Never had the urge

I see families and couples that are happy. It's a novelty to me. I never had that growing up. There was always arguing. I never felt wanted and don't remember any hugs and kisses and cuddling. I remember an aching heart. Lonely. Like now at times.

I'm clueless about relationships and pick them apart, chase them away; they go on. I'm left lonely and hurting. No one comes to me or even meets me half way regarding affection for romance. I don't think that I can acknowledge or believe being loved.

Someone has to make and take the extra effort. I'm lost in that department. I stay at a distance. A distance I have always known. I'm probably very hard to get along with. I absorb and analyze until I'm crazy. I hang on until I blow. Then, alone, I'm comfortable again; safe in my own knowing-where-everything is world but only for so long then get lonely again.

Yet, I still make myself uncomfortable by pushing the mark and taking on feats that make me anxious about being able to complete them. So then I bail. I can't commit.

Sometimes I'm not good company especially having been around loving couples. I don't get it. I hurt and ache and wonder why in my 60th year I've never witnessed or had compatible only combative relationships, by which I initiate. I only knew fighting and arguing not joy, laughter and cooperating while growing up. My heart bleeds. Old habits are hard to break.

I just don't understand why all loves presented to me stay at that distance I have always known and therefore redeem safe? While my heart aches.

It makes me want to rush the rest of the way through this life and get back here in another life, another time. Quickly! I have my next life all planned out. I'm a lesbian again only next time it's as normal as normal is. I have wonderful happy, loving, supportive, encouraging parents, who both hold, kiss and cuddle me. I'm a happy loving kid because I am loved and shown and see love around me. My relatives are wonderful - not like now.

I don't understand families now in this lifetime; they are mean and hurtful, secretive, manipulating, controlling, demanding and carry on only about themselves. I was the odd man out. I never do fit.

I'm tired now - so I'll sleep on it and dream of love, sweet love.

It's why as spirits we come here to earth - to find love. I never knew that. My dad spit and snorted when the stupid word "love" was mentioned. They were angry! He proudly admitted marrying so he could rent the farm he wanted to rent. That was what our supper tables were like. Physically I was find and got good healthy meals but emotionally I was hurting. I sat in silence and listened to accusations and arguing and shouting. I had no allies, no sweet anyone with arms to crawl up into and hide. I shivered with cold and lack of warmth and it stuck with residual effects a life time's worth.

I learned at a very early age not to count on anyone. Not to trust! Don't expect love and it's probably why I don't find it.

I love my friends. I miss the married woman I was seeing because among other things she held me and kiss my head and I knew she loved me. I never got my head kissed as a kid but I saw wonderful loving women show love that way to their kids.

So life goes on and sometimes I wonder why? Hey,I get the point! I'll remain lonely and alone - it's the way I began and I guess the way I'll end - this lifetime. So what was the lesson. So why does everything have to be so cold and cruel and loveless. Why do so many people hate - usually themselves and it gets projected onto innocent people.

I don't understand. So, I'll sleep on it and maybe just maybe I'll have that loving sweet dream again; the one where she loves me.

Think enought of yourself to just stop

smoking and eating so much! I mean you are all that you have. You were born with this wonderful body and your messing it up? Why? Why do you hate yourself? Or worse yet - are you feeling sorry for yourself. Well, that just perpetuates the whole mess of things. Knock it off!

Make up your mind to be fit and be the best that you can be. And start right now - immediately! No whinning! You are a grown up now a big pampered baby! Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

Hey, if ain't no different then trying to make up your mind what type of pie you want to buy or what flavor of Ben and Jerry's.

Get stubborn with yourself! Get mad! There's determination in "mad". I'll get you! Hey, I've gone through it and believe me it only takes that one time. Once you get over that hump, you've got it made.

When people knocked me down - I got up bigger and stronger and better than ever - in an "I'll show them" attitude.

Hey, I'm my own best friend - I had to be and why not? No one is better than I am!

Have you ever idolized someone and were very nervous and felt insecure and that you didn't measure up. For get that! Because in time you find out that they are not perfect and in time you may even recent them because you did feel that way about them. No one is god. We are all equal. Hey, I just don't need anyone that bad!

Another thing make sure you are independent. Make sure that you can support yourself and have your own savings. Don't ever give your life over to another human being.

There you are - that all worked for me.

Rainy Riding

I've been riding, prehaps too much. I needed an evening for rest and centering. Got wet riding yesterday. Got wet riding today. Actually, we were luckier today. We were enjoying great BBQ at a great new Mid-Town Restaurant. I guess I was just tired. Evening going to the movies seemed too much. My head's stuffed us. I'm tired. My eyes hurt. So, I'm here - resting. I'll get to bed early and sleep even if I have to take a sleep aid.

Yes, once again I have committed to an event. But only a 10k this time. But my last two times that I ran six miles were awful. I had to walk alot. I just need to cruise. And I hope the route is not too hilly. I'm just looking forward to breakfast afterwards. There are about eight of us from our running club entered.

I'm tired. I'm conjested. I'm slightly loney. I'm running in neurtal. I find that I have highs and lows. I guess like everyone else. I think I'm more in love with the thought of someone loving me - then anything.

I enter relationships and end them and they go on and live happily ever after.

So Grateful!

Whew! rode bicycle in the rain today while riding 45 miles. Yes, I'm gearing up for the up and coming Tour de Cure diabetes charity ride. That reminds me I sent to send out a reminder to folks to support me.I rode with a group of very nice people, from various riding groups today. All were very nice nad welcoming and friendly. I had fun! I recognized riders from other rides. So conversation was easy. We followed the city's designated bicycle route down to the river and took the scenic route. Well, "scenic" is debatable - yet we are very grateful that we have it.tomorrow I will ride down there and meet another group of friends and ride up the trail for a ways. I pushed it today so I'm looking forward to lesiurely ride tomorrow.

I am so grateful and thrilled that I am so youthful and active and blow people away when they hear my age. Well, the normal 60 year old, let's face it, is obese, gray, sedentary and under a doctor's care taking multiple perscriptions for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes - you name it. I think that I was born to prove 60 doesn't have to be sickly! That's my slogan and I'm sticking to it. I love life. I love my friends and multiple activities that I am so fortunate to be able to undertake and enjoy. The word "no" is not in my vocabulary - but "reasonable" is! I am reasonable with loads of common sense.I love the thrill of the ride, the speed, the alertness that comes with it and is so necessary. It's great for reflexes and mental health and emotional well being.If only people knew that anyone can be a exercise program. Any program can be altered to fit your physical, mental and emotional needs. It's a shame so many over weight and unhealthy people do not know exercising makes you feel so young and alive and wonderful. It's fun, it's communitive - it's life!I wish right now to thank the universe for my wonderful physical being.

I am so blessed and I know it and appreciate it and certainly never take it for granted. I rode 45 miles today and probably will ride close to that tomorrow. Can't wait!On the Holiday I'm running a 10k with about eight friends. The other day when I ran 6 miles (10K) around the park - it was tough. Well, for starters I ate too big of a breakfast. I had to take a few walk breaks and was disappointed with my performance. I expect so much more from myself. That day after I ran the six, I swam for forty minutes, worked out of weight machines for thirty minutes, then rode spinning cycle for thirty. Trust me it pays off. That was Friday, yesterday that I did all that. And today I felt fine to ride 45 miles - in fact I felt better than fine. Oh, I forgot I did yoga too. But, than yoga is a natural included routine that I do everyday - even for just a few minutes to keep everything flexible.I'm not bragging - I'm grateful. I feel wonderful and I want you to feel wonderful too. Even if you just took a brisk walk everyday and build up endurance and distance you'll begin to feel better about yourself. What exercise does is increase endorphines that enhance mood and a sense of well being. I'll sleep good tonight. I didn't have any caffeine today. I purposely avoided the Cliff Blocks that have caffeine in them. I ate a banana and part of some pastry before the ride and nibbles on six energy blocks during the ride.

Oh yes, I was hungry when I got back home. But, it began to rain and rather hard as I got closer to home. I wasn't cold and I didn't really feel wet. The wonderful jerseys and riding pants that riders wear or ideal materials for all types of weather. I was pooped but after I showered had to go out again and pick up my run package for Monday for the 10K. Can't wait. I'm so excited I hope I get to sleep right away. Thanks again universe and spirit guides for helping me - I couldn't do it without your help.

