The women this evening at M's were talking about how early in their lives that they came out. It may me envious; I lead such a lonely longing life. Instead of enjoying a beautiful lovely girl, I ached. My heart ached all my life for what I knew I was missing.
And even when I was forty and did come out, I was not true to myself, I hooked up with the likes of my mother. She had the same personality as my mother, and not the least bit affectionate, I still ached. I was so slow to learn. I was so lost. Our relationship was never romantic or full of passtionate sex. Was I punishing myself for years of meaningless sex with men as trying to find my nich? I was allowing life to guide me instead of me guiding and controlling my life - no more
I am saddened that I am 58 and first coming into my own. Life has so many restrictions, if only we could love with our hearts as our hearts guide us. It's love for god sake, not murder!
Oops, I just got off this soap box; but it appears I'm right back on. Okay, here goes, but it true what I say. Between strict narrow minded hateful parents, the church and the government (especiallty the McCarthy era) homosexuals didn't stand a chance. We are god's creations and he makes no mistakes!
So, yes, I'm angry, but more sad for the years I wasted because I tried to make everyone else happy but myself - the family, church, and society. I buried my heart. My heart hurts.
But, you know, god, the universe, my spirit guides who have helped me so much recently and I know I am to meet someone very special in the next three months and sad memories willl be forgotten. I am a very loving, giving person. I love to love, so I know that the spirit world, the universe, Ramtha, Ezekiel, and god are on my side. She will be like me (to sum it up) and we will be very compatible in loving, showing affection, nurturing, caring, creative and athletic ways. She will be beautiful, feminine, slendar, generous with her heart, non-complaining, baggageless, no hang-ups, non-smoking, wise, healthy, self-sufficent and not needy. We will think alike, love alike, be maddy in love. We will cherish each other and respect each other. We will laugh and love a lot!
My spirit guides and others please send her my way for sure and soon.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Yes, we are doing it for oil!
I love Chris Mathews and Hardball comments regarding the reason we went to war. It all boils down to - oil. Not democracy for those people of Middle East countries. When aren't we in Arwanda then and many other countries where genocide is going on today and millions of people are being killed? Admit it fellows it's for the oil! Just host stupid to they think the American people are? People of today are educated thinking people. The American Government and the American oil and auto industries are so far behind the times in their thinking that it makes me wonder? Why the war? Why 9/11? We were warned? Are that that merely poor timing in part of the strategy to pull one over on the American People the policitians always say we are in favor of?
And standing behind your president in the time of war was drilled and drilled into the American public. Oh, they did the numbers and know how many vets are out there. In the past when we were attacked that might have worked. Although I have doubts now about the truth behind the planning of the attach on Pearl Harbor. Were we part of the plan then too, so we could get drawn us into the war to help England? People (Kennedy's probably Bush ancesters too) make money during the time of war. There had to be a plan to get the American pumped up to stand behind the government in the time of war. The keyword in this scenerio is "attach".
Say what you will about my theory, but there are planners in government thinking of ways all the time to manipulate people to get them excited and involved. It's like advertising. In other words they bullshit you into getting what they want done. Democracy, bullshit, its for the oil!
This backward country should have been planning for years to work around our dependency on oil. That we are so depended on the Middle East to the point where we have to go to war with them is absurd.
Bush says American needs to break their addiction to oil. The man is a little late don't you think. See, it's all planned out; he says it now, the year, before going out of office.
Why doesn't Bush talk to the American auto makers and the American people about NOT demanding huge killing machines that not only guzzle up gas, but put other people in smaller vehicles in serious danger. If you car is hit by one of the road monsters you are dead or crippled for life.
Such bullshit! Smaller standards and advertising for non-industry and recreational vehicles should have been encouraged and set years ago. It's all bush shit!
Will they got Samuel Alito in office too, so we'll take 400 steps backwards and more people will lose freedoms. What a women does with her body is none of there damn business. I'm sure if men had the babies, abortion would have been legalized centuries ago. Men want to rule and control other people; nothing more, nothing less.
Just what do you think organized religion is all about? It's bullshit! I'm beginning to like George Carlin, the comedian who makes a lot of sense, more and more. I think comedian provide a wonderful service; they get away with telling us the truth, they slid it in within a joke and soon you perk your ears and say. "You know it actually makes sense, what he says."
With all this stuff about oil, doesn't it make you wonder if the Middle East as us over a barrel? They could be backmailing us into doing their dirty work. Just what is the hold and why is the Bush family so "in bed" with the Sardi's. Just wondering. I'm a peon, I know nothing, just wondering.
Soon the women will come along and clean up the messes the men are making. So says an article in last Sunday's paper. Many countries all over the world have elected women in very high positions. Many women from even countries that are fighting each other are coming together to talk to each other and make peace for the sake of rasing their children. Men love to fight, don't kid yourself; it's in the testesterone that flows in their blood. When women get pissed at one another they merely choose not to speak to each other; or they do talk it out.
There is no need for war or shall I say, legalized murder! It's bullshit! Solders want to use their guns. God, piety the poor guy or gal who joined the service to make a career with good benefits.
Well, I'm done complaining or spouting off for one night...sleep well!
And standing behind your president in the time of war was drilled and drilled into the American public. Oh, they did the numbers and know how many vets are out there. In the past when we were attacked that might have worked. Although I have doubts now about the truth behind the planning of the attach on Pearl Harbor. Were we part of the plan then too, so we could get drawn us into the war to help England? People (Kennedy's probably Bush ancesters too) make money during the time of war. There had to be a plan to get the American pumped up to stand behind the government in the time of war. The keyword in this scenerio is "attach".
Say what you will about my theory, but there are planners in government thinking of ways all the time to manipulate people to get them excited and involved. It's like advertising. In other words they bullshit you into getting what they want done. Democracy, bullshit, its for the oil!
This backward country should have been planning for years to work around our dependency on oil. That we are so depended on the Middle East to the point where we have to go to war with them is absurd.
Bush says American needs to break their addiction to oil. The man is a little late don't you think. See, it's all planned out; he says it now, the year, before going out of office.
Why doesn't Bush talk to the American auto makers and the American people about NOT demanding huge killing machines that not only guzzle up gas, but put other people in smaller vehicles in serious danger. If you car is hit by one of the road monsters you are dead or crippled for life.
Such bullshit! Smaller standards and advertising for non-industry and recreational vehicles should have been encouraged and set years ago. It's all bush shit!
Will they got Samuel Alito in office too, so we'll take 400 steps backwards and more people will lose freedoms. What a women does with her body is none of there damn business. I'm sure if men had the babies, abortion would have been legalized centuries ago. Men want to rule and control other people; nothing more, nothing less.
Just what do you think organized religion is all about? It's bullshit! I'm beginning to like George Carlin, the comedian who makes a lot of sense, more and more. I think comedian provide a wonderful service; they get away with telling us the truth, they slid it in within a joke and soon you perk your ears and say. "You know it actually makes sense, what he says."
With all this stuff about oil, doesn't it make you wonder if the Middle East as us over a barrel? They could be backmailing us into doing their dirty work. Just what is the hold and why is the Bush family so "in bed" with the Sardi's. Just wondering. I'm a peon, I know nothing, just wondering.
Soon the women will come along and clean up the messes the men are making. So says an article in last Sunday's paper. Many countries all over the world have elected women in very high positions. Many women from even countries that are fighting each other are coming together to talk to each other and make peace for the sake of rasing their children. Men love to fight, don't kid yourself; it's in the testesterone that flows in their blood. When women get pissed at one another they merely choose not to speak to each other; or they do talk it out.
There is no need for war or shall I say, legalized murder! It's bullshit! Solders want to use their guns. God, piety the poor guy or gal who joined the service to make a career with good benefits.
Well, I'm done complaining or spouting off for one night...sleep well!
I love life - finally!
What a beautiful today! I ran nine miles, barely; I was dragging ass. I need to knock off five pounds at least. I got to get my groove back, but I just ate this luscious croissant pastry thing at the bread shop where I am stealing electricity and borrowing internet access. I love it! I'm a people watcher. Funny, how people just want to be out with people even if they are not talking to other people. Anyway, I do.
I love my life! I hope my summer love, loves her life too! I hope she is happy! Today in the park I broken footed Charles. He has the coolest cast on his foot, complete with air pump. We chatted. He broke it in ballet class after five years on the day he decided would be his last. He decided then broke his foot. His gas pedal foot. He managed to drive home through the park, running stop signs at 2:00 AM, after he left the emergency room. Today he was riding his bicycle through the park. He's going square dancing tonight :) Just kidding, about the square dancing. We chatted for a while; it was great to see him.
Damn, it's 5:00 PM already. I am having a great time people watching at Bread Co., it's so amazing how the noise doesn't bother me when I am writing here, in fact, it makes it easier to sort my thoughts. When I am at home and trying to write my mind goes in all directions. I guess I see too many things I could be doing.
I am looking at the most beautiful move star looks blonde sitting across from me. Gorgeous! I am such appreciation for beautiful art! God's work at best! I wonder if I could wear my hair like that when it gets that long! Yeah right, and I'll look just like her! Still, what a beauty! Pretty wedding rings too; they look new! She looks rich!
I haven't heard anything back from the women I emailed via DailyOM. I sort of poured my guts. I thought maybe sprewing would help liked minded spirits.
Funny, how I feet my life as just began when I moved here this past summer. I am a free spirit fluttering about the universe flying below radar. My friends are my family. I free so free I can't tell you.
You know that I can't commit. I canceled my last guitar lesson of the series. She can keep the money. I was feeling pressured. I already knew my style of playing and the songs I wanted to sing and play. I'll work on them. I did learn a few things though. She was very helpful. I thought I would quite now before we bonded and it would get harder to quit. I like her. She has a partner. I just liked her as a person. She has soulfulness.
Well, as much fun as I am having, I guess I better get home and walk Emma, take a shower, and go to M's and have more fun! This would be a perfect evening for you to be there. I wish you would be. Sometimes I can do with E; but then I wouldn't want someone to be saying that about me! Would you?
Got to go! I love you! I wish I could do two things this evening at the same time. Play my guitar, watch butt head bush make an even bigger ass of himself. At 29% popularity he should fold completely. I want to set up my moxi to records him. I'll probably need a good laugh later on this evening. It's all threatrics at best!
I love life! Finally!
I love my life! I hope my summer love, loves her life too! I hope she is happy! Today in the park I broken footed Charles. He has the coolest cast on his foot, complete with air pump. We chatted. He broke it in ballet class after five years on the day he decided would be his last. He decided then broke his foot. His gas pedal foot. He managed to drive home through the park, running stop signs at 2:00 AM, after he left the emergency room. Today he was riding his bicycle through the park. He's going square dancing tonight :) Just kidding, about the square dancing. We chatted for a while; it was great to see him.
Damn, it's 5:00 PM already. I am having a great time people watching at Bread Co., it's so amazing how the noise doesn't bother me when I am writing here, in fact, it makes it easier to sort my thoughts. When I am at home and trying to write my mind goes in all directions. I guess I see too many things I could be doing.
I am looking at the most beautiful move star looks blonde sitting across from me. Gorgeous! I am such appreciation for beautiful art! God's work at best! I wonder if I could wear my hair like that when it gets that long! Yeah right, and I'll look just like her! Still, what a beauty! Pretty wedding rings too; they look new! She looks rich!
I haven't heard anything back from the women I emailed via DailyOM. I sort of poured my guts. I thought maybe sprewing would help liked minded spirits.
Funny, how I feet my life as just began when I moved here this past summer. I am a free spirit fluttering about the universe flying below radar. My friends are my family. I free so free I can't tell you.
You know that I can't commit. I canceled my last guitar lesson of the series. She can keep the money. I was feeling pressured. I already knew my style of playing and the songs I wanted to sing and play. I'll work on them. I did learn a few things though. She was very helpful. I thought I would quite now before we bonded and it would get harder to quit. I like her. She has a partner. I just liked her as a person. She has soulfulness.
Well, as much fun as I am having, I guess I better get home and walk Emma, take a shower, and go to M's and have more fun! This would be a perfect evening for you to be there. I wish you would be. Sometimes I can do with E; but then I wouldn't want someone to be saying that about me! Would you?
Got to go! I love you! I wish I could do two things this evening at the same time. Play my guitar, watch butt head bush make an even bigger ass of himself. At 29% popularity he should fold completely. I want to set up my moxi to records him. I'll probably need a good laugh later on this evening. It's all threatrics at best!
I love life! Finally!
The Touch of a Woman!
Since I outed myself on the DailyOM site I have gotten a couple of interesting emails. Yes, there are profiles that are filled out and the ability to email one another and site for discussion.
She emailed me and said she was bi, said she chose to live the straight life was married and had four kids.
I wanted her to tell me more. I asked her what her sign was. I said the Libra daily OM nailed me about every day. I knew there was more to tell. Maybe she needed to talk. I responded saying. "It sounds like you have a lovely family and nothing is missing."
She said she was Leo and that her horoscope wasn't right on. She said her husband was Libra. She said sometimes I miss the touch of a woman! Profound! I knew it! So sad! I heart went out to her. I can relate!
"Interesting and sweet" I came back with and told her more about myself. About how family, society and the church made me live the straight life, well as much as I could. I longed for a romantic relationship with a woman. I had crushes on my women friends. They never knew! I lived the straight life until I was about forty. I couldn't do it any more - live a lie that is.
I then lived with my partner for fifteen years. There were some good times but there was no affectionate sex; no passion. I was in neutral I guess and depressed.
Finally, the universe decided to wake me up and move me onward. I fell over heels in love with a doctor in 9/04. I fell as if I was hit by a ton of bricks I was so far gone. She was sweet, adorable, laid back, compassionate and seemed a little sad to me. She touched my heart. I thought about her 2 4/7. She was the last thought of the day and the first in the morning. I daydreamed about her all the time. Funny, most of my life had been full of daydreams until recently.
Of course, nothing came of it, but she did love me, I felt it. She saved my life. She held me! She saved my life.
My x left, six months later I fell in love again. I made love to her. I died and went to heaven. I was given the gift of a second chance. She was adorable. I think about her but the ache in my heart is gone. She is gone!
I'm ready to love again. I miss the touch of a woman!
She emailed me and said she was bi, said she chose to live the straight life was married and had four kids.
I wanted her to tell me more. I asked her what her sign was. I said the Libra daily OM nailed me about every day. I knew there was more to tell. Maybe she needed to talk. I responded saying. "It sounds like you have a lovely family and nothing is missing."
She said she was Leo and that her horoscope wasn't right on. She said her husband was Libra. She said sometimes I miss the touch of a woman! Profound! I knew it! So sad! I heart went out to her. I can relate!
"Interesting and sweet" I came back with and told her more about myself. About how family, society and the church made me live the straight life, well as much as I could. I longed for a romantic relationship with a woman. I had crushes on my women friends. They never knew! I lived the straight life until I was about forty. I couldn't do it any more - live a lie that is.
I then lived with my partner for fifteen years. There were some good times but there was no affectionate sex; no passion. I was in neutral I guess and depressed.
Finally, the universe decided to wake me up and move me onward. I fell over heels in love with a doctor in 9/04. I fell as if I was hit by a ton of bricks I was so far gone. She was sweet, adorable, laid back, compassionate and seemed a little sad to me. She touched my heart. I thought about her 2 4/7. She was the last thought of the day and the first in the morning. I daydreamed about her all the time. Funny, most of my life had been full of daydreams until recently.
Of course, nothing came of it, but she did love me, I felt it. She saved my life. She held me! She saved my life.
My x left, six months later I fell in love again. I made love to her. I died and went to heaven. I was given the gift of a second chance. She was adorable. I think about her but the ache in my heart is gone. She is gone!
I'm ready to love again. I miss the touch of a woman!
Monday, January 30, 2006
DailyOM
I joined a spirituality site and in my profile I stated I was a lesbian. Something just told me to do it. I'll blame it on my spirit guides. Well, too, I figured it would be safe at a spiritual site. I thought people who were spiritual would be more open minded; besides I didn't want any men hitting on me. I know, I know, but sometimes it happens, even to me.
Speaking of which, I think the L-Word should add in some hetero flirting. I mean after all, these women are very feminine, well most of them, and beauty does turn heads.
Yeah, summer love, you just popped into my head again; not my heart, you never really left that locale.
Anyway, today on the DailyOM site, a 38 yr old woman, wrote me telling me she was bisexual, but married with four children by choice. She made her choice. If you wish to raise children its a good way to go. I only wondered what she was leaving out. She didn't say happily married.
I responsed by saying. "It sounds like you have a very lovely family and nothing is missing in your life." You know me, I'm going to plant a thought, a seed.
You see, it's that "something is missing feeling" that gnaws at your gut. I had it. When I had my summer love - nothing was missing. It was wonderful to be able to hold her and be loving to her. She was precious to me. Just adorable! I loved loving her.
Speaking of which, I think the L-Word should add in some hetero flirting. I mean after all, these women are very feminine, well most of them, and beauty does turn heads.
Yeah, summer love, you just popped into my head again; not my heart, you never really left that locale.
Anyway, today on the DailyOM site, a 38 yr old woman, wrote me telling me she was bisexual, but married with four children by choice. She made her choice. If you wish to raise children its a good way to go. I only wondered what she was leaving out. She didn't say happily married.
I responsed by saying. "It sounds like you have a very lovely family and nothing is missing in your life." You know me, I'm going to plant a thought, a seed.
You see, it's that "something is missing feeling" that gnaws at your gut. I had it. When I had my summer love - nothing was missing. It was wonderful to be able to hold her and be loving to her. She was precious to me. Just adorable! I loved loving her.
Well, I guess I could be reading!
To think I almost didn't go; but something was drawing me in, pulling me there. I made two U-turns. I changed my mind twice and ended up going to the viewing of "What the Bleep Do We Know" anyway. I am so glad that I did.
