I watched Oprah today. Billionaire Bill Gates as vowed to better inner city schools that are falling apart in every way possible.
Oprah had several students switch schools; those from Naperville came into the city and those in the city went to Naperville. The kids from the inner city were very envious of the state of the art labs and computer rooms, gym, sports equipment, working showers and much more. There was more involved teaching and much more to learn.
The kids from the suburbs were appalled at the falling ceilings, broken toilets, and beat up sports equipment and junked computers that the inner city students had to deal with.
Later a high school valedictorian graduate top in her class was looking forward to medical school until she finally got there. she couldn't keep up. She had to learn the things she should have already known. She felt lost. Way out of her league she felt stupid. Our schools are failing our children of the inner city. They want to learn - give them a chance and decent buildings nad supplies and equipment to do it with.
A school in Shelbyville, Indiana had the largest drop out rate that the governor put into law rejected drivers license for any drop out student.
The drop out kids should learned they could not get anywhere beyond minimum wage without a high school GED and beyond.
No child left behind? Bush hasn't a clue. He wouldn't have a clue if it bit him in the ass.
This is an educational atrocity. America is riding on being number one in the world in education and economy. That is no longer true!
Hey Bush! You racist! Why is your government living in the racist 50's? You want to play god with stem cell research, abortion and women's bodies. It's none of your business what a woman does to her body! You are ruining the air we breath destroying our environment for future generations just to pay off the auto and oil industries. Your fix elections have gotten you over a barrel, an oil barrel. You're an idiot who thinks he is god! And you call yourself a christian. And I thought your wife was interested in seeing that students got a decent education? You both hide behind religion and falsehoods.
Religion is nothing more than a way to brain wash, dominate, exploit and control people; oh, and take their money! It's all bull shit!
The power lies within each and every one of us. Just keep that in mind. It's too bad when citizens have to take the government's job and do it right from the grass roots approach.
This is 2006 and our government, oil and auto industries are only interested to lining their pockets. They think nothing about ripping people off and have done so for years.
The auto industry built junk for cars with built in repairs to further align their pocket. Today's cars are still gas guzzlers to line the oil industries pockets. Now they both have their greedy little hands in Ethanol production and distribution.
Make sure you see "Whatever happened to the electric car?" Yes, after the gas crunch in the 70's the electric car just about got mass products but I'm sure the oil and auto industry had a hand to curbing that idea! They gave the electric car a back rap and people believed them. Just as the oil and auto industry said Ethanol was not cost effective (well not for the oil and auto people!).
American citizens have been suckered and taken advantage out and minorities have been cheated and exploited; that's our government for you - for the people by the people!
Bunch of crooks who can never get enough is what they are...
As a society we have not made any progress in the way people are treated neither in the states are around the world.
Look at the middle east! Wouldn't you just plain be tired of fighting, killing and wrecking everything. Jesus - they act like a bunch of fucking kids with guns, bombs and fighter jets. If the men want to kill each other fine but what is animal like is that they have no regard for their women and children. Evidently there is no value placed on women and children.
Mom as to come between the two fighting male children and slip it up. Everyone is getting hurt or killed and infrastructure wrecked because of male idiots and two captured guys.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Lots of exercise!
Whew! What a workout! I began my around the lake run at 5:40 AM and ran at least seven miles. At one point towards the end my competitive side reared it's ugly head. I guy ran up from behind and passed me then passed the two women ahead of me.
Later up ahead, I was him "walking". Yes, I'm very competitive and I gunned it and ran around the girls then sprinted ahead of him and onward not stopping to look back.
Ahead of him was a beautiful girl dressed in sports bra and tight shorts. Nice! I passed her too! I was trucking! My toes are a little sore for it! My knees are great! I had two donuts before I began my run and one after with a banana as I waited for my friend to arrive. When she got there we walked about seven miles. It was getting hot out!
Gunning it felt good!
Damn, I am getting sleepy again. I was up at 4:14 AM and took a little nap when I got back home at noon after I had stopped by the dealer's to get my oil changed and tires rotated and air filter changed. See that's the best part about taking your car to the dealer; they keep records and do what is needed to be done.
I took a nap when I got home and I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I was driving a little yellow convertible. I was alone in the car. I was stopped to make a right turn. And I suddenly couldn't see - at all! I hear a car coming from the left, so I waited. It seemed so weird. I looked to the left and it was dark..especially my left eye. I wanted to pull out to the right anyway; but thought better of it. I waited for horns to honk behind me. I decided to wish my vision to return and it did. I wished it and it came true. Then I woke up.
I wished my sight back.
Later up ahead, I was him "walking". Yes, I'm very competitive and I gunned it and ran around the girls then sprinted ahead of him and onward not stopping to look back.
Ahead of him was a beautiful girl dressed in sports bra and tight shorts. Nice! I passed her too! I was trucking! My toes are a little sore for it! My knees are great! I had two donuts before I began my run and one after with a banana as I waited for my friend to arrive. When she got there we walked about seven miles. It was getting hot out!
Gunning it felt good!
Damn, I am getting sleepy again. I was up at 4:14 AM and took a little nap when I got back home at noon after I had stopped by the dealer's to get my oil changed and tires rotated and air filter changed. See that's the best part about taking your car to the dealer; they keep records and do what is needed to be done.
I took a nap when I got home and I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I was driving a little yellow convertible. I was alone in the car. I was stopped to make a right turn. And I suddenly couldn't see - at all! I hear a car coming from the left, so I waited. It seemed so weird. I looked to the left and it was dark..especially my left eye. I wanted to pull out to the right anyway; but thought better of it. I waited for horns to honk behind me. I decided to wish my vision to return and it did. I wished it and it came true. Then I woke up.
I wished my sight back.
Bold move?
July 31Every now and then, we get to the point at which changing in small increments no longer works. Today is one of those days, dear Libra, when you realize that drastic, radical change is necessary. The trouble is, you may lack the audacity for it, in part because you fear how others will react. Don't worry, they are likely to applaud your efforts, as they see very well that your life has been needing a shakeup for a long time. Make a bold move, and you'll get the support you need.
Bold move? At the moment I have nothing in mind, but you never know what may pop up? I'm meeting my friend Liz to walk around the lake. But, first I'll get there an hour and a half earlier to run around the lake twice. So have to hustle and walk Emma first. She won't like it. It's dark yet and won't be getting light for about another hour. Of course, it will take me about 30 minutes to get there. Hopefully it's not creepy out there. If it is I won't stay but head back down the street until it's light enough and only run around one time before she gets there.
I'm very curious to see what will take audacity for me today to make a huge change. I hope it has nothing with a monetary effect. Maybe will will want to commit to the city by the bay. Her friend has invited her to stay for the gay rodeo events and I just happen to have frequent fl yer miles just sitting around. Yeah, I just sort of invited myself when she and I and two of her gay friends were at happy hour last Friday. I was kidding, but not, if you know what I mean.
Well better walk Emma, I want to leave by 5:00 AM. There should be predawn light enough for me to start the run about 5:30 AM.
Today I need to get my oil changed (only do it at the dealers to get well trained skilled service) because it is the last day on the coupon and I'm past due.
Better get going. It may take a while to roust the rotty. She is lazy and can e stubborn. Problem with that is, I just can't pick up her ninety pound mass and carry her off to get my way. I have to be sweet and reason. If I am demanding, she digs in deeper. Oh yes! I must use psychology on this one. She's 14. The next one will be a black cock er spaniel; or anything that is small and doesn't shed. As it is now, I have a constant clean up situation trying to control all of her shedding hair.
Need to get going!
Bold move? At the moment I have nothing in mind, but you never know what may pop up? I'm meeting my friend Liz to walk around the lake. But, first I'll get there an hour and a half earlier to run around the lake twice. So have to hustle and walk Emma first. She won't like it. It's dark yet and won't be getting light for about another hour. Of course, it will take me about 30 minutes to get there. Hopefully it's not creepy out there. If it is I won't stay but head back down the street until it's light enough and only run around one time before she gets there.
I'm very curious to see what will take audacity for me today to make a huge change. I hope it has nothing with a monetary effect. Maybe will will want to commit to the city by the bay. Her friend has invited her to stay for the gay rodeo events and I just happen to have frequent fl yer miles just sitting around. Yeah, I just sort of invited myself when she and I and two of her gay friends were at happy hour last Friday. I was kidding, but not, if you know what I mean.
Well better walk Emma, I want to leave by 5:00 AM. There should be predawn light enough for me to start the run about 5:30 AM.
Today I need to get my oil changed (only do it at the dealers to get well trained skilled service) because it is the last day on the coupon and I'm past due.
Better get going. It may take a while to roust the rotty. She is lazy and can e stubborn. Problem with that is, I just can't pick up her ninety pound mass and carry her off to get my way. I have to be sweet and reason. If I am demanding, she digs in deeper. Oh yes! I must use psychology on this one. She's 14. The next one will be a black cock er spaniel; or anything that is small and doesn't shed. As it is now, I have a constant clean up situation trying to control all of her shedding hair.
Need to get going!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Gal on the hill
Seems every time I pass her door walking Emma she comes out of her condo with her dog. I'm glad! She's appearing more attractive all the time. We speak easily. I ran into her the other night too at the grocery store and we chatted for a few minutes.
This morning I wore my rainbow running hat just to give her a clue but not sure if she is receptive to the rainbow indication. I wonder if she noticed and I wonder if she googled or realizes what the rainbow means in this contexts.
She is very sweet. A runner! I enjoy seeing her so Emma and I walk that way more often then in other directions.
L has been looking at condos here and today I went with her to three open houses. It's becoming a buyers market as far as prices. Property is not moving as quickly due to rising mortgage interest rates.
L is looking here exclusively and I am glad. I love having her in the neighborhood. We speak easily and enjoy seeing each other.
Her girlfriend from FL is coming on the 10th and then again the middle of September for the float trip. L found cheap air rates for her.
I'm glad L is happy.
Now, as far as I am concerned I have no idea what I want or need regarding a someone in a relationship. I miss the touch of a woman. But, I need a particular type of woman and a particular type of relationship. She must be sweet and lovable; gentle and kind and easy going. I would like to see her and spend the night on occasion maybe two three times a week and then retreat back to our own space. Having her right up the street would be wonderful (I do have a habit of dreaming and putting the cart before the horse, so to speak).
Would that arrangement be so bad? I think it would be perfect! Of course, I would miss when not with her - that is the whole idea of loving someone - looking forward to seeing them and longing for them.
We would talk easily and often.
I just think it would be wonderful and magical.
They say we create our own realities by our dreams and wishes. I know wishing can make it so; therefore, I am creating my own reality.
I believe I did it with my two previous loves. I wished them into being. 05SL was wonderful and saved my life. She was perfect for me in retrospect. I think she came into my life for the very reason to help with through my journey of freedom. She helped me move and I learned a lot form her.
This morning I wore my rainbow running hat just to give her a clue but not sure if she is receptive to the rainbow indication. I wonder if she noticed and I wonder if she googled or realizes what the rainbow means in this contexts.
She is very sweet. A runner! I enjoy seeing her so Emma and I walk that way more often then in other directions.
L has been looking at condos here and today I went with her to three open houses. It's becoming a buyers market as far as prices. Property is not moving as quickly due to rising mortgage interest rates.
L is looking here exclusively and I am glad. I love having her in the neighborhood. We speak easily and enjoy seeing each other.
Her girlfriend from FL is coming on the 10th and then again the middle of September for the float trip. L found cheap air rates for her.
I'm glad L is happy.
Now, as far as I am concerned I have no idea what I want or need regarding a someone in a relationship. I miss the touch of a woman. But, I need a particular type of woman and a particular type of relationship. She must be sweet and lovable; gentle and kind and easy going. I would like to see her and spend the night on occasion maybe two three times a week and then retreat back to our own space. Having her right up the street would be wonderful (I do have a habit of dreaming and putting the cart before the horse, so to speak).
Would that arrangement be so bad? I think it would be perfect! Of course, I would miss when not with her - that is the whole idea of loving someone - looking forward to seeing them and longing for them.
We would talk easily and often.
I just think it would be wonderful and magical.
They say we create our own realities by our dreams and wishes. I know wishing can make it so; therefore, I am creating my own reality.
I believe I did it with my two previous loves. I wished them into being. 05SL was wonderful and saved my life. She was perfect for me in retrospect. I think she came into my life for the very reason to help with through my journey of freedom. She helped me move and I learned a lot form her.
Long Day
It seems a long time ago that I rode 20 miles. It's evening now. I'm tired. I was up at 4:30 AM and decided to go for a bicycle ride at dawn while it was still cool and I could get in about 20 miles before my golf lesson at 10:00 AM.
The ride was good, but a little steamy in the beginning; as the sun rose and the air began to move it began more bearable. I stopped and got pastry. Yes, I sinned, but I need to fuel for energy. All in all, the ride went well. I love riding the deserted early morning streets. It gives me a great feeling that they streets are mine. Makes me wish traffic was that light all the time. I even celebrated with a Starbuck's grande decafe iced mocha.
I had a frozen Snickers at my golf lesson and a bottle of icy water. The lesson went well because the instructor is cute and cool. He's a very good instructor. I am looking forward to putting what I have learned into use. I'm not sure if I'll get to the driving range tomorrow. But, I might! It's supposed to be another scorcher of a summer day.
I'm getting up early again to be at the park and run around the lake at least once before Liz gets there to walk at 7:00 AM. I need too, to make sure I take back cables I'm not using to ACE hardware. Better make myself a note! Or at least put the bags into clear view on my car seat so I see them in the morning.
Then I need to go to Home Depot and get the proper cables that I need; which are six and 9 or 10 feet ratchet cables. Messing with these cables and my kayak makes me miss 05SL; but, what a wonderful memory I have.