Thanks Oh, just want to mention a couple of great book titles: "Many Lives, Many Masters" and "Same Soul, Many Bodies" by Brian L Weiss, M.D. These books will change how to value your life (you many lives). It's fascinating reading

Going to his head already..

Obama comes from no where and has only been around for less than one term in the Senate thinks he is going to talk to communist leaders and evil leaders all over the world and really get somewhere. Just who is this guy? It's almost a joke to me. He's going to stand up against the Arabian oil shrieks. Just who is this guy - the messiah? Oh please! If he gets to big for his britches he better watch his back. The Kennedy's thought they could come in and change the industrial millitary powers that be. Hm. Big business - is just that big business. These are very powerful "men" and who create reasons to go to war over a commodity. It's all about money and they won't let some little "thinks he's god" come along and try to stop them. Big business has everything in place and they won't stand for anything less.

I'm spectuating here, but someone I really don't feel that I am far off target. Obama just better hope he is not one.

See Hillary and Bill know how to work with big business - you have to compromise and do a little bargining and give and take. Personally, I think, if Obama does get elected he will be forced to learn real quick just how really liberal he actually can be. You know when you think of it - who really voted for Obama - college kids. Idealistic at best! And their parents are probably still footing the bill. Easy money.

I think we need people in there who know the inns and outs of Washington and politics.

"Recount" on HBO Sunday at 8:00 PM Central time will deplict the 2000 crooked pull tags in Florida. Oh please. Bush lost there but Cheney and daddy and Rove wouldn't hear of it. So, they fixed the numbers - it was obvious to me. And for some reason - the Democrats wouldn't touch it. There was cause enough to federally investigate this situation. But no Democrat had guts enough - or really rather - is too in cahoot with business - maybe - and let it go. 2000 Bush win was as crooked as the day is long. And then in 2004 they had more voting machines and that was a joke too because big corporations support Repubilcans and program voting machines. Just a simple case of mathematical addition.

See even doctors did cover ups when it came to Presidents health. Money speaks the words you want the public to hear. McCain is probably half dead but we'll never know. He needs a little make up or a little blond hair to match his wives. White men with white hair need to do as their wives and tan and blond. Gags - turns me off. Men sure like their throphy wives - don't they?

Unload that BIG SUV

You know you should have sold it several months back already while you could still get something for it. But ego is powerful. CNN interviewed a guy who got 8 miles to the gallon with his Hummer. Do people have image problems? They must think more makes them look intelligent and rich.

I hate to break it to you - but "more" and "bigger" makes people looks greedy, selfish, insecure and down right uneducated. It's how I view smokers too. And half of them probably don't even have health insurance. And you know they don't exercise or eat healthy. How stupid is that? Anyone with half a brain know you have to talk care of yourself. Not complaining and get up and go for a walk - at least. Many people need to read Brian L. Weiss. Start with "Many Lives, Many Master" and then "Same Soul, Many Bodies". It should not be about material things. Anyone who spends a lot of money and is in debt of to their ass to impress people needs to see someone like Dr. Weiss. First read these books.

Anyone who drives a big ass vehicle, smokes or walks like a man turns me completely off! Personally, I like the professor or artistic looking types. I love people who have their own look about them that fits so well. Be thrifty and pay yourself every month by contributing to an ROTH IRA because if you save enough money and can retire before 59 1/2 you can begin to use a ROTH IRA without the penalties of a Traditional IRA if tapped into before 59 1/2.

You can tell I'm older, I'm even beginning to like "older" people. But, only those who are healthy, tall, straight and proud.

A Beautiful Day for Golf or anything

Damn, I feel like a bum today. It's 3:00 PM and so far today I only hit a few golf balls, drove through the car wash and put Armoral on some vinyl trim on my car. One side of the car's trim was very faded and porous. Maybe that side gets the sun more? I'll have to be more conscious of the direction in regards to sun in which I park. Hm. Interesting. It's the protective guards above each wheel well on the passenger side that's really faded and even rough to the touch. I hate that! You know I how I love my '98 Toyota Rav 4. Damn! I usually drive through the most expensive $10. car wash to I get all the added wax and protection I can.

I hit a bucket of golf balls and actually hit the 150 yard metal barrel. Well, my ball bounced up from the ground into the side of the barrel. But, I heard the clank, so that counts! I'll have a good game this evening. I can feel it already. I hope Lou joins us I miss seeing her in action. She and Sandra are good buds, I get a kick out of watching them. Secretly I hope I get to play with them and T&D and go ahead. I'm just due to hear their good humor.

I was missing M and sent her an email which will either probably make it or break it. I just want to do the afternoon delight thing anyway. Otherwise, it's all to complicated, married you know. I liked being with her because I could do anything I liked. She went along with anything. That part I really liked. I don't mean sex.. I mean when we were on vacation and just doing things.

I wonder if I'll hear a lecture from those two friends of her ex this summer at Pride? Who knows. She might even be seeing her ex. She wasn't that anxious to see me. I know her schedule is filled up. But, if I know her? Hey, we're in our 60's what the hell!

Although I realize 60 is the new 40. I only hope I learn something because it seems the mold has not been broken form one generation to the next. Even the same stupid religious beliefs apply except for college towns. Religion is taboo and even evil. A poor sap people trap only to be used, controlled and manipulated for priest's pleasures and monetary gifts so they can buy off molested and now grown up victims. Oh yes, billions of dollars in legal fees - that is where your hard earned money you give each week is going. Fool! You are a fool! You can teach your kids right from wrong, manners and how not to discriminate, cheat or lie. Besides monkey see monkey do...kids will mimic you anyway. People are stupid. Okay, they're not - but so many are click-est (clique).

People are stupid but actions of ducks is innate. I wondered why these women were in the street at a busy intersection has I was driving near my home. And then I saw them. Mother duck with five tiny wallowing babies following as precious and unknowing of their possible peril as could be. In a world of their own on a mission to get back to the lake near my home. All six lands were stopped as the ducks slowly, purposely walked across. You think they knew the good ladies were helping them out? Spirit guides at work! Animals are so precious. Ladies with cautious, caring smiles on their faces holding up their protective arms to warn and slow traffic to a stop. It was touching. One of the last few senses of innocence we have where people actually will risk their lives and step out into traffic to save our precious, innocent wild life. It takes a mother!

You know if people would only pretend to be that innocent and pure - look how wonderful the world would be.

I have another great story. I stopped into a Walgreen's on my way back from hitting golf balls and after I gathered a few items in a basket I got in line to check out. I looked up and down and across the way was a woman clerk slightly motioning to come to her. Next to her was a good looking strong, stocky, tall black gentleman I figured he was the manager. She reminded me of maybe a store owner's grandmother or great-grandmother from years back when I was a kid and stores were family owned. She was tiny, very thin, white with transparent skin. Every vein was exposed; some of which matched her rather reddish but more raspberry rose hair color. If she was a day she was pushing the century mark. She moved rather slowly and spoke softly. I found myself wanting to help her but she was doing fine. And then I wondered why should someone like her have to work and stand on their feet for hours.

But then I thought about it and thought that it did look natural enough. I wondered? Was the price of gas getting so high that now centurion have to work. But there's Medicare and Medicaid for her. Maybe she just wants to get out of the home for awhile. I trusted she probably lived independently.

I plan to be riding my bicycle until someone runs over me and kills me out right and instantly. What a way to go! Well, I'm feeling very wonderfully young now at 60, more like 40, so that final event (for this life time) can be put off a bit. I'm doing a ride Saturday right smack during the time frame that my running group meets. But, I feel I need to reach out and extend my connections. This ride sounds perfect. Meeting in the park then riding in the city for 20-30 miles then lunch - then I'll ride back home. I won't need gas on this ride.

I won't need to use gas on Sunday's ride either. I'm riding down to the river to meet friends and we'll ride some then go eat BBQ, then once again I'll ride back home.

But Monday I'll have to drive to the ride in another town and in another state. And I'll probably get another hell of a work out from the speed demon leader. Must we always be training? Or racing?

Okay, I'm done. Think I'll head over to the lunch place with my book and eat and read and wait until two other's get there. I hope L has her clubs in the car and she comes and joins us this evening. She said she would if she gets out on time.

