Doctor's Visit - Beware!

Last year I went to my OB/GYN for my annual well woman's visit. But this year I had no particular complaints so I went to my regular family physician. Well actually a different one. You see the family physican moved away and before she left she introducted me to another doctor who would take over her practice. She seems nice enough. I was sorry to lose my doctor, but thought that I would give this other doctor a try when it was time for my annual well woman visit.

And what a visit that was; first of all the doctor that I went to see was not there. The receptionist and/or nurse suggested I see another doctor that was there that day. Okay, I really had no compliants in particular, I agreed to see the new doctor.

In the end I wasn't very thrilled. I told him that I run several miles or bicycle almost every day and workout on the weight equipment at the YMCA. He proceeded with his little light to look into my eyes, ears, nose and throat. He compliments me; told me I had nice teeth and clean ears. I was beginning to feel like a horse on the auction block.

The wipped out his double action special instrument that had a hammar at one end and a long needle at the other end. He knocks on my joints; arms and knee. An he proceeded to stick me all over the legs with the other end of that instrument. I was puzzled? First, of all I didn't have any compliants and second I just told him that I ran, biked and worked out! I'm active, of course, I can feel my legs. I certainly felt the prick of the pin; my knee jerk reflect just nearly missed his thigh.

The breast exam, could have been skipped all together for how swift unthrough that it was, although at this point, that was a good thing; because by now I'm thinking that I may have made a mistake.

Before I left the examination room, the nurse rolled out the EKG machine; I'm thinking that it was old or misfunctioning because my pulse was 48. My pulse has been that low? Before I left his office; he had a paper printout and pointed to the blockage that would probably demand a pace maker in a few years.

Okay, I'm ready to go now! I'm ready to get out of here! Later I wondered why didn't use his hand and his watch and re-check my pulse at my wrist, to verify the accuracy of the EKG machine?

You see I had compared my visit to the one I had with my OB/GYN last year. She spent an entire hour with me for first visit; not ten minutes. And she was very thorough and took her time with the exams. She was very pleasant and personal. And there was no EKG machine anywhere in sight? There was no hammar with a long needle at the other end either. I miss her - the good doctor! Next year I'm back to the OB/GYN.

I guess the moral of the story is - not all doctors are created equal. We need to be very careful about the doctors we choose. I think personal referrence by word of mouth is a good place to start.

The Guilt Thing

I was running this morning and thinking, God, thank you for this most beautiful day. It is a perfect day! I am so happy! I'm so calm, peaceful and I feel love. The sky is crystal clear and bright blue. The air is brisk and dry. The sun glistens on the blades of fresh green grass; its thick and luscious and begs you to run through it. The world is wonderful! While I'm out there running with arms and legs pumping, I pray and express appreciation for my lack of pain, and the absence of any knee problems. I'm healthy, happy, and content. And it is usually, on my happiest days, that my mother has to rear her head and mess it all up for me!

From across the way, she sends her guilt tripping, controlling, obligating messages. God, that woman can't take a hint. Go away Arlene! Every once in a while I get a premonition that one day I will put an eye up to the peep hole of my front door and see her with my brother or sister or both. I guess I just won't answer that door if that happens!

I do not wish to associate with them; I guess they can't take a hint. I have been shy, quiet and nice for years; I was silented. I have gone along with the program to try to make nice; no longer can I do it! I am happy here, away from them, can't they see the obvious?

They are so negative; complaining all the time. I know their agenda! they want to rope me in to provide service; to live my life for her and to bring me down. Her agenda is to win! She must win and conquer; she must have her way. You see I'm the sick one here; there is obviously something wrong with me? It's been like this all of my life! She is very obstinate; once she sinks her teeth into something, she won't let up! I can't do it! I want desperately to be free of them. I want to be happy! I want this heavy weighted feeling to leave my gut. God, please help me!