The ride was good, but a little steamy in the beginning; as the sun rose and the air began to move it began more bearable. I stopped and got pastry. Yes, I sinned, but I need to fuel for energy. All in all, the ride went well. I love riding the deserted early morning streets. It gives me a great feeling that they streets are mine. Makes me wish traffic was that light all the time. I even celebrated with a Starbuck's grande decafe iced mocha.
I had a frozen Snickers at my golf lesson and a bottle of icy water. The lesson went well because the instructor is cute and cool. He's a very good instructor. I am looking forward to putting what I have learned into use. I'm not sure if I'll get to the driving range tomorrow. But, I might! It's supposed to be another scorcher of a summer day.
I'm getting up early again to be at the park and run around the lake at least once before Liz gets there to walk at 7:00 AM. I need too, to make sure I take back cables I'm not using to ACE hardware. Better make myself a note! Or at least put the bags into clear view on my car seat so I see them in the morning.
Then I need to go to Home Depot and get the proper cables that I need; which are six and 9 or 10 feet ratchet cables. Messing with these cables and my kayak makes me miss 05SL; but, what a wonderful memory I have.
Ride at Dawn
Sunrise is within an hour, I could ride and be back before my 10:00 golf lesson. The temperature will reach 100 today. I hope August flies by...I'm so ready for fall.
Maybe a ride will do me good! The streets are vacant except for flying Sunday papers that crash against steps and doorways and nearly miss my head.
I'll ride for donuts. Ever since the Tour de Donut bicycle ride I have been graving their soft sweet taste and bursts of sugar energy.
Well, it's either back to bed or up for the ride...my eyes are drooping.
I need to make a decision!
I'll go for the donuts, maybe the thick heavy humid morning air will clear my head!
Maybe a ride will do me good! The streets are vacant except for flying Sunday papers that crash against steps and doorways and nearly miss my head.
I'll ride for donuts. Ever since the Tour de Donut bicycle ride I have been graving their soft sweet taste and bursts of sugar energy.
Well, it's either back to bed or up for the ride...my eyes are drooping.
I need to make a decision!
I'll go for the donuts, maybe the thick heavy humid morning air will clear my head!
Unintentional friends and an absence lover
Suzanne was there at the gathering in all her wit. She correctly describes us as "unintentional friends". Seems we are always glad to see each other and great with hugs. She kisses my cheek. She massages my shoulders. Attention evidently needed more than I even realized.
I work up lonely and confused in the early morning hours. It's dark yet! I cried in the dark. I miss the good doctor so much! I miss her tender, caring, loving heart and her arms around me. The love I needed all my life from little on and never got. She has a soft touch and very compassionate heart. And I'll never see her again! And I miss her so much. I blew that too, by telling her how I felt. I lost a good doctor because my heart got in the way.
Compassionate loving hearts are very difficult to find. One might say she was kind out of profession. I prefer to believe she genuinely cared about me. I felt her heart so close to mine. I never felt more loved. I never needed loving more.
Life hurts! A Woman, C, who pay attention is crass and aloof and cold only pushes me farther away. As much as I need affection and kindness, I repel coldness and scolding.
Where is the tender heart? Do they make them at all? Why has my heart ached for same all of my life from little on? Who kicked me in the gut at such as early age?
I'm done crying now. So, I guess I'll be good for a few more months. I only pray to the universe to help me fill this void with sincere loving arms and tender kisses.
Universe? Please ease the pain and make my life magical with sweet, tender, compassionate love. Is there such a thing are only unintentional friends and absence lovers?
I work up lonely and confused in the early morning hours. It's dark yet! I cried in the dark. I miss the good doctor so much! I miss her tender, caring, loving heart and her arms around me. The love I needed all my life from little on and never got. She has a soft touch and very compassionate heart. And I'll never see her again! And I miss her so much. I blew that too, by telling her how I felt. I lost a good doctor because my heart got in the way.
Compassionate loving hearts are very difficult to find. One might say she was kind out of profession. I prefer to believe she genuinely cared about me. I felt her heart so close to mine. I never felt more loved. I never needed loving more.
Life hurts! A Woman, C, who pay attention is crass and aloof and cold only pushes me farther away. As much as I need affection and kindness, I repel coldness and scolding.
Where is the tender heart? Do they make them at all? Why has my heart ached for same all of my life from little on? Who kicked me in the gut at such as early age?
I'm done crying now. So, I guess I'll be good for a few more months. I only pray to the universe to help me fill this void with sincere loving arms and tender kisses.
Universe? Please ease the pain and make my life magical with sweet, tender, compassionate love. Is there such a thing are only unintentional friends and absence lovers?
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Cool Pool Party
Nettles in upper middle class suburbia surroundings fashionably decorated is the home of our host for the BBQ and community pool party.
Good food and great friends equals much fun! By popular vote the party was a flash, complete with shoulder rides that is until the adults were reprimanded by the youngster lifeguard.
The running group even managed to gain two new members at the pool; and woman at that.
As far as C goes? She may be nice but still a little too much like my scolding ex. She made me miss my 05SL and the closeness and touch of her.
I'm okay! I just won't think any more about it. However, I do so miss the touch of a woman. And times like this I wonder if it will ever happen again.
I yearn for the sweetness and kindness never gotten. I must be dreaming; for probably it doesn't even exist - only in my head.
Affection so hard to come by; why does it have to be that way?
Good food and great friends equals much fun! By popular vote the party was a flash, complete with shoulder rides that is until the adults were reprimanded by the youngster lifeguard.
The running group even managed to gain two new members at the pool; and woman at that.
As far as C goes? She may be nice but still a little too much like my scolding ex. She made me miss my 05SL and the closeness and touch of her.
I'm okay! I just won't think any more about it. However, I do so miss the touch of a woman. And times like this I wonder if it will ever happen again.
I yearn for the sweetness and kindness never gotten. I must be dreaming; for probably it doesn't even exist - only in my head.
Affection so hard to come by; why does it have to be that way?
Friday, July 28, 2006
Neighbors and Smokers
I think the gal up the street brings her dog out when she sees me and mine approaching. I like that! She is very nice and we have nice conversations. Today, we were talking about poodles and how smart they are. You know me, I'm always considering my next dog along with my next car choice.
After the walk, I ran for three or four miles. I'm not sure how far I ran, because my GPS Gar-man was acting weird.
I just had lunch and I'm ready to hit a bucket of balls, look at Birkenstocks and hopefully, wont' buy. Then go by Sam's and get some potato salad for a pool party tomorrow evening.
I can't decide if I should wear my suit or just wear sport/running clothes to sit by the pool. I suspect the kids will be pretty much taking up the pool anyway. I'll wear the running and take the suit along. I have soccer like shorts that would work. Either way I'll have my small back pack along with all sorts of clothes in it. The party will be fun. There is a great bunch of people going. We'll carpool!
This evening the lesbian bar with friends! I hope to meet hot new friends. Maybe I"ll be bold for a change. Maybe someone hot will be there - for a change!
So many lesbians are not bar people. Well, actually, I"m not! I can't stand the smoke. I hate cigarette smoke! This coming from an ex smoker. They say they are the worse.
Yesterday while hitting golf balls at the driving range, a guy lights up in front of me and I packed up and moving ahead of him. Up wind! Personally, I think smoking in public is down right rude! Last Sunday after our 32 miles bicycle ride, we went to a greasy spoon type diner and was sit ted in the smoking section. It is the most unnatural act in sight! Just think about it!
And the sorry thing of it is most smokers are uneducated and have no insurance. Anyway, that is my take on it! Because anyone in their right minds would not stick their nose up to an exhaust pipe and inhale. Yet, in incense, this is exactly that smokers are doing. Just how stupid is that? And yes, cigarette manufacturers are not stupid, the add addictive ingredients to really get you hooked. Hello! Now who's the stupid one! And these are the same people who do not where their seat belts! And ride bicycle without helmets! Oh, I forgot people who smoke do not exercise! The two to not go together! No, rather they are into the non-exercise of trying to kill themselves one drag at a time.
I' ve known people who stopped smoking and put on fifty pounds. So, which is worse I ask you? Both will kill you!
I guess what really surprises me is how surprised and disappointed these people are who smoke and over eat and are heavy, to find out that they have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease. My thought are that youth carried them so far and then when they reach their forties look out. Oh and that's a good age for over eaters to have gall bladder problems too.
Bottom line... don't even start all that shit! Too bad people don't learn from an early age on what is good for them. Eat wisely and exercise and hopefully maintain your weight and you won't need to get on medicine.
Besides medicare and medicaid is on the decline. The states have federal government is trimming what they will provide for in the way of social payments.
After the walk, I ran for three or four miles. I'm not sure how far I ran, because my GPS Gar-man was acting weird.
I just had lunch and I'm ready to hit a bucket of balls, look at Birkenstocks and hopefully, wont' buy. Then go by Sam's and get some potato salad for a pool party tomorrow evening.
I can't decide if I should wear my suit or just wear sport/running clothes to sit by the pool. I suspect the kids will be pretty much taking up the pool anyway. I'll wear the running and take the suit along. I have soccer like shorts that would work. Either way I'll have my small back pack along with all sorts of clothes in it. The party will be fun. There is a great bunch of people going. We'll carpool!
This evening the lesbian bar with friends! I hope to meet hot new friends. Maybe I"ll be bold for a change. Maybe someone hot will be there - for a change!
So many lesbians are not bar people. Well, actually, I"m not! I can't stand the smoke. I hate cigarette smoke! This coming from an ex smoker. They say they are the worse.
Yesterday while hitting golf balls at the driving range, a guy lights up in front of me and I packed up and moving ahead of him. Up wind! Personally, I think smoking in public is down right rude! Last Sunday after our 32 miles bicycle ride, we went to a greasy spoon type diner and was sit ted in the smoking section. It is the most unnatural act in sight! Just think about it!
And the sorry thing of it is most smokers are uneducated and have no insurance. Anyway, that is my take on it! Because anyone in their right minds would not stick their nose up to an exhaust pipe and inhale. Yet, in incense, this is exactly that smokers are doing. Just how stupid is that? And yes, cigarette manufacturers are not stupid, the add addictive ingredients to really get you hooked. Hello! Now who's the stupid one! And these are the same people who do not where their seat belts! And ride bicycle without helmets! Oh, I forgot people who smoke do not exercise! The two to not go together! No, rather they are into the non-exercise of trying to kill themselves one drag at a time.
I' ve known people who stopped smoking and put on fifty pounds. So, which is worse I ask you? Both will kill you!
I guess what really surprises me is how surprised and disappointed these people are who smoke and over eat and are heavy, to find out that they have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease. My thought are that youth carried them so far and then when they reach their forties look out. Oh and that's a good age for over eaters to have gall bladder problems too.
Bottom line... don't even start all that shit! Too bad people don't learn from an early age on what is good for them. Eat wisely and exercise and hopefully maintain your weight and you won't need to get on medicine.
Besides medicare and medicaid is on the decline. The states have federal government is trimming what they will provide for in the way of social payments.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Golf and Girls
Last evening the golf lessons went very well. The instructor, besides being very cute, speaks clearly and in simple terms so us golf illiterates can easily understand :)
I'm looking forward to hitting a bucket of balls as soon as I finish here and do my "yoga for golfers" that I watch on cable free on demand. Such a deal! Whenever I want to do it - it's there ready to watch. So cool!
Tonight the plan is the run with the group and see sweet face. She just brightens my day. Can't help it! She's adorable! I think Tracey must have noticed my admiration for her; she looked at me in this smirk, smiling, twinkle in the eye way that I didn't quit understand. But, I got a funny feeling I'll hear her interpretation on Saturday morning.
Last week I expressed interest in the rolling woman; but, I think I was just trying to find a likeness and softness there. It's not there! She may be very nice, but no sparks. "You're ignoring me! Well, I ignored you last week!" She said. What? Actually, I wasn't really listening. Caught me! I was watching sweet face across the way; but, it would be impossible for her to be attracted to me. Don't ask me why I'm so attracted to younger woman. Maybe it's because I totally missed out of my teens, 20's, 30's, and 40's of loving women. You would be a little nutty too! (I came out when I was 40 and immediately jumped into a 15 year relationship - what was I thinking? Oh I know still trying to do it "the right way" - it was "time". Truth be told I do care about my ex still as a very close friend and confidant. She's the family I never had!)
I'm looking for sweetness and softness not directions, orders or "why you doing that" questions. Maybe what I want doesn't exist. Maybe it only exists in people who are really not that interested in me.
Little sweet thing is adorable and doesn't do any of that. What happens to people as they age? Where does the sweetness go. Why through the years does all that knit picking begin to matter. Let it go!
My blind date a month ago: "Open that chair; you're just going to have to fold it up again when we move." What? We were looking for her friends in the park and she added those words of advice. There was more of the same. Hell, my ex wasn't that bad; she only spoke over me. This one relies on her friends to entertain me. Sorry, I'm just going off about a somewhat sort of blind date. Well, she didn't look anything like her picture. So, I guess that's blind! Anyway, by the time I met her in person I had a totally different mental image of her and she didn't fit it. So, I guess on-line dating is not ideal for me.
Time to hit some golf balls. Gosh! Golf - something that is easy to understand, simple as black and white and never really changes.
I'm looking forward to hitting a bucket of balls as soon as I finish here and do my "yoga for golfers" that I watch on cable free on demand. Such a deal! Whenever I want to do it - it's there ready to watch. So cool!
Tonight the plan is the run with the group and see sweet face. She just brightens my day. Can't help it! She's adorable! I think Tracey must have noticed my admiration for her; she looked at me in this smirk, smiling, twinkle in the eye way that I didn't quit understand. But, I got a funny feeling I'll hear her interpretation on Saturday morning.
Last week I expressed interest in the rolling woman; but, I think I was just trying to find a likeness and softness there. It's not there! She may be very nice, but no sparks. "You're ignoring me! Well, I ignored you last week!" She said. What? Actually, I wasn't really listening. Caught me! I was watching sweet face across the way; but, it would be impossible for her to be attracted to me. Don't ask me why I'm so attracted to younger woman. Maybe it's because I totally missed out of my teens, 20's, 30's, and 40's of loving women. You would be a little nutty too! (I came out when I was 40 and immediately jumped into a 15 year relationship - what was I thinking? Oh I know still trying to do it "the right way" - it was "time". Truth be told I do care about my ex still as a very close friend and confidant. She's the family I never had!)