Pat has a great house up a steep drive with enough land for house two horses. Spirit, native American, and collections of Southwest decor adorn the cozy setting. A crystal bowl to clear your thoughts of which I have never experienced before. I see a good friend here. She is quit talented I believe but very modest with expressions of grief, pain and inner agony on her face which distracts from her outward intellectual appearance.
We discussed the movie after the viewing. There were people there from all levels of spirituality; and in my thinking, this makes the meetings so much more intriging. We learn from each other! I plant food for thought!
If only people would look at the big picture. Just as J.Z. Knight says in the movie; how can we, any of us, simple humans, affend this huge almight being, god. There is no hell like organized religions preach. If there is a hell it's here on earth..
We can create our own hell, if we so choose. I choose not to. Religions preach heaven versus hell in their black and white theories. In my own opinion I see only controlling and manipulation as purpose.
Pat has a great house up a steep drive with enough land for house two horses. Spirit, native American, and collections of Southwest decor adorn the cozy setting. A crystal bowl to clear your thoughts of which I have never experienced before. I see a good friend here. She is quit talented I believe but very modest with expressions of grief, pain and inner agony on her face which distracts from her outward intellectual appearance.
We discussed the movie after the viewing. There were people there from all levels of spirituality; and in my thinking, this makes the meetings so much more intriging. We learn from each other! I plant food for thought!
If only people would look at the big picture. Just as J.Z. Knight says in the movie; how can we, any of us, simple humans, affend this huge almight being, god. There is no hell like organized religions preach. If there is a hell it's here on earth..
We can create our own hell, if we so choose. I choose not to. Religions preach heaven versus hell in their black and white theories. In my own opinion I see only controlling and manipulation as purpose.
Life is Grand
During the past year I have met some pretty incredible people through the two groups that I belong too, and mini groups have formed and split off from them.
I am most fortunate to have so many friends and I know it. Once more, I am learning so much about people while enjoying tremendous experiences.
My life is filled with friends, yoga, dance lessons, guitar lessons, future band member possibly, writing classes, spirituality classes, running, bicycling and kayaking. And I wouldn't mind getting into swimming; I guess I just need to get my suit on and take the plunge.
Kayaking won't be the same without you. I am thinking about you. Just yesterday I was thinking about you and how sometimes you remind me of me way-back-when. Of course, I'm sure the scenerio is not the same, but sometimes, you just remind me of myself. Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.
I'm praying for all of my many friends and my very special ones too. God, spirit guides, the universe, Ramtha, Ezekiel please keep everyone safe, free of pain and injury and any suffering; me too! I offer graditude for my many blessings and special favors. I know the power lies within each and every one of us; it merely needs to be cultivated and harvested.
All the poeple I am meeting makes me want to meet more of them. The time since June 30th '05 and even before that I just flown by. What a fabulous group of people I am honored and privledged to know. Now, here is why; because I am hear to learn and they will teach me and I will teach them a few things, perhaps too.
I life has taken a one-eighty in body, mind and spirit and I'm letting my hair grow (which really has nothing to do with this except an example of growth :).
I have so many things that I want to do, read, play, sing, write and learn. Oh to be free in my mind, body and spirit. Oh please allow the trend to continue.
Also, please protect the internet naked but oh so innocent and lovely young woman; and my summer loves. Please somewhere in their hearts let them know I care very much about them.
Life is Grand!
I am most fortunate to have so many friends and I know it. Once more, I am learning so much about people while enjoying tremendous experiences.
My life is filled with friends, yoga, dance lessons, guitar lessons, future band member possibly, writing classes, spirituality classes, running, bicycling and kayaking. And I wouldn't mind getting into swimming; I guess I just need to get my suit on and take the plunge.
Kayaking won't be the same without you. I am thinking about you. Just yesterday I was thinking about you and how sometimes you remind me of me way-back-when. Of course, I'm sure the scenerio is not the same, but sometimes, you just remind me of myself. Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.
I'm praying for all of my many friends and my very special ones too. God, spirit guides, the universe, Ramtha, Ezekiel please keep everyone safe, free of pain and injury and any suffering; me too! I offer graditude for my many blessings and special favors. I know the power lies within each and every one of us; it merely needs to be cultivated and harvested.
All the poeple I am meeting makes me want to meet more of them. The time since June 30th '05 and even before that I just flown by. What a fabulous group of people I am honored and privledged to know. Now, here is why; because I am hear to learn and they will teach me and I will teach them a few things, perhaps too.
I life has taken a one-eighty in body, mind and spirit and I'm letting my hair grow (which really has nothing to do with this except an example of growth :).
I have so many things that I want to do, read, play, sing, write and learn. Oh to be free in my mind, body and spirit. Oh please allow the trend to continue.
Also, please protect the internet naked but oh so innocent and lovely young woman; and my summer loves. Please somewhere in their hearts let them know I care very much about them.
Life is Grand!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
I am having a blast!
Nothing like sticking myself right out there. From spirituality group to forming a band in one day...go Pat go! Yes, I spoke right up as soon as I saw the email and I volunteered to try out for the band. Actually, It's been a secret life long dream. I have fun when I sing, play guitar and piano..all just a little. I have some great ideas too. Here is what I am up against years ago Pat was offered full scholarship for Julliard, Yes! This is going to be so cool if I quality. Hopefully, it will compare to BandTogether where all levels are excepted. I could learn a lot! Actually, I think the band should be a versible as Fleetwood Mac by this I mean, use the tatents of all the members when it comes to singing and playing. Pat could write our arrangements. So cool! Here's my suggestion: My versible I mean groups within a group. We all interplay, take turns signing and sing and play every style and category of music that exits. We reach out to everyone who is listening. We sing and play songs that are familiar to the public. Personally, I like the old standards, like Bette Miller, Rod Steward and so many are re-doing....we need this locally I feel.
Well, I'll just let it all flow and see what happens and that is what I did today. I also had myself talked out of going to the spirituality gathering at Pat's house today. She has a cool house in a wooded area with two horses and two rottweilers. I think she is more talented, spirited, more powerful then what she thinks, of course we all are. I spoke well in the group and was not nervous at all. I know why I was confident; I had something I wanted to say. People need to know that they are powerful. We can create our own environment and not the environment create us. We must take charge of our lives and that begins with our innter most thoughts.
See, I knew there was something special about Pat! She is astrologically spiritually inclined. When I met her again at M's and she strated this spirituality group I recieved good vibes; I mean as a friend I can learn alot from not has a girlfriend. One thing more, I have over come my shyness associated with group speaking. Yes, I chim right in there with the brightess and I have something to say. My X did stifled me; I think neither one of us realized it at the time. My spirit guides helped me. It was meant for me to break out and find my way and I am having a blast doing it.
Well, I'll just let it all flow and see what happens and that is what I did today. I also had myself talked out of going to the spirituality gathering at Pat's house today. She has a cool house in a wooded area with two horses and two rottweilers. I think she is more talented, spirited, more powerful then what she thinks, of course we all are. I spoke well in the group and was not nervous at all. I know why I was confident; I had something I wanted to say. People need to know that they are powerful. We can create our own environment and not the environment create us. We must take charge of our lives and that begins with our innter most thoughts.
See, I knew there was something special about Pat! She is astrologically spiritually inclined. When I met her again at M's and she strated this spirituality group I recieved good vibes; I mean as a friend I can learn alot from not has a girlfriend. One thing more, I have over come my shyness associated with group speaking. Yes, I chim right in there with the brightess and I have something to say. My X did stifled me; I think neither one of us realized it at the time. My spirit guides helped me. It was meant for me to break out and find my way and I am having a blast doing it.
There's No Place Like Home!
Whew! The bar scene is that ever something else! Smoking! Ugh! Weird People - there are many! One thinks they have to try to out do the other in weirdness! About once a year is fun enough!
However, my friends are a blast! The most happy is the one who is already with someone. The other two looking and sad. Me, this is old hat to me, I've been there so many times I've learned the virtue of patience! It's sad though for someone looking and can't find anyone. I figure if it doesn't happen it just isn't meant to be.
So far I still have my friends and I've ditched the family, so I'm still ahead in the game. I'm happy! Emma and I, we are happy!
Later this morning I'll walk with my friend L, if its not raining and then have lunch where she is house and pet sitting. After that I can go by this person's house who is showing "What the Bleep" and then discuss it. There should be about twenty people there. I'll decide on that later!
My hair is still damp, but I can't keep my eyes open. I striped and showered when I got home; had to, the smoke is dreadful.
I hope, my summer love, that you are doing okay. I miss you at times, like tonight. Sure, at times I'm lonely just like everyone else. You were truly a gift. I hope all is going well for you.
All the same social people were out. I don't fit in; like you I can't do the bar scene or body shots are any of that shallow stuff. It's just too impersonal and weird. The same dang woman was salivating this evening when she saw me; last week she wanted to body shoot me. It's not really fun out there.
Can't keep my eyes open any longer....I'll dream about you. Take care of yourself. Libras attach for keeps; I believe it's called imprinting, only you weren't the first thing I saw, but the first one I felt soulfully connected too.
However, my friends are a blast! The most happy is the one who is already with someone. The other two looking and sad. Me, this is old hat to me, I've been there so many times I've learned the virtue of patience! It's sad though for someone looking and can't find anyone. I figure if it doesn't happen it just isn't meant to be.
So far I still have my friends and I've ditched the family, so I'm still ahead in the game. I'm happy! Emma and I, we are happy!
Later this morning I'll walk with my friend L, if its not raining and then have lunch where she is house and pet sitting. After that I can go by this person's house who is showing "What the Bleep" and then discuss it. There should be about twenty people there. I'll decide on that later!
My hair is still damp, but I can't keep my eyes open. I striped and showered when I got home; had to, the smoke is dreadful.
I hope, my summer love, that you are doing okay. I miss you at times, like tonight. Sure, at times I'm lonely just like everyone else. You were truly a gift. I hope all is going well for you.
All the same social people were out. I don't fit in; like you I can't do the bar scene or body shots are any of that shallow stuff. It's just too impersonal and weird. The same dang woman was salivating this evening when she saw me; last week she wanted to body shoot me. It's not really fun out there.
Can't keep my eyes open any longer....I'll dream about you. Take care of yourself. Libras attach for keeps; I believe it's called imprinting, only you weren't the first thing I saw, but the first one I felt soulfully connected too.
Friday, January 27, 2006
In Three or Four Months
I put Faith behind the tarot cards and got a direct hit! My new love with come in three or four months. There is a list floating around in my head of the wonderful qualities she will bring forth with her. First of all she will be feminine, sexy and most affectionate laying her hands on me, touching my face, my hair. Kissing my cheek, forehead. Her heart will be warm and giving. Our souls will be connected. We'll giggle and laugh and be as I unselfishly.
We may not be together all the time, but free to call and chat anytime; without guilt or pressures. When we are together the time will be warm and giving and wonderful.
She will be young, youthful, smiling, have soft eyes, longer warm hair, be slendar, feminine, happy, loving and giving and very much in love with me.
Hey, it's my plain, my dream; why not? I have only to think it to make it so.
Maybe I'll wish it to be even sooner.
Faith, said in the interim, I am supposed to be working on my self-confidence...so I'm trying to lose the seven pounds I have been trying to lose since last spring before my summer love.
I am hosting poker this evening, so better get things straightened up, play my guitar, do laundry, vacuum. Everybody is dieting and that makes things so much easier. They just bring what they want to snack on. First I'll vacumm and do yoga.
It's a beautiful sunny day, why am in inside? Because I ran six miles around the park yesterday; and after I ate and took a hand full of vitamins. My gut was sick all the way up until seven last evening. I didn't know if I was going to make it to dancing lessons are not.
This might have been my last week for dancing lessons. I learned how to do the swing and that is the one dance I wanted to learn how to lead.
You know me, I can't commit very long to anything.
I'm also considering dropping the guitar lessons, a little too steep for me and besides, I think I can figure out some of what I want to know anyway. I think. I have alread and I can download music from online.
Well, got to get going. Emma wants me to pet her; she has her head on my lap. She's a mess!
We may not be together all the time, but free to call and chat anytime; without guilt or pressures. When we are together the time will be warm and giving and wonderful.
She will be young, youthful, smiling, have soft eyes, longer warm hair, be slendar, feminine, happy, loving and giving and very much in love with me.
Hey, it's my plain, my dream; why not? I have only to think it to make it so.
Maybe I'll wish it to be even sooner.
Faith, said in the interim, I am supposed to be working on my self-confidence...so I'm trying to lose the seven pounds I have been trying to lose since last spring before my summer love.
I am hosting poker this evening, so better get things straightened up, play my guitar, do laundry, vacuum. Everybody is dieting and that makes things so much easier. They just bring what they want to snack on. First I'll vacumm and do yoga.
It's a beautiful sunny day, why am in inside? Because I ran six miles around the park yesterday; and after I ate and took a hand full of vitamins. My gut was sick all the way up until seven last evening. I didn't know if I was going to make it to dancing lessons are not.
This might have been my last week for dancing lessons. I learned how to do the swing and that is the one dance I wanted to learn how to lead.
You know me, I can't commit very long to anything.
I'm also considering dropping the guitar lessons, a little too steep for me and besides, I think I can figure out some of what I want to know anyway. I think. I have alread and I can download music from online.
Well, got to get going. Emma wants me to pet her; she has her head on my lap. She's a mess!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Hopeless
I have a straight man hitting on me in my yoga class. Twice now he has invited me to place my mat next to his; he even moved to my side of the room. I said. "No." followed by various excuses but he continues. I was a little put out; it's been my luck it seems to have the wrong people interested in me that leave me cold, turned off, and even to the point of feeling a little angry.
Later, I asked the instructor a question. She came over and knelt next to me touching my knee and I felt my heart melt. Wow, what a difference. Just a difference but oh what a difference. I am truly a lesbian and she is straight and engaged. I want to make love again to someone who truly moves me. I hope it's not too late. I want to be hopelessly in love with a women and soon. The tarot cards say in three to four months I will fine love start now by making a list of the qualities to want her to have.
Joel Schumacker, director, said something very profound. In this security, the only ones not difined as "different" are white straight males! Everyone else is defined: She's a black female judge. She a lesbian comedian. He's a gay politician. He's the first black sheriff, etc., get my drift? So, if you are not a white straight male, which is the standard, the benchmark, the epidomy of humanness, then you are identified and that just shouldn't be. Ask yourself if god would do that?
Later, I asked the instructor a question. She came over and knelt next to me touching my knee and I felt my heart melt. Wow, what a difference. Just a difference but oh what a difference. I am truly a lesbian and she is straight and engaged. I want to make love again to someone who truly moves me. I hope it's not too late. I want to be hopelessly in love with a women and soon. The tarot cards say in three to four months I will fine love start now by making a list of the qualities to want her to have.
Joel Schumacker, director, said something very profound. In this security, the only ones not difined as "different" are white straight males! Everyone else is defined: She's a black female judge. She a lesbian comedian. He's a gay politician. He's the first black sheriff, etc., get my drift? So, if you are not a white straight male, which is the standard, the benchmark, the epidomy of humanness, then you are identified and that just shouldn't be. Ask yourself if god would do that?
Not a Good Idea
Talking a handful of vitamins before going on a six miles run is not a good idea. My stomach was upset the whole run around the park. I had also taken a GU pack and when I got to the park a Accel Gel pack. So, I was filled with vitaments, carbs, a little protein and caffeine. But sick to my stomach.
I made a stop on the way home and had to leave because I was salivating; but I didn't get sick. Well, I won't do that again. But, I got up late, and after walking Emma, I was hungry, yeah, I ate some graps, blackberries, and who knows what else too before I ran. Not a good idea.
I would just like to stay home and chill, my stomach is still upset. I have a dance lesson at eight.
I'm also reconsidering my guitar lessons. You see, I have learned by notes with books that progress. Seems, these days people don't want to take the time to learn notes and want to learn by tabulation! TAB! Well, Maybe if I tried another song? Layla, is a little tough with the TAB she printed out on a faded ink piece of paper with no words, no notes, no chords, no measures. So, TABs for this song is difficult for me. She said the papers she gave me is fillers for the sheet music that I bought? I'll keep trying maybe something will click by Tuesday; maybe not. I just wanted to learn a few campfire songs and I have them already. I just need to keep practicing them and build callouses on my finger tips.
Oh my stomach! I'll never do that again! I'm real temped to stay home. But, I do like leading dancing the swing. It's fun. Cha Cha etc., I could probably do without.
Not doing good! Well, I would say that I have a commitment problem and I do but in this case...I think maybe I can learn what I want to learn on my own perhaps when it comes to the guitar.
I understand now that the chords are in octave like the piano is. I understand how to use a capo. Tuning - well, I'll never get that! Never say never! I'll get it in time. I'll use the piano that will make tuning a lot easier.
Sometimes I just think I have to have every moment filled so I can tell people how busy I am; and I know that is not necessary. I don't have to proud anything to anyone. This is my time; and I have earned it, even if I wish to sleep all day.
Well, I have to walk Emma, before I leave. I guess I tried to make it to the dance lessons. I doubt is K will be there but it would be nice,
Once in a while I miss you my summer love, especially when it comes to body shots and shit like that. I know you and I feel the same way - No. I'm more of a one on one person. And now that I know how they are, I won't go to the cabin fixer upper thing either. Oh, and I beginning to get stares from certain members like they are interested.
I'll write another entry about the the guy at yoga flirting with me... I'm about to yell I'm a lesbian, but then all the women would probably vote me out of the class - it's a tough life to live ..... I sure miss you and what I had in my head of what we had together.... I love you!
I made a stop on the way home and had to leave because I was salivating; but I didn't get sick. Well, I won't do that again. But, I got up late, and after walking Emma, I was hungry, yeah, I ate some graps, blackberries, and who knows what else too before I ran. Not a good idea.
I would just like to stay home and chill, my stomach is still upset. I have a dance lesson at eight.
