to get married; that is what I had to look forward to; I recoiled and revolted secretly because I would rather be dead. I never wanted children, why put them through this?
But, in the 70's liberation came along - well somewhat. The pill came around in the sixties and there was free sex. I felt men just made fools of women. I would have no part of it. I was in love with a girl. She didn't know it. The story of my life. It is very easy for me to keep secrets. I hurt silently, I always have, I am very practiced at it.
I was the only one of my kind; I knew no others. I could not tell anyone much less the girl that I loved; I would for sure be ostracized. It was too shameful.
But, although angonizing, the love I felt lightened my heart and gave me a sense of hope. No matter, I loved women secretly while dating men. I had sex with men alot. I didn't care, it was expected and I was taught to please. I ate them up and spit them out; I just didn't care!
This is my truly first Christmas without family, even though when I was alone and living on my own (I never lived with a man) there was always my family or the family of the guy I dated. But, secretly I loved her; I was awfully painful. She dated. I smoked and drank - a lot.
Finally, after many years of misery I just plain wanted to die. I prayed to die. but still way in side I kept hope. I loved myself. I was attractive; no man's fool, I was independent and planned on staying that way.
I came out when I was 40. I decided to show the world a lesbian couple could stay together and be just like any couple and make it work. I went with my partner to all her family functions, even out of town. I now, not only had to deal with my family but her family too! But, her's was at least a little more civilized and treated each other somewhat better; although the men were know- it-all typical males; some things never change. After a few years I come to realize that my now ex was a lot like her father and a lot like my mother. Ours was a platonic relationship. After all the meaningless sex with men; it didn't matter much.
I was buried in my work. We had lesbian friends who were mostly butch; that didn't turn me on. And the fem were in couples. So, I just turned that part of me off. My ex is a good person, basically - really.
Then one day my ex had surgery. Her doctor was so shy, kind, loving and sweet. Yes, I fell so in love with her; that part of me that was dead came alive. I dreamed of her all the time. By this time I was 20 pounds over weight and dressed butch. Yes! Then I got to thinking; you know I just might see her again, you never know. I actually felt it in my heart that I would see her again.
So, I dropped the weight, let my hair grow and became exercising even more. I dressed differently. When I weighted 117 I wore a size 6; I was HOT! Men were even looking at me again, not that I wanted them to. Then one day, I saw the doctor again; somehow, it came out how I felt, when she hugged me. I kissed her cheek. She was very sweet, actually, kissed my cheek. She handled very well; and by doing that - she saved my life. I will never forget her and love her forever. She gave me a lifetime of love in that one hug. She was wonderful. I was so at rock bottm. Well, needless to say, I can't see her anymore; but I'll never forget her.
I still love her and always will because she was a turning point for me; a catalyst for change. She saved my life. Soon after I cleared my life of my ex, my family, my home and moved to another state. I met a girl too and she brought me back to life! Yes, all in one year!
Yes, I'm alone this Christmas eve but I'm happy because I'm free to be me - finally. And I know a new love is just around the corner; someone who is very affectionate and loving. I will be fine! She will love me and make love to me.
Her and I will have fun doing things together and I will be free to be me. I will allow myself to be loved and remain being my own person..this will be something new for me; but I will be able to do it! We will respect each other and most of all love each other. We will have affectionate, loving, hungry sex together; it will be wonderful. We'll be like giggling girls. I will be fine!
I know this will happen, because I know now that I have the will and therefore the power to make it happen. I'm scared! I'm afraid of losing my freedom; just talking about it scares me, but I need love very badly so I'll take the chance. She and I will be able to talk about the things we need from each other and being able to talk like that will make our relationship work.
I will be fine! The universe if smiling down on me - I can feel it! I had to make the changes; I had to take control of my life and make it work for me and I'm in the process of doing that now..
I am just going to sit here and drink in the freedom! No bullshit straight men preaching stories. No downgrading opinions, bigotry, poor advice, agreeing when I don't want to or thoughts given by straight white men and close-minded women.
No role playing this year and I can BLOG and speak my mind. I certainly could not on holidays past. Here, at home alone, I am free to write what I damn well please.
God, and I hated holidays has a child. Well, I just wasn't too crazy about my childhood, period. The church thing; how I hated it. The priest demanding money and coming to school and telling us kids we were going to go to hell for touching ourselves. What an asshole! As a child I would think that I could die and go straight to hell and burn for all eternity for calling a priest an asshole; yes, for speaking the truth. I certainly, would have gotten slapped in the face by anyone standing close by.
As a kid, I had no rights! As a kid I learned all too soon to keep my mouth shut or possibly end up in an asylum, on psychic drugs prescribed by a doctor or shamed to death. There were many times as a kid I wished I was dead.
To escape the tortures of life, most of my time was spent daydreaming. I dreamed of being loved by a beautiful warm loving woman, who would hold me and love me. I fell in love with every sweet woman that I would happen to see on TV, at a funeral home, church picnic or any older girl at school who was sweet to me. I lived in a dream world, it was the only way I could survive.
My mother was stern, demanding, hard, manipulating and cold; as was my grandmothers and all aunts. My father cruel when he wasn't ignoring me. My brother abused me with threats and punches. My half-sister cold ready to slap, spoiled and boy crazy. She lived in town with my grandmother for 14 years of my life I thought she was my aunt. Every family has a secret.
I lived on a farm in isolation with these people; you bet I walked the line! There were no neighbors to run to; no social services. The church? You have got to be kidding; they were the cruelest of all.
Girls were meant to be docile and want to get married and have children. Not me! Girls were supposed to love boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to play with dolls. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to be teased by boys. Not me! Girls were supposed to like to wear dresses. Not me!
Girls were supposed to be docile, if not they were broken down, belittled into being docile and obedient. Kids in general were supposed to be seen and not heard. Kids did not have an opinion; ate everything served on their plate, got spankings if they disobeyed. Boys were favored over girls; it was quite obvious. Hugs and kissed were not given because they would spoil the child. Babies were left to cry and not picked up so they wouldn't be spoiled.
I was raised in isolation on a farm; it was lonely. I had a void in my heart; I still do. I didn't know what to call it, I just felt it. It was like a sense of hopelessness and sadness and pending dome. I was supposed to get married; that is what I had to look forward to; I recoiled and revolted secretly because I would rather be dead. I never wanted children, why put them through this?
But, in the 70's liberation came along - well somewhat. The pill came around in the sixties and there was free sex. I felt men just made fools of women. I would have no part of it. I was in love with a girl. She didn't know it. The story of my life. It is very easy for me to keep secrets. I hurt silently, I always have, I am very practiced at it.
I was the only one of my kind; I knew no others. I could not tell anyone much less the girl that I loved; I would for sure be ostracized. It was too shameful.
But, although angonizing, the love I felt lightened my heart and gave me a sense of hope. No matter, I loved women secretly while dating men. I had sex with men alot. I didn't care, it was expected and I was taught to please. I ate them up and spit them out; I just didn't care!
This is my truly first Christmas without family, even though when I was alone and living on my own (I never lived with a man) there was always my family or the family of the guy I dated. But, secretly I loved her; I was awfully painful. She dated. I smoked and drank - a lot.
Finally, after many years of misery I just plain wanted to die. I prayed to die. but still way in side I kept hope. I loved myself. I was attractive; no man's fool, I was independent and planned on staying that way.
I came out when I was 40. I decided to show the world a lesbian couple could stay together and be just like any couple and make it work. I went with my partner to all her family functions, even out of town. I now, not only had to deal with my family but her family too! But, her's was at least a little more civilized and treated each other somewhat better; although the men were know- it-all typical males; some things never change. After a few years I come to realize that my now ex was a lot like her father and a lot like my mother. Ours was a platonic relationship. After all the meaningless sex with men; it didn't matter much.
I was buried in my work. We had lesbian friends who were mostly butch; that didn't turn me on. And the fem were in couples. So, I just turned that part of me off. My ex is a good person, basically - really.
Then one day my ex had surgery. Her doctor was so shy, kind, loving and sweet. Yes, I fell so in love with her; that part of me that was dead came alive. I dreamed of her all the time. By this time I was 20 pounds over weight and dressed butch. Yes! Then I got to thinking; you know I just might see her again, you never know. I actually felt it in my heart that I would see her again.
So, I dropped the weight, let my hair grow and became exercising even more. I dressed differently. When I weighted 117 I wore a size 6; I was HOT! Men were even looking at me again, not that I wanted them to. Then one day, I saw the doctor again; somehow, it came out how I felt, when she hugged me. I kissed her cheek. She was very sweet, actually, kissed my cheek. She handled very well; and by doing that - she saved my life. I will never forget her and love her forever. She gave me a lifetime of love in that one hug. She was wonderful. I was so at rock bottm. Well, needless to say, I can't see her anymore; but I'll never forget her.
I still love her and always will because she was a turning point for me; a catalyst for change. She saved my life. Soon after I cleared my life of my ex, my family, my home and moved to another state. I met a girl too and she brought me back to life! Yes, all in one year!
Yes, I'm alone this Christmas eve but I'm happy because I'm free to be me - finally. And I know a new love is just around the corner; someone who is very affectionate and loving. I will be fine! She will love me and make love to me.
Her and I will have fun doing things together and I will be free to be me. I will allow myself to be loved and remain being my own person..this will be something new for me; but I will be able to do it! We will respect each other and most of all love each other. We will have affectionate, loving, hungry sex together; it will be wonderful. We'll be like giggling girls. I will be fine!
I know this will happen, because I know now that I have the will and therefore the power to make it happen. I'm scared! I'm afraid of losing my freedom; just talking about it scares me, but I need love very badly so I'll take the chance. She and I will be able to talk about the things we need from each other and being able to talk like that will make our relationship work.
I will be fine! The universe if smiling down on me - I can feel it! I had to make the changes; I had to take control of my life and make it work for me and I'm in the process of doing that now..
Merry Christmas
It's 2:00 PM on Christmas Eve, so far I'm having a great Christmas. No Really! I saw my true "family" at Frontrunners this morning, despite the inclimate weather there was quite of few of us there. I had nice one-on-one conversation while running. It was nice! We talked a little about relationships and love. We didn't talk about family; I don't have much input on that subject. They surprised me because I guess I wasn't expecting it; but they said they were going to M's on Tuesday and I was extremely happy to hear that.
There is one person who warms my heart that I would love to see there at M's too. I would love to hug her and kiss her forehead. I might just reach over kiss her forehead if the moment presents itself no matter what her expression. I think she should know that I love her; that I'm "solid" in her life. My ex is a "solid" in my life and damn sometimes that is a wonderful thing to have; just to know someone is there and cares about you. Someone you can call when times are tough; someone you know loves you. My ex's and mine was mostly a platonic relationship for all those years, yet when push comes to shove I think we can depend on each other for health care power of attorney etc., you have to have that. You need a solid base in your life. Someone who loves you unconditionally and will be there for you and will never take advantage of you. I'm here for you my summer love, if you need me - unconditionally (which means I do not expect anything in return).
You see, I loved you as soon as I saw you and when you shared things with me, it only deepened my love for you. Personally, I think the universe sent me to care about you. I know you don't agree and right now, I think you don't like me very much. Actually, I don't care if you come up to me and punch me in the gut; I can see through all of that stuff.
Then again, I might be totally wrong; anyway, I hope you are happy! Are you sick of her yet? Is she a little too happy, too perfect, and assuming?
Okay, okay, hey it's Christmas and I'm happy and strung out on caffeine. I'm proud of myself today. I'll explain. I woke up to water pouring up out of the pavement on to the street front of my condo. So, before I left to go to Frontrunners, I filled two buckets of water, a little pale, jugs etc. It's now after 2:00 in the afternoon and well, all I can say is that they are out here working on it still and my water is off and I haven't touch my reserves yet. I'll be fine! The poor neighbors around the corner and down the street didn't see it coming, so I guess I'm lucky in planning ahead.
This afternoon I have things I want to write, read and I want to watch "Tiping the Velet" and maybe "Fingersmith" again. Both movie are by Sarah Waters and are terrifically done. Oh, I may play my guitar and/or key board first but whatever, I'm ready to get a fire going, incense, burning, coffee brewing and celebrate my freedom.
