Nothing has changed from when I was a kid regarding social demand and expectancies. Young women are expected to "find" a man!
I wonder how many are truly happy after the wedding gifts are all opened. And then they think a child may fix things or add spice to their marriage.
I guess any relationship is tough to predict.
I'm hoping I don't botch things up. I'm hoping I feel sexual and want her. I'm hoping she feels the same.
Our phone conversation was casual like fast friends we spoke easy.
I think that I am setting my mind to neutral, removing any thoughts, doubts, or expectations and just allowing things to happen as they should. The universe has a plan for me. A plan I designed then let go for the universe to arrange a plan. And now the universe is putting the plan into motion. I think it's magical and exciting..mostly magical. I think she and I together will be magical and bypass any negative past issues. Together we will be very lovingly, sexually, romantically compatible because the universe will see to it. Because we are both loving people.
Tonight and tomorrow I will think that I want tomorrow evening to be magical and it will be. I already know it. She'll be just as I requested and dreamed about. I think we'll be fine.
Well, I had yoga yesterday evening. I rode my bike on hilly streets today and I ran this evening. So I'm ready to sleep and dream sweet dreams of love making.
Good night! Wish me luck...oh you don't need too. The universe is working with me and the plan has began....
Thank you universe for this, her, and them - all of my many blessings. I am truly blessed and I know it.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Little kids
Maybe it's because I am getting older; maybe it's because of a past experience with someone I was seeing last summer who at times reveals her heart and her child side. However, it was I have learned to appreciate little kids.
I think they are so adorable! Their little hands, their bright eyes filled with wonder and amazement at the world and nature that surrounds them. They are like little sponges taking it all in.
Funny, I never took the time before to see the wonder of their young spirits. Not unable recently after last summer.
Isn't odd or I guess that is just the way it is; me appreciating things when it's too late. Maybe I'm learning and getting ready for the my next life here on earth. There will definitely be children in it.
How could my mother keep from hugging and squeezing me. I don't ever remember her just picking me up and loving me like that.
It's too late now but in my next life children will be in it and they will be adorable to me. I wasn't shown the love to give the love.
Kids are just precious to me. I hate to see one who is sad, or hurt, troubled or lonely. I saw that in eyes last summer and that I think is what haunts me, as weird as it sounds. I feel in love with in little girl, buried deep within her heart. I saw her, that little girl, in her eyes. My heart will always be there for her. I had an effect on the woman who surrounds that troubled heart. I'm sure she has never experienced anyone like me before. I don't know if that is bad or good. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I guess.
I think they are so adorable! Their little hands, their bright eyes filled with wonder and amazement at the world and nature that surrounds them. They are like little sponges taking it all in.
Funny, I never took the time before to see the wonder of their young spirits. Not unable recently after last summer.
Isn't odd or I guess that is just the way it is; me appreciating things when it's too late. Maybe I'm learning and getting ready for the my next life here on earth. There will definitely be children in it.
How could my mother keep from hugging and squeezing me. I don't ever remember her just picking me up and loving me like that.
It's too late now but in my next life children will be in it and they will be adorable to me. I wasn't shown the love to give the love.
Kids are just precious to me. I hate to see one who is sad, or hurt, troubled or lonely. I saw that in eyes last summer and that I think is what haunts me, as weird as it sounds. I feel in love with in little girl, buried deep within her heart. I saw her, that little girl, in her eyes. My heart will always be there for her. I had an effect on the woman who surrounds that troubled heart. I'm sure she has never experienced anyone like me before. I don't know if that is bad or good. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I guess.
A Plan In Motion
I spoke to her on the phone and we have our plans made for tomorrow evening. I'm looking forward to seeing her. She seems very casual and relaxed. She seems very nice.
It seems odd listening to a voice and emailing a picture with a hat and sunglasses (in her kayak) on. I think she thinks that I am going to recognize her.
The community is not as large was we think and since we have similar interest we have similar friends. I know her friend and she knows two of mine. Before tomorrow evening is over we will probably know a few more in common.
I am looking forward to it. Oh, I said that already. I hope she is warm, affectionate and forward:)
She's a runner and a swimmer and has swam 2 1/2 miles. Amazing. I told her I can't even get the crawl down. She didn't offer to teach me, yet. Maybe she is saving that for something to suggest later. I'm hopeful, yet realistic.
I'll let you know how it goes.
It seems odd listening to a voice and emailing a picture with a hat and sunglasses (in her kayak) on. I think she thinks that I am going to recognize her.
The community is not as large was we think and since we have similar interest we have similar friends. I know her friend and she knows two of mine. Before tomorrow evening is over we will probably know a few more in common.
I am looking forward to it. Oh, I said that already. I hope she is warm, affectionate and forward:)
She's a runner and a swimmer and has swam 2 1/2 miles. Amazing. I told her I can't even get the crawl down. She didn't offer to teach me, yet. Maybe she is saving that for something to suggest later. I'm hopeful, yet realistic.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wish Me Luck!
Well, here's hoping we meet and we click. She seems like a very nice and attractive person. She contacted me! I think.
Or maybe I contacted her long ago. Anyway, she came back. I think we look too much alike and are too close in age for her to not want to maybe meet. So, I'm hoping.
We have to move fast, because I have those tickets. How cool would that be! No, I don't know a whole lot about her but she runs and kayaks. She ran at lunch today.
Well, yes, I am excited and hopeful!
I think we could be a lot a like. Anyway, hopefully I will find out.
This is so cool! Do I have my hopes up? Yes, I do!
Did I set my sights high? Well, high enough I think to be still obtainable. Hopefully.
Or maybe I contacted her long ago. Anyway, she came back. I think we look too much alike and are too close in age for her to not want to maybe meet. So, I'm hoping.
We have to move fast, because I have those tickets. How cool would that be! No, I don't know a whole lot about her but she runs and kayaks. She ran at lunch today.
Well, yes, I am excited and hopeful!
I think we could be a lot a like. Anyway, hopefully I will find out.
This is so cool! Do I have my hopes up? Yes, I do!
Did I set my sights high? Well, high enough I think to be still obtainable. Hopefully.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Get out!
Claire Mccaskill, (d) Missouri Senate Candidate, was on CNN's Hardball speaking with Chris Mathews and talking about trying to get out of Iraq and leaving the country in a "no win" status.
This country has spent over 300 billion on the war and can't even get the troops decent protective gear.
But there is oil there so the republicans may drag their feet.
But there is no oil in the Congo, and other places in Africa (60 plus countries) where rape and genocide is occurring and millions are dying and this country offers no military help for pure humanity sake. Mia Farrow along with her son, Ronan, are good well ambassadors and participants in UNICEF to help these people. They were on The View this morning asking for our help. A woman in Darfur who was raped repeatedly, lost her husband and siblings and three of her five children has implore Mia to help them and get the word out. Humanitarians are risking their lives; what we can do is support UNICEF. We need to get the UN in there. The government of Sudan and armed Arab militia are the trouble makers. They need peace makers there. The African countries do not have the military power to overtake the aggressors.
Today I saw Bush running with an amputee. Bush had visited the young man in the hospital and the young man said he wanted to run with Bush one day. He had both legs partially amputated. As I watched those two running, Bush with a big clueless grin and the young man proud and on high tech prostheses, I couldn't help but feel a little ill and think....over oil? And Bush is an idiot or just plain heartless.
This country has spent over 300 billion on the war and can't even get the troops decent protective gear.
But there is oil there so the republicans may drag their feet.
But there is no oil in the Congo, and other places in Africa (60 plus countries) where rape and genocide is occurring and millions are dying and this country offers no military help for pure humanity sake. Mia Farrow along with her son, Ronan, are good well ambassadors and participants in UNICEF to help these people. They were on The View this morning asking for our help. A woman in Darfur who was raped repeatedly, lost her husband and siblings and three of her five children has implore Mia to help them and get the word out. Humanitarians are risking their lives; what we can do is support UNICEF. We need to get the UN in there. The government of Sudan and armed Arab militia are the trouble makers. They need peace makers there. The African countries do not have the military power to overtake the aggressors.
Today I saw Bush running with an amputee. Bush had visited the young man in the hospital and the young man said he wanted to run with Bush one day. He had both legs partially amputated. As I watched those two running, Bush with a big clueless grin and the young man proud and on high tech prostheses, I couldn't help but feel a little ill and think....over oil? And Bush is an idiot or just plain heartless.
Smoke Free Sections Do Not Protect Enough
According to Richard Carmona, Surgeon General, designated smoking sections do not protect enough. He reports that there is overwhelming scientific evidence that secondhand smoke causes lung cancer and heart disease, and other illnesses.
I've been reading about cigarettes and found that the tobacco is treated chemically, so they do not "go out" if left unattended for a minute or two. Chemicals are added to the tobacco on the grounds that the nuisance involved in having to relight a cigarette every few minutes would ruin sales. The chemicals that are added allows the tobacco to smolder indefinitely; thus producing a fire hazard along with the many proven health hazards.
The diseases that are linked to smoking tobacco cigarettes are inflammation and thrombosis of arteries and veins in the hands and feet. This disease is called Buerger's disease and is more prevalent in Israel, Japan, and India than in the United States and Europe. Men in Bangladesh are more apt to get Buerger's disease from smoking raw tobacco. Buerger's disease is rarely fatal, but amputation is common due to vascular insufficiency.
In this country illness from tobacco could be called native American revenge. Just think about it in 1492 a native American handed an explorer, an immigrate a piece of tobacco and much as human kind has been hooked ever since.
Tobacco is a major crop in the South and the farmers will continue to grow it as long as there is a demand for it. I wonder that if the demand for cigarettes ever goes down if tobacco couldn't be fermented and burned in the car? Interesting thought? Would the flumes cause lung cancer? Would your tailpipe smoke? :)
Maybe farmers could grow corn in place of tobacco to make more ethanol as the demand for it increases. Just a thought!
What is sad to me is that most of the people who smoke cigarettes are in the state of denial with usually without healthy insurance. This in itself puts a burden on the tax payers.
Now it makes sense to me why we have always had the FTA (firearms, tobacco and alcohol bureau in Washington). Does it still exists? I'll have to research.
Amazingly enough through the years even while medical doctors were posted in cigarettes ads to claim that is how they started their days - with a healthy cigarette.
Even when I was a kid I wondered why the government had tobacco included in the FTA. Because it's dangerous and can kill like firearms and alcohol? This tells me the government always knew that cigarette were unheathly. Well, think about it! It doesn't need to take a Rhodes scholar to figure out that inhaling smoke is not good for you; just ask any fireman?
The government and big business is not looking out for the people's safety or health; but only looking for ways to make a profit and keep the stockholders happy.
And if they run into a bad year why just cut corners and work the books
I've been reading about cigarettes and found that the tobacco is treated chemically, so they do not "go out" if left unattended for a minute or two. Chemicals are added to the tobacco on the grounds that the nuisance involved in having to relight a cigarette every few minutes would ruin sales. The chemicals that are added allows the tobacco to smolder indefinitely; thus producing a fire hazard along with the many proven health hazards.
The diseases that are linked to smoking tobacco cigarettes are inflammation and thrombosis of arteries and veins in the hands and feet. This disease is called Buerger's disease and is more prevalent in Israel, Japan, and India than in the United States and Europe. Men in Bangladesh are more apt to get Buerger's disease from smoking raw tobacco. Buerger's disease is rarely fatal, but amputation is common due to vascular insufficiency.
In this country illness from tobacco could be called native American revenge. Just think about it in 1492 a native American handed an explorer, an immigrate a piece of tobacco and much as human kind has been hooked ever since.
Tobacco is a major crop in the South and the farmers will continue to grow it as long as there is a demand for it. I wonder that if the demand for cigarettes ever goes down if tobacco couldn't be fermented and burned in the car? Interesting thought? Would the flumes cause lung cancer? Would your tailpipe smoke? :)
Maybe farmers could grow corn in place of tobacco to make more ethanol as the demand for it increases. Just a thought!
What is sad to me is that most of the people who smoke cigarettes are in the state of denial with usually without healthy insurance. This in itself puts a burden on the tax payers.
Now it makes sense to me why we have always had the FTA (firearms, tobacco and alcohol bureau in Washington). Does it still exists? I'll have to research.
Amazingly enough through the years even while medical doctors were posted in cigarettes ads to claim that is how they started their days - with a healthy cigarette.
Even when I was a kid I wondered why the government had tobacco included in the FTA. Because it's dangerous and can kill like firearms and alcohol? This tells me the government always knew that cigarette were unheathly. Well, think about it! It doesn't need to take a Rhodes scholar to figure out that inhaling smoke is not good for you; just ask any fireman?
The government and big business is not looking out for the people's safety or health; but only looking for ways to make a profit and keep the stockholders happy.
And if they run into a bad year why just cut corners and work the books
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Yoga and Running
I think I skipped the 27th! Now that is unusual for me to skip a day!
Anyway, I attended my yoga class today and the instructor started out by saying we were going to have an extremely energetic session because she was all excited. Yes, she said she decided anyway to go on a trip. She said she rented a car and her and her pre-teenage daughter will drive to New England. New England? Does she watch the news, I am wondering? Maybe she should have rented a boat, I'm thinking.
That area had 13 inches of rain in 48 hours. Even in DC the water is backed up into the basements of the National Museums and they are closed.
It sounds like she was ready to go as soon as we it the door. Far be it from me to mention anything. No one said a word! Oh well, I hope all goes well for her!
By the way, we had a fabulous yoga session. I love a good workout! I feel toned and solid. And she touched me today, twice, and in a lot of places. To straighten out my poses of course. Anyway, I like it. I'll take all the gentle slow touching I can get. It's nice. Once when doing downward facing dog and then later on when I was doing this standing triangle thing or something. No, I do not mess up my poses just so she touches me.. I think it would be obvious. Besides I never even thought of faking a miss-pose. I love yoga.
This was our last session until I sign up for fall via the college. I understand; however, that I can go on a walk in basis on Monday and I think Thursday mornings for twelve dollars each. So, I may check the web site and consider that.
The run this evening was a workout! I tried to keep up with the fast folks but they began to lose me on the big hill. After that though, the faster ones split off to run the entire circumference of the park and I followed my good buddy and his new pal, a new member.
I might as well run behind them (or anyone) because I can't try to "push" myself harder and try to talk too. No, I can't talk and run yet. I'll get there one of these days. I'm abstinent and determined as hell. Right now I'm trying to lose some weight and quicken my pace for the fall Lewis and Clark marathon. I"m thinking about doing the biathlon the week prior to the half marathon. Oh why not! I had a blast last hill. God, the hills were awful, but I didn't cramp out, too badly anyone. I'm going to give myself a few days to knock off the gut and get determined then push myself. Maybe while the weather is nice and cooler I'll run 13 tomorrow for training.
