A wonderful weekend....to celebrate a world win

Yes, the Redbirds won the World Series. I knew they would. I got the inside scoop! I know people in very high places. The weekend was perfect. Great friends, things went as hoped, including a win!

I had a magical moment when I went looking for a t-shirt to celebrate the grand event. I wanted a small long sleeve. All were short sleeve L and XL. But there amongst the L and XL hung a size 14-16 boys with long sleeves. I tried it on - perfect fit. Even fit better than a Median and tucks nicely into my pants.

I am sleepy and think I will go to sleep and dream of her. Tomorrow evening I will meditate and pray for the best way for things to turn out. I will pray that I will think of the correct and loving things that will make things work out for all those involved. My afternoon visitor, does make my other love that is so far out of reach, bearable.

I am in love and I think I realize that now. I can't ruin her trust in me. I want us to always be friends. Words are not mentioned - except maybe little hints. I think she loves me too. We are out-of-range. But, in so many words, she says age doesn't matter. I don't think she is dismissing me but hanging in there. She knows about the afternoon thing. But, the afternoon one is not one that I am in love it. So, in my heart, I know that I won't be able to go on like this for a long time.

Universe, please give her a wonderful day. Please keep her safe and happy and always glad to see me. I want her to love me too. I know that sounds selfish. But, we create our own realities. I think that it's impossible. But, is it? Could if ever actually happen? She's so much like I am. I don't think we would lose ourselves because we are both giving and loving. It's a good match; but, the timing is just a little off according to society. It's not that it's never been done. I am sure that it has however.

I need to give up my afternoon of bliss. Or do I? I need the universe to help me out. I'm not in love with her. I enjoy and right now need her company, but, I'm not in love with her.

But this other person; It seems we gravite together anyway. I don't want to lose her. I love her. So, universe please help me out - will you?

My intention affects my world..

my thoughts create my world. We are intrintic to the whole belief of reality. Two electrons: If one is moved a great distance away they are still connected. If one breaks his leg in Russia and one breaks it's leg in Colorado they are still connected. I'm speaking of quantum physics. We are beings of light. We are sending and receiving small particls of light..coming out of our DNA. The communications between each other are cells talking to each other. The ground state is the zero point field. It's a lower ground state energy. Nasca believes that if we discover this we can tap into this to get to outer space. Our bodies are connected to objects too. Little packets of energy. A tangle between our electrons and the electrons of the zero point field. If we would believe that we are all connected, we would be kinder to the planet. We would be more fair in monetary transactions. We wouldn't be out to win no matter what. We would listen to our intution more. We would look at other ways to look at things. Sometimes the true intentions are letting go and letting in. Distant healing works. These are all part of learning to live with the zero point field. We can pray to a larger entity and allow ourselves to be channeled for it. We need to work together through quantum physics. Thought can affect living systems. We don't need a lot of equipment just our thoughts. Thoughts last forever. There is retro prayer too. Maybe no beginning and end. We can make better and pray for things.

Time Changes

Go Cards! And they won! Yes! What exxcitement! I had my thoughts zeroed in and was so excited about going out to watch the game in the one and only N's bar down around down. My thoughts were clear and centered. I was excited. I knew the rain would go away and the Cardinals were going to win the World Series..Friday! I went to look for a t-shirt; perferably size medium. The first place only had L and XL. The second place had L and XL but then I saw a long sleeve one. I held it up - it was a 14-16 boy's size. A passing woman brought it to my attention. A magical moments! I tried it on and it fit! It was the only one of it's kind and size in the store that I could see. And it has long sleeves. I loved that. I decided to purchase it. And then I had a magical moment when I realized it was placed on that clothes rack just for me to find. So then I knew the rain would cease, my friends would want to go out, we would fine a place to sit and the Cardinals would win the world series. It was the last game in town, I knew they would want to win in their own home. The last time the Redbirds won the world series was 1982! Yeah, Bruce Sutter..the clean up pitcher! He was awesome to watch throw his split finger pitch. My friends responded, I got to the bar early and sat on surprisingly two vacant stools until they got there. When they arrived, we moved to a tall round table I found. They dragged their stools over and we settled in as the game was on its way. We had a a blast! I let all my concerns up to the universe after I prayed and all went magically! I do this more and more; the praying and then letting it all up to the universe and and letting it go! It all went well! Now, I pray for things to go very smoothly next Sunday. It may get a little troubled. I just want my friends to be understanding and kind to all. I made a mistake and opened my mouth one day. But, maybe there is a reason it felt so good to tell it all go. I wasn't going to give a name, but they guessed who it was. And personally, they need know name. They will recongnize her. Anyway that is my concern. I just don't want anyone to get hurt, or embarrassed. Our relationship is unique. The intimacy and physicalness is wonderful. My problem? I hae a crush on someone who is much to young for me. I adore her. I think she is a lot like me. I love the way she things. Well, I'm leaving it all up to the universe. I only pray no one gets hurt, especially her. Don't forget, the time changes "back" tonight! I have already changed some of my clocks. I am so tired and it won't be long before I just give in to this sleeplessness. I think I was more tired today then I cared to admit! I was quiet and when I should have said things, I didn't! I don't know. I know that I was tired though. And good night's rest and I will be ready to go tomorrow with the same friends to watch the celebrating parade down town.

Saturday

Maybe it's the early afternoon drink. Funny! As soon as she is out of my sight I miss her. We were quiet today. Maybe it was all the excitement and drink of yesterday. Or the vocal competition distraction at the table. Maybe we were taught to listen while others speak. Maybe we were just tired. Somehow I wanted to keep the party going into the evening. But, probably best not after all..

Tomorrow is the parade and another celebration with many people downtown. I look forward to seeing her again. I don't miss anyone or anything when I'm with her.

Funny! I miss her when she is away from me. It's another forbidden love (of course, it's the only kind I know}.

Universe! Thanks for the many magic moments. Please keep all loves and past loves safe and loved. After one drink this afternoon I must admit I'm a little loaded. Please keep them safe and sound and happy. I wish she loved me back and felt very comfortable with calling me and being with me whenever.

Funny, I hugged everyone but her when we departed...maybe I thought I would see her later?

In Good Standing with the Universe!

Yes I am! The universe with truly with me yesterday. For starters, I found the one and only perfect long sleeve t-shirt. I went to Sam's and all I saw was L and XL. Forget that! I didn't want to swim in it! Later, I stopped at Target and again saw nothing but X and XL but for some reason, tucked within those sized was a long sleeve 14-16 boys size. A woman brought it to my attention..it was the only long sleeve. "Oh, that's a boys". So, I guess she headed back to the men's department. I thought for sure the boys would be too small. But considered trying it on. It fit over my bathing suit top and long sleeve t-shirt, although just a little snug, but thought I wouldn't have the two layers on. Before I bought it, I tried it on again. Perfect I thought. I walked through the boys department, I thought, but didn't see any t-shirts at all. In the men's department only more L and XL. It's magical I thought and meant to be! At that moment, I knew the rain would cease, my friends would call me to go out with me and I knew in my heart without a doubt that the Cardinals would win the world series. The little t-shirt that came from out of no where was my true magical moment! Wow! I so love life!

When I got home I still had not heard from anyone; but, I was determined to go to the bar alone if necessary. I knew I would know someone or I would just make new friends. As it was I did see a couple of women come in alone. But, I wasn't home too long before my dear sweet young friend called. I love her dearly. She and two other friends ended up going.

Another magical moment. I got to the bar first and saved two bar stools that I thought were available. Actually, four women were trying to save them; but, I didn't catch on the the little things that were left behind to save them. Like a coaster on each? Actually, I guess the universe was with me, because it didn't dawn on me until I sat there for awhile and I hear the girl at the other end of the foursome say. "Susie, you fell down on the job!" then I realized what happened. But Susie never said anything to me...so.