I got a Xmas card from my mother; she is worried that I am sick and I should let her know how I am. Evidently my sister-in-law has not told her the ture contents of the email that I sent this past summer; which included adjectives such as manipulating, self-serving, controlling, and demanding - you get the idea!
I don't trust any of them! She is baiting me; she has always done this, how dumb does she think I am as to not have caught on by now? She has already had my nephew bait me too. "I need to talk to you about something, call me" Yeah right! I cannot stand to be in the presence of my mother or even stand to talk to her; this has been going on for a long time. I'm trying to be half-way civil here and just keep my distance. If I speak to them, sharp words will be sprewed; I wouldn't really care, but it's not my style. Why give them more food for fodder - turning me into the "bad" guy. As it is, I"m the "sick" guy now - I think it's funnier than hell; it has never been anything she, or they may have done. There is no way in hell I'm going back; I'm passed the catholic guilt phase. I know she and they want to reel me back in to manipulate me into doing their bidding. I have learned at an early age never to ask or expect anything from them; quite frankly, I do not want to owe them anything so I have never asked for anything - not since I was a young kid. I have nothing to give them. I don't trust them. I just can't get over my egoistic mother, thinking I'm sick and just not telling her. It makes me want to laugh! The woman cannot take a hint - never could. I'm not a daughter, I'm property to her; just something you can beat about the head, stump upon my honor and heart and think I'm going to love you unconditionally. It just doesn't work that way. If she or anyone treats me like shit and the love fads away; end of story. Same with my dad. When I was a little kid he beat my dog to death, made me watch and lead me to believe I was next; that more than did it for me. There was nothing left after that. I just put my time in and left that concentration camp when I got to be 21 and legal. But still those idiots had a catholic guilt hold on me, but years of therapy and I'm better, much better but the hole in my heart is still there and I don't know how or where to find the warm affectionate love I never got. I did once though (the good doctor) and I think I will again - soon. I think the universe and my spirit guides are within (amazing, that was a typo, I meant to say with me). I think it will be soon.
I met someone. I hope she's not straight! She is very affectionate and warm and touches me. Damn, I wish I would have hugged her the other night. Anyway, I'm praying about it. I need that (former) perpetual ache in my heart to go away, like it did this past summer although briefly. I think the universe is with me finally. Because finally I can admit that I NEED love; I would never admit that before now. I also think that I have learned that I can love and be loved and not turn myself completely over to them; that I can still be an individual. My mother's love was conditional and she certainly let me know it. She never held up for me, she wanted to keep me under her thumb, she ignored my lifestyle. When I was very little I HAD to ask her. "Why did you have kids?" Her reply. "To help me work; to be a helper." Right about then she stopped holding me. I was too big to hold. So, no more hugs - ever. For years I wondered why I never felt anything for her and yet I could love my friends, etc. I finally figured it out; my friends were nice to me and cared about me.
Life is so weird. I tried so hard to be straight. I think I broke a lot of hearts. I was so docile yet could never love in return. Women? All they had to do was smile at me, and I was in love. If they were sweet to me or touched me, or god forbid hold me, I loved them forever (the doctor).
I can't wait for my next life! I am going to be born to a wonderfully warm, loving, caring and most affectionate mother. She will hold me and love me and I will love her in return. She will be the wind beneath my wings and nurture and push me onward and prepare me for the world with encouragement. I will be a lesbian too the next time, I will love from a very young age and treasure all the loves that I missed out on. In this lifetime which was wasted trying to be straight to please my family, society, the government and the church. They will never ever rob me of my life and loves again. Never! As God and the universe as my witness - never again! There will never be another hole in my heart - ever!
I still have time in this lifetime, I think and I hope. You see I'm stuck too, time moved on when I was still trying to straighten the mess all out. So, god, the universe and my spirit guides, I need your help! Let's speed things up a little. You know what I want and what kind of person I want; so see what you can do! You know, I missed out on a lot of loving affectionate lesbian sex - I'm way overdue. So, I need someone desirable and who wants me and it!
No matter what happens or doesn't happen in 2006 I do love myself; I really do. I've done damn good for myself and I look good. No matter what, I thank god, the universe, my spirit guides for all of my wonderful blessings of many friends, good health, common sense, safe and pain free days and lots of prosperty. My wonderful friends! I have been very fortunate just within the past year I have met so many wonderful people through the two groups I belong too. And I have my friends I have also known for years. And I have special loves that own a corner of my heart; I will cherish them always!
There is one person who warms my heart that I would love to see there at M's too. I would love to hug her and kiss her forehead. I might just reach over kiss her forehead if the moment presents itself no matter what her expression. I think she should know that I love her; that I'm "solid" in her life. My ex is a "solid" in my life and damn sometimes that is a wonderful thing to have; just to know someone is there and cares about you. Someone you can call when times are tough; someone you know loves you. My ex's and mine was mostly a platonic relationship for all those years, yet when push comes to shove I think we can depend on each other for health care power of attorney etc., you have to have that. You need a solid base in your life. Someone who loves you unconditionally and will be there for you and will never take advantage of you. I'm here for you my summer love, if you need me - unconditionally (which means I do not expect anything in return).
You see, I loved you as soon as I saw you and when you shared things with me, it only deepened my love for you. Personally, I think the universe sent me to care about you. I know you don't agree and right now, I think you don't like me very much. Actually, I don't care if you come up to me and punch me in the gut; I can see through all of that stuff.
Then again, I might be totally wrong; anyway, I hope you are happy! Are you sick of her yet? Is she a little too happy, too perfect, and assuming?
Okay, okay, hey it's Christmas and I'm happy and strung out on caffeine. I'm proud of myself today. I'll explain. I woke up to water pouring up out of the pavement on to the street front of my condo. So, before I left to go to Frontrunners, I filled two buckets of water, a little pale, jugs etc. It's now after 2:00 in the afternoon and well, all I can say is that they are out here working on it still and my water is off and I haven't touch my reserves yet. I'll be fine! The poor neighbors around the corner and down the street didn't see it coming, so I guess I'm lucky in planning ahead.
This afternoon I have things I want to write, read and I want to watch "Tiping the Velet" and maybe "Fingersmith" again. Both movie are by Sarah Waters and are terrifically done. Oh, I may play my guitar and/or key board first but whatever, I'm ready to get a fire going, incense, burning, coffee brewing and celebrate my freedom.
I got a Xmas card from my mother; she is worried that I am sick and I should let her know how I am. Evidently my sister-in-law has not told her the ture contents of the email that I sent this past summer; which included adjectives such as manipulating, self-serving, controlling, and demanding - you get the idea!
I don't trust any of them! She is baiting me; she has always done this, how dumb does she think I am as to not have caught on by now? She has already had my nephew bait me too. "I need to talk to you about something, call me" Yeah right! I cannot stand to be in the presence of my mother or even stand to talk to her; this has been going on for a long time. I'm trying to be half-way civil here and just keep my distance. If I speak to them, sharp words will be sprewed; I wouldn't really care, but it's not my style. Why give them more food for fodder - turning me into the "bad" guy. As it is, I"m the "sick" guy now - I think it's funnier than hell; it has never been anything she, or they may have done. There is no way in hell I'm going back; I'm passed the catholic guilt phase. I know she and they want to reel me back in to manipulate me into doing their bidding. I have learned at an early age never to ask or expect anything from them; quite frankly, I do not want to owe them anything so I have never asked for anything - not since I was a young kid. I have nothing to give them. I don't trust them. I just can't get over my egoistic mother, thinking I'm sick and just not telling her. It makes me want to laugh! The woman cannot take a hint - never could. I'm not a daughter, I'm property to her; just something you can beat about the head, stump upon my honor and heart and think I'm going to love you unconditionally. It just doesn't work that way. If she or anyone treats me like shit and the love fads away; end of story. Same with my dad. When I was a little kid he beat my dog to death, made me watch and lead me to believe I was next; that more than did it for me. There was nothing left after that. I just put my time in and left that concentration camp when I got to be 21 and legal. But still those idiots had a catholic guilt hold on me, but years of therapy and I'm better, much better but the hole in my heart is still there and I don't know how or where to find the warm affectionate love I never got. I did once though (the good doctor) and I think I will again - soon. I think the universe and my spirit guides are within (amazing, that was a typo, I meant to say with me). I think it will be soon.
I met someone. I hope she's not straight! She is very affectionate and warm and touches me. Damn, I wish I would have hugged her the other night. Anyway, I'm praying about it. I need that (former) perpetual ache in my heart to go away, like it did this past summer although briefly. I think the universe is with me finally. Because finally I can admit that I NEED love; I would never admit that before now. I also think that I have learned that I can love and be loved and not turn myself completely over to them; that I can still be an individual. My mother's love was conditional and she certainly let me know it. She never held up for me, she wanted to keep me under her thumb, she ignored my lifestyle. When I was very little I HAD to ask her. "Why did you have kids?" Her reply. "To help me work; to be a helper." Right about then she stopped holding me. I was too big to hold. So, no more hugs - ever. For years I wondered why I never felt anything for her and yet I could love my friends, etc. I finally figured it out; my friends were nice to me and cared about me.
Life is so weird. I tried so hard to be straight. I think I broke a lot of hearts. I was so docile yet could never love in return. Women? All they had to do was smile at me, and I was in love. If they were sweet to me or touched me, or god forbid hold me, I loved them forever (the doctor).
I can't wait for my next life! I am going to be born to a wonderfully warm, loving, caring and most affectionate mother. She will hold me and love me and I will love her in return. She will be the wind beneath my wings and nurture and push me onward and prepare me for the world with encouragement. I will be a lesbian too the next time, I will love from a very young age and treasure all the loves that I missed out on. In this lifetime which was wasted trying to be straight to please my family, society, the government and the church. They will never ever rob me of my life and loves again. Never! As God and the universe as my witness - never again! There will never be another hole in my heart - ever!
I still have time in this lifetime, I think and I hope. You see I'm stuck too, time moved on when I was still trying to straighten the mess all out. So, god, the universe and my spirit guides, I need your help! Let's speed things up a little. You know what I want and what kind of person I want; so see what you can do! You know, I missed out on a lot of loving affectionate lesbian sex - I'm way overdue. So, I need someone desirable and who wants me and it!
No matter what happens or doesn't happen in 2006 I do love myself; I really do. I've done damn good for myself and I look good. No matter what, I thank god, the universe, my spirit guides for all of my wonderful blessings of many friends, good health, common sense, safe and pain free days and lots of prosperty. My wonderful friends! I have been very fortunate just within the past year I have met so many wonderful people through the two groups I belong too. And I have my friends I have also known for years. And I have special loves that own a corner of my heart; I will cherish them always!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
ups budget
Well, I ran today and made sure I didn't run too far, so I would be home later in the afternoon when the UPS truck came to deliver my package. I wanted to make sure I was home, because they always ask for your signature. I hate that! Just leave the package, why don't you? Okay, so I'm home journaling, reading, relaxing after my run. When out my front window, I see a Budget truck pull up with two guys in it, the other guy is eating a banana. Suddenly, I hear a harsh, angry knock at my door. My neighbors had already moved, last Sunday, so who ordered the Budget truck?
Then, the Budget truck guys knock at my door. Hmm, suspicious as I am and slightly paranoid, I'm thinking - robbers. A person can't be too careful, near Christmas. Soon, they leave!
Three hours later, I'm wondering where UPS delivery is; so I get on line with my tracking number. Shit! They were here at 3:13 and no one was home and will attempt delivery tomorrow. I went downstairs and opened the door, sure enough that damn sticker is on the door. UPS must have been here the same time the Budget truck robbers were here - and possibly scared them off?
Whenever I order something on line I always request that delivery does not ask for signature and just leave the package at the door. The whole idea of just not leaving the package infuriates me. So, I yank the sticker off the door, sign it and tape it back on. I continue to rant and rave for another twenty minutes. I begin to calm down and even laugh at the jokes on LOGO's stand-up comics show. Okay, I resort to the fact that I'll hang around tomorrow just in case.
Oops, it's 6:30 PM now, and Emma hasn't been out since about one, guess I'll walk her. Outside, near the corner, across the street I see the robbers' Budget truck. Finally, it dawns on me! I walk up and I see the banana eating guy.
"Hey are you UPS?"
"We sure are?"