I'm looking for sweetness and softness not directions, orders or "why you doing that" questions. Maybe what I want doesn't exist. Maybe it only exists in people who are really not that interested in me.
Little sweet thing is adorable and doesn't do any of that. What happens to people as they age? Where does the sweetness go. Why through the years does all that knit picking begin to matter. Let it go!
My blind date a month ago: "Open that chair; you're just going to have to fold it up again when we move." What? We were looking for her friends in the park and she added those words of advice. There was more of the same. Hell, my ex wasn't that bad; she only spoke over me. This one relies on her friends to entertain me. Sorry, I'm just going off about a somewhat sort of blind date. Well, she didn't look anything like her picture. So, I guess that's blind! Anyway, by the time I met her in person I had a totally different mental image of her and she didn't fit it. So, I guess on-line dating is not ideal for me.
Time to hit some golf balls. Gosh! Golf - something that is easy to understand, simple as black and white and never really changes.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Busy Day!
I ran last night with the group, Ashley in particular. Very sweet and cute. She and I run about the same pace. A group of us went to the boat house afterwards for a snack
This morning I ran three miles and played nine holes of par 3 golf. Nothing outstanding. I wanted to practice just a bit before my lesson this evening. I let this wandering, probably illegal, golfer get to me. He was practicing putting on the green with 8 balls, so I had to wait for him to finish before I could tee off. I was real tempted to just fire away. Then when he realizes I am waiting he picks up his ball from the 11th green and cuts over to the 15th Tee right in front of two women who have rightfully played in SEQUENCE (hello, like you are supposed to!) and they had to sit and wait to he played the hole. Then while they are in the fairway he comes walking back and begins to play behind me. The guy was a real nusense! So, that sort of threw me off. But, I shouldn't let things like that throw me off. I guess I am very use to playing with Martha on Monday evenings; we play ahead of her partner and three other friends so there is no pressure. And it's fun!
Got home walked my Rotty again and sang and played my guitar. I'm trying to memorize some songs for the annual September float trip. Now, if only I have the nerve to sing in front of people. In the dark around the campfire I might be okay that is why I must memorize the songs.
I have about an hour and half before I get ready for my golf lesson. I think I'll quick so "Yoga for Golfers" on free Demand TV.
Later. When I get home this evening, I need to get on line and make a chord chart for the music of a song I want to play. I don't know where C7sus is on the guitar, so I"ll look it up and then draw a chart.
To yoga!
I'm going to pray for that darling young woman i run with, so she gets the job she applied for, she has another interview Friday. She is very sweet with long eyelashes and wonderful eyes and hair and ... well you get the picture. She' adorable!
This morning I ran three miles and played nine holes of par 3 golf. Nothing outstanding. I wanted to practice just a bit before my lesson this evening. I let this wandering, probably illegal, golfer get to me. He was practicing putting on the green with 8 balls, so I had to wait for him to finish before I could tee off. I was real tempted to just fire away. Then when he realizes I am waiting he picks up his ball from the 11th green and cuts over to the 15th Tee right in front of two women who have rightfully played in SEQUENCE (hello, like you are supposed to!) and they had to sit and wait to he played the hole. Then while they are in the fairway he comes walking back and begins to play behind me. The guy was a real nusense! So, that sort of threw me off. But, I shouldn't let things like that throw me off. I guess I am very use to playing with Martha on Monday evenings; we play ahead of her partner and three other friends so there is no pressure. And it's fun!
Got home walked my Rotty again and sang and played my guitar. I'm trying to memorize some songs for the annual September float trip. Now, if only I have the nerve to sing in front of people. In the dark around the campfire I might be okay that is why I must memorize the songs.
I have about an hour and half before I get ready for my golf lesson. I think I'll quick so "Yoga for Golfers" on free Demand TV.
Later. When I get home this evening, I need to get on line and make a chord chart for the music of a song I want to play. I don't know where C7sus is on the guitar, so I"ll look it up and then draw a chart.
To yoga!
I'm going to pray for that darling young woman i run with, so she gets the job she applied for, she has another interview Friday. She is very sweet with long eyelashes and wonderful eyes and hair and ... well you get the picture. She' adorable!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
A Great Group of People
I am very fond of the running group I meet in the park three times a week. We are like minded good people of all ages gathered to for our physical, mental and social health. They are all great people.
What is it? The fresh air? The sweat? The workout? What brings this group together that hits it off in a spiritual way somehow that touches our core beings?
Personally, I think they are all gifts of the universe. Just people brought together entering in and out of each others' lives for the purpose of spiritual growth. We care about each other and look after each other.
I ran with her this evening. We naturally pair up now at the wonder of J&T. We easily fall into step because we run about the same pace. She just happens to be wavy haired, long lashed with big deep blue eyes that reach out to touch my heart. She so sweet I could just wrap her up in my arms and kiss her forehead.
Especially after she told me she fell asleep while driving along the highway and a semi knocked her mirror over and broke the glass in it. That woke her up! She had to sit in the medium for about twenty minutes she said until she calmed down she was shaking so. I guess I'll have to pray for her. If caring about someone is praying, then she's being prayed for. She's precious! Just precious! She's 26, a baby with a sweet heart and intelligent mind. Simply irresistible! She's shy when I tease her about being so cute and asking if the girls are fighting over her. She puts her head down and say "no". I'll let her know, if she doesn't already that she can always come to me for anything and I'll be there with an open mind and open heart.
On the way home, I wondered how T who has kids can handle all the possible impending dangers that live ahead for young teenagers. It must be horrible worrying about them and trying to protect them when you know they are in experienced and vulnerable.
We ate at the boathouse afterwards. I may have enjoyed it more but my mind and heart is troubled and confused. C is not warm and loving enough for me I don't think. Universe, I need the sweetest, warmest, heart you can find. Not scolding. Sometimes she sounds scolding. Believe me, been there and have done that one.
What I'm waiting for is my heart to fall in love with someone closer to my age. So far that is not happening. Thirty-five was pushing it. I loved her so much.
And my heart still aches for the good doctor's heart.
I know I'm all messed up due to my loveless, cold childhood. I know I'm all messed up and fall in loved with unobtainable people.
The universe is with me and will help me out with all of this I know. I see happy loving people together yet I don't fit in anywhere. I want to be in love, but I keep falling for much younger and out of reach hearts.
Maybe I should see Ezekiel again soon. You knows.
I felt so fulfilled listening to 05SL's heart and things that troubled her. I felt so needed. She touched my heart deeply. I told her I would love her forever and I will. I love the soul of her. I'm better now that she spoke to me at the party, even if just a couple of words to answer my question of how her summer was going. It was like she touched base somehow just to let me know she wasn't mad or disturbed with me. I wish her the best. She is in my heart for keeps. I'm here too for her if she ever should need me.
Let's face it! I'm not like people my own age. I have a youthful attitude and an active regimen of activities to keep me mean and spirited, minus the mean. God help me I think I'm losing it!
Most of my life I had every ounce of emotion turned off. Now it seems I'm over flowing with emotions. I oscillate form happy to sad about all the time.
I believe the tide will soon change and my life will become even more magical then what it truly is now because I will fall in love with someone who loves me and is very sweet and warm. She's on her way into my life; the universe is working hard to create my happiness.
What is it? The fresh air? The sweat? The workout? What brings this group together that hits it off in a spiritual way somehow that touches our core beings?
Personally, I think they are all gifts of the universe. Just people brought together entering in and out of each others' lives for the purpose of spiritual growth. We care about each other and look after each other.
I ran with her this evening. We naturally pair up now at the wonder of J&T. We easily fall into step because we run about the same pace. She just happens to be wavy haired, long lashed with big deep blue eyes that reach out to touch my heart. She so sweet I could just wrap her up in my arms and kiss her forehead.
Especially after she told me she fell asleep while driving along the highway and a semi knocked her mirror over and broke the glass in it. That woke her up! She had to sit in the medium for about twenty minutes she said until she calmed down she was shaking so. I guess I'll have to pray for her. If caring about someone is praying, then she's being prayed for. She's precious! Just precious! She's 26, a baby with a sweet heart and intelligent mind. Simply irresistible! She's shy when I tease her about being so cute and asking if the girls are fighting over her. She puts her head down and say "no". I'll let her know, if she doesn't already that she can always come to me for anything and I'll be there with an open mind and open heart.
On the way home, I wondered how T who has kids can handle all the possible impending dangers that live ahead for young teenagers. It must be horrible worrying about them and trying to protect them when you know they are in experienced and vulnerable.
We ate at the boathouse afterwards. I may have enjoyed it more but my mind and heart is troubled and confused. C is not warm and loving enough for me I don't think. Universe, I need the sweetest, warmest, heart you can find. Not scolding. Sometimes she sounds scolding. Believe me, been there and have done that one.
What I'm waiting for is my heart to fall in love with someone closer to my age. So far that is not happening. Thirty-five was pushing it. I loved her so much.
And my heart still aches for the good doctor's heart.
I know I'm all messed up due to my loveless, cold childhood. I know I'm all messed up and fall in loved with unobtainable people.
The universe is with me and will help me out with all of this I know. I see happy loving people together yet I don't fit in anywhere. I want to be in love, but I keep falling for much younger and out of reach hearts.
Maybe I should see Ezekiel again soon. You knows.
I felt so fulfilled listening to 05SL's heart and things that troubled her. I felt so needed. She touched my heart deeply. I told her I would love her forever and I will. I love the soul of her. I'm better now that she spoke to me at the party, even if just a couple of words to answer my question of how her summer was going. It was like she touched base somehow just to let me know she wasn't mad or disturbed with me. I wish her the best. She is in my heart for keeps. I'm here too for her if she ever should need me.
Let's face it! I'm not like people my own age. I have a youthful attitude and an active regimen of activities to keep me mean and spirited, minus the mean. God help me I think I'm losing it!
Most of my life I had every ounce of emotion turned off. Now it seems I'm over flowing with emotions. I oscillate form happy to sad about all the time.
I believe the tide will soon change and my life will become even more magical then what it truly is now because I will fall in love with someone who loves me and is very sweet and warm. She's on her way into my life; the universe is working hard to create my happiness.
Bush the almighty christian?
He vetoed the stem cell research bill for moral purposes; yet he sends thousands off to a needless war and allows thousands to die in a flood in his own country.
In case he hasn't noticed abortions are legal in this country, but yes, restricted according to each state. So let me get this right? Bush is against women making their own choices, right?
Yet, he chooses to jump into a needless war where not only our people but lives of women and children of the so called enemy are killed to.
For the first few years Bush appeared administrating like a frightened Freshman in High School. Now suddenly he is an over confident (scary in itself) egotistical Senior going off half cocked and dangerously.
Stem cell research could be saving the lives of millions with such death sentence diseases as diabetes and alhemizers. Yet, Buch picks and chooses as HE plays god.
He allows big corporations to fill the atmosphere with poisonous global warming gases to save them a buck over securing clean air for future generations and this one.
He allows the auto makers of extreme sized vehicles to escape emissions testing by putting them in a separate non identified yet category.
Yes, Bush the christian! Oh yes, hail to the Christians!
Millions have died throughout history due to religion. How godly is that? God doesn't mean "good" it means "power". Senseless, selfish power over others and nothing more.
Personally, I don't want anyone picking and choosing my morals. My morals are my own business. Some things, the government and the church need to stay out of; such as personal things that are none of their ignornant business.
In case he hasn't noticed abortions are legal in this country, but yes, restricted according to each state. So let me get this right? Bush is against women making their own choices, right?
Yet, he chooses to jump into a needless war where not only our people but lives of women and children of the so called enemy are killed to.
For the first few years Bush appeared administrating like a frightened Freshman in High School. Now suddenly he is an over confident (scary in itself) egotistical Senior going off half cocked and dangerously.
Stem cell research could be saving the lives of millions with such death sentence diseases as diabetes and alhemizers. Yet, Buch picks and chooses as HE plays god.
He allows big corporations to fill the atmosphere with poisonous global warming gases to save them a buck over securing clean air for future generations and this one.
He allows the auto makers of extreme sized vehicles to escape emissions testing by putting them in a separate non identified yet category.
Yes, Bush the christian! Oh yes, hail to the Christians!
Millions have died throughout history due to religion. How godly is that? God doesn't mean "good" it means "power". Senseless, selfish power over others and nothing more.
Personally, I don't want anyone picking and choosing my morals. My morals are my own business. Some things, the government and the church need to stay out of; such as personal things that are none of their ignornant business.
To Retreat Within..
My horoscope for today says:
July 25Something is clicking in your brain today that is urging you to take action, dear Libra. You may feel a bit of restlessness in the air that makes you want to get up and go. The problem is, the place you need to go may not be so obvious at first. Tender emotions may be getting in the way of decisive action. Realize that the place you may need to go is straight inside your heart. We all go through moody periods and days of retreat. This could be one of them for you.
Yes, I'm I feel as if I am spinning my wheels today, not getting anywhere. I see things that need to be done here at home and I'm just skirting right on by to heading directly to the refrigerator.
I find that I stop to nibble on the way to domestic tasks; probably because I do not want to do them.
And, I'm a little worried about my refrigerator! Since the on and off power outages for the last several days, it seems it runs constantly. I don't want to be having to buy a new refrigerator.
I'm trying to build a reserve fund intended for unexpected emergencies. So, far that has been a little difficult to do too.
Maybe it's just an "off" day for me. Yesterday sure wasn't, however.
I was up at 5:00 AM and went strong physically, emotionally, intellectually until 10:00 PM. Today, I had no place to be so I didn't set an alarm to get up early and woke up at 8:30 AM. Maybe that is the secret - to get up early.