War of Oil

In my opinion, the GOP (Government of Profit for the corporations). The hell with government of the people (lip service); they'll manage somehow. We'll drain the hell out of them, until they can't avoid to pay taxes anymore and then we'll think about their status in all of this. But, in 2006 there are 300 million people in this country so surely there is enough of a tax base. Well, there are 12 million illegals approximated...and most lately getting paid under-the-table and sending half the money they make back home to Mexico.

On Mexico (before I get back to the oil war for the corporations. Did you know there are 33 lobbyist for each member of the house?). There are 33,000 lobbyist in D.C. Amazing! So guest who is running the country. And guess who thinks it will never change even when Democrats win the next election.

I believe this country's government has a deal with Mexico. You know we have borrowed money to pay the interest on the 43 trillion dollar debt the present administration as us in. We have borrowed money from China, Japan, Mexico and there is a fourth. I would venture Saudi Arabia, wouldn't you? But, I'm guessing on the fourth one.

So, maybe here is the deal with Mexico. Say President Fox says to Bush. "Hey, I got too many people down here with no work (they are all Catholic so reproduce like crazy without consideration for extreme population growth and Fox does nothing for control of pollution). So, Bush, how about we let a few million slip through the borders, say about 3,000 illegals per day, that should help your US corporation with cheap labor and my situation too, after all Bush we had let you borrow money from us." "Deal!" says Bush.

Why do you think we are in Iraq? Hint: Remember this is a government of the corporations! We fought like hell, but finally found a reason to invade Iraq. Oh we don't wait to be attached anymore. We just invade. The Saudi's and Al Qaeda orchestrated 9 11, some say maybe we knew about it more than what we would ever admit? Doesn't matter. MIchael Moore in "Columbine" showed great pictures of Bush holding hands with the Saudi leader. Makes you wonder doesn't it. So what is a few numbers of colleral damage if we meet our goal to "protect the oil so we are not blackmailed" in Bush's words I heard him say in CNN this morning. We have surpassed 3,000 at the WTC killed now in Iraq. We are protecting the oil so Iraq doesn't blackmail us? Well, Cheney's Haliburton is making a nice profit, I'm sure. That profit is your tax money you know; or borrowed money by now.

All for oil! You know what if the auto industry and the Bush dynasty were not in the oil business since the get go we probably would not be so depended on foreign oil profit. Oh yes, there is a profit involved. But need, but profit. We could all be working and running on soy and corn oil. But big corporations do not own all the farmers who raise corn and soybeans. I think this all goes back to the 1900's when the automobile first hit the scene. Do yourself a favor and see "Who Killed the Electric Car?" Gee take a guess? Even back then oil ruled the Bush's and other rich men had a stockhold in domestic and foreign oil so naturally, they ruled the auto industry too. So naturally the electric car got rubbed out..and again in the late 90's and early 2000 up until 2003 when the last electric cars that were stored (non sold, only leased from GM to appease California's clean air programs; which by the way, got rubbed out too when the federal government got involved). The hell with you damn health we are making big profits you!

What the hell is wrong with you? Beside if people get sick the medical and pharmaceuical companies make a killing (pardon the pon). They truly want to keep you barely alive so they can continue pumping meds down you throat. You are no good to them dead!

I wonder if that is what is truly behind the relgious fanactics consisting of Evangical Christians and Catholic who are trying to stop medical research and progress in stem cell research. The government is so in bed with these Christains that they use them to say that stell cell research will mean cloning. That's slightly wrong. Stem cell research will mean cure to disease and ailments and that would ruin the pharmaceuical companies profits. They want you sick! There is corporate profits in illness...so smoke that cigarette, just sit and eat alot, they will love it and make a lot of money. Besides there is profit in obesity: illness, broken down and replaced furniture, bigger clothe purchases, increase in fast food sales, and huge grocery industry profits. So keep eating. Oh and healthy club memberships that get bought but many never used.

I Talked to Her

And I am looking forward to seeing her in a couple of days. It's our special time together - just us. The highlight of the week! And makes the week so fast, surprisingly. She makes things flow.. Also tonight, after the run, going out and meeting friends...sounds like fun! Would love to watch the game...I mean how many times are we in the World Series? I had a great day! Exercise, the sun, S.A.M.E, all work wonders on my slight depression. Two things I need to do that I just keep putting off. Okay, I'll so one of them in a minute. I trimmed my hair....then kept trimming; well, until it looked better. Shorter is much maginable and in all honesty looks better.

Missed a day?

And it seems I missed a page? I went to save the many paragraphs that I typed and ..it all disappeared...only the work "practicially" was left behind. Strange! When I awakened this morning I said to myself it's 8 and when I looked at the clock it was 8 on the nose! It's going to be a very magical day. The only word left on this page was "practically" I don't remember typing that word? Will I almost have a very magical day? Yes, I have created my day and asked for it to be magical and it will be....gotta get going to run, swim and workout.

Spirits living here on earth as human beings..

I believe that heart, soul, mind, thought, consciousness, subconsciousness, common sense, intuition all describe what is actually our "spirit'. Our spirit that survives form one lifetime to the next. Some people remember past lives. I don't. Anyway, I don't think so. I've been read - don't tell me know - and was told I was very poor in Ireland in the 18th century where I was married but he died and than I lived with a young woman. In another lifetime I lived with a woman prehaps in a convent. Interesting.

They, whoever they are - other humans, say what we learn in one lifetime can be carried to the next. Have you have noticed how some little kids personalities are like old souls? I think it's because they have lived many lifetimes and have gathered much experience are have developed into wise old souls.

I think that is why each child in family is so much more different than his or her siblings. They each have their own soul. As a kid all I heard was "chip off the old block" or "nuts don't fall far from the tree". While some of the thinking maybe close it can't be truth. Not if each child comes into the world with it's own spirit. Of course, life experiences means a lot but maybe it's the common sense the intuition that we bring to this world that is our experience we have gathered from one life time after another.

Just a note about amnesia: This poor guy on TV felt lost, scared and depressed. He doesn't know who he is or where he came from. He didn't know hs name or what he does for a living. Or even if he knows how to drive. He was on TV asking if anyone recognized him if they would call people he knows and come to help him. How frightening is that? To not even recognize your spouse or closest friends. As it turns out he does have a finance' who recognized him. He will be getting medical help. He says there was no drugs involved. I'm sure many brain tests will be done to try to determine why he suddenly forgot "everything" including a sense of self and identity. According to his finance' is name is Jeffry Engram, a 40 year old from Denver. The police have confirmed this.

Just to note: Way to go Hillary: She is leading according to the polls by 60 percent>

Republicans are in BIG TROUBLE

I wonder about events leading up to 9 11. You know the whole thing could have been orchestrated to get us into war; into Iraq to protect the oil field there by Haliburton (Cheney's corporation).

A few thousand lives satisfied would mean nothing to them. Call oral damage its called. Hello! Vietnam? More than 3,000 soldiers have died already in Iraq.

Yeah, oil is big business; well, to the republican corporations it is. Auto, oil and government all in cahoots.

We have a broken government and broken borders. An estimated 3,000 a day. And the government looks the other way because the corporations want it that way; the corporations that run the government. They want cheap labor and the government wants the votes. For five years we have had open borders.....might as well call it that! So, where is the national security the government bragged about?

The government is make up of a bunch of war mongers and business men who want to get more rich.