I received a moanful birthday card; oh how she loves me, misses me. She demands: "Call me!" Let's have lunch and talk. Go away Arlene! Can't you take a hint! I owe you nothing! I have served you for for too many years already and I can't do it any more. You bring me down! You drain the life out of me! I'm in therapy because of you for God's sake, so away! So, now the guilt comes at me like a silent, slivering, snake crawling slowly up to me as I lay in the grass.

That good catholic upbringing will do it to you. My mother would wish evil on me! It would kill her to know that I am happy; she has such a negative attitude and likes to keep everyone down there with her. I can't stand to be in her company. I have to fight the catholic guilt that tells me now, since I haven't continued to "walk the line" that "no one" will ever love me and I will never find happiness; because I am being punished!

I have been trying to separate myself for months and "thought" that I had it accomplished. They drive me insane! I was doing fine; just getting to a good place and then this. Now, I'm flustered, desperate, angry and can't think straight; now my whole day is botched. I won't be able to concentrate to read, or do anything. God please make them go away! Please!

It is two hours later now, and I have just a tiny littl hint of guilt; I'm mostly just aggravated now. I just don't want them knocking at my door! I have no intentions of responding! I say, like I did when I was a kid. "Pretend I'm not here; pretend I don't exist, okay?" She never took the hint than either. To her, I'm a piece of property to treat anyway she wants. A servant; to make sure Arlene stays entertained!

There is no way that I am calling her! I have no desire to talk to the woman. She is only interested in "winning" and fixing me!
Please God help me!

Seen and Not Heard

I lived in a world of authoritarianism and isolation as a kid. Don't make noise, don't move, don't speak until you are spoken to, were childhood messages. Adults were valued, children were tolerated and intrinsically evil beings who had to be trained. Their inherent bad habits had to be broken.

Affection, hugs, and kisses were withheld for fear of spoiling the child. I lived in a world where displaying affection, sensitivity and love were signs of weakness; but on the other hand, cruelty, displays of anger and violence were acceptable acts of behavior and signs of strength.

Authoritarianism, parental arguing, displays of hatefulness, drinking, and killing animals and pets opening were signs of strength and lessons to learn; walk the line and keep your mouth shut. Don't let the dog loose!

Males were valued over females by other males and even by mothers. Girls had their purpose though. Girls were taught to be caregivers, and docile beings ready to serve other people's needs. There was no fighting the system, I just did what I was told; it was better to just put your mind in neutral.

I lacked confidence and was shy, and I still am. At times I may appear to be confident. I'm more shy if I should happen to care. So, I try not too. But, I'm sensitive and a little intuitive and every once in a while I stumble and fall.

I learned at a very early age not to count on anyone but myself. I learned at an early, very early age, not to expect anything from anyone, certainly not my family, and certainly not love. I tried not to ask for anything from them; and ultimately became very self-sufficent. When I was a kid, I felt trapped; I just had to wait until I was old enough to move out and be on my own.

I love to learn, but was never encouraged to further my education. My parents were of little education, and controlling me meant keeping me down there with them, on the farm, to take care of them as they aged. Afer all that is what people had kids for, to take care of them!

Lessons I learned of life I learned by over hearing my parents complain about other people. I learned not to trust, anyone!

I was terribly shy at school. An older student, an eighth grader was assigned to me, she was very kind. Although, I wasn't sure what that feeling was, it felt good and warm to my heart. My first crush. I knew she would never feel the same, but go off to marry. Through my youth I found, I love girls, they love boys. When I was not interested in boys, my mother would say. "Don't hide in the house!" and "Don't be backward!" Eventually, I dated. I was cute and shy so unfortunately asked out a lot. I was taught to be docile, polite and did what was suggested. A natural peacekeeper!

Funny, how those core feelings stick with you - for life. I think it odd that I have the capacity to love as I do; and it is a sort of lifetime love, it doesn't go away, maybe it fads a little with heartache, but it doesn't really go away.