Now, I have my mind in neutral and merely trying to get domestic chores done by 4:30 PM before I get ready for Frontrunners. I'll eat a little pasta now, so hopefully my stomach will settle by this evening.
I want to see her.. but I can't think about it. She's too young. I'm such a fool!
My heart just cannot catch up to my age! I wish it would! I know why! It's because I never had young woman, when I should have had them; when I was younger. My sexually was stiffened then. Emprisioned in authoritarian, christian, homophobic beliefs. Like good children homosexual were seen but not heard; and in some countries, for fear of death.
Oh, all in the god of a fictious god. A false god. A false higher being created by mere morals who write their own rules and social requirements to better suit their authoritarian fancies.
July 25Something is clicking in your brain today that is urging you to take action, dear Libra. You may feel a bit of restlessness in the air that makes you want to get up and go. The problem is, the place you need to go may not be so obvious at first. Tender emotions may be getting in the way of decisive action. Realize that the place you may need to go is straight inside your heart. We all go through moody periods and days of retreat. This could be one of them for you.
Yes, I'm I feel as if I am spinning my wheels today, not getting anywhere. I see things that need to be done here at home and I'm just skirting right on by to heading directly to the refrigerator.
I find that I stop to nibble on the way to domestic tasks; probably because I do not want to do them.
And, I'm a little worried about my refrigerator! Since the on and off power outages for the last several days, it seems it runs constantly. I don't want to be having to buy a new refrigerator.
I'm trying to build a reserve fund intended for unexpected emergencies. So, far that has been a little difficult to do too.
Maybe it's just an "off" day for me. Yesterday sure wasn't, however.
I was up at 5:00 AM and went strong physically, emotionally, intellectually until 10:00 PM. Today, I had no place to be so I didn't set an alarm to get up early and woke up at 8:30 AM. Maybe that is the secret - to get up early.
Now, I have my mind in neutral and merely trying to get domestic chores done by 4:30 PM before I get ready for Frontrunners. I'll eat a little pasta now, so hopefully my stomach will settle by this evening.
I want to see her.. but I can't think about it. She's too young. I'm such a fool!
My heart just cannot catch up to my age! I wish it would! I know why! It's because I never had young woman, when I should have had them; when I was younger. My sexually was stiffened then. Emprisioned in authoritarian, christian, homophobic beliefs. Like good children homosexual were seen but not heard; and in some countries, for fear of death.
Oh, all in the god of a fictious god. A false god. A false higher being created by mere morals who write their own rules and social requirements to better suit their authoritarian fancies.
"The Angels Listened in..."
Old song!
But, I pray to my angels guides all the time. Yesterday, I saw a broken feather on the trail as we rode and for some reason that vision stuck in my mind. Makes me wonder?
Anyway here is an excerpt from Haywatch.com:
The word angel means “messenger of God.” Angels love everyone unconditionally. They focus on our Divinity and potential. They want to help you, me, and everyone live in peace. Angels stationed permanently by our side are called guardian angels. Archangels are managers overseeing our guardian angels. The angelic realm also includes “choirs” of angels called principalities, powers, virtues, dominions, thrones, cherubim and seraphim. Guidance and instruction from angels comes in one of four ways: physical or emotional feeling—such as a hunch or gut feeling; visions and dreams—an image that appears in your minds eye; knowingness—a revelation or “download” of information; words and sounds—such as hearing a song in your head. Angels leave signs of their presence all the time! Feathers in unusual places, hearing the same recommendation from several sources, a sweet fragrance, sparkles of light, and more. The more you take note of these signs, the more confidence you’ll have in angels. Angels are tasked with protecting us. Ask the angels to watch over you and your loved ones. They will listen! Angels can help you find lost objects, the right job, a great home, good health, wonderful friends and so much more. An angel may come into our lives in human form for a brief relationship, to provide us with protection, to steer us through a major life intersection, or to give us extra support and guidance. More than anything, your angels wish you to enjoy utter peace and happiness. They’re available around-the-clock to help you with this endeavor. All you need to do is ask.
Yes they are with me always and I pray to them during the day as I am doing risky tasks or just for anything.
"Angels may come to us in human form for a brief relationship, to steer us through a major life intersection, or to give us extra support and guidance." This I truly believe!
But, I pray to my angels guides all the time. Yesterday, I saw a broken feather on the trail as we rode and for some reason that vision stuck in my mind. Makes me wonder?
Anyway here is an excerpt from Haywatch.com:
The word angel means “messenger of God.” Angels love everyone unconditionally. They focus on our Divinity and potential. They want to help you, me, and everyone live in peace. Angels stationed permanently by our side are called guardian angels. Archangels are managers overseeing our guardian angels. The angelic realm also includes “choirs” of angels called principalities, powers, virtues, dominions, thrones, cherubim and seraphim. Guidance and instruction from angels comes in one of four ways: physical or emotional feeling—such as a hunch or gut feeling; visions and dreams—an image that appears in your minds eye; knowingness—a revelation or “download” of information; words and sounds—such as hearing a song in your head. Angels leave signs of their presence all the time! Feathers in unusual places, hearing the same recommendation from several sources, a sweet fragrance, sparkles of light, and more. The more you take note of these signs, the more confidence you’ll have in angels. Angels are tasked with protecting us. Ask the angels to watch over you and your loved ones. They will listen! Angels can help you find lost objects, the right job, a great home, good health, wonderful friends and so much more. An angel may come into our lives in human form for a brief relationship, to provide us with protection, to steer us through a major life intersection, or to give us extra support and guidance. More than anything, your angels wish you to enjoy utter peace and happiness. They’re available around-the-clock to help you with this endeavor. All you need to do is ask.
Yes they are with me always and I pray to them during the day as I am doing risky tasks or just for anything.
"Angels may come to us in human form for a brief relationship, to steer us through a major life intersection, or to give us extra support and guidance." This I truly believe!
Monday, July 24, 2006
Busy Monday (I'm better today!)
I think running around the lake twice before my friend Liz got there really helped with my mood. Actually, I think I woke up in a pretty good mood remember what Ezekiel once told me.
He said several years ago in 1992 and I think again more recently that I would spend time with young people. That I am very good with younger people. I wonder, was he seeing the past year and the present? Because if that is what he saw for my future, then he was right-on.
I just thought I would throw that tidbit of information in; maybe someday it will be pertinent; maybe now.
After I ran 7 miles, I walked 3.5 with Liz. Then I got this brainstorm to get my kayak out of my storage shed, strap it on my car and drive back to the lake to paddle around it a bit.
It was a bitch getting it through my condo down the steps (the only way out). Well, I scuffed the wall a wee bit (on the return I knocked off the thermostat cover plastic gripper; glue will be required!). Let's face it it took more time to buy (the wrong straps) and mess with straps then I actually spent kayaking. And I had a disappointment I thought I would be able to kayak all the way through the canal to another small lake in front of the new restaurant that is out there; pull out and get something to drink. It would have been fun! But, there was a fence gated damn of sorts that was impossible to get through; so I have to turn around then and come back. Well I could have paddles a little more, but I was a little concerned about my make shift straps.
In the end, all was all and I'll get better straps tomorrow. Now, I must get ready to walk Emma and then leave to play golf at 4:00 or there abouts. I need to be there at 4:30. I had a lesson two Sunday mornings ago and hopefully I will remember the pointers. I'll have another lesson on Wednesday evenings.
Damn! I went a little over my budget today. I'll try to do better tomorrow to make up for it. So far, I"m doing better however.
Last evening I rode with Lou (her parents were staying at her condo, there power is still off) to T&D's for dinner, movie (Night is Falling [wonderful lesbian flick]) and "apples to apples" game. I had fun. At times though, oh you know that already, I was a little sad. I could never go back into the same mode with L. Sorry, as much as I love her - she's a near friend; but we can't be a couple (that's what our relationship was pretty much based on). R&W or very affectionate with each other with arms wrapped around bodies; I was a little jealous; especially after watching the movie. Oh well, I just won't think about it!
Soon, well actually, it is time to walk Emma and get ready to play golf. I'm ready. I have a lot of energy today. Maybe it's the two bags of peanut M&M's I ate and the little M&M cookies while paddling on the lake.
I had fun today alone by myself. Most of the time I am very good company.
The friend I rode bicycle with yesterday want to ride from chain of rocks bridge to Peres Marquette! That sounds like an awfully long way. But not bad. We can always stop in the little town along the way for grub.
I feel very close to L (L&C) after she shared to negative childhood with me. She's very sweet. They both have very nice shapes in their bike clothes. L is more my type; I could have fallen for her in another time and place. In speaking about their relationship just in general (I didn't come on to her or anything - I wouldn't; I couldn't) She said that she cannot imagine her life without C. Isn't that sweet? That is really nice to see.
Yes, everyone seems so settled! Oh hell! Maybe after fifteen years, I'm just not the settle down type. I have no idea where life will take or actually, what I even want.
Have to walk to rotty now...
He said several years ago in 1992 and I think again more recently that I would spend time with young people. That I am very good with younger people. I wonder, was he seeing the past year and the present? Because if that is what he saw for my future, then he was right-on.
I just thought I would throw that tidbit of information in; maybe someday it will be pertinent; maybe now.
After I ran 7 miles, I walked 3.5 with Liz. Then I got this brainstorm to get my kayak out of my storage shed, strap it on my car and drive back to the lake to paddle around it a bit.
It was a bitch getting it through my condo down the steps (the only way out). Well, I scuffed the wall a wee bit (on the return I knocked off the thermostat cover plastic gripper; glue will be required!). Let's face it it took more time to buy (the wrong straps) and mess with straps then I actually spent kayaking. And I had a disappointment I thought I would be able to kayak all the way through the canal to another small lake in front of the new restaurant that is out there; pull out and get something to drink. It would have been fun! But, there was a fence gated damn of sorts that was impossible to get through; so I have to turn around then and come back. Well I could have paddles a little more, but I was a little concerned about my make shift straps.
In the end, all was all and I'll get better straps tomorrow. Now, I must get ready to walk Emma and then leave to play golf at 4:00 or there abouts. I need to be there at 4:30. I had a lesson two Sunday mornings ago and hopefully I will remember the pointers. I'll have another lesson on Wednesday evenings.
Damn! I went a little over my budget today. I'll try to do better tomorrow to make up for it. So far, I"m doing better however.
Last evening I rode with Lou (her parents were staying at her condo, there power is still off) to T&D's for dinner, movie (Night is Falling [wonderful lesbian flick]) and "apples to apples" game. I had fun. At times though, oh you know that already, I was a little sad. I could never go back into the same mode with L. Sorry, as much as I love her - she's a near friend; but we can't be a couple (that's what our relationship was pretty much based on). R&W or very affectionate with each other with arms wrapped around bodies; I was a little jealous; especially after watching the movie. Oh well, I just won't think about it!
Soon, well actually, it is time to walk Emma and get ready to play golf. I'm ready. I have a lot of energy today. Maybe it's the two bags of peanut M&M's I ate and the little M&M cookies while paddling on the lake.
I had fun today alone by myself. Most of the time I am very good company.
The friend I rode bicycle with yesterday want to ride from chain of rocks bridge to Peres Marquette! That sounds like an awfully long way. But not bad. We can always stop in the little town along the way for grub.
I feel very close to L (L&C) after she shared to negative childhood with me. She's very sweet. They both have very nice shapes in their bike clothes. L is more my type; I could have fallen for her in another time and place. In speaking about their relationship just in general (I didn't come on to her or anything - I wouldn't; I couldn't) She said that she cannot imagine her life without C. Isn't that sweet? That is really nice to see.
Yes, everyone seems so settled! Oh hell! Maybe after fifteen years, I'm just not the settle down type. I have no idea where life will take or actually, what I even want.
Have to walk to rotty now...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Back Home
I"m back home now after visiting friends watching "Night is Falling". A movie about two women meeting and falling in love. Excellent! Nice love scenes. And it end happily!
Dinner was delicious and plentiful. After the movie we played games. I came out the loser but had fun.
They are a wonderful group of women.
In all honesty! Sometimes it's a little hard to see loving couples embracing with warm affection. We were not a real warm fuzzy couple.
And last year I held back not to embarrass or make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I remember one evening I was to meet her at an outside coffee house. I truly loved 05SL and couldn't wait to see her. I kissed her head. My heart missed her. She never really returned those feelings. That's okay. We all love the best we can.
I loved the feeling of loving and wanting her. It was wonderful!
I have hopes for the future and pray everyday for love to come my way. I want to be in love. I want her to be adorable. I need her to love me! It won't work unless she loves me and wants me.
I know it's a lot to ask. A big bill for a tender loving heart to fit. I knows she is out there. I need just a little help from the universe and the love spirits and mine and her spirit.
I want to be in love! I need to expect her to love me; otherwise, it's not going to work.
I think life is amazing! And I think that I am in love with the unobtainable impossible again. What the hell is wrong with me? Hey! I just want sweet and adorable; kind and wonderful. And that is her!
Good Night!
I'm meeting my friend in the morning to walk with her and I hope I am in better spirits. Well, if I get to bed soon and get up extra early so I can run first. I'll feel much better.
Later, toward evening it's golf. God, please help me out here. I feel that I am beginning to slip back into unhappy patterns of life. Please help me? I can't regress, only progress. Please help!
Dinner was delicious and plentiful. After the movie we played games. I came out the loser but had fun.
They are a wonderful group of women.
In all honesty! Sometimes it's a little hard to see loving couples embracing with warm affection. We were not a real warm fuzzy couple.
And last year I held back not to embarrass or make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I remember one evening I was to meet her at an outside coffee house. I truly loved 05SL and couldn't wait to see her. I kissed her head. My heart missed her. She never really returned those feelings. That's okay. We all love the best we can.
I loved the feeling of loving and wanting her. It was wonderful!