Later that evening: Well, I met up with my dear friends. Bonus night! My ex Lou was there and she rode the cart with my very good friend Sandra.. I walked and played with them. It was perfect. I missed their humor. Especially Lou's. I was really missing her. And later at the 9th hole in the near dark. When we were about finished she said that she was really glad she came out to play. Her works been busy and hectic. I know how it can be, I used to work for the company myself. So I can sympathize with her. Anyway, when we parted I hugged her too and the other. I told her I was really missing her that it was good to see her. Early in the evening I spoke of Brian L Weiss's book called "Many Lives, Many Masters". Telling her it was very good and a fast read. Driving home I followed her past her place to say good night. We live nearby. She asked me about the book wondering that if it wasn't a library book could she read it. I said I'll put it in her mailbox tomorrow. See there is a special connection there between us. We have always said that if one of us goes we would still keep in touch anyway. We both believe in the after life, many lives and the spirit world. I truly believe in it. I firmly believe spirits on the other side watch over us and we might not realize it, but we can do favors for them - over there too. I know I have.

Okay here's the story, I'll keep it short and to the point. I believe at one point while seeing channeled Ezekiel ( well speaking with him) I must have opened myself up to helping those on the other side. Probably while driving home after a channeling appointment. My whole life changed. I ended a 15 year relationship with Lou. I said "it's bigger then both of us." For I believed it was - and it was. Some people get sick when they need a life change I fell in love. I still feel love for that woman. Anyway, I'm on my own. And then I meet up with M. I told M about Ezekiel. M tells me about Edy, a deceased friend and at one time lover. Edy was proceeded in death by Georgette her partner of 30 years. They died in 2003, and 2002 respectively. One day I found myself saying. "I think Edy watches over you." And then another time when M spoke of Edy I said. "I bet she would like to speak with you.".. Yeah, I actually said that. So I made an appointment for M. And yes, sure enough, while speaking with Ezekiel, he asked, is there someone you wish to speak to. "Yes, Edy" says M. "Well, she paces patiently behind you waiting to speak with you." So they spoke through Ezekiel. M asked if Edy saw Georgette? "No, and I miss her". Magic words! Ezekiel asked M what Georgette's last name was. And Presto! She's there Ezekiel says "Oh, she comes fast. They blend together". So the two women who were lovers in their human form where together again. Now, I don't know for sure but maybe Georgette was a little upset that Edy had an an affair with M at one time. Or, Edy fought for her life while Georgette said she couldn't fight her cancer. I think it was more that. I think maybe Georgette was a little upset that Edy fought so hard to stay on earth. Well, bottom line is, I helped reunited the two spirits in the after life. It was exciting when I listened to M's tape recording of the whole session with Ezekiel and heard for myself the reunion event. I said. "Cool!" And I knew in my heart that I had helped get M there to help Ezekiel reunite the two women. I am glad they are together and that they are happy. Isn't that a wonderful story?

So, from time to time, well mostly everyday, I ask the universe to give me magical moments and two was full of them.. the duck family being helped by wonderful smiling magical ladies, the little old lady working in Walgreen's with the wonderful youthful spirit she had. My playing golf with my wonderful friends Lou and Sandra and the three others. Plus I sent and received some great clarifying email from M. We needed to have the conversation to clear things up. She and I will get together again soon and we'll sort things out between us. We'll start out slow again and maybe I'll be able to incorporate her back into my life including my friends. She enjoyed that. It may still be okay. We'll start slow and branch out. I do really like my autonomy and free time to spend with friends and meet new friends. She is married so that give me the green flag to now totally be tied. She has a second life, maybe I need a second life. We'll see. A dual life?

Major - getting to see and spend time with Lou. I was really missing her. She is my life line. I cannot imagine my life without her. So, I pray now to the universe to keep her healthy, happy, and with me - in my life. She said tonight that her mother will be 85 that longevity runs in her family.. I told her about the 95, 93 year old couple on Jay Leno last night and well they were going. I said that's your parents. And you .. I'm counting on that. She said yeah and if we run out of retirement money we'll just all live together and share one house..like teenagers do. I said that sounds good to me. I do so appreciate her. Thank you universe for keeping her in my life, in my heart, and around the corner. Please keep her safe, pain free, illness free, please allow her company to offer her a good buy out when the time is right. Please let her be fine. And I know she is grateful and thanks the universe for all her blessings but in case she forgets consider my gratefulness here now for her. Thanks.

Seems everyone is happy..

and that's good. I am thinking that I am at the cross roads. I am thinking that I was being used and thinks appeared fun and find. And now that favorite has been completed and I'm in limbo again. At times I do miss being in a relationship. It wasn't that bad in retrospect. Even though she never liked to do the things I liked to do. It's funny too - then we did everything every body else wanted us to do - even more so. I never got my trip out West. I rode by myself.

I don't care what you say, a relationship is never fifty-fifty. Someone always gets lost in it and then wakes up maybe twenty years into it wondering what their life would be like if they could call the shots once in a while.

And I'm sick of families of the proper, straight, goody-goody variety. And that's M. She pretty much just really proud of her straight marriage. I'm a side show.

I'm telling you - life sucks! People love you if you do what they want you to do. I know my mother was happy - bitch! But have a thought or an idea of your own and you're toast! Ancient history!

Love shouldn't have to mean always kissing someone else's ass. But the strong personalities win out!

You know I think I just made a mental adjustment. Hey, I look damn good! I"m cute! Now you kiss my ass! I'm the confident one here! You're the weak one - the behind kisser.

And people in relationships just slay me especially the weaker one who tries to come across as a strong just-as-knowledgable one - like the "strong minded" partner. And watching the strong ones manipulate the weaker is a sight to behold. It's so obvious! I guess I have seen it all just too many times. It's just so obvious!

Maybe I am looking forward to that hilly long ride for a good benefit. Actually, I guess the money just goes to the drug companies. Such a crock! But never-the-less! Because surely by now they would have found a cure. It's all marketing, money and profits and filling the deep pockets of CEO people. Maybe on that ride I can hook up with some slower cool people.

Anyway....

Aching, Firm but Tired, Physically and Mentally

What a weekend! Saturday I spent three hours on the park trails with an out-of-towner unfamiliar with the park. Yes, it was an act of kindness. The halo still glows today yet! No actually, I'm sick of being accommodating and nice! Giving in! Being a "yes" lady. How I get myself into half of this shit is beyond me. No it's not actually - I was raised to be a "people pleas er" to appease my mother. You see her love was somewhat conditional. It's why I hate the woman today.

But, anyway, the 13 pace run for 3 minutes then walk to for 1 minute just about did me in. Today I am having a people free moment.

And yesterday I worked my ass off trying to keep up with the racer bicyclist. Little did I know she wanted to complete 42 miles in three hours taking ten minute breaks. Anyway, it became work right at the start as she took off with a shotgun start.

Trying to keep up with these hard cord people is beginning to remind me why some of my best cycling adventure are done solo. Gee, I get to stop when I want and go as fast and as slow as I want. They call it a leisure ride but to me it's a race.

So, morrow of the story: Bike alone! Or find slower people. Seems there is just not a happy medium. Yesterday, I really should had taken the 28 mile route that five other took. But, I thought that I would work up to a big event that is coming up that is hilly and fifty miles. Which I can do - if I can do at my own pace. Or I'll just skip the event altogether. I think I feel a back ache coming on.

And then again I'm rethinking hooking up with M again. I'll have to listen to all those fabulous feats of adventure she so easily completed. The endless orgasms while I struggle. Maybe I'm not ready for this to start up again. I'm tired! I'm just plain tired!

I look good. Oh yeah! My body is shaping up and losing the gut. Fitting into my size six REI cargo shots better and better. She said eight was too big!

I need to get slimmer and stronger before June 7th. I just don't want to have to try to keep up with all these people. You know to ride in a group race even though they say it isn't a race. I haven't decided yet. I'm still tempted to skip the whole thing. Like J said "too many hills". One person had four flats last year. Well, I could keep up with her. Yesterday however, should wasn't a casual ride.

I like riding I just need to ditch the competitive, unrealistic edge, that I have. I would love to whip all of their butts and just go flying by. But there's no such thing - they are all very competitive.

You know I found that too when I was in my thirties. I knew this one woman who could really keep up with the guys when she rode. I mean we were flying up and down hills doing more than twenty five miles an hour. I pedaled as hard as I could. I only got a single break when the one guy got a flat tire. You think I would have learned in my thirties that I am not built for speed. I need longer legs proportional to my body for that. Losing ten pounds would help. That I could try to do.

Well, I'm off to the post office to return a pair of "men's" shoes that were advertised as "women's" . I'm tired.

I should write and a return response to M but for some reason I am just to tired. Everything seems to be a competition. I'm tired! I'm bored!