I try to cover it, but I'm shy in crowds. You'll never see me be the entertainer; I'm the one who laughs and listens to the entertainer. My thoughts get more confused when I'm put on the carpet. I've learned to ask people questions, to get them talking, that way I don't have to talk about myself. Most people talk about their siblings and parents and the things they do together. I can't because I don't associate any longer with mine.

Surprisingly enough, I was in a long term relationship. I lived it according to the lessons I learned in my youth. Therapist say we gravitate towards people who are like our mothers. Well, I did just that, I guess, I hate to admit. I trust her though and still do and still feel very close. She cares about me; but, I had to leave. I'm looking for something? I told her, it's bigger than both of us! I didn't know what that meant, I still don't. I feel like I'm on some kind of a mission. Maybe its just the sense of freedom. I love my independence - its safe! But, I have this little ache in my heart as if something, someone, were missing. I'm feeling a little uncertain, restless and posed to bolt!

My Brithday

It's late! I'm tired, but too happy to sleep! I'm having a wonderful birthday! What a loving heart!

Bicycling

What is it about riding my bicycle that just brings out the kid in me? Is it the sense of freedom, the wind in my face, the air whistling around my ears. Or is it the ability to get some where under my own power. I think it the increase in endorphines and the blood flowing through my body; the oxygen working my muscles that become more efficient the more I ride.

It's the riders high; like a runners high, I can't wait to get back on the bicycle and do it again. My body slightly aches with appreciation; bring it on, it hollers, I can handle more; and more I'll give it.

Each hill is a challenge and a chance to further increase muscle potential. No motion goes unnoticed! My sense of balance improves, my strength, my mental alertness, and my mental attitude.

Riding in traffic on my road bike is indeed a challenge. Besides, keeping an eye on what is coming up from the rear in my helmet mirror, I must stay on the shoulder, watch out for holes, uneven pavement, big cracks, big rocks, glass, branches, loose and deep chat, opening car doors and metal grates.

Ocassionally, at an intersection, I need to get into the center lane in order to go forward and not block the right turn lane. I can sense the motorist's aggravation and tenseness behind me.

If you have never ridden a bicycle in traffic then you do not know what I am up against, and that is part of the appeal to the challenge. One of the challenges besides blowing horns and dirty looks is keeping dirt and dust out of your eyes, when a big trucks exhaust pipe sprews out exhaust and stirs up the dusk and dirt in the street, right up into my face.

I think that unless you are a walker, runner, or bicyclist you have no empathy or sympathy for someone who is out there. You have to experience it yourself I guess before you can understand how hard that hill is to pump up.

I can only hope that I help motivate people into getting about under their own strength rather than relying vehicles all the time. Look at all the gas you would save and the good health you would gain.

Keeping all this in mind. I am ready to go again tomorrow. Now, watch out for me! Remember I respect you, please do the same for me. Don't forget I'm slow going up hills and I will be looking for grates and other obstacles that are in my way, plus motorist making turns. So, please be patience.

See you out there!

Fortunate

I am very fortunate! I think that I am one of the lucky ones or I am blessed? Is it luck? Or do I have some control?

If you read "Earth, Pleiadian Keys to the Living Library" by Barbara Marciniak, you would think that I actually have some control.

Be careful what you wish for, or think about, because wishing or thinking can make it happen. Well, I would think that my wish would have to be within reason! I don't think Sharon Stone will be knocking on my door anytime soon! Some things must remain as dreams!

I have been blessed with a loving heart. When I fall in love it is hard, fast and forever. The dynamics may change but the love remains. I love a good heart!

I am very comfortable in my own skin. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and I think that that is why I am not loney as an adult. I have learned to make myself happy and to be a good companion for myself. I have even gone on vacations alone.