I have hopes for the future and pray everyday for love to come my way. I want to be in love. I want her to be adorable. I need her to love me! It won't work unless she loves me and wants me.
I know it's a lot to ask. A big bill for a tender loving heart to fit. I knows she is out there. I need just a little help from the universe and the love spirits and mine and her spirit.
I want to be in love! I need to expect her to love me; otherwise, it's not going to work.
I think life is amazing! And I think that I am in love with the unobtainable impossible again. What the hell is wrong with me? Hey! I just want sweet and adorable; kind and wonderful. And that is her!
Good Night!
I'm meeting my friend in the morning to walk with her and I hope I am in better spirits. Well, if I get to bed soon and get up extra early so I can run first. I'll feel much better.
Later, toward evening it's golf. God, please help me out here. I feel that I am beginning to slip back into unhappy patterns of life. Please help me? I can't regress, only progress. Please help!
50 years and more
A fellow rider and I were exchanging childhood histories while riding today. She's very quiet and sweet, so I knew before hand; I sensed it! That she had a troubled childhood. "Switched at birth for sure she thought. She never would have chosen such a disfunctional family." Niether would I have chosen mine. I don't miss them after more than a year of not seeing them. I'm free! So, she and I had similar (hers worse) lonely and frighten childhoods.
But, swapping stories only conjured up sad and depressed feelings and I had to try harder to sound happy if not be happy. I succeeded pretty well I think.
When I got my aching heart home I sat and pressed my hands to my chest and cried silently with tears falling and said. "It'll be okay." I repeated once again. "Things will be better." Once again! I"m been saying the same words now for 50 some years and I have not given up hope.
I missed the good doctor holding me close to her heart two years ago. I felt loved.
What hurts is that there is a Protective insurance ad in Time magazine and it's wonderful! A picture of a mother and small daughter sleeping; they both look very content and loved. The color of their hair is so alike that you can't tell where one leaves off from the other. It's shines like a sunset glow behind them warming the moment even more. It's beautiful! It's what love is. The mother is holding her little girl of about three or four to her chest with her arm around her so she received love and warmth from both sides. The little girl had gone to sleep I'm sure by listening to her mother's heartbeat and feeling content and safe with knowing her undoubting love. It reminds me and makes me sad. It's the love I never got and the emptiness remains. No one has filled that void. Not my mother. Certainly my ex didn't, I think maybe two needy people can't fix each other. I don't know. But she didn't have it to give either. Sometimes she was rather cold.
My therapist says that we have a tendency to drift toward familiar territory not realizing that we are replacing one hurtful situation with another. In other words my mother with my partner.
The good doctor held me close and touched my heart. She felt my pain and loved me if only for that moment. I miss her! I miss that feeling of wholeness.
I didn't have the empty feelings last summer either; but I think I blew that. It was so foreign to me and so wonderful subconsciously I pushed it away. I guess we gravitate towards pain pushing away unfamiliar wonderful feelings. I don't know why? And it hurts that I did that. I hope that I have learned an important lesson and never repeat the past.
I'll be better now. I'll take two S.A.M.E. I'll do yoga and then Ill join more "coupled" ladies who are happy. I'll be okay. The universe is with me I know. I have hope! I am such a mess. I in love with another young woman - maybe I am nuts!
I hope like hell that I'm learning something positive for my next life and that is the reason then that I do all this negative stuff to myself. Spiritual minded people say we choose our parents and our life experiences for a reason. So far, I'm confused and have no clue why I would do this to myself.
Born to a cold unfeeling mother, and there but absent father and cold, distance siblings that were just plain mean. Why would I do that to myself? Ending up suppressing all feeling when I should have been making love to young women like myself (not men) and possibly at least wanting to have babies. I denied myself of living and feeling.
It's all too late now and I can't go back and redo or re choose. So, I have to hope this life is a learning life for my super happy and loving next life. In my next life my mother will be like that mother in that insurance ad picture. And my heart won't hurt. And I"ll be emotionally and socially free to tell someone that I love them, even if they are of the same sex. And we will love each other very much and be happy with great love and most of all loving tenderness and affection.
But, swapping stories only conjured up sad and depressed feelings and I had to try harder to sound happy if not be happy. I succeeded pretty well I think.
When I got my aching heart home I sat and pressed my hands to my chest and cried silently with tears falling and said. "It'll be okay." I repeated once again. "Things will be better." Once again! I"m been saying the same words now for 50 some years and I have not given up hope.
I missed the good doctor holding me close to her heart two years ago. I felt loved.
What hurts is that there is a Protective insurance ad in Time magazine and it's wonderful! A picture of a mother and small daughter sleeping; they both look very content and loved. The color of their hair is so alike that you can't tell where one leaves off from the other. It's shines like a sunset glow behind them warming the moment even more. It's beautiful! It's what love is. The mother is holding her little girl of about three or four to her chest with her arm around her so she received love and warmth from both sides. The little girl had gone to sleep I'm sure by listening to her mother's heartbeat and feeling content and safe with knowing her undoubting love. It reminds me and makes me sad. It's the love I never got and the emptiness remains. No one has filled that void. Not my mother. Certainly my ex didn't, I think maybe two needy people can't fix each other. I don't know. But she didn't have it to give either. Sometimes she was rather cold.
My therapist says that we have a tendency to drift toward familiar territory not realizing that we are replacing one hurtful situation with another. In other words my mother with my partner.
The good doctor held me close and touched my heart. She felt my pain and loved me if only for that moment. I miss her! I miss that feeling of wholeness.
I didn't have the empty feelings last summer either; but I think I blew that. It was so foreign to me and so wonderful subconsciously I pushed it away. I guess we gravitate towards pain pushing away unfamiliar wonderful feelings. I don't know why? And it hurts that I did that. I hope that I have learned an important lesson and never repeat the past.
I'll be better now. I'll take two S.A.M.E. I'll do yoga and then Ill join more "coupled" ladies who are happy. I'll be okay. The universe is with me I know. I have hope! I am such a mess. I in love with another young woman - maybe I am nuts!
I hope like hell that I'm learning something positive for my next life and that is the reason then that I do all this negative stuff to myself. Spiritual minded people say we choose our parents and our life experiences for a reason. So far, I'm confused and have no clue why I would do this to myself.
Born to a cold unfeeling mother, and there but absent father and cold, distance siblings that were just plain mean. Why would I do that to myself? Ending up suppressing all feeling when I should have been making love to young women like myself (not men) and possibly at least wanting to have babies. I denied myself of living and feeling.
It's all too late now and I can't go back and redo or re choose. So, I have to hope this life is a learning life for my super happy and loving next life. In my next life my mother will be like that mother in that insurance ad picture. And my heart won't hurt. And I"ll be emotionally and socially free to tell someone that I love them, even if they are of the same sex. And we will love each other very much and be happy with great love and most of all loving tenderness and affection.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Remembering that I learned so much from 05SL
05SL (summer love of 2005) changed my life for the better! I was just thinking of that today as I rode about the city. She brought me life. She allowed me to realize (along with several therapist through the year; but she, manly) that I do not have to associate with my family. I am so much more happier now that I haven't for over a year. Sorry folks but there is nothing wrong with me - for a change! They just drained the life out of me I had to separate from them.
05SL also made me realize how deeply I could feel for someone and I love that feeling. Even though she is no longer in my life, believe me; she is in my life. I think pleasant thoughts about her a lot. I'd say thoughts of her pass through my mind at least once a day; happy thoughts.
She taught me so much! She made me see life and children (for some reason) in a special way. They are precious, as she was precious to me, with wondering eyes so curious. And their little hands they hold together fingers touching as they gaze in wonder. They're adorable!
05SL showed me that I could love and live and be alive again! I needed her so much, when I met her and she was there for me waiting...on those steps. I'll never forget her and always be here for her if she should ever need me. In her heart I know she cares. I know what we had and the time we spent together was priceless.
They say, people pass in and out of our lives for a reason. Wow! She had so many reasons for me. She more than did her part and I love her still, very much for that. She doesn't have to be in my life for me to feel this way. It's a love of gratitude. She taught me how to feel again!
I was just thinking of her today. And I realized that instead of thinking love is all over for me. I think truly it's just beginning. I think 05SL, just as my ex of many years, are stepping stones in a chain of events toward more happiness.
I think 05SL came into my life to teach me, not in words, that there is still young love for me that is coming. There might even be a child involved.. maybe one that is not here yet.
I read recently where an older ex-publishers in his fifties married a woman in her 20s and they began raising children. He said his life has just begone; and that he realizes he was not ready until now for all of this to happen. I think I know how he feels. Life is more precious to us now and we have so much more to give now. I realize that I had suppressed my emotions and denied myself feelings for years. I'm reborn now! So, I'm thinking, if the one I care about (who seems so like me) cares about me too... I'm going for it!
I will no longer just sit and be sad of how I have felt cheated out of young love with women. I have vowed to live what I have missed. Anyway, I'm giving it the best shot I know how.
Maybe too, it's why I have stayed so physically strong and active all these years when I have denied myself true life. My parents had me in such a state I never wanted children. I never knew love. I am finally, allowing myself to feel these things and it's wonderful.
And thank you so much 05SL for loving me and allowing me to love you. You saved my life. I was reborn through you. Thank you!
05SL also made me realize how deeply I could feel for someone and I love that feeling. Even though she is no longer in my life, believe me; she is in my life. I think pleasant thoughts about her a lot. I'd say thoughts of her pass through my mind at least once a day; happy thoughts.
She taught me so much! She made me see life and children (for some reason) in a special way. They are precious, as she was precious to me, with wondering eyes so curious. And their little hands they hold together fingers touching as they gaze in wonder. They're adorable!
05SL showed me that I could love and live and be alive again! I needed her so much, when I met her and she was there for me waiting...on those steps. I'll never forget her and always be here for her if she should ever need me. In her heart I know she cares. I know what we had and the time we spent together was priceless.
They say, people pass in and out of our lives for a reason. Wow! She had so many reasons for me. She more than did her part and I love her still, very much for that. She doesn't have to be in my life for me to feel this way. It's a love of gratitude. She taught me how to feel again!
I was just thinking of her today. And I realized that instead of thinking love is all over for me. I think truly it's just beginning. I think 05SL, just as my ex of many years, are stepping stones in a chain of events toward more happiness.
I think 05SL came into my life to teach me, not in words, that there is still young love for me that is coming. There might even be a child involved.. maybe one that is not here yet.
I read recently where an older ex-publishers in his fifties married a woman in her 20s and they began raising children. He said his life has just begone; and that he realizes he was not ready until now for all of this to happen. I think I know how he feels. Life is more precious to us now and we have so much more to give now. I realize that I had suppressed my emotions and denied myself feelings for years. I'm reborn now! So, I'm thinking, if the one I care about (who seems so like me) cares about me too... I'm going for it!
I will no longer just sit and be sad of how I have felt cheated out of young love with women. I have vowed to live what I have missed. Anyway, I'm giving it the best shot I know how.
Maybe too, it's why I have stayed so physically strong and active all these years when I have denied myself true life. My parents had me in such a state I never wanted children. I never knew love. I am finally, allowing myself to feel these things and it's wonderful.
And thank you so much 05SL for loving me and allowing me to love you. You saved my life. I was reborn through you. Thank you!
A quick word!
I'm tired and it's time for bed since I will be leaving bright and early at 6:00 AM to ride the 32 mile loop at SIUE with three other friends.
I had a great day! First of by joining my running group and actually being flirted with. I think? Anyway it was playful and fun. This group is filled is fabulous like-minded and fun people. We had someone at the restaurant we go to for breakfast ask if they could join the group. Of course, we were glad to see that they were interested.
After that fun time; the weather was so lovely I had to ride around for bit. So I ran an errand and rode to south city to get a snack at the bread company.
I got home and made my broccoli salad for tomorrow evening and found that I fried the whole pound of bacon instead of only half of it; so I invited L over for BLT's that is if she had bread and tomotoes. I had everything else!
The electricity came back on at 4:00 AM last night and I quick got up and turned the A/C off before it kicked on because it was not going to be needed. It was in the low 60's last evening with a fabulous breeze.
So far, so good! My power has managed to stay on. Lately, it's been a day to day event to see if it saves on and it haven't been.
I'm looking forward to the ride in the morning. I bought donuts for energy. I'll eat at lease two before I get there; I need to be able to keep up with these guys. Last ride, last Sunday, I worked my tail off!
Wish me luck!
I had a great day! First of by joining my running group and actually being flirted with. I think? Anyway it was playful and fun. This group is filled is fabulous like-minded and fun people. We had someone at the restaurant we go to for breakfast ask if they could join the group. Of course, we were glad to see that they were interested.
After that fun time; the weather was so lovely I had to ride around for bit. So I ran an errand and rode to south city to get a snack at the bread company.
I got home and made my broccoli salad for tomorrow evening and found that I fried the whole pound of bacon instead of only half of it; so I invited L over for BLT's that is if she had bread and tomotoes. I had everything else!
The electricity came back on at 4:00 AM last night and I quick got up and turned the A/C off before it kicked on because it was not going to be needed. It was in the low 60's last evening with a fabulous breeze.
So far, so good! My power has managed to stay on. Lately, it's been a day to day event to see if it saves on and it haven't been.
I'm looking forward to the ride in the morning. I bought donuts for energy. I'll eat at lease two before I get there; I need to be able to keep up with these guys. Last ride, last Sunday, I worked my tail off!
Wish me luck!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Life
Today's Libra DailyOM horoscope: You have the power to instigate some major changes in your life, and if you are wise, you will consider multiple ways in which these changes can be made. Find the part of you inside that needs a boost. Find the area that is lacking passion.
I love a mystery? And I love a challenge! And I love woman! But god help me Ilove younger women. Is it because I was denied sharing their love in the past? No wonder I am estranged from my family, the church and think fundamentalist Christians do not have a clue. To them it is all about rules and control and what you are expected to do with your life; not what is in your heart. I tried so hard to live the strange life. I am sure so many lesbians at heart tried to; no wonder, I didn't know others might exist. In my mind, I was all alone with my heart ache. It was my personal secret, desiring the touch and love of a woman. I was so misguided by society!