We all had a good run this evening except for R. R, one of our founding women, and fast runners of our organization got clipped by a bicycle this evening. Yeah, she scrapped her leg and he took a tumble. He was flying down the hill. She had several "on your left"bicycles past her and as soon as the last one cleared she made a sharp left to get back on the rock path that runs parallel along the hill path. She didn't see him because he was flying down the hill from the other direction. He was okay and she was okay. Whew! That was a close one! Her outside calf of her leg will hurt tomorrow it was bruised, scratched and swelling as we watched her long leg grow larger than the other. I'll be there Thursday evening to see how she is doing. I'll join them too on the holiday, they are running in the morning.. cool! I'll follow the faster ones again. I need to improve.
Thursday morning I plan on running with the women's group from Hartford's. I'll get a workout then too! They are all faster than myself. Hey, you don't get better unless you push it; and they get me breathing hard.
Thank the universe, my knees are fine. I believe my yoga classes may have contributed to my already healthy knees and hits. Yesterday I was wondering why my chins ached and then realized it was all the walking I did for the pride fest and parade over the weekend.
Pride was great this year. And walking in the parade and working the runner's booth was gratifying. It's smart to stay in one place and let all the people walk by me..sooner or later they do. Anyway, it was a fabulous weekend and I'm blessed with many friends!
Anyway, I attended my yoga class today and the instructor started out by saying we were going to have an extremely energetic session because she was all excited. Yes, she said she decided anyway to go on a trip. She said she rented a car and her and her pre-teenage daughter will drive to New England. New England? Does she watch the news, I am wondering? Maybe she should have rented a boat, I'm thinking.
That area had 13 inches of rain in 48 hours. Even in DC the water is backed up into the basements of the National Museums and they are closed.
It sounds like she was ready to go as soon as we it the door. Far be it from me to mention anything. No one said a word! Oh well, I hope all goes well for her!
By the way, we had a fabulous yoga session. I love a good workout! I feel toned and solid. And she touched me today, twice, and in a lot of places. To straighten out my poses of course. Anyway, I like it. I'll take all the gentle slow touching I can get. It's nice. Once when doing downward facing dog and then later on when I was doing this standing triangle thing or something. No, I do not mess up my poses just so she touches me.. I think it would be obvious. Besides I never even thought of faking a miss-pose. I love yoga.
This was our last session until I sign up for fall via the college. I understand; however, that I can go on a walk in basis on Monday and I think Thursday mornings for twelve dollars each. So, I may check the web site and consider that.
The run this evening was a workout! I tried to keep up with the fast folks but they began to lose me on the big hill. After that though, the faster ones split off to run the entire circumference of the park and I followed my good buddy and his new pal, a new member.
I might as well run behind them (or anyone) because I can't try to "push" myself harder and try to talk too. No, I can't talk and run yet. I'll get there one of these days. I'm abstinent and determined as hell. Right now I'm trying to lose some weight and quicken my pace for the fall Lewis and Clark marathon. I"m thinking about doing the biathlon the week prior to the half marathon. Oh why not! I had a blast last hill. God, the hills were awful, but I didn't cramp out, too badly anyone. I'm going to give myself a few days to knock off the gut and get determined then push myself. Maybe while the weather is nice and cooler I'll run 13 tomorrow for training.
We all had a good run this evening except for R. R, one of our founding women, and fast runners of our organization got clipped by a bicycle this evening. Yeah, she scrapped her leg and he took a tumble. He was flying down the hill. She had several "on your left"bicycles past her and as soon as the last one cleared she made a sharp left to get back on the rock path that runs parallel along the hill path. She didn't see him because he was flying down the hill from the other direction. He was okay and she was okay. Whew! That was a close one! Her outside calf of her leg will hurt tomorrow it was bruised, scratched and swelling as we watched her long leg grow larger than the other. I'll be there Thursday evening to see how she is doing. I'll join them too on the holiday, they are running in the morning.. cool! I'll follow the faster ones again. I need to improve.
Thursday morning I plan on running with the women's group from Hartford's. I'll get a workout then too! They are all faster than myself. Hey, you don't get better unless you push it; and they get me breathing hard.
Thank the universe, my knees are fine. I believe my yoga classes may have contributed to my already healthy knees and hits. Yesterday I was wondering why my chins ached and then realized it was all the walking I did for the pride fest and parade over the weekend.
Pride was great this year. And walking in the parade and working the runner's booth was gratifying. It's smart to stay in one place and let all the people walk by me..sooner or later they do. Anyway, it was a fabulous weekend and I'm blessed with many friends!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Lovely Day for Just About Anything
Damn, I'm wondering why my leg shins ache; heck I have been walking all day the last two days. And today I ran about three miles then walked 18 holes of golf.
I love to walk and feel as if I am doing something good for my health when I do. While playing golf this evening the woman that played with us said I could ride in her golf cart anytime. Maybe I could have; but, I feel while I have the opportunity I should walk. I just two Ibuprofen that will help.
This cool weather makes me feel like spending the day outdoors keeping active; just to be out there enjoying the day. Tomorrow, I think I'll walk my errands instead of driving. Well, I may have to drive one, it's pretty far.. or take my bike if I can find a fairly direct route and I think I just have (mentaly).
I can't keep my eyes open so I need to go to bed. Gee, I missed my evening at home where I love to have all the windows open, read, burn incense, practice yoga poses, sing and play my guitar.
A noisy car just went by, reminding how grateful I am to have nice quiet neighbors; of course, we can complain here and we have recourse and rules and polite people.
Today I ran about three or four miles and then walked a par 3 nine hole golf course then came home and let my rottweiler out, ate and then I was back out on another par 3, 4, 5 nine hole golf course. I had a great time the whole day. What is not to like!
God, I love this weather.. how much longer can we stretch it out before it gets hot again?
I love to walk and feel as if I am doing something good for my health when I do. While playing golf this evening the woman that played with us said I could ride in her golf cart anytime. Maybe I could have; but, I feel while I have the opportunity I should walk. I just two Ibuprofen that will help.
This cool weather makes me feel like spending the day outdoors keeping active; just to be out there enjoying the day. Tomorrow, I think I'll walk my errands instead of driving. Well, I may have to drive one, it's pretty far.. or take my bike if I can find a fairly direct route and I think I just have (mentaly).
I can't keep my eyes open so I need to go to bed. Gee, I missed my evening at home where I love to have all the windows open, read, burn incense, practice yoga poses, sing and play my guitar.
A noisy car just went by, reminding how grateful I am to have nice quiet neighbors; of course, we can complain here and we have recourse and rules and polite people.
Today I ran about three or four miles and then walked a par 3 nine hole golf course then came home and let my rottweiler out, ate and then I was back out on another par 3, 4, 5 nine hole golf course. I had a great time the whole day. What is not to like!
God, I love this weather.. how much longer can we stretch it out before it gets hot again?
Perpetual War in the Gaza Strip
Militants run amok. Israeli troops positioned at the border of Pakistan. There will only be peace if people want peace
Buffet gave billions to Gates to give to charity. Buffet is worth 44 billion. The Gates' foundation are focused on world poverty and illness and education. Gates is giving up running Microsoft on a day to day basis to give all his time to charity. Now that is god like!
Just how much money can you spend anyway. Buffet was worried about leaving to much money to his kids anyway. But the Buffet children are into environmental issues also.
Hey there are only so many houses, cars, and friends you can buy or parties to give. Too, as we mature we realize what is more important in life and that is to give and help others who have less.
I wonder if Buffet and Gates could buy peace in the middle east?
But there is money in war. Gee, I wonder who builds the tanks, jets and firearms for Israel, our allies. I think the US does. So why would the US want peace there. To figure anything out, just follow the money.
I am so sick about hearing these primitive, ignorant, warriors talking like kids. "He did this, he did that, we don't do this, like they do that". Bullshit. They are all a bunch of murders killing each other, women and children. They don't give a shit, they just want to KILL. In my opinion they are no worse than a bunch of thugs and bullies looking for a fucking fight. It's a testosterone rush. It's a male thing; it's how they settle their differences. They are savages!
I think I'll write a book about air pollution not effecting the atmosphere negatively but suddenly it got to a point where instead where it effected people in such a way that they all became loving beings. Instead of war there was peace. Instead of fighting and killing hugs and acts of charity, gifts and good well. Do you think it would be boring? Do you think people in the theatres watching would cry, or cry out for more fighting. You think more fights? Then see our we condition our children? You know most kids who are bullies and prejudice are taught that by watching and listening to their parents. We are so worried about getting what we want, no matter what it takes, that we do not think about how our speak and how our actions effect further generations. No wonder as a society we have not evolved away from poverty, war and ruining the atmosphere and environment. By now we should have learned enough to make big changes; yet it takes movie stars with money and clout to make ground roots differences and pick up the slack of our failing governments who think of nothing but greed of oil and power and global threats with nuclear weapons. It's my dick is bigger than your dick on a larger scale.. nothing more. Amazing, when you look at the overall big picture!
Buffet gave billions to Gates to give to charity. Buffet is worth 44 billion. The Gates' foundation are focused on world poverty and illness and education. Gates is giving up running Microsoft on a day to day basis to give all his time to charity. Now that is god like!
Just how much money can you spend anyway. Buffet was worried about leaving to much money to his kids anyway. But the Buffet children are into environmental issues also.
Hey there are only so many houses, cars, and friends you can buy or parties to give. Too, as we mature we realize what is more important in life and that is to give and help others who have less.
I wonder if Buffet and Gates could buy peace in the middle east?
But there is money in war. Gee, I wonder who builds the tanks, jets and firearms for Israel, our allies. I think the US does. So why would the US want peace there. To figure anything out, just follow the money.
I am so sick about hearing these primitive, ignorant, warriors talking like kids. "He did this, he did that, we don't do this, like they do that". Bullshit. They are all a bunch of murders killing each other, women and children. They don't give a shit, they just want to KILL. In my opinion they are no worse than a bunch of thugs and bullies looking for a fucking fight. It's a testosterone rush. It's a male thing; it's how they settle their differences. They are savages!
I think I'll write a book about air pollution not effecting the atmosphere negatively but suddenly it got to a point where instead where it effected people in such a way that they all became loving beings. Instead of war there was peace. Instead of fighting and killing hugs and acts of charity, gifts and good well. Do you think it would be boring? Do you think people in the theatres watching would cry, or cry out for more fighting. You think more fights? Then see our we condition our children? You know most kids who are bullies and prejudice are taught that by watching and listening to their parents. We are so worried about getting what we want, no matter what it takes, that we do not think about how our speak and how our actions effect further generations. No wonder as a society we have not evolved away from poverty, war and ruining the atmosphere and environment. By now we should have learned enough to make big changes; yet it takes movie stars with money and clout to make ground roots differences and pick up the slack of our failing governments who think of nothing but greed of oil and power and global threats with nuclear weapons. It's my dick is bigger than your dick on a larger scale.. nothing more. Amazing, when you look at the overall big picture!
Feeling Free Today!
Wow, I'm watching CNN and seeing the Northeastern , DC and Dallas, flooding results of global warming. One of the effects predicted with global warming is extreme weather so instead of getting the usual 3 to 4 inches or even 6 or 7 they are getting 12 and 13 inches of rain. Extreme weather!
And hurricane season is approaching once again so once again expect extreme hurricanes. Our weatherman locally are sure miss-predicting the weather. We need rain desperately but are only seeing ominous cloud passing overhead. Someone else is getting the rain is really need. Thus more of the effects of global warming our government is in denial about. Yeah, it's water not oil that's involved so what do you expect?
Of course, over the weekend celebrating Pride in the park, we certainly didn't miss the rain. The weather was beautiful and perfect (like a lot of women I saw yesterday). The paper this morning featured a most fitting story I thought regarding the hardships of being gay. We as a society would be just fine if we could as ourselves; but ignorant intrinsically evil so call religious fanatics can't let it rest. Well of course not; there has to be a purpose! A wrong to right, otherwise there would be no need for religion. Religions only see things in black and white, evil and good, heaven and hell and there way or noway! It's nothing but a cult, an evil cult at that. Being raised catholic, in my opinion, religions do more harm than good by trying demanding that people fit into specific categories: Males are superior and women are subservient. Gays or an abomination and a mistake by god? How can that be? I thought God made no mistakes and everyone was created equal in the eyes of she, our god.
Instead we have families discriminating against their own and ruining people's lives because god created them; merely because they exist and religion some how needs to have something to say is bad so they can fit it. Yet evil lies within their own organization; an organization of Hippocrates. The government on a local, state and federal level is filled with them. They use homosexuals as political pawns for their own selfish gains..to win votes. Always follow the money to find the true!
I thought the article in the paper was good and well written. It depicts the true meaning of being gay; being ostracizes by family as society as a hold. There is a sense of family being involved in a huge celebration of our own. If everyone who was gay who have shown up this past weekend their would have been probably a million. Cities like to underestimate gay crowds; they prefer to keep our numbers small so people think we are only a sick few.
But, in between I want to walk to the market to get more fruits and vegtables. I'm going to knock off seven pounds this week to get lean while as I train for the September biathlon and half-marathon. Yes!
And hurricane season is approaching once again so once again expect extreme hurricanes. Our weatherman locally are sure miss-predicting the weather. We need rain desperately but are only seeing ominous cloud passing overhead. Someone else is getting the rain is really need. Thus more of the effects of global warming our government is in denial about. Yeah, it's water not oil that's involved so what do you expect?
Of course, over the weekend celebrating Pride in the park, we certainly didn't miss the rain. The weather was beautiful and perfect (like a lot of women I saw yesterday). The paper this morning featured a most fitting story I thought regarding the hardships of being gay. We as a society would be just fine if we could as ourselves; but ignorant intrinsically evil so call religious fanatics can't let it rest. Well of course not; there has to be a purpose! A wrong to right, otherwise there would be no need for religion. Religions only see things in black and white, evil and good, heaven and hell and there way or noway! It's nothing but a cult, an evil cult at that. Being raised catholic, in my opinion, religions do more harm than good by trying demanding that people fit into specific categories: Males are superior and women are subservient. Gays or an abomination and a mistake by god? How can that be? I thought God made no mistakes and everyone was created equal in the eyes of she, our god.