I'm also reconsidering my guitar lessons. You see, I have learned by notes with books that progress. Seems, these days people don't want to take the time to learn notes and want to learn by tabulation! TAB! Well, Maybe if I tried another song? Layla, is a little tough with the TAB she printed out on a faded ink piece of paper with no words, no notes, no chords, no measures. So, TABs for this song is difficult for me. She said the papers she gave me is fillers for the sheet music that I bought? I'll keep trying maybe something will click by Tuesday; maybe not. I just wanted to learn a few campfire songs and I have them already. I just need to keep practicing them and build callouses on my finger tips.
Oh my stomach! I'll never do that again! I'm real temped to stay home. But, I do like leading dancing the swing. It's fun. Cha Cha etc., I could probably do without.
Not doing good! Well, I would say that I have a commitment problem and I do but in this case...I think maybe I can learn what I want to learn on my own perhaps when it comes to the guitar.
I understand now that the chords are in octave like the piano is. I understand how to use a capo. Tuning - well, I'll never get that! Never say never! I'll get it in time. I'll use the piano that will make tuning a lot easier.
Sometimes I just think I have to have every moment filled so I can tell people how busy I am; and I know that is not necessary. I don't have to proud anything to anyone. This is my time; and I have earned it, even if I wish to sleep all day.
Well, I have to walk Emma, before I leave. I guess I tried to make it to the dance lessons. I doubt is K will be there but it would be nice,
Once in a while I miss you my summer love, especially when it comes to body shots and shit like that. I know you and I feel the same way - No. I'm more of a one on one person. And now that I know how they are, I won't go to the cabin fixer upper thing either. Oh, and I beginning to get stares from certain members like they are interested.
I'll write another entry about the the guy at yoga flirting with me... I'm about to yell I'm a lesbian, but then all the women would probably vote me out of the class - it's a tough life to live ..... I sure miss you and what I had in my head of what we had together.... I love you!
Yes I Am
Yes, I am a lesbian. This evening at yoga, Bob asked me to move my mat next to his. He asked last week too. I said. "No." This week he even put his mat the other side of the room where I usually place mine so I stayed in the middle of the room.
"Why don't you move over next to me?"
"Because I like it here in the middle in front of the fire."
Now watch next week in will be in the middle of the room with his mat. He made me mad and sick. I wish men would leave me alone. Then Mr. Rolly Polly laid next to me, a little too close for comfort. I swear I was abused probably more than I can remember, because I truly dislike men!
I then asked the instructor, Teri a question. She came over and knee in front of me and looked at me sweetly. It made my heart melt. Yes, I am a lesbian, no doubt about it.
"Why don't you move over next to me?"
"Because I like it here in the middle in front of the fire."
Now watch next week in will be in the middle of the room with his mat. He made me mad and sick. I wish men would leave me alone. Then Mr. Rolly Polly laid next to me, a little too close for comfort. I swear I was abused probably more than I can remember, because I truly dislike men!
I then asked the instructor, Teri a question. She came over and knee in front of me and looked at me sweetly. It made my heart melt. Yes, I am a lesbian, no doubt about it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
What a Day!
I guess I needed to go for a run today because things were getting on my nerves like my printer that works but won't print. After several hours of spinning my wheels reloading CD software and messing it still didn't work. I know I need to buy a new one, but don't feel like it.
The maintenance guy who checked out my perfectly fine furance for $45.00 said since my electric hot water heater is 25 years old and I live on the second floor I should get a new one. There is no visible rust, no visible bulges like it is ready to burst, and it makes wonderfully hot water. So, what would you do? It's hard to spend the $500. when I really do not see a problem. Besides what if the installation is defective on the new one and it leaks down on the people who live below me? I keep thinking of the old adage, if it's not broke, don't fix it. I'll keep an eye on it I tell myself. So, know whenever I think of it I open the door to see if the drip pan it's sitting in is still dry.
By then even Emma was getting on my nerves, so I had to leave. I should have went for a run but by now I'm too hurry and it's been too long since I have eaten. I'm at Bread Co., now and it seems no matter where I go I run into the real estatee agent for this area. Hi! He probably would have sat with me if I didn't have my laptop on my table open and working. I guess I could have asked him about the local hot water heater longevity. When you think about it they are all 25 years old in the complex of 1400 condos. If the warning is servere, they should be bursting right and left! So, far I have not seen any warning in the monthly complex newsletter about bursting water heater. Do you think the maintenance man thought he had to give me something for my $45.00 like a warning? As far as fuel efficiency goes my electric bill is usually under $65.00. I even had the furnance filter already swapped out so he checked the heating coils with his handheld ohm meter or whatever the gizmo was.
Since, my heart as been healed, I really have no reason to direct my blogging to my summer love, but I will anyway. I still care about her as a friend. Maybe, I'm progress is regressing a little today. I wonder how she is? The spirit world must really think you are all wrong for me and totally gone, because the psychi gave me a stern "It's over!" answer when I inquired!
I must have slept wrong on my pillow last night my neck and upper shoulder is a little achy. But, I'm as cute as can be with my longer hair. I am adorable! A couple of women kept looking at me last night and about freaking me out. Let's just say they are not my type.
My new friend got the new job she wanted. She is very wise and filled with common sense, I like her. When she said she negotiated her salary, she meant it. She bickered and bartered like house or car buying. She countered their counter. I like that. I am impressed. I told her via email that if I was that potential employer I would be impressed; evidently they were, she got the job. We are going to celebrate this weekend. She has traveled all over the week with the job she has now but she had reached her top promotional level and had not gotten a pay increase in several years. With bonus in this new job, she will make an extra six grand a year. She got them up there, because at first she said it was less money then she was currently making. I know I'm going off on this but I think the job market is very interesting today. There or no unionize guarantees.
Oops, I almost said, I love you, sweetheart (maybe I meant myself)! Anyway, last night at M's, this "professional charity volunteer woman", gray haired; you probably know who I mean, was talking against unions. She said unions ruined it for everyone because they ruined FORD. Yes, I kept my mouth shut, I was sitting with about fifteen non-union people who make shit for salaries because of it; they don't get it do they? I do love you, as a friend, with a wonderfully brilliant mind who puts my to shame.
Last night I thought you were walking up the steps behind C instead of Jen, and I about freaked; I was doing so good! But, it wasn't you. I thought it would just be my luck to see you and rekindle sparks. But, that is my problem, you should be here amongst your friends at both groups. They all miss you. I don't have the ache in my heart anymore, so I am doing better. I'm fine.
Faith, the mystic psychic, said I will meet someone totally new in about three or four months so start thinking of the qualities that I want. Well ,I want her to have the intelligence, sexiness, hair, feminity, cuteness of D; the intelligence, sensitivity and beautiful heart of T; the sportiness and looks of me and all my other good qualities. And be happy with her career and monetarily self-sufficent. Make sure she's youthful and cute, in good health, good natured with no complaining and no bossiness.
Well, I called Officemax to see if they still had the printers and they don't. Oh no, I'm in trouble, I have my Sam's card with me. I think they have dog treats and fire starter blocks there too, I need desparately besides a printer. You know, you just can't buy a printer anymore, you have to get three in one, printer, scanner, and fax all-in-one.
I have yogo this evening, so that will take care of my exercise and now my headache is going away. I'm sure spending money (which I try to avoid) will make me feel better. But, first, while I'm here - chocolate. And then I need to work on my novel.
There is a mother and daughter sitting across from me; they are adorable. The daughter is a spitting image. Just adorable! And they are soulfully bonded, that makes them beautiful!
I'll be good now, I just got an icy mocha! Whew, brain freeze! Love it! Miss you! I was missing L (x) a little bit today too! But, I don't miss my family! I have died and gone to heaven.
Oh, and my TV it goes off and on even more now. It won't be long! I'm getting my income tax done on March 6th, hopefully it will hold out until then. I don't expect money back, I'm more concerned of how much I may owe.
I'm happy! I have died and gone to heaven! Thank you god, the universe, my spirit guides for all of my blessings, safety, non-injury, good healthy, happiness, youthfulness, wisdom, and good fortune and many wonderful friends and a new lover in my near future. Hey, it's in the cards (tarot).
The maintenance guy who checked out my perfectly fine furance for $45.00 said since my electric hot water heater is 25 years old and I live on the second floor I should get a new one. There is no visible rust, no visible bulges like it is ready to burst, and it makes wonderfully hot water. So, what would you do? It's hard to spend the $500. when I really do not see a problem. Besides what if the installation is defective on the new one and it leaks down on the people who live below me? I keep thinking of the old adage, if it's not broke, don't fix it. I'll keep an eye on it I tell myself. So, know whenever I think of it I open the door to see if the drip pan it's sitting in is still dry.
By then even Emma was getting on my nerves, so I had to leave. I should have went for a run but by now I'm too hurry and it's been too long since I have eaten. I'm at Bread Co., now and it seems no matter where I go I run into the real estatee agent for this area. Hi! He probably would have sat with me if I didn't have my laptop on my table open and working. I guess I could have asked him about the local hot water heater longevity. When you think about it they are all 25 years old in the complex of 1400 condos. If the warning is servere, they should be bursting right and left! So, far I have not seen any warning in the monthly complex newsletter about bursting water heater. Do you think the maintenance man thought he had to give me something for my $45.00 like a warning? As far as fuel efficiency goes my electric bill is usually under $65.00. I even had the furnance filter already swapped out so he checked the heating coils with his handheld ohm meter or whatever the gizmo was.
Since, my heart as been healed, I really have no reason to direct my blogging to my summer love, but I will anyway. I still care about her as a friend. Maybe, I'm progress is regressing a little today. I wonder how she is? The spirit world must really think you are all wrong for me and totally gone, because the psychi gave me a stern "It's over!" answer when I inquired!
I must have slept wrong on my pillow last night my neck and upper shoulder is a little achy. But, I'm as cute as can be with my longer hair. I am adorable! A couple of women kept looking at me last night and about freaking me out. Let's just say they are not my type.
My new friend got the new job she wanted. She is very wise and filled with common sense, I like her. When she said she negotiated her salary, she meant it. She bickered and bartered like house or car buying. She countered their counter. I like that. I am impressed. I told her via email that if I was that potential employer I would be impressed; evidently they were, she got the job. We are going to celebrate this weekend. She has traveled all over the week with the job she has now but she had reached her top promotional level and had not gotten a pay increase in several years. With bonus in this new job, she will make an extra six grand a year. She got them up there, because at first she said it was less money then she was currently making. I know I'm going off on this but I think the job market is very interesting today. There or no unionize guarantees.
Oops, I almost said, I love you, sweetheart (maybe I meant myself)! Anyway, last night at M's, this "professional charity volunteer woman", gray haired; you probably know who I mean, was talking against unions. She said unions ruined it for everyone because they ruined FORD. Yes, I kept my mouth shut, I was sitting with about fifteen non-union people who make shit for salaries because of it; they don't get it do they? I do love you, as a friend, with a wonderfully brilliant mind who puts my to shame.
Last night I thought you were walking up the steps behind C instead of Jen, and I about freaked; I was doing so good! But, it wasn't you. I thought it would just be my luck to see you and rekindle sparks. But, that is my problem, you should be here amongst your friends at both groups. They all miss you. I don't have the ache in my heart anymore, so I am doing better. I'm fine.
Faith, the mystic psychic, said I will meet someone totally new in about three or four months so start thinking of the qualities that I want. Well ,I want her to have the intelligence, sexiness, hair, feminity, cuteness of D; the intelligence, sensitivity and beautiful heart of T; the sportiness and looks of me and all my other good qualities. And be happy with her career and monetarily self-sufficent. Make sure she's youthful and cute, in good health, good natured with no complaining and no bossiness.
Well, I called Officemax to see if they still had the printers and they don't. Oh no, I'm in trouble, I have my Sam's card with me. I think they have dog treats and fire starter blocks there too, I need desparately besides a printer. You know, you just can't buy a printer anymore, you have to get three in one, printer, scanner, and fax all-in-one.
I have yogo this evening, so that will take care of my exercise and now my headache is going away. I'm sure spending money (which I try to avoid) will make me feel better. But, first, while I'm here - chocolate. And then I need to work on my novel.
There is a mother and daughter sitting across from me; they are adorable. The daughter is a spitting image. Just adorable! And they are soulfully bonded, that makes them beautiful!
I'll be good now, I just got an icy mocha! Whew, brain freeze! Love it! Miss you! I was missing L (x) a little bit today too! But, I don't miss my family! I have died and gone to heaven.
Oh, and my TV it goes off and on even more now. It won't be long! I'm getting my income tax done on March 6th, hopefully it will hold out until then. I don't expect money back, I'm more concerned of how much I may owe.
I'm happy! I have died and gone to heaven! Thank you god, the universe, my spirit guides for all of my blessings, safety, non-injury, good healthy, happiness, youthfulness, wisdom, and good fortune and many wonderful friends and a new lover in my near future. Hey, it's in the cards (tarot).
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I'm in a good place but you beware!
The tarot cards did it for me and now I'm in a good place emotionally. My heart doesn't hurt. I guess it just took affirmation of what I already was telling myself. It's good to be on the side of the fense that says leaving a bad life and starting a new life is a good thing.
The Catholic church upbringing demanded loyalty under all circumstances! I have been saved. I am so glad that I broke out of that treacherous prision of guilt.
I have completely changed my life moving away from childhood teachings and onto more spiritual growth. I went from hell to heaven. I'm at home finally. Its amazing to me how wrong oranized religion, society and government can be. It's a crap shoot. Let's face it, they are out to fulfill their own needs.
The church is too black and white; they don't care about you, they care about your money. You are in good standings with the church as long as you obey them and empty your pockets in each Sundays's basket.
When I was a kid the priest would yell and scream and demand to give ten percent to the church. Bullshit I say! Living a spiritual life is free and don't need no buildings. Of course too, there are no priests getting rich or hanging ornate drapes around themselves. I have been lied to, can you tell?
I have been lied to by the government, by church, by my family and by the media, who told me as a kid what a girl was too fragile for sports. Bullshit! It was all to keep us in our places. Roll playing - I hate it!
Gender rolls - bullshit I say. The newspaper lists jobs for men and jobs for women. No women the psychic said I was depressed when I was young. I was depressed. Who wouldn't be when you were told that you were expected to marry young and have as many babies as you could. That I was expected to love, honor and obey! That I was secondary! That I was supposed to be docile! And what would people think if I didn't wear the right thing! What would people think; my mother was so worried about what people would think!
I mother never supported me, never encouraged me, never hugged me, never loved me, although I'm sure if you asked her so would say that she did. She never held up for me when my brother beat on me or my father harrassed me; or when my father made me what while he beat my german shepard to death with a huge heavy hammer. I was led to believe that I was next in line. Today, he would get jail time. He thought it was funny, she smiled too.
Oh yes, love honor and obey - bullshit! Honor they father and thy mother (yeah and I guess the priest too - so they can stick it to ya!). I say - bullshit!
We need to go to war! Yeah right! More bullshit!
This car is safe! Yeah right - more bullshite! Yeah it's a new one a Carvair. Remember the carvair - it split in half upon impact. Remember the Pinto, it burst into flames upon impact! I believe that is when the term "class action" became reality - that is lumping groups of people together who are all sueing for the same thing - their injuries, their lost of appearance, their lost of the ability to work. Oh yeah, we are looking out for you alright! Remember George Nadir and "Unsafe at any speed" regarding the Carvair. Yes, it took a private citizen to make lots of noise before the auto injuries who that the money to improve their products and save lives.
Then came the 90's and the new millinium when all corporation were falsifying accounting records and cutting production safety corners and yes, the ordinary citizen suffered - Firestone tires were blowing right and left! Oh we skipped that 35 cents part of the process to save money - yes, and people are dying or being severely injured.
Consumer beware.. boy that's for sure, because your lobbiest (your real government) is not watching out for you, they are watching out and helping the corporations turn a profit and propably lining their pocket too, during the process. Beware.
The Catholic church upbringing demanded loyalty under all circumstances! I have been saved. I am so glad that I broke out of that treacherous prision of guilt.
I have completely changed my life moving away from childhood teachings and onto more spiritual growth. I went from hell to heaven. I'm at home finally. Its amazing to me how wrong oranized religion, society and government can be. It's a crap shoot. Let's face it, they are out to fulfill their own needs.
The church is too black and white; they don't care about you, they care about your money. You are in good standings with the church as long as you obey them and empty your pockets in each Sundays's basket.
When I was a kid the priest would yell and scream and demand to give ten percent to the church. Bullshit I say! Living a spiritual life is free and don't need no buildings. Of course too, there are no priests getting rich or hanging ornate drapes around themselves. I have been lied to, can you tell?
I have been lied to by the government, by church, by my family and by the media, who told me as a kid what a girl was too fragile for sports. Bullshit! It was all to keep us in our places. Roll playing - I hate it!
Gender rolls - bullshit I say. The newspaper lists jobs for men and jobs for women. No women the psychic said I was depressed when I was young. I was depressed. Who wouldn't be when you were told that you were expected to marry young and have as many babies as you could. That I was expected to love, honor and obey! That I was secondary! That I was supposed to be docile! And what would people think if I didn't wear the right thing! What would people think; my mother was so worried about what people would think!
I mother never supported me, never encouraged me, never hugged me, never loved me, although I'm sure if you asked her so would say that she did. She never held up for me when my brother beat on me or my father harrassed me; or when my father made me what while he beat my german shepard to death with a huge heavy hammer. I was led to believe that I was next in line. Today, he would get jail time. He thought it was funny, she smiled too.
Oh yes, love honor and obey - bullshit! Honor they father and thy mother (yeah and I guess the priest too - so they can stick it to ya!). I say - bullshit!
We need to go to war! Yeah right! More bullshit!
This car is safe! Yeah right - more bullshite! Yeah it's a new one a Carvair. Remember the carvair - it split in half upon impact. Remember the Pinto, it burst into flames upon impact! I believe that is when the term "class action" became reality - that is lumping groups of people together who are all sueing for the same thing - their injuries, their lost of appearance, their lost of the ability to work. Oh yeah, we are looking out for you alright! Remember George Nadir and "Unsafe at any speed" regarding the Carvair. Yes, it took a private citizen to make lots of noise before the auto injuries who that the money to improve their products and save lives.