And now again, I have come to know a beautiful young woman. I can get lost in her eyes. We are so much alike; I dare ask what her astrological sign is. I know it's not Taurus! She must be Libra, or my compliment sign. We talk easily and share many the same ideals and thoughts.
The power is getting ready to go out again....on no not again.......I'm praying.....Yes, my power finally came on at 4 am this morning (Friday) after going out at 8 PM on Wednesday. Emma and I were hot last night and sat on the patio till late. I kept the door open for her so she could come in and out as I went to lie on the bed.
Oh Oh, the sky is very dark... we're in for it now. I logging out and powering off everything.
My A/C has ran continously since 4 AM this morning when it came back on...
So far no rain, but winds and ominous clous. by
I love a mystery? And I love a challenge! And I love woman! But god help me Ilove younger women. Is it because I was denied sharing their love in the past? No wonder I am estranged from my family, the church and think fundamentalist Christians do not have a clue. To them it is all about rules and control and what you are expected to do with your life; not what is in your heart. I tried so hard to live the strange life. I am sure so many lesbians at heart tried to; no wonder, I didn't know others might exist. In my mind, I was all alone with my heart ache. It was my personal secret, desiring the touch and love of a woman. I was so misguided by society!
And now again, I have come to know a beautiful young woman. I can get lost in her eyes. We are so much alike; I dare ask what her astrological sign is. I know it's not Taurus! She must be Libra, or my compliment sign. We talk easily and share many the same ideals and thoughts.
The power is getting ready to go out again....on no not again.......I'm praying.....Yes, my power finally came on at 4 am this morning (Friday) after going out at 8 PM on Wednesday. Emma and I were hot last night and sat on the patio till late. I kept the door open for her so she could come in and out as I went to lie on the bed.
Oh Oh, the sky is very dark... we're in for it now. I logging out and powering off everything.
My A/C has ran continously since 4 AM this morning when it came back on...
So far no rain, but winds and ominous clous. by
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
"Make it Magical!"
When every I am on my way to attend a party or meet up with people and I think of it I said. "Make it magical!".
If I'm scared I said the "Angel of God my guardian dear" prayer that I learned as a kid in Catholic grade school.
Friday evening on the way to a party I felt uncertain, it being a family affair and all. So I prayed and wished the evening to be fun and magical. And it was!
While there I was in the moment taking it all in. At first felt a little estranged for about the first thirty minutes but then settled down while speaking to the quests. So, it was going okay.
What made it magical was when someone very dear to me appeared through the patio door onto the deck. I had no idea she would be there. My heart raced! But, I quickly recovered and continued to appear calm and preoccupied with the conversation I was already engaged in. Later on I spoke briefly to her. It was good to see! It was very good to see her! See, it was magical!
Last evening on the way to the park to meet friends and run with the group I asked the universe for the evening to be magical also. Again, I was in the moment, not preoccupied with wandering thoughts. I was into what she was saying. Yes, in the moment. Again, it was magical!
This evening is yoga, right down the street, I thinking I want it to be magical. This request should be fairly easy since I truly like going to yoga class and I haven't been for two weeks. So, of course, I am looking forward to it! It should be magical.
It's the best! I love to say to myself (and the universe) make it magical and then; abracadabra, it is!
While I'm at it! Let's try this: I want to look and feel in my mid thirties! Well, I already feel that way so I"m halfway there! Great! Fabulous! It's magic!
We are masters of our universe? Do we have much more power than we think; what we can imagine? Why not give it a shot? Be magical!
While I'm at it! I wonder if this works only on me for me or another person to? Here goes: If it won't cause any harm or future woes or hard feelings...allow her to love me and feel about me the way I feel about her. Make it magical!
Now here is where I hesitate. I don't want to hurt her in anyway. Do I truly have enough confidence to pull this one off? Is it right? Can we keep it on the casual side and have it for what it is? Her big smile showed me she was glad to see me. Or we close, but with a huge distance between us? She's just so easy to be with. Am I blind!
Now see this is what gets in the way of a situation becoming "magical" and that is my self doubt! I need to scratch the self doubt!
I don't want to assume or inflate my ego. But, I do want to see if I have learned anything from my last romance about myself; and this is the only way I am going to find out. So, make it magical.
Namaste!
If I'm scared I said the "Angel of God my guardian dear" prayer that I learned as a kid in Catholic grade school.
Friday evening on the way to a party I felt uncertain, it being a family affair and all. So I prayed and wished the evening to be fun and magical. And it was!
While there I was in the moment taking it all in. At first felt a little estranged for about the first thirty minutes but then settled down while speaking to the quests. So, it was going okay.
What made it magical was when someone very dear to me appeared through the patio door onto the deck. I had no idea she would be there. My heart raced! But, I quickly recovered and continued to appear calm and preoccupied with the conversation I was already engaged in. Later on I spoke briefly to her. It was good to see! It was very good to see her! See, it was magical!
Last evening on the way to the park to meet friends and run with the group I asked the universe for the evening to be magical also. Again, I was in the moment, not preoccupied with wandering thoughts. I was into what she was saying. Yes, in the moment. Again, it was magical!
This evening is yoga, right down the street, I thinking I want it to be magical. This request should be fairly easy since I truly like going to yoga class and I haven't been for two weeks. So, of course, I am looking forward to it! It should be magical.
It's the best! I love to say to myself (and the universe) make it magical and then; abracadabra, it is!
While I'm at it! Let's try this: I want to look and feel in my mid thirties! Well, I already feel that way so I"m halfway there! Great! Fabulous! It's magic!
We are masters of our universe? Do we have much more power than we think; what we can imagine? Why not give it a shot? Be magical!
While I'm at it! I wonder if this works only on me for me or another person to? Here goes: If it won't cause any harm or future woes or hard feelings...allow her to love me and feel about me the way I feel about her. Make it magical!
Now here is where I hesitate. I don't want to hurt her in anyway. Do I truly have enough confidence to pull this one off? Is it right? Can we keep it on the casual side and have it for what it is? Her big smile showed me she was glad to see me. Or we close, but with a huge distance between us? She's just so easy to be with. Am I blind!
Now see this is what gets in the way of a situation becoming "magical" and that is my self doubt! I need to scratch the self doubt!
I don't want to assume or inflate my ego. But, I do want to see if I have learned anything from my last romance about myself; and this is the only way I am going to find out. So, make it magical.
Namaste!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Good Old Summertime!
The heat index downtown today was 118 amongst the tall buildings and concrete. Wow! And tomorrow promised to be just as bad!
Yes, today was hot! I started my run early about 6:30 PM and ran about five miles; then stopped at Starbucks to get something cold to drink and a snack to get me the two miles home.
In the afternoon I did about 35 minutes of yoga poses. I always feel energies afterwards. Then at 5:30Pm met up with my running group.
I parked my car under the shade of an oak tree around the building on the breezes corner here.
Whew! And now I can't keep my eyes open. I'm heading for bed!
Yes, today was hot! I started my run early about 6:30 PM and ran about five miles; then stopped at Starbucks to get something cold to drink and a snack to get me the two miles home.
In the afternoon I did about 35 minutes of yoga poses. I always feel energies afterwards. Then at 5:30Pm met up with my running group.
I parked my car under the shade of an oak tree around the building on the breezes corner here.
Whew! And now I can't keep my eyes open. I'm heading for bed!
I made it and she's just adorable!
This is different. I think we sort of clicked when we met! We talked very easy together. We think alike and practically talk alike.
She's adorable. So cute! She warms my heart and I enjoy being in her company.
We had a good run. We are getting better or we just ran our own pace where we can talk and run. The other's left us in the dust.
I'm glad I went this evening; I almost never due to the heat and having another thing I could have done.
Running wasn't bad, we talked and once in a while there was a breeze and before we knew it we were finished. And then we stayed and talked more and enjoyed the breeze beginning to feel cool on my wet bodies and clothes.
We'll meet up again Thursday. I feel close to her. I did as soon as I met her. Maybe we knew each other in some capacity in a precious life.
I am happy to know her.
She's adorable. So cute! She warms my heart and I enjoy being in her company.
We had a good run. We are getting better or we just ran our own pace where we can talk and run. The other's left us in the dust.
I'm glad I went this evening; I almost never due to the heat and having another thing I could have done.
Running wasn't bad, we talked and once in a while there was a breeze and before we knew it we were finished. And then we stayed and talked more and enjoyed the breeze beginning to feel cool on my wet bodies and clothes.
We'll meet up again Thursday. I feel close to her. I did as soon as I met her. Maybe we knew each other in some capacity in a precious life.
I am happy to know her.
Running again this evening!
I already ran about six miles this morning and for sure walked three. That was at 6:30 this morning.
Now, it's 5:00 and I'll be leaving soon to head to the park. Hey, Universe! Make it magical! Make it quit! Most of all make it cool, if you can! How about a nice breeze. Oh, I think we have that already; but it's hot!
Wish me luck!
I ran this morning, did yoga this afternoon and now I plan on running about 4 or maybe I'll walk. I think I'll run out the shady area and possibly run back that way again! I'm just intuitive and I can figure this stuff out. Just stay in the shade.
The temperature is 98 with 56% humidity. It's a pretty dry heat. My car is parked in the shade. See, always thinking ahead! And when I come home I'm having popcorn.
Yes, I'm on a tight budget and therefore healthy diet. My flat little belly is just as cute as can be; it's looking for another cute little belly to press against :)
I have someone in mind - it's a far reach! But, hey, nothing is impossible and love crosses all borders and boundaries, sometimes! Anyway, it has in the recent past!
Well, off I go! Wish we a cool run with warmth radiating only from the hearts of my friends not up from the pavement!
Universe! Thanks for all you do! Thanks for my ability to be so active, healthy, and wise enough to know to be that way! Thank you for all my loves, past, present and future! Thank you for my youthfulness of spirit, body and mind.
Take heart! Namaste!
Now, it's 5:00 and I'll be leaving soon to head to the park. Hey, Universe! Make it magical! Make it quit! Most of all make it cool, if you can! How about a nice breeze. Oh, I think we have that already; but it's hot!
Wish me luck!
I ran this morning, did yoga this afternoon and now I plan on running about 4 or maybe I'll walk. I think I'll run out the shady area and possibly run back that way again! I'm just intuitive and I can figure this stuff out. Just stay in the shade.
The temperature is 98 with 56% humidity. It's a pretty dry heat. My car is parked in the shade. See, always thinking ahead! And when I come home I'm having popcorn.
Yes, I'm on a tight budget and therefore healthy diet. My flat little belly is just as cute as can be; it's looking for another cute little belly to press against :)
I have someone in mind - it's a far reach! But, hey, nothing is impossible and love crosses all borders and boundaries, sometimes! Anyway, it has in the recent past!
Well, off I go! Wish we a cool run with warmth radiating only from the hearts of my friends not up from the pavement!
Universe! Thanks for all you do! Thanks for my ability to be so active, healthy, and wise enough to know to be that way! Thank you for all my loves, past, present and future! Thank you for my youthfulness of spirit, body and mind.
Take heart! Namaste!
Who Knows?
I can't believe that gal asked me out again after we didn't click. And at the concert, it appeared her friends were more excited to see me. She didn't even wave!
So, scratch that one! I am beginning to feel the universe work with me, however! Events and people will be re-programmed and rearranged and someone will fall in love with me and me with them at first sight. Maybe it's happened already! Now we will find that we click!
The relationship will be passionate and loving! And most importantly of all MUTAL! Yes, I do believe that TWO people can both love at want each other physically at the same time.
I feel it happening! It will be magical! I'm due; overdue! The slate is clear. No hang ups clouding the way the mucking up the water. I'm carefree and free to fall in love!
I want to fall into some one's arms and feel so turned-on I can't stand it! Like last time, when I could just never get enough of her.
I want to adore her; worship it!
She's cute, adorable with wonderful eyes. She should be the older one, but she's the younger one. This time it won't get in my way!
What we have will be magical and on going and most of all relaxed. No hurry! No demands! Only enjoying each other's company and warmth!
So, scratch that one! I am beginning to feel the universe work with me, however! Events and people will be re-programmed and rearranged and someone will fall in love with me and me with them at first sight. Maybe it's happened already! Now we will find that we click!
The relationship will be passionate and loving! And most importantly of all MUTAL! Yes, I do believe that TWO people can both love at want each other physically at the same time.
I feel it happening! It will be magical! I'm due; overdue! The slate is clear. No hang ups clouding the way the mucking up the water. I'm carefree and free to fall in love!
I want to fall into some one's arms and feel so turned-on I can't stand it! Like last time, when I could just never get enough of her.
I want to adore her; worship it!
She's cute, adorable with wonderful eyes. She should be the older one, but she's the younger one. This time it won't get in my way!
What we have will be magical and on going and most of all relaxed. No hurry! No demands! Only enjoying each other's company and warmth!
Being Myself?
From DailyOM: When you are comfortable being yourself while among groups of diverse individuals of various levels of social status, your personality will help you maintain a solid presence. Often, when we find ourselves interacting with people whose demeanor's are domineering or who are forcefully expressive, we feel uncomfortable and simply fade into the background while others exert control.
Being yourself, however, means being comfortable with who you are and your level of accomplishment. You will let the light of your personality shine forth and, in doing so, you will become a vital part of the gatherings in which you take part. As a result, people will be eager to hear your thoughts and ideas. When you allow your natural personality to shine today, you will present a confident and knowledgeable air.
That's me! When I am with a domineering woman who is forcefully expressive, I do feel uncomfortable and fade into the background while she exerts control.
In the past I gravitated towards domineering personalities; it's the way my mother was. I am conditioned I guess. It's painful and I can do it for a while; maybe months, maybe years. But then after a while I go away! Either I push you away or just go away.