Instead we have families discriminating against their own and ruining people's lives because god created them; merely because they exist and religion some how needs to have something to say is bad so they can fit it. Yet evil lies within their own organization; an organization of Hippocrates. The government on a local, state and federal level is filled with them. They use homosexuals as political pawns for their own selfish gains..to win votes. Always follow the money to find the true!
I thought the article in the paper was good and well written. It depicts the true meaning of being gay; being ostracizes by family as society as a hold. There is a sense of family being involved in a huge celebration of our own. If everyone who was gay who have shown up this past weekend their would have been probably a million. Cities like to underestimate gay crowds; they prefer to keep our numbers small so people think we are only a sick few.
But, in between I want to walk to the market to get more fruits and vegtables. I'm going to knock off seven pounds this week to get lean while as I train for the September biathlon and half-marathon. Yes!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
More Women in Power
I am very impressed with the thinking of many female movie stars who believe in humanity and have decided to help move things along in that direction.
Cher getting padded help to the US soldiers in Iraq.
Susan Sarandon believing that education is key to improving the lives in Mexico.
Rosi speaking out and speaking the truth about the government.
I believe that the world is at a juncture where there is a serious need for more women in powerful positions throughout the world. Women need to clean up the mess the men have made. Men are nature born aggressors who want to dominate, own and control. They want to win and any cost. Collateral damage means nothing when a goal is set.
Well, lets face facts; who does the most brutal killings for gains of power, land or money? Men? Who thinks that child pornography is okay? Why is it so overlooked in all societies all over the world. Why is there so much money in it? Because men demand it? Who are these sick people are they walking out of the front church doors with smiles on their faces each Sunday morning?
I believe that if more women were in power and they didn't get wrapped up in the sense of power many of these cruel inhumane acts would be curtailed.
Or would women become just as bad as men with their greed and sense of acquiring power? I guess that remains to be seen. I hope not; because I would very much like to be able to believe in them.
Cher getting padded help to the US soldiers in Iraq.
Susan Sarandon believing that education is key to improving the lives in Mexico.
Rosi speaking out and speaking the truth about the government.
I believe that the world is at a juncture where there is a serious need for more women in powerful positions throughout the world. Women need to clean up the mess the men have made. Men are nature born aggressors who want to dominate, own and control. They want to win and any cost. Collateral damage means nothing when a goal is set.
Well, lets face facts; who does the most brutal killings for gains of power, land or money? Men? Who thinks that child pornography is okay? Why is it so overlooked in all societies all over the world. Why is there so much money in it? Because men demand it? Who are these sick people are they walking out of the front church doors with smiles on their faces each Sunday morning?
I believe that if more women were in power and they didn't get wrapped up in the sense of power many of these cruel inhumane acts would be curtailed.
Or would women become just as bad as men with their greed and sense of acquiring power? I guess that remains to be seen. I hope not; because I would very much like to be able to believe in them.
Sex after 50?
Gee is there such a thing? Yes! Sexually I'm as if I was in my 30's. Why do we have to put a label and age on everything? If we look for things to fail and go wrong, they will!
People put too much emphasis of sexual abilities. Well, I don't really care about how men view or handle it. They are just as capable as anyone else
Fifty, isn't what it use to be. Hello! Haven't you heard 30 is the new 50 and 40 is the new 60. But most importantly youthfulness comes from within and starts with good health by exercising and eating properly.
In years past too, people expected to be "old" at a certain age and then of course, they were. I believe it's called "self-fulfilled prophecy". We create our own environments. We create our own realities.
So, apparently we are more powerful then we think. So why not use that power to think youthful and positive thoughts? Have that power work for us, not against us!
People put too much emphasis of sexual abilities. Well, I don't really care about how men view or handle it. They are just as capable as anyone else
Fifty, isn't what it use to be. Hello! Haven't you heard 30 is the new 50 and 40 is the new 60. But most importantly youthfulness comes from within and starts with good health by exercising and eating properly.
In years past too, people expected to be "old" at a certain age and then of course, they were. I believe it's called "self-fulfilled prophecy". We create our own environments. We create our own realities.
So, apparently we are more powerful then we think. So why not use that power to think youthful and positive thoughts? Have that power work for us, not against us!
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie was on CNN 360 Anderson Cooper show wondering "How long will it take for a global effort to help the poor, mistreated, raped people of the Congo. Women there are raped again and again by men in uniform. They are brutally raped, and their daughters and butchered her husband. She was a sex slave for more than a month
When will the world help these people? It is a modern day holocaust! The world goes it goes on; but these people are women mostly and very poor and there is no oil there...so it's ignored!
So who is doing it and why? Men in uniform can rape with impunity.
It's so tragic that the world can sit back and ignore this! Is it because these women of the eastern Congo are poor.
One out of four children die; all the women and girls are raped.
Where is the world order on this brutality.
It breaks my heart to watch this tragedy of humanity. What is to be gained to treating women and children like this? These offenders are worst than animals in their brutality..they kill the men but gang rape and brutality injure the women with objects and leave them to suffer with broken bodies and spirits.
Angelina Jolie is bringing this horrific situation to the attention of the media. Things are going to get better now, because people are becoming aware and wanting to do something about it.
Is there no human decency? Why are these soldiers not punished? Probably because in these countries women hold no social status. I believe through the centuries men have kept woman down to lessen their guilt in the mistreating of women and children.
So, they declare them less than human, so they can woe when them what they want.
And look in countries such as Taiwan and Mexico where child pornography is running ramp id. If there wasn't a market for this brutality; maybe it wouldn't happen. Too bad there are so many sick people out there who have no conscious nor respect for another human being.
When will the world help these people? It is a modern day holocaust! The world goes it goes on; but these people are women mostly and very poor and there is no oil there...so it's ignored!
So who is doing it and why? Men in uniform can rape with impunity.
It's so tragic that the world can sit back and ignore this! Is it because these women of the eastern Congo are poor.
One out of four children die; all the women and girls are raped.
Where is the world order on this brutality.
It breaks my heart to watch this tragedy of humanity. What is to be gained to treating women and children like this? These offenders are worst than animals in their brutality..they kill the men but gang rape and brutality injure the women with objects and leave them to suffer with broken bodies and spirits.
Angelina Jolie is bringing this horrific situation to the attention of the media. Things are going to get better now, because people are becoming aware and wanting to do something about it.
Is there no human decency? Why are these soldiers not punished? Probably because in these countries women hold no social status. I believe through the centuries men have kept woman down to lessen their guilt in the mistreating of women and children.
So, they declare them less than human, so they can woe when them what they want.
And look in countries such as Taiwan and Mexico where child pornography is running ramp id. If there wasn't a market for this brutality; maybe it wouldn't happen. Too bad there are so many sick people out there who have no conscious nor respect for another human being.
I love to troubleshoot!
When I was walking down her front steps Lou expressed her thanks and gave me a compliment. She said. "You can take the tech out of the office, but you can't take the tech out of the technician". When I was working, I loved sectionalizing and troubleshooting network trouble spots.
She had been having trouble connecting to the cable network. We have eliminated many possible trouble spots and have determined the problem may be with her ethernet card/RJ45.
After I was home for an hour she called and asked if I could get channels on my TV. I said yes and then reminded her that she disconnected her cable from the wall for test. "Oh!" She said. "Thanks". I love it!
It just seems like yesterday when she was the computer and internet geek. Well, she still is; she has been messing with this problem for a month and not getting it solved. I just stepped in new with a clear fresh mind. Sometimes two heads are better than one.
I told her at one point I used "go back" after I spoke with Syslink and HP techs; because, I was so hosed up one day after I worked with them I couldn't use my wireless (orginal problem) or my RJ45 point directly to my modem). She goes. "Hmm, I reloaded all my software, I never thought of 'go back'".
I hope she doesn't lose confidence; she is just experiencing a glick in her trouble solving skills.
Another sad thing: One week after her extended warranty expired she thinks her laptop is crapping out. Well, I hope she gets it fixs. Maybe reloading all her softward will help.
All I know is that my laptop worked fine over at her place with the RJ45 and with wireless.
I love to troubleshoot! My horoscope today said I would be giving good advice. Cool!
She had been having trouble connecting to the cable network. We have eliminated many possible trouble spots and have determined the problem may be with her ethernet card/RJ45.
After I was home for an hour she called and asked if I could get channels on my TV. I said yes and then reminded her that she disconnected her cable from the wall for test. "Oh!" She said. "Thanks". I love it!
It just seems like yesterday when she was the computer and internet geek. Well, she still is; she has been messing with this problem for a month and not getting it solved. I just stepped in new with a clear fresh mind. Sometimes two heads are better than one.
I told her at one point I used "go back" after I spoke with Syslink and HP techs; because, I was so hosed up one day after I worked with them I couldn't use my wireless (orginal problem) or my RJ45 point directly to my modem). She goes. "Hmm, I reloaded all my software, I never thought of 'go back'".
I hope she doesn't lose confidence; she is just experiencing a glick in her trouble solving skills.
Another sad thing: One week after her extended warranty expired she thinks her laptop is crapping out. Well, I hope she gets it fixs. Maybe reloading all her softward will help.
All I know is that my laptop worked fine over at her place with the RJ45 and with wireless.
I love to troubleshoot! My horoscope today said I would be giving good advice. Cool!
Fabulous Pride Weekend
Not only the weather, but the people were friendly and warm and I re-connected with many old friends and made some new ones.
Walking in the parade with our walk/run group was a joy. I didn't feel as conspicuous as I did in years past walking for the gay organization at work. It was new to me then. But, I must say even then the support of the crowd truly boost my faith in people. Today the crowd was huge and very welcoming. Each year the parade grows with more and more organizations and businesses joining.
Maybe I'm just getting use to handling the crowds; or I just don't care. Maybe I have more self-confidence. Maybe I have learned a few things along the way through the years about people.
One thing I did learn is that the universe is truly with me on the dating and relationship issue. I was spared and didn't realize it until today. Here I was heartbroken because the gal I was emailing ended up with someone else; or so she wrote..no harm, done, anyway doesn't matter! And now all I have to say is "Thank You" to the universe. I was spared! any awkward moments. Instantly I knew she and I would not be compatible. It was obvious we would not click.
Wow, channel 5 gave us 5 seconds at least on the parade. I'm not surprised! It's okay, what they did show was good.
It was a great weekend! Hopefully, too we will get a bunch of new members in the walk/run group. Last year we were very successful and this year with having exposure in the parade gave us a huge boost. This is our first year for our group to be in the parade. A huge success.
Walking in the parade with our walk/run group was a joy. I didn't feel as conspicuous as I did in years past walking for the gay organization at work. It was new to me then. But, I must say even then the support of the crowd truly boost my faith in people. Today the crowd was huge and very welcoming. Each year the parade grows with more and more organizations and businesses joining.
Maybe I'm just getting use to handling the crowds; or I just don't care. Maybe I have more self-confidence. Maybe I have learned a few things along the way through the years about people.
One thing I did learn is that the universe is truly with me on the dating and relationship issue. I was spared and didn't realize it until today. Here I was heartbroken because the gal I was emailing ended up with someone else; or so she wrote..no harm, done, anyway doesn't matter! And now all I have to say is "Thank You" to the universe. I was spared! any awkward moments. Instantly I knew she and I would not be compatible. It was obvious we would not click.
Wow, channel 5 gave us 5 seconds at least on the parade. I'm not surprised! It's okay, what they did show was good.
It was a great weekend! Hopefully, too we will get a bunch of new members in the walk/run group. Last year we were very successful and this year with having exposure in the parade gave us a huge boost. This is our first year for our group to be in the parade. A huge success.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I'm tired
and ready to go to bed but waiting for washer and dryer to stop.
The run this morning and park afterwards was fine. Saw a lot of cute young girls...they are sweet to look at. I love the young ones with the cut off shorts, zipper open wide and panties showing. I love it! Adorable! Just adorable! Oh the little couples, so in love..it's cute!
Then too, I see more women my age seemingly growing more content to live alone and hang with friends. And I guess that is fine! Hey, I'm doing it. I think we just get more independent and we decide we do not like to bend or change things that are working for us. The thought actually stops me sometimes from making contacts on line. I want the fun and sex. So many people want someone to "be there for them". Do you know what that really means? It means you can be really giving up a lot and is a little sex worth all that? I should I take on another whole load of whines, whims, and woes. Hey, I'm a happy person....why should I take on negativity? Just call me when you want the sex? Or, I'll call you? What is so wrong with that? Can't we just be dating forever? Why would I want to share some one's pain? :) You can tell I'm not in love right now. Well, I am in a way, I still miss 05SL. Love is a wonderful thing for without it we would not put up with all the crap we do. And I know someone would be saying the exact same thing about me; because no two people are alike! There will be differences and compromises...thank god for love. And someone always loves more...and it's the one who loves the least of the two who gets their ways all the time. Because it wouldn't bother them to walk; there the other one "needs" her around more. I was always a pleas-er; of course, my ex would make that same statement. I thinks it funny actually that we are still friends. We just keep up where we left off when we see each other. It does make me sad sometimes. I get lonely and it was nice to always have someone there...but I needed so much more. I guess? I fell so in love with the doctor on Spring04. I needed love very badly. I was a mess. My 05SL was wonderful too! Now my world is empty....the void is getting bigger. If only I didn't give a crap, life would be so much more easier. No one appeals to me! No one! Not in person and not on line!
Although my heart aches. I am always analyzing and maybe I shouldn't even begin to try. I think a kid has to be shown love at home to know how to love. I was never shown love and my parents fought all the time. My brother tormented and beat on me. Our household was downright mean, cold and angry. I had no escape. I just had to wait it out until I got older, 21 and could leave.
So, I guess I am stuck with the feeling of this void in my heart. It's always there and I don't think it will every be filled because I don't know how to love. And even when I am in love, even deeply, I then get comfortable and forget how "alone" felt and crave my independence. I think partly because I am too cautious and afraid to be myself in a relationship.. well actually, it's impossible to be yourself in a relationship. I did a lot of things from my head not my heart. Many times I did things with her family and our friends that I really didn't feel like doing. Hey, but that is what being in a relationship is all about. That's the tough part, compromise. Either I want along or she went by herself and I was left behind.
I still can't do family and refuse. A friend recently asked me to come to a lake house while her and her immediate family would be there to ride bikes. I simply had to decline. I don't do families.
And it's such a wonderful feeling. Hell, it's worth all the pain right there, not be involved with family anymore. What freedom! What peace! Well, you can already tell that I don't miss them.
Love in, love out! You must put love out there in order to get it back. I see on TV where people are right there to go through their parents suffering. I had to distance myself. I couldn't take it anymore. The theatrics were Oscars quality..so much that it took me years to catch on to the performances.