"I have no idea you guys used Budget trucks?"
"Well, yes we do" says the Mr. Banana "usually around Christmas when we are extra busy"
"So, you're not robbers?" No, I didn't admit that..
Anyway, I got my package! So, it seems I rant and raved for nothing.
Timing is everything isn't it? Now, this time I didn't even pray. Maybe praying earlier for that sweet innocent young thing granted me a favor in return? God, love the universe and the spiritual world! Is there really a god our just us spirit visiting earth in human form and our spirit guides who help us out? Hmm, that's another BLOG entry at a later date.
As for a the saying the nude girl is sweet and innocent; yes, at 22, I don't care, I think you are. Sometimes even at 34 you can be too, it just depends on what life has already dealt you. Now, at my age, it's a different story, I've had years of experience, I'm at a little different place and should have sorted things out or at least come to terms. But, even me, I'm still sweet and innocent.
But, I do know at a younger age I could not give love. I could not help heal someone else before tending to my own needs. But, now I do have love in my heart to give; maybe because I just understand other's pain a lot better. Maybe?
Well, it's the holiday season and I have a lot of love in my heart for everyone except my family. I have love for all of my friends, past lovers (women only) and my ex.
I know I'm rambling - it's my BLOG! You know, this is what is weird I think between straight women and lesbian women: Straight men pissed me off too. I think it's because we (straight women, or just women in general?) think that straight men are intentionally mean. Yes, straight men have pissed me off! I think because they think they have to direct, preach, teach, claim ownership, and like to keep you guessing. My ex and my recent lover never made me mad. Maybe straight women should reconsider?
Oh well, enough about straight men; how did I get on them anyway? Did you see the movie on LOGO called "Fingersmith?" Did you see how sweet and tender their love making was. Oh my god! Especially the exploring, show me how thing! Be still my heart!
Okay I have to go now!
Then, the Budget truck guys knock at my door. Hmm, suspicious as I am and slightly paranoid, I'm thinking - robbers. A person can't be too careful, near Christmas. Soon, they leave!
Three hours later, I'm wondering where UPS delivery is; so I get on line with my tracking number. Shit! They were here at 3:13 and no one was home and will attempt delivery tomorrow. I went downstairs and opened the door, sure enough that damn sticker is on the door. UPS must have been here the same time the Budget truck robbers were here - and possibly scared them off?
Whenever I order something on line I always request that delivery does not ask for signature and just leave the package at the door. The whole idea of just not leaving the package infuriates me. So, I yank the sticker off the door, sign it and tape it back on. I continue to rant and rave for another twenty minutes. I begin to calm down and even laugh at the jokes on LOGO's stand-up comics show. Okay, I resort to the fact that I'll hang around tomorrow just in case.
Oops, it's 6:30 PM now, and Emma hasn't been out since about one, guess I'll walk her. Outside, near the corner, across the street I see the robbers' Budget truck. Finally, it dawns on me! I walk up and I see the banana eating guy.
"Hey are you UPS?"
"We sure are?"
"I have no idea you guys used Budget trucks?"
"Well, yes we do" says the Mr. Banana "usually around Christmas when we are extra busy"
"So, you're not robbers?" No, I didn't admit that..
Anyway, I got my package! So, it seems I rant and raved for nothing.
Timing is everything isn't it? Now, this time I didn't even pray. Maybe praying earlier for that sweet innocent young thing granted me a favor in return? God, love the universe and the spiritual world! Is there really a god our just us spirit visiting earth in human form and our spirit guides who help us out? Hmm, that's another BLOG entry at a later date.
As for a the saying the nude girl is sweet and innocent; yes, at 22, I don't care, I think you are. Sometimes even at 34 you can be too, it just depends on what life has already dealt you. Now, at my age, it's a different story, I've had years of experience, I'm at a little different place and should have sorted things out or at least come to terms. But, even me, I'm still sweet and innocent.
But, I do know at a younger age I could not give love. I could not help heal someone else before tending to my own needs. But, now I do have love in my heart to give; maybe because I just understand other's pain a lot better. Maybe?
Well, it's the holiday season and I have a lot of love in my heart for everyone except my family. I have love for all of my friends, past lovers (women only) and my ex.
I know I'm rambling - it's my BLOG! You know, this is what is weird I think between straight women and lesbian women: Straight men pissed me off too. I think it's because we (straight women, or just women in general?) think that straight men are intentionally mean. Yes, straight men have pissed me off! I think because they think they have to direct, preach, teach, claim ownership, and like to keep you guessing. My ex and my recent lover never made me mad. Maybe straight women should reconsider?
Oh well, enough about straight men; how did I get on them anyway? Did you see the movie on LOGO called "Fingersmith?" Did you see how sweet and tender their love making was. Oh my god! Especially the exploring, show me how thing! Be still my heart!
Okay I have to go now!
I'm Damn Cute!
You know, I just got back from running about six miles; was about to change from my black with white reflecting trim and satiny hooded little jacket when I looked in the mirror and said. "Damn, I'm cute!" I guess all the hard work is paying off. I had the jacket on and my biathlon black shorts and my belly was showing a little. "Damn, girl!"
My hairs a little longer, my skin a little smoother, my legs a little more shapelier, my gut a little flatter and you know it looked pretty damn good to me. I guess all the hard work pays off or I'm just that horny.
It's 50 degrees out now; I wonder what the temperature will be like tomorrow? Maybe I'll ride my bicycle! I haven't done that for while now, not since October anyway; I'll have to get brave and daring all over again. You know the traffic and the crazy drivers. But, I love the wonderful bicycling workout I get on every muscle.
But, recently too, I think the yoga really has paid off. I love it! There's a plus side to this; I love my yoga instructor.
My instructor is very hands on and I love it! Last night she touched and pushed on my back. I just really need to be touched right now, shown some affection and caring and I get that there. Last night we laid on each other and our breathing and heart beats were in sync. Okay, now I'll explain, it was back to back, tail bone to tail bone. But, the object was to match breathing rthyms and hold hands. It was so cool! I was supposed to do it with one of either of my neighboring male partners. Of course, it was not required that we do it, but I wanted to do it with her, and so I said as much.
I pray to my spirit guides regularly in any situation, and I ususally get what I want or things just seem to work out for me. Anyway, I really needed to be touched last night; I was down and depressed; I choose have ran more this week because that helps me. Anyway, she did, she touched my back. But, now I am getting a little creedy and selflish and I wanted more..so I prayed. And much to my amazement and gratitude, ten minutes later, she is laying on me, then I'm laying on her and we are breathing together and holding hands. Now, how cool is that?
I watched another women hug her when the class ended; well, I had to put something on the table she was standing near so I took the opportunity to tell her to have a good Christmas, she stoked my arm and spoke very nicely. I know if I would have hugged her she would have hugged me back; back I wasn't sure if I should, so I didn't. Actually, I was afraid I would kiss her cheek too, and I thought, maybe I better not yet.
Praying to my guardian angels really seems to work out for me before any situation that I am worried about, so I pray a lot. Believe me when I say I pray when I am riding on the streets on my bicycle. It's scary, especially the first couple of times out when I not used to the motorist, then I become more use to them and feel a little better. But, let me tell you, motorist are looking for big objects, they do not see runners or bicyclist; they are only looking for cars or other big things. Truly, it's pretty pitiful. The worse offenders are men. You're surprised.
I was running through an affluent neighborhood today and a guy backed right out in front of me. He did not look my way. I had to stop (one thing a runner hates to do - break stride!) Hmm, affluent plus injury equals bigger nicer condo? No, not worth it. I would rather be poor in my tiny condo but able to run, bike and do yoga.
God, I am so fortunate and I know it! God, my spirit guides, the universe, I thank you all very much for my many gifts of good physical health and abilities. I can curl up with the best of them at yoga - I am so grateful!
I pray all the time. There is this darling cute young girl at shaggle (you can figure out the address, I'm not putting the dot com here). Anyway, find her, she is wonderful; I want to pick her up, hold her and rock her in my arms close to my heart. I don't worry about her, but I pray for her. I pray she is loved, safe, smart, not taken advantage of, and I hope she loves herself enough to learn to be self-sufficent. Thank god, she's is not my daughter! The pose is so vulnerable she touches my heart, like I said I want to pick her up and hold her. Find canyoushowme69, she is 22 from Michigan I think. Dark hair, beautiful face, eyes closed, little smile, arms up surrounding her beautiful breasts and spread out like a new born baby. Maybe that is why she touches my heart. She's perfectly beautiful. You know, I have reached the point in my life, and everyone does, when you really begin to treasure life and see it as a beautiful gift to behold. God, she breaks my heart. Is she looking for a home? I don't care what you do just try to maintain some self-respect. Anyway, I have to stop thinking about her. I have cut and pasted her picture into a folder. She is not looking at the camera and it is not a sexy pose, it's more like a vulnerable, innocent (believe it or not) beautiful pose. Anyway, god, spirit guides, please take care of her; please keep her safe, happy and most of all loved. Help her to love herself, if she doesn't, I have a feeling she does and is just a free-spirit. And please don't have anyone harm her. Please protect her beautiful body, her mind, and her emotions. Okay, already I guess I prayed enough for her - for today, anyway. I can't help it, she just touched my heart and I feel love for her.
My summer love touches my heart and I pray for her too. I was just looking at river pictures she didn't want me to take. You know I love you, still. I pray for you too! You are a precious human being and I would love to hold you in my arms and kiss your pain away.
My hairs a little longer, my skin a little smoother, my legs a little more shapelier, my gut a little flatter and you know it looked pretty damn good to me. I guess all the hard work pays off or I'm just that horny.
It's 50 degrees out now; I wonder what the temperature will be like tomorrow? Maybe I'll ride my bicycle! I haven't done that for while now, not since October anyway; I'll have to get brave and daring all over again. You know the traffic and the crazy drivers. But, I love the wonderful bicycling workout I get on every muscle.
But, recently too, I think the yoga really has paid off. I love it! There's a plus side to this; I love my yoga instructor.
My instructor is very hands on and I love it! Last night she touched and pushed on my back. I just really need to be touched right now, shown some affection and caring and I get that there. Last night we laid on each other and our breathing and heart beats were in sync. Okay, now I'll explain, it was back to back, tail bone to tail bone. But, the object was to match breathing rthyms and hold hands. It was so cool! I was supposed to do it with one of either of my neighboring male partners. Of course, it was not required that we do it, but I wanted to do it with her, and so I said as much.
I pray to my spirit guides regularly in any situation, and I ususally get what I want or things just seem to work out for me. Anyway, I really needed to be touched last night; I was down and depressed; I choose have ran more this week because that helps me. Anyway, she did, she touched my back. But, now I am getting a little creedy and selflish and I wanted more..so I prayed. And much to my amazement and gratitude, ten minutes later, she is laying on me, then I'm laying on her and we are breathing together and holding hands. Now, how cool is that?
I watched another women hug her when the class ended; well, I had to put something on the table she was standing near so I took the opportunity to tell her to have a good Christmas, she stoked my arm and spoke very nicely. I know if I would have hugged her she would have hugged me back; back I wasn't sure if I should, so I didn't. Actually, I was afraid I would kiss her cheek too, and I thought, maybe I better not yet.
Praying to my guardian angels really seems to work out for me before any situation that I am worried about, so I pray a lot. Believe me when I say I pray when I am riding on the streets on my bicycle. It's scary, especially the first couple of times out when I not used to the motorist, then I become more use to them and feel a little better. But, let me tell you, motorist are looking for big objects, they do not see runners or bicyclist; they are only looking for cars or other big things. Truly, it's pretty pitiful. The worse offenders are men. You're surprised.
I was running through an affluent neighborhood today and a guy backed right out in front of me. He did not look my way. I had to stop (one thing a runner hates to do - break stride!) Hmm, affluent plus injury equals bigger nicer condo? No, not worth it. I would rather be poor in my tiny condo but able to run, bike and do yoga.
God, I am so fortunate and I know it! God, my spirit guides, the universe, I thank you all very much for my many gifts of good physical health and abilities. I can curl up with the best of them at yoga - I am so grateful!