I must be at another cross roads in my ever people pleasing life. Evidently it doesn't pay for me to be nice to people I only recent it afterwards.

Slowing Down - My Way

I think I'll be riding more on my own or with slower riders who like to socialize. I didn't realize that I was on a time schedule other wise I would ride with more rather socialize than speedy riders.

There was a shot gun start, and I had no idea they wanted to do it in strictly three hours with ten minutes breaks. At the end the others seems slightly more relaxed. It was nice of them to
wait around for us.

I don't really ride to see how fast I can get it over with; I ride to enjoy and converse with other riders. I like to ride with one awhile and chat for awhile and then ride along side of another and chat for awhile.

Only reason why the ride beat me up some was when I was I riding hard to keep up the whole time. In the end I and another weren't that far behind. I don't mind a good work out because I think it builds strength and stamina. Still, I don't want people waiting for me.

I love my friends, don't get me wrong. But, I am finding that I probably too am becoming more independent and that my time and pace is as important to me as it is to someone else.

Last summer when M and I did the over nighter to wine country I tried hard to keep up with the speed demons. M was happy to ride with me, but then I don't really want to hold her up either. I do think those three were more used to riding together. Hell, they did 160 mile aross Indiana in one day last year. No thanks.

I have ridden many centuries but it is important to me to do them at my own pace; therefore alone. Since it appears I can't keep up I do centuries on my own. It's nice to be able to stop and go when I want and takes as many breaks as I like. So there you are!

NO more money for NPR - not in St. Louis

Thank you RFT for exposing Patty Wente. As reported by RFT she makes $115,000 per year and has a $15,000. PER MONETH expense limit credit card. And THIS is a public funded radio.

Too bad, so sad. They are not getting any of my money. The audacity to take advantage of people who contribute their hard earned money so she can drink it up and have a traveling high times on the public.

Is this just a prime example of all fundraising groups?

I knew the priest were driving big cars and slapping gold on the ceilings of the church while I sat through boring begging for money sermons on hard benches when I was a kid. I was suspicious then.

I think I'm done giving. Hey, I already gave at the office! That's my story and I'm sticking to it! I have done been bled out.

Just Makes Me Mad.

Oh so smart of Osama Obama to have John Edwards endorse him the day after Hillary wins W. Virginia. It's so obvious! And the networks worked it and gave it for more press time then Hillary's land slide win. And not too many people think it's too smart to want to sit down with terrorists and talk things over as Osama Obama wants to do.

The networks have been bought in favor of Osama Obama Hussein. Whatever you want to call him. I think the Republicans will again throw the presidential elections again anyway. And have you noticed at 2000 and 2004 the Democrats don't go after the Republicans. I think they are all in cahoots. Osama Obama doesn't stand a chance if he tries to go up against the establishment. And remember Congressional elections are coming up in November 2008 too. There goes the Democratic majority! Obama doesn't stand a chance.

So who does have the power in Washington? It certainly isn't Congress. The FDA is rolling right over Congress and won't give up the names of the companies in China who are making poison Heparin. Eight or more people have died so far in this country. The FDA stalls and is not coming up with the names. Well, we know the FDA works with Bush and company. It must have been a Democratic Congressman going after the FDA.

Washington is so corrupt. You know in 2006 we dumped the Republican majority in Congress but to what advantage? Since then, the war is at the bottom of the long list of economic problems we have in this country.

One Congressman wants to put a 20% cap on interest charge on credit cards and of course the banks buck against that. So that will never happen. Not with this administration and I doubt with the next administration if it's Osama Obama's.

He's getting a big head already and the guys in Washington will make him an extremely wealthy man and before you know it he's be under their spell. Remember Clarence Thomas? Oh what a joke! That high society womanizer forgot his people faster than a New York minute.

They all want a piece of the pie! They rob the poor to make the rich even more rich. So much for "public servants".

Can't Trust Them!

"Our Daily Meds" by author Melody Peterson. Her book was attacked by the New York Post's Goldberg who just happens to be "friends" with a drug company.

Physicians have lost their way, perhaps with drug company incentives. Some physicians are hired by the drug companies. Some physicians take hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. The drug companies employs two lobbyist for every member of Congress.

In 1992 drug companies began paying fees to the FDA to get their drugs approved. Lots of pressure is applied for Congress to do what the drug companies want them to do.

Drugs, legal drugs, are a very big business. Melody says we need a law to ban doctors from taking money from drug companies.

Some patients get side affects symptoms, so instead of taking the patient off of the drug - they of course, wanting to sell more drugs, give that patient yet another drug to take away yet another symptom. See a pattern?

And you know old people are just so trusting of doctors. They come from that listen to the church; listen to the government mentality. They actually believe that church, government and doctors are looking out for their best interest. Old people haven't a clue they are victims of a greedy money hungry system. But it's reality.

Drug tests are manipulated giving the subject a lesser dose of the old drug which therefore has no effect and then giving them the new drug. Doctors are paid to lecture in front of other doctors who do not know that the drug companies are paying them to push their products.

I love this one - can't lose weight? It's probably a thyroid problem. Yeah right! Your cholesterol is high - yeah right. How do I know the scale isn't just a wee bit off or a wee bit sensitive to promote a prescription. You know drug companies have the medical industry to lower that 140/70 and make it 120/30 in order to push more drugs.

Bottom line? Keep yourself as healthy as humanly possible. Exercise and take care of yourself. You know what is healthy living and what isn't.

It's a sad situation but the bottom question is "Can we really trust anyone?"

More ART

I've played my guitar, I drew with pencil on paper, I sketched with pastel on 1500 gray sandpaper. Now, it's time to read or play scrabble. I need to get to sleep early! I had green tea extract today and that could be a problem. I'm resisting the urge to nibble on dark chocolate covered pretzel bits. I went swimming, worked out and vacuum'ed.

I hope that I am up to running close to fifteen miles tomorrow morning. Am I nuts? The last time I tried to run the six miles around the park I walked most of it. Just wasn't up to it. I hope that I am tomorrow.

Well, I'm doing someone a favor and running with a girl coming in from out of town for the weekend. She runs slower than I do. So, I don't know how that is going to work. Can I slow down? I guess slower will be better for chatting.

She called me last evening while I was at a art pastel workshop so we only spoke briefly. She asked if I thought it was safe if she ran in the park in the dark. I said. "No' to protect my own conscious. How would I fee if I would have said. "yes" and something would have happened to her? Wish me luck. I hope this run goes well in the morning. We are beginning at seven and my friend will join us at eight for the second six miles loop. Then we will run three more with the running group. I must be out of my heart. Oh, I know I've ran fourteen. But she' s on a training program I am not. We'll see. Maybe I can rest while my friend takes over on the second loop.

No matter. I'll rest in the afternoon, get to bed early and bicycle ride about thirty miles on Sunday on the Strawberry Ride. It's one of my most favorite rides. Very popular. They had about a thousand riders last year. We have about ten from out group riding tomorrow.

So, wish me luck. It's why I am resting. I swam every day Sunday through Friday, except I think I missed Monday, when I ran. And that wasn't a good run.

Hey, I can run six miles no problem. Piece of cake. I wonder where breakfast will be tomorrow? I think it should be Bread Co.,

I'm looking from across the room, about twelve feet, at my pastel sketch that I grew. It's good. I think I did it in about ten minutes. Yeah, it just all fell into place; my first pastel on 1500 grade sandpaper. Hm! I think I hit on something it's a portrait of a man with a beard. I was drawing a picture from an art magazine. It doesn't look like the guy in the picture, but it turned out nice.

Boy, was I bummed this morning - for hours. Until I called M. I had not communicated with her for two months. I went haywire after our vacation. She married. Everytime we got together, I thought about him. I could see his face. And she always had to leave early and it seemed she was distance. She was busy this weekend. But said she would see me when she had time. So, we will see. I can't think too much about it. I just know that I miss the touch of someone touching me. It can actually drive me crazy - I know it could. Intimacy is a requirement in my life. So, we'll see. I hope I can see her next week sometime.

Medical break through? Stem cells in old dogs helping them to move better? Can humans be next? It's helping the dogs. Damn, I might be able to run when I'm a century. And by then plastic surger techniques should be easy enough. If only they could do something for thin skin. I work out! I know that helps. Actually, I can't believe I hot I look.

No, I'm not bragging I am amazed. I am toned and I have a nice little butt going. Yeah. I look like a forty some year old. I am truly amazed! I thank the universe. I thank my mental condition.