Hm, I'm wondering if the parade is "rain or shine" tomorrow.. I guess that is up to individual discrimination regarding being wet or dry? Let's see I always keep jeans and long sleeves in the car. The high tomorrow is a predicted 79
The run this morning and park afterwards was fine. Saw a lot of cute young girls...they are sweet to look at. I love the young ones with the cut off shorts, zipper open wide and panties showing. I love it! Adorable! Just adorable! Oh the little couples, so in love..it's cute!
Then too, I see more women my age seemingly growing more content to live alone and hang with friends. And I guess that is fine! Hey, I'm doing it. I think we just get more independent and we decide we do not like to bend or change things that are working for us. The thought actually stops me sometimes from making contacts on line. I want the fun and sex. So many people want someone to "be there for them". Do you know what that really means? It means you can be really giving up a lot and is a little sex worth all that? I should I take on another whole load of whines, whims, and woes. Hey, I'm a happy person....why should I take on negativity? Just call me when you want the sex? Or, I'll call you? What is so wrong with that? Can't we just be dating forever? Why would I want to share some one's pain? :) You can tell I'm not in love right now. Well, I am in a way, I still miss 05SL. Love is a wonderful thing for without it we would not put up with all the crap we do. And I know someone would be saying the exact same thing about me; because no two people are alike! There will be differences and compromises...thank god for love. And someone always loves more...and it's the one who loves the least of the two who gets their ways all the time. Because it wouldn't bother them to walk; there the other one "needs" her around more. I was always a pleas-er; of course, my ex would make that same statement. I thinks it funny actually that we are still friends. We just keep up where we left off when we see each other. It does make me sad sometimes. I get lonely and it was nice to always have someone there...but I needed so much more. I guess? I fell so in love with the doctor on Spring04. I needed love very badly. I was a mess. My 05SL was wonderful too! Now my world is empty....the void is getting bigger. If only I didn't give a crap, life would be so much more easier. No one appeals to me! No one! Not in person and not on line!
Although my heart aches. I am always analyzing and maybe I shouldn't even begin to try. I think a kid has to be shown love at home to know how to love. I was never shown love and my parents fought all the time. My brother tormented and beat on me. Our household was downright mean, cold and angry. I had no escape. I just had to wait it out until I got older, 21 and could leave.
So, I guess I am stuck with the feeling of this void in my heart. It's always there and I don't think it will every be filled because I don't know how to love. And even when I am in love, even deeply, I then get comfortable and forget how "alone" felt and crave my independence. I think partly because I am too cautious and afraid to be myself in a relationship.. well actually, it's impossible to be yourself in a relationship. I did a lot of things from my head not my heart. Many times I did things with her family and our friends that I really didn't feel like doing. Hey, but that is what being in a relationship is all about. That's the tough part, compromise. Either I want along or she went by herself and I was left behind.
I still can't do family and refuse. A friend recently asked me to come to a lake house while her and her immediate family would be there to ride bikes. I simply had to decline. I don't do families.
And it's such a wonderful feeling. Hell, it's worth all the pain right there, not be involved with family anymore. What freedom! What peace! Well, you can already tell that I don't miss them.
Love in, love out! You must put love out there in order to get it back. I see on TV where people are right there to go through their parents suffering. I had to distance myself. I couldn't take it anymore. The theatrics were Oscars quality..so much that it took me years to catch on to the performances.
Hm, I'm wondering if the parade is "rain or shine" tomorrow.. I guess that is up to individual discrimination regarding being wet or dry? Let's see I always keep jeans and long sleeves in the car. The high tomorrow is a predicted 79
Well, here I go!
I'll suck it up and put on a happy face. I'm a pretty good actor anyway..last December was proof of that. Man that was tough!
I'll fulfill my obligations and then I'm out of there....
I'll fulfill my obligations and then I'm out of there....
Friday, June 23, 2006
Almost went a whole day..
I need to go to sleep, yeah right! Cause I need to get up early for the FR group run in the morning. Personally, I could skip it ( I used to enjoy it), but my shirts are in. Wonder where I'll wear them?
I need a place to land. I feel like I'm free falling. I'm in limbo.
I hate getting up early....because I hate going to bed!
I'm not that excited about this weekend. I could skip it. I was excited but I got the wind knocked out of my sails.. now I have to start all over again to get back in the game of life. I"m pretty tired of playing... Hey, I'm not normal!
What the hell was Connie Chung thinking about when she sang that "Thanks for the memories" . She also sang to Barbara Walters on her anniversary too. I think Barbara helped with her start in TV news. Remember when they tried to pair Connie up with Dan Rather..was it Dan.. or? Whom ever it was, hated the idea of sharing the limelight.
Let's face it, Connie Chung cannot sing. I'm not normal, but at least I keep to myself.
I turned the air off and opened up. Going in and out of A/c screws up my breathing for running. After running in the morning, I'll come right home and get ready to be at the park to work at noon. Damn, I signed up to walk in the parade then work at 2:00 PM. I'll follow through. I'll do what I promised. The incident the other evening.. just sort of did it for me..and like my mother there was "no support". The daddy said. "Oh just slap him, maybe that will scare him into stopping!" "Maybe?" One is worse than the other!
I'm still upset.. I"ll be glad when this weekend is over.
They are gathering too on N's patio at 8 on Saturday... my gut just isn't in it
I'm telling you, I don't fit anywhere. I just have to ride out this slump (or whatever it is, I'm in). I have to be my happy sweet self this weekend. I don't feel like it!
This is going to take awhile!
Good night! I have to walk my Rottweiler.
I need a place to land. I feel like I'm free falling. I'm in limbo.
I hate getting up early....because I hate going to bed!
I'm not that excited about this weekend. I could skip it. I was excited but I got the wind knocked out of my sails.. now I have to start all over again to get back in the game of life. I"m pretty tired of playing... Hey, I'm not normal!
What the hell was Connie Chung thinking about when she sang that "Thanks for the memories" . She also sang to Barbara Walters on her anniversary too. I think Barbara helped with her start in TV news. Remember when they tried to pair Connie up with Dan Rather..was it Dan.. or? Whom ever it was, hated the idea of sharing the limelight.
Let's face it, Connie Chung cannot sing. I'm not normal, but at least I keep to myself.
I turned the air off and opened up. Going in and out of A/c screws up my breathing for running. After running in the morning, I'll come right home and get ready to be at the park to work at noon. Damn, I signed up to walk in the parade then work at 2:00 PM. I'll follow through. I'll do what I promised. The incident the other evening.. just sort of did it for me..and like my mother there was "no support". The daddy said. "Oh just slap him, maybe that will scare him into stopping!" "Maybe?" One is worse than the other!
I'm still upset.. I"ll be glad when this weekend is over.
They are gathering too on N's patio at 8 on Saturday... my gut just isn't in it
I'm telling you, I don't fit anywhere. I just have to ride out this slump (or whatever it is, I'm in). I have to be my happy sweet self this weekend. I don't feel like it!
This is going to take awhile!
Good night! I have to walk my Rottweiler.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Gay men having babies...priceless?
Gay men having babies, was on the Discovery Channel this evening. They had on woman of a lesbian couple have the baby. The gay couple was not sure who fathered the baby of the two of them.
I noticed something different between heterosexual couples and lesbian couples in the delivery room. In this case, the lesbian partner (couch) was tenderly holding the delivering mother in her arms and kissing her cheek as she went through the labor and delivery. Wow, such tenderness! In the end she lovingly looked at her new-mother partner and said. " I am in awe of you."
Such a lovely demonstration of the heart of a woman.. and that is what I love about a woman.. her heart. Her tenderness; I never found that in a man. It's the estrogen I guess?
There was a camera shot of the two woman together and the mother holding the baby. And I thought how could they possibly give that baby up (to those two guys)?
I thought they should buy a huge big house and and all found live together and raise the baby. I'm sure all would have troubled, confusing, and heart torn moments. Why didn't the two guys just adopt a baby. Why take that baby away from it's biological mother? I wouldn't be able to do it. Those two women should have raised that baby.
But, both men contributed their sperm and they were not sure which was the true father. I believe they paid the surrogate mother somewhere in the area of twenty thousand dollars. You know there are some things that you just cannot put a price tag on...
I noticed something different between heterosexual couples and lesbian couples in the delivery room. In this case, the lesbian partner (couch) was tenderly holding the delivering mother in her arms and kissing her cheek as she went through the labor and delivery. Wow, such tenderness! In the end she lovingly looked at her new-mother partner and said. " I am in awe of you."
Such a lovely demonstration of the heart of a woman.. and that is what I love about a woman.. her heart. Her tenderness; I never found that in a man. It's the estrogen I guess?
There was a camera shot of the two woman together and the mother holding the baby. And I thought how could they possibly give that baby up (to those two guys)?
I thought they should buy a huge big house and and all found live together and raise the baby. I'm sure all would have troubled, confusing, and heart torn moments. Why didn't the two guys just adopt a baby. Why take that baby away from it's biological mother? I wouldn't be able to do it. Those two women should have raised that baby.
But, both men contributed their sperm and they were not sure which was the true father. I believe they paid the surrogate mother somewhere in the area of twenty thousand dollars. You know there are some things that you just cannot put a price tag on...
On Being Gay....
It's the weirdest thing I have ever been. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I fall in love and I am attracted to feminine women. Yes, and they are usually straight!
When I was in my 30's there were no lesbians to be found anywhere in the town where I lived. The only ones I thought existed with the heavily Harley tattooed dyke's and they scared the hell out of me. I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian because I was not a dyke. I didn't want to be like them so I was very confused and troubled.
I didn't want to fall in love with women, (usually one of my straight friends) or desire them; yet I did. I dated every man that asked me out thinking that the right one would come along and something would click. Well, the last one was about as close to a perfect man as could be. I felt very feminine near him. He was very masculine, tall, nice hairy chest even. I felt protected. I felt so normal in his presence in my masquerade. I was with him and couldn't wait to see her. And she was a pain in the ass, a brat and why I was in love with her I"ll never know. We were nothing but friends. In those years I never approached a woman nor was I approached. I was lonely inside. My heart ached. Even in his arms in bed (and the sex was too. He was a good lover) I felt this longing for the warmth and tenderness of a woman, something I had never had. Something that was seriously missing.
After so many years of living a lie to myself, friends and family, I couldn't take it no longer. Guys instinctively knew I couldn't connect emotionally and eventually were gone. Some hung in there long, the last one about six years and one earlier about four. At about age 40, I was really looking good I began more active physically with running, riding, tennis, and working out. I had stopped smoking at about age 36. I was getting ready; I wanted to be the best I could be at 40.
At 40 I thought what if I'm nothing, asexual. What if women don't do it for me either. I soon hooked up with a woman from work and she moved in and we spent the next 15 years together. Yeah 15 years. We were compatible in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways I was not happy; in sex and in things we did and with the type of friends.
I think I spent the first few years in shock. Lesbians on the most part were over weight and masculine with short hair. But, see, I was always so in love with the cute little feminine women. What happened? Then we met a couple of lesbians who were straight looking and feminine and that was refreshing. I wanted to kiss her very badly, but couldn't because of her partner and besides I was afraid I would want more. I had so much desire then.
I turned that desire off until last about two years ago when I totally fell in love with; yes, another straight woman. She held me and I kissed (her cheek) it was wonderful. I longed for her 24/7 for months. I knew then that I had to change my life.
I did! I made extreme changes I split up the long term relationship and sold my condo and moved to another state and bought there. And I didn't tell my family. That was another issue too. I never belonged there! It was awful. I realized my whole life in every aspect had been I big ass lie to fit in and please everyone else but myself. No more!
I died and went to heaven when I met my 05 summer love (05SL). Little did she know she was loves gift to me. I could cry just thinking about it. It was wonderful! She was perfect! I loved her body! I loved her! She gave me life! She saved my life! And yes, I am truly a lesbian! Oh, she was perfect and feminine. Her hair! I loved her hair! She was sexy.
What more can I say! I wish to fine another like her..or close. It's my dream now! Hopefully very soon it will happen.
Yes, it's not the perfect life as far as society is concerned; the world is against you. I am odd! It would be so much easier to be straight and easier maybe to fine love.
Relationships, I guess are relationships, it is hard being single in the gay life as it was in the straight life. Couples appear happier than normal and there is that sense that you are bad karma to be around. And it's not me personally but the idea of separation. I may give someone the idea to break away, to cut out on their own.
I wanted love and passion. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to experience that just one time before I died... and I did. I was totally in love with her and it was wonderful and we had wonderful, wonderful sex. I could never get enough of her.. I loved her so much.
I should have been better...but old ways crepe in.. I should have been more affectionate. I should have been better for her. Maybe we both "don't do relationships"? Anyway, it broke my heart. I miss loving like that, with all my heart. I loved her with all my heart.. even on the bad days.
I think now, that if it every happens again. And I know it will because I am in charge of my life and my life's dreams and happens. I just merely waiting for her to get freed up...and ready for me. No, I don't know who it is yet. But, she'll be wonderfully feminine; a dream in reality, just like 05SL. I will live to love again and very soon. Her hair, her skin, her body, will be beautifully feminine and sexual. Her heart pure, loving, giving and well as receiving. Precious! Adorable! She's on her way!
And I'm looking good... I"m comfortable in my own skin.... so I"m ready. That's very important you know.. I have to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable with another.
When I was in my 30's there were no lesbians to be found anywhere in the town where I lived. The only ones I thought existed with the heavily Harley tattooed dyke's and they scared the hell out of me. I thought that I couldn't be a lesbian because I was not a dyke. I didn't want to be like them so I was very confused and troubled.
I didn't want to fall in love with women, (usually one of my straight friends) or desire them; yet I did. I dated every man that asked me out thinking that the right one would come along and something would click. Well, the last one was about as close to a perfect man as could be. I felt very feminine near him. He was very masculine, tall, nice hairy chest even. I felt protected. I felt so normal in his presence in my masquerade. I was with him and couldn't wait to see her. And she was a pain in the ass, a brat and why I was in love with her I"ll never know. We were nothing but friends. In those years I never approached a woman nor was I approached. I was lonely inside. My heart ached. Even in his arms in bed (and the sex was too. He was a good lover) I felt this longing for the warmth and tenderness of a woman, something I had never had. Something that was seriously missing.
After so many years of living a lie to myself, friends and family, I couldn't take it no longer. Guys instinctively knew I couldn't connect emotionally and eventually were gone. Some hung in there long, the last one about six years and one earlier about four. At about age 40, I was really looking good I began more active physically with running, riding, tennis, and working out. I had stopped smoking at about age 36. I was getting ready; I wanted to be the best I could be at 40.