I pray all the time. There is this darling cute young girl at shaggle (you can figure out the address, I'm not putting the dot com here). Anyway, find her, she is wonderful; I want to pick her up, hold her and rock her in my arms close to my heart. I don't worry about her, but I pray for her. I pray she is loved, safe, smart, not taken advantage of, and I hope she loves herself enough to learn to be self-sufficent. Thank god, she's is not my daughter! The pose is so vulnerable she touches my heart, like I said I want to pick her up and hold her. Find canyoushowme69, she is 22 from Michigan I think. Dark hair, beautiful face, eyes closed, little smile, arms up surrounding her beautiful breasts and spread out like a new born baby. Maybe that is why she touches my heart. She's perfectly beautiful. You know, I have reached the point in my life, and everyone does, when you really begin to treasure life and see it as a beautiful gift to behold. God, she breaks my heart. Is she looking for a home? I don't care what you do just try to maintain some self-respect. Anyway, I have to stop thinking about her. I have cut and pasted her picture into a folder. She is not looking at the camera and it is not a sexy pose, it's more like a vulnerable, innocent (believe it or not) beautiful pose. Anyway, god, spirit guides, please take care of her; please keep her safe, happy and most of all loved. Help her to love herself, if she doesn't, I have a feeling she does and is just a free-spirit. And please don't have anyone harm her. Please protect her beautiful body, her mind, and her emotions. Okay, already I guess I prayed enough for her - for today, anyway. I can't help it, she just touched my heart and I feel love for her.
My summer love touches my heart and I pray for her too. I was just looking at river pictures she didn't want me to take. You know I love you, still. I pray for you too! You are a precious human being and I would love to hold you in my arms and kiss your pain away.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Where's the sun
Where's the sun today? Where's the warmth? I could use the sun shinning on both sides of me. I need a sunny day to run my sorrows away and give me feelings of love.
I'm not an unhappy person, I'm a loveless person. Funny, as I write this it worries me that someone may take me up on it and that frightens me. It frightens me because of the necessary changes involved that always occur in a loving relationship.
One thing about being alone, you always know what to expect: nothing. When you are in love, there is loving compromise; notice I say loving compromise.
In a relationship you give up at least 50% of your decisions and freedoms. Well, that's only fair now! So, just make sure her kisses are so sweet and tender and you feel as if you can never get enough. That's how I felt! I loved kissing her forehead, her hair, touching her, stroking her hair. I miss it. I miss loving her, her body. I miss the warmth of her body next to mine; her heart so close.
I pray for another love; but will she ever measure up? And, I must be in love to have sex, I think, anyway. Anyway, I was totally in love with her and still.
Of course, I guess I could love the moment, love the body, love the pretty face? There is all kinds of love; all levels of love, so I am told.
Anyway, I need the sun to shine on me and carass my face with tender kisses and soft touches of love. I need to feel the warmth against my skin, the affection, the love of god, my spirit guides. I need to feel my hair move, swing as I run in large steps, running toward that next sun kiss, that next tender loving carass to my skin.
God, if I can't have her touch, then please give me a sunny day!
I'm not an unhappy person, I'm a loveless person. Funny, as I write this it worries me that someone may take me up on it and that frightens me. It frightens me because of the necessary changes involved that always occur in a loving relationship.
One thing about being alone, you always know what to expect: nothing. When you are in love, there is loving compromise; notice I say loving compromise.
In a relationship you give up at least 50% of your decisions and freedoms. Well, that's only fair now! So, just make sure her kisses are so sweet and tender and you feel as if you can never get enough. That's how I felt! I loved kissing her forehead, her hair, touching her, stroking her hair. I miss it. I miss loving her, her body. I miss the warmth of her body next to mine; her heart so close.
I pray for another love; but will she ever measure up? And, I must be in love to have sex, I think, anyway. Anyway, I was totally in love with her and still.
Of course, I guess I could love the moment, love the body, love the pretty face? There is all kinds of love; all levels of love, so I am told.
Anyway, I need the sun to shine on me and carass my face with tender kisses and soft touches of love. I need to feel the warmth against my skin, the affection, the love of god, my spirit guides. I need to feel my hair move, swing as I run in large steps, running toward that next sun kiss, that next tender loving carass to my skin.
God, if I can't have her touch, then please give me a sunny day!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
All Is Well!
It's 9:00 PM. Yes, I stayed in tonight and I'm glad. Well, I had a fire going in the fireplace and couldn't very well leave it!
I read the paper, watched "Fingersmith" again. And I did some thinking too! I think my mind is clear now. I'm looking forward to a busy new year full of life changes and new paths. I'm free! I'm free to explore life, my spirituality, my purpose, my dreams.
Christmas will not be celebrated. You know, if you stay out of the stores, it's just another day. Just don't watch the regular networks; watch LOGO, the gay/lesbian channel. No where else is Christmas celebrated but the church and stores. Just don't go there!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning with my OB/GYN. A new doctor; I think I will like her. I recently had bad experience and so did my ex at Advocates for Health; don't go there; they are general practicianers there. Tomorrow, I should be fine, but I just want her to check out something, something I saw; they'll run a test for it. This has the "life partner" on her information sheet. She is okay with alternate life styles. Shelton is her last name.
You ever notice on these BLOG enteries, I write like I'm writing to YOU? Well I guess I am. I'll get over that one of these days.
This BLOG address is not on any of my group sites; I took it off. Man Susan Sarandan looks young in "The Hunger". The movie itself is weird!c David Bowie is in this. And she is so thin; with Betty Davis eyes; only better!
I had a good day. It was very cold this morning when I walked Emma and when we got back my power was off. So, I packed up my laptop and went to the local coffee and pastry shop and hooked up via their WiFi.
It's late, I'm tired good night!
I read the paper, watched "Fingersmith" again. And I did some thinking too! I think my mind is clear now. I'm looking forward to a busy new year full of life changes and new paths. I'm free! I'm free to explore life, my spirituality, my purpose, my dreams.
Christmas will not be celebrated. You know, if you stay out of the stores, it's just another day. Just don't watch the regular networks; watch LOGO, the gay/lesbian channel. No where else is Christmas celebrated but the church and stores. Just don't go there!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning with my OB/GYN. A new doctor; I think I will like her. I recently had bad experience and so did my ex at Advocates for Health; don't go there; they are general practicianers there. Tomorrow, I should be fine, but I just want her to check out something, something I saw; they'll run a test for it. This has the "life partner" on her information sheet. She is okay with alternate life styles. Shelton is her last name.
You ever notice on these BLOG enteries, I write like I'm writing to YOU? Well I guess I am. I'll get over that one of these days.
This BLOG address is not on any of my group sites; I took it off. Man Susan Sarandan looks young in "The Hunger". The movie itself is weird!c David Bowie is in this. And she is so thin; with Betty Davis eyes; only better!
I had a good day. It was very cold this morning when I walked Emma and when we got back my power was off. So, I packed up my laptop and went to the local coffee and pastry shop and hooked up via their WiFi.
It's late, I'm tired good night!
Can't Decide!
I can't decide if I want to go to M's or not this evening? Decisions! Decisions! Sometimes it is just too cozy to go out into the cold. Last night it was 12 degrees. Now that is ridiculous! Well, I'll decide! It will be in the upper 20's this evening!
Besides being extremely cold, my power went out this morning, so after I walked Emma, I packed up my laptop and walked to the local coffee and pastry shop. Most of the tables were occupied by people buying a cup of coffee and then sitting there for an hour conducting business or on their laptops. I was one of them! I have a funny feeling that in the near future that shop will yank out all of their electrical receptables because of the loiters to sit around for an hour or more and new customers have no place to sit and eat. Actually, it's a little rude in a way to hog the tables for such a long time; I think it is yet, I do it myself.
I'm listening to 88.1 jazz on my Bose! Great stuff! I highly recommend the Bose wave radio and cd player. Well, yes, for such a little thing it is quit expensive; we're talking $500., but well worth it. Your guests will have a rock'n good time; or you will just by yourself. I am swinging! Another nice thing about it is that it's little and if your visiting a friend and they don't have one..take it with you to their hood. You may insult their idea of listening equipment; but they'll get over it quick when they listen to yours! It's fabulous! Okay, one more plug..even your old crapping CD's that you are not too crazy about, will quicken your pulse baby! Okay, just one more plug for Bose. See, I thought I couldn't afford it either, but they have a 12 month pay program. Just watch it and make sure you get it paid off in twelve months (about 45. per mo. I'm doing six so it's about 90. per month) and it will be without interest.
My psychological reasoning behind the Bose purchase was, will if I'm happy at home then I won't go out so much and spend so much money.
But, I have another spending problem to substitute this one; I am a wood burning fool! Actually, burning this much wood costs me almost twice as much as my electric bell would without the heat of the fire. Actually, it's more for atmosphere than anything.
Too bad I can't lay near the fire with you-know-you! You know, I'm not that serious minded; I just want to have a good time! A little wine; a little loven! I thought tis was the season to party! I'm listening to Anne Lexnox now! "I can't get close to you..." what a dirty rotten shame!
Well, if M's had some good music maybe? I can't decide? I guess I could just take my sugar, music winded up self up there anywhere and terrorize all the dry sober people. I fee like partying, danc'n, kick'n em up! "I can't get next to you......."
Besides being extremely cold, my power went out this morning, so after I walked Emma, I packed up my laptop and walked to the local coffee and pastry shop. Most of the tables were occupied by people buying a cup of coffee and then sitting there for an hour conducting business or on their laptops. I was one of them! I have a funny feeling that in the near future that shop will yank out all of their electrical receptables because of the loiters to sit around for an hour or more and new customers have no place to sit and eat. Actually, it's a little rude in a way to hog the tables for such a long time; I think it is yet, I do it myself.
I'm listening to 88.1 jazz on my Bose! Great stuff! I highly recommend the Bose wave radio and cd player. Well, yes, for such a little thing it is quit expensive; we're talking $500., but well worth it. Your guests will have a rock'n good time; or you will just by yourself. I am swinging! Another nice thing about it is that it's little and if your visiting a friend and they don't have one..take it with you to their hood. You may insult their idea of listening equipment; but they'll get over it quick when they listen to yours! It's fabulous! Okay, one more plug..even your old crapping CD's that you are not too crazy about, will quicken your pulse baby! Okay, just one more plug for Bose. See, I thought I couldn't afford it either, but they have a 12 month pay program. Just watch it and make sure you get it paid off in twelve months (about 45. per mo. I'm doing six so it's about 90. per month) and it will be without interest.
My psychological reasoning behind the Bose purchase was, will if I'm happy at home then I won't go out so much and spend so much money.
But, I have another spending problem to substitute this one; I am a wood burning fool! Actually, burning this much wood costs me almost twice as much as my electric bell would without the heat of the fire. Actually, it's more for atmosphere than anything.
Too bad I can't lay near the fire with you-know-you! You know, I'm not that serious minded; I just want to have a good time! A little wine; a little loven! I thought tis was the season to party! I'm listening to Anne Lexnox now! "I can't get close to you..." what a dirty rotten shame!
Well, if M's had some good music maybe? I can't decide? I guess I could just take my sugar, music winded up self up there anywhere and terrorize all the dry sober people. I fee like partying, danc'n, kick'n em up! "I can't get next to you......."
Monday, December 19, 2005
I Love You!
Look into my eyes and tell me you don't love me!
Nah, don't bother, I know you don't. I think you only felt bad because you hurt me.
I need someone who is very loving and not afraid to love. I backed away when I sensed it was no longer happening with you. A part of my heart will always love you; but I think I have written enough BLOG enteries to get past this. Well, I'm getting very close anyway.
I know! It takes me a long time and many enteries. But, I'll know true love when I find it.
When it gets into the upper 30's maybe I'll go out at night and find out what out there. I hate the thought, but I'll do it. I live in a fantasy world and I know it. Most of my life has been spent dreaming; it's not very physical (not at all - the painful, empty part) but it is safe.
I am so free and subconsciously I am rejoicing and celebrating my well deserved freedom. I ditched the family, the whole lot of them. I don't have to answer to anyone. God, I must have been numb for the past 15 years.
Actually, I thought there were no feminine lesbians; I was depressed and disheartened. I was numb, I merely existed. Don't get me wrong, my ex is good people and we did have good happy times; only without passionate sex. We just didn't match that way. I hope she is happier now; she has a girlfriend out of state.