On Oprah the other day, Brian L. Weiss, M.D. who wrote the best selling "Mary Lives, Many Masters" and also wrote "Same Soul, Many Bodies". Said that we can get deep into our own consciousness to lower our blood pressure and other beneficial things. Well, I keep telling myself I'm 40. I am 40. Actually, I feel younger than 40. Are you kidding. None of the 35-40 year olds that I know run half marathons in 2:22 then ride 40 miles on a bicycle the nice day. Which I just did in April. And a few weeks ago I rode 75 miles on my bicycle. June 7th, I'm riding fifty miles with friends for the Tour de Cure. I can't wait! The route should really be cool with rest stops every ten miles. Piece of cake!

I have stopped worrying about things in my life. Why? It's all mapped out for me anyway. My spirit guides whoever they are working for; doesn't appear to be me. Have a plan I am sure. Deceased friends of M, have been guiding me to her. I am not kidding. Spirits guides don't only help us. We help them! Trust me on this. Today I dared her to show herself to me because I was mad. I really didn't want to feel that I had to call M. But, I had too. I felt I was going nuts. Now knowing that she will see me I am so much better. I can't do without sex!!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, helping them - on the other side. Well, I helped them by hooking up with M. I found myself saying. "I think so and so watches out for you." And then I hear myself say. "I think so and so would like to speak to you". So, I made the appointment for her with Ezekiel the spirit guide whom I speak with ocassionally. I am almost ready to speak to him again. I miss him. He's really cool! Anyway, when I took M, her friend passed was right there waiting to speak with her... hello! Just like I said. Anyway, ends up E the woman passed had never hooked up with G, her earth partner of 30 years, on the other side and she missed her and M spoke with Ezekiel and got them reunited on the otherside. Don't believe me! But, I have the tape. I need to buy a new tape playing. The damn doors on those things don't last long. Well they don't shut enough for the tape to play after a while. But, I should get another one so I can play these tapes.

Ezkeile told me that day during my own reading that I would make money with my art. Wow! I'm excited. Maybe I will call that portrit resident artist at the guild and have an afternoon session with him next week. I'll call him tomorrow. Or maybe I'll email him this evening.

Okay got to go.. I have money to make.

Religious groups should pay taxes like everyone else

Religious groups are so unpopular in my thinking. They are unconstitutional by creating and spreading hatred, racisim, segregation and separatism in this country.

So, why are they tax extempt? Well, because Repubicans want their votes? Because politicans in general want their votes? Why do we cater to relgious groups. They are a business like anything else - only tax exempt.

And what ever happened to the separation of church and state. Do you think McCain will pull in the regelious groups when it comes down to push and shove. Just wait. McCain has
Rove running this campaign tactics. Think it will be another crooked election?

Personally, I think the house will come down if voters vote for Obama and he doesn't get elected.
Could we really have another 2000? Here come the tab counters and the crooked voting machines.

Losing my mind...

Strong words! But sometimes I feel that way. First of all I think about calling her but my head holds me back. I knew this day would come. And I knew I would feel miserable.

I'm just stuck in a bad place once again. If only we didn't move the relationship up a notch. If only we didn't plan trips. If only I didn't incorporate her into my circle of friends. I don't know that she is married - if we would have kept it on the "afternoon delight" plan. She tried to make it more. Just seems odd to me.

Anyway, doesn't matter she is not my type. Still I miss the physical contact, the touching. Oh well. My heart has to be in it. I certainly do not want to invite her here and then not bea ble to ...that would not be good. So I hold off. I stand off. And once again I have no idea what the universe has in store for me. I've asked for what I want.

But, you know what - it's raining so I guess I'll be staying in; but it's a good evening to read. I won't be lonely. I won't sit and think about my ex and how things have changed regarding our common, well used to be common, political discussions.

But, I have four books to read, pictures to draw (I'm getting better!). Oh I forgot I could go back to the Artist Guild this evening to that pastel demonstration. But, do I want to?

It's still early. I have time to think about it. In the meantime I think I'm rant and rave about
Religion.

And About Hillary

I like Hillary - actually I want her to win! But I am beginning to worry about her. John Edwards gave his delegates to Obama. Sorry, I can't go for Obama. I liked John Edwards better. Too bad! Obama doesn't show me anything. But, I noticed as I listened to John Edwards that he and Obama speak the same with hesitations and "ha's". It gets on my nerves. Hillary is an excellent speaker - excellent. But, I fear we will lose her. You know she can do anything Obama can do. He's slow and lost. She's on it! Go to her site and read her plans for every issue that is occurring today. Where are his plans.

And notice how Obama never really tells you just how he is going to remedy our problems. He never speaks specifically. I think there's a good reason for that? He has no plans? clueless. God, we don't need another clueless one in office.

So, we see! The people will speak - and lucks of lock to you. Can he really get us out of this mess. Personally, I think he bit off more than he can chew. And who will his vice president. Oh I just thought of something very cool. Hillary as vice president and running the show like Cheney does. Everyone knows that Cheney is the real president. Cool! Go Hillary! Obama will go "Mom, what do I do about this?". And "Hillary will you take care of this for me" and "I can't find it" and Hillary has to point to it for him. He admitted his weakness was losing papers on his desk. Hello Mr. President. Sounds just like the type of president we would elect! Unbelievable!

I'll take a bossy woman over a "lost" man any day. And you know dang well men cannot multitask. Oh just watch the typical man. He can only do one thing at a time. Hey your married - ever ask your husband to do something for you - and how many times did you have to ask him? Hello! You see how men like to brown nose and hate to make waves (with other men) - that is why nothing gets done in this country and only gets pushed out for the next ten years. Women are care takers and they can multitask. Who takes care of the children and the old man - normally. Yes, women. Oh he has to lead the way and drive the car - but that's only temporarily. Then she drives! Of course he still tries to boss - but she has learned to tune him out. In the end and in between who runs the house, the kids and the dumpy old man who just thinks he is running the show? A woman!

Do you now that Barbara Walters book has broke selling records in a day or two of sales? And many buyers are young women who credit her for leading the way for woman into news reporting and broadcasting... yet they will vote for Obama. It makes me want to cry.

Women have broke records this year.. several winning auto races. Two women astronauts met in space; one commander of the shuttle the other commander of the space station... have we really given them enough attention - not really. The papers put it in the back somewhere...and small articles. Touch dogs get more attention.

Now there is Ford - they are finally wising up. Well, with there advertisements anyway. I like the Focus commercial where the "woman" is the designer and says "now take that down to the size of a petite woman.." and "Yes, significant!" You have to love it!

No one thought of considering woman - until woman finally got in the way of things. Men are so narrow minded - and in their own world. It's why I don't like butch dyke's - they are too much like men. It's sad - but true. See I don't even fit into the lesbian world. On TV you see two feminine lesbians together - but honey, that's not real life. So, I'm staying single! There are no feminine lesbians older than fifty. I'm doomed!

Where was I? Oh Hillary - Hey if your state hasn't had their primary yet - vote for Hillary. She's tough as nails. I hope she can hang in there.

But, you know history repeats itself. Woman worked for 20 years to get the vote. Black men got it first. See my point! It makes me sad!

Even Deepak Chopra says the yin yang is out of balance and it's why we have so much war. We need women in high places to balance the yin yang.

Oh well, I'm just the 800 pound gorilla in the room what do I know?

And What About me?

FYI: Golf is the most aggravating sport yet! I did better last year - it was the sex. Damn I miss it. But you can't go back! It will never be the same - because we took it too a new level that didn't work. Is it possible to go back to the beginning? The way it was meant to be - an afternoon delight. She tried to make it more. Planned a vacation - eight months out?

None of that works with me. It was what I set it out to be. I went along with the vacation and in the meantime invited her to other things. In other words, I incorporated her into my life.

That doesn't work with me. She's not my type and she is married. The biggest problem is I'm a softy. I care about her. I miss sex. My golf game is off. I was relaxed last year after a wonderful afternoon. But this evening I felt anxious and easily irritated over things I thought I had over come like that stupid golf marshal saying we can't play five together after the guy at the desk said it was okay. So big deal - two went ahead of three. But we still have to allow the lone "male" golfer to play through. He was like a title wave passing up ahead throwing and stalling foursomes with silly carts that had to stay on the path. I saw evidence of wandering golf carts; however, on to the fairway. I felt rushed all evening therefore raised my head up at the wrong time when I swung.

