It's Still May 30, 2005

Well, I don't know if I would wish being gay on anyone. Maybe its not even just being gay; maybe its just the falling in love thing I don't do well.

It seems I fall hard and fast and for the unattainable. Show me a compassionate loving heart and I'm gone, down for the count and in deep. I fall first and ask questions later it seems.

I wonder sometime if that is part of my defense mechanism, to fall for the unattainable.

Oh well, a little therapy goes a long way.

Usually I am perfectly fine with my life, and can handle not being in a relationship. Oh just tell my heart that!

I always use my head though; well, sooner or later I do. Last summer it felt like I got hit on the head by a ton of bricks. I loved her as soon as I met her. There was just something about her; a certain sweetness; a wonderful loving heart. She seemed a little sad, maybe a little unhappy. She was very compassionate. Before I knew it she was on my mind both day and night.

Actually she help set me on the right path in my life. She unknowingly made me realize I need to change some things in my life. My partner of fifteen years and I split up to move hopefully on to individual paths of spiritual growth. I feel bad about ending the relationship as it was, but thankfully we remain friends, good friends, and share mutual respect for one another.

Falling in love with the unattainable and then letting her know how I feel, sent me directing past go and right into therapy. I had fallen so fast and so deep and I let her know how I felt.

For years I played the straight life and loved best friends secretly. I learned a lot in therapy, however. It took three different therapist to tell me I do not owe my mother anything and that I have a tendency to love woman who are like my mother.

Don't get me wrong the years I did spend with my partner were good ones. I believe now that falling in love with this angel last summer, was God's way of telling me he wants me on a different path in life. Somehow I don't think you are buying that? But I believe it!

I"had" a tendency to lose sight of myself when I love someone - not anymore. Now, I play it safe - I think subconsciously I fall in love with the out-of-reach types so a relationship is impossible. And that to me is playing it safe!

If ever that miracle of love should happen and when I do love, when that mutual love thing happens; I want it to be very special. It will be truly from my heart to her heart. I want to believe in her, stand behind her and love her for what and who she is. I want to love her heart her good heart; and because shehas a good heart. Funny, I can't ever imagine her loving me in return?

But, there needs to be that strong connection - a heart connection. Like when in a crowd and she is suddenly gone from sight, and your heart doesn't rest until you find her and see her and make, however slight, reasuring eye contact. Or, when I mingle with the crowd and walk around, then watch to see if she looks for me, and she does; and when we find each other's eyes - its good; its comforting.

Its that special feeling in a special moment when words are not really spoken, but two hearts seem to gravitate together.

I'm not sorry I fell so hard for an unobtainable woman last summer; I am not sorry at all. In just a few minutes together she changed my life. She made me feel more loved than I had ever experiened before. I felt her heart when I was in her arms. She has a wonderful heart. I felt her love. She might have saved my life. I will never forget her and there will always be a tiny part of my heart that belongs to her. I think God sent her, that one, the unobtainable, so she could change my life.

God has a plan and I know that and it will all come together and I will be surprised and sit back in amazement when it all clicks and slowly whisper. "Well, I'll be damn."