I want to passionately love someone; but, someone who can love me back just as passionately. She will have to move me. Hopefully, there is someone out there like that because I need to feel the passion and give with affection.
I just finished watching the second half of "Fingersmith" on LOGO, a movie based on the novel by Sara Waters who also wrote "Tipping the Velvet." The movie was fabulous with edge of the seat suspense. I was so afraid that they weren't going to end up together. You know, in movies of the past, brought to you by MEN, they wouldn't have. The lesbians would have ended up with men. How depressed was I?
You know I should be estactic that cable and society has advanced in acceptance. You know, my situation, is not unique; many homosexuals have and still have many difficulties that they experience with narrow minded bigoted idiots who are probably latent homosexuals themselves only don't have the guts to face the truth.
I was raised catholic and god what a horrible experience that was. Between the church, traditional sexual/gendar rolls, and society as a whole it's a wonder I didn't end it all back in the 80's when I seriously thought about it. Yes, I wanted god to take me. Even today there are days when I think I would like to end this life and get started on the next; because in my next life I am not putting up with this fucking bullshit.
In my next life I will choose tender loving and compassionate parents who love each other and are intelligent with doctorate degrees. My mother will adore me (so will my dad. My own dad ignored me except to harrass, abuse, and belittle me, or beat my dog to death and make me watch (I thought I was next in line).
I yearned to be loved. This is the first time I am getting to the point where I admit that. In the past, I would never admit to need of any kind; and like my summer love, I strived with pride on doing everything myself. I needed no one! My life was painful! I secretly loved women and dated and screwed men. I ate them up and spit them out. I didn't love them, so what difference did it make. I couldn't have what I wanted, so why should you have what you want.
Actually, that is not the way is really was, but close. My whole life was a mistake and a lie. I was never true to myself, never!
I loved in constant heart ache and pain. I have watched too many women that I was in love with walk away with her boyfriends and know that I could never have them intimately; never make love to them. Social abuse such as I experience needs personal retribution. Where's my fucking million bucks? Hell, the church, the government, the media, the publishers, and every man on earth owes me.
No wonder I hate men! They must preach, rule, dominate and control everything, between men, social norms and my mother, no wonder I wanted to end it all. No wonder I do not speak to my family and don't care if I ever do again.
From a very young age, I got the message that I better not expect anything from my family. Never have I asked for anything. When I was 18 I worked and paid for my own car. When I was 21 I moved out. I should have moved further away, but there was that psychological, catholic guilt hold. My mother wanted to keep me down at her level. She wanted to keep me around to take care of her every need. After fifty painful years, I finally caught on. I'm out of here emotionally, mentally, and physically. She has two other children and they can do it. They are just like you anyway so you can be one big happy hypocritical family.
Well, I'm done for now. I want to read a little then go to bed. The fire has burned down in the fireplace and I am becoming a little chilled. Emma is down for the count and I'm getting very sleepy myself.
I'll dream about love tonight. At times, I wish that I was heartless and cold; I think life who be so much easier. Maybe it isn't love I feel, maybe its' yearning for love.
God and spirit guides thank you for all of my many blessings. I am truly thankful for my good health, safe and pain free life. I know that I am extremely blessed inspite of my loveless life! I do have good friends and I love myself so I really have nothing to complain about. And I had a wonderful summer love who was beautiful and adorable. So, I have truly no complaints.
My spirit guides have taken care of me where it counts. I know they have a plan for me and a change is coming soon, I can feel it. I know something exciting is about to happen and I'll have wonderful love.
Thoughts, I have haunt me. I only hope to god, that I didn't push her away. I hate the thought of hurting her and I know that is why I hurt so much now. She, my summer love, deserves so much love and there is so much here in my heart for her. Please god, you have to love her for me, she won't look to me, much less talk to me. Once more, she is truly out of my life now, I know I'll never see her again. She won't come around and if she does I won't be there. It's the way she wants it. Love 'em and leave them crying, it's the way I used to be with men. They didn't matter to me!
So, please god love her and take care of her and please I don't want her to hate me! If she needs my love; it is here waiting for her - I want her to know that! I just don't want her to hurt; she has had enough hurt for one lifetime; more than enough! Please love her for me? See, that is what holds me to her! The pain cements us together.
Enough already, send me some love!
Nah, don't bother, I know you don't. I think you only felt bad because you hurt me.
I need someone who is very loving and not afraid to love. I backed away when I sensed it was no longer happening with you. A part of my heart will always love you; but I think I have written enough BLOG enteries to get past this. Well, I'm getting very close anyway.
I know! It takes me a long time and many enteries. But, I'll know true love when I find it.
When it gets into the upper 30's maybe I'll go out at night and find out what out there. I hate the thought, but I'll do it. I live in a fantasy world and I know it. Most of my life has been spent dreaming; it's not very physical (not at all - the painful, empty part) but it is safe.
I am so free and subconsciously I am rejoicing and celebrating my well deserved freedom. I ditched the family, the whole lot of them. I don't have to answer to anyone. God, I must have been numb for the past 15 years.
Actually, I thought there were no feminine lesbians; I was depressed and disheartened. I was numb, I merely existed. Don't get me wrong, my ex is good people and we did have good happy times; only without passionate sex. We just didn't match that way. I hope she is happier now; she has a girlfriend out of state.
I want to passionately love someone; but, someone who can love me back just as passionately. She will have to move me. Hopefully, there is someone out there like that because I need to feel the passion and give with affection.
I just finished watching the second half of "Fingersmith" on LOGO, a movie based on the novel by Sara Waters who also wrote "Tipping the Velvet." The movie was fabulous with edge of the seat suspense. I was so afraid that they weren't going to end up together. You know, in movies of the past, brought to you by MEN, they wouldn't have. The lesbians would have ended up with men. How depressed was I?
You know I should be estactic that cable and society has advanced in acceptance. You know, my situation, is not unique; many homosexuals have and still have many difficulties that they experience with narrow minded bigoted idiots who are probably latent homosexuals themselves only don't have the guts to face the truth.
I was raised catholic and god what a horrible experience that was. Between the church, traditional sexual/gendar rolls, and society as a whole it's a wonder I didn't end it all back in the 80's when I seriously thought about it. Yes, I wanted god to take me. Even today there are days when I think I would like to end this life and get started on the next; because in my next life I am not putting up with this fucking bullshit.
In my next life I will choose tender loving and compassionate parents who love each other and are intelligent with doctorate degrees. My mother will adore me (so will my dad. My own dad ignored me except to harrass, abuse, and belittle me, or beat my dog to death and make me watch (I thought I was next in line).
I yearned to be loved. This is the first time I am getting to the point where I admit that. In the past, I would never admit to need of any kind; and like my summer love, I strived with pride on doing everything myself. I needed no one! My life was painful! I secretly loved women and dated and screwed men. I ate them up and spit them out. I didn't love them, so what difference did it make. I couldn't have what I wanted, so why should you have what you want.
Actually, that is not the way is really was, but close. My whole life was a mistake and a lie. I was never true to myself, never!
I loved in constant heart ache and pain. I have watched too many women that I was in love with walk away with her boyfriends and know that I could never have them intimately; never make love to them. Social abuse such as I experience needs personal retribution. Where's my fucking million bucks? Hell, the church, the government, the media, the publishers, and every man on earth owes me.
No wonder I hate men! They must preach, rule, dominate and control everything, between men, social norms and my mother, no wonder I wanted to end it all. No wonder I do not speak to my family and don't care if I ever do again.
From a very young age, I got the message that I better not expect anything from my family. Never have I asked for anything. When I was 18 I worked and paid for my own car. When I was 21 I moved out. I should have moved further away, but there was that psychological, catholic guilt hold. My mother wanted to keep me down at her level. She wanted to keep me around to take care of her every need. After fifty painful years, I finally caught on. I'm out of here emotionally, mentally, and physically. She has two other children and they can do it. They are just like you anyway so you can be one big happy hypocritical family.
Well, I'm done for now. I want to read a little then go to bed. The fire has burned down in the fireplace and I am becoming a little chilled. Emma is down for the count and I'm getting very sleepy myself.
I'll dream about love tonight. At times, I wish that I was heartless and cold; I think life who be so much easier. Maybe it isn't love I feel, maybe its' yearning for love.
God and spirit guides thank you for all of my many blessings. I am truly thankful for my good health, safe and pain free life. I know that I am extremely blessed inspite of my loveless life! I do have good friends and I love myself so I really have nothing to complain about. And I had a wonderful summer love who was beautiful and adorable. So, I have truly no complaints.
My spirit guides have taken care of me where it counts. I know they have a plan for me and a change is coming soon, I can feel it. I know something exciting is about to happen and I'll have wonderful love.
Thoughts, I have haunt me. I only hope to god, that I didn't push her away. I hate the thought of hurting her and I know that is why I hurt so much now. She, my summer love, deserves so much love and there is so much here in my heart for her. Please god, you have to love her for me, she won't look to me, much less talk to me. Once more, she is truly out of my life now, I know I'll never see her again. She won't come around and if she does I won't be there. It's the way she wants it. Love 'em and leave them crying, it's the way I used to be with men. They didn't matter to me!
So, please god love her and take care of her and please I don't want her to hate me! If she needs my love; it is here waiting for her - I want her to know that! I just don't want her to hurt; she has had enough hurt for one lifetime; more than enough! Please love her for me? See, that is what holds me to her! The pain cements us together.
Enough already, send me some love!
Today
The sun is shinning brightly, but the wind, from the North, is very cold and bone chilling. Still, I have the urge to break out into a run; to work my heart, my legs, my body in an effort to heal my heart!
I have no desire to be around the friends we made together; it reminds me of her and it hurts! She doesn't come around and has a new love; yet, I look for her amongst those friends; I long to see her but know I never will.
I long to have a love in my life; someone who drives my heart wild with desire and passion. Someone feminine and warm, loving and caring. I feel in my heart that soon it will happen. The sun is shinning brightly through my patio door it warms my heart and lends it hope.
I trust in my spirit guides, I trust in god and the universe; but most of all I trust in my heart. I know I have a lot to give, also a lot I need to receive. Love will happen.
And to the one I loved last summer and still love, there will always be a place for you there, in my heart. I don't just have this image of you in my head; I know you better than what you may think; and I love what I see. I admire and sometimes envy you. No one ever changed your heart. You had to be strong and you were. I love you for that! You always knew what you wanted; what you expected from life and people. Maybe nothing? I read somewhere, where you don't get people; sometimes I don't either. But, I get you and I love you. I saw so much in your eyes; more than you'll ever know. I saw things that first night when we sat together. I saw it all! I knew so much before you ever told me; you had my heart already than; even before than, when I first saw you, when we met. You know why - it was ME I was looking at. I saw my PAIN in your eyes. How you captured my heart! It's hard for you to give yourself totally, I wanted you to love me and yet, I walked out of you. Well, I left because I knew the end was coming, or I thought it was coming. I pushed you away and I regret it and I'm sorry now that I did.
Recently, when I was pacing up my "tin", you stood in the shadows watching me; why, you have to tell me why? Do you feel bad? Confused? Do you hate me? Do you love me?
Why can't we talk to one another; we can barely look at one another. All my hope is gone; I have no party, no special event to look forward to knowing I'll see you then. God, my heart hurts. I miss you, terribly! I heart aches to hold you close to me, remember how I had to hold you close. Secretly, then, I wanted to heal your heart, you see I knew. I knew it all before you even told me.
No more Oscar performances for me. I did it for you; I know you don't want me any longer. I guess she'll better for you - some how.
God, the universe, the spirit world, us, what we do to ourselves. The spirit world is not good on "time", doesn't know "gender", and certainly doesn't know "age" like us humans do. The universe put us together to love and help heal one another. I humanized it with MY issues. I should have not done that; and that is my regret. You were always very kind to me; I was not so kind to myself.
My heart did not desert you; that was always a big concern to me. Although, I know I can't and could never, I somehow wanted to help heal your heart. I wanted to right all the wrongs, because I love you so. I think I just messed things up more.
I'm so messed up, see I can't really say for certain if I'm hurting for you or hurting for me. I once heard, we cannot love anyone any more than as much as we love ourselves. I must really love myself; I'm so in love with you. Remember, I'm here for you 24/7. Try not to hate me!