So anyway. My games is off. What about me? I wonder what the universe has in store for me? Ezekiel told her I would always be there for her. Dang! What about me? Am I not an important factor in my own life's scheme. And why flash the good doctor in front of me? And why have the feelings not faded? That's a dirty treat! I love that woman! I know she is totally out of reach - but why can't you send someone to me - just like her? I need feminine and some one who has a heart, is affectionate and can express her feelings. You know - work with me on this!

Someone who likes to have fun. It was like M thought she always have to prove herself. I know she hurts - but she is part of her own problem. I feel for her. But she is the one who is not true to herself - she won't leave him. And it's the first thing she reveals. This would be okay - if I was truly "hit by bricks on the side of the heart" in love with her, but I am sorry - I'm not.

Hey, remember Edy and Georgette! I believe you owe me a favor? Remember I got M to speak with Ezekiel just like you altered my life, and put that beautiful untouchable person in front of me, to have me do. Why were my feelings so deep for her? It hurts my heart! Don't dangle someone like that in front of me - unless I can have her in my life literally, not imaginary. So, you now what I want.. hop to it. I"ll be expecting her soon - and she will meet me half way - she will want me - for a change! So hop to it - please.

Here I go again!

Hey, first of all I am glad Hillary squeaked by in Indiana. I'm watching CNN of course. I like John King on CNN. I really do. I don't like a lot of men but I like him. He's quick, to the point and has a nice voice. And he's handsome. Oh, and I love that 22 century map he uses - it must be Apple! First of all the screen is large and he puts a map of the USA and moved districts around with his fingers and draw lines with his fingers and does hypertheticals. It's cool! He's cool! Hillary is cool! I think she is perfect for our first woman president! Don't you?

I'm sorry but it's the year of the woman. Within the year two woman have won auto races. Two women met for the first time in space of all places. Brazil and Argentina have woman leaders. The yin yan is out of balance we need woman in important places. Barbara Walters is woman's news anchor trail blazer. What white men take for granted women cherish. Oh Harry Reasoner hated the idea of sharing the limelight with Barbara Walter on the evening news. It was very obvious. Oh yeah, men like women and will tell you that - but they like women "in their place" if you know what I mean. Men don't want to share the limelight or the glory.

Did you know that during the early sixties when tests were performed on potential astronauts that women faired better than men. Oh, you would never read that in the paper or hear it on the evening news. Men wanted the glory. So there you are - that good old double standard of the boys' club. Will men are competitive in general, with each other, they are sure not going to bend rules for a woman.

Did you know I used to let boys win at bowling and pool because my mother told me I was supposed to make him look good and think he is smart. Well, men would never think to return that favor - it's not in their make up. Actually, I was insulted with that proposal and I resented the idea that I was expected to take the back seat. Even for her .

It's probably why I couldn't stand it any longer and distanced myself from "them"
I hope I never see "them" again. There is a woman several doors down who for some reason can't walk down three steps and ten feet but leaves her bags on trash by her front door. I resent that fact that I am so conditioned (by my mother) to notice and with my own bag stop by and pick up hers and take it the ten feet. I truly resent doing this and curse and mumble the whole time and get pissed. It's Arlene all over again. I can't stand it! It just brings back awful memories of my "past" life. The audacity to expect someone to stand there and be your servant and all you did was screw and give birth and do the basic 18 years of feeding, and of course, working me. Bull shit! Now you know how I feel about mother's day. I have paid time and time again to the point I couldn't stand to be in her present. I had to jump up and get out of the room and get away from her. My ex never understood until I told her - to be around her would put me in an abusive situation and not for me. Hey, she has her other fools and fans who kiss the queen's butt and wait on her and trust me she relishes in it. She has always majored to using people to her benefit - you know much like the church. Nuns are like that too. They expect people to wait on them and hand over their very souls. I say - you take care of yourself and I'll take care of myself.

I just ordered a book from the libary: "Slaying the Mermaid" Women and the culture of sacrifice by Stephanie Golden. I can't wait to read the book. I have read "Why Women Should Rule the World" by Dee Dee Myers. I am already aware of the gendar unbalance but I am glad to see younger women writing about the short change of women's positions in our society. And speaking of that; it's a known fact that women make seventy cents to a man's dollar.

Recently I've been watching the discovery channel and it warms my heart to see complete teams of women in operating rooms. Just how cool is that. Women have a softer, warmer touch where as it appears to me that men are more like mechanics and rough and unsympathetic; they can't relate especially to women's needs.

We need more women in important places. Don't you think we'd be using bio fuels by now. Brazil is since the OPEC scare in 1976 which unlike the USA, Brazil took serious and waste nothing of their main crop the sugar cange plant; what isn't made into sugar gets cooked for bio fuels. Brazil is petroleum free now.

So, we missed our chance to be roll models. Government is a business just like any corporations but forget fossil fuels - let's get green - and set the pace for the est of the world. Let us be the first with electric cars, wind powered ulitiies and green homes and businesses. Let Greenville, Oklahoma be an example. Hats off to them! Think of all the money this country would save. Oil just hit 123. per barrel today and the market was down 260 points. Hey, that hurts! Personally I think Cheney is trying to get every last cent he can before he leaves office; the Bush boys too.

Yes CEO's make 400 times more than their employees. It's called greed. Twenty years ago they made maybe 40 times more. It's a greed race amongst them I guess. Pure Greed and one up manship. In the sixties there were no lobbyist in Washington now there are 33,000 lobbyist in Washingtion. Money rules!

I am rooting for Hillary and praying things go better for her. Come on Edy Goodenough and Georgette... but with me on this.. help Hillary to win. And don't forget me. Remember youthful, young, 40, brilliant, talented, acknowledged, magical, love, sex, car safe, accident free, me safe, keep friends safe and healthy, me good. Thanks.

I'm helping myself too. I swam and worked out again today. Yippee! I love it. I may go again before I go to draw with the group tomorrow. Wish me well. Hey, I'm trying to set an example here. It's my life purpose. If I can do it any 60 year old can do it.

Did you now that in 1986 we had a housing crisis too then and daddy Bush used billions of dollars to bail out banks. Was that when his son Neal was in that saving and loan scandal? Did you know that Reagon sold arms to Iran and funded revolution in the Contra. A military guy took the heat for that His name escapes me at the moment. And we all know that Nixon was a real piece of work. And getting back to daddy Bush - he was really pissed that he only got one term as president and that Clinton beat him out of office. No wonder for eight years the republicans went after the Clintons and dragged them through their political Ken Star wringer. Republicans are just plain nasty. Then there was the crooked elections in 2000 and the determing state - Florida fiasco. What a joke!

why?

I have a few questions: Why don't men color their hair (blond) when their wives do. I've seen very young looking wives with old fuddy duddy men shuffling behind with white heads. Older should go lighter - remember that. And not bright obvious gold but soft more wheat tones - like mine. And when men do color their head besides going a little too dark they leave the obivous -I've colored my hair - white at the side burns. Color that too! In other words be more like Robert Redford; get his look.

I feel sorry for women with very dark brown or near black colored hair because they; it's almost impossible, can't go blond - they have to let it go white. Now, on saying that some women who are chic look wonderfully sexy with gray or white hair. But, women must walk proud and tall with shoulders back and feel sexy. Women, some women, not me, are such victim of self aging. Hey, you are what you think you are. I'm barely 40 myself - not 60. I love my life.

I've finally come into my own. Oh, and of course I'm a natural looking blond. I'm lucky, I have the right skin tone.

But, I'm only saying all of this so YOU get into yourself. And the secret of doing that is exercise. Swimming above anything else I think really gets me into myself. I feel, healthy, toned - mostly toned, and sexy. Oh after a 30 minute swim I work out about 30 minutes on weight machines - look them too.

Hey, if you need a boost, say you just can't get it up today. Eat two or three of Boc Chock jelled squares with caffiene. It's green tea caffiene. I know you can get them at REI and the Trek store. I had one bloc this morning after a fresh mango and I'm ready to swim. I love working out.

You will to - love working out. Just get in the groove. Good luck to you. I'm going to work out then come back home and read these two very interesting books I have to read. "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D. and "Confessions of a Political Hitman" by Stephen Marks. No golf this even, but yoga for an hour so I'll have time to read before the Barbara Walters Audition interview comes on ABC at 9:00 Central. Oh, and I need to draw to warm up for the drawing group tomorrow. Yes, yoga this evening - she makes us work which is really key to keeping agile and flexible. I have no pain! Thank you Universe.