If the republicans win in the up and coming elections, I will be convinced that it is rigged. Americans are beginning to speak out because they are being effected by poor management of the government. Jobs being outscourced and shipped overseas.

The republican administration has failed the middle class and have this country 43 Trillion dollars in debt! We are deep in debt to China, (Communist China), Japan, Mexico (do you think that is why we are letting millions of Mexico's President Fox citizens slipped into this country per year...since 2001? Ever since 9 11 01..

By the way, have you ever bought anything that was not made in China? China is where our manufacturing has gone! Good middle class jobs have been shipped to India where they do good technicial work at a much lower salary.

You know that 9 11 01 terrorist attach was a major distraction for the republicans. Hey, it got Haliburton (gee, funny it was all ready to go to Iraq to protect the oil fields) quickly to Iraq. Saddam Hussein was not a threat; didn't even have nuclear weapons. If unclear weapons and not oil is the issue; how come we don't go after N. Korea. Trade sanctions is the way the United Nations is going on this. How cruel are we; those poor people there are already starving there.

A paperless route....beware!

It's high tech...electronic voting. And it will be all electronic. Foul play can happen. I predict the Republicans probably have it all sewn up. There is no paper route.

There is no national standard. The manufacturer of this machine says foul play, hackers and all; it can happen. Trust but verify the electronic machines by paper is suggested; but, it's not going to happen.

Eighty percent of voters will be using the machines. It's 2006 and there is a suspicion that we are not getting a straight count of these elections.. I believe, personally, that in 2000 the election count was fudged. Fixed! Whatever you want to call it. First clue, Gov Jeb Bush planted and ready in Florida.

Only 27 states will be using a paper trail. The rest of the states are open to fraud, mechanical error, click's, hackers, rigging's, fixings, breakdowns, computer reboot and just down right conspiracy. I believe the system can be manipulated. I believe that the republicans have the dishonesty enough to do it. After all they have lied to us.

The republican party plays on keeping you afraid. Oh the evil terrorist! I say "Oh, the evil republicans". Liars!

Watch CNN and see another point of view! Dare you to watch. Tune in any time of the day and someone is usually bashing Bush.

Raised to feel validated by helping others.

Especially women are raised to be care givers; that is there lot in life says the church (who rules society and government). In the bible women are secondary and servants with no rights. I found and kept a prayer book that specifically tell young girls how to be docile and obedient.

You get to at least vote on government issues but not on religious issues. So, I fear religion more than government.

And people are so typically brainwashed by priests and preachers...well by politicians too, and the media that they own much of!

You can't fight the system so you might as well join it.. and believe in the stuff they tell you to believe.

Of course, if I were a man, I would probably feel different.

Religion can beat us down and depress us..why, because we are taught that we are intrinsically evil and sinners doomed for hell if we don't strictly follow the rules. And even if we do follow the rules...we are never okay in the eyes of the church. They did you keep you beat down so you don't get any fancy ideas. I know! I was raised Catholic and it was the worse thing that ever happened to me.

There is no freedom...I was never okay. I could never do enough or be enough for others. I lost all drive and interest. I was never encouraged to follow my dreams. I had no dreams. I was numb to all emotion. I had no life I only pretended to like guys. I dated because I was supposed to and expected to go out with guys who had asked me out.

And that's another thing. A docile obedient female just sat there looking pretty and waiting for her prince charming to ask her out. She couldn't ask for it was not lady like. She was expected to sit on the side lines and cheer him on..in all his glory. She was expected to let him win and make him think he was smart. I can't tell you how many times I sacrificed my dignity and individualism by "letting" him win and making him think he was smarter. Oh yes, guys like me. My best answer was "sure", "okay", " I would love to" and "what a wonderful idea" or "oh, you are so smart" or "is that right?"

god, such bullshit, I had to pamper these pompous ignorant asses. Yeah, that was the first fucking forty years of my life. It sucked!

By the time I got to the "helping others" age of adulthood I was totally fed up with it. By the time I turned 50 I thought - fuck 'em all!

My mother tried to condition me to serve her all her years...it didn't take! I ended up fiercely resented her. I haven't spoken to her in about two years... I hope I never do!

Am I bitter? Do I feel robbed of my youth and my young adulthood? You bet! Am I resentful - for sure.

They say we all have a purpose? Maybe not. They also say in the spirit world that we plan our lives ahead of time before we come to earth. I'm still wondering why I would plane a life like the one I had. The only thing good about my life is that I am a lesbian.

I love women; a sweet woman who holds me in her arms and kisses my head after she makes love to me; and I to her before that..and then again. I am fulfilled.

I very much regret that I missed out so much on my youth. I was so in love with so many women and couldn't tell them. I thought I was the only one, the only lesbian. Even after I finally came out, I couldn't say the word for years. Yes, I thought I was the only lesbian in my county; well, at least a feminine one. The obvious butch dyke's were around. So sad some women still think they have to fit gender roles. Lesbian today are more middle of the road and dress very cute and are so adorable... I have crushed on women in late 20's and even 30's. It truly breaks my heart because I can never love them...I should have loved when my age matched their age. It makes me very sad.

I try so hold to hang on to my youth...I'm not ready to let go yet... I never got to have it.... and realizing that makes me so sad.

It breaks my heart. But, I came close last year in 05 when I dated a young woman who was mid thirties. I loved her very dearly. She brought life to my heart; however, the lovemaking was bitter sweet. Oh, it was wonderful but too, it reminded me of the wonderful things that I missed. It saddens my heart and makes me want to cry. But, it's gone now.. I can't get it back.

I can only plan my next life so much more efficient and better and make sure I get all my needs fulfilled and I swear I will never bend to anyone Else's wishes and rules and bullshit. The end result: I hate the church and have nothing to do with my family. I hate most men and think they are about as stupid (many of them) as they come. They can't multi-task and they think they know every fucking thing..my father and brother were like that. Like they fucking really now something. And always ready to preach and teach. It makes me want to puke.

My father was always belittling me and my mother never said for him not too. But, she would argue profusely with him on any of her issues such as monetary and social issues. She always insisted he do something that he didn't want to do. Of course, most times, he won out.

Life was no hard. I should not even think about it. I have sexual issues due to my childhood. Suddenly in the dept of lovemaking.. visions of a little girl, me dressed in a dress I had a picture taken in, pops into my mental vision. a little girl, me looking, down as a big old man with gray hair and red face sits very close and is nearing the hem of my dress. He wear a white collar and a black priest suit.

It's time to go to sleep, I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. I wish she was here to hold me; but, I can't tell her. If I break down, she won't want anything to do with me; a little something I have learned from the past. Don't get emotional or share your feelings.

Before I go to help my friend paint some more...

I just wanted to release a little steam about drivers. See I was out there running today..on the sidewalk and sometimes I cross the street and past in front of drive ways. It seems that I am invisible! Yes, I want to make eye contact with you before I past in front of your vehicle. I want you to know that I am about to step in front of your five thousand pounds of metal and steel and 125 horsepower motor. I see you looking all over except at me. I realize that most people are not familiar with running or biking themselves, so they do not see us. Most people cannot see what they do not understand.

At least use your signal light, so I have a clue as to what might be going on inside your head. And please why the tinted side windows? Just want are you planning on doing in that truck or car? I need to see your face, your eyes in order to know if it is safe to step in front of you. I usually don't. I never do without making eye contact. Most people immediately just pounce on the gas pedal without looking from side to side.

What else. Oh yeah, in rush house why do you lag so far behind the car in front of you; just enough so I can't make the light. That's rude! Keep up with the car in front of you.

There is a rhythm n the flow of the traffic, find it! Well, never mind. I have it! You'll never have it. You are not intuitive or in touch with the outside world. We should operate like a well orchestrated concert..in sync!