Then came the 90's and the new millinium when all corporation were falsifying accounting records and cutting production safety corners and yes, the ordinary citizen suffered - Firestone tires were blowing right and left! Oh we skipped that 35 cents part of the process to save money - yes, and people are dying or being severely injured.
Consumer beware.. boy that's for sure, because your lobbiest (your real government) is not watching out for you, they are watching out and helping the corporations turn a profit and propably lining their pocket too, during the process. Beware.
Spirituality Class
I'm trying to think of some things we discussed last night in spirituality class. Oh, we had a piece of paper and we were supposed to write on it what are the positive traids of our parents, both of them. It took me the longest time. The only thing that I could come up with is that they were both white. I mean that in a none racist way, if that is at all possible but in 1947 believe me it was easier to be, I'm sure. I am non prejudice and have all the sympathy in the world for what they went through and are still going through. I'm a lesbian; I know, I can hide mine. I don't have a prejudice bone in my body only empathy for all those who are mistreated because people can be so ignorant and cruel.
Just stop and think about how errogant people are in the name of religion and government. How righteous they think they are when only they are prejudice and ignorant and contrary to their preachings.
Okay, I got side tracked. Some spirits rush to get back because of sexual, drug or some other type of addictions and they really don't take the time to pick their parents; or maybe they do pick parents who are conducive to their addictive goals. Who knows for sure. I guess I picked mine to learn to break the chain of being subjective to authoritian abuse.
It only took me fifty years but I had had enough of it and no longer associate with abusive, arrogant, self-serving people. It's as simple as that - disassociate it's called. Move away and do not leave any forwarding information. Get called ID and call notes and do not answer the phone if you do not recognize the number. If It's important they will leave a message.
If there is a knock on the door and you haven't invited anyone then don't answer it. People just don't usally drop by anyway these day when everyone has cell phones. If you see them out somewhere pretend you don't. So, who cares if they hate you. When I was a minor I could have been locked up and medicated not today. They cannot threaten me with anything. I had not relied on my parents monetarily since I was eighteen.
Just stop and think about how errogant people are in the name of religion and government. How righteous they think they are when only they are prejudice and ignorant and contrary to their preachings.
Okay, I got side tracked. Some spirits rush to get back because of sexual, drug or some other type of addictions and they really don't take the time to pick their parents; or maybe they do pick parents who are conducive to their addictive goals. Who knows for sure. I guess I picked mine to learn to break the chain of being subjective to authoritian abuse.
It only took me fifty years but I had had enough of it and no longer associate with abusive, arrogant, self-serving people. It's as simple as that - disassociate it's called. Move away and do not leave any forwarding information. Get called ID and call notes and do not answer the phone if you do not recognize the number. If It's important they will leave a message.
If there is a knock on the door and you haven't invited anyone then don't answer it. People just don't usally drop by anyway these day when everyone has cell phones. If you see them out somewhere pretend you don't. So, who cares if they hate you. When I was a minor I could have been locked up and medicated not today. They cannot threaten me with anything. I had not relied on my parents monetarily since I was eighteen.
I Should be Running..Tomorrow
I should be practicing my guitar for my lesson this evening.....later. But, first I must talk more about my psychic experience yesterday that my spirit guides so elegantly planned for me.
As I mentioned earlier, I had an appointment for an astrology reading but the women never showed up yet I continued to comfortably hang around, not really knowing why. But, I just felt like I should sit read, eat some cookies and drink a little coffee. Mystic Valley is a spiritual store filled with the spicy sweet aromas of insence, books and so much more. It's a friendly place and I felt comfortable so I hung around for awhile as the proprietor made several attempts to contact the astrologer who just didn't show up.
After a time, the proprietor mentioned that Faith, the Tarot card reader, was there if I would like a reading. I have gone several time to a psychic who channeled the spirit Ezekiel, but I never had a Tarot card reading and it sounded interesting. Besides I felt like maybe that is why the woman never showed up. I thought it odd she never even called and couldn't be contacted on her cell phone. But, I had the feeling of wait and see and maybe this was meant to be.
The reading was right on sister..she said being Libra I was artsy and yes, I love to write, draw and play guitar and piano - although a novice at best, there is potential I feel. She said that she thought it was hard for me to be in an office environment for many years..and yes, it truly was. I longed to be doing something else, like teaching piano or anything creative.
She told me to write a letter to my mother and than burn it. She saw that I was depressed as a child and asked if I had been in therapy. Yes on both counts. Although, I never labeled myself as being depressed when I was young; I think I just didn't realize the term that applied. All I know and remember is that the world revolved around my mother's moods and life with her was extremely difficult and lonely.
She told me my summer love was done. She said it rather forceful with a tone that implied certitude and closure. The end! Forget about it! It's done! It's over!
She said that I need to develop a sense of confidence that will carry me into a relationship with someone I will meet in three or four months. In my mind I am to make a list of quialities I want in this person. I should always use positive adjectives desribing myself in a relationship. She said positive thoughts are very important. She didn't say this but the fact is as we think it, we create it!
She said I was fine, healthy, and sound in every other aspect of my life. Ezekiel has told me this too. I easily express my graditude everyday for my many gifts.
I have done exactly what she has suggested and I feel better already and open to new experience. She said I have many friends and that I am very social. She is oh so correct as my days are filled with fun activities and many friends.
I'm in a better place now; a much better place. My thoughts are no longer cluttered with despair but are filled with hope and promise. I'm even light hearted I just played sang for Emma. A mini concert for Emma and she actually watched so intensely it was comical and I one point I broke out in laugher. Well now, the concert is over and it's once again nap time for her. She is a healthy and spirited girl for her age but she operates in short spurts between naps.
Yesterday at one point I said I thought that someone was flirting with me but wasn't sure. She said flirt back! And so I am. It's friendly flirting, nothing serious, more like mutual admiration. She speaks easily and express herself ery well. She is very social and out there.
As I mentioned earlier, I had an appointment for an astrology reading but the women never showed up yet I continued to comfortably hang around, not really knowing why. But, I just felt like I should sit read, eat some cookies and drink a little coffee. Mystic Valley is a spiritual store filled with the spicy sweet aromas of insence, books and so much more. It's a friendly place and I felt comfortable so I hung around for awhile as the proprietor made several attempts to contact the astrologer who just didn't show up.
After a time, the proprietor mentioned that Faith, the Tarot card reader, was there if I would like a reading. I have gone several time to a psychic who channeled the spirit Ezekiel, but I never had a Tarot card reading and it sounded interesting. Besides I felt like maybe that is why the woman never showed up. I thought it odd she never even called and couldn't be contacted on her cell phone. But, I had the feeling of wait and see and maybe this was meant to be.
The reading was right on sister..she said being Libra I was artsy and yes, I love to write, draw and play guitar and piano - although a novice at best, there is potential I feel. She said that she thought it was hard for me to be in an office environment for many years..and yes, it truly was. I longed to be doing something else, like teaching piano or anything creative.
She told me to write a letter to my mother and than burn it. She saw that I was depressed as a child and asked if I had been in therapy. Yes on both counts. Although, I never labeled myself as being depressed when I was young; I think I just didn't realize the term that applied. All I know and remember is that the world revolved around my mother's moods and life with her was extremely difficult and lonely.
She told me my summer love was done. She said it rather forceful with a tone that implied certitude and closure. The end! Forget about it! It's done! It's over!
She said that I need to develop a sense of confidence that will carry me into a relationship with someone I will meet in three or four months. In my mind I am to make a list of quialities I want in this person. I should always use positive adjectives desribing myself in a relationship. She said positive thoughts are very important. She didn't say this but the fact is as we think it, we create it!
She said I was fine, healthy, and sound in every other aspect of my life. Ezekiel has told me this too. I easily express my graditude everyday for my many gifts.
I have done exactly what she has suggested and I feel better already and open to new experience. She said I have many friends and that I am very social. She is oh so correct as my days are filled with fun activities and many friends.
I'm in a better place now; a much better place. My thoughts are no longer cluttered with despair but are filled with hope and promise. I'm even light hearted I just played sang for Emma. A mini concert for Emma and she actually watched so intensely it was comical and I one point I broke out in laugher. Well now, the concert is over and it's once again nap time for her. She is a healthy and spirited girl for her age but she operates in short spurts between naps.
Yesterday at one point I said I thought that someone was flirting with me but wasn't sure. She said flirt back! And so I am. It's friendly flirting, nothing serious, more like mutual admiration. She speaks easily and express herself ery well. She is very social and out there.
Monday, January 23, 2006
NPR on Ford Closings
Ford is closing three more plants around the country as they falter in financial purgatory. It's seems they never factored in retiree benefits in their financial planning and statements.
One of the speakers on NPR said that do to poor management, out dated design and built in faulty materials, they were doomed. Well, the speaker didn't use those exact words, these are my interpretations and I'm very close.
Besides foreign makers either in this country or aboard have state of the art materials, design, cheaper labor, and a lasting quality maintenance free (compared to American auto makers) product.
I think Ford expected repeated faithful patriotic purchases that never happened; we got wise instead. Well, most people may fall and be fools once or twice but not continously. Lets face it, we are talking thirty grand or more being forked out for poor craftsmanship. Besides the designs, just who are they for, back wooded old white men with belt buckles below their beer bellies and baggy butts. Their designs are grossly outdated, who professional successful educated young man would purchase such a product? It would be at testament to poor judgement and lack of insight that is out there for all to see. People only want to make it from point A to B without worry of mechancial or electrcial fires.
My last Ford product blew a head gasket at 26,000 miles and to me that is not acceptable. I buy a new product for security reasons, and not to be nickeled and dimed by greedy old men who think the American public is just plain stupid. We are not dumb suckers....well some of us aren't!
My mother's thunderbird caught on fire after she turned it off. The insurance adjuster declared that this is common with Ford products. The government at one point had to step in and demand that American auto makers product a safe vehicle. A safe vehicle that could meet foreign manufacturers safety standards. My thinking is, that if the American auto dealers would try to rip you off in the financing department by attempting to slip in extra monthly charges that you have to catch them at or you are stuck paying them for at least four years. Oh yeah, and you better get that extra warranty - you'll need it!
Oh and beware when you do have to take it in for maintenance and break-down because sure enough after thirteen months or twenty-six thousand miles (when the battery warranty expires) you'll need repairs. They built it in; its in the college textbooks that is where I got confirmation. Initiatially my gut told me that is what they did but I didn't want to believe it. We have a tendency to want to believe that no one deliberately wants to rip us off; but they do and the government lets them. Where is the better business bureau on this one?
Buying a vehicle is an insulting enough of a process without buying faulty equipment on top of it. It just goes to show you they will try ripping you off every step of the way and we stupid American's fall for it out of loyalty? We cannot imagine that our American corporations would actually rip us off. Take a closer look and you will see that the auto industry is merely a microcosym of a larger corporation, the goverment. All these good old boys are in it to stick it to you and stuff the goods in their pockets. Look at any CEO or government officials pay stubs if you want proof. They're roll'n in it as you are trying desperately to make ends meet.
Get wise Americans, speak up and demand your politicians get their act together. You, as an educated war fighting, tax paying American should be insulting, indigified by these degrading tactics. They are indeed your politicians and you pay their salaries so demand that they look out for you and not turn a blind eye to the slid dealings of the large companies. The same goes for corporate heads; I ask you, have you ever seen one take a cut so their workers can get better paid and get and/or keep their benefits. We have come to a point in time where CEO's are making sure they stuff their pocket while sticking it to you so they can. Where's the employer loyalty toward his employees?
There goes the male ego again, one has to try to out-do the other. Well, so and so CEO makes this much, I have to make more! It's all about greed folks, greed!
Wise up American, do your homework. And do not fall for fabricated terrorist threats, homosexuality prejudices, or anti-abortion bills diversions that are specifiy placed to distract YOU from the real issue at hand. Stand up for yourself vote the present politicans out - all of them.
Who will purpose that child if you can't? The local, state and federal government is taking more and more social services benefits away from you all the time; not to mention the jobs that they are permitting big corporations to start up overseas. Corporations can now make their headquarters anywhere; so why should they be loyal to American tuff and our high tax rules?
Do your homework and read materials regarding both sides of the aisle then make your common sense and educated decisions. These things effects you directly so take charge of your life.
One of the speakers on NPR said that do to poor management, out dated design and built in faulty materials, they were doomed. Well, the speaker didn't use those exact words, these are my interpretations and I'm very close.
Besides foreign makers either in this country or aboard have state of the art materials, design, cheaper labor, and a lasting quality maintenance free (compared to American auto makers) product.
I think Ford expected repeated faithful patriotic purchases that never happened; we got wise instead. Well, most people may fall and be fools once or twice but not continously. Lets face it, we are talking thirty grand or more being forked out for poor craftsmanship. Besides the designs, just who are they for, back wooded old white men with belt buckles below their beer bellies and baggy butts. Their designs are grossly outdated, who professional successful educated young man would purchase such a product? It would be at testament to poor judgement and lack of insight that is out there for all to see. People only want to make it from point A to B without worry of mechancial or electrcial fires.
My last Ford product blew a head gasket at 26,000 miles and to me that is not acceptable. I buy a new product for security reasons, and not to be nickeled and dimed by greedy old men who think the American public is just plain stupid. We are not dumb suckers....well some of us aren't!
My mother's thunderbird caught on fire after she turned it off. The insurance adjuster declared that this is common with Ford products. The government at one point had to step in and demand that American auto makers product a safe vehicle. A safe vehicle that could meet foreign manufacturers safety standards. My thinking is, that if the American auto dealers would try to rip you off in the financing department by attempting to slip in extra monthly charges that you have to catch them at or you are stuck paying them for at least four years. Oh yeah, and you better get that extra warranty - you'll need it!
Oh and beware when you do have to take it in for maintenance and break-down because sure enough after thirteen months or twenty-six thousand miles (when the battery warranty expires) you'll need repairs. They built it in; its in the college textbooks that is where I got confirmation. Initiatially my gut told me that is what they did but I didn't want to believe it. We have a tendency to want to believe that no one deliberately wants to rip us off; but they do and the government lets them. Where is the better business bureau on this one?
Buying a vehicle is an insulting enough of a process without buying faulty equipment on top of it. It just goes to show you they will try ripping you off every step of the way and we stupid American's fall for it out of loyalty? We cannot imagine that our American corporations would actually rip us off. Take a closer look and you will see that the auto industry is merely a microcosym of a larger corporation, the goverment. All these good old boys are in it to stick it to you and stuff the goods in their pockets. Look at any CEO or government officials pay stubs if you want proof. They're roll'n in it as you are trying desperately to make ends meet.
Get wise Americans, speak up and demand your politicians get their act together. You, as an educated war fighting, tax paying American should be insulting, indigified by these degrading tactics. They are indeed your politicians and you pay their salaries so demand that they look out for you and not turn a blind eye to the slid dealings of the large companies. The same goes for corporate heads; I ask you, have you ever seen one take a cut so their workers can get better paid and get and/or keep their benefits. We have come to a point in time where CEO's are making sure they stuff their pocket while sticking it to you so they can. Where's the employer loyalty toward his employees?
There goes the male ego again, one has to try to out-do the other. Well, so and so CEO makes this much, I have to make more! It's all about greed folks, greed!
Wise up American, do your homework. And do not fall for fabricated terrorist threats, homosexuality prejudices, or anti-abortion bills diversions that are specifiy placed to distract YOU from the real issue at hand. Stand up for yourself vote the present politicans out - all of them.
Who will purpose that child if you can't? The local, state and federal government is taking more and more social services benefits away from you all the time; not to mention the jobs that they are permitting big corporations to start up overseas. Corporations can now make their headquarters anywhere; so why should they be loyal to American tuff and our high tax rules?
Do your homework and read materials regarding both sides of the aisle then make your common sense and educated decisions. These things effects you directly so take charge of your life.
Karma was with me today
It was set up today for an astrology reading, but the astrologer LSW, MSW never showed up at the mystic valley. After thirty minutes of drinking coffee and eating cookies she still did not show and the proprietor there could not reach her two phones. Well, I still hung around for some reason I was in no hurry. Finally, it was brough to my attention that a pyschic tarot card reader was in the house and could give me a reading.
I have never had cards read for myself before so this intriqued me. Actually, a few weeks ago an astrologer was at the spirituality class that I was at and drew up a chart for me. So, my reason today for being there was actually redundant. But, as it turned out I was quit enlightened by the cards and truly impressed.
So, some things are just meant to be. I have prayed quit a bit regarding my love life and my pain. It turns out to my realitization that my childhood had caused my pain all these years. She asked if I was in therapy. I said I had been up until December. She knew that I was depressed in my youth.
She said my relationship with the summer love was done! My spirit guide then gave me a truer vision of my summer love. Yes I'm done. It's time to move on and clear my mind and my heart and just have fun living in extreme confidence. I look forward to more creative writing and guitar playing.
Life is good!
I have never had cards read for myself before so this intriqued me. Actually, a few weeks ago an astrologer was at the spirituality class that I was at and drew up a chart for me. So, my reason today for being there was actually redundant. But, as it turned out I was quit enlightened by the cards and truly impressed.
So, some things are just meant to be. I have prayed quit a bit regarding my love life and my pain. It turns out to my realitization that my childhood had caused my pain all these years. She asked if I was in therapy. I said I had been up until December. She knew that I was depressed in my youth.
She said my relationship with the summer love was done! My spirit guide then gave me a truer vision of my summer love. Yes I'm done. It's time to move on and clear my mind and my heart and just have fun living in extreme confidence. I look forward to more creative writing and guitar playing.
Life is good!
I'm Done With You
Spirit guides surrounded me today and I was touched by their presence. The universe as healed my heart. I got the message! My heart soars with eagles no longer bound but elated to new heights.