I have no desire to be around the friends we made together; it reminds me of her and it hurts! She doesn't come around and has a new love; yet, I look for her amongst those friends; I long to see her but know I never will.
I long to have a love in my life; someone who drives my heart wild with desire and passion. Someone feminine and warm, loving and caring. I feel in my heart that soon it will happen. The sun is shinning brightly through my patio door it warms my heart and lends it hope.
I trust in my spirit guides, I trust in god and the universe; but most of all I trust in my heart. I know I have a lot to give, also a lot I need to receive. Love will happen.
And to the one I loved last summer and still love, there will always be a place for you there, in my heart. I don't just have this image of you in my head; I know you better than what you may think; and I love what I see. I admire and sometimes envy you. No one ever changed your heart. You had to be strong and you were. I love you for that! You always knew what you wanted; what you expected from life and people. Maybe nothing? I read somewhere, where you don't get people; sometimes I don't either. But, I get you and I love you. I saw so much in your eyes; more than you'll ever know. I saw things that first night when we sat together. I saw it all! I knew so much before you ever told me; you had my heart already than; even before than, when I first saw you, when we met. You know why - it was ME I was looking at. I saw my PAIN in your eyes. How you captured my heart! It's hard for you to give yourself totally, I wanted you to love me and yet, I walked out of you. Well, I left because I knew the end was coming, or I thought it was coming. I pushed you away and I regret it and I'm sorry now that I did.
Recently, when I was pacing up my "tin", you stood in the shadows watching me; why, you have to tell me why? Do you feel bad? Confused? Do you hate me? Do you love me?
Why can't we talk to one another; we can barely look at one another. All my hope is gone; I have no party, no special event to look forward to knowing I'll see you then. God, my heart hurts. I miss you, terribly! I heart aches to hold you close to me, remember how I had to hold you close. Secretly, then, I wanted to heal your heart, you see I knew. I knew it all before you even told me.
No more Oscar performances for me. I did it for you; I know you don't want me any longer. I guess she'll better for you - some how.
God, the universe, the spirit world, us, what we do to ourselves. The spirit world is not good on "time", doesn't know "gender", and certainly doesn't know "age" like us humans do. The universe put us together to love and help heal one another. I humanized it with MY issues. I should have not done that; and that is my regret. You were always very kind to me; I was not so kind to myself.
My heart did not desert you; that was always a big concern to me. Although, I know I can't and could never, I somehow wanted to help heal your heart. I wanted to right all the wrongs, because I love you so. I think I just messed things up more.
I'm so messed up, see I can't really say for certain if I'm hurting for you or hurting for me. I once heard, we cannot love anyone any more than as much as we love ourselves. I must really love myself; I'm so in love with you. Remember, I'm here for you 24/7. Try not to hate me!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Matters of the Heart
Before I forget I want to make a note to watch "Fingersmith" at 9 Central, this evening on LOGO. Its a story of two women; need I say more. The previews alone drive me wild. It is set in 1800's England. In the preview scene there are two women in long dresses, one hiking up the long skirt of the other as she gently pushing her onto the bed. Whew!
My ex came to visit today; just stopped by and was a little sad with the up and coming holidays. In years past, when she was sad or unhappy, I always felt bad and even today I'm feeling a little guilty and a little responsible just as in the past. Maybe that is the look my summer love was sporting near the end, when it was over. I don't know; I certainly, hope not!
Anyway, my ex came to visit for awhile; she was out walking and stopped by to walk Emma, so the three of us went for a walk. I was glad to see her get out to walk; she needs to get healthy. She wouldn't need blood pressure medicine if she got her act together. Oh, sounds like I could be lecturing. I had not preached for years and so I didn't today either; she knows what she needs to do to stay healthy. She is feeling rather depressed this Christmas season; she always did during the fifteen years we were together. And just as I was with my mother; if she was unhappy or sad I always felt responsible or guilty. For some reason their happiness had priority over my happiness. I guess as a kid I began programmed that way!
I left the whole family, my old life and I moved to another state. I had to get out and find love; the void in my heart was consuming my very existence. I hurt people along the way by doing that. I hurt my ex; even though our relationship was platonic and I know she was unhappy; I pulled the rug out from under her. After she moved, one day she had to abandon her grocery cart and leave the store because she began to cry. When she told me this I felt very bad; but my heart had to be free to love. In my heart I truly felt that someone out there, really needed my love; all the love that I had to offer. But, maybe that someone out there, was really me. Maybe it's me searching to be unconditionally loved; maybe it's me who needs to be unconditionally loved.
I need to free my heart. I don't know what I need?
And now I'm feeling a little suspicious! Why did my ex say "she'll stay as long as she wants at her relatives then leave." She has brought this topic up several times; so of course, my defense mechanisms are turned on to "alert" mode. I don't trust anyone at this point. Is there a set up in store; a confrontation? Please God just make my family go away! I need my life! I need my love to turn me around. I need your help!
I was wonderfully in love this past summer. My heart was full and happy with her! Hey you! No wonder I cherish the time we had together. I think you are precious; I hope you didn't feel bad toward the end of what we had. I think you are adorable, don't ever feel bad! It was so wonderful to love you; an honor and a privilege! And, NO I'm not out of my mind! I will always love you!
You know if the universe is truly up to snuff, I will soon love again with the same intensitive; will not the same, but it will be closely different? I have too big a heart to just have all these warm loving feelings just float about in the air, above our heads. I want to hold someone close to my heart and kiss her her head, her face..you get the idea. I think it is possible to love with intensivity yet still keep a lovely physical distance in order to keep the sparks alive and flying. So, we miss each other and can't wait to see each other. We will have our time for ourselves just to be alone together; to lie together and love each other. Maybe we'll just see each other ocassionally. I guess I"ll wonder about that detail later; first I have to win her heart.
Love is a wonderful thing! There is nothing like I would do anything for you love! Someone who takes your breath away. And they mean so much to you, that you can't speak.
I already have my eye on someone; she is loving and kind with wonderfully talented hands. She's alone I know. I don't know where her heart is; I don't even know what side of the fense she lives on, but I have an idea. At first I wasn't aware that she saw the rainbow sticker in my wallet; but I know that she did. So, she knows what team I'm playing on. I can tell and I sense certain things about people; I'm intuitive you know. I think she would be very affectionate in her love making.
I'm not only writing, I'm watching an English movie on LOGO "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit." And this young girl, about thirteen, just met another young girl and there was an instant attraction. Watching this makes me very sad, I missed out on so much. I didn't come out until I was 40 and then I went into long mostly platonic relationship for many years. A relationship with someone somewhat like my mother; says the therapist. God, how sad is that? Don't get me wrong I don't want to demean the long term relationship that I had, it was meaningful and offered security; we just didn't have the passion.
God, how I want to die and come back a Lesbian in today's world where society is more accepting. In my next life I will be born to a beautiful, loving, affectionate mother. She will nurture and support me. She will hold me and love me! She will encourage me to be to be my own person and to get the most education possible. She will love me for who I am and give me the loving support I will need to go out into the world to explore. I will be a loving lesbian tottally out with extreme self-esteem and I will embrace life, and a special woman and love her with all my heart. Love is a wonderful thing and we shouldn't have to live without it.
Now at this time in my life, I think relationships should have lots of passionate sex. Love and sex should be high priority. If the love and sex is good, I can look beyond just about anything. Love is the tie that binds us!
Note: Per a LOGO survey 1 in 16 are gay in England. So, that is the survey, in actuality the ratio is probably higher.
I'm beginning to make sense of it all love! I put a lot on you; I realize that now! You were the first love where I got to express my love. I am not only mourning the lost of you love; but the lost of all past loves that I NEVER got to express sexually. They were all wrapped up in you. All those past unexpresses loves were bundled up inside my heart. I understand my feelings better now. I can let it go and move on now! In a way, you were my first real love and I will always love you.
My ex came to visit today; just stopped by and was a little sad with the up and coming holidays. In years past, when she was sad or unhappy, I always felt bad and even today I'm feeling a little guilty and a little responsible just as in the past. Maybe that is the look my summer love was sporting near the end, when it was over. I don't know; I certainly, hope not!
Anyway, my ex came to visit for awhile; she was out walking and stopped by to walk Emma, so the three of us went for a walk. I was glad to see her get out to walk; she needs to get healthy. She wouldn't need blood pressure medicine if she got her act together. Oh, sounds like I could be lecturing. I had not preached for years and so I didn't today either; she knows what she needs to do to stay healthy. She is feeling rather depressed this Christmas season; she always did during the fifteen years we were together. And just as I was with my mother; if she was unhappy or sad I always felt responsible or guilty. For some reason their happiness had priority over my happiness. I guess as a kid I began programmed that way!
I left the whole family, my old life and I moved to another state. I had to get out and find love; the void in my heart was consuming my very existence. I hurt people along the way by doing that. I hurt my ex; even though our relationship was platonic and I know she was unhappy; I pulled the rug out from under her. After she moved, one day she had to abandon her grocery cart and leave the store because she began to cry. When she told me this I felt very bad; but my heart had to be free to love. In my heart I truly felt that someone out there, really needed my love; all the love that I had to offer. But, maybe that someone out there, was really me. Maybe it's me searching to be unconditionally loved; maybe it's me who needs to be unconditionally loved.
I need to free my heart. I don't know what I need?
And now I'm feeling a little suspicious! Why did my ex say "she'll stay as long as she wants at her relatives then leave." She has brought this topic up several times; so of course, my defense mechanisms are turned on to "alert" mode. I don't trust anyone at this point. Is there a set up in store; a confrontation? Please God just make my family go away! I need my life! I need my love to turn me around. I need your help!
I was wonderfully in love this past summer. My heart was full and happy with her! Hey you! No wonder I cherish the time we had together. I think you are precious; I hope you didn't feel bad toward the end of what we had. I think you are adorable, don't ever feel bad! It was so wonderful to love you; an honor and a privilege! And, NO I'm not out of my mind! I will always love you!
You know if the universe is truly up to snuff, I will soon love again with the same intensitive; will not the same, but it will be closely different? I have too big a heart to just have all these warm loving feelings just float about in the air, above our heads. I want to hold someone close to my heart and kiss her her head, her face..you get the idea. I think it is possible to love with intensivity yet still keep a lovely physical distance in order to keep the sparks alive and flying. So, we miss each other and can't wait to see each other. We will have our time for ourselves just to be alone together; to lie together and love each other. Maybe we'll just see each other ocassionally. I guess I"ll wonder about that detail later; first I have to win her heart.
Love is a wonderful thing! There is nothing like I would do anything for you love! Someone who takes your breath away. And they mean so much to you, that you can't speak.
I already have my eye on someone; she is loving and kind with wonderfully talented hands. She's alone I know. I don't know where her heart is; I don't even know what side of the fense she lives on, but I have an idea. At first I wasn't aware that she saw the rainbow sticker in my wallet; but I know that she did. So, she knows what team I'm playing on. I can tell and I sense certain things about people; I'm intuitive you know. I think she would be very affectionate in her love making.
I'm not only writing, I'm watching an English movie on LOGO "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit." And this young girl, about thirteen, just met another young girl and there was an instant attraction. Watching this makes me very sad, I missed out on so much. I didn't come out until I was 40 and then I went into long mostly platonic relationship for many years. A relationship with someone somewhat like my mother; says the therapist. God, how sad is that? Don't get me wrong I don't want to demean the long term relationship that I had, it was meaningful and offered security; we just didn't have the passion.
God, how I want to die and come back a Lesbian in today's world where society is more accepting. In my next life I will be born to a beautiful, loving, affectionate mother. She will nurture and support me. She will hold me and love me! She will encourage me to be to be my own person and to get the most education possible. She will love me for who I am and give me the loving support I will need to go out into the world to explore. I will be a loving lesbian tottally out with extreme self-esteem and I will embrace life, and a special woman and love her with all my heart. Love is a wonderful thing and we shouldn't have to live without it.
Now at this time in my life, I think relationships should have lots of passionate sex. Love and sex should be high priority. If the love and sex is good, I can look beyond just about anything. Love is the tie that binds us!
Note: Per a LOGO survey 1 in 16 are gay in England. So, that is the survey, in actuality the ratio is probably higher.