At 40 I thought what if I'm nothing, asexual. What if women don't do it for me either. I soon hooked up with a woman from work and she moved in and we spent the next 15 years together. Yeah 15 years. We were compatible in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways I was not happy; in sex and in things we did and with the type of friends.
I think I spent the first few years in shock. Lesbians on the most part were over weight and masculine with short hair. But, see, I was always so in love with the cute little feminine women. What happened? Then we met a couple of lesbians who were straight looking and feminine and that was refreshing. I wanted to kiss her very badly, but couldn't because of her partner and besides I was afraid I would want more. I had so much desire then.
I turned that desire off until last about two years ago when I totally fell in love with; yes, another straight woman. She held me and I kissed (her cheek) it was wonderful. I longed for her 24/7 for months. I knew then that I had to change my life.
I did! I made extreme changes I split up the long term relationship and sold my condo and moved to another state and bought there. And I didn't tell my family. That was another issue too. I never belonged there! It was awful. I realized my whole life in every aspect had been I big ass lie to fit in and please everyone else but myself. No more!
I died and went to heaven when I met my 05 summer love (05SL). Little did she know she was loves gift to me. I could cry just thinking about it. It was wonderful! She was perfect! I loved her body! I loved her! She gave me life! She saved my life! And yes, I am truly a lesbian! Oh, she was perfect and feminine. Her hair! I loved her hair! She was sexy.
What more can I say! I wish to fine another like her..or close. It's my dream now! Hopefully very soon it will happen.
Yes, it's not the perfect life as far as society is concerned; the world is against you. I am odd! It would be so much easier to be straight and easier maybe to fine love.
Relationships, I guess are relationships, it is hard being single in the gay life as it was in the straight life. Couples appear happier than normal and there is that sense that you are bad karma to be around. And it's not me personally but the idea of separation. I may give someone the idea to break away, to cut out on their own.
I wanted love and passion. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to experience that just one time before I died... and I did. I was totally in love with her and it was wonderful and we had wonderful, wonderful sex. I could never get enough of her.. I loved her so much.
I should have been better...but old ways crepe in.. I should have been more affectionate. I should have been better for her. Maybe we both "don't do relationships"? Anyway, it broke my heart. I miss loving like that, with all my heart. I loved her with all my heart.. even on the bad days.
I think now, that if it every happens again. And I know it will because I am in charge of my life and my life's dreams and happens. I just merely waiting for her to get freed up...and ready for me. No, I don't know who it is yet. But, she'll be wonderfully feminine; a dream in reality, just like 05SL. I will live to love again and very soon. Her hair, her skin, her body, will be beautifully feminine and sexual. Her heart pure, loving, giving and well as receiving. Precious! Adorable! She's on her way!
And I'm looking good... I"m comfortable in my own skin.... so I"m ready. That's very important you know.. I have to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable with another.
Cher and Cheney
Can it be what you make it?
Cher is 60 and Cher will only be as old as she wants to be. She'll probably feel more tired of it all then anything.
Cher has new passions like seeing that soldiers in Iraq are provided with the proper equipment to protect her heads. The soldiers need padded helmets to protect their brains from the vibrations and reverberations of bomb blasts.
She visits amputees and injuries in hospitals. They all want to get back there to help their buddies. Cher hates the war but supports the soldiers she has been to congress to get a move n the helmet issue and results came quickly. She has made a difference.
Funny, how it takes the average (well she is not average) citizen (I am seeing that celebrities have money and influence) to see that contributions for the betterment of the troops get made. Where is the government? They certainly are not on top of things.
From the get go the military was not properly prepared either with training or equipment. the government just wanted to get them there fast. We certainly were concerned with having a presence there fast was that to protect the oil.
Today on CNN Cheney says (by the way, the house voted down Kerry's bill to pull out by July 2007) something that didn't make sense to me. And he said something like this: If we pull out they will follow us no matter where we go? What? Then he names a bunch of countries, Africa being one of them. He made it sound like we have the terrorist contained. We are not fighting Al Qaeda in Iraq. And what ever happened to them anyway. We sure don't hear anything from Asama Bin Laden do we? Remember that huge tall man in white on the video we let get away. Was it all staged in 2001; did we work with Saudi Arabia? Was it all orchestrated? Right away bang we went after an easier target with a flimsy excuse, Saddam Hussein in Iraq Now we are there spinning our wheels and losing life and limb and for what? OIL!
Yes, Bush and his bunch of daddies' cronies are still living in the 50's. Them and the oil companies and the American auto industries. All together happy and rich and treading in oil and polluting the air for generations to come.
Cher is 60 and Cher will only be as old as she wants to be. She'll probably feel more tired of it all then anything.
Cher has new passions like seeing that soldiers in Iraq are provided with the proper equipment to protect her heads. The soldiers need padded helmets to protect their brains from the vibrations and reverberations of bomb blasts.
She visits amputees and injuries in hospitals. They all want to get back there to help their buddies. Cher hates the war but supports the soldiers she has been to congress to get a move n the helmet issue and results came quickly. She has made a difference.
Funny, how it takes the average (well she is not average) citizen (I am seeing that celebrities have money and influence) to see that contributions for the betterment of the troops get made. Where is the government? They certainly are not on top of things.
From the get go the military was not properly prepared either with training or equipment. the government just wanted to get them there fast. We certainly were concerned with having a presence there fast was that to protect the oil.
Today on CNN Cheney says (by the way, the house voted down Kerry's bill to pull out by July 2007) something that didn't make sense to me. And he said something like this: If we pull out they will follow us no matter where we go? What? Then he names a bunch of countries, Africa being one of them. He made it sound like we have the terrorist contained. We are not fighting Al Qaeda in Iraq. And what ever happened to them anyway. We sure don't hear anything from Asama Bin Laden do we? Remember that huge tall man in white on the video we let get away. Was it all staged in 2001; did we work with Saudi Arabia? Was it all orchestrated? Right away bang we went after an easier target with a flimsy excuse, Saddam Hussein in Iraq Now we are there spinning our wheels and losing life and limb and for what? OIL!
Yes, Bush and his bunch of daddies' cronies are still living in the 50's. Them and the oil companies and the American auto industries. All together happy and rich and treading in oil and polluting the air for generations to come.
Running Solo
Well, I ran over to Till es to run with the women and the run was going well so I didn't stop. It was hot and I wanted to get the run in and over.
I ran out of the park on onward; then, in a distance I saw the two leaders and the sister trailer. I almost yelled and joined up but today I felt that I wanted to be able to slow to a walk when I wanted to. It was hot. When I run with others I have to push myself or try to talk as I run; which is difficult for me.
So, at first I felt guilty or as I was missing out on something; but then, I realized I wasn't. Or do I join up on things to be able to tell other people what I have done. So I sound busy and social (must be something left over from my childhood - guilt) when flying solo may be just fine for me.
I can come and go and do as I want when I fly solo. Really, no one is that interested in what I have to say anyway.
Here is how my last two "people associated" events went: Tuesday, I practically got molested by a not quit normal youth which scared the shit out of me and his father merely suggests I should just slap him. I should?
And last evening at yoga a neighbor asked if I was available to help hold her dog down while she gave him a shot..so I can have the opportunity to be bitten! I hope she has a muzzle.
Now, you wonder why I want to "fly solo"! Is life just weird or what? Now grant it, there are people I truly enjoy; in fact I enjoy most people. This thing with the kid just really threw me off course for awhile. Oh, I'll get back on soon I hope. I just need a loving, very cute break..send me an angel. Someone sexual, fun, light-hearted, youthful, sweet, cute and wants me... oh and gay.
I know the purpose of people is not to enhance my day.. but theres. People are not out there to enhance my day; to do me any favors; to love me! That's a joke! So when will I learn to STOP looking! I think I am learning.
It's a long slow lesson when you don't want to learn the truth; when you don't want to learn the reality of it all and that is we are all out there just to get our needs met. It's called use and discard. It's a shallow world. And I am probably just as shallow as the next guy even though I like to flatter myself and think that someone adorable (like 05SL) is actually out there for me.
Well, it's summer now and 06SL is not happening yet!
I can't believe my heart got so ripped out last summer. I think I loved her so much more than I realized...she felt like home! It was wonderful! Yes, I miss her! I have let it go! But god, she sure felt like home! I got comfortable and began doing things for her, you know like a family person would do. She got mad....well, there was more.
Bottom line it was just hard to let go...even though I knew she was done with me! She gave me about three months and then she was done and it was time for her to move on.
There is another side to this too...I pushed her away...I needed some space but instead of telling her I think I pushed her away. My first night alone was my idea.
I think she wants someone there for her...but, she appeared standoffish. I don't know! All I know is that now I think I feel regrets.
You know what? It's been so long that I think I just love the memories...probably if I did see her again .. there would be nothing. Or I would be able to see right through her to the real core of her and I wouldn't care as much. In a way I am sort of afraid of that happening.
Sometimes it more fun and mysterious to desire the unobtainable. Sometimes there is more satisfaction in our thoughts of the perfect relationship.
At times I do miss Lou. I do miss the way our minds worked well together in planning and buying large items. In retrospect it wasn't that bad. I came out at 40 and she was my first and there was no sex life to speak of. There was no passion.
Okay now for that walk to the book store before the rain starts.. and then later some yoga poses..
I gotta tell ya.. that kid really set me back. I'm almost afraid to leave the house.. I'll force myself.. here I go!
With 05SL I felt extreme passion and it was wonderful! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
I ran out of the park on onward; then, in a distance I saw the two leaders and the sister trailer. I almost yelled and joined up but today I felt that I wanted to be able to slow to a walk when I wanted to. It was hot. When I run with others I have to push myself or try to talk as I run; which is difficult for me.
So, at first I felt guilty or as I was missing out on something; but then, I realized I wasn't. Or do I join up on things to be able to tell other people what I have done. So I sound busy and social (must be something left over from my childhood - guilt) when flying solo may be just fine for me.
I can come and go and do as I want when I fly solo. Really, no one is that interested in what I have to say anyway.
Here is how my last two "people associated" events went: Tuesday, I practically got molested by a not quit normal youth which scared the shit out of me and his father merely suggests I should just slap him. I should?
And last evening at yoga a neighbor asked if I was available to help hold her dog down while she gave him a shot..so I can have the opportunity to be bitten! I hope she has a muzzle.
Now, you wonder why I want to "fly solo"! Is life just weird or what? Now grant it, there are people I truly enjoy; in fact I enjoy most people. This thing with the kid just really threw me off course for awhile. Oh, I'll get back on soon I hope. I just need a loving, very cute break..send me an angel. Someone sexual, fun, light-hearted, youthful, sweet, cute and wants me... oh and gay.
I know the purpose of people is not to enhance my day.. but theres. People are not out there to enhance my day; to do me any favors; to love me! That's a joke! So when will I learn to STOP looking! I think I am learning.
It's a long slow lesson when you don't want to learn the truth; when you don't want to learn the reality of it all and that is we are all out there just to get our needs met. It's called use and discard. It's a shallow world. And I am probably just as shallow as the next guy even though I like to flatter myself and think that someone adorable (like 05SL) is actually out there for me.
Well, it's summer now and 06SL is not happening yet!
I can't believe my heart got so ripped out last summer. I think I loved her so much more than I realized...she felt like home! It was wonderful! Yes, I miss her! I have let it go! But god, she sure felt like home! I got comfortable and began doing things for her, you know like a family person would do. She got mad....well, there was more.
Bottom line it was just hard to let go...even though I knew she was done with me! She gave me about three months and then she was done and it was time for her to move on.
There is another side to this too...I pushed her away...I needed some space but instead of telling her I think I pushed her away. My first night alone was my idea.
I think she wants someone there for her...but, she appeared standoffish. I don't know! All I know is that now I think I feel regrets.
You know what? It's been so long that I think I just love the memories...probably if I did see her again .. there would be nothing. Or I would be able to see right through her to the real core of her and I wouldn't care as much. In a way I am sort of afraid of that happening.
Sometimes it more fun and mysterious to desire the unobtainable. Sometimes there is more satisfaction in our thoughts of the perfect relationship.
At times I do miss Lou. I do miss the way our minds worked well together in planning and buying large items. In retrospect it wasn't that bad. I came out at 40 and she was my first and there was no sex life to speak of. There was no passion.
Okay now for that walk to the book store before the rain starts.. and then later some yoga poses..
I gotta tell ya.. that kid really set me back. I'm almost afraid to leave the house.. I'll force myself.. here I go!
With 05SL I felt extreme passion and it was wonderful! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I'm back! I survived!
I can't tell you how many times in my life I have had to drag myself back into the present after a negative mishap like last evening. I am so sick of being abused, belittled and geniunely mistreated...and none of mine was all that serious. So many more people go through so much more; still, I get sick of it. Also, I'm glad I left those ignorant people back in IL., too!
I don't say much when I reach a saturation point then I make big changes. when I was a kid my brother would physically, emotionally and mentally abuse enough; that is until I had enough and about took his eye out with a BB gun. Yes, I did feel bad and was so glad that his eye was okay. Let me tell you though; he bothered me a lot less after that payback. You can only push me just so far.
The yoga class this evening worked wonders. It totally puts my mind into the present moment because I have to listen carefully to continuous changing instructions for various poses.
If I wish I can attend "walk-in" classes two or three more times a week. I'll consider a Monday morning at 9:00 AM and then again maybe Thursday morning with the instructor that filled in for Teri (I really like her) this evening.
If I want to run with the women in the morning, I guess I need to get to sleep soon.
I have always had a problem with getting my butt to bed in the evening. I just had popcorn, I need to allow it to settle.
I don't say much when I reach a saturation point then I make big changes. when I was a kid my brother would physically, emotionally and mentally abuse enough; that is until I had enough and about took his eye out with a BB gun. Yes, I did feel bad and was so glad that his eye was okay. Let me tell you though; he bothered me a lot less after that payback. You can only push me just so far.
The yoga class this evening worked wonders. It totally puts my mind into the present moment because I have to listen carefully to continuous changing instructions for various poses.
If I wish I can attend "walk-in" classes two or three more times a week. I'll consider a Monday morning at 9:00 AM and then again maybe Thursday morning with the instructor that filled in for Teri (I really like her) this evening.
If I want to run with the women in the morning, I guess I need to get to sleep soon.
I have always had a problem with getting my butt to bed in the evening. I just had popcorn, I need to allow it to settle.