I live in the Midwest and drove for two days to the east coast a few years ago. While driving all that way alone in the car, I did not feel lonely at all; actually, I had a wonderful sense of adventure and I felt a special presence within me, God, I think or my spirit guides. Anyway, I had a wonderful comforting feeling within me for the whole trip. Sometimes I get that same feeling when I am driving alone on a beautiful day with the windows down and listening to my favorite songs. A happy, loving feeling overwhelms me and I think, "You know, I felt this way, doing this very thing when I was 17." Nothing has changed; oh, more experience, but the core of me remains the same. I was the same at 38 and 48 too! It's the simple things in life! Another time that I feel content, secure and happy is when my home is all cleaned and straightened and I am enjoying a good book, drinking hot tea, and listening to classical music in front of the fire. Now that is living! It doesn't take much to make me happy! Actually, I can be visiting a book store and feel the same way. I have many special moments; and I have found that it is usually when I am alone that I appreciate them more.

I remember on occasion after a very deep snow fall; when the world seemed blanketed in silence, trying to walk in the knee deep snow down middle of the abandoned street; the only sound is the sound of my breathing and I am thinking - is this too cool? I felt elated! The world was a beautiful place! The trees were heavy with snow; and people were friendly, happy and amazed at nature's wonder. Twenty-four inches of snow had fallen during the previous night's thunder snow. The winter night sky had flashed with lightening and the rumbled with thunder. A thunderstorm in February? Faces dressed in amazement, peered out of windows at the sight of lightening, and the sound of thunder during a heavy snowfall. The world seemed so quiet and peaceful the next day as we ventured out and shuffled our way through deep snow. In that winter wonderland I felt the presence closeness of my spirit guides. Sometimes I feel that weather events are direct messages from the spiritual world remaining us that they are there, all around us.

I have felt the presence of my spirit guide many times, when I am driving in bad weather and make good decisions in altering my route in order to avoid trouble. I think that I came into the world with good common sense. I think common sense is the wisdom gained in previous life times that is carried over into our present life through our subconscious.

I am the most fortunate person I know, because I appreciate the gift of life, love and good health. I do all that I can to maintain my good health by exercising, taking vitamin supplements, and watching my diet. I believe that my body is a wonderful gift from God, and I do not wish to abuse it. I was born lucky, to be attractive enough, bright and middle class. Once more, and I think, importantly, I know that I am fortunate! I believe that we are here to learn, so I try to read all that I can to become enlightened in many areas. I believe that we are here not only to learn all we can, but to learn to love and respect others. I believe that what you put out there gets returned, sometimes two fold.

I have many good friends and I treasure them. Each and everyone is as unique and priceless as a rare gem. Rarely, not often, I fall in love with a special friend who touches my heart. I hold the thought her in my heart and cherish the time I spend with her. I love for keeps and I am here for you my dear friend!

I am in your corner rooting for your success and happiness. You are precious and take my breath away. When you come into view my heart fills; to hold you makes it melt. I'm the one who worries when you are late, or don't show at all. I may not tell you this, but if you watched me you would know. My loving you is a wondrous gift; being in your presence stirs my soul! I will always love you unconditionally; if not as your lover, your friend. You warm my heart and there will always be a special place in it for you. Yes, I am very fortunate!

Being Considerate

I know that you are reasonably considerate of other people just like I am right? I know that when you walk your dog, you take the little grocery store plastic bag along and pick right up after the poop is complete. I know you do that! It's easy! It's not messy well if you only feed your dog dry dog food just meant for him, it is. You are on your own with the table scrapes.

I know you never throw any trash out of your car window; you always keep that little garbage bag into your car just for that. And it kills just about kills you to see all that trash lying in the curb; who would do such a thing? I always give the benefit of a doubt by thinking that it must have fallen off the back of the garage truck as it sped away.

Now, I wasn't even going to bring this one up, because I know that you would never think of doing such a thing and that is pitching beer cans or bottles out of the car window. I know you don't do that; but, boy somebody does, because I am having to dodge schattered glass lying everywhere along the roads when I ride my bicycle.

And I know you always use your turn single. Yes, I know you know where you are going but I don't! When I am driving, running, or bicycling I would certainly appreciate if everyone used their turn signle so I would know your intentions. It is just being considerate. If you do it I'll do it and then we will both know what the other is planning on doing and that creates a nice flow and less confusion.

