Well, I don't know if I would wish being gay on anyone. Maybe its not even just being gay; maybe its just the falling in love thing I don't do well.
It seems I fall hard and fast and for the unattainable. Show me a compassionate loving heart and I'm gone, down for the count and in deep. I fall first and ask questions later it seems.
I wonder sometime if that is part of my defense mechanism, to fall for the unattainable.
Oh well, a little therapy goes a long way.
Usually I am perfectly fine with my life, and can handle not being in a relationship. Oh just tell my heart that!
I always use my head though; well, sooner or later I do. Last summer it felt like I got hit on the head by a ton of bricks. I loved her as soon as I met her. There was just something about her; a certain sweetness; a wonderful loving heart. She seemed a little sad, maybe a little unhappy. She was very compassionate. Before I knew it she was on my mind both day and night.
Actually she help set me on the right path in my life. She unknowingly made me realize I need to change some things in my life. My partner of fifteen years and I split up to move hopefully on to individual paths of spiritual growth. I feel bad about ending the relationship as it was, but thankfully we remain friends, good friends, and share mutual respect for one another.
Falling in love with the unattainable and then letting her know how I feel, sent me directing past go and right into therapy. I had fallen so fast and so deep and I let her know how I felt.
For years I played the straight life and loved best friends secretly. I learned a lot in therapy, however. It took three different therapist to tell me I do not owe my mother anything and that I have a tendency to love woman who are like my mother.
Don't get me wrong the years I did spend with my partner were good ones. I believe now that falling in love with this angel last summer, was God's way of telling me he wants me on a different path in life. Somehow I don't think you are buying that? But I believe it!
I"had" a tendency to lose sight of myself when I love someone - not anymore. Now, I play it safe - I think subconsciously I fall in love with the out-of-reach types so a relationship is impossible. And that to me is playing it safe!
If ever that miracle of love should happen and when I do love, when that mutual love thing happens; I want it to be very special. It will be truly from my heart to her heart. I want to believe in her, stand behind her and love her for what and who she is. I want to love her heart her good heart; and because shehas a good heart. Funny, I can't ever imagine her loving me in return?
But, there needs to be that strong connection - a heart connection. Like when in a crowd and she is suddenly gone from sight, and your heart doesn't rest until you find her and see her and make, however slight, reasuring eye contact. Or, when I mingle with the crowd and walk around, then watch to see if she looks for me, and she does; and when we find each other's eyes - its good; its comforting.
Its that special feeling in a special moment when words are not really spoken, but two hearts seem to gravitate together.
I'm not sorry I fell so hard for an unobtainable woman last summer; I am not sorry at all. In just a few minutes together she changed my life. She made me feel more loved than I had ever experiened before. I felt her heart when I was in her arms. She has a wonderful heart. I felt her love. She might have saved my life. I will never forget her and there will always be a tiny part of my heart that belongs to her. I think God sent her, that one, the unobtainable, so she could change my life.
God has a plan and I know that and it will all come together and I will be surprised and sit back in amazement when it all clicks and slowly whisper. "Well, I'll be damn."
Monday, May 30, 2005
Monday May 30, 2005
Today is Memorial Day and why do we celebrate Memorial Day? Jay Leno's streetwalkers might answer. "To mark the beginning of the Bar-B-Q Season". Other answers to the question may be: "We have Memorial Day so we know when we can start wearing white shoes." or "Tells us when the pools can open". Oh we all know why most of us have the day off from work and we celebrate Memorial Day to honor the verterans who fought in wars to keep our country free.
Well, I didn't attend any parades or hang a flag. I didn't forget and try to go to the Post Office or look for mail. But, I did take a moment to think about the soldiers who have died fighting for this country.
I thought about them as I granny cranked up a few steep hills on my bike ride this morning. I dedicated the calf muscle pain. And I thought about them when I sat down to the traditional Bar-B-Q Pork Steak meal. Why do they only sell pork steaks in the Midwest? I think it's a great cut of meat. But, I live here and I have it so I don't really care if other areas in the country do not have it. I'm sure if someone wants the pork steak cut some where else in this country the butcher will gladly cut it for them. The thought just crossed my mind as I consummed by second pork steak.
Which eventually lead me to another thought as I sat in another room of the house.
Why do they bother to make single sheet toilet paper. Don't they know we are just going to pull off a whole ten foot length to get our needs met? And don't you hate the people who buy it? Don't they get it? Just buy the regular two ply and use less of those little squares. And, I cannot give these people who buy the thin stuff a reasonable doubt because they have bought it for years. Are they afraid that the two ply will stop up the toilet? Did they actually have that problem in the past. I bet it was a tampon and not toilet paper. Some uninformed granddaughter probably flipped that one in the toilet.
Horror: Remember when they said you could actually flush tampons? A field day was granted for all plumbers; overtime hours covered their timesheets. They all bought new cars and added additions to the family and the house.
I have never thought about being a plumber, but I am beginning to. Talk about job security; every building has plumbing and the job cannot be shipped to India and done by John, Al, or Jim there. Of course, they can come here I guess and work for less and take your job away.