It's see what else. Remember to think about the real issues that effect YOU in the up and coming election. Does me getting married bother you? Why? I pay my damn taxes and I should be legally able to get all the benefit offered to me that you do. The sanctity of marriage my ass! More than 50% fail and second marriage fail just as badly if not worse. What's it to you anyway if I and another woman get married. It's none of your damn business. I can't believe that you do not think for yourself and listen to all this bullshit by the government and religions. They just want to distract you from the real issues. Gee, your easy, too!

I was born gay and god doesn't make mistakes only the self written bible of man does. They wrote it the way THEY wanted it and your falling for all that crap! The republicans tell you just what you want to hear and you fall for all that crap. At least KNOW that you are being made a fool of!

It's All So True!...

October 20: An intense passion has been released within you, dear Libra. You find it hard to resist the urge to take your loved one and run away with him or her to some deserted island. You could use a break from civilization. But if you can't quite make it to that island, how about creating an oasis right in your own home? Order some food from your favorite restaurant, bring it home and enjoy an intimate evening with your partner.

The above is my horoscope for today! It fits perfectly!

I Wonder Why?

I wonder why I choose to be born when I did and to "those" parents! Why, was I so hard on myself? I was born gay and my first really exciting fulfilling sex with a women was when I was 57. Why did I do this to myself. She was 35. I truly loved her! She was very good for me.

See my only regret was that I never got to experience the love and softness of a woman when I was in my 20's and 30's. God, I was hurting. Here I was so in love with women, but they never ever knew..because I kept it so hidden and they were so straight. Same sex wasn't even mentioned in our group of men and women who I hung around with. And pretty soon they all paired off and got married and I was left behind; knowing I would be left behind forever.

When I was forty, it seems a good time, to get together with someone..we were very compatible in all ways but one. Guess which one?

So, after 15 years and an embarrassing crush on a doctor..younger then me of course. I came to my senses and made big changes in my life. My ex and I remain good friends. And that is probably why we could; we were always good friends...much more so than lovers.

So, universe help me out here. I know that I am in control of my universe but I think about her too. I want what is best for both of us. In the mean time please keep her safe and sound and healthy and loved.

I have no idea why this was the best I ever had. The universe is an amazing place. And I am oh so happy.

So, I write to try to decipher and connect the dots of events. But, then I think maybe it's not necessary to connect these dots and find the true reason. Just be happy and enjoy and don't look back..and thank the universe.

Thank You!

I owe the universe - big time! I created my own reality..and asked that it be magical and it was. I am free.

The universe helps us when we ask...

I want to thank the universe! I want to thank you all, for all of my many gifts, blessings and magical moments. For my good health, inner power, wisdom of wealth and happiness. Life is magical!

And universe for your help, with the magical moments. For putting us in the right place at the right time.

Now take care of that little one. She is very special to me. Please keep her safe. Make it magical! Let me help her if I can. Give us something special! If it's wise. I don't know? I need a little help on this one. I'm concerned for her and want only what is best.

I better get my rottweiler out side......later.

So, keep that in mind when in my subconscious I create my reality...only if it's right and only if it's good for both of us.

We interrupt this entry with a bulletin: Cardinals are going to the World Series in Detroit Saturday night! Man, it went down to the last strike...the pitcher had the bases loaded! And the Mets' best batter was up at bat! Wow! a real heart stopper!

Eureka

Eureka! Is all I can say! Wow! I'm flying high or am I content as can be! Finally, I let myself go!

I do think that I was molested as a child....I'm working with it! I'm doing better! Even with the slight flashbacks! Today I saw in my mind a little dress. I looked down while he was there, a big old grayed hair man of authority. I looked down, it was lifted up this little plaided dress. Plaided..more like the colors of a kilt! The material feels rough. the colors red, mostly with a little gold. I might have had my picture taken in that dress. White socks with little line of ruffles at the ankle. Black pat-ton leather shoes. Shiny! It's a priest. The little room is dark with little lights near the floor that shine on his dark clothes and the white around his neck stands out as he leads slightly forward and over. Hands down..moving. The priest says in catechism class that it's a sin to touch yourself down there! And later in the darkened room talks about this.. further. Is it fact or fiction? Does it matter - do I? I'm working through it! Now, it's just a matter of trust!

I trust her! She's very kind; very sweet. She is easy to be with and is very loving.

I tell her my regret that I missed my 20's and 30's; that I should have been with women then. I missed so much. "There's a reason for everything; you've learned so much". She says. She doesn't really realize that my heart first sang last year. I was 57. I missed so much I realized then!

"But, I still have crushes on young women!" I say. And it hurts..I continue on saying inside silently. "Well, you look young" She compliments me. It's just an emotional burden I carry inside...these little crushes.

Nothing mattered back then. There was too much cruelty and abuse. Kids should be seen and not heard is what I was taught. Be quiet and listen.

Is it a matter of trust? This utopia! This high. This release! She's very kind. I trust her. She is very loving. She is very easy to be with...a blessing.

The universe put us together...one day. I had this urge to be in this place at this particular time and she was there. She some how let me know how she felt...what she was missing. Me too! I was missing the same thing. In fact, I had only a few moments earlier urgently prayed for the same thing. Within 24 hours we were together again...and it works for us. What we have...it works for us.

We don't put a name, a title, a time, a time limit to it. We just take it a week at a time.. and see where it leads us. I'm committed to being alone....I have to be...maybe forever. We both have our unique situations. And for some reason this works for us.

Religion and Dominance are the Evils We Face!

I believe we come into the world as innocent souls, spirits. And then ignorant religious fanatics come along and screw your life up.

What happens to people? What influences here on earth while growing up fucks them up so much? The church? Abuse by parents and other adults that it is perpetuated through generations. Is that it?

Is it the testosterone hormone that runs rampid in a male's veins? Why do men want to dominate and kill?

Why are some women so evil? Just what happens to these souls that come into the world as loving free spirits?

Are we continued and trained by life's events? Like Dogs! Dogs are not born to attack and kill; they are taught by evil men to attack and kill. Its' the same with babies.

I came here into this world as an innocent being. I was born gay! Actually, now that I'm a practicing lesbian I love being gay. And I am sorry and regret the years I wasted trying to act straight. But, life, my home life such ed the very desire to live right out of me. I hide or kept my emotions dormant for forty years. I had no desire to have children..I love children now and see the treasure and wonder in them. They are precious. All life is precious now that I have separated myself from my family and that evil sick mentality they process. I hope I never see them again! None of them! My eyes cannot see them.

Finally I"m free of them; of the past! The horrid past! I am so free now. I am on my own finally! I am gone away from their selfish, cruel, dominating, manipulating, acting fucking helpless ways. I hope they think that I am nuts; because the thinking is mutual. Personally, I don't care what they may think of me. I just don't want anything to do with them. They are selfish and self-serving and ignorant! The universe has come to my rescue.

Never once had they supported or acknowledged my life style and I'm not the only gay member of the tribe there are at least two more. They act like a couple of hypocrites and they kiss the rest of the families asses. As if they themselves do not count. As if everyone else is more important. The men are ignorant and the women are fucking blind and fucking righteous minded.

Oh come on...Foley...and Catholics are everywhere

you are just gay! Or are you a pervert? Anyway no one is believing your flimsy excuses. Alcohol problem? I don't believe that there are any witnesses to your alcohol abuse problem. Too many people have watched you nurse a drink for hours at a party. Try another excuse!