I'm beginning to make sense of it all love! I put a lot on you; I realize that now! You were the first love where I got to express my love. I am not only mourning the lost of you love; but the lost of all past loves that I NEVER got to express sexually. They were all wrapped up in you. All those past unexpresses loves were bundled up inside my heart. I understand my feelings better now. I can let it go and move on now! In a way, you were my first real love and I will always love you.
I don't Get People!
Well, sometimes, I don't get people! Sometimes I don't get myself! Sometimes I don't understand why I fall in love or why I fall so suddenly, deeply, and for such a long time. But, I know that I love you; there was just something about you!
Well, by now you are well on your way to a long, lasting relationship. You are probably getting a lot of love and feeling very comfortable and you won't be alone for the holidays.
That was quite a performance I put on the other night; I did good didn't I? I deserve an Oscar! I wanted so to talk to you; even the time before when I saw you. I am just so afraid of pushing you further away. I was shaking and my heart was hurting. I cried when I got home. I had to do it to myself to see you with her to make it final; for it to sink in! I guess I have to hurt real bad before I get the message; otherwise I carry around hope within me. God, it hurts like hell. I know, sometimes loving means letting go, but it still hurts.
Don't feel bad, I'm tough. I just wanted you know that you are very lovable. I think you have love in your heart too; I know you feel love. I know you loved me.
I'm doing okay! I'm staying in a lot; however, I don't really feel like being around people much right now. Everybody and everything reminds me of you. Everywhere I go, I look for you. Yes, it is painful. And yes, I'll go on and love again; but right now that is hard to imagine. I will love again, I have to, I have too much love in my heart. I need to touch another and hold another heart close to mine.
But, in time, I'll get back out there. I'm a lot like you sweetheart; I just may start all over again somewhere else with a whole new batch of friends. I won't mix my love interest with my friends. Damn, I want you back in my life, if only to see each other once in a while; just the two of us? No relationships! I want to make love to you.
I can dream! In time I'll be fine. I thought you were brought into my life for a reason! I remember the first day I saw you. I loved you immediately; one look into your eyes and I saw your heart. I did learn a few things from you; good things. I love the way you are - independent. But, you know, you are not too independent to not need to love and be loved - I mean for real. I run from a loving relationship because it means so much to me, I can't find the words, to talk about what is in my heart; so I just separate. I have so many regrets; I blame myself. I pushed you away. I'm sorry I hurt you; I'm sorry I messed up what we had. I wish I could hold you.
I think you dislike me and that hurts. God, that hurts. You shared things with me that touched my heart deeply. I told you and I meant it; I will always love unconditionally; please believe that! Always know I am always here for you; you can count on me!
I'm not lonely, I just have a lot of love to give; and of course, I loved to be loved too. I wish you could tell me what really went on with us. I know that at times they were painful, but I cherish the moments when you shared things about yourself with me. It made me want to love and comfort you. You know, that's not a bad thing. I always thought that was why we crossed paths; to love and comfort each other. It didn't have to be all or nothing at all, did it? We shared so many good things too. It seems a shame to just throw it all away.
But, I think that is how you love; full force, giving it all you got and then..nothing. That method seems hurtful to everyone involved. I think that you are a wonderful person, a real success, brilliant, loving and kind. Yes, you are the image I have of you in my head. I'm intuitive you know, I think I realized some things before you even told me.
Just know I care about you; I can't help it. I keep waiting for my feelings to fad, so far they haven't. I feel and felt a part of you; our hearts and souls touched, I just can't deny that. You are always going to be a part of me. No matter what happens you will always be a part of my heart. I saw all the sides of you from the giggly child within you, the injured one, and the stubborn one. I love them all, don't you know? I understand you, more than you know. I want to love you. Do you know you were my first real passionate love; I will always treasure what we had!
Take care of yourself! Be happy! Feel loved, because you are loved! Sorry, this is my way of working through this. I just have to blog.
Well, by now you are well on your way to a long, lasting relationship. You are probably getting a lot of love and feeling very comfortable and you won't be alone for the holidays.
That was quite a performance I put on the other night; I did good didn't I? I deserve an Oscar! I wanted so to talk to you; even the time before when I saw you. I am just so afraid of pushing you further away. I was shaking and my heart was hurting. I cried when I got home. I had to do it to myself to see you with her to make it final; for it to sink in! I guess I have to hurt real bad before I get the message; otherwise I carry around hope within me. God, it hurts like hell. I know, sometimes loving means letting go, but it still hurts.
Don't feel bad, I'm tough. I just wanted you know that you are very lovable. I think you have love in your heart too; I know you feel love. I know you loved me.
I'm doing okay! I'm staying in a lot; however, I don't really feel like being around people much right now. Everybody and everything reminds me of you. Everywhere I go, I look for you. Yes, it is painful. And yes, I'll go on and love again; but right now that is hard to imagine. I will love again, I have to, I have too much love in my heart. I need to touch another and hold another heart close to mine.
But, in time, I'll get back out there. I'm a lot like you sweetheart; I just may start all over again somewhere else with a whole new batch of friends. I won't mix my love interest with my friends. Damn, I want you back in my life, if only to see each other once in a while; just the two of us? No relationships! I want to make love to you.
I can dream! In time I'll be fine. I thought you were brought into my life for a reason! I remember the first day I saw you. I loved you immediately; one look into your eyes and I saw your heart. I did learn a few things from you; good things. I love the way you are - independent. But, you know, you are not too independent to not need to love and be loved - I mean for real. I run from a loving relationship because it means so much to me, I can't find the words, to talk about what is in my heart; so I just separate. I have so many regrets; I blame myself. I pushed you away. I'm sorry I hurt you; I'm sorry I messed up what we had. I wish I could hold you.
I think you dislike me and that hurts. God, that hurts. You shared things with me that touched my heart deeply. I told you and I meant it; I will always love unconditionally; please believe that! Always know I am always here for you; you can count on me!
I'm not lonely, I just have a lot of love to give; and of course, I loved to be loved too. I wish you could tell me what really went on with us. I know that at times they were painful, but I cherish the moments when you shared things about yourself with me. It made me want to love and comfort you. You know, that's not a bad thing. I always thought that was why we crossed paths; to love and comfort each other. It didn't have to be all or nothing at all, did it? We shared so many good things too. It seems a shame to just throw it all away.
But, I think that is how you love; full force, giving it all you got and then..nothing. That method seems hurtful to everyone involved. I think that you are a wonderful person, a real success, brilliant, loving and kind. Yes, you are the image I have of you in my head. I'm intuitive you know, I think I realized some things before you even told me.
Just know I care about you; I can't help it. I keep waiting for my feelings to fad, so far they haven't. I feel and felt a part of you; our hearts and souls touched, I just can't deny that. You are always going to be a part of me. No matter what happens you will always be a part of my heart. I saw all the sides of you from the giggly child within you, the injured one, and the stubborn one. I love them all, don't you know? I understand you, more than you know. I want to love you. Do you know you were my first real passionate love; I will always treasure what we had!
Take care of yourself! Be happy! Feel loved, because you are loved! Sorry, this is my way of working through this. I just have to blog.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
George Carlin
I love George Carline (HBO Comedy) because he tells it like it is! He says: Religion - bull shit! Government - bull shit! In both cases men are liers and may it all up to their benefit and they never have enough money. He is straight and to the point and does not worry about being diplomatic or polite. He only has an hour to tell it like it is. He is very intelligent and I agree with his philosophies! He does waste words and tells it like it is. If you get a chance watch or record it. He said human beings are the only species who kill her own for personal gain. The man is a genius and knows how to tell it like it is!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I Was Just Thinking About You!
I'm doing well today, thank you! I'm sipping decaf enjoying the after taste of the Portobello Mushroom Garlic Bisque, with Croissant. Anyway, suddenly I thought about you. Yes, I'm sitting at one of those high tables near the entrance, watching pretty girls go in and out. So far, you got them all beat!
You were and still are difficult to love; but I do immensely. Weird of me, I know! Frankly, I love little spitfires, and one you are! In retrospect, what I love about you most is your classiness. Yes! You listened, didn't interrupt and spoke brilliantly. I am useless noise compared to your brilliant articulate words; and I believe under pressure, meeting with strangers, you excel and come across as bright, articulate and classy. I don't care if you dsspise me, it's what I think of you. You are a self made successful woman, you should be very proud of yourself. I have told you this, I know.
Y0u are adorable in that you never corrected my speak or my grammar. I am tring to better myself; believe me! My ex always corrected me so much, that I never cared to speak when we were with friends. She corrected me and talked over me and cut me off. Yes, abusively! Sometimes worse than my mother ever was when I was young. I'm not complaining; I don't believe in complaining, I believe in resolving the problem and sometimes that means removing yourself from the situation. I am so glad I made the more, you were the icing on the cake. You were a gift from god; okay, the universe! See, and you think you don't help people; or do not make a difference! I think you are wonderful!
Funny, how I forget the bad and concentrate on remembering the positive! And I think that is why my long term relationship ex and I remain friends. Even though we didn't get along, I think we respect each other now. I trust her and I can call her if for ever something serious came along and I need to. Too bad you and I do not have a relationship like that; well think about it. I know you don't like me very much right now. I think once you are done with someone, you are truly finished with them; I wish it wasn't that way! Because, I am stable and could be a source of consistency in your life. I care and I am trust worry! If someday you feel differently, keep me in mind; I have your best interest at heart. Truly I do!
I'm not going anywhere! You see, I don't do relationships either so it seems, I pulled away too, maybe first! Remember!
It seems I can't get along too well with women my age. Sorry, to say that; well, if they are very active I can; then I have something in common. Beyond the runners and the people who are younger than myself it's just not good out here. So, I'm happy alone, I guess I better be! You were good for me, as short lived as it was ( I won't call it a relationship, we don't do them). Actually, you taught me a lot. You are quit amazing! You taught me, along with my therapist, that abuse is not to be tolerated, no excuses.
Well, back to my soup and writing..I'll be heading home soon. I have yoga this evening and I am so looking forward to it. I love it! My body is firm. I look damn good for my age! Damn, I'm cute! I'm letting my hair grow too! I'm so damn cute, that I am very picky when it comes to women; very picky! I will NOT settle; I'd rather be alone.
Happy trails!
It is 10:00 PM now. I had a great yoga class; I talked to three different people; that is good for me. I'm beginning to know the women. I really like the instructor, she touched me again this week, my back, my neck, my hand and then she patted my hand. Hey, I need this! I'm not getting any human contact as of late! God, and I miss human touch. I wonder if she senses this; she may be very intuitive and spiritual.
I have come to find out too, that I am not the only one that will be alone and by passing the holiday (as someone referred to it). She was bypassing it; I let her know I was too! I have another friend who is not doing family either. So, I am feeling pretty good about it! I don't miss any of them. I am feely strong and sound. Frankly, this year I will not even get the phone call invitation; I know I won't and I'm glad! I just do not want to deal with them, at all!
You know it doesn't even bother me; it's just a holiday; overrated at that! Christmas eve morning I will go to Frontrunners. They are my family! I wish you could be there too, I know you won't be! You know, have breakfast with us, sit next to me. It's no big deal, I won't expect you!
I hope you do okay; just know I care very much. You are very important to me. You don't have to even like me; it doesn't even matter. You know that I am use to one-way relationships; I have had hundreds of them!
I'm writing this and watching Women Doc's on the Discovery channel. I love that show; this particular surgical team is made up of all women; just fabulous. Just twenty or less years ago you wouldn't see all women teams. This is wonderful. Who knows, maybe in my next life!
I think in this life I am meant to relax from here on out! Let me tell you, in retrospect, looking back, the working years go fast! So, it is important to do all you can to land a good paying job with benefits (that is if you can still find a good paying job with benefits too.) Even if you are not particularly fond of the job; just tell yourself you love it! Sock a lot of money away; never, never live out of your means. Think twice before you buy something you really think you need; buy used Enterprise cars. Move and live close to work. I think too, if you can't come up with 20% down payment on a house or condo; don't worry about it - you will save money in interest, taxes, maybe condo fees, repairs! It probably all balances out. Never spend more than one weeks' wages on rent or house payment. Save, and invest in tax deferred funds that are very diversified; like the STAR account at Vanguard. Call them for advice; it would be worth it. Beware of front load funds or even back-load funds; I think they are called Class B? Vanguard agents are salaried and their fund are non-loaded! They have my vote!