My Energy is Zapped Today
Could be the heat, it's 90 degrees already at 11:00 AM; but, it is probably the events of last evening that have me feeling lifeless, non-sexual (uninterested), depressed, and zapped emotionally and physically.
I think the youth's inappropriate sexual inclined staring and near touching conjured up depressed abusive memories and negative feelings I had so successfully ( I thought) buried from my youth. Last night was another kick in the gut. One less social event I will not be able to attend it appears. I won't go Thursday (tomorrow) evening. Hopefully, I'll feel better by Saturday morning. Today, I feel exhausted! Normally, I'm very active, riding, running, yoga, going to the pool...today nothing interest me. I'll give myself this one day and then pull myself up out of this condition. I am finding that we are "totally" alone regarding abusive events and our perspective of them..no one else can know how it effects us and we each are affected differently. This, I think, helps me to understand 05SL a little better, perhaps. But, I know, I would never know..it only makes me more sympathetic to abuse victims. This kid scared the shit out of me. "Just slap him?" I wanted to coil and turn to run, which I did.
I jumped up and got away from him when I saw his eyes were cold and non-connective..he was in his own world of raging hormones..one of these day, I fear a "slap" would only provoke him, giving him gratification from a heightened negative response from her. I am not alone in my thinking, many others in the group have expressed feelings of being "creep ed out". "He's creepy". I never paid much attention, in all honesty, until he go in my face, once last Thursday and twice last night...then I had had enough. He had crossed the line and his father's nonchalant response to the obvious in appropriate behavior was "enough" for me. I feel I was offended on both counts: the kid's inappropriate behavior and the father's casualness of the whole occurrences that took place. Again that slight smile, like he thought it was cute!
I know life is as we perceive it. My perception may differ from an other's due to background, and even past life experiences. I feel bad and guilty that I let this affect me as it did. Lou said do not feel bad, your feelings are valid.
I have no specific sexual abuse memories but I remember certain levels of verbal, mental and physical abuse that I encountered as a child from males and the cold distance and negativity of my mother. My trust was shattered in humankind. My mother was not supportive and turned a blind eye. At times even displaying pleasure from my pain with expressive faint smiles and cruel silent. I felt guilty, as if it all was my fault. I must have done something wrong to be treated like this. I'm feeling lifeless and vulnerable and hopeless like I did as a kid. I had no escape. I had no recourse and I had to wait it out and go along doing the best I could being quiet and fading to the background. I was backward, so my mother often described.
They were determined to keep me emotionally and mentally crushed in a trapped environment. I lived isolated in the country without a support system in an authoritarian society. It was clear, children had no rights, no social services to run to. I'm talking about the 50's and 60's where males were considered superior and women inferior and secondary. The authority of the thoracic church ruled!
Today, now, my heart aches and my gut hurts. Last night I was shaken with feeling of violation; today I guess the after affects. I feel hopeless.
Just when I thought I was getting along okay. Oh I dreamed everyday of the pretty girls and fantasized. Actually, it was quite healthy for me.
I have always found love via fantasies and daydreams of someone loving me. A woman loving me - holding me
I guess I need to go back into therapy; I don't want to because its too hard. It's torture.
I think the youth's inappropriate sexual inclined staring and near touching conjured up depressed abusive memories and negative feelings I had so successfully ( I thought) buried from my youth. Last night was another kick in the gut. One less social event I will not be able to attend it appears. I won't go Thursday (tomorrow) evening. Hopefully, I'll feel better by Saturday morning. Today, I feel exhausted! Normally, I'm very active, riding, running, yoga, going to the pool...today nothing interest me. I'll give myself this one day and then pull myself up out of this condition. I am finding that we are "totally" alone regarding abusive events and our perspective of them..no one else can know how it effects us and we each are affected differently. This, I think, helps me to understand 05SL a little better, perhaps. But, I know, I would never know..it only makes me more sympathetic to abuse victims. This kid scared the shit out of me. "Just slap him?" I wanted to coil and turn to run, which I did.
I jumped up and got away from him when I saw his eyes were cold and non-connective..he was in his own world of raging hormones..one of these day, I fear a "slap" would only provoke him, giving him gratification from a heightened negative response from her. I am not alone in my thinking, many others in the group have expressed feelings of being "creep ed out". "He's creepy". I never paid much attention, in all honesty, until he go in my face, once last Thursday and twice last night...then I had had enough. He had crossed the line and his father's nonchalant response to the obvious in appropriate behavior was "enough" for me. I feel I was offended on both counts: the kid's inappropriate behavior and the father's casualness of the whole occurrences that took place. Again that slight smile, like he thought it was cute!
I know life is as we perceive it. My perception may differ from an other's due to background, and even past life experiences. I feel bad and guilty that I let this affect me as it did. Lou said do not feel bad, your feelings are valid.
I have no specific sexual abuse memories but I remember certain levels of verbal, mental and physical abuse that I encountered as a child from males and the cold distance and negativity of my mother. My trust was shattered in humankind. My mother was not supportive and turned a blind eye. At times even displaying pleasure from my pain with expressive faint smiles and cruel silent. I felt guilty, as if it all was my fault. I must have done something wrong to be treated like this. I'm feeling lifeless and vulnerable and hopeless like I did as a kid. I had no escape. I had no recourse and I had to wait it out and go along doing the best I could being quiet and fading to the background. I was backward, so my mother often described.
They were determined to keep me emotionally and mentally crushed in a trapped environment. I lived isolated in the country without a support system in an authoritarian society. It was clear, children had no rights, no social services to run to. I'm talking about the 50's and 60's where males were considered superior and women inferior and secondary. The authority of the thoracic church ruled!
Today, now, my heart aches and my gut hurts. Last night I was shaken with feeling of violation; today I guess the after affects. I feel hopeless.
Just when I thought I was getting along okay. Oh I dreamed everyday of the pretty girls and fantasized. Actually, it was quite healthy for me.
I have always found love via fantasies and daydreams of someone loving me. A woman loving me - holding me
I guess I need to go back into therapy; I don't want to because its too hard. It's torture.
Unable to Sleep
I slept for a couple of hours then woke up hugging my pillow. Scared. I went to bed with long pants and t-shirt on..but before the events of this evening I slept in nothing.
Things inside of me were stirred by the events this evening. I'm feeling violated, scared and confused.
I think that I was abused as a kid and buried it. I somehow think my mother must have known but refused to acknowledge it. All I know is that she never held me or supported (held up for me) when my dad said or did things. It was as if, some things just were..part of being..
I hugged my pillow, cried and tried to figure it all out. I wished I had Teresa to put her arms around me. I thought of D (05SL) and knew she could never..hold me.
I'm a mess. Is this why I had imaginary women loving me (TV stars, pretty and older girls) as a child. They loved me..they were my sort of love I guess.
I woke up at 3:35 AM and all of a sudden it's 5:00 AM. I had to get up. I'm trying to figure it all out.
The events of the evening triggered something deep with inside of me. I was jolted by a raging hormone 15 year old whose father should not have been bringing me amongst the running group because he gets into women's spaces and faces and if eyes could touch you were touched...hands are next I'm sure. He scared me enough where I telephoned an officer. He about did the same to her even so that the father finally noticed and had the jokingly audacity to recommend "just slap him, if he gets to be too much; that should surprise or scare him enough to leave you alone."
Not good enough! I think his father was even part of the reason that I felt so upset with instincts roaring inside to flee. I jumped up and got away from the kid twice...and last Thursday too.
This is not acceptable. R asked if they would see me on Thursday? I had to honestly answer that I didn't know.
I feel violated. I just want to be left alone where it's safe. I was wishing that I would have ran into my neighbor, the social worker. Lately, I am been seeing in, while walking my rottweiler, out of 64,000 in the race for the cure, and this evening while gathering in the park to meet with the group. We said hi and made comments about seeing each other all the time. She went in to change to run. I didn't know she was also a runner. Later I saw her (during the whole thing with "the kid") walking to her car...she ran for a least an hour I guess. I like her. I could have stood to run into her this evening she walking her dog too. I needed to talk. I was upset. But, I didn't see her. I just thought maybe it was karma....
I wonder if things are all beginning to come to the surface. There is a reason why deep down I can't "trust", I moved and didn't inform my family and haven't spoken to them in over a year and do not miss them at all. I don't miss them at all. Doesn't that just tell you a lot?
Hopefully, the mystery gets unraveled. Lou said do not feel bad about feeling the way you do. You intuition told you to get scared this evening.
I can't go back as long as that kid is around. There is something mentally developmentally wrong with him such as autistic with turrets. He burps out and mumbles incoherently when he is standing in front of you close, in your space staring with his hand out, at your breast or any exposed skin.
I felt violated and frightened. Now, I feel drained, empty. The event took everything out of me. I'm a sad depressed shell for now...hopefully I'll feel better. I am practically used to not having anyone to held me and comfort me..so I really can't miss what I never had. Although, Teresa came along, sensed I needed to be held and save my life. It was so wonderful....
Just to feel warm, caring arms around me. Her body so close, her heart. God, I miss her! It was so wonderful to feel loved and cared about...shown love.
I'll be okay. I'll carry on like I have done all my life...but alone in the crowd, untrusting, never really connecting. I'm social to an extent but to frightened to be more and needing love very badly, I guess. I feel empty inside... always did even as a little kid.
I have a chest muscle that hurts behind my left breast, I think its from doing push-up like poses at yoga this afternoon. We had a wonderful workout. The class and instructor enjoyed the vigorous poses.
Guess I'll go back to bed, I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm confused. I think I was abused as a kid and just put it all to the side all these years. I never did relationships, certainly never wanted children, always had crushes on women from a distance - unbeknownst unto them. I'm tired.
Things inside of me were stirred by the events this evening. I'm feeling violated, scared and confused.
I think that I was abused as a kid and buried it. I somehow think my mother must have known but refused to acknowledge it. All I know is that she never held me or supported (held up for me) when my dad said or did things. It was as if, some things just were..part of being..
I hugged my pillow, cried and tried to figure it all out. I wished I had Teresa to put her arms around me. I thought of D (05SL) and knew she could never..hold me.
I'm a mess. Is this why I had imaginary women loving me (TV stars, pretty and older girls) as a child. They loved me..they were my sort of love I guess.
I woke up at 3:35 AM and all of a sudden it's 5:00 AM. I had to get up. I'm trying to figure it all out.
The events of the evening triggered something deep with inside of me. I was jolted by a raging hormone 15 year old whose father should not have been bringing me amongst the running group because he gets into women's spaces and faces and if eyes could touch you were touched...hands are next I'm sure. He scared me enough where I telephoned an officer. He about did the same to her even so that the father finally noticed and had the jokingly audacity to recommend "just slap him, if he gets to be too much; that should surprise or scare him enough to leave you alone."
Not good enough! I think his father was even part of the reason that I felt so upset with instincts roaring inside to flee. I jumped up and got away from the kid twice...and last Thursday too.
This is not acceptable. R asked if they would see me on Thursday? I had to honestly answer that I didn't know.
I feel violated. I just want to be left alone where it's safe. I was wishing that I would have ran into my neighbor, the social worker. Lately, I am been seeing in, while walking my rottweiler, out of 64,000 in the race for the cure, and this evening while gathering in the park to meet with the group. We said hi and made comments about seeing each other all the time. She went in to change to run. I didn't know she was also a runner. Later I saw her (during the whole thing with "the kid") walking to her car...she ran for a least an hour I guess. I like her. I could have stood to run into her this evening she walking her dog too. I needed to talk. I was upset. But, I didn't see her. I just thought maybe it was karma....
I wonder if things are all beginning to come to the surface. There is a reason why deep down I can't "trust", I moved and didn't inform my family and haven't spoken to them in over a year and do not miss them at all. I don't miss them at all. Doesn't that just tell you a lot?
Hopefully, the mystery gets unraveled. Lou said do not feel bad about feeling the way you do. You intuition told you to get scared this evening.
I can't go back as long as that kid is around. There is something mentally developmentally wrong with him such as autistic with turrets. He burps out and mumbles incoherently when he is standing in front of you close, in your space staring with his hand out, at your breast or any exposed skin.
I felt violated and frightened. Now, I feel drained, empty. The event took everything out of me. I'm a sad depressed shell for now...hopefully I'll feel better. I am practically used to not having anyone to held me and comfort me..so I really can't miss what I never had. Although, Teresa came along, sensed I needed to be held and save my life. It was so wonderful....
Just to feel warm, caring arms around me. Her body so close, her heart. God, I miss her! It was so wonderful to feel loved and cared about...shown love.
I'll be okay. I'll carry on like I have done all my life...but alone in the crowd, untrusting, never really connecting. I'm social to an extent but to frightened to be more and needing love very badly, I guess. I feel empty inside... always did even as a little kid.
I have a chest muscle that hurts behind my left breast, I think its from doing push-up like poses at yoga this afternoon. We had a wonderful workout. The class and instructor enjoyed the vigorous poses.
Guess I'll go back to bed, I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm confused. I think I was abused as a kid and just put it all to the side all these years. I never did relationships, certainly never wanted children, always had crushes on women from a distance - unbeknownst unto them. I'm tired.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Her eyes....
I was walking my rottweiler, later when I got home from running this evening, and the memory of a picture of an abused little girl, appeared in my mind's eye and wouldn't leave. The vision caused my heart to break all over again. I had seen the picture in the newspaper several years back. It happened near Mascoutah, IL and after thirty or more years the coroner, went to TX to get the step-mother who literally kicked this little girl to death...a slow death. The brother, abused too, but not killed finally told things to implicate the mother. The little girl would be coughing up clots of blood at the dinner table in her plate and the mother made her eat them. I can see the little girls eyes, still. Her school picture. Her eyes were sad.. so sad. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry thinking of her eyes. I saw pain like that in eyes last summer. It hurts my heart. No innocent child should have to suffer such mental and physical torture like that. The poor thing! That woman, the step-mother, is serving time now for murder. Those eyes still haunt me for in them was a cry for help and a sense of hopelessness. I will never forget them, never!
I am scared and shaken...
Will I went to the park to run with the group. The one guy brings his "disturbed" kid. Well, the "kid" who rides his bike around and shouts strange things now and then is 15 years old now and appears to have raging hormones. I think he's autistic with turret's.
Evidently his dad is aware, because when he sees his kid run over to sit next to a woman who just raises her shirt for a second because she is sitting there hot from running. He gets close like he wants to touch her. He dad says. "Hey, I told you to get that water, now go get it."
His dad thinks using distraction is effective enough. There is no way, he can be watching this kid all the time. And besides he got the water then just want on to bother someone else, like me. He was in my face and staring at my breasts.
