Now, after the running...

My toes hurt (I guess after running nine miles, I'm lucky if that is all that hurts) but I'm in a much better state of mind.

I'm in a good mood. Running just kind of clears my emotional head. Of course for most of the run, I thought about you. I believe too that I figured some things out. But, since I'm been back home, I forgot what they were.

I am so attracted to the untouchable. Well, really I'm not. I saw you, I looked into your eyes and fell in love with you. Amen. End of story! And I still love you, as complicated as you are - I love you.

A gal about your age told me I was a real catch! You know, I'm probably going to hang onto that for every cent it is worth and for a long time. But, I saw my reflection today in a window while running and I am cute! My hair longer and I love it. I look too! I am a catch!

But, you know what? It still doesn't get you "who" you want! Oh well! I think I'll have fun with this and flirt tonight. Might as well put my, could only be temorary, self-confidence to good use. I'll do a little flirty, but only if I see something worth flirting with. I just want to have fun.

I think I have discovered something through the years and that is what ever I feel inside gets put "out there" for people to interpret it the same way I feel it. One particular evening at a bar after I rode 30 miles, ran and who knows what else I was looking good. I was at my idea weight and fit and just felt very confident. Actually, I was ending my straight life as I knew it. Anyway, a guy wanted to dance with me because he thought that I was cool. He said I was self-confident and liked that. I was flattered and realized too that whatever you feel inside gets displayed on your outside in your posture, your eyes, and your smile for all the world to view.

So, we do make a difference and we do create our own realities. I'm going to knock 'em dead. I do that when I run too. That is, make sure I use good posture and run with confidence. I have to look good; I feel good!

It's 61 degrees out it was a wonderful running day; the breeze is first pitching up. Yes, I think I'll go out tonight and just see......

We shouldn't have run our relationship in the ground. We should have set ground rules. I don't care if you date others just as long as you see me once in a while. Try that! Maybe you won't burn the new one in the ground. You go full force and then fizzle.

I have no idea what I do; I haven't had that much experience dating because of being in a long relationship. Bottom line is: I don't know how to date. And I don't want a long relationship. And I want someone cute and adorable like you. You hate that don't you! :) And I love it so much! I want you!

I wish you would come out tonight and show yourself so I can flirt with you. I'm not telling where everyone is going; but it's a friendly place in E's neighborhood. I think C left before they mentioned it the other night - but maybe not. Anyway, they are gathering at seven. I think I'll get a salad.

Well, have to go practice a bit on my guitar. Maybe I better clean up my condo first.... and vacuum a little....I want it to be presentable. :)

Running..

It's fifty degrees - I'm running...I love you

Even the water company man noticed Emma's back legs droop at bit when she walks....I'm going to need you. I wish I had you in my life. I wish we could talk and I wish you loved me.

Guess I'll make an appointment with Ezekiel. I need to know where I'm headed.

Running is a good word to describe me; because I run as fast as I can from commitment and relationships. Lots of people run from things they desperately need but don't know how to handle. In this life the problem is not only cooping with the bad but also accepting (cooping in my case) with the good. I think my summer love is a little like that. When things get serious or when feelings begin to submerge its time to get out.

I need the good doctor's arms around me. See, I knew that was only temporarly too. God, I need help.

And if you think that time straightens things out....bullshit...as George Carlin would say...bullshit!

I guess I have a lot to say...

I'm back again. Well, I didn't run; I decided it was too windy, but I should have done something active because it lifts my spirit and enhances my mood.

I started out in a good mood and ended in a bad mood. I'm a catholic survivor filled with guilt. Now that is abuse if I have ever seen it..religion, so self serving. Sometimes I do not allow myself leisure time even though I have plenty of it. I have to tell myself I need not feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive every minutes; like I have to account to someone.

I guess I was just in a guilty mood, I felt guilty when I saw my X. I feel guilty that I can't make everyone happy. I feel guilty and hoped I did not cause my summer love pain. I'd rather be kicked in the gut than cause her pain. I'd rather have her hate me than to have ever caused her pain. Damn, I hope I didn't cause her pain. I hope I didn't break her heart and she just pretended to be sick of me.

Hopfully, she is just fine. I only miss her, that's all. But, loving from a distance and painfully so, is typical for me. I don't know how to love any other way. It is how I loved as a child and as an adult and usually my loves were one-way loves. Usually, the other person never even knew I loved them. You see, I have to be safe and if I keep a distance no one can hurt me. But, I end up hurting even worse, because I dangle love out in the front of me and never catch up to it. It's always a safe distance away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

I pushed her away and now I miss her. I guess I didn't have to push very hard because she is so gone. And tonight I'm feeling rather lonely. Usually, I'm fine but tonight I guess I just lost hope. You see, I was hoping to see her last week. It has been two weeks and I was hoping to see her again. I need to know that she is okay and I miss her. I just plain straight-out miss her.

Well, I can't talk to her about it, I'm afraid if I do I will only push her further away. I can only smile and she smiles back. I'll be fine, I'm just having a low night. It just felt so right when things were good. I felt that I belonged in her life. I wanted to love her and care for her.

She can't love in return and maybe I was beginning to feel rejected. But, I would like to try again; I think I understand her better now.

Here I go again, loving someone who can't love me in return. But, this one, is special. I don't want her to be without someone in her life. My heart aches for her.

I need to get over her and tend to my own needs...but she is what I need. I have never felt needed before; not like this.

Damn, this is hard.

I want you back.

She is probably just fine. She is probably a heck of a lot happier right at this moment than I am. She's probably getting a lot of loving and sex. The hell with her, look out for yourself for a change. She should have been loving me in return and she doesn't have the capacity to love. She gets her needs met so stop worrying about her. She certainly isn't worred about me. I don't see her trying to contact me or looking for me; or even trying to carry on a conversation with me.

If you want to pray for her....fine! But just let her go. She has been taking care of herself for years now; she doesn't need anybody.. She certainly doesn't need or WANT you. So let her go. She is the type of person that when she wants someone she's go after them. So let her go. She is a big girl she will be just fine.

But, I need to love her........

Tough shit! You are out of the game....get over it!!! And stop whinning!

Well, that arguement with myself went well.....

KNock OUt

Okay, I think the Accel Gel wins out over the GU energy gel. I get a little giggy and high on the Accel Gel. My hair is getting longer (has nothing to do the the Accel Gel or maybe?) anyway I like it. I look into the mirrow and go: "You are one fucking knock-out". I'm sick :) Just plain sick :)

Damn, it's 65 degrees outside. I think I'll walk Emma and then decide if I want to run or not. It's terribly windy however..well, I'll see.

If I don't get blown away... I'll be back.

LAzer TAg - ya little shit!

Damn, I wish you were going to go along tomorrow night and play lazer tag with us. There are 23 I think going R&W organized it. Many from Frontrunners. I wish someone would