I'm done with my summer love. Yes, I am done with you. What I have been feeling has been my own self directed pain assciated with my past.
I am free at last. A tarot card psychic nailed me to the wall today. She was right on. "That's done!" she said with a stern voice regarding my summer love.
She said that I need to heal my childhood pain and let it go. I have done this already - it's gone. I was depressed in my youth. I should write a letter to my mother telling her everything I want to say and then burn it! I need to work on my self-confidence and the way I carry myself. I am doing that already. I am there. When I look in the mirror I see how cute I am. I am very cute! :) I would definitely ask myself out. I am truly a catch, just as K claims that I am. Yes, I have learned to love myself.
Faith, the psychic tarot reader, said in my mind I should make a list of the person I will be meeting in three or four months. That's easy! I just summed her up as to be just like me only younger, prettier and with thick longer hair and not gray; I mean if there is gray to have it covered. I want her to be feminine and very loving, warm and nurturing. I want her to be independent and our relationship would be icing on the cake; we would compliment each other. Faith said that never again will I lose myself in a a relationship and never again will I pick someone like my mother. I'm excited because I know my love will be as loving and warm and nurtnuring as Teresa.
I will never lose myself in a relationship again. I should never say that I am no good in relationships because then I will not be. She said that in three or four months I will meet someone who is like I am. Cool! But, first I must free myself of my past - all of the pain and sorrow is gone! She said there are five change cards, I had four of them. Yes, my life is definitely changing.
She could tell that I had lots of friends, that I like people, and was very active socially and yes I am. She was right-on with that one; in fact, with everything.
Way to go! I am so done with you! I will always care for you as a friend! I wish only the best for you and lots of love.
The pain I felt was my own self pain I have been carrying for years because of my youth. I have cut them away. Anything that as ever cause me pain, I have dissolved. The psychic said it's time to let go of the past!
I love my new friends and hope to gain many more. I am very busy and I am growing spiritually. I feel very fortunate I look for signs along the way and gifts of knowledge. Recently, I was afraid that I was running out of time; I worried about my age because I am attracted to attractive younger fit women. Alone came this very nice thirty-four year old who told me I was quit a catch and that she had dated women twenty years older in the past. Needless to say, this boost my morale. So, if I feel good and think that I am sexually attractive then I can believe that others do too. I was just beginning to worry and realize that there are few ones out there like me and I know at my age I am in the minority. But baby, I'm hanging in there and taking the beset care of me that I can. After all I'm ultimately all that I truly have and I so appreciate my many gifts of wealthy of healthy and wisdom.
I had a very interesting spirituality class tonight. It is a small group but we mix well and again all women. What we do in this life; what we have learned in this life will effect our future lives. I'm excited and actually look forward to the future of many lives. I know now that we have power to manipulate occurances and our environment that is why Faith said have a list of the qualities that you want in a mate and think positive thoughts about that relationship; never think negative for we can also make the negative happen to by our thoughts. Yes, we truly are more powerful than what we think.
My mother has caused this all this pain. I have picked loves that resemble her personality. I have freed myself of her and those people. From now on, those whom I love and love me will be more like me in body, mind and spirit.
Spirituality class was very interesting this evening. I think after the fourth week that this will be my last series of spirituality classes for a while.
This evening she asked if we thought we picked our parents. We disgussed that some spirits do because they want to learn a specific lessons. We also decided that some spirits are so hasty to get back to earth for some sort of addiction, be it sex, drugs or alcohol, that they hastly should there parents and end up with abusive and poor parental relationships.
If I should mine I have no idea why. I think my past lives were lonely, cruel, cold, sad, depressing and miserable and it took me half this lifetime to figure out a way to free myself from my misery. She then had us choose our parents in our next life. I choose a nurturning loving person such as Teresa.
I have freed myself from my past misery and I am ready to face a very positive and and loving future.
I'm done with my summer love. Yes, I am done with you. What I have been feeling has been my own self directed pain assciated with my past.
I am free at last. A tarot card psychic nailed me to the wall today. She was right on. "That's done!" she said with a stern voice regarding my summer love.
She said that I need to heal my childhood pain and let it go. I have done this already - it's gone. I was depressed in my youth. I should write a letter to my mother telling her everything I want to say and then burn it! I need to work on my self-confidence and the way I carry myself. I am doing that already. I am there. When I look in the mirror I see how cute I am. I am very cute! :) I would definitely ask myself out. I am truly a catch, just as K claims that I am. Yes, I have learned to love myself.
Faith, the psychic tarot reader, said in my mind I should make a list of the person I will be meeting in three or four months. That's easy! I just summed her up as to be just like me only younger, prettier and with thick longer hair and not gray; I mean if there is gray to have it covered. I want her to be feminine and very loving, warm and nurturing. I want her to be independent and our relationship would be icing on the cake; we would compliment each other. Faith said that never again will I lose myself in a a relationship and never again will I pick someone like my mother. I'm excited because I know my love will be as loving and warm and nurtnuring as Teresa.
I will never lose myself in a relationship again. I should never say that I am no good in relationships because then I will not be. She said that in three or four months I will meet someone who is like I am. Cool! But, first I must free myself of my past - all of the pain and sorrow is gone! She said there are five change cards, I had four of them. Yes, my life is definitely changing.
She could tell that I had lots of friends, that I like people, and was very active socially and yes I am. She was right-on with that one; in fact, with everything.
Way to go! I am so done with you! I will always care for you as a friend! I wish only the best for you and lots of love.
The pain I felt was my own self pain I have been carrying for years because of my youth. I have cut them away. Anything that as ever cause me pain, I have dissolved. The psychic said it's time to let go of the past!
I love my new friends and hope to gain many more. I am very busy and I am growing spiritually. I feel very fortunate I look for signs along the way and gifts of knowledge. Recently, I was afraid that I was running out of time; I worried about my age because I am attracted to attractive younger fit women. Alone came this very nice thirty-four year old who told me I was quit a catch and that she had dated women twenty years older in the past. Needless to say, this boost my morale. So, if I feel good and think that I am sexually attractive then I can believe that others do too. I was just beginning to worry and realize that there are few ones out there like me and I know at my age I am in the minority. But baby, I'm hanging in there and taking the beset care of me that I can. After all I'm ultimately all that I truly have and I so appreciate my many gifts of wealthy of healthy and wisdom.
I had a very interesting spirituality class tonight. It is a small group but we mix well and again all women. What we do in this life; what we have learned in this life will effect our future lives. I'm excited and actually look forward to the future of many lives. I know now that we have power to manipulate occurances and our environment that is why Faith said have a list of the qualities that you want in a mate and think positive thoughts about that relationship; never think negative for we can also make the negative happen to by our thoughts. Yes, we truly are more powerful than what we think.
My mother has caused this all this pain. I have picked loves that resemble her personality. I have freed myself of her and those people. From now on, those whom I love and love me will be more like me in body, mind and spirit.
Spirituality class was very interesting this evening. I think after the fourth week that this will be my last series of spirituality classes for a while.
This evening she asked if we thought we picked our parents. We disgussed that some spirits do because they want to learn a specific lessons. We also decided that some spirits are so hasty to get back to earth for some sort of addiction, be it sex, drugs or alcohol, that they hastly should there parents and end up with abusive and poor parental relationships.
If I should mine I have no idea why. I think my past lives were lonely, cruel, cold, sad, depressing and miserable and it took me half this lifetime to figure out a way to free myself from my misery. She then had us choose our parents in our next life. I choose a nurturning loving person such as Teresa.
I have freed myself from my past misery and I am ready to face a very positive and and loving future.
Makes You Wonder?
Well, I had four hours of sleep. Seems the effect of afternoon choice of choosing leaded over unleaded coffee. Also puts acid in my stomach which I think is probably what wakes me up. Just thought I'd mention it for food for thought in case the situation applies. I'm a women wanting to take care of you.
I woke up thinking about you, like I usually do. It was about the time you would be getting up. I so miss the nearness, softness, and warmth of you so sweet when you slept. So innocent my baby is, so loving, so precious. Sorry, I can't help it. It's how I felt! I appreciate the gift of love and life - that's all. I have a big heart.
But, I also woke up from a nightmare called "quiet easy". In the dream there were women who through rumors were telling the tale of the poor just left to die - all over the country. In quiet poverty pockets a weeding out so to speak of the weak and broken who couldn't keep up.
Have you seen the Discovery or National Geographic shows about herbs of wild deer, moose and the like migrating across hundreds of miles? The strong of the herd were left to reproduce after the weak and crippled dropped away to be eaten by the wolves when they couldn't keep up. It's nature's way to keep the herd strong!
A scary thought when you swap the deer, antalope, and moose for humans beings. Makes you wonder?
How far down the rabbit hole to you want to go? How wide to you want to open your eyes to see? Now, for a moment, compare the gentleness of spiriutality with (keyword->) organized religion. The simplest difference that I can state is; the former, you are in power; the latter, "they" are in power. Think of it as the difference between organized power and ground roots of society.
I think I may have had the quiet easy nightmare after reading the STL Sunday paper article on the subject of women cleaning up men's messes. Suddenly I envisioned the family, the "ordinary" family. Men sure get knocked around in commericals don't they? Is that for the reason of humor of truth?
I like the one commerical about the husband saying he is going to do something and never gets around to it; like making a phone call to buy insurance or something. And he gets to it like he does everything else at his on speed, at his own time; sometimes he forgets altogether. But, none the less, he is always "putting off" things he needs to do. Is it because it wasn't his own idea or because he didn't think it was important enough? In any case we'll never know. But, the moral of the story is that the women ends up doing it herself like she does everything else, she so smilingly admits like is incompetance is oh so cute!
Recently I read an article where women from countries where their men are each other are coming together in peace for the children. I't like wives telling their husbands to knock it off after they get sick of listening to the men fight with each other, or the kids fighting. Instead of fighting with other countries like children, women are getting together to talk friendly and to work things out. Women want to get things straightened, fixed and working well. Men love the game. Be it football or whatever; spectator or participant, they love the game. They love winning and stomping the weaker guy.
On the other hand a woman's main concern is the welfare of her family. Their main conern is for their children. They want peace and harmony. They are trying to fix the messes the men have made, so to speak, in all honesty. Men wish to be in power, but they all want to be the sheriff, the leader, the big shot and they are so worried about fighting the other guy to the top that they trample on the small in the crowd. On the other hand, the women are worried about the children and want a nice clean, quiet, peaceful home for their families. Where is the next meal going to come from? Who will take care of the sick? Men do not see this unless they become sick or injuried and then they join the ranks of the little ones and want mama to take care of them too. Sorry, I know that hurts.
I think more women are comparing scenes from the microcosym home scene to the macrocosym national or global scene. Women, your base roots systems, are seeing the big picture that men evidently cannot see because they can only focus on one thing - control. Sometimes like an abusive relatinship: If I pulls the reins tight enough she'll never leave me. Honey, mentally and emotionally, you do that and you have already lost her. So, my point, sometimes being so controlling is a sign of insecurity and in the long run fails this method fails miserably.
There are many in Hollywood who will protest at the annual presidental speech coming up at the end of the month. Yes, and it's not only women at this event who are protesting but many men feel the same way. Men who are grounded in their spirituality. In the long run, women will have to clean up after the mess has been made.
And I know men will let women take over because I have seen it on a small scale in the work place. Oh yes, with afirmative action in the late 70's women were allowed to work "men's" jobs. The men hollered and kicked and then soon stepped aside and let the women do all the hard work and he merely put in his time. Yes, if I can't have it my way, I'm not participating. This happens in all professions and you know it. Through the years, the men wanted the glory, the women who are the true back bones of the systems, did all the work. The man took the glory.
Remember the story of the first men in space? Women were trained and conditions for the job too, for science. I guess male scientist were just curious? The women actually faired better on physical and intellectual levels. Themen wouldn't have it!
Society (men) taught us from the beginning of time that a women's place was in the home (or as secretaries) to take care of the home and the children. Reality shows have taught us differently, haven't they? But, still men have to be "out time" working, well actually pushing their chests out and competing amongst one another. The good ole boys club (makes you wonder?)
The women were at home taking care of the financial, building, maintenance, health and general up keep of the family. Is this evolution at best? Has times changed? No? Compared to the hunter gatherers societies of the world. Compare women of the native Americans to women all over the world where the men went out to hunt while the women did the planting, childrearing, homecare the men did not want to be bothered with. Well, it seems women see that this needs to be done on a bigger scale - nationally and globally. The women will clean up the mess just like they always have.
Yes, things are going to get interesting now; because I do believe the men are getting frustrating; they are in too deep and do not know which way is up or out. Coutries like Liberia, Chile, Germany and so many others have already put many women in the higher positions. And like I mentioned earlier, educated women from different countries who are "enemies" are coming together to work things out peacefully.
When you truly think about it, there is no need for war. And how is it that killing is a crime unless it is done in the name of ware or religion? Double standards, you bet.
Spirituality - peaceful and empowering on a individual loving level. I think too that is why I believe I have experienced more women who are into spirituality than maybe men? This is my own observation.
Studying spirituality changes one's materalistic, competitive beliefs to ones of inner peace and tranquility and love. We choose when we went to be born, that is why your zodiac sign nails you. We choose when we want to leave. Have you ever witness someone who hangs on for someone else, until that person tells them it is okay to go? Have you heard of near death experiences; well, they changed their mind, perhaps. Someone was making them hang on, maybe themselves, having unfinished business realized. We are in control and we don't even know it. Our thoughts are very powerful and it's how we create our own environment. Think about it!
Watch "What the bleep do we know" again and then in February watch "How far down the rabbit hole to you want to go?" by the same people. It's good stuff and very impowering.
Our spirit guides are looking out for us. Remember too, people come into our lives for a reason and that is usually to teach us something, or we to teach each other. I love it. But you have to have your eyes, ears, and heart open to it. Look for it.
I woke up thinking about you, like I usually do. It was about the time you would be getting up. I so miss the nearness, softness, and warmth of you so sweet when you slept. So innocent my baby is, so loving, so precious. Sorry, I can't help it. It's how I felt! I appreciate the gift of love and life - that's all. I have a big heart.
But, I also woke up from a nightmare called "quiet easy". In the dream there were women who through rumors were telling the tale of the poor just left to die - all over the country. In quiet poverty pockets a weeding out so to speak of the weak and broken who couldn't keep up.
Have you seen the Discovery or National Geographic shows about herbs of wild deer, moose and the like migrating across hundreds of miles? The strong of the herd were left to reproduce after the weak and crippled dropped away to be eaten by the wolves when they couldn't keep up. It's nature's way to keep the herd strong!
A scary thought when you swap the deer, antalope, and moose for humans beings. Makes you wonder?
How far down the rabbit hole to you want to go? How wide to you want to open your eyes to see? Now, for a moment, compare the gentleness of spiriutality with (keyword->) organized religion. The simplest difference that I can state is; the former, you are in power; the latter, "they" are in power. Think of it as the difference between organized power and ground roots of society.
I think I may have had the quiet easy nightmare after reading the STL Sunday paper article on the subject of women cleaning up men's messes. Suddenly I envisioned the family, the "ordinary" family. Men sure get knocked around in commericals don't they? Is that for the reason of humor of truth?
I like the one commerical about the husband saying he is going to do something and never gets around to it; like making a phone call to buy insurance or something. And he gets to it like he does everything else at his on speed, at his own time; sometimes he forgets altogether. But, none the less, he is always "putting off" things he needs to do. Is it because it wasn't his own idea or because he didn't think it was important enough? In any case we'll never know. But, the moral of the story is that the women ends up doing it herself like she does everything else, she so smilingly admits like is incompetance is oh so cute!
Recently I read an article where women from countries where their men are each other are coming together in peace for the children. I't like wives telling their husbands to knock it off after they get sick of listening to the men fight with each other, or the kids fighting. Instead of fighting with other countries like children, women are getting together to talk friendly and to work things out. Women want to get things straightened, fixed and working well. Men love the game. Be it football or whatever; spectator or participant, they love the game. They love winning and stomping the weaker guy.
On the other hand a woman's main concern is the welfare of her family. Their main conern is for their children. They want peace and harmony. They are trying to fix the messes the men have made, so to speak, in all honesty. Men wish to be in power, but they all want to be the sheriff, the leader, the big shot and they are so worried about fighting the other guy to the top that they trample on the small in the crowd. On the other hand, the women are worried about the children and want a nice clean, quiet, peaceful home for their families. Where is the next meal going to come from? Who will take care of the sick? Men do not see this unless they become sick or injuried and then they join the ranks of the little ones and want mama to take care of them too. Sorry, I know that hurts.
I think more women are comparing scenes from the microcosym home scene to the macrocosym national or global scene. Women, your base roots systems, are seeing the big picture that men evidently cannot see because they can only focus on one thing - control. Sometimes like an abusive relatinship: If I pulls the reins tight enough she'll never leave me. Honey, mentally and emotionally, you do that and you have already lost her. So, my point, sometimes being so controlling is a sign of insecurity and in the long run fails this method fails miserably.
There are many in Hollywood who will protest at the annual presidental speech coming up at the end of the month. Yes, and it's not only women at this event who are protesting but many men feel the same way. Men who are grounded in their spirituality. In the long run, women will have to clean up after the mess has been made.
And I know men will let women take over because I have seen it on a small scale in the work place. Oh yes, with afirmative action in the late 70's women were allowed to work "men's" jobs. The men hollered and kicked and then soon stepped aside and let the women do all the hard work and he merely put in his time. Yes, if I can't have it my way, I'm not participating. This happens in all professions and you know it. Through the years, the men wanted the glory, the women who are the true back bones of the systems, did all the work. The man took the glory.
Remember the story of the first men in space? Women were trained and conditions for the job too, for science. I guess male scientist were just curious? The women actually faired better on physical and intellectual levels. Themen wouldn't have it!