Last Thursday I was talking to Wendy, and he came up close to me and stared at my breast (I have the group's logo t-shirt on over my sports bra, for god's sake!) He gets close mumbles and I can't understand him. He reaches out like he wants to touch me. I back way up and move away.
This evening he did it again but two different times. I actually got scared! I jumped up from my chair and moved away and began talking to other people. So he just moved to someone else. Evidently he likes us hot and sweaty (after the run).
"
Soon he sat down next to Rita and before long a guy from the other side of the table said. "Are you flirting with Rita?" Finally, his dad notices and says to Rita. He doesn't realize what is or isn't appropriate behavior. If he gets to be too much just slap him, maybe that will scare him enough!" I don't think Rita said anything. No body said anything. Before long Rita and Wendy got up to leave, and got ready to leave too. Later when I called her she said she and Wendy talked about Danny and his dad on the way home.
Well, for one thing. I believe it's no one place to have to correct or try to control "his" kid. For another, I think there is no control. I gave this kid a dirty look while he was bothering me. I look hard into his eyes..nothing! Blank!
Personally, I think if he was eyeing up a woman and she slapped him, I think he would think it was okay to retaliate and just do what he wants to her.
The kid scared me! I was very upset during my drive home and when I got home I called Lou, then called Rita and Wendy. Rita (she's an officer) said she and the other officers would talk to Mike.
I said here we are Pride weekend coming up wanting new members to sign up. We can't present this problem to new members. Obviously, the kid appears to be straight so the guys in the group are oblivious even the dad doesn't see how serious this is or just doesn't understand how this inappropriate behavior makes a woman feel any woman. It is especially disturbing to a woman who has been abused.
Mike should not be bringing this kid with him to our events and he has been bringing him more and more; in fact all the time. I almost think he thinks it's cute or he just doesn't understand the negative effects. Well, the guy sitting across from Rita sure noticed - he's a teacher.
I guess many times family members just are too close to notice or don't think their kid would do anything terribly wrong; or just can't imagine what they are capable of doing. Well, the fifteen year old, is not a kid anymore....he's a raging hormone time bomb.
Well, I trust my intuition and my gut and my gut was scared, very scared. Mike is going to have big trouble on his hands because this kid is taller than he is and bigger. Just want until the kid realizes his strength. Just wait until the day he realizes he can actually frighten someone. Just wait until the day, he realizes he can take what he wants..
Mike is going to have big trouble with this kid. Slap him? Hell the kid is bigger than I am and stronger... I should provoke him, yet........get real Mike!
I'm still shaken. Rita asked if I will come to join them Thursday evening.. I said I don't know... I told Tracey, if I calm down by them. I think I'll just wait until Saturday morning.
This is disturbing and I'm a little depressed and sad too.
What a violation to my safety, when someone like that gets right into your space. It's frightening because I know I see trouble in the near future with this kid - real trouble.
Evidently his dad is aware, because when he sees his kid run over to sit next to a woman who just raises her shirt for a second because she is sitting there hot from running. He gets close like he wants to touch her. He dad says. "Hey, I told you to get that water, now go get it."
His dad thinks using distraction is effective enough. There is no way, he can be watching this kid all the time. And besides he got the water then just want on to bother someone else, like me. He was in my face and staring at my breasts.
Last Thursday I was talking to Wendy, and he came up close to me and stared at my breast (I have the group's logo t-shirt on over my sports bra, for god's sake!) He gets close mumbles and I can't understand him. He reaches out like he wants to touch me. I back way up and move away.
This evening he did it again but two different times. I actually got scared! I jumped up from my chair and moved away and began talking to other people. So he just moved to someone else. Evidently he likes us hot and sweaty (after the run).
"
Soon he sat down next to Rita and before long a guy from the other side of the table said. "Are you flirting with Rita?" Finally, his dad notices and says to Rita. He doesn't realize what is or isn't appropriate behavior. If he gets to be too much just slap him, maybe that will scare him enough!" I don't think Rita said anything. No body said anything. Before long Rita and Wendy got up to leave, and got ready to leave too. Later when I called her she said she and Wendy talked about Danny and his dad on the way home.
Well, for one thing. I believe it's no one place to have to correct or try to control "his" kid. For another, I think there is no control. I gave this kid a dirty look while he was bothering me. I look hard into his eyes..nothing! Blank!
Personally, I think if he was eyeing up a woman and she slapped him, I think he would think it was okay to retaliate and just do what he wants to her.
The kid scared me! I was very upset during my drive home and when I got home I called Lou, then called Rita and Wendy. Rita (she's an officer) said she and the other officers would talk to Mike.
I said here we are Pride weekend coming up wanting new members to sign up. We can't present this problem to new members. Obviously, the kid appears to be straight so the guys in the group are oblivious even the dad doesn't see how serious this is or just doesn't understand how this inappropriate behavior makes a woman feel any woman. It is especially disturbing to a woman who has been abused.
Mike should not be bringing this kid with him to our events and he has been bringing him more and more; in fact all the time. I almost think he thinks it's cute or he just doesn't understand the negative effects. Well, the guy sitting across from Rita sure noticed - he's a teacher.
I guess many times family members just are too close to notice or don't think their kid would do anything terribly wrong; or just can't imagine what they are capable of doing. Well, the fifteen year old, is not a kid anymore....he's a raging hormone time bomb.
Well, I trust my intuition and my gut and my gut was scared, very scared. Mike is going to have big trouble on his hands because this kid is taller than he is and bigger. Just want until the kid realizes his strength. Just wait until the day he realizes he can actually frighten someone. Just wait until the day, he realizes he can take what he wants..
Mike is going to have big trouble with this kid. Slap him? Hell the kid is bigger than I am and stronger... I should provoke him, yet........get real Mike!
I'm still shaken. Rita asked if I will come to join them Thursday evening.. I said I don't know... I told Tracey, if I calm down by them. I think I'll just wait until Saturday morning.
This is disturbing and I'm a little depressed and sad too.
What a violation to my safety, when someone like that gets right into your space. It's frightening because I know I see trouble in the near future with this kid - real trouble.
Hot
Yeah that me - Hot! Today, I mean temperature-wise! I am hot though too! I think about it a lot anyway.
Well, I try not too, because it's a joke! Trust me it's a joke! I don't connect well with people. Probably my upbringing... sounds like a good place to put the blame.
I listened to NPR this morning and the book is called "An Elephant in the Room". Don't ask me by whom. He's Jewish. the name is not simply spelled and I couldn't pronounce it. Diane Reem, the interviewer had it spelled wrong too. Anyway about the book.
The elephant in the room is the thing that is most obvious; but, the thing that no one wants to talk about. You know like an illegitimate child (50's) or a lesbian (anytime). Children out of wed lock are a dime a dozen now and very well accepted in society without the blink of an eye; in fact, it appears mothers are proud when their daughters become pregnant.
But, a lesbian? That another abomination. A disgrace! It goes against nature or does it? If it was created by nature then it can't really go against nature can it.
I'm blame homosexual discrimination and hate crimes on the republicans' attempts to stir up the Christians favor in order to win votes. The republicans really don't give a shit one way or another I"m sure they are too busy counting their money and war and big business investments possibilities.
Homosexuals are tax payers just like everyone else and therefore for that simple reason, we demand the right to marriage. Oh, bullshit on the sanctity of marriage! Why would my marriage affect yours? Does your marriage effect another straight marriage? Only if you are having an affair. Come on get real. It's just a republican ploy to get re-elected and and keep the majority in the house and senate.
Homosexuals are mere scapegoats for republican political gain. Even the democrats will and have sold us out for a vote! It's all about the votes people. Follow the votes and follow the money.
Time for yoga...gotta go. Hopefully my Fazoli's has settled enough.
The above was before 1:00 PM..now it's 4:30 PM and 93 degrees. I guess I'll go to Frontrunners at 6:00 PM.
The last couple of evenings I ran for about 45 minutes at 8:00 PM and felt fabulous.
At 4:15 I took a Dr Lark's (on line) formula vitamin called "Energy Revitalizer" and I do believe this vitamin actually gives me more pep. I will let you know how it works in the "heat".
As long as the air is moving I think I should be alright.
Yoga was a real workout today and I loved it. Even the instructor loved it. God, did she touch me today.....I loved it! I was in a pose on my feet. She came up from behind to straighten me out and put on hand on my lower back near my hip and one opposite in the front. Nice! A nice touch! I love it!
I love to be touched! Don't you? Hey, it's a yoga class.
Well, I try not too, because it's a joke! Trust me it's a joke! I don't connect well with people. Probably my upbringing... sounds like a good place to put the blame.
I listened to NPR this morning and the book is called "An Elephant in the Room". Don't ask me by whom. He's Jewish. the name is not simply spelled and I couldn't pronounce it. Diane Reem, the interviewer had it spelled wrong too. Anyway about the book.
The elephant in the room is the thing that is most obvious; but, the thing that no one wants to talk about. You know like an illegitimate child (50's) or a lesbian (anytime). Children out of wed lock are a dime a dozen now and very well accepted in society without the blink of an eye; in fact, it appears mothers are proud when their daughters become pregnant.
But, a lesbian? That another abomination. A disgrace! It goes against nature or does it? If it was created by nature then it can't really go against nature can it.
I'm blame homosexual discrimination and hate crimes on the republicans' attempts to stir up the Christians favor in order to win votes. The republicans really don't give a shit one way or another I"m sure they are too busy counting their money and war and big business investments possibilities.
Homosexuals are tax payers just like everyone else and therefore for that simple reason, we demand the right to marriage. Oh, bullshit on the sanctity of marriage! Why would my marriage affect yours? Does your marriage effect another straight marriage? Only if you are having an affair. Come on get real. It's just a republican ploy to get re-elected and and keep the majority in the house and senate.
Homosexuals are mere scapegoats for republican political gain. Even the democrats will and have sold us out for a vote! It's all about the votes people. Follow the votes and follow the money.
Time for yoga...gotta go. Hopefully my Fazoli's has settled enough.
The above was before 1:00 PM..now it's 4:30 PM and 93 degrees. I guess I'll go to Frontrunners at 6:00 PM.
The last couple of evenings I ran for about 45 minutes at 8:00 PM and felt fabulous.
At 4:15 I took a Dr Lark's (on line) formula vitamin called "Energy Revitalizer" and I do believe this vitamin actually gives me more pep. I will let you know how it works in the "heat".
As long as the air is moving I think I should be alright.
Yoga was a real workout today and I loved it. Even the instructor loved it. God, did she touch me today.....I loved it! I was in a pose on my feet. She came up from behind to straighten me out and put on hand on my lower back near my hip and one opposite in the front. Nice! A nice touch! I love it!
I love to be touched! Don't you? Hey, it's a yoga class.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Only the American Auto makers.....
are living in the the 50's. How about the Mustang commercial where they "lay rubber". Oh they are in a parking lot, or some place... a father and son! They live in the past. Do you really think the "old man" isn't paying for that rubber and gas?
The commercial is unrealistic to say the lease. It's "blue collar" definitely!
High school education - wouldn't be able to afford the new mustang. And can't FORD think of any new designs? It seems they just open the book and point to an old picture and say "let's do that one again".
And isn't rumbling exhaust something of the past - again the 50's?
Well, in the 50's we didn't have to worry about rising gas prices or heating up the planet with exhaust fumes...like I said they are living in the past.
Buy Toyota, the vehicle of the present and the future...not the past!
Anyway, that "blue collar" is a new shade of blue now called Spanish blue.
....it's all meant to break up the unions...and lower wages and take away control from the workers.
The commercial is unrealistic to say the lease. It's "blue collar" definitely!
High school education - wouldn't be able to afford the new mustang. And can't FORD think of any new designs? It seems they just open the book and point to an old picture and say "let's do that one again".
And isn't rumbling exhaust something of the past - again the 50's?
Well, in the 50's we didn't have to worry about rising gas prices or heating up the planet with exhaust fumes...like I said they are living in the past.
Buy Toyota, the vehicle of the present and the future...not the past!
Anyway, that "blue collar" is a new shade of blue now called Spanish blue.
....it's all meant to break up the unions...and lower wages and take away control from the workers.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I thought about you today..
I think about you everyday just for a few moments. I hope you are fine! I hope someday I'll see you again. I'll hug you, you know, when I do. I couldn't for months, for fear that I wouldn't be able to let go. But now I think I would be okay. I only feel love for you... I don't expect anything in return. I don't expect you to love me or even like me.
I loved you before I made love to you. I think I loved you the moment I met you and looked into your eyes. You will stick in my heart for a very long time. If thoughts are a form of prayer; then, you'll receive an abundance. I told you that I would love you unconditionally forever and I will. I think you loved me too! Only you and I can't handle love very well! I doubt know, maybe you can now; but, I have a problem receiving love although I need it very badly. We tend to grow and learn from each relationship, I hope I have. I feel in my heart that I have.
Twenty years ago I was very scared and love was foreign to me. Everything scared me! Someone who say. "You've never see the beach?" and I would panic (as if they were going to kidnap me and take me there - make me go on vacation). At that time I had no desire to see the beach. My life was an emotional mess I just tried to survive from day to day.
But, since I've known L, I have been there - on the beach (yeah I finally went - with L, at least four times). It's a wonderful, spiritual place to feel god. It helps to have someone in your corner; someone you can count on. We are good friends and she taught me alot.
One of my dreams was to hold you in my arms on the beach. I know a wonderful woman's beach. It's secluded and romantic. I would love to just sit there with you leaning against my body. My arms around you, feeling your hair and cheek against mine. My arms wrapped together over your heart. My heart beating madly, like it did for four months or more last year. I know we are at different places. You don't feel the same. I really don't expect you to. It's doesn't matter...I still love you and that is unconditional love: I love you just because you are you, as complicated and has wonderful as you are. I love your heart. I think somewhere way down there in your heart you still love me...I love you too. Never forget that I do love you.
I want you to feel happy and loved. I hope you are content. Know that I love you and regret going against your wishes or being ignorant in anyway with you.
You probably just think that I am an idiot...it doesn't matter. Besides, I know better. I understand you more than what you think I do. I listened and observed very well to get pass the surface and the defense mechanisms to see your heart. You did fine! You do fine! You are a wonderful, brilliant human being. I feel so blessed that I got to know you. Another thing you helped me with besides what we had physically (so wonderful!) was you helped me at a time when I needed love and understandably most. You helped me understand the "family" thing. You showed me the way...that it was possible and that it happens, and that it's okay! Thanks to you and my many therapist through the years I am in a good place now - separated from them - with no regrets. I'm free! I'm safe! Thank you! Thank you for caring and loving me.