Oh, okay. This is good! You were abused one time in the sixties by a priest. But, I'm sure the priest is dead by now, so he can't defend himself or confirm your allocation. Frank Anthony Mercieca has been found. He lives on an island somewhere. "I don't know what made him so mad after forty years." Says the Priest. At the time Foley was between 13 and 15 years old. Mercieca said he was sorry Foley was offended by anything that may have happened between them. He said he doesn't remember that at one time he took medication, tranquilizers and alcohol and don't remember. So the priest appears contrite and apologetic. Right now Foley is in rehab for alcohol. Yeah right! Excuses! Excuses! No excuses you were trying to pick up a teenager. Foley you are at fault! Stop trying to blame everyone and everything else and take full responsibility for your actions.

Mark Foley, don't you realize your excuses are not very convincing at all. Anyway, common sense who rule here. Why pick on boys that young; at least try to get them at a legal age.

Changing the subject! Then there is this issue of illegal abortion situation in Portugal. Abortion for rape in Portugal in legal. But, until the law is changed and the power of the Catholic church is dispelled abortion is illegal. Many women go to Spain, but not the poor ones; they are forced to go to back street allies to get abortion and many end up in the hospital or dead. Thank you almighty think you are god catholic church. Oh the church think it is unlawful to take another human being's life yet they are in full favor of murder during the act of war!

It's all about control people! Control! The old white bucks just want to place god and throw their weight around. We are mighty! You are weak and a peon and we will rule you and dominate you and tell you what you can or cannot do. Or we'll throw your ass in jail. So, in Portugal where the government and the people want to make abortion legal, the omnipotent Catholic church wants to rule over the people.

In my opinion its a matter of conscious. Some people cannot afford to rise another child. So, hello Catholic church does this mean you are willing to pay for the support and rising of a growing child.

Did you know that ....

at least thirty lobbyist are related to politicans. See how lobbyist groups win over members of Congress and Senators?

Gas is low in price. The stock market hit a record high of 12,000. The stock has indeed helped Americans gave some of there American dream.

Is all this tied according to economist thoughts that when housing is down. The stock market is up and will make people want to go out and shop.

The DOW industrial was up 12,000; and the only market that is. It took seven years to gain one thousand points. This is steady growth. But, to average investor it's a snails pace.

Your gullible and stupid!

I have just about given up on some of these people. They are part of the shrinking middle class but too stupid to see that Bush and company is making fools of them. Don't they watch CNN?

Bush pretends that he is right there with the Christians (to get their votes - you knucklehead!). But, he lies to them too.

I was watching Lou Dobbs in Kansas City, MO. and god people are so gullible and misguided. Like this one fat white guy says (he's the father of five - nice Christian white boy) I would vote on issues that I believe in such as economical and health issues but the same candidates are for abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage. So, I can't vote for them because of there moral issues. Now, see how this stupid idiot fell right into Bush's hands. This is exactly what Cheney, Bush, Carl Rove had in mind when they designed their political strategies. I guess you could say these guys are brilliant because they have sure pulled one over on the middle class of, especially the Midwest.

The Midwest is one of the places in America that 1/3 of the high school students DO NOT graduate from high school. And Stupidity breeds stupidity. As a society we are not progressing at all. Americans are dumbing down! And Bush's education plan (no child left behind) is not working. Segregation never worked. Get with the program and create state of the art inner city schools. Stop busing them.. Besides if inner city schools were good enough more middle class people with children would make their home in urban instead of suburban areas.

By god, demand that your government does RIGHT by you! You are the tax payer. The one who pays your taxes...now only to fork out funds for health, housing and aid to illegal immigrants and legal immigrants and other poor people. The way the government - republican - government is going soon you will join them - the POORl because you are too stupid to read between the lines and to realize just what bullshit the republicans are handing you. Maybe you should have stayed in school!

I have nothing against them - Latinos are very good workers. They are hard working. But, they are ruining the economy and taking jobs, health care and housing away from people already living here. Isn't it bad enough that Bush allows big corporations to out-source your job overseas? Just how stupid are you! In areas where there are high populations of Latino immigrants, hospitals cannot afford to stay open and operative and have CLOSED. Did you know that.

Have you saved for retirement - because social security won't be enough to live on? Lou Dobbs says that 50% of people near retirement do not even have $50,000. saved for retirement. They will be working until their dying day. Or until they get sick and the little if any insurance coverage they have - bails on them totally. by bailing I mean the insurance company decides they will not cover all of the claims that you have. And Bush let's these companies (because he is strictly for big business) get away with this and you let him; because all Bush (laughing all the way to the bank) knows that all he has to do is throw moral issues at you (like he is so god like) such as abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage. Just how does any of these really affect you? Well, stem cell research made save you from Parkinson's disease, Lupus, certain cancers, alhemizers and more. So just how stupid are you?

Just where is our so-called government. Iraq is a distraction from the real issues. Abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage is another distraction and a guide to lead you away from the real issues THAT DO effect your everyday life. So over look a candidates moral opinion and vote for the one who will give you better schools, affordable and non-bailing insurance plans. I have realized this evening that even if a family has insurance, that insurance company limits coverage. Or increase deductibles or rising premiums for no good particular reason..accept to save them money and rip you off.

And why can't gay couples be legally married. What it to you? They are tax payers too and on that mere fact along, they deserve the right to marry and receive all of the same benefits as your sorry ass! Well, just keep being easily fooled and soon all of your straight marriage tax deduction and benefits will cease. Why? Because sooner or later, the republicans will trick you into cutting your social benefits just so they can save money.

Just how many ways from Sunday can I tell you so you get it! Bush and company cares nothing about you, the middle class or the poor. He and they, only care about the rich and big business. Stop being made a fool of. And stop being so stubborn - open your eyes, open your mind and learn something.

Stop concentrating on the moral issues such as abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage and look at the real issues that present a clear and present danger if they are not considered.

Stop acting like sub-normal kids and look at how you are being tricked! You are being made a fool of, if you vote on issues for mere moral issues. Look at what the candidate has done for you. As your candidate accepted big oil money, or big corporation contributions. Whom, they will be faithful to; not to you! You will receive false promises.

The border has not been boarded up because Bush wants 12 million are more illegal immigrants here accepting very cheap labor to do the agricultural and other jobs. In this day an age, naturalist citizens cannot be particular in accepting and finding jobs. And if you have one you better hang on to it.

I'll end on a good note! The stock market hit a 12,000 high today. That's okay by me. Oh, is it planned to, because elections are near. Homes sales are declining however. Just as the gas prices are lower - is it because the election is right around the corner?

CEO's of big business, Bush and company, and oil companies will enjoy the American dream! But, will you? Go to CNN.com and read the emails regarding the American dream. Here is one example....

From CNN email: "The American dream? Is that the one about owning a home, sending your children to college, a one-income family, retiring at 65, and traveling to see the world after that? I DON'T THINK SO! It sounds wonderful and too good to be true. How about just purchasing/owning a home, not in California's Central Coast, but where I can afford? There are no jobs. We both work, as does our daughter, and she works five days a week and is paying for her college, and taking four classes. My dream of home ownership is slipping away; although owning (and hopefully succeeding) in business ownership is a lot closer than home ownership. ( I removed the writers name)."

John McCain believes straight marriage only

Well, he won't get my vote in 2008. Frankly I don't like the guy. John McCain (with Chris Mathews of Hardball in a live discussion) at Iowa State University said he was for the sanctity of straight marriage and was against homosexuals being married. There was loud booing when he said this. Thumbs up for the college students; they have more sense then these backward Christian old white haired men. Get with it McCain! Hey McCain, I'm a tax payer how dare you not give me the same right to tax shelters and benefits as straight married people.