Indicating your intentions is a little like turning on your headlights when it is dawn, dusk or when it is raining. Oh, I know you can see where you are going all right; but, it helps others to see you better so we don't run into you.

Please watch out for me will you? I'll be the one walking with my backpack on, riding my bicycle or running. It is good for my health and I can conserve gas and save a buck or two. Please do not speed or wipe around cars because it is against your principles to use the brakes or drive within the limit. Okay I've done it already myself, but I am more careful since I am out there, bare without my protective capsule surrounding me with reasonably ensuring my safety.

There is one last thing that I am thinking of and you might not have thought of it; but I think it would be a considerate if you did something about it. Would you please trim that huge bush you have in your yard. You know that one that hangs way over the sidewalk. Oh, it is very pretty and very healthy but has grown to be so huge! It's full, low and sticks way out there so much that I cannot walk, run or bicycle around it without having to step down off the curb into the street where I am jeoparding my safety.

"Oh that bush!" Yes that bush. See, I knew you have never even given that bush a second thought. You just thought that bush was just so pretty and marveled at how healthy it looked and oh how much it as grown! You forgot to look down and around. But, thanks for thinking about it now. After you trim it back then sit by your window and watch the smiling passerbys. It will make your day! If they are not smiling? I wonder if you forgot to sweep the sidewalk? Okay, now watch for the big smiles!

Jann

I love Jann Arden and I think maybe you will too, so buy her records and read her journal its on her web site. The address is her name.

I agree with a lot of what Jann thinks about we being souls and looking for soul mates; what she says about using our own energy of thoughts to create an event. Have you ever had a premonition and then what you were thinking of, actually happened? You are afraid you will run into to someone you really don't want to see and then you do. Amazing stuff..our thoughts!

That is the reason why I like to think happy, positive, healthy thoughts because, just as we are what we eat, we can be what we think. Be careful!

Just love yourself enough to be whole and healthy. Who cares if you do not have a lover. A lover does not make you whole, you make yourself whole. You alone are responsible for your own emotions. You alone own them, you created them, their yours...so be careful you will have to live with them until you change your thinking again.

No one on earth can save you, no one on earth can complete you; only you can heal and make yourself whole. You do have the power now if only you can muster up the energy to believe in yourself. Try it! What have to got to lose.

Do some reading! Go to the library and read about spirituality. Read "Ramtha" by J. Z. Knight; read all of her books! Be enlightened! The powers of the church and religion may have been fooling you so they are able to control you. Making you toll the line, thinking you have no power at all; making you think you will go to hell if you don't obey a church rule. Nonsense!

Watch "What the Beep Does it Mean" over and over again, for each time you do you will pick up more information.

Enlighten yourself! Do the homework! Read all of Barbara Marciniak's books too: "Earth", "Path of Empowerment", Bringers of the Dawn" these are teachings of the Pleiadians..read, you'll find out who they are.

Then when you get full of spirituality and believe in yourself and learn to love yourself, then read "The World is Flat" A brief history of the twenty-first century by Thomas L. Friedman. It is a real eye opener about world economy. Well, it involves you and possibly your job, or your children's future jobs or lack of.

My favorite book in the last few years is "American Dynasty" by Kevin Phillips. Yes, it's political but you will understand the economy and your government and how it all works together, or altimately doesn't work together.

Now, get that book in your hands and sit back, listen to classical music, burn some incense and drink a little tea and delve into that book. Read and become enlightened!

I Have a Birthday Coming Up Soon

It has been quit a year for me! I was merely existing in my mundane and I guess a little boring life. I had not worked for a year and kept it a secret. I was afraid of the demands that would be placed on my "free" time. I didn't tell my family for fear that Catholic guilt and the sense of family duty would enslave me.