All I want to do is love and be loving with common regard and equality, if you will, for each other. I think it's called consideration.
My Ex always got wrapped up in the moment and spoke over me, drowned me out, or offered my services. " X will do it for you!" Well, what can I say when she says it in front of a group of people. "I said you would do this for so and so!" She did this recently.
Apparently we are falling back into the same patterns and drove me away in the first place.
I can't take pushy and bossy.
What I can take is a lot of affection and sweetness.
I want to be in love! I want to be head over heels in love and have her love me too. I would love for her to be very compassionate, sweet and loving!
Sounds like a dang miracle to me! Oh and sexy, slim, athletic and cute!
Being yourself, however, means being comfortable with who you are and your level of accomplishment. You will let the light of your personality shine forth and, in doing so, you will become a vital part of the gatherings in which you take part. As a result, people will be eager to hear your thoughts and ideas. When you allow your natural personality to shine today, you will present a confident and knowledgeable air.
That's me! When I am with a domineering woman who is forcefully expressive, I do feel uncomfortable and fade into the background while she exerts control.
In the past I gravitated towards domineering personalities; it's the way my mother was. I am conditioned I guess. It's painful and I can do it for a while; maybe months, maybe years. But then after a while I go away! Either I push you away or just go away.
All I want to do is love and be loving with common regard and equality, if you will, for each other. I think it's called consideration.
My Ex always got wrapped up in the moment and spoke over me, drowned me out, or offered my services. " X will do it for you!" Well, what can I say when she says it in front of a group of people. "I said you would do this for so and so!" She did this recently.
Apparently we are falling back into the same patterns and drove me away in the first place.
I can't take pushy and bossy.
What I can take is a lot of affection and sweetness.
I want to be in love! I want to be head over heels in love and have her love me too. I would love for her to be very compassionate, sweet and loving!
Sounds like a dang miracle to me! Oh and sexy, slim, athletic and cute!
Monday, July 17, 2006
The Universe and Me
Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.
What can I say? The above is my horoscope from DailyOM. I'm not sure if I believe the universe tests us?
Before we as spirits choose to come to earth as a human being. We decide what we are going to be like, when we are going to be born, what our parents will be like.
We come with a plan, a goal. And then our parents, society, religion, and the government get in the way of our plans.
I have no idea what my plan was or is? I could be here to prepare for my next life. I could be here to learn love and give love. I could be here to be happy and have fun for a change. For some reason, I do not think that my past lives were all that happy. I think that there was a lot of hard work and suffering in the way of physical, mental and emotional.
All I know that is I am just sitting back and relaxing and enjoying life. I have everything I want except sweet love and lots of sex.
Maybe the universe does test me? I dreamed of love but so more, what I want and mean is not happening. I want love to be fun, a sharing, giving and receiving, an appreciation for each other; softness and sweetness.
She is on her way. This time she will come to me and choose me and make me see the light. I will be very attracted to her at first sight. Yes, love at first sight! How exciting is that.
What can I say? The above is my horoscope from DailyOM. I'm not sure if I believe the universe tests us?
Before we as spirits choose to come to earth as a human being. We decide what we are going to be like, when we are going to be born, what our parents will be like.
We come with a plan, a goal. And then our parents, society, religion, and the government get in the way of our plans.
I have no idea what my plan was or is? I could be here to prepare for my next life. I could be here to learn love and give love. I could be here to be happy and have fun for a change. For some reason, I do not think that my past lives were all that happy. I think that there was a lot of hard work and suffering in the way of physical, mental and emotional.
All I know that is I am just sitting back and relaxing and enjoying life. I have everything I want except sweet love and lots of sex.
Maybe the universe does test me? I dreamed of love but so more, what I want and mean is not happening. I want love to be fun, a sharing, giving and receiving, an appreciation for each other; softness and sweetness.
She is on her way. This time she will come to me and choose me and make me see the light. I will be very attracted to her at first sight. Yes, love at first sight! How exciting is that.
Laying Low in South America - on the beach..
I wonder how Ken Lay is doing in South America? Oh! I forgot, he had a massive heart attack and died!
Don't you think that would make a great movie. George Clooney are you listening; this would be a good one for you to do.
Yeah, Ken Lay faked his death; such an action was encouraged by members of high political standing who could have been implimented when the case came to trial.
Hey, doesn't the goverment has a witness potection policy so it would have been easy for them to do this?
Makes you wonder?
Don't you think that would make a great movie. George Clooney are you listening; this would be a good one for you to do.
Yeah, Ken Lay faked his death; such an action was encouraged by members of high political standing who could have been implimented when the case came to trial.
Hey, doesn't the goverment has a witness potection policy so it would have been easy for them to do this?
Makes you wonder?
Ten Years after TWA Flight 800
In New York there is a memorial today for the 230 some people who were killed when their was a fuel line problem with TWA Flight 800?
Remember that day? Many people thought they saw something like a hand held shoulder launched missile fired headed up toward the plane.
Piece by piece the plane was put back together and examined but families are left torn apart and mourning the lost of children and friends lookng forward to a trip to Paris.
So sad it is!
Remember that day? Many people thought they saw something like a hand held shoulder launched missile fired headed up toward the plane.
Piece by piece the plane was put back together and examined but families are left torn apart and mourning the lost of children and friends lookng forward to a trip to Paris.
So sad it is!
Not too hot to run..
I was to meet my friend Liz at the lake to walk around it; then I got a brainstorm when I woke up and decided to rush to get out there early so I could run around the lake before we walked around it.
I did it. I ran about four miles. I did fine! I had no breakfast. I had popcorn for dinner! Love it. I'm on a diet. I have a "cute" little belly.
While sitting watching TV in my undershirt and light flannel long pants with belly showing, I thought. "Seems like I should be sharing this with someone?"
Oh well! How about rent a woman for an evening! Well, it might not be such a bad idea. Everyone has such hang ups including me. I don't like being bossed. And I don't like losing myself in a relationship and I always do. If only I didn't fall in love.
Well, my therapist calls it "fascination". I think she was hallucinating. Pardon me, but she appeared to be an ex catholic nun of the worse kind. She dressed matronly. Then I noticed by the three week she looked more feminine. I was dressing feminine then too.
Anyway, I thought I "loved" she thought I was fascinated by them. Let me tell you that I would much rather be knocked in the head in love. It's so much more exciting and makes your heart beat wildly. Call it what you wish!
I did it. I ran about four miles. I did fine! I had no breakfast. I had popcorn for dinner! Love it. I'm on a diet. I have a "cute" little belly.
While sitting watching TV in my undershirt and light flannel long pants with belly showing, I thought. "Seems like I should be sharing this with someone?"
Oh well! How about rent a woman for an evening! Well, it might not be such a bad idea. Everyone has such hang ups including me. I don't like being bossed. And I don't like losing myself in a relationship and I always do. If only I didn't fall in love.
Well, my therapist calls it "fascination". I think she was hallucinating. Pardon me, but she appeared to be an ex catholic nun of the worse kind. She dressed matronly. Then I noticed by the three week she looked more feminine. I was dressing feminine then too.
Anyway, I thought I "loved" she thought I was fascinated by them. Let me tell you that I would much rather be knocked in the head in love. It's so much more exciting and makes your heart beat wildly. Call it what you wish!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
What God?
Personally, I believe the power lies in each and every one of us. Of course the church, any church, would not want YOU, little peon, to think that. If you are not broke, then they have nothing to boss, preach about, discriminate against or fix! Think about it! Follow the money!
Look up at all the gold hanging on the big cathedral ceilings, you sinner! Yeah right! Just who really are the sinner's here - the religious elites in cahoots with the political elites. They are rich while you are poor! You can't be a big shot leader and have not have the poor to push in a corner and control. It's all about control and power over others. Think about it!
You can't be a big shot leader if you have no followers. So stop playing into their hands. Stop playing their games.
It's common sense people! Learn to reason and think for yourself. I know, it takes effort - but you can do it. You can read and learn to read between the lines.
Listen to NPR radio during the week, start early in the morning and listen all day and you will be amazed as how your thinking can be right-on.
We are all spiritual beings filled with spiritual energy; we can make things happen. We can dream it and have it come true.
I am grateful to have learned and understood this after so many years of religious and conservative religious influenced social standards. We have been sucker punched! It's time we stand up for ourselves and do our own reasoning and stop following these insane people who lead us down the paths of war and evil. "They" the warmongers are the evil ones. You don't see a bunch of homosexuals getting in battle and starting wars do you? So who are the evil ones here.....the religious. Yeah, all in the name of god? Tell me another one and I'll sell you a bridge!
Look up at all the gold hanging on the big cathedral ceilings, you sinner! Yeah right! Just who really are the sinner's here - the religious elites in cahoots with the political elites. They are rich while you are poor! You can't be a big shot leader and have not have the poor to push in a corner and control. It's all about control and power over others. Think about it!
You can't be a big shot leader if you have no followers. So stop playing into their hands. Stop playing their games.
It's common sense people! Learn to reason and think for yourself. I know, it takes effort - but you can do it. You can read and learn to read between the lines.
Listen to NPR radio during the week, start early in the morning and listen all day and you will be amazed as how your thinking can be right-on.
We are all spiritual beings filled with spiritual energy; we can make things happen. We can dream it and have it come true.
I am grateful to have learned and understood this after so many years of religious and conservative religious influenced social standards. We have been sucker punched! It's time we stand up for ourselves and do our own reasoning and stop following these insane people who lead us down the paths of war and evil. "They" the warmongers are the evil ones. You don't see a bunch of homosexuals getting in battle and starting wars do you? So who are the evil ones here.....the religious. Yeah, all in the name of god? Tell me another one and I'll sell you a bridge!
It's Hot!
I may have to skip golf tomorrow evening! I may have to skip running Tuesday evening, but I'm not totally sure about that. I can do yoga at home both day.
I'm tired! I was up early to ride with friends near the river and next Sunday we'll ride around the trail near the college across the river.
I believe the new city school superintendent will clear up the mess that is going on. Well, after all she's a woman. She'll get it cleaned up!
We need more women in powerful positions! Just think about it, what gender is most likely to fight, kill, rape and start wars! What gender is more likely to preform daring stunts, just for the adrenaline thrill of it all. Fearless and brainless! It's not rocket science! What president and conservative government hides behind religion and gets us into a needless war over oil? We are backwards. We are fighting over oil only because there is a limited amount. Brazil has it all over us using 100% Ethanol made from their leading crop which is sugar cane. Nothing gets wasted; what isn't used for sugar gets made into Ethanol. Bush and cronies are good busy fighting a needless, in humane war in the middle east.
Yet we let another insane leader, the emperor of N. Korea go on creating more and more nuclear warheads and letting his people starve to death.
And the Republicans apparently cannot see into the near future, because they care nothing about global warming and the lives of future generations; otherwise they would get on the bandwagon. Let the Bush administration gives more and more leeway to big industries regarding clean air! Bush is a hypocrite!
People are just plain ignorant too when it comes to religion. Most religious sects work with the republican party; they are in cahoots. I guess they can tell the average citizen anything and they'll believe it. God would not discriminate. God created us all and god does not make mistakes. God would not turn one group against another for political and monetary gain!
It's not rocket science people - you are being had! And there is totally nothing in it for you only the Ken Lay's of big corporations. Personally, I do not believe that he is dead. I think he is sitting on a beach somewhere counting your money!
Something to think about isn't it? Hey, just my own personal opinion and we still enjoy the freedoms of free speech in this country.
I'm tired! I was up early to ride with friends near the river and next Sunday we'll ride around the trail near the college across the river.
I believe the new city school superintendent will clear up the mess that is going on. Well, after all she's a woman. She'll get it cleaned up!
We need more women in powerful positions! Just think about it, what gender is most likely to fight, kill, rape and start wars! What gender is more likely to preform daring stunts, just for the adrenaline thrill of it all. Fearless and brainless! It's not rocket science! What president and conservative government hides behind religion and gets us into a needless war over oil? We are backwards. We are fighting over oil only because there is a limited amount. Brazil has it all over us using 100% Ethanol made from their leading crop which is sugar cane. Nothing gets wasted; what isn't used for sugar gets made into Ethanol. Bush and cronies are good busy fighting a needless, in humane war in the middle east.
Yet we let another insane leader, the emperor of N. Korea go on creating more and more nuclear warheads and letting his people starve to death.
And the Republicans apparently cannot see into the near future, because they care nothing about global warming and the lives of future generations; otherwise they would get on the bandwagon. Let the Bush administration gives more and more leeway to big industries regarding clean air! Bush is a hypocrite!
People are just plain ignorant too when it comes to religion. Most religious sects work with the republican party; they are in cahoots. I guess they can tell the average citizen anything and they'll believe it. God would not discriminate. God created us all and god does not make mistakes. God would not turn one group against another for political and monetary gain!
It's not rocket science people - you are being had! And there is totally nothing in it for you only the Ken Lay's of big corporations. Personally, I do not believe that he is dead. I think he is sitting on a beach somewhere counting your money!
Something to think about isn't it? Hey, just my own personal opinion and we still enjoy the freedoms of free speech in this country.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Horoscope could be right on, then maybe not!
My Horoscope for today: July 15 Hold on to your hat today, dear Libra, and be ready for change. You are coming to a critical point in your emotional cycle in which your heart is feeling burdened and heavy, as though it is being held down by a lead weight. At the same time, the ground beneath you doesn't feel stable, and you can't find your balance. Don't try to stay in one place. As with riding a bicycle, you have to be moving to maintain your balance.
Actually, the lesbian book I bought at Left Bank Book's from the lesbian club list is rather good. It's called "Manstealing For Fat Girls" by Michelle Embree. It's a very sharp look at adolescent longing and angst. I worry (there I go again) about the main character whose mother's idiot boyfriend has just moved in with them. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. The book is an insight into the youth of the sixties. But, I think probably pretty much applies to situations the youth of today face also; especially youths living and going to school in poor areas of the city.