And thanks universe for all of my many gifts and blessings of wonderful friends. Please take care of my car too. No, really, it's a wonderful 1998 Rav 4 SUV. It's perfect as the day I bought it. It's like Emma my Rottweiler, she was so perfectly trained when I got her at six, that I thought I would ruin her. Sometimes, I worry about my "old faithful" Rav that way. I know that I am very fortunate. And I know that (please, no accidents, to total her, please!) that she is good for at least another 150,000. Hey, I only put on about 10,000 a year. She gets 26 miles per gallon. That's good enough. You knows older cars get better mileage sometimes than giant SUV's.

Oil is up to $122.00 per barrel. In 2001 before 9 11 oil was $32.00 per barrel. You think that there is some GREED going on in the market? If only more women ran the world. Oh, that's another book by Dee Dee Myers called "Why Women should rule the world". Women can work with others well and negotiate and cooperate. According to Myers men sit across from world leaders at tables like they are playing poker. Women will work with others better. Men are just too competitive, aggressive, controlling, and conquering minded. They want to overcome and take. Again - Greed! And women will take care of the earth so as to provide a decent place for their children and grandchildren to live.

Got to go now. Time to swim.

Is America Fading?

Is American Fading is a questions asked on a CNN pole. Yes, was the majority of the blog answers. I definitly think so and that is because of the old white oil men of this country. They are living in the past.

If our government and the corporations of this country were REALLY smart they would turn GREEN. I mean everywhere - turn green. Like Brazil - if off of petroleum totally.

Be the trend setter - get smart. But men are iggorant and stubborn and certainly without foresight to see into the future. They don't plan ahead - but rather "react".

If this country were leaders in being totally green - we would be setting the trend and other's would follow. If government and corporations worked together for the good our OUR country and the people and NOT CEO's we would be a model country.

But GREED rules and irrgorance and old ways. I mean look at the cars the American car companies crank out - retro. Old styles. Looks like a bunch of old white haired guys trying to relive their childhoods and looking silly while other countries like India, South Korea and China move way ahead.

And here we are over 14 trillion dollars of debt to China over OIL and a needless war so corporations CEO's could make a monetary killing. Just how unAmerican is that?

Talk about homeland security? We are leaving ourselves wide open for disaster. All OPEC has to do is stop the flow of oil to America. All China has to do is demand their 14 trillion back and this country would probably have to give them what they want - probably New York. It's funny - really how stupid this all is.

And the home mortgage scandals is the joke. The loan companies plan it so home buyers can pay two years of payment before the interest goes up and they can't afford the payment anymore and then they lose their house. So the loan companies got all the closing close. The capital companies get their fees. The loan companies get all the payments for 24 months and then they get their house back.. AND then the federal government give THEM more money to boot! Is this a joke or what? And all the time the average tax payer loses AS USUAL.

Well, I think the day has finally come where big corporations and our government that favors big corporations has bled us dry. We are all becoming poor in the United States. So we have the very rich and the peasants. But the last laughs is on the government and the big corporations because we can't even afford the poor quality products that large corporations has produced overseas by cheap labor. Apparently these large corporations do not regulate materials and methods of production in these slave labor shops.

It's all about greed. What ever happened to pride and integrity? Those words no longer exists in the business world or the world of government. It's disgraceful.

I'm Worried!

I am watching CNN IN and NC primary returns and There is a county close to Chicago that is not turning in their votes and the one commentary on CNN says that this is highly irrregular and Mafia like (yes, he said that). That when the mob wanted a certain someone to win they would hold out until they made sure somehow that their candidate won.

CNN won't call Indiana they feel it's too close. I hope Hillary is called the winner. It looks like Obama as taken North Carolina. I hope Obama loses W. Virigina as they predict and I hope he loses Oregon as they predict he will win.

Hillary, as you can see, is a real fighter. Which tells you she would make an excellent president. Yes, 88% of the votes are in for Indiana.

Here is what is too bad and that you sure can tell the whole Democratic party wants sunny boy Obama to win and that is Florida and Michigan. Hillary had the KNOW HOW to put her name on the ballot no matter if they did change the primary date - against the advice of the DNC (Democratic National Committee). So why didn't sonny boy put his name on the ballot - it's his fault not hers! Yet it seems they all favor "from out of nowhere" Obama. Just who is he anyway? Oh he instills hope and a new beginning! This is no time for a fresh baby face without experience. Just how silly are these people?

Don't come crying if Obama doesn't come across like he says he will. We all know what to expect out of the Clintons - prosperity and jobs.

You know what? If people dominate Obama they will be falling right into the Republicans hands because Republicans are good on digging up shit (hello, the Clintons and they came out clean). But what do we really know could be hanging in Obama's closet? He's new junior in my mind.

As you can tell I have an uneasy feeling about Obama.

Twelve percent of the precincts are not reported in with Indiana yet. But, I bet they are as crooked as can be and trying to create - more Obama votes?

I feel a terrorist conspiracy in the air - don't you? Here we go again crooked politics - as usual. Who was it, John Adams, who warned against a two party system. There is enough votes in this little corner of Indiana that could throw the whole this over to Obama. Something stinks in Denmark! There are a lot of questions why the mayor of Gary, Indiana is holding out - he is a huge Obama fan. 28 % from Gary just came in and Ibet you any money Obama wins this shit.. that ass hole. What a bunch of crooks. Lake County is beginning to turn in their votes only 20, ooo votes keeps Clinton ahead. There is a sufficient African American amount in from around Gary, Indiana which is close to Chicago.

Now they are waiting on union county yet - but it's small.

Can't wait to die

Well, I really don't care nor am I affair of dying. I think the passing over will be excited and magical and I have friends over there to help me. I know I do.

You know it's hell here on earth trying to squeeze out a few magical moments when the world is so evil. Look at all the evil, mostly men, in the world! Greed! Man it's all about greed. Let the little guy live in filth and starve to death. Yet, already rich greedy CEO's get more than 400 times in salary then what their average worker makes. See greedy CEO's try to one up each other. They are idiots!

You know you can all the money in the world, but you can only be in one place at a time and you still can't eat whatever you want. Well, if you want to stay healthy. I hope these rice greedy bastards who won't share the wealth eat like pigs. Glut ens are self-destructive!

Greed is the root of all evil. You see spirits come to earth to LEARN. Well, they are supposed to be here to learn, like monk; like a giving, loving, caring, charitable woman. It's getting so you can't even trust the nice guys. It doesn't seem to be taking affect however. I'm spiritually far above lots of people who are so materialistic and controlling and critical of others. They have a lot to learn. Hey, I could be getting just a little tired of all this greed here. Nothing ever gets better - but rather - I see things getting worse.

The church is evil - again greed and control and manipulating and molestation. We all know government is evil - again greed. They represent big corporations so they get kick backs - the hell with the people they are suppose to represent.

This country is 13 trillion, at least, in debt to China. What would happen if China decided they wanted their money? And of course we don't have it - so they take over Washington. Hey, why not. What would happen if the Middle East cuts off our oil supplies? There goes polyester and all our plastic materials because like stupid idiots we have not come up with alternative methods to make plastic. And even Hillary is talking about developing ethanol using "all" of the corn stalk besides the corn kernels! Hillary come on!! Brazil has been using every bit of their sugar cane crop since the 70's. They use the cane to make sugar and then cook up all the waste, like the stalk to make ethanol. THEY are petroleum free!

We don't want to! Everything in this country is a struggle for the people! It should be! There never should have been slaves, racism, sexism, gay bashing. None of this ever should have been because in the constitution it reads, will it should be worded all people are treated equal. Asshole forefathers didn't even want to recognize women. Women have had to struggles for every little crumb that was thrown to them by ass hole men. It took over twenty years of struggling for women to get to vote. None of that should have been necessary. God, if there really was a "god", another fictional character used to manipulate and control people, never would have discriminated! It's all one up bull shit created by egotistical, male testosterone ego!

So what person in a minority position wouldn't be tired of all this white man crap. Look out people when Obama gets in the white house - Washington will change colors right before your very eyes. I'm a woman and I'm bitter of the double standard; and I'm not alone!

Price for a barrel of oil rises yet again

It seems to be a daily affair. Every day the price of a barrel of oil rises. Now Chrysler is advertising a 2.99 pr gallon for the three years was it, gas card if you buy a Jeep or some other piece of stuff from Chrysler. Don't tell me oil and auto are not in cahoots - and Bush is wrapped up in there somewhere too getting his pockets filled and foreign bank account filled.