So I became a little more deceiving than I had already been, which actually was not at all that difficult to do. They being Catholic and me being lesbian; well, they didn't really get that! The family just pretty much tuned me out and ignored my personal life. I found that I never mentioned things to them that were important to me for fear that they would not approve, be uncomfortable, not understand and not be accepting. Now, I wonder was I protecting them or myself?

People are so amazing! When gay issues were, on occasion, brought up by my partner, more so than myself, they would suddenly become trace- like deaf mutes! I soon learned to stop trying to connect with these people. They are obviously takers and not givers.

I was just pretty much a loner, mining my own business; yes, a little lonely but I thought that I was getting along reasonably well. I was beginning to picture the rest of my life and realized that it was so predictable. But, none the less everything was in place and all set - no excitement to it, though. Everything was good except except my whole life!

I realized that I was daydreaming a lot, like I did when I was a kid, and had no control of anything and I was scared and lonely.

Then one day it happened! Suddenly my whole world changed! It was like I was hit by a ton a bricks right smack dab in the head. I fell in love! She was the sweetest most considerate, and compassionate person I have ever met. She was like one of those older girls in school that I fell in love with because they were so beautiful, sweet and kind to me . Oh, how my heart ached for her gentle affection! I had not felt like this for anyone in many years. I didn't know what had come over me. My heart beat wildly all the time. I found that she was on my mind both day and night. And I loved it! I felt this strong connection with her as if our souls had connected before in a past life.

She did not know what I felt for her. Then one day when I was sad and told her that I was slipping out of my fifteen year relationship, she unexpectedly hugged me for a long time; as long as I needed to be hugged. I felt her warmth and love envelope me and encompass my whole being. I felt loved! Sometimes I think she might have saved my life.

Although unobtainable she gave her love and felt my pain that day almost a year ago now. I still think of her often. I miss her! Funny how only moments spent with someone can feel like a lifetime of love! My life changed that day, I changed. She doesn't know it, but I feel that she was my catalyst to change. After meeting her, I realized that I needed to make many changes in my life and that my own happiness was rightfully important. I realized that there was no reason to devote my life, sacrifice my happiness, compromise myself for anyone. Because no one else was more important than myself. No one was better than me and I did not owe anything to anyone!

Within several months I found myself living alone and loving it. I had my own space with freedom to do with as only I wished. I decided to move and buy a condo in the city. I didn't tell my family that I moved - well eventually I did but I didn't volunteer an address or phone number! Funny, I have no desire to speak to them nor they me. I don't miss them. I'll just leave it at that! As far as I know they have not bothered to try to find me.

I love my new home near all of my wonderful friends. My ex-partner and I remain friends and I am grateful for that. She is very important to me. She is a stable constant being and someone who keeps me grounded just by knowing she is there.

A few months ago, I fell in love. She is a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful woman. We started out strong, and I assumed more than I should have and she pulled back some. And now I know it will never be the way it was. We are both too independent. Love is a wonderful thing but sometimes with love comes heartache; I believe you can not have one without the other and I am fine with that. I would much rather love and then experience heartache than not love at all. She is a wonderful person and I am glad to have her in my life. She has a good heart!

Yes, there has been many new experiences this year. This past year; my 57th year, I began running in competition and have won three awards out of four attempts. Not bad! It is fun for me because there is less competition in my age group which makes it a little more easier to win. I love the work out and I feel good about myself!

I feel good about myself but I still have that need, well a little part of me does, to heal a broken heart and to give love where it is needed. I have to ponder this - for I believe that we want to help others in ways, that we ourselves are looking to be helped. This is really not about me loving and caring for her, I think it is about me and my own heart repair. I think I put out there what I myself would like in return. Just something to ponder in my 58th year!

I has been a life change and wonderful year hopefully I did not leave too much heartache in my wake.

It is going to be another great year, I can feel it in my soul. I have come a long way and the journey is becoming more enjoyable each year. They say 60 is the new 30, well maybe 40 ish. Anyway you look at it - I feel blessed!