Society (men) taught us from the beginning of time that a women's place was in the home (or as secretaries) to take care of the home and the children. Reality shows have taught us differently, haven't they? But, still men have to be "out time" working, well actually pushing their chests out and competing amongst one another. The good ole boys club (makes you wonder?)
The women were at home taking care of the financial, building, maintenance, health and general up keep of the family. Is this evolution at best? Has times changed? No? Compared to the hunter gatherers societies of the world. Compare women of the native Americans to women all over the world where the men went out to hunt while the women did the planting, childrearing, homecare the men did not want to be bothered with. Well, it seems women see that this needs to be done on a bigger scale - nationally and globally. The women will clean up the mess just like they always have.
Yes, things are going to get interesting now; because I do believe the men are getting frustrating; they are in too deep and do not know which way is up or out. Coutries like Liberia, Chile, Germany and so many others have already put many women in the higher positions. And like I mentioned earlier, educated women from different countries who are "enemies" are coming together to work things out peacefully.
When you truly think about it, there is no need for war. And how is it that killing is a crime unless it is done in the name of ware or religion? Double standards, you bet.
Spirituality - peaceful and empowering on a individual loving level. I think too that is why I believe I have experienced more women who are into spirituality than maybe men? This is my own observation.
Studying spirituality changes one's materalistic, competitive beliefs to ones of inner peace and tranquility and love. We choose when we went to be born, that is why your zodiac sign nails you. We choose when we want to leave. Have you ever witness someone who hangs on for someone else, until that person tells them it is okay to go? Have you heard of near death experiences; well, they changed their mind, perhaps. Someone was making them hang on, maybe themselves, having unfinished business realized. We are in control and we don't even know it. Our thoughts are very powerful and it's how we create our own environment. Think about it!
Watch "What the bleep do we know" again and then in February watch "How far down the rabbit hole to you want to go?" by the same people. It's good stuff and very impowering.
Our spirit guides are looking out for us. Remember too, people come into our lives for a reason and that is usually to teach us something, or we to teach each other. I love it. But you have to have your eyes, ears, and heart open to it. Look for it.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Was Just Thinking About You
Yeah, I was just thinking about you so I just wanted to say "hi". I hope you are doing well. I miss you! I would love to see you, please try to come by M's.
I'd call you but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I would push you further away. I'm afraid that you just don't like me very much. So, I'm just glad whenever I get to see you and so is everyone else.
I really have to watch what I write or what I say because sometimes I think God, what if I sound like my mother. I would hate to sound like her and I would diffinitely hate to hear it myself. You don't like me a lot as it is, I certainly don't want you to hate me.
You know I can relate a bit to how you might be feeling about me. For example, I used to be so in love with one of my girlfriends and it used to piss me off royally when one of the guys would ask me out. It was not what my heart wanted at all. I wanted so to be with her and again, I was so afraid if I told her or let her know I would lose her altogether. Besides she would probably have gotten a kick out of telling everyone that I came on to her and it would have a truly broke my heart. Is nothing cherished?
I don't give my heart easily and when I do it's for a long long time if I'm with that person or not. It's amazing the hold you have on me. When I do see you my heart races or maybe if it isa few months from now I won't really care at all. I was almost getting over you when I did see you at M's last time. Sometimes all that extra work is not worth it; besides when should I be walking on egg shells all the time? I know why, because I understand you! And I love what I understand about you. I now relationships are hard.
But, then I think about you and my heart aches for you. I do truly care about you. I wish you would let me love you - it's just love. A kind thing. A good thing. Just come to me and let me put my arms around you. Put you head on my lap and let me kiss your forehead while you talk to me. I think I miss that the most. I felt honored you felt safe enough to talk to me. You are so in my heart. But, I need a little loving myself, I'm afraid.
My new friend last night said I was a good catch and she had dated older women in the past and this gives me hope. she and I had a great discussion and we both agree that in the spirit world there is no gender and no age. I would truly like to know her better. I should have talked to her more in depth on the way home; she tried, but at that time I was beat. I'm a introvert (you know that) and after so many hours of being social; well, trying to balance the crowds...well, with my x being there it was harder.
T&J and K (new) said they couldn't believe my x was my x. It kind of hurt me for her, because she is a good person. Anyway, yes, I agreed I'm more active. We all had fun together and that is the important thing.
I would like to see more of K, I think. We could talk easily together. She said she wasn't flirting when I looked surprised when she complimented me last Tuesday. If she said it once, last night, she said it four times; that I was a catch. She asked why I wasn't with someone. I will talk more about it with her the next time I see her. She already knows the T story. She asked me my story last week. She's very nice and that is good for my heart.
I think K too was sent by the spirit gods, just like L, T, and you were to teach me things. I know they had to send her so I would stop limiting myself. I was getting depressed. My friends, all of my friends, are wonderful wonderful people and I enjoy each and every one of them. I am truly blessed. But, I know that K has a message for me. I think I have learned a lot already. When she was twenty-seven she dated a forty-seven year old (she's about thirty-four now) and this woman is still very important to her even though the women now lives in California. In fact, she is the first person K calls when she as any news or any kind.
Now see, I would like that you wouldn't have to be with me all the time. But, you know I think K is in my life to teach me more than the "age" lesson, but to teach me to let you go. God, that makes me want to cry. But, you know what, I know you have no feelings for me what so ever at this point.
I meant everything I ever said to you and I do and will always love you unconditionally. If someday your feelings change, just know that in your heart. You always have a friend in me. See, we were meant to meet up to help each other last spring. You helped me tremenously, never forget that. I adore you for it. I so apreciate how you helped me move and put my furniture together. God, I love you. Where was I when you needed me when you were a kid? I wish I could have been there for you and that breaks my heart. Sometimes I have visions in my head about how things might have been and it makes me want to gather you up into my arms. I just want to hold and love that little girl in you.
God, I can picture you there sometimes in those troubled times and I wish I could have been there for you. I wondered what you would have done if I would have held you. God, that breaks my heart. If you would read this, it would probably make you mad that I wrote it. It would probably seem invasive, like taking your picture does.
Please try not to leave my life. How do I get word to you? How do I let you know how much I care? I'm afraid; I'm so afraid. Do I take the chance and call you and leave a message and say it would be nice if you came up to M's on Tuesday.
I know you have feelings. I know you have deep feelings. I see all sorts of emotions in your eyes. I know you have a big heart. Why do you keep yourself away. Why do you start all over again...don't do that. I don't think our time that we need to spend together is finished just quit yet.
Can't we just spend time together? Talk to me. You see if there is any thread of hope that my caring about you ... do you feel bad that you shared such things with me; the things you told me. You do feel bad that you had a weak moment and shared painful things with me. You see, I use to feel that way when people cared about me. I hated being vulnerable.
I want to be here for you. You know I love you. I was fine with you and your girlfriend wasn't I? God, when I think of you standing in the shadows of the kitchen alone watching me as I put my dish back together and talked to that guy. From the corner of my eye, I saw you there watching me. When you said good-bye, I think you were mad at me for leaving your life. I think we still have a connection of the hearts. And can't hold you and love you like I did and not still love you!
I think towards the end you were testing my love. How long would I hang in there for you? How long was my love - unconditional? See, I did go back on my word. I didn't mean to leave you forever, I just needed my own space for a bit. We should have talked. I know we love each other because we cannot talk to each other. We both have tender sensitive hearts and what we felt for each other was true and real and of course it hurts us.
I don't want you to leave my life. I want so much to see that little car zip by me again this week. You now I felt your energy come up from behind me before you past me. I felt your spirit. I felt your energy. I felt your love...
I should have told you I am so proud of you. I get the biggest charge out of you. You are brilliant, intelligent, quick witted, and parallel park like a champion. I so love you nearly. K had to lower her passenger window and asked me how she did and she had at least two years front and back. You, you were perfect and fast and in there ordering before I hit the door. You forgot and smiled real big when you saw me. You forgot for a moment that you were mad at me. You were glad to see me and I you!
Now you and the new K could really hit it off and yes, that would bother me some. She is very social, very bright and been everywhere with her job. She speaks well too. You know, maybe you should stay away.
Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about my feelings..she is very easy to talk too. You are a bit like my x and I stamper and can't think because I feel under pressure sometimes around my x and you. I'm always on watch on edge and I can't relax but with K I can. Something for me to think about.
I have to reexamine my feelings maybe I hurt and feel more for the difficult ones; oh, let's say more complex personalities like you and L. K is very easy and I'm beginning to appreciate that. But, I can't think too much about her wanting to spend time with me, I just need to keep things casual. I'll just flirt a little at a time.
I'm not sure what I'm going to be like when I do see you. I know my heart will race. I have always loved out-of-reach hearts because love was never readily there for me when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I never felt loved and love was always just out of reach. My heart ached all the time, but I couldn't put a finger on it. I knew I had special feelings for women. I would get crushes and daydream about them all the time - and be happy. I must have looked dazed to other people. I lived in a fantasy world. Maybe K is here to add some reality. I truly need reality.
I truly need to be shown love, affection, sweetness, kindness. I'm talking Carmen from the L-word, hands on my face and touching me kindness. Real people are not like that..just name one of your friends that are? Okay, I have a couple for you already; let's see if I can remember their names..you were at their house new year's eve: Susan and Pat? Damn, I can't remember. Anyway all four girls were at Novak's the night she showed the L-Word. You called Casey; I was sitting right there.
If I keep writing like this, I'll get over you. It hurt when called someone else...god, I'm an idiot. See, there was something about your eyes, the first time that I looked into them. I knew you much better looking into your eyes right off the bat. I introducted myself. I asked what you did. I knew there was something going on by the short responses. You touched my heart.
I wish I could hold you...damn what is it about you that I love everything about you? And you know what? I wouldn't change a thing, because that is who you are and the same with me. I am who I am, I guess.
You know another thing I love about you...your patience. You never once corrected me or showed impatience. You know what? I think you are very loving and I mean that. Please come back?
Well, we'll see what this week brings. I hope the new girl likes me. I need somebody to like me; I need that pretty bad. I believe that the universe is right there with me and knows exactly what I need. K made me feel very good the other night. She hit the nail right on the head and cleared up some things about me that was bothering me. And I believe that that was no accident..there is a plan in hand.
I have to go now.. I love you....please know in your heart that you are always in my heart.
I'd call you but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I would push you further away. I'm afraid that you just don't like me very much. So, I'm just glad whenever I get to see you and so is everyone else.
I really have to watch what I write or what I say because sometimes I think God, what if I sound like my mother. I would hate to sound like her and I would diffinitely hate to hear it myself. You don't like me a lot as it is, I certainly don't want you to hate me.
You know I can relate a bit to how you might be feeling about me. For example, I used to be so in love with one of my girlfriends and it used to piss me off royally when one of the guys would ask me out. It was not what my heart wanted at all. I wanted so to be with her and again, I was so afraid if I told her or let her know I would lose her altogether. Besides she would probably have gotten a kick out of telling everyone that I came on to her and it would have a truly broke my heart. Is nothing cherished?
I don't give my heart easily and when I do it's for a long long time if I'm with that person or not. It's amazing the hold you have on me. When I do see you my heart races or maybe if it isa few months from now I won't really care at all. I was almost getting over you when I did see you at M's last time. Sometimes all that extra work is not worth it; besides when should I be walking on egg shells all the time? I know why, because I understand you! And I love what I understand about you. I now relationships are hard.
But, then I think about you and my heart aches for you. I do truly care about you. I wish you would let me love you - it's just love. A kind thing. A good thing. Just come to me and let me put my arms around you. Put you head on my lap and let me kiss your forehead while you talk to me. I think I miss that the most. I felt honored you felt safe enough to talk to me. You are so in my heart. But, I need a little loving myself, I'm afraid.
My new friend last night said I was a good catch and she had dated older women in the past and this gives me hope. she and I had a great discussion and we both agree that in the spirit world there is no gender and no age. I would truly like to know her better. I should have talked to her more in depth on the way home; she tried, but at that time I was beat. I'm a introvert (you know that) and after so many hours of being social; well, trying to balance the crowds...well, with my x being there it was harder.
T&J and K (new) said they couldn't believe my x was my x. It kind of hurt me for her, because she is a good person. Anyway, yes, I agreed I'm more active. We all had fun together and that is the important thing.
I would like to see more of K, I think. We could talk easily together. She said she wasn't flirting when I looked surprised when she complimented me last Tuesday. If she said it once, last night, she said it four times; that I was a catch. She asked why I wasn't with someone. I will talk more about it with her the next time I see her. She already knows the T story. She asked me my story last week. She's very nice and that is good for my heart.
I think K too was sent by the spirit gods, just like L, T, and you were to teach me things. I know they had to send her so I would stop limiting myself. I was getting depressed. My friends, all of my friends, are wonderful wonderful people and I enjoy each and every one of them. I am truly blessed. But, I know that K has a message for me. I think I have learned a lot already. When she was twenty-seven she dated a forty-seven year old (she's about thirty-four now) and this woman is still very important to her even though the women now lives in California. In fact, she is the first person K calls when she as any news or any kind.
Now see, I would like that you wouldn't have to be with me all the time. But, you know I think K is in my life to teach me more than the "age" lesson, but to teach me to let you go. God, that makes me want to cry. But, you know what, I know you have no feelings for me what so ever at this point.
I meant everything I ever said to you and I do and will always love you unconditionally. If someday your feelings change, just know that in your heart. You always have a friend in me. See, we were meant to meet up to help each other last spring. You helped me tremenously, never forget that. I adore you for it. I so apreciate how you helped me move and put my furniture together. God, I love you. Where was I when you needed me when you were a kid? I wish I could have been there for you and that breaks my heart. Sometimes I have visions in my head about how things might have been and it makes me want to gather you up into my arms. I just want to hold and love that little girl in you.
God, I can picture you there sometimes in those troubled times and I wish I could have been there for you. I wondered what you would have done if I would have held you. God, that breaks my heart. If you would read this, it would probably make you mad that I wrote it. It would probably seem invasive, like taking your picture does.
Please try not to leave my life. How do I get word to you? How do I let you know how much I care? I'm afraid; I'm so afraid. Do I take the chance and call you and leave a message and say it would be nice if you came up to M's on Tuesday.
I know you have feelings. I know you have deep feelings. I see all sorts of emotions in your eyes. I know you have a big heart. Why do you keep yourself away. Why do you start all over again...don't do that. I don't think our time that we need to spend together is finished just quit yet.
Can't we just spend time together? Talk to me. You see if there is any thread of hope that my caring about you ... do you feel bad that you shared such things with me; the things you told me. You do feel bad that you had a weak moment and shared painful things with me. You see, I use to feel that way when people cared about me. I hated being vulnerable.
I want to be here for you. You know I love you. I was fine with you and your girlfriend wasn't I? God, when I think of you standing in the shadows of the kitchen alone watching me as I put my dish back together and talked to that guy. From the corner of my eye, I saw you there watching me. When you said good-bye, I think you were mad at me for leaving your life. I think we still have a connection of the hearts. And can't hold you and love you like I did and not still love you!
I think towards the end you were testing my love. How long would I hang in there for you? How long was my love - unconditional? See, I did go back on my word. I didn't mean to leave you forever, I just needed my own space for a bit. We should have talked. I know we love each other because we cannot talk to each other. We both have tender sensitive hearts and what we felt for each other was true and real and of course it hurts us.
I don't want you to leave my life. I want so much to see that little car zip by me again this week. You now I felt your energy come up from behind me before you past me. I felt your spirit. I felt your energy. I felt your love...
I should have told you I am so proud of you. I get the biggest charge out of you. You are brilliant, intelligent, quick witted, and parallel park like a champion. I so love you nearly. K had to lower her passenger window and asked me how she did and she had at least two years front and back. You, you were perfect and fast and in there ordering before I hit the door. You forgot and smiled real big when you saw me. You forgot for a moment that you were mad at me. You were glad to see me and I you!
Now you and the new K could really hit it off and yes, that would bother me some. She is very social, very bright and been everywhere with her job. She speaks well too. You know, maybe you should stay away.
Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about my feelings..she is very easy to talk too. You are a bit like my x and I stamper and can't think because I feel under pressure sometimes around my x and you. I'm always on watch on edge and I can't relax but with K I can. Something for me to think about.
I have to reexamine my feelings maybe I hurt and feel more for the difficult ones; oh, let's say more complex personalities like you and L. K is very easy and I'm beginning to appreciate that. But, I can't think too much about her wanting to spend time with me, I just need to keep things casual. I'll just flirt a little at a time.
I'm not sure what I'm going to be like when I do see you. I know my heart will race. I have always loved out-of-reach hearts because love was never readily there for me when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I never felt loved and love was always just out of reach. My heart ached all the time, but I couldn't put a finger on it. I knew I had special feelings for women. I would get crushes and daydream about them all the time - and be happy. I must have looked dazed to other people. I lived in a fantasy world. Maybe K is here to add some reality. I truly need reality.
I truly need to be shown love, affection, sweetness, kindness. I'm talking Carmen from the L-word, hands on my face and touching me kindness. Real people are not like that..just name one of your friends that are? Okay, I have a couple for you already; let's see if I can remember their names..you were at their house new year's eve: Susan and Pat? Damn, I can't remember. Anyway all four girls were at Novak's the night she showed the L-Word. You called Casey; I was sitting right there.
If I keep writing like this, I'll get over you. It hurt when called someone else...god, I'm an idiot. See, there was something about your eyes, the first time that I looked into them. I knew you much better looking into your eyes right off the bat. I introducted myself. I asked what you did. I knew there was something going on by the short responses. You touched my heart.
I wish I could hold you...damn what is it about you that I love everything about you? And you know what? I wouldn't change a thing, because that is who you are and the same with me. I am who I am, I guess.
You know another thing I love about you...your patience. You never once corrected me or showed impatience. You know what? I think you are very loving and I mean that. Please come back?
Well, we'll see what this week brings. I hope the new girl likes me. I need somebody to like me; I need that pretty bad. I believe that the universe is right there with me and knows exactly what I need. K made me feel very good the other night. She hit the nail right on the head and cleared up some things about me that was bothering me. And I believe that that was no accident..there is a plan in hand.