All this outsourcing that is going on is certainly amazing isn't it? I can remember way back when in Economics Class, Mr Phieffer said. "In order for a country to be prosperous it must export more than it imports in the way of manufacturing goods." Are we living in China? Have they changed the name of this country? Because everything that I certainly pick up in any store has stamped on it "made in China". Yes, even Walmart! Nothing, absolutely nothing says "Made in the United States" Man, when was the last time you saw that stamped on a label? Maybe at an estate sale? And what about this "right to work" state (like Texas) that we hear so much about? Just who is that meant for the Chinese or citizens of the United States of America? The "Right to Work" amazing! Does that mean the priviledge to work in fast food or low paying retail jobs? Because more and more jobs are being outsourced to other countries where they are willing to work for less (less than what companies are willing to pay US citizens), less than what we are willing to work for; Of course, any pay increase no matter how minimal is a step up for anyone living in an outsourced country. And yes, for those jobs that cannot be shipped and done overseas, well, we'll (with Mr. Bush's blessings) ship people from other countries, in groups, here to do the work for low pay. Oh, but no one here wants to work those jobs - well someday they just might not have a choice. Those low paying service jobs may be the only jobs available. Funny, I thought we were all in this together, looking out for ane another? You know big corporations providing jobs for American families. American people buying their own cars that they have helped to built and even manufacturing their own parts for the American cars. Those days are long gone - overseas my friend. Did you know? - No, I'm not going to get into what would happen if all of those countries, like Japan and yes, China, should decide to default on the loans they have for us. Gee I wonder what would happen to our economy then; or if they should decide just for one month not to ship any of the products they make for us back to us? Makes you wonder doesn't it! You know China has a lot of people and little room and each couple can only have one child - by law. Many like the idea of moving here to raise children - It's okay I write fiction!
Well, anyway, have a great Memorial Day. Yes, I think the pork was raised here in this country, but one can ever be too sure - oh no - mad pig disease!
Before I go, I must tell you about my Rottweiler dog named Emma. She is twelve years old now and in great shape; just getting a little gray around the muzzle. I feel compelled to brag about her because for one thing I did not train her; she came trained! How fortunate was that? My nephew who was keeping her at the time for a friend who had kept her for another friend, who had kept her for another friend thought that she was about six years old when I got her in 1998.
I do not know how much credit I should contribute to the dog's intelligence or how much credit I should give to the trainer's skill, whoever that was; but Emma (and I know I am bias) is the smartest dog I have ever seen.
Here is the best part: Normally when my patio door is closed and I have let her outside to do her business (yes, she does and her own and comes back when she is finished) she knocks on the patio door when she is ready to come back in - she is left footed by the way. I thought you might ask that question! And if I am busy and I do not come to the door to let her back in right away she lays down and patiently waits.
Okay, I agree that is not that unusal or outstanding; but, here is the part that amazes me. If the patio door is open and the sliding screen is closed (no, she doesn't open it herself) she knows that she is not to scratch the screen so she took it upon herself to learn to shake her head which jangles her tags and then I hear her. Yes, she did scratch at the screen several times last summer and I told her "do not scratch at the screen". She understood and remembered! She does not scratch at the screen - and nor should you if you ever get the opportunity.
Now, isn't that amazing! Here's another thing, if she is really eager to go for a ride in the car (I can't say that out loud - or I'll be going for a drive) she'll refuse her treat (I usually give her when after she comes back in [(no she doesn't go get the treats herself] from doing her business). I can put the treat up to her mouth and she will not take it, then she goes and sits by the door. Well, then it is usually a pretty sure thing that she will be coming with me; since this usually only happens about once a week, I figure after all that effort and understanding- plus I want to reinforce that behavior - she deserves to go for a ride. But, I found that I have to make the ride long enough for sure several miles or she will refuse to get out of the car when we return. Everyone in the neighbor knows her and says."Hi Emma!" when we go for a walk. I guess that I am chopped liver, because they never say hi to me only to her. I know "that's another show and another journal entry". Anyway, enough of me, back to Emma, I wish she could be around forever; she is getting up there in years for a large dog. I can only hope that her passing is painless and peaceful; maybe one day just go to sleep and not wake up. What a sad day that will be.
Well, I didn't attend any parades or hang a flag. I didn't forget and try to go to the Post Office or look for mail. But, I did take a moment to think about the soldiers who have died fighting for this country.
I thought about them as I granny cranked up a few steep hills on my bike ride this morning. I dedicated the calf muscle pain. And I thought about them when I sat down to the traditional Bar-B-Q Pork Steak meal. Why do they only sell pork steaks in the Midwest? I think it's a great cut of meat. But, I live here and I have it so I don't really care if other areas in the country do not have it. I'm sure if someone wants the pork steak cut some where else in this country the butcher will gladly cut it for them. The thought just crossed my mind as I consummed by second pork steak.
Which eventually lead me to another thought as I sat in another room of the house.