On CNN Tucker show Mark Foley got no sympathy saying he was abused by a priest as an alter boy. Yeah, I bet he names a "dead" priest. And why wait 40 years? Oh and then Foley says he has a drinking problem. Yeah right! The guest journalist on Tucker said he has seen he nurse a drink for hours at a party. That's the Republican way - always blame someone else. Numerous times the republicans have blamed Clinton for the attack on 9 11 and everything else. Yeah right! Clinton depleted the national debt and Bush got it up to 7 trillion in six years. Way to go Bush (and cronies).

Is it really necessary to scream commercials at me? I'm appalled and irate and getting down of turning down my TV every fucking time a commercial comes on. I swear to you that I will not buy any of these products...zero! None! How dare Charter cable ram this shit down my throat! It's rude! Have you no fucking manners? I live in a condo complex and Charter, the cable company, deliberately lowers the sound of the program and screams the commercials at you.

Also, I believe all that information revealed in David Kuo's "Tempting Faith". The Bush administration betrayed the Evangelical Christians and only used them to obtain the republican vote. The white house has a Faith Alliance coalition in which David Kuo headed and one time so he knows just what went on. Bush seduced the Christian voter!

Really, a small minority think that abortion is immoral. I believe it is a personal choice and none of any one 's business. It's between the pregnant woman and her conscious and I don't care how old she is...it's no body's else business. Many times parents have a selfish excuse when they tell the young parent girl to abort or give the child up for abortion. I think it should be up to the pregnant young woman. I think Christians should mind their own business.

Tucker on CNN showed crude Rosie on The View with Bill O'Reilly and demanded how HE was going to get us out of Iraq? Then she tells all the women in the audience, as she squeezes her boob that mammograms don't hurt. She looked like a Buddha sitting next to tiny, hidden in the shadows, the true host of "The View", Barbara Walters. Frankly! Yes, even though Rosie is a lesbian, I'm ashamed to admit, I think Barbara Walters should ditch Rosie. She is crude and rude and towering over Barbara and taking over the show. She does just what she wishes like giving Barbara a surprise birthday bash when Barbara distinctly requested not have one on TV. "The View" use to be feminine and eloquent but big, fat, loud, crude, rude Rosie thinks it's her show alone. I'm sure "The Views" ratings will plummet.

Congress is out of touch with us not with oil

Eighty percent of Americans agree that the government is for big business not the middle class which is dying. If you don't have a college degree you are tough out of luck.

Last night I learned of a friends fifty year old smoking brother-in-law who joined his wife in the non-employed portion of Americans. But, this guy (what was he thinking, in today's job market) quit, only because his employers said he could not smoke on company property. Now, he can't even afford cigarettes. His wife already quit to care for the grand-daughter because her mother could not afford day care? Does that make sense. Maybe grandmother should have kept HER job and just paid for the daycare?

The guy had twenty years of service and was making between $25. - $30. dollars an hour! How foolish! Guess what they are doing now...cashing in the 401K. And if he was not eligible for full pension..he won't get it! That is if the company even offered a pension. Besides that, I'm sure word got around and even if he wanted a job in the same type of company..he is probably banned.

Just how stupid are these people? Did this man think he could quit just because his wife did? What was he thinking. These are the people who run up their charge cards and are merely a month away from being homeless; because they live month to month.

If this guy uses up his 401K (plus about 30% penalties [20% penalty and 10% early withdrawal fees]) they will find that they will be probably be working minimum wage jobs (if she can find them) for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. Because they probably won't find as good as jobs as he had so they will probably be working just as many, or many more hours a day and week and making a quarter or a third less money. Probably, now realizing his stupidity, he is filled with dread and will probably get sick next. I'm sure within 30 days they will no longer have health insurance either.

Do you know that most middle class people do not have health insurance and are one illness or a pregnancy away from bankruptcy? Ignorance is not bliss, in today's economical society. Do your homework...get insurance. Get a job that provides group insurance, you will save money. Most individual insurance premiums cost about $500. per month. Yes! And isn't it sad; that the government stamped out the Clinton's universal health care plan. Gee, we haven't heard mention of none of that have we. The Clinton's got the national debt down to zero and Hillary wanted to sign a bill that would provide national health insurance. But, the republican house keep every one in America distracted with trying to impeach Clinton by setting him up; by providing a "loose" woman to work in his presence. Yes, he was stupid, but what man isn't around a young thing and the republicans counted on that.

Do we want to be as poor as the people in India? Women in India are becoming surrogate mothers to American parents to provide money for their families and it's okay with the husbands. I feel so sorry for these women. How can a woman carry a baby and then give it up. I feel so sorry for them. Anyway, think about who you vote for this November! Washington are allowing businesses to ship their good well paying jobs overseas and only leaving the low paying jobs here. I believe in this country we have more low paying service jobs than anything; people barely making minimum wage (around five bucks). Congress voted against rising minimum wage because businesses say it will hurt them financially and they will have to lay people off. That's a poor excuse in my reasoning.

I just can't imagine the stupid government of ours setting up a poor excuse for us to go to war with Iraq for oil.. To stop terrorist? Oh come on! I wouldn't put anything past the people in Washington (the corporation lobbyist who are really running the show). Just who was really behind 9 11? Look at Vietnam how senseless that was and for about ten years the government and big corporations influencing government got wealthy. Everyone knows war is great for the economy. But, you really can't tell that, since we are about 7 trillion dollars in debt and are indebted to Mexico (how suspicious is that?), China, Japan, and India (how suspicious is that?). Funny the good paying jobs are outsourced to India and we are getting daily illegal cheat labor from Mexico that businesses don't have to pay benefits are taxes on. And can pay less than minimum wages. Oh what a sad situation these old white haired men (filled with greed) have us in. Just how much money do politicans and CEO's need. Actually, I think it is not about the money, it's about "making more than another" and being king of the hill.

What if suddenly all these men turned into women are their estrogen level rose as high as a woman's? Would the world be better off? It's a good premise for a book I think. It is nature for men to want to conquer, manipulate, preach and teach and won and fight and be king of the king. Women are more loving and want to get along and will do anything for their children. These men who are leaders of countries and leaders of war care nothing about women and children - in fact rape and kill them for no good reason except to conquer. They are animals! Just what kind of blood runs in their veins? All over the world, men are fighting one another and killing innocient people! And most of them doing so in the name of god and justice! What ever happen to really being godlike and charible and loving one another. Oh, they only preach that principle and wouldn't think of living by their words. People! We need more women in leadership rolls who will not be influenced by men; but, think for themselves.

They predicts sun today..

but we got rain instead...so now I have to reset my thoughts and mood. I was all set to run and bike in the warm sunshine. Yet, here I sit mid-morning blogging away.

I need to go to the store, then go to the gym to swim and workout. I have yoga this evening. But, too, I want to watch the ball game and watch the Lou Dobbs (from Kansas City) show about the shrinking middle class.

I'm worried about how she feels and thinks about me. I hope I didn't lose her trust by making an ass of myself and kissing her cheek. I embarrassed her. I have no good excuse. I acted on impulse. I'm not worried about my feelings for her. She's precious! I care very much. I think she is adorable, that's all. But, I was think I'm concerned because of her reaction. I surprised her and embarrassed her. I just don't want her to lose her trust in me.

Now, I have a lot more life under my belt. If someone, a friend, would have kissed my cheek like that I think I would have just embellish and treasured the sign of affection...just cause your so cute! I apologized right away! It was innocent! Actually, I went to whisper in her ear because of the noise and her cheek was right there and before I knew it..

I had a couple drinks a little too fast and I know that contributed to my lack of judgement..I know that is no excuse. I just feel very bad that I embarrassed her. She seems okay now; I'll know if she never includes or invites me to join her again.. I'm debating if I should say something or not. I have time to decide. I won't see her again for a few days. I think she's okay... I hope so!