I have to go now.. I love you....please know in your heart that you are always in my heart.
Oh the Power of Love and WOMEN!
It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863)
It's been a good day after last nights funk. I had lunch with about twenty women and then went eagle watching near the river..saw one.
Lunch was very pleasant a landmark spaghetti locate. I love the warehouse type building made of brick and loads and loads of decorative ornate varnished wood. We were intertained by the singing and guitar talents of Julie and Robin. Later the party moved to the great outdoors to spy on fishing and soaring eagles. By spirts took flight along with the eagles and fun company of lovely women.
I love the article in today's paper: In times of trouble, the world increasingly is turning to WOMEN to clean up the mess left behind by the bad-old-boy (and might I add white) networks.
Well, let's just look at the difference between boy and girls to get a better perspective. I'm referring to the old standard adages between boys and girls. Girls are sweet, polite and can usually see the effects of their actions on others and boy like to tease, punch, boss, direct, teach and preach. Once more they preach as if they know something and they usually don't. I'm merely speaking from my own experiences only..
Boys like to play war, cowboys, be aggressive, fight, and play with guns and projectiles. The only difference between boys and men is age and bigger toys. Let's face it males are more apt to fight and aggressive work out their differences.
If women can be elected presidents and high officials in Chile, Liberia and Germany why not the United States.
Today, as everyday at one point or another, I think about the one that felt so good in my arms. I hope she is okay and I hope to see her in forty-eight hours at the usual place.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863)
It's been a good day after last nights funk. I had lunch with about twenty women and then went eagle watching near the river..saw one.
Lunch was very pleasant a landmark spaghetti locate. I love the warehouse type building made of brick and loads and loads of decorative ornate varnished wood. We were intertained by the singing and guitar talents of Julie and Robin. Later the party moved to the great outdoors to spy on fishing and soaring eagles. By spirts took flight along with the eagles and fun company of lovely women.
I love the article in today's paper: In times of trouble, the world increasingly is turning to WOMEN to clean up the mess left behind by the bad-old-boy (and might I add white) networks.
Well, let's just look at the difference between boy and girls to get a better perspective. I'm referring to the old standard adages between boys and girls. Girls are sweet, polite and can usually see the effects of their actions on others and boy like to tease, punch, boss, direct, teach and preach. Once more they preach as if they know something and they usually don't. I'm merely speaking from my own experiences only..
Boys like to play war, cowboys, be aggressive, fight, and play with guns and projectiles. The only difference between boys and men is age and bigger toys. Let's face it males are more apt to fight and aggressive work out their differences.
If women can be elected presidents and high officials in Chile, Liberia and Germany why not the United States.
Today, as everyday at one point or another, I think about the one that felt so good in my arms. I hope she is okay and I hope to see her in forty-eight hours at the usual place.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
You're Really A Catch!
What the hell does that mean? I'm really a catch? For who? And why would you think it and not want me but tell me that I am? I don't get it? And why tell me if you are not interested? The other night when she said it, I must have looked surprised and she said she was not flirting. Tonight she said it at least three times. She was surpriseed as hell that I was ever with my x, who also was there this evening. In fact T&J and K (new girl) were surprised.
Of course, I know about nothing when it comes to relationships. I know nothing. Whew, life is tough!
She has had relationships with older women! She told me this. I told her I had a relationship with a younger woman. I told her that. She tells me again that I'm quite the catch.
It was mutual, her and I deciding to ride together this evening. She lives very close to me.
God, spirit guides, Ezekiel (where ever you are) help me. I don't know what I'm doing. My heart is mush and my brian is confused and I haven't had loving for months. Who in the hell could think straight? God help me?
Please god help me.. I can't have my heart broken again... I just can't go through it again. Please help me. If someone does care for me please make it obvious so I get the signals. And god, please let it be someone very nice like the new girl K. I do really like her, we just sort of gravitate to each other. God, please help me..
I just can't take another heart break so I'm really shying away from this one. Personally, I do not think that she is interested at all. She's just very nice.
God help me I can't go through it again, it's too painful. Now, I'm depressed, I really don't feel like going tomorrow...but I committed. See, committing to seomthing is not good for me because things keep changing in my life.
And of course, my x made me feel guilty. Well, I know that I'm the only one who can make me feel guilty. But, I confus guilt with duty or what's expected or I don't know. My family used guilt to control me.
God, I'm begging of you please help me. K has helped me take my mind off of my summer love. I wish I had someone to hold me. I just need someone warm, caring to hold me such for a few minutes.
I know it isn't going to happen. For one thing, people get weird if signs of need are shown. So, god please help me I'm begging of you. I need someone to love me. Just care about. Kiss me on the forehead hold me love me then you can go away for a long while. Or you fucking kidding, the last time I got shown affection was the first time in my life by a doctor just two years ago. And I felt more love from her then ever before in my life...so it wouldn't take much to comfort me and I don't expect anyone to really care for any longer than ten minutes. So you see, I am well conditioned - you wouldn't even have to put much effort into it. I just need to be held....
Damn, my life sucks!
Of course, I know about nothing when it comes to relationships. I know nothing. Whew, life is tough!
She has had relationships with older women! She told me this. I told her I had a relationship with a younger woman. I told her that. She tells me again that I'm quite the catch.
It was mutual, her and I deciding to ride together this evening. She lives very close to me.
God, spirit guides, Ezekiel (where ever you are) help me. I don't know what I'm doing. My heart is mush and my brian is confused and I haven't had loving for months. Who in the hell could think straight? God help me?
Please god help me.. I can't have my heart broken again... I just can't go through it again. Please help me. If someone does care for me please make it obvious so I get the signals. And god, please let it be someone very nice like the new girl K. I do really like her, we just sort of gravitate to each other. God, please help me..
I just can't take another heart break so I'm really shying away from this one. Personally, I do not think that she is interested at all. She's just very nice.
God help me I can't go through it again, it's too painful. Now, I'm depressed, I really don't feel like going tomorrow...but I committed. See, committing to seomthing is not good for me because things keep changing in my life.
And of course, my x made me feel guilty. Well, I know that I'm the only one who can make me feel guilty. But, I confus guilt with duty or what's expected or I don't know. My family used guilt to control me.
God, I'm begging of you please help me. K has helped me take my mind off of my summer love. I wish I had someone to hold me. I just need someone warm, caring to hold me such for a few minutes.
I know it isn't going to happen. For one thing, people get weird if signs of need are shown. So, god please help me I'm begging of you. I need someone to love me. Just care about. Kiss me on the forehead hold me love me then you can go away for a long while. Or you fucking kidding, the last time I got shown affection was the first time in my life by a doctor just two years ago. And I felt more love from her then ever before in my life...so it wouldn't take much to comfort me and I don't expect anyone to really care for any longer than ten minutes. So you see, I am well conditioned - you wouldn't even have to put much effort into it. I just need to be held....
Damn, my life sucks!
Where are you?
One of these days please come around to one of the events or just stop by to visit me. You know, if you are in the neighborhood. I want to hear how things are going for you. I wish you would blogtoy. I love the way you write and I would love to hear what is going on with you.
I had another mother and sister dream last night. I wonder why I'm having them again? I hope it is not a premonition of some sort? See I'm filled with paranoia. Anyway, they told me to go somewhere and I automatically in knee-jerk style agreed. Then thought what am I doing. I have erased everything I had done. I caved!
Most of my scary dreams take place in the isolated farm house near the tracks where I called home all of my youth except the first six. Many times, I was home alone and had to keep the door locked. The dream was about a car pulling right up to the house one night and I had curtains and lights on and hustled to close them and lock the door...I was too late. I scared myself awake.
One day when I was a kid my mother was about to head outside one morning and just as she went for the door handle, it turned. Someone form the outside was trying it, to see if it was locked. At that point and time many homeless people, we called bums walked along the train heading south for work. Sometimes she would walk the very short distance to the house and knock on the door and ask for sandwicks or ask to sleep in the born. I was scared.
Anyway, most of my fearful dreams of in that house, even now.
Well, I got ten minutes and kristi will be here to keep me up to go to taser tag; I wish you were going. T&J are. R&W planned it. I've done it before and it will be loads of fun.
My running group is my best group of friends I think; they are the most friendiest and are easy to talk with. Sometimes I have to look pretty hard for things to talk about in the social group; no one interest me there. Hmm, just like when I was straight. I was there/somewhere just to be doing something, I wasn't really looking; well, same here.
The body shots so turned me off. I don't know.
Oh, oh, I think the neighbors next to me upstairs just got a puppy and left it and it is barkin continuously. I'm hoping its the people downstairs because they look like they might be around more. The new couple upstairs; well, I know she works long hours. Wish me luck!
I had another mother and sister dream last night. I wonder why I'm having them again? I hope it is not a premonition of some sort? See I'm filled with paranoia. Anyway, they told me to go somewhere and I automatically in knee-jerk style agreed. Then thought what am I doing. I have erased everything I had done. I caved!
Most of my scary dreams take place in the isolated farm house near the tracks where I called home all of my youth except the first six. Many times, I was home alone and had to keep the door locked. The dream was about a car pulling right up to the house one night and I had curtains and lights on and hustled to close them and lock the door...I was too late. I scared myself awake.
One day when I was a kid my mother was about to head outside one morning and just as she went for the door handle, it turned. Someone form the outside was trying it, to see if it was locked. At that point and time many homeless people, we called bums walked along the train heading south for work. Sometimes she would walk the very short distance to the house and knock on the door and ask for sandwicks or ask to sleep in the born. I was scared.
Anyway, most of my fearful dreams of in that house, even now.
Well, I got ten minutes and kristi will be here to keep me up to go to taser tag; I wish you were going. T&J are. R&W planned it. I've done it before and it will be loads of fun.
My running group is my best group of friends I think; they are the most friendiest and are easy to talk with. Sometimes I have to look pretty hard for things to talk about in the social group; no one interest me there. Hmm, just like when I was straight. I was there/somewhere just to be doing something, I wasn't really looking; well, same here.
The body shots so turned me off. I don't know.
Oh, oh, I think the neighbors next to me upstairs just got a puppy and left it and it is barkin continuously. I'm hoping its the people downstairs because they look like they might be around more. The new couple upstairs; well, I know she works long hours. Wish me luck!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Back Home Again
It is nice to be back home in my coziness with my best friend, Emma. My place is all cleaned and straightened up for me to enjoy tomorrow after after the usual run in the morning.
I missed my summer love this evening; I think it will take a long time to find someone as fine that I will feel like seeing intimately. I don't know and if I don't find another - I really don't care. It's the quality not the quanity.
I should have come straight home after the friendly place watching Julie play was cool. Pretty much like at M's thou about the same outside crowd. I missed you. I liked being with you and sitting next to you close. I'm just a one woman woman. No one else appeals to me - no one. I guess I'm just not over you. Maybe I do do relationships?
I guess I've learned my lesson, whatever that is. Maybe, you were in my life for me and not me for you. I know you helped me through my non-family transition and I still haven't spoken or seen them and still don't want to. I do not miss them at all. I should have dissappeared a long time ago and moved here.
I'm a little sad now so I guess I'm going to sleep. Runners in the morning and laser tag at four in the afternoon and that will be fun. But, once again I'll miss you because it will remind me of the water gun fight. I'll miss your laugh. I miss everything about you. You were so over me even then weren't you. You already had the new one in the background didn't you. I'm such a fool! I wish I didn't have this tender heart that loves...I wish I didn't.
I'm sad because I don't feel any interest for anyone else. I'm just not interested. I'm tired of all the bullshit and two timing that goes on. But, I would love to have my summer back but farther back than that? No thanks. I'll stay single - and alone whatever....alone is good!
Sometimes I just push myself to go out and socialize. It' nice when people include me, but like I said.. I have no interest out there. I guess I was more serious about you then what I thought. Who says there is no such thing as love at first sight? I firmly believe in it. Only, it needs to hit both parties at the same time...
I hope you are doing okay and are happy. I know you never think of me now. I hope she treats you okay. Please take care of yourself. You are one very special person!
Well, I started out this evening in a good mood - what happened?
I missed my summer love this evening; I think it will take a long time to find someone as fine that I will feel like seeing intimately. I don't know and if I don't find another - I really don't care. It's the quality not the quanity.
I should have come straight home after the friendly place watching Julie play was cool. Pretty much like at M's thou about the same outside crowd. I missed you. I liked being with you and sitting next to you close. I'm just a one woman woman. No one else appeals to me - no one. I guess I'm just not over you. Maybe I do do relationships?
I guess I've learned my lesson, whatever that is. Maybe, you were in my life for me and not me for you. I know you helped me through my non-family transition and I still haven't spoken or seen them and still don't want to. I do not miss them at all. I should have dissappeared a long time ago and moved here.
I'm a little sad now so I guess I'm going to sleep. Runners in the morning and laser tag at four in the afternoon and that will be fun. But, once again I'll miss you because it will remind me of the water gun fight. I'll miss your laugh. I miss everything about you. You were so over me even then weren't you. You already had the new one in the background didn't you. I'm such a fool! I wish I didn't have this tender heart that loves...I wish I didn't.
I'm sad because I don't feel any interest for anyone else. I'm just not interested. I'm tired of all the bullshit and two timing that goes on. But, I would love to have my summer back but farther back than that? No thanks. I'll stay single - and alone whatever....alone is good!
Sometimes I just push myself to go out and socialize. It' nice when people include me, but like I said.. I have no interest out there. I guess I was more serious about you then what I thought. Who says there is no such thing as love at first sight? I firmly believe in it. Only, it needs to hit both parties at the same time...
I hope you are doing okay and are happy. I know you never think of me now. I hope she treats you okay. Please take care of yourself. You are one very special person!
Well, I started out this evening in a good mood - what happened?
Now, after the running...
My toes hurt (I guess after running nine miles, I'm lucky if that is all that hurts) but I'm in a much better state of mind.
I'm in a good mood. Running just kind of clears my emotional head. Of course for most of the run, I thought about you. I believe too that I figured some things out. But, since I'm been back home, I forgot what they were.
I am so attracted to the untouchable. Well, really I'm not. I saw you, I looked into your eyes and fell in love with you. Amen. End of story! And I still love you, as complicated as you are - I love you.
A gal about your age told me I was a real catch! You know, I'm probably going to hang onto that for every cent it is worth and for a long time. But, I saw my reflection today in a window while running and I am cute! My hair longer and I love it. I look too! I am a catch!
But, you know what? It still doesn't get you "who" you want! Oh well! I think I'll have fun with this and flirt tonight. Might as well put my, could only be temorary, self-confidence to good use. I'll do a little flirty, but only if I see something worth flirting with. I just want to have fun.
I think I have discovered something through the years and that is what ever I feel inside gets put "out there" for people to interpret it the same way I feel it. One particular evening at a bar after I rode 30 miles, ran and who knows what else I was looking good. I was at my idea weight and fit and just felt very confident. Actually, I was ending my straight life as I knew it. Anyway, a guy wanted to dance with me because he thought that I was cool. He said I was self-confident and liked that. I was flattered and realized too that whatever you feel inside gets displayed on your outside in your posture, your eyes, and your smile for all the world to view.
So, we do make a difference and we do create our own realities. I'm going to knock 'em dead. I do that when I run too. That is, make sure I use good posture and run with confidence. I have to look good; I feel good!
It's 61 degrees out it was a wonderful running day; the breeze is first pitching up. Yes, I think I'll go out tonight and just see......
We shouldn't have run our relationship in the ground. We should have set ground rules. I don't care if you date others just as long as you see me once in a while. Try that! Maybe you won't burn the new one in the ground. You go full force and then fizzle.
I have no idea what I do; I haven't had that much experience dating because of being in a long relationship. Bottom line is: I don't know how to date. And I don't want a long relationship. And I want someone cute and adorable like you. You hate that don't you! :) And I love it so much! I want you!
I wish you would come out tonight and show yourself so I can flirt with you. I'm not telling where everyone is going; but it's a friendly place in E's neighborhood. I think C left before they mentioned it the other night - but maybe not. Anyway, they are gathering at seven. I think I'll get a salad.
Well, have to go practice a bit on my guitar. Maybe I better clean up my condo first.... and vacuum a little....I want it to be presentable. :)
I'm in a good mood. Running just kind of clears my emotional head. Of course for most of the run, I thought about you. I believe too that I figured some things out. But, since I'm been back home, I forgot what they were.
I am so attracted to the untouchable. Well, really I'm not. I saw you, I looked into your eyes and fell in love with you. Amen. End of story! And I still love you, as complicated as you are - I love you.
A gal about your age told me I was a real catch! You know, I'm probably going to hang onto that for every cent it is worth and for a long time. But, I saw my reflection today in a window while running and I am cute! My hair longer and I love it. I look too! I am a catch!
But, you know what? It still doesn't get you "who" you want! Oh well! I think I'll have fun with this and flirt tonight. Might as well put my, could only be temorary, self-confidence to good use. I'll do a little flirty, but only if I see something worth flirting with. I just want to have fun.
I think I have discovered something through the years and that is what ever I feel inside gets put "out there" for people to interpret it the same way I feel it. One particular evening at a bar after I rode 30 miles, ran and who knows what else I was looking good. I was at my idea weight and fit and just felt very confident. Actually, I was ending my straight life as I knew it. Anyway, a guy wanted to dance with me because he thought that I was cool. He said I was self-confident and liked that. I was flattered and realized too that whatever you feel inside gets displayed on your outside in your posture, your eyes, and your smile for all the world to view.
So, we do make a difference and we do create our own realities. I'm going to knock 'em dead. I do that when I run too. That is, make sure I use good posture and run with confidence. I have to look good; I feel good!
It's 61 degrees out it was a wonderful running day; the breeze is first pitching up. Yes, I think I'll go out tonight and just see......
We shouldn't have run our relationship in the ground. We should have set ground rules. I don't care if you date others just as long as you see me once in a while. Try that! Maybe you won't burn the new one in the ground. You go full force and then fizzle.