The movie "Peaceful Warrior" is a movie about the book of the same name by Dan Millman is a highly recommended spiritual event. It will be shown in my city in a couple of weeks. I just ordered a used book from Amazon.
Dan Millman as also written Scared Journey and The Journeys of Socrates. He has written several guidance books too: "No Ordinary Moment", "The Life You Were Meant To Live" (I own this one, it's a great book), "The Laws of Spirit", "Living on Purpose" and "Everyday Enlightenment".
I plan on reading all of them...
Today I am feeling guilty! Damn! I don't know? Maybe it was a mistake to go to the concert with my ex who is my friend. I don't know? I don't know nothing about nothing any more. She did really enjoy the concert! My treat! Oh well!
I don't know anything about relationships. I was raised in isolation, in a prison camp with wolves. How in the hell, would I know anything about relationships? Okay, I am going to give myself about five more minutes of feeling guilty and then that is it.
I asked and Bonnie, my accountant, said we all makes choices and that I should only worry about my own financial situation. Our living expensives were very low when we were together we both had ample opportunity to save. But, I don't think her pain is just about financial woes. The parting was my idea and I feel very guilty. Okay, I'm done!
So, I'm left with that!
Well, okay, per my horoscope, I'll keep moving.
Actually, I'm okay! I'm numb! No, I'm fine, I guess. Well, I got everything done I wanted to get done today. I did all my chores: vacuuming, yoga, played guitar, brushed and walked Emma several times (that's not a chore!), and I read.
Actually, the lesbian book I bought at Left Bank Book's from the lesbian club list is rather good. It's called "Manstealing For Fat Girls" by Michelle Embree. It's a very sharp look at adolescent longing and angst. I worry (there I go again) about the main character whose mother's idiot boyfriend has just moved in with them. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. The book is an insight into the youth of the sixties. But, I think probably pretty much applies to situations the youth of today face also; especially youths living and going to school in poor areas of the city.
The movie "Peaceful Warrior" is a movie about the book of the same name by Dan Millman is a highly recommended spiritual event. It will be shown in my city in a couple of weeks. I just ordered a used book from Amazon.
Dan Millman as also written Scared Journey and The Journeys of Socrates. He has written several guidance books too: "No Ordinary Moment", "The Life You Were Meant To Live" (I own this one, it's a great book), "The Laws of Spirit", "Living on Purpose" and "Everyday Enlightenment".
I plan on reading all of them...
I typed it, then lost it all!
Okay, I'm not spending much time here now; after I had typed for an hour then lost it all somehow! But I was going on about how I was whining so much yesterday about my lost love!
And now that I think about it I was just glad to see her last night! It made my heart happy to see her. I wish her well. I know she is happy with C. And I know along the line somewhere I changed the dynamics of our relationship too. I'll never forget her, how I love her and how she changed my life for the better. There will always be a place in my heart for her. And my heart will beat just a little fast whenever I see her. Last night it was pumping away; I did not expect to see her at all!
The party was good! The BD girl has a very nice family. I so admire the BD girl. She's awesome and will make a wonderful Nurse Practitioner one day soon. Right now she is a surgical nurse in the Cardiac department and she harvests vein from Patience's arms and assists in by-pass and other heart surgeries such as transplants. Is that too cool?
It was nice seeing everyone last night.
Okay, I must move on for now. Too bad, I lost everything I wrote earlier. I was saying how good I feel about myself. How cute I am! How grateful I was for my many gifts of youth, activities, friends, safety, love, and happiness. And I wish the same for my friends.
I am very happy that I enjoy being active. Frankly, I think being active is key to being happy!
Thank you universe for my many gifts.
And no, I have not seen my family in over a year and I am happy for that! They don't bother to try to contact me either! Damn, I should have moved away 20 years ago! I could kick myself!
Have a great day! I ran this morning. Next is vacuuming so I can yoga, then guitar playing, then reading. Tomorrow morning early is a bicycle ride with some running friends.
Later! Love ya!
And now that I think about it I was just glad to see her last night! It made my heart happy to see her. I wish her well. I know she is happy with C. And I know along the line somewhere I changed the dynamics of our relationship too. I'll never forget her, how I love her and how she changed my life for the better. There will always be a place in my heart for her. And my heart will beat just a little fast whenever I see her. Last night it was pumping away; I did not expect to see her at all!
The party was good! The BD girl has a very nice family. I so admire the BD girl. She's awesome and will make a wonderful Nurse Practitioner one day soon. Right now she is a surgical nurse in the Cardiac department and she harvests vein from Patience's arms and assists in by-pass and other heart surgeries such as transplants. Is that too cool?
It was nice seeing everyone last night.
Okay, I must move on for now. Too bad, I lost everything I wrote earlier. I was saying how good I feel about myself. How cute I am! How grateful I was for my many gifts of youth, activities, friends, safety, love, and happiness. And I wish the same for my friends.
I am very happy that I enjoy being active. Frankly, I think being active is key to being happy!
Thank you universe for my many gifts.
And no, I have not seen my family in over a year and I am happy for that! They don't bother to try to contact me either! Damn, I should have moved away 20 years ago! I could kick myself!
Have a great day! I ran this morning. Next is vacuuming so I can yoga, then guitar playing, then reading. Tomorrow morning early is a bicycle ride with some running friends.
Later! Love ya!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Wow, I saw 05SL ... continued
I just can't let her go. Frankly, I don't want too. I want her to be in my heart. When she told me things, shared things with me back then; she made me feel needed. I meant it when I was loving to her. It did my heart good! I meant it when I said I would love her unconditionally forever. Well, god dang it, I'm stuck with those feelings and they won't go away. Wow, I felt needed for the first time and loving! I miss being physically close to her. Oh well! I''ll just have to hope she is okay. I just wanted to love her and be there for her. But, she doesn't need anyone..
I found that I loved feeling needed. I don't think I ever felt that way before and it made me feel whole somehow. I see life in a different way now.
I even see little kids in a different ways now...just how wonderful and precious they are. Funny, I see her eyes sometimes in their eyes. What in the world did she do to me?
Maybe it was a spiritual connection with me. I don't know?
What the hell happened to me when I met her?
All I know is that feeling love for someone and caring for someone is a wonderful thing and I am glad I can feel that way.
I'll just love her in my heart and wish good things for her.
She'll be fine! She's very smart, brilliant in fact. She has overcome so much. I am proud of her. She should be very proud of herself. She raised herself and I think learned not to trust or depend on anyone. I am really proud to have known her and loved her the way we loved each other for while. She was truly a gift for me. I think she saved my life then...for that I will love her forever. There will always be a part of my heart reserved just for her...
Was it that? Was it the intimacy we shared? Is that why I feel this way? Yes, but it was her heart too.
You know what? I loved her the minute I looked into her eyes when I first met her..or shortly thereafter when she was standing on the steps by the rail, where the group met. I'll never forget it. I did miss her when she went on that trip and I think I understood why she went. I think, but I'll never really know.
She so touched my heart when I learned her heart and saw it around kids. I was totally hooked when I watched her look for her keys and saw them sticking in the lock of the car door. And she giggled! Then I was totally gone! God, I loved her! So, blowing the kiss across the water came naturally. It just happened.
Oh well! She thinks I'm a freak! Oh well! I think I was meant to love her. I guess I blew that long time ago.
I never did understand the "I don't do relationships" statement. I always had those words in the back of my mind...so I knew the end would be coming even before it did. Is that why I made the end happen? The old self-fulfilled prophecy thing!
I'm sorry if I ever upset her or went against her wishes..and I know I did. I just want her to be okay, happy and feel loved. I am truly sorry I hurt her or made her mad.
It's okay if someone loves you.....you don't have to love them back. You don't have to feel obligated. I hope she knows that... I guess she does.
I remember long ago when guys would love me and I couldn't love them back. I just didn't get it. I couldn't understand their love for me. Who knows, maybe I'm still the same way. Maybe I'll always love the unobtainable because deep in my heart it's the only love I ever knew love - at a distance - unreachable.
As a kid my love was for anyone who was sweet to me...usually a young woman. If she was sweet to me, I instantly fell in love with her and daydreamed about her all the time...how she loved me. It was wonderful, pretending she loved me. It was the only love I knew. We get love the best way we can, I guess.
It makes me afraid, it's why I pushed 05SL away. She did love me I know and of all people I pushed her away. Oh well, it's all too late now. I'm sure she's okay and happy.. I hope so.
Or maybe she and I just deal with each other, the only way we can. Just little glimpses at a time. It just did my heart good to see her this evening. She touched my heart!
I wish she could talk to me..... I wish we could talk to each other.
I know she's happy and she is doing good...hell she did perfectly fine being on her own her whole life before she even knew me...how could I have made even a little crumb of a difference.
Stop thinking about her... she'll be fine. To her, I'm just someone to avoid, an annoyance!
It doesn't matter...she could walk up to me and pounce me in the gut and I still think I would care about her......because .. I think I understand her. I know she is done with me...she doesn't feel a thing for me.
God, what she does to my heart. I wish I could just hold her.. oh well!
Lou's the only one I talk to about her. She said maybe I should just let it go!
I can't! I mumbled something about - in time. All I know is that when I saw her for the first time, standing on those steps, and the moment I looked in her eyes.. I think I knew I was supposed to love her.
God, I am so insane! I must be nuts! She won't have to worry about me bothering her.. I won't. I'll just keep her in my heart and think about her from time to time..
She needs to feel proud of herself, if she doesn't. She needs to feel love for herself, if she doesn't because she has overcome so much and is doing very well for herself.
She needs to continue pulling herself upward and doing proud...
Somewhere somehow, I hope she knows I love her and I'm very sorry if I ever made her mad or hurt her. I won't bother her. I will respect her space and therefore her wishes.
I used to tell her I loved her.. all the time. God, I must have been a pest!
Good night 05SL. I'll dream sweet dreams about you.
I found that I loved feeling needed. I don't think I ever felt that way before and it made me feel whole somehow. I see life in a different way now.
I even see little kids in a different ways now...just how wonderful and precious they are. Funny, I see her eyes sometimes in their eyes. What in the world did she do to me?
Maybe it was a spiritual connection with me. I don't know?
What the hell happened to me when I met her?
All I know is that feeling love for someone and caring for someone is a wonderful thing and I am glad I can feel that way.
I'll just love her in my heart and wish good things for her.
She'll be fine! She's very smart, brilliant in fact. She has overcome so much. I am proud of her. She should be very proud of herself. She raised herself and I think learned not to trust or depend on anyone. I am really proud to have known her and loved her the way we loved each other for while. She was truly a gift for me. I think she saved my life then...for that I will love her forever. There will always be a part of my heart reserved just for her...
Was it that? Was it the intimacy we shared? Is that why I feel this way? Yes, but it was her heart too.
You know what? I loved her the minute I looked into her eyes when I first met her..or shortly thereafter when she was standing on the steps by the rail, where the group met. I'll never forget it. I did miss her when she went on that trip and I think I understood why she went. I think, but I'll never really know.
She so touched my heart when I learned her heart and saw it around kids. I was totally hooked when I watched her look for her keys and saw them sticking in the lock of the car door. And she giggled! Then I was totally gone! God, I loved her! So, blowing the kiss across the water came naturally. It just happened.
Oh well! She thinks I'm a freak! Oh well! I think I was meant to love her. I guess I blew that long time ago.
I never did understand the "I don't do relationships" statement. I always had those words in the back of my mind...so I knew the end would be coming even before it did. Is that why I made the end happen? The old self-fulfilled prophecy thing!
I'm sorry if I ever upset her or went against her wishes..and I know I did. I just want her to be okay, happy and feel loved. I am truly sorry I hurt her or made her mad.
It's okay if someone loves you.....you don't have to love them back. You don't have to feel obligated. I hope she knows that... I guess she does.
I remember long ago when guys would love me and I couldn't love them back. I just didn't get it. I couldn't understand their love for me. Who knows, maybe I'm still the same way. Maybe I'll always love the unobtainable because deep in my heart it's the only love I ever knew love - at a distance - unreachable.
As a kid my love was for anyone who was sweet to me...usually a young woman. If she was sweet to me, I instantly fell in love with her and daydreamed about her all the time...how she loved me. It was wonderful, pretending she loved me. It was the only love I knew. We get love the best way we can, I guess.
It makes me afraid, it's why I pushed 05SL away. She did love me I know and of all people I pushed her away. Oh well, it's all too late now. I'm sure she's okay and happy.. I hope so.
Or maybe she and I just deal with each other, the only way we can. Just little glimpses at a time. It just did my heart good to see her this evening. She touched my heart!
I wish she could talk to me..... I wish we could talk to each other.
I know she's happy and she is doing good...hell she did perfectly fine being on her own her whole life before she even knew me...how could I have made even a little crumb of a difference.
Stop thinking about her... she'll be fine. To her, I'm just someone to avoid, an annoyance!
It doesn't matter...she could walk up to me and pounce me in the gut and I still think I would care about her......because .. I think I understand her. I know she is done with me...she doesn't feel a thing for me.
God, what she does to my heart. I wish I could just hold her.. oh well!
Lou's the only one I talk to about her. She said maybe I should just let it go!
I can't! I mumbled something about - in time. All I know is that when I saw her for the first time, standing on those steps, and the moment I looked in her eyes.. I think I knew I was supposed to love her.
God, I am so insane! I must be nuts! She won't have to worry about me bothering her.. I won't. I'll just keep her in my heart and think about her from time to time..
She needs to feel proud of herself, if she doesn't. She needs to feel love for herself, if she doesn't because she has overcome so much and is doing very well for herself.
She needs to continue pulling herself upward and doing proud...
Somewhere somehow, I hope she knows I love her and I'm very sorry if I ever made her mad or hurt her. I won't bother her. I will respect her space and therefore her wishes.
I used to tell her I loved her.. all the time. God, I must have been a pest!
Good night 05SL. I'll dream sweet dreams about you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)