Oh, and most important of all, remember you can't buy love; she should love you for your wonderful qualities alone; I know I do! I know you are subborn and must have your way; I love that about you!
You were and still are difficult to love; but I do immensely. Weird of me, I know! Frankly, I love little spitfires, and one you are! In retrospect, what I love about you most is your classiness. Yes! You listened, didn't interrupt and spoke brilliantly. I am useless noise compared to your brilliant articulate words; and I believe under pressure, meeting with strangers, you excel and come across as bright, articulate and classy. I don't care if you dsspise me, it's what I think of you. You are a self made successful woman, you should be very proud of yourself. I have told you this, I know.
Y0u are adorable in that you never corrected my speak or my grammar. I am tring to better myself; believe me! My ex always corrected me so much, that I never cared to speak when we were with friends. She corrected me and talked over me and cut me off. Yes, abusively! Sometimes worse than my mother ever was when I was young. I'm not complaining; I don't believe in complaining, I believe in resolving the problem and sometimes that means removing yourself from the situation. I am so glad I made the more, you were the icing on the cake. You were a gift from god; okay, the universe! See, and you think you don't help people; or do not make a difference! I think you are wonderful!
Funny, how I forget the bad and concentrate on remembering the positive! And I think that is why my long term relationship ex and I remain friends. Even though we didn't get along, I think we respect each other now. I trust her and I can call her if for ever something serious came along and I need to. Too bad you and I do not have a relationship like that; well think about it. I know you don't like me very much right now. I think once you are done with someone, you are truly finished with them; I wish it wasn't that way! Because, I am stable and could be a source of consistency in your life. I care and I am trust worry! If someday you feel differently, keep me in mind; I have your best interest at heart. Truly I do!
I'm not going anywhere! You see, I don't do relationships either so it seems, I pulled away too, maybe first! Remember!
It seems I can't get along too well with women my age. Sorry, to say that; well, if they are very active I can; then I have something in common. Beyond the runners and the people who are younger than myself it's just not good out here. So, I'm happy alone, I guess I better be! You were good for me, as short lived as it was ( I won't call it a relationship, we don't do them). Actually, you taught me a lot. You are quit amazing! You taught me, along with my therapist, that abuse is not to be tolerated, no excuses.
Well, back to my soup and writing..I'll be heading home soon. I have yoga this evening and I am so looking forward to it. I love it! My body is firm. I look damn good for my age! Damn, I'm cute! I'm letting my hair grow too! I'm so damn cute, that I am very picky when it comes to women; very picky! I will NOT settle; I'd rather be alone.
Happy trails!
It is 10:00 PM now. I had a great yoga class; I talked to three different people; that is good for me. I'm beginning to know the women. I really like the instructor, she touched me again this week, my back, my neck, my hand and then she patted my hand. Hey, I need this! I'm not getting any human contact as of late! God, and I miss human touch. I wonder if she senses this; she may be very intuitive and spiritual.
I have come to find out too, that I am not the only one that will be alone and by passing the holiday (as someone referred to it). She was bypassing it; I let her know I was too! I have another friend who is not doing family either. So, I am feeling pretty good about it! I don't miss any of them. I am feely strong and sound. Frankly, this year I will not even get the phone call invitation; I know I won't and I'm glad! I just do not want to deal with them, at all!
You know it doesn't even bother me; it's just a holiday; overrated at that! Christmas eve morning I will go to Frontrunners. They are my family! I wish you could be there too, I know you won't be! You know, have breakfast with us, sit next to me. It's no big deal, I won't expect you!
I hope you do okay; just know I care very much. You are very important to me. You don't have to even like me; it doesn't even matter. You know that I am use to one-way relationships; I have had hundreds of them!
I'm writing this and watching Women Doc's on the Discovery channel. I love that show; this particular surgical team is made up of all women; just fabulous. Just twenty or less years ago you wouldn't see all women teams. This is wonderful. Who knows, maybe in my next life!
I think in this life I am meant to relax from here on out! Let me tell you, in retrospect, looking back, the working years go fast! So, it is important to do all you can to land a good paying job with benefits (that is if you can still find a good paying job with benefits too.) Even if you are not particularly fond of the job; just tell yourself you love it! Sock a lot of money away; never, never live out of your means. Think twice before you buy something you really think you need; buy used Enterprise cars. Move and live close to work. I think too, if you can't come up with 20% down payment on a house or condo; don't worry about it - you will save money in interest, taxes, maybe condo fees, repairs! It probably all balances out. Never spend more than one weeks' wages on rent or house payment. Save, and invest in tax deferred funds that are very diversified; like the STAR account at Vanguard. Call them for advice; it would be worth it. Beware of front load funds or even back-load funds; I think they are called Class B? Vanguard agents are salaried and their fund are non-loaded! They have my vote!
Oh, and most important of all, remember you can't buy love; she should love you for your wonderful qualities alone; I know I do! I know you are subborn and must have your way; I love that about you!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I Missed You This Evening!
Hey, you weren't there! I missed you - so very much!
Oh actually, I'm fine. Great loves come few and far between, so I can't expect to fine another you just right away. I don't even know if I want one right now; however, I miss being touched and held. It seems like it has been a very long time and I feel so out of reach; out of touch.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm walking around in a daze; especially when I'm out and about socializing. I'm lost without you. Odd, isn't it, we weren't even together that long. I think it is because I loved you so much; still do! Even though I didn't act like it at times, you were perfect for me, probably just what the good doctor would have ordered.
Well, I'm content accept for the absence of physical human contact - just that! I'm not depressed because soon another will knock me off my feet. I feel it in the air; it blows my hair about. Yes, my hair is getting that long..and I won't touch it to cut it. The way it wants to curl in my neck, it will probably take a while before I get any length to it; I think the gelatin helps makes it healthy and shinny. Are you still taking it too?
Yes, change is in the air.. If you dump her and you get bored in between women, look me up! I'll probably be out running, at the Y, at yoga, or bicycling, or sipping coffee at the local stop while reading or journaling, but sooner or later I'll be back; so just keep trying.
In the mean time, take care of yourself and know that I will always love you!
Oh actually, I'm fine. Great loves come few and far between, so I can't expect to fine another you just right away. I don't even know if I want one right now; however, I miss being touched and held. It seems like it has been a very long time and I feel so out of reach; out of touch.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm walking around in a daze; especially when I'm out and about socializing. I'm lost without you. Odd, isn't it, we weren't even together that long. I think it is because I loved you so much; still do! Even though I didn't act like it at times, you were perfect for me, probably just what the good doctor would have ordered.
Well, I'm content accept for the absence of physical human contact - just that! I'm not depressed because soon another will knock me off my feet. I feel it in the air; it blows my hair about. Yes, my hair is getting that long..and I won't touch it to cut it. The way it wants to curl in my neck, it will probably take a while before I get any length to it; I think the gelatin helps makes it healthy and shinny. Are you still taking it too?
Yes, change is in the air.. If you dump her and you get bored in between women, look me up! I'll probably be out running, at the Y, at yoga, or bicycling, or sipping coffee at the local stop while reading or journaling, but sooner or later I'll be back; so just keep trying.
In the mean time, take care of yourself and know that I will always love you!
Monday, December 12, 2005
I think I know why now!
I think I can finally articulate my feelings; well I'll try. When I held you and you told me things - I felt so needed! I felt that I had a purpose! I never told you because I guess I just couldn't put my finger on it; what it was. All I know is that you filled my heart that first evening, in the shadows, with your head on my lap, when you told me things. I kissed your head and stroked your hair - I loved you. I loved you the moment I met you and looked in your eyes. I still love you and always will; don't you know that? I know you don't feel love - for me; it's okay! I pretty much have enough love for myself for both of us! You were just icy on the cake. No, you are a gift from god; a little bit of heaven - never forget that! I love your laugh, your giggle (at the cook-out; god you touched my heart. It over flowed with love). You were so beautifully happy. I would love to see you happy again...
From the moment I met you, I saw those things that hurt you in your eyes! I saw the pain! Don't you know how much you touched my heart? Even before you told me, I knew; so I wasn't surprised. I meant what I said that I would love you forever, unconditionally; just because you are you - don't you know?
As you go on with your life, in your heart just know that! It's important to me that you know that! I know that I see you in a way that you don't see yourself. I know! Remember you said: "I'm not what you have in your head."
You are a fine wonderful person just the way you are - you know that. You are brilliant and you know how to get your needs met. I admire you; you are truly a miracle. You didn't hurt me and you gave me more than you can ever imagine - purpose. It's a wonderful thing.
Just because I told you this - there is no need to feel any of the following: guilty, sorry, unable to help me, bad or pity. I'm a big girl! I've had a few bumps and knocks on the head along the way...
Just know that my heart beats a little faster whenever I see you; from the moment I met you and even now, my feelings have never faded; not one bit. I think that you are a remarkable person; a survivor. I love loving you.
You may see this; or you may not. If you do see this, you probably won't know what to do with it; don't do anything that is not in your heart. I am just compelled to tell you this; I'm not sure why. I should just let it go and not mention it. You might just think I'm a nut case! Maybe I better not post this. I just can't let it go that easily..all this love here for you.....somehow, I just think that is is worth just mentioning anyway! No action is required; this is merely an advertisement!
Now, trying to interpret your glances, I'm thinking you think that I am a threat to your happiness; I'm thinking that I am something you just want to go away..remember you told me: "I don't think that I can even be your friend."
It's okay..this holiday season..I hope is peaceful for you. I hope you have love there with you.
But, if you ever need someone to hold you lovingly just let me know. You won't be seeing me around much but, I'll be right here. Frankly, I hope to see more of you..but, I think you would rather I just went away....so I will.
I think I did very well the other night don't you? I'm been nominated for an Oscar! I surprised you didn't I? Damn I was good! Truth is, I was hurting - bad. No body knows that! No body really cares - or even asked; it goes unnoticed. Actually, I cried when I got home. Long runs help! But, that is what love does - and that's okay.
I have no business loving you like I do and I know that......
From the moment I met you, I saw those things that hurt you in your eyes! I saw the pain! Don't you know how much you touched my heart? Even before you told me, I knew; so I wasn't surprised. I meant what I said that I would love you forever, unconditionally; just because you are you - don't you know?
As you go on with your life, in your heart just know that! It's important to me that you know that! I know that I see you in a way that you don't see yourself. I know! Remember you said: "I'm not what you have in your head."
You are a fine wonderful person just the way you are - you know that. You are brilliant and you know how to get your needs met. I admire you; you are truly a miracle. You didn't hurt me and you gave me more than you can ever imagine - purpose. It's a wonderful thing.
Just because I told you this - there is no need to feel any of the following: guilty, sorry, unable to help me, bad or pity. I'm a big girl! I've had a few bumps and knocks on the head along the way...
Just know that my heart beats a little faster whenever I see you; from the moment I met you and even now, my feelings have never faded; not one bit. I think that you are a remarkable person; a survivor. I love loving you.
You may see this; or you may not. If you do see this, you probably won't know what to do with it; don't do anything that is not in your heart. I am just compelled to tell you this; I'm not sure why. I should just let it go and not mention it. You might just think I'm a nut case! Maybe I better not post this. I just can't let it go that easily..all this love here for you.....somehow, I just think that is is worth just mentioning anyway! No action is required; this is merely an advertisement!
Now, trying to interpret your glances, I'm thinking you think that I am a threat to your happiness; I'm thinking that I am something you just want to go away..remember you told me: "I don't think that I can even be your friend."
It's okay..this holiday season..I hope is peaceful for you. I hope you have love there with you.
But, if you ever need someone to hold you lovingly just let me know. You won't be seeing me around much but, I'll be right here. Frankly, I hope to see more of you..but, I think you would rather I just went away....so I will.
I think I did very well the other night don't you? I'm been nominated for an Oscar! I surprised you didn't I? Damn I was good! Truth is, I was hurting - bad. No body knows that! No body really cares - or even asked; it goes unnoticed. Actually, I cried when I got home. Long runs help! But, that is what love does - and that's okay.
I have no business loving you like I do and I know that......
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