Well, I need to get my butt moving....a day without exercise....I can't do that...I need to move. My body is shaping up very nicely and I'm losing the gut. I love it. And the running, cycling, swimming, and working out of weight machines are doing an excellent job and keeping me youthful. Remember my dream is to look youthful.. very youthful. Hey, I'm in control of my universe and reality. And I say that I am looking good!

Now, I need to go quickly to the store, but I'm in a "no spending money" mode - finally! I'm buying soup, bread and desert. Maybe so sliced turkey for sandwiches too. Lettuce and tomato too.

Rainy Day..

I woke up to the sound of heavy rain this morning so I drove the the gym to swim and then work out on weight, bicycle and treadmill machines. I did so yoga stretches this evening after I helped L paint with a friend. We got two rooms primed.

Now, I'm watching Anderson Cooper's 360 show about the population of America turning 300 million. Forty-six million middle class American are without health insurance. Health care cost is a reason most Americans file for bankruptcy. It cost 20,000. to have a baby and that is without complications. So many Americans are uninsured. Health care cost are sky rocketing while wages are stagnant. The growing number of uninsured is becoming an American crisis. A woman was pregnant and found she could not get an insurance. She was suppose to already have insurance for a year according to the insurance provider before she got pregnant. But, she was told she would never get pregnant by doctors but did anyway. Her problem, since she was already pregnant she couldn't get insured.

I think many Americans do NOT realize that you can't get insurance "after" the fact. That is if you are middle-class; people below the poverty line with nothing can get medicare to pay for their injuries or illnesses.

Here's the problem: The middle class is shrinking and so less money is pumped into the system to provide for Medicare and other federal funding. What happens if the whole nation is below the poverty level? Who will be working and making enough money in the way of federal taxes, to provide Medicare if 75% of the people need aid.

These are serious issues that our present government does not care about, because our present government works for the insurance industry and other large corporations which have funded the Republican party in time of elections. The present government owes the lobbyist in a big way. Missouri senator Talent has excepted big money from the oil industry so now he owes them, so any bills he approves of will be in their favor. So, he down plays environmental concerns and health concerns. Someone has to speak for the people and try to change Washington to vote for bill in favor of the people of this country, all 300 millions of them. In just 33 years the population has raised 100 million. Every three seconds an immigrant enters this country, they get medicare benefits because they are poor.

And what about stem cell research? Why are Evangelist Christians apposed to stem cell research when stem cell research can cure diseases and help heal spinal cord injuries? Why are Christians more afraid of the possibilities of cloning and abortion? Personally, I don't think they have done their homework. It sounds like conservative, backwater logic to me!

Personally, I'm a spiritualist and I am quite frankly am getting sick and tired of Christians thinking they know everything when in fact some of the stuff they preach and promote doesn't make sense at all. And why would anyone or anyone group live by an old book of ancient beliefs. Common sense tells you that it wouldn't apply to modern day life anyway? Besides at the time the "bible" was written (by humans 'men' I might add) it was written for those times. Women and children had no rights. Men fought against each other for status of power and murder and death ran ramp id. I cannot image anyone following these ancient writings by no other than ordinary males of the the time. Why?

I am a spiritualist and do not belong to any organized religion that merely wants my money and my head count so they can look powerful. Why? Everything I have and need is inside me. I am the power within to create my reality and plan my day and watch as magical moments unfold convincing me that I can truly plan my day. Our souls/spirits/ our heart live many life times if we choose. Our spirit never dies but lives from one lifetime to the next. We are here to learn, teach and love. Personally, I believe organized religions are mere scams for monetary gain and power through manipulation and untruths. The church preaches against homosexuality and has made life miserable for them. Why? The church is filled with homosexuals. Why are they such hypocrites? It's all about control people. They can't be almighty gods, and leaders if they do not have some poor sap to first of all push down and make them think they are wrong and sinful. All that is so they can declare that the "sinner" needs fixing. Of course, if you give the church money, they can fix you.

It's amazing to me that people cannot see through this bogus major untruth. There is so much evil in the world and most of it is religiously led. All we need to survive and strive on earth is a pure loving heart and weren't you born with one? We come into the world innocent. I know I did. I was born gay. I had love in my heart. And then came along by religious parents, who although marched to church every Sunday, were the most unloving evil people I ever met. All my relatives were unhappy and cold as ice. Why? Because religions and war broke their spirits down. Oh yes, they obeyed the priests and pastors. We were taught that expressing loving emotions was WRONG, weak and sinful. Why? Just so religions could CONTROL and show might.

When I was a kid in religion class I learned that children were born evil and had to have the meaness beaten out of them. There was no hugs or kisses. My father thought that the very word of "love" was stupid. They believed in nothing but hard work. My childhood was so painful that it seems another life time away, yetI bare the scars. I try to bury the memories that have created self-doubt and difficulties in relationships and cheated me out of loving someone of the same sex. I missed my 20's and 30's and that is the most painful part of my sad memories. I should have been happy and in love with "her"..but I had to bury those feelings and try to love "him." Because the church (and therefore society - who can't think for themselves) said loving her was wrong. NO WAY! I couldn't do it. I was in such emotional pain. Society and the church forced ME to live a live for the first 40 years of my life! NOT FAIR and I am angry and feel cheated! I was cheated! All the pain I endured because of stupid, stubborn, ridiculous teachings by a few old white men who feel they must manipulate and control and conquer and destroy. I lived in heart ache all my life. I don't think a god (and truly I believe there is NONE [made up by men who want to be gods]) truly exists. Spirituality teaches us that WE ARE ALL GODS and that the power lies within each and everyone of us. WE HAVE BEEN FOOLED and made FOOLS of. It's time for an awaken!

The bible was written that women should be subservient to men. Oh come on! That there alone tells you human men wrote this atrocity of falsehoods. Yet, people are so broken and needy they have to believe in something. Well, believe in YOURSELF. YOU ALONE HAVE THE POWER WITHIN! You are the one with the power! Of course they don't want you to believe that...then they can't control you and think for you! Like most men who want to dominate women by preaching, teaching and controlling them all the time.

Why should your life be a continuous series of rainy days when it can be bright and beautiful and created by you. You have more power within than any organized make believe so called religion. It's time you realized that!

Praying and a Little Worried

October 15Dark, depressing dreams could plague your sleep tonight, dear Libra, probably alternating with silly ones that make you laugh out loud. You could wake in the morning totally confused by these images, and your tendency might be to dismiss them. Don't do this, however. Your dreams are trying to tell you something about yourself. Have you had your emotional ups and downs lately? Have you alternately laughed and cried over something? Think about it!

I was a little thirsty and upset when I got to the meeting place. I drank my first two drinks rather quickly. I'm a ghost - people can see straight through me even gay ones from high distances. Life is a sham! I wonder how I will dream this evening.

I think she is okay with me. She said she would see me in a couple of days. Maybe she just got shy! I just didn't want to scare or embarrass her. It's the last thing I want to do. She's an angel and I love her.

I'm better now, it's evening! I am at home in my cozy condo that I love. Fire is crackling in the fireplace; it's dusk and beginning to rain. I'm catching up on recorded TV.

Was it magical? Or Foolish! Don't tell me!

Well, last evening, I know I prayed for a good time and asked that it be magical! Well, it didn't turn out so good!

I embarrassed her to the point where she couldn't look me in the eyes. I messed up! I kissed her on the cheek and took her by surprise! Mistake! She'll probably never speak to me again! Probably thinks I'm a pervert! The woman last summer did! No sense of humor..everyone is very easily offended. I don't think it would bother me, if someone kiss my cheek out of the blue and said. "You are so cute!" Then I left her alone. It wasn't like I was making a move. It was innocent! I guess I offended her - she couldn't look me in the eye.