Why do they bother to make single sheet toilet paper. Don't they know we are just going to pull off a whole ten foot length to get our needs met? And don't you hate the people who buy it? Don't they get it? Just buy the regular two ply and use less of those little squares. And, I cannot give these people who buy the thin stuff a reasonable doubt because they have bought it for years. Are they afraid that the two ply will stop up the toilet? Did they actually have that problem in the past. I bet it was a tampon and not toilet paper. Some uninformed granddaughter probably flipped that one in the toilet.
Horror: Remember when they said you could actually flush tampons? A field day was granted for all plumbers; overtime hours covered their timesheets. They all bought new cars and added additions to the family and the house.
I have never thought about being a plumber, but I am beginning to. Talk about job security; every building has plumbing and the job cannot be shipped to India and done by John, Al, or Jim there. Of course, they can come here I guess and work for less and take your job away.
All this outsourcing that is going on is certainly amazing isn't it? I can remember way back when in Economics Class, Mr Phieffer said. "In order for a country to be prosperous it must export more than it imports in the way of manufacturing goods." Are we living in China? Have they changed the name of this country? Because everything that I certainly pick up in any store has stamped on it "made in China". Yes, even Walmart! Nothing, absolutely nothing says "Made in the United States" Man, when was the last time you saw that stamped on a label? Maybe at an estate sale? And what about this "right to work" state (like Texas) that we hear so much about? Just who is that meant for the Chinese or citizens of the United States of America? The "Right to Work" amazing! Does that mean the priviledge to work in fast food or low paying retail jobs? Because more and more jobs are being outsourced to other countries where they are willing to work for less (less than what companies are willing to pay US citizens), less than what we are willing to work for; Of course, any pay increase no matter how minimal is a step up for anyone living in an outsourced country. And yes, for those jobs that cannot be shipped and done overseas, well, we'll (with Mr. Bush's blessings) ship people from other countries, in groups, here to do the work for low pay. Oh, but no one here wants to work those jobs - well someday they just might not have a choice. Those low paying service jobs may be the only jobs available. Funny, I thought we were all in this together, looking out for ane another? You know big corporations providing jobs for American families. American people buying their own cars that they have helped to built and even manufacturing their own parts for the American cars. Those days are long gone - overseas my friend. Did you know? - No, I'm not going to get into what would happen if all of those countries, like Japan and yes, China, should decide to default on the loans they have for us. Gee I wonder what would happen to our economy then; or if they should decide just for one month not to ship any of the products they make for us back to us? Makes you wonder doesn't it! You know China has a lot of people and little room and each couple can only have one child - by law. Many like the idea of moving here to raise children - It's okay I write fiction!
Well, anyway, have a great Memorial Day. Yes, I think the pork was raised here in this country, but one can ever be too sure - oh no - mad pig disease!
Before I go, I must tell you about my Rottweiler dog named Emma. She is twelve years old now and in great shape; just getting a little gray around the muzzle. I feel compelled to brag about her because for one thing I did not train her; she came trained! How fortunate was that? My nephew who was keeping her at the time for a friend who had kept her for another friend, who had kept her for another friend thought that she was about six years old when I got her in 1998.
I do not know how much credit I should contribute to the dog's intelligence or how much credit I should give to the trainer's skill, whoever that was; but Emma (and I know I am bias) is the smartest dog I have ever seen.
Here is the best part: Normally when my patio door is closed and I have let her outside to do her business (yes, she does and her own and comes back when she is finished) she knocks on the patio door when she is ready to come back in - she is left footed by the way. I thought you might ask that question! And if I am busy and I do not come to the door to let her back in right away she lays down and patiently waits.
Okay, I agree that is not that unusal or outstanding; but, here is the part that amazes me. If the patio door is open and the sliding screen is closed (no, she doesn't open it herself) she knows that she is not to scratch the screen so she took it upon herself to learn to shake her head which jangles her tags and then I hear her. Yes, she did scratch at the screen several times last summer and I told her "do not scratch at the screen". She understood and remembered! She does not scratch at the screen - and nor should you if you ever get the opportunity.
Now, isn't that amazing! Here's another thing, if she is really eager to go for a ride in the car (I can't say that out loud - or I'll be going for a drive) she'll refuse her treat (I usually give her when after she comes back in [(no she doesn't go get the treats herself] from doing her business). I can put the treat up to her mouth and she will not take it, then she goes and sits by the door. Well, then it is usually a pretty sure thing that she will be coming with me; since this usually only happens about once a week, I figure after all that effort and understanding- plus I want to reinforce that behavior - she deserves to go for a ride. But, I found that I have to make the ride long enough for sure several miles or she will refuse to get out of the car when we return. Everyone in the neighbor knows her and says."Hi Emma!" when we go for a walk. I guess that I am chopped liver, because they never say hi to me only to her. I know "that's another show and another journal entry". Anyway, enough of me, back to Emma, I wish she could be around forever; she is getting up there in years for a large dog. I can only hope that her passing is painless and peaceful; maybe one day just go to sleep and not wake up. What a sad day that will be.
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