I have no idea what I do; I haven't had that much experience dating because of being in a long relationship. Bottom line is: I don't know how to date. And I don't want a long relationship. And I want someone cute and adorable like you. You hate that don't you! :) And I love it so much! I want you!
I wish you would come out tonight and show yourself so I can flirt with you. I'm not telling where everyone is going; but it's a friendly place in E's neighborhood. I think C left before they mentioned it the other night - but maybe not. Anyway, they are gathering at seven. I think I'll get a salad.
Well, have to go practice a bit on my guitar. Maybe I better clean up my condo first.... and vacuum a little....I want it to be presentable. :)
Running..
It's fifty degrees - I'm running...I love you
Even the water company man noticed Emma's back legs droop at bit when she walks....I'm going to need you. I wish I had you in my life. I wish we could talk and I wish you loved me.
Guess I'll make an appointment with Ezekiel. I need to know where I'm headed.
Running is a good word to describe me; because I run as fast as I can from commitment and relationships. Lots of people run from things they desperately need but don't know how to handle. In this life the problem is not only cooping with the bad but also accepting (cooping in my case) with the good. I think my summer love is a little like that. When things get serious or when feelings begin to submerge its time to get out.
I need the good doctor's arms around me. See, I knew that was only temporarly too. God, I need help.
And if you think that time straightens things out....bullshit...as George Carlin would say...bullshit!
Even the water company man noticed Emma's back legs droop at bit when she walks....I'm going to need you. I wish I had you in my life. I wish we could talk and I wish you loved me.
Guess I'll make an appointment with Ezekiel. I need to know where I'm headed.
Running is a good word to describe me; because I run as fast as I can from commitment and relationships. Lots of people run from things they desperately need but don't know how to handle. In this life the problem is not only cooping with the bad but also accepting (cooping in my case) with the good. I think my summer love is a little like that. When things get serious or when feelings begin to submerge its time to get out.
I need the good doctor's arms around me. See, I knew that was only temporarly too. God, I need help.
And if you think that time straightens things out....bullshit...as George Carlin would say...bullshit!
I guess I have a lot to say...
I'm back again. Well, I didn't run; I decided it was too windy, but I should have done something active because it lifts my spirit and enhances my mood.
I started out in a good mood and ended in a bad mood. I'm a catholic survivor filled with guilt. Now that is abuse if I have ever seen it..religion, so self serving. Sometimes I do not allow myself leisure time even though I have plenty of it. I have to tell myself I need not feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive every minutes; like I have to account to someone.
I guess I was just in a guilty mood, I felt guilty when I saw my X. I feel guilty that I can't make everyone happy. I feel guilty and hoped I did not cause my summer love pain. I'd rather be kicked in the gut than cause her pain. I'd rather have her hate me than to have ever caused her pain. Damn, I hope I didn't cause her pain. I hope I didn't break her heart and she just pretended to be sick of me.
Hopfully, she is just fine. I only miss her, that's all. But, loving from a distance and painfully so, is typical for me. I don't know how to love any other way. It is how I loved as a child and as an adult and usually my loves were one-way loves. Usually, the other person never even knew I loved them. You see, I have to be safe and if I keep a distance no one can hurt me. But, I end up hurting even worse, because I dangle love out in the front of me and never catch up to it. It's always a safe distance away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I pushed her away and now I miss her. I guess I didn't have to push very hard because she is so gone. And tonight I'm feeling rather lonely. Usually, I'm fine but tonight I guess I just lost hope. You see, I was hoping to see her last week. It has been two weeks and I was hoping to see her again. I need to know that she is okay and I miss her. I just plain straight-out miss her.
Well, I can't talk to her about it, I'm afraid if I do I will only push her further away. I can only smile and she smiles back. I'll be fine, I'm just having a low night. It just felt so right when things were good. I felt that I belonged in her life. I wanted to love her and care for her.
She can't love in return and maybe I was beginning to feel rejected. But, I would like to try again; I think I understand her better now.
Here I go again, loving someone who can't love me in return. But, this one, is special. I don't want her to be without someone in her life. My heart aches for her.
I need to get over her and tend to my own needs...but she is what I need. I have never felt needed before; not like this.
Damn, this is hard.
I want you back.
She is probably just fine. She is probably a heck of a lot happier right at this moment than I am. She's probably getting a lot of loving and sex. The hell with her, look out for yourself for a change. She should have been loving me in return and she doesn't have the capacity to love. She gets her needs met so stop worrying about her. She certainly isn't worred about me. I don't see her trying to contact me or looking for me; or even trying to carry on a conversation with me.
If you want to pray for her....fine! But just let her go. She has been taking care of herself for years now; she doesn't need anybody.. She certainly doesn't need or WANT you. So let her go. She is the type of person that when she wants someone she's go after them. So let her go. She is a big girl she will be just fine.
But, I need to love her........
Tough shit! You are out of the game....get over it!!! And stop whinning!
Well, that arguement with myself went well.....
I started out in a good mood and ended in a bad mood. I'm a catholic survivor filled with guilt. Now that is abuse if I have ever seen it..religion, so self serving. Sometimes I do not allow myself leisure time even though I have plenty of it. I have to tell myself I need not feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive every minutes; like I have to account to someone.
I guess I was just in a guilty mood, I felt guilty when I saw my X. I feel guilty that I can't make everyone happy. I feel guilty and hoped I did not cause my summer love pain. I'd rather be kicked in the gut than cause her pain. I'd rather have her hate me than to have ever caused her pain. Damn, I hope I didn't cause her pain. I hope I didn't break her heart and she just pretended to be sick of me.
Hopfully, she is just fine. I only miss her, that's all. But, loving from a distance and painfully so, is typical for me. I don't know how to love any other way. It is how I loved as a child and as an adult and usually my loves were one-way loves. Usually, the other person never even knew I loved them. You see, I have to be safe and if I keep a distance no one can hurt me. But, I end up hurting even worse, because I dangle love out in the front of me and never catch up to it. It's always a safe distance away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I pushed her away and now I miss her. I guess I didn't have to push very hard because she is so gone. And tonight I'm feeling rather lonely. Usually, I'm fine but tonight I guess I just lost hope. You see, I was hoping to see her last week. It has been two weeks and I was hoping to see her again. I need to know that she is okay and I miss her. I just plain straight-out miss her.
Well, I can't talk to her about it, I'm afraid if I do I will only push her further away. I can only smile and she smiles back. I'll be fine, I'm just having a low night. It just felt so right when things were good. I felt that I belonged in her life. I wanted to love her and care for her.
She can't love in return and maybe I was beginning to feel rejected. But, I would like to try again; I think I understand her better now.
Here I go again, loving someone who can't love me in return. But, this one, is special. I don't want her to be without someone in her life. My heart aches for her.
I need to get over her and tend to my own needs...but she is what I need. I have never felt needed before; not like this.
Damn, this is hard.
I want you back.
She is probably just fine. She is probably a heck of a lot happier right at this moment than I am. She's probably getting a lot of loving and sex. The hell with her, look out for yourself for a change. She should have been loving me in return and she doesn't have the capacity to love. She gets her needs met so stop worrying about her. She certainly isn't worred about me. I don't see her trying to contact me or looking for me; or even trying to carry on a conversation with me.
If you want to pray for her....fine! But just let her go. She has been taking care of herself for years now; she doesn't need anybody.. She certainly doesn't need or WANT you. So let her go. She is the type of person that when she wants someone she's go after them. So let her go. She is a big girl she will be just fine.
But, I need to love her........
Tough shit! You are out of the game....get over it!!! And stop whinning!
Well, that arguement with myself went well.....
Thursday, January 19, 2006
KNock OUt
Okay, I think the Accel Gel wins out over the GU energy gel. I get a little giggy and high on the Accel Gel. My hair is getting longer (has nothing to do the the Accel Gel or maybe?) anyway I like it. I look into the mirrow and go: "You are one fucking knock-out". I'm sick :) Just plain sick :)
Damn, it's 65 degrees outside. I think I'll walk Emma and then decide if I want to run or not. It's terribly windy however..well, I'll see.
If I don't get blown away... I'll be back.
Damn, it's 65 degrees outside. I think I'll walk Emma and then decide if I want to run or not. It's terribly windy however..well, I'll see.
If I don't get blown away... I'll be back.
LAzer TAg - ya little shit!
Damn, I wish you were going to go along tomorrow night and play lazer tag with us. There are 23 I think going R&W organized it. Many from Frontrunners. I wish someone would have contacted you. I know if I did you wouldn't go anyway. Damn I miss you.
Anyway you would love this. I'll tell ya what. I'll get one going for the social group and get you included if you are interested; that is, if I don't see you this weekend.
I have to be real careful here not to sound like my mother or possibly your mother because I know for sure that would push you away from here to Hawaii.
Little shit...one of these days I'm going to stop caring......
Anyway you would love this. I'll tell ya what. I'll get one going for the social group and get you included if you are interested; that is, if I don't see you this weekend.
I have to be real careful here not to sound like my mother or possibly your mother because I know for sure that would push you away from here to Hawaii.
Little shit...one of these days I'm going to stop caring......
Things that are meant to happen
I just thought of this so I have to write about it. How many times have to wante to talk to something but it's in a crowded place and you don't want everyone in on the conversation and you don't want the conversation to be obvious. So, needless to say, the words don't get spoken.
Well, I want a conversation with my summer love so I just have to get my head and heart in a right place and then I think it will happen. I guess the other night when I saw her at the counter, was not the time. Well, she had that look on her face like - get the fuck out of my space. Maybe that deterred me slightly, you think? Anyway, the thought of me bothering some one that much really troubles me and so I want to ge to the bottom of it. So, Please present yourself somewhere so I can have a conversation with you. You know the two places just be at one of them - soon. This treatment is killing me and I'm afraid if I try to say anything I'll push you further away. But, I wan to know exactly where I stand.
Now here is the weird thing. Last Tuesday evening I'm sitting next to C (the new girl) at a long table - people all around. Full moon, so they are all talking amongst themselves. It was extremely easy for C to ask me my story ("Your quit a catch you know" - that is what she said. Too cute!). I'm eating that up you know and will for a long time. Anyway, in such a crowded space I know I have her full attention and no one else is listening. Once more we can hear each other fine. It was miraculous as for as I'm concerned and evident that it was meant that she hear "my story". Now, if I would have been trying to speak to my summer love: First of all, we wouldn't ge sitting close together we are avoiding each other apparently - and I love her so much and yet I can't even sit by her. I feel I should try to sit way far away from her so she is not uncomfortable. And we could never had a dissent conversation like C and I did because everyone would be in on it.
So, it seemed very odd and yet very purposeful, like it was meant to happen that C and I had this conversation. How odd is that! I guess full moon and timing is everything.
How I would love to have an intimate detailed conversation with my summer love. Well, here's another factor. C was interested and wanted to know and I was willing to tell. I don't think summer love is at least bit interested but probably rather gets a kick out of being cool and distant. Have you ever just taken a piece of 8 x 11 writting or typing paper and hated what was on it and just crumbled it up between your hands forcefully and then just picked it to the fall? Well, that is my heart in her hands.
Well, I want a conversation with my summer love so I just have to get my head and heart in a right place and then I think it will happen. I guess the other night when I saw her at the counter, was not the time. Well, she had that look on her face like - get the fuck out of my space. Maybe that deterred me slightly, you think? Anyway, the thought of me bothering some one that much really troubles me and so I want to ge to the bottom of it. So, Please present yourself somewhere so I can have a conversation with you. You know the two places just be at one of them - soon. This treatment is killing me and I'm afraid if I try to say anything I'll push you further away. But, I wan to know exactly where I stand.
Now here is the weird thing. Last Tuesday evening I'm sitting next to C (the new girl) at a long table - people all around. Full moon, so they are all talking amongst themselves. It was extremely easy for C to ask me my story ("Your quit a catch you know" - that is what she said. Too cute!). I'm eating that up you know and will for a long time. Anyway, in such a crowded space I know I have her full attention and no one else is listening. Once more we can hear each other fine. It was miraculous as for as I'm concerned and evident that it was meant that she hear "my story". Now, if I would have been trying to speak to my summer love: First of all, we wouldn't ge sitting close together we are avoiding each other apparently - and I love her so much and yet I can't even sit by her. I feel I should try to sit way far away from her so she is not uncomfortable. And we could never had a dissent conversation like C and I did because everyone would be in on it.
So, it seemed very odd and yet very purposeful, like it was meant to happen that C and I had this conversation. How odd is that! I guess full moon and timing is everything.
How I would love to have an intimate detailed conversation with my summer love. Well, here's another factor. C was interested and wanted to know and I was willing to tell. I don't think summer love is at least bit interested but probably rather gets a kick out of being cool and distant. Have you ever just taken a piece of 8 x 11 writting or typing paper and hated what was on it and just crumbled it up between your hands forcefully and then just picked it to the fall? Well, that is my heart in her hands.
I do it all the time - smile that is!
I was running the other day near the shopping center when I passed two people in their sixties I guess, a man and a woman. They were standing on the sidewalk sort of looking around and peering back to a folded map of some sort. When I spotted the map and the looking about, I asked if she needed any help. They were cute! Speaking with a heavy European accent they both quickly replied. "Oh no, thank you". I even hesitated slightly, in case they would suddenly change their minds, but they didn't. I know I had the look of "are you sure?" on my face. I guess they were fine. What they did have however was the look of wonder and graditude. It was priceless! This is American and people are very friendly here, and helpful. They looked very appreciative. And I felt very American and proud and glad that I took the time to ask! Dont' you always want people to feel that they were glad they came to visit?
And it's another reason why people should get out and walk or bicycle more. Because unlike being cooped up in the car, when passing by on foot we have a tendency to speak to one another and say hi. I love it, actually. It gives me a home town feeling to greet someone on the street. Try it some time, it will give you a good feeling.
Be the first one to smile at someone and see what happens..they smile back don't they. It's a reflect thing? I don't know, but try it. Maybe people are shocked? Maybe they are thinking, that maybe they should know that person? Anyway, I do it all the time, because it's so unexpected but I think, appreciated.
I recently saw a questionaire or survey about if we thought people were becoming less polite or even rude. Well, I wonder how the survey was conducted? Did people wait for a polite gesture, did they merely forge ahead without taking the time to consider other people. Just how ws the survey conducted. Because I'm sure that there would have been different results if the persons taking the survey would have smiled first or have gestured politely first. Just something to think about. As the survey results reveals, however, it was concluded that people are now more rude. Okay, so now we have the power of suggestion and a little self-fulfilled prophecy going on here now.
Now I have it in my head, because of that survey that people are down right mean..so I'm not smiling first only to be smugged. Oh the power of suggestion!
Suggestion is a powerful thing isn't it? Oprah suggests a book and immediately it is on the best seller list. Commericals are extremely suggestive and make you think that you must have the product or else you'll be out of the loop and no one will love you or they will love you.
Oh the pressures of society. I'm engaged, now you know I'm having sex. I'm getting married so now I'm truly normal and acceptable in society. I'm normal! And isn't that just exactly what "normal" is, what everyone else we think are doing.
Just be your own person. The people are most admired in my life are people who had their own look about them. They are the priceless ones. The individuals worth knowing; the true thinkers. They are true to themselves and people are in awe of them because they are self-confident enought be be who they are, I love it. I love them all of their idiosyncracies.
In the dictionary, I see that idiosyncracies means eccentric: strange; deviating from the norm of usual patterns.
There's that mode again. Oh, you can't be different, what will people think? They will hate you! You will be ostracized! And yes, that is true; still true, but even more so years past. And everything that was different, out of the norm, colored out of the lines was a sin to boot! You are not only ostracized but going to hell too in a hand basket - whatever the hell that meant! But you were going!
And it's another reason why people should get out and walk or bicycle more. Because unlike being cooped up in the car, when passing by on foot we have a tendency to speak to one another and say hi. I love it, actually. It gives me a home town feeling to greet someone on the street. Try it some time, it will give you a good feeling.
Be the first one to smile at someone and see what happens..they smile back don't they. It's a reflect thing? I don't know, but try it. Maybe people are shocked? Maybe they are thinking, that maybe they should know that person? Anyway, I do it all the time, because it's so unexpected but I think, appreciated.
I recently saw a questionaire or survey about if we thought people were becoming less polite or even rude. Well, I wonder how the survey was conducted? Did people wait for a polite gesture, did they merely forge ahead without taking the time to consider other people. Just how ws the survey conducted. Because I'm sure that there would have been different results if the persons taking the survey would have smiled first or have gestured politely first. Just something to think about. As the survey results reveals, however, it was concluded that people are now more rude. Okay, so now we have the power of suggestion and a little self-fulfilled prophecy going on here now.
Now I have it in my head, because of that survey that people are down right mean..so I'm not smiling first only to be smugged. Oh the power of suggestion!
Suggestion is a powerful thing isn't it? Oprah suggests a book and immediately it is on the best seller list. Commericals are extremely suggestive and make you think that you must have the product or else you'll be out of the loop and no one will love you or they will love you.
Oh the pressures of society. I'm engaged, now you know I'm having sex. I'm getting married so now I'm truly normal and acceptable in society. I'm normal! And isn't that just exactly what "normal" is, what everyone else we think are doing.
Just be your own person. The people are most admired in my life are people who had their own look about them. They are the priceless ones. The individuals worth knowing; the true thinkers. They are true to themselves and people are in awe of them because they are self-confident enought be be who they are, I love it. I love them all of their idiosyncracies.
In the dictionary, I see that idiosyncracies means eccentric: strange; deviating from the norm of usual patterns.
There's that mode again. Oh, you can't be different, what will people think? They will hate you! You will be ostracized! And yes, that is true; still true, but even more so years past. And everything that was different, out of the norm, colored out of the lines was a sin to boot! You are not only ostracized but going to hell too in a hand basket - whatever the hell that meant! But you were going!
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