Some day you may need to feel something solid; someone solid in your life...just know that I'm here. My ex, L, is mine still. (She has someone. Yeah, I'm alone yet... I'm trying). I think if she wasn't in my life, I would be crying all the time because she keeps me grounded. I just need to know that someone cares about me and she is my rock. She is my family... I wanted you to be my family. Funny, I thought we would have the holidays together, you and I....I thought I would get the Cornish hen. I waited. I guess I messed that up.
The holidays were hard but I survived and felt free, anyway....actually, they were probably one of my best. I missed you though...but I understood.. you don't do relationships... you said that so I knew the end would be coming, I probably hurried it on a little... I think that is called "self-fulfilled prophecy". We think it's coming so we hurry it along..sometimes in doing so, we actually make it happen, where as maybe it wouldn't have..if we wouldn't have been expecting it so. I guess that is also called (in the spiritual world) creating our own environment.
See, I can't handle love either (will maybe you can, hopefully you feel loved and loving). Love is foreign to me..remember when I said "it was a thing of "trust".
The doctor saved my life when she wrapped her arms around me - first. She just sensed I needed to be held - she saved my life that day and I'm not kidding. I melted in her arms..I didn't expect her to hold me. I was dying and she sensed it somehow! I thought I pretended well enough that day, but she saw through me. God I love her! She was an angel. She was God (to me).
Then you came along and then I was truly alive. My heart beat madly I was so in love with you. You were a gift of love and life....and for that I will love you forever. You are very precious to me...know that in your heart. You were the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me..you came when I needed you most. It's so amazing how the universe can work miracles.
I know you have a good heart. I saw it in your eyes, I think. I know I saw sadness. I saw a scared little girl too! She won't leave my heart.. and it's okay, I want her there. You deserve to be loved. Yes, I remember everything that you shared with me! You still rose above it all, you rose up shining... you did good! You did okay...you did what you had to do.. You did very good for yourself and you should be very proud. I am! I am very proud to know you. I think you did wonderfully. You are very intelligent. You are brilliant and wonderful at what you do.. I know.
Just wanted you to know that. Well, will you put your arms around yourself for me..give yourself a hug... and when you do.. that's me... that's my heart you feel.
Smile big at me at pride...look me in the eye. I'm asking now. If I see you smile then I know it will be okay for me to walk up to you and hug you. I need to hug you.
Never ever feel bad about not loving me or caring about me, or even liking me...it's okay. Remember, I don't do love well... I mess it up. Somehow I can't fantom...I don't get it.
I loved you before I made love to you. I think I loved you the moment I met you and looked into your eyes. You will stick in my heart for a very long time. If thoughts are a form of prayer; then, you'll receive an abundance. I told you that I would love you unconditionally forever and I will. I think you loved me too! Only you and I can't handle love very well! I doubt know, maybe you can now; but, I have a problem receiving love although I need it very badly. We tend to grow and learn from each relationship, I hope I have. I feel in my heart that I have.
Twenty years ago I was very scared and love was foreign to me. Everything scared me! Someone who say. "You've never see the beach?" and I would panic (as if they were going to kidnap me and take me there - make me go on vacation). At that time I had no desire to see the beach. My life was an emotional mess I just tried to survive from day to day.
But, since I've known L, I have been there - on the beach (yeah I finally went - with L, at least four times). It's a wonderful, spiritual place to feel god. It helps to have someone in your corner; someone you can count on. We are good friends and she taught me alot.
One of my dreams was to hold you in my arms on the beach. I know a wonderful woman's beach. It's secluded and romantic. I would love to just sit there with you leaning against my body. My arms around you, feeling your hair and cheek against mine. My arms wrapped together over your heart. My heart beating madly, like it did for four months or more last year. I know we are at different places. You don't feel the same. I really don't expect you to. It's doesn't matter...I still love you and that is unconditional love: I love you just because you are you, as complicated and has wonderful as you are. I love your heart. I think somewhere way down there in your heart you still love me...I love you too. Never forget that I do love you.
I want you to feel happy and loved. I hope you are content. Know that I love you and regret going against your wishes or being ignorant in anyway with you.
You probably just think that I am an idiot...it doesn't matter. Besides, I know better. I understand you more than what you think I do. I listened and observed very well to get pass the surface and the defense mechanisms to see your heart. You did fine! You do fine! You are a wonderful, brilliant human being. I feel so blessed that I got to know you. Another thing you helped me with besides what we had physically (so wonderful!) was you helped me at a time when I needed love and understandably most. You helped me understand the "family" thing. You showed me the way...that it was possible and that it happens, and that it's okay! Thanks to you and my many therapist through the years I am in a good place now - separated from them - with no regrets. I'm free! I'm safe! Thank you! Thank you for caring and loving me.
Some day you may need to feel something solid; someone solid in your life...just know that I'm here. My ex, L, is mine still. (She has someone. Yeah, I'm alone yet... I'm trying). I think if she wasn't in my life, I would be crying all the time because she keeps me grounded. I just need to know that someone cares about me and she is my rock. She is my family... I wanted you to be my family. Funny, I thought we would have the holidays together, you and I....I thought I would get the Cornish hen. I waited. I guess I messed that up.
The holidays were hard but I survived and felt free, anyway....actually, they were probably one of my best. I missed you though...but I understood.. you don't do relationships... you said that so I knew the end would be coming, I probably hurried it on a little... I think that is called "self-fulfilled prophecy". We think it's coming so we hurry it along..sometimes in doing so, we actually make it happen, where as maybe it wouldn't have..if we wouldn't have been expecting it so. I guess that is also called (in the spiritual world) creating our own environment.
See, I can't handle love either (will maybe you can, hopefully you feel loved and loving). Love is foreign to me..remember when I said "it was a thing of "trust".
The doctor saved my life when she wrapped her arms around me - first. She just sensed I needed to be held - she saved my life that day and I'm not kidding. I melted in her arms..I didn't expect her to hold me. I was dying and she sensed it somehow! I thought I pretended well enough that day, but she saw through me. God I love her! She was an angel. She was God (to me).
Then you came along and then I was truly alive. My heart beat madly I was so in love with you. You were a gift of love and life....and for that I will love you forever. You are very precious to me...know that in your heart. You were the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me..you came when I needed you most. It's so amazing how the universe can work miracles.
I know you have a good heart. I saw it in your eyes, I think. I know I saw sadness. I saw a scared little girl too! She won't leave my heart.. and it's okay, I want her there. You deserve to be loved. Yes, I remember everything that you shared with me! You still rose above it all, you rose up shining... you did good! You did okay...you did what you had to do.. You did very good for yourself and you should be very proud. I am! I am very proud to know you. I think you did wonderfully. You are very intelligent. You are brilliant and wonderful at what you do.. I know.
Just wanted you to know that. Well, will you put your arms around yourself for me..give yourself a hug... and when you do.. that's me... that's my heart you feel.
Smile big at me at pride...look me in the eye. I'm asking now. If I see you smile then I know it will be okay for me to walk up to you and hug you. I need to hug you.
Never ever feel bad about not loving me or caring about me, or even liking me...it's okay. Remember, I don't do love well... I mess it up. Somehow I can't fantom...I don't get it.
D (PA) Rep. John Murtha
I'm with you John! And John says, that as long as we are in Iraq the insurgents will continue to pour in to fight each other and train for war there. The Iraqi President and Vice Presdient wants us out of there.
John predicts before the mid-term November elections we will have most of our troops back home.
John predicts before the mid-term November elections we will have most of our troops back home.
John says. "Stay the course?" and angrly and says, in so many words that there is no planned course. Our goverment does not have a good plan and we are flying by the seat of their pants (in my words).
There was no reason to enter into a war with Iraq. They did not attack us. We looked very hard for an excuse to enter into war with that country...let's just say we made one up? Oh, I forgot, we got wrong information. How convenient. We took the polcy of "do what you want and then make excuses or say your are sorry later."
Funny, how Iraq oil or the word "pipeline" or even Haliburton, never gets mentioned while journalist or representatives are senators are speaking of our reasons for "being there".
It's all so amazing to me, and then again, I'm not amazed at all. I guess today the most thing that I am amazed about is how gullible the government thinks we are. Better yet! They don't care how we feel and think, just how we vote. Oh, I forgot! New compurized voting machines with no paper tally to double check acuracy will be coming out soon, probably by the fall for the mid-term elections. Oh yeah, for sure the Repblicans will keep the house and senate... they'll see to it.
Oh, and speaking of Carl Rove (the election geniuse [he doesn't have a big head for nothing]); of course, he got off the hook. The few elite leaders are very powerful and make things happen.
Remember guys, I can still assume freedom of speech. Nice doggy! Good doggy!
Yes, by all means read "American Dynasty" by Kevin Phillips it's a real eye opener about the Bush dynasty and their cronies.
Another interesting book is "The World is Flat" by Thomas L Friedman. It's about where industry and our jobs are headed; only Friedman painted a pretty, fascinating pictures as if everything if hokey-dowry for anyone who wants a job.
Then read "The Working Poor" by David K. Shipler and "Nichol and Dimed" and get the real picture of workers in America...it's very sad and makes my heart hurt for these people struggling to make a living...while big old white ass Washington rich and big Corporate heads get richer and richer. You know, I'm convinced it's not about how much money...just so it's more than the next CEO's money. It's all about competition and power and greed! And in so doing they are polluting the atmosphere and ruining the planet for future generations and they don't even care. They only live for the money now. "Show me the money" now, and don't care about future generations.
Okay, guess I went on and on and on long enough now. It's time once again to walk my rottweiler in between showers. I love the rain!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
So far I"m not impressed..
with on line dating. I don't care how much money you have or the places around the world you like to travel. Not once did you sound interested in what I might like, or express any concerns about my thoughts, wishes and desires. Don't assume, it's what I want to do or even like to do.
In my profile I stated that I am interested in what you think and what is important to you. I guess I'm the only ones that feels that way.
Quit frankly, I'm not impressed generally speaking with any of them that are out there. I may like to live simply and simply live - peacefully enjoying each other's minds, hearts, and bodies.
I'm not into material things only the basics; nice basics that fit my middle class surroundings.
Oh, I knocked on a couple of doors just for the fun of it; but quit frankly, I think they sound to self-centered and not caring enough.
I guess I'm just content. This on line stuff really makes me miss 05SL. Some things are just gone forever and should be appreciated that they at least came around once.
That the funny thing with love and sex; the more you get, the more you want. Until it about consums my every thought...well not every, but close.
One note about my dog. A rottweiler. She was bugging me. I told her to go lay by the door and look out or go to sleep....she did! Spooky!
She is quite something. When we walk she wants to visit with the neighors who are walking their dogs, then she's happy and struts off after they pet her. She is very people minded....like me!
I want to know what makes you tick; what is important to you. I want to know your heart. God, I miss 05SL. I miss her terribly!
I know each of us perceive situations according to our own hearts. And what is wrong with that? I didn't have her made up as something she isn't. I know what she is. I know what is in her heart. I wish I could keep tabs and watch her grow.
I know that I have changed tremendously in the last 20 years. I changed the most in the last three years.
I came into my own. I don't care about what other's think. It's not important that you like me. I don't need anyone to "complete" me. I've done better than half of them ever could think of doing. In the end it doesn't matter does it?
I'm curious to see where the rest of this journey leads me. I'm open to new adventures. I want to meet someone very interesting. Someone who makes my heart beat; who blows me away spiritually and lovingly like the good doctor.
She is the coolest person I ever met; from her smooth sensual slow speech to eyes so piercing and all knowing that they seem to look directly through you. I could feel her gaze upon me. People are important to her. She listened very well; better than me, much better. She is the warmest most caring and loving person I ever met and it's not just because she is a physician; it's her heart! She just geniunely has a wonderful heart. I love her very much and think I always will. Her touch is gentle, her heart is pure. She heals by her touch; her arms wrapped around me she healed my dying heart. I was dying! You know when you are on the brink of death and I was. I'm better now for knowing her. I felt loved.
I feel soon the tide will turn and my life will change. There will be another in my life. She will be wary warm and caring. A treasure! It's on the way! Love is on the way!
In my profile I stated that I am interested in what you think and what is important to you. I guess I'm the only ones that feels that way.
Quit frankly, I'm not impressed generally speaking with any of them that are out there. I may like to live simply and simply live - peacefully enjoying each other's minds, hearts, and bodies.
I'm not into material things only the basics; nice basics that fit my middle class surroundings.
Oh, I knocked on a couple of doors just for the fun of it; but quit frankly, I think they sound to self-centered and not caring enough.
I guess I'm just content. This on line stuff really makes me miss 05SL. Some things are just gone forever and should be appreciated that they at least came around once.
That the funny thing with love and sex; the more you get, the more you want. Until it about consums my every thought...well not every, but close.
One note about my dog. A rottweiler. She was bugging me. I told her to go lay by the door and look out or go to sleep....she did! Spooky!
She is quite something. When we walk she wants to visit with the neighors who are walking their dogs, then she's happy and struts off after they pet her. She is very people minded....like me!
I want to know what makes you tick; what is important to you. I want to know your heart. God, I miss 05SL. I miss her terribly!
I know each of us perceive situations according to our own hearts. And what is wrong with that? I didn't have her made up as something she isn't. I know what she is. I know what is in her heart. I wish I could keep tabs and watch her grow.
I know that I have changed tremendously in the last 20 years. I changed the most in the last three years.
I came into my own. I don't care about what other's think. It's not important that you like me. I don't need anyone to "complete" me. I've done better than half of them ever could think of doing. In the end it doesn't matter does it?
I'm curious to see where the rest of this journey leads me. I'm open to new adventures. I want to meet someone very interesting. Someone who makes my heart beat; who blows me away spiritually and lovingly like the good doctor.
She is the coolest person I ever met; from her smooth sensual slow speech to eyes so piercing and all knowing that they seem to look directly through you. I could feel her gaze upon me. People are important to her. She listened very well; better than me, much better. She is the warmest most caring and loving person I ever met and it's not just because she is a physician; it's her heart! She just geniunely has a wonderful heart. I love her very much and think I always will. Her touch is gentle, her heart is pure. She heals by her touch; her arms wrapped around me she healed my dying heart. I was dying! You know when you are on the brink of death and I was. I'm better now for knowing her. I felt loved.
I feel soon the tide will turn and my life will change. There will be another in my life. She will be wary warm and caring. A treasure! It's on the way! Love is on the way!
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