These gang of thieves in Washington went to drain every last cent they can get from us before they leave office. What a bunch of crooks. No wonder Bush's negative rating is 70%. And he's still lying to us like we are a bunch of blundering idiots. But, bottom line, they don't care!

I don't trust Obama, so I am hoping Hillary gets elected. Oh, there is just something unsettling about Obama. He's not warm. You can't see what makes him tick.

A woman at least lets you see some emotion and what's lying inside. Hillary shows her toughness. Obama is weak wrist ed. I don't know the not being able to bowl did it for me. The slugging down of those shots by Hillary really won me over. And I loved that pick up at the pump scene too. Jay Leno had a classic time with that! See, I don't hate all men. I like Jay Leno.

Call it women's intuition but there is just something about Obama that makes me uneasy. I sure hope Hillary ones IN and NC. Come on Hillary!

I had a fabulous day!

First of all the weather was as beautiful and beautiful can be; sunny, crystal clear skies, low humidity and perfect temperature.

I began my day by coming in second in my age group of the Run for Sight 5k run downtown. I ran with five of my Frontrunner friends. Two other women came in second of their age group too. A celebratory day!

But, personally, I need to lose seven pounds at least because two years ago I was lighter and came in first in my age group. So I need to hustle. And what did I do but eat a big dinner; but with mostly protein and vegetables. Okay a little pastry too.

What messes me up are the sugary power candies that I buy to maintain energy whiles running and biking. Sugar demands more sugar and causes extremem sugar cravings. Like now. I want more sugar. But, I'll use deep breathing to get past it. A "student" on Oprah's Monday night's Eckhart Tolle's "The New Earth" discussion said that is how he stopped smoking. When he got a smoking craving he took deep breaths and soon the urge went away. He continued this technique until the cigarette cravings totally ceased. So, if he can do it, I can do it.

After the run we six went to breakfast where I stopped eating before I became full. I practiced sitting up straight and holding my gut in, like I'm doing now. I need to lose about ten pounds and I know it. I have no idea why I cannot buckle down to do this. Why it's so hard for me this time.

When I split up with my partner of fifteen years I lost 20 pounds and got down to 117, then 115 and I wasn't even trying. When I got on the scale and weighted 115, I actually, became a little worried. Well, then I fell in love with this young chic and over a couple of months of her wanting ice cream on a warm summer evening and she cooking late evening meals for me, I began to put it back on. I stayed around 125, 126 for a while after we broke up. Then about a fifteen months later I began dating a woman, well, my age, and she brought me candy and stuff all the time. Damn! So then over the course of a nine months I got heavier. She and I dated for about 18 months and I reached 134 or 135 and got mad at myself.

So, my time has gotten worse by 10 or 15 minutes. I know I can do better if I knock off these extra pounds. So, people, time starts now. I need to go to bed hungry. Yes, get into the habit of going to bed hungry. But, after everything we do these people want to go and eat. If only I could use hard core self control and just order water, or tea or something while they eat.

I ask the universe to help me in this new endeavor, which is long over do. I need to get tough with myself and stick to my guns. I know I can do it without heart break. I know that I will feel sexy after I accomplish my mission. And then I guess I well want to hook up with someone - once again - and begin that whole cycle all over again. I get thin and trim and firm and hook up with someone then they feed me to heaviness. Oh, the cycle of love - so weight damaging.

Today I turn a new page. What has happened in the past, just like the stock market, as no true bearing on the future, although it is used as a guide and over all measuring tool.

Help me universe! Believe it or not I over ate my activities today. Running three miles is nothing to wear off weight. Just me! After we ate, my friend and I rode 38 miles. It was a fabulous ride up the river trails about 19 miles and then back again to our cars.

All in all it was a perfect day and I truly thank the universe for my efforts and abilities and just plain wanting to get out there and win a trophy and then riding nearly forty miles. I just might ride again tomorrow - only around the lake. I want to built up my endurance. I liked too riding with this particular friend because we rode together and chatted as we rode. We rode easily at the same speed. Another friend I normally ride with, sets the pace and I have to work to keep up with her; another reason to knock off the extra weight and have only cool lean muscle. I have some good abs and thighs but slightly covered in extra, not needed, fat.

Life is grant. I love this time of the year. I love where I live where I see runners, walkers and bicyclist passing past my window. I love living in the same town where all my friends are located. I love being disengaged and estranged from my weird so call "family". My friends are my family. I despise traditional religious teachings and the whole money crobbing establishment that creates sinners only to be able to control and manipulate them. Sometimes people are just so "fooled" and complance joiners. That how the church workers, they ostracize you if you even think about coloring outside the lines. It pathetic!

So I sit this evening and comtemplate and listen to the birds sing their songs of twilight. The breeze through my window is refreshing nad welcomed. I cool my sun dried lip with a bottle of icy water I've taken out of my cooler. It's good. I'll sleep well tonight, if heavy eyes now is any indication. I love my life. I love my life, I love my spirit guides who protect me and my car and my bicycle and my friends. And help keep me straight and strong and young.

You now I have come to realize something. I rode with a thirty year old today and ran with her first thing this morning. I did good! I'm sixty! Somehow and in many ways we are equals. I love it! You know one time long time ago when I spoke with Ezekiel he told me that there would be a time when I would be good with young people; I believe that was in 1996 or somewhere around that time. Anyway I owe my gay and lesbian running group all the credit to having young friends because we all came together with a common goal and purpose and that was to make new friends and run or walk. Lots of people come along to try to meet someone in the group and when it works or doesn't work out, we don't see them anymore. We have our thiirty or so regulars - both men and women. And everyone says, after a time or belonging, that the group feels like family. Indeed we are a family; a wonderfully, active family.

We know what I have notice about our run walk group? That morning where I don't run for one reason or another and just join up with them for breakfast is that first of all I notice how happy and laughing they all are - because running does that to you. And second of all I notice that I feel guilty for not getting my butt up in time - there is just no good reason to miss running with the group. See how they are motivators? They are family!

So in summary, I had a fabulous day on this goregous day. I thank the universe. I thank Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette my special spirit guides who watch over me and I know they do. I truly dig the way Edy got me to get M to see Ezekiel, so Edy could speak, from the otherside, to M and have M have Ezekiel call G forward (on the other side) so G and Edy could reunite. Still following me? Hey, no snickering! I have it all on tape! All on tape! And when I heard the tape, I was blown away. Cool! I looked up and my friend M was crying. I leaned over and kissed her on the head. See she shared something wonderful with E several years before E passed. G had passed the year before E. I know I have mentioned them several times in past entries. Well, the whole phenomimum is so magical and miracluous to me. It was a wonderful journey and I felt so self assured and confident and the right worlds just popped out of my mouth. Hello! Edy was putting words in my mouth and helping me to feel confident so I'd go after M. Funny, I wanted and needed sex and it just so happened M felt the same. See how magical and wonderful the universe is and the happy, watchful spirits there are? I wouldn't mind being placed on another mission. For all I know I could be on one now. I sure got more generous, calm, helpful and more charitable after all this. I got what I need too out of all this.

I got sex, but all in all I kept my independence. I love my automony! I don't really know if I want to be a couple. I like to do things with friends. I have many. I need to do more with a lot of them. And the fun seasons of Spring and Summer are upon us and there are so many opportunities and I hope and plan to take advantage of out side concerts and activities. Life is meant to be fun - not like the evil church as told us for centuries, especially women, sacrifice, offer up, give, give, take care of, and your rewards will come in heaven. They were just self serving hypocrites in my good book! Hell, you can tell men wrote up, made up, the bible - it's self seving to them. Hello! Doesn't take a rocket science to figure that out! I had that figured out when I was a kid and got the short end of the stick all the time. The double standard - I grew up with it.

I was telling my friend today that I never saw women ride road bike with helmets and gear like men did when I was in my thirites and it made me feel so jealous. Men got to do all the fun stuff. Women played half court basket ball in stupid blue monkey suits. Just how sick was that?

It makes me feel so good to see women coming down the trail in the helmets and jerseys and commanding performance from their road bikes. God so refreshing! And how we are soon to have a woman president - oh how I ask the universe to make it so. And 60 year old Hillary is perfect for the job. Perfect! Sharp, witty, talented, fabulous debater and will be a better president then any man we have had before...because a woman can multitask and has better, warmer, social skills. Just read "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D.

Yes, I had a fabulous day, I do everyday in my magical, wonderful, spirt guided life. Thanks