Sometimes I wish I had a cold heart and just went after people for to use them! Wouldn't life be a lot easier? But, I honestly care, like a stupid idiot!

Now S when she sees me, hugs me and kisses my cheek. I love it! I love affection! It's just that, affection! I like you, I think your cute and I just want to kiss your cheek and hug you! FOR YOUR WHO YOU ARE! I'm not after anything.

I'd Rather Be Right Than Wrong ..

On this...that the economy and the stock market are up and gas prices are down due to the up and coming elections. As if the public doesn't have the where with all to figure this out! Cheney meets with energy people and doesn't tell us to was all invited to the party. Personally, I think the lobbyst are running the show.

Come on, America has seen what the GOP did to Clinton the moment he got into office. With tax payer's money, billions of it, they tried to dig up dirt and finally set him up with a fail proof young woman's temptation. He should have seen that coming! Wouldn't you know that the conservatives would choose the looses woman possible to put smack dab in front of him. For a Rhodes scholar he wasn't very smart in that area. Of course they don't teach you that in college and that thing has a mind of its own - I guess. Funny! She must have worked on him for a while until finally he caved. It all would make a great movie.

Speaking of movies, "Man of the Year" is a great political tongue in cheek comedy with seriousness and even suspense. I highly recommend it because Robin Williams as the comedian elected president speaks a lot of truth through satires as all comedians do. If you listen closely, you will hear a lot of truth being spoken through those jokes.

I think the American people are finally wising up; well, the ones who want to listen and learn. There are still many out there too trusting who are trying to live in the past and simply cannot believe that their president who send their love ones off to war over oil. Or, that the government is in cahoots with the auto and oil industry and that the lobbyist have them wrapped around their fingers at the expense of the average American tax payer.

What happens when the middle class dwindles down to match the poor class because all the middle class jobs have been shipped over seas? What happens when so many immigrants come to work for next to nothing? What happens to our economy then? I wonder?

We have a global economy now, it's new and has never been to this extent before. This is all new territory. So, just where is the tax base. Is IBM making more profits with it's buildings and workers in other countries and selling the USA short? You know they are going to go where profits are the greatest. Big corporations are not loyal to the USA. Why should they be? They are out to make money for the stock holders.

What about the other countries whose governments have their countries in chaos, like Africa, N. Korea and more. Should women come in and straighten out the mess men have made? The men are too busy punching and fighting and killing each other to see what they are doing to their women and children and their infrastructure. Frankly, I don't think they even care; they just want to fight! Look at Israel and Paksitan! These men are not happy unless they are killing each other. I say get rid of the men! I think a bunch of women, without male influence, (unlike Queen Elizabeth of old) should run the show. Women would get this house straightened up and the finances too.

But, men want to rule, dominate, conquer, and kill and be king of the hill so they push women side and hold them down and walk all over them. Know you know why men have kept equal rights away from women. Sixty years ago women had no rights, children diffinitely not. Women need to organize and get on board. It seems to me that the men are doing a lousy job. But, women are so easily influenced by men and were taught (by men of course) threw the centuries that men are superior in everyway. Actually, men only stomped out the competition; you know, like the Christains and Catholic have done for centuries. Kill the empty! Women need to open their eyes and unite.

So what is wrong with this picture? And why don't straight women vote for women? Why are they so petty. Through the centuries women have turned on their own instead of uniting. Women could have ruled!

Cool but sunny..

It felt very cold out this morning when I walked my rottweiler so it took awhile for me to talk myself into running. But I did!

I wore shorts and a short sleeve shirt covered by a long sleeve shirt and gloves. Within two miles I had the long sleeve shirt tied around my waist and the gloves off. It was 38F degrees and sunny. But I was running and building up a heat.

I ran to the gym where I swam for thirty minutes then worked on the weight machines until I hair dried enough to get back out there. By then it was just a little warmer. I had a great run back too. I think my total mileage was about ten.

I guess it wore me out, because when I got back home I sat down on the couch for a second and after I got finished eating I dozed - for about an hour, I guess. But, woke up refreshed and ready to go.

This evening I went with friends to see "Man of the Year" which turned out to be a great movie. Robin Williams is great in it and so is Laura Linney.

I had a wonderful week and I am looking forward to the weekend. In the morning I'll see B-bop. I missed her today. I just missed her, that's all. I hope to join her and friends more during the week...I had such a great time this past week!

Tomorrow promises to be another bright sunny day. I love my Saturday mornings with the group. They are like family to me.

The universe is being magical and kind to me granting many wishes. I feel blessed! I am appreciative for all my good fortunes of health, monetary blessings, wisdom and wonderful loving friends and loves. I thank the universe and everyone involved. I thank you for my friends too, in case they forget. Please keep them all safe and sound and free from injury and illness and crime.

And thanks again for granting me my wishes. Sometimes I think the universe speaks through my ex. Unknowingly she just gave me the go ahead to pursue a dream, a tender younger dream, perhaps. It will be magical I know - the universe will see to it! Good night!

Old White MEN

are such a pain! They head religions and every aspect of government. They think they are king of the hill - and must be the boss. They think they know everything and have to TEACH others. They are always preaching. They hate what they fear. They fear what they do not understand like women and homosexuals. Fear it - kill it! Stomp on it! Stomp it out!

Then suddenly they hit old age and begin to shuffle along as if they are returning to infancy. Regressing. I saw several examples within the last few days. It seems women fair better as they age. Men cannot multi task like women so when they get old they can not talk and eat at the same time. They become silent eaters. I always feel sorry for their wives. When she attempts conversation he goes "What?".

Men think they are god, look at Jerry Farewell saying those awful things about abortion and homosexuals on 9 11 01. What a fool!

I hate religion! It teaches war, murder, negativity and turns people against one another. Abortion is bad but war is okay? What's because Christains have sided with our corporations supporting government. They are all on cahoots. Just follow the money!

It's all about white male power and that is why women have been kept down for hundreds of years. Men have to be big shots and empowered and dominating others.

Notice how politicans' sons and daughter do not go to war and probably the reason for the end of the draft. What the government does not if offer people $20,000. to enlist. Enlistment officers roam the streets of Detroit and other dying cities pressuring and coercing young men and women to enlist. So, the government creats war for corporation profits and enlist the poor to fight them. So, money made at the cost of the poor.

The middle class is shrinking, the number of poor rising and the rich are getting richer.

Yes, white men want to hold on to their wealth and power. They want to keep their huge gas guzzling SUV's and mansions.

I'm sure you have realized that gas is under 2.00 and probably will be until after the November elections. Now, you still believe that auto, oil and government are not in cahoots?

North Korea's Kim Jung Ill is a prime example. Trying like hell to get everyone's attention. Men are nothing but dangerous big babies demanding attention.

"Temping Faith" by David Kuo is on sale now. It's how the government takes ADVANTAGE of Christians. The government promised to give church's charity breaks but it never happens.

These religious groups who are pro-Bush and Republicans are ignorant as to their purpose. They are being used and tricked with false promises for the shear fact of getting votes.

And these people home school and brain wash their kids reproducing ignorance! Teaching them to hate gays. And they do it all in the name of religion. These poor kids have to preach about the coming of Jesus - when I don't really think that their is a Jesus. The power lies within. WE have the power to create our own realities. We do not need religion telling us we are sinners. Religious leaders cannot be leaders if they have no broken down sinners to correct and train and preach to. Oh, and to take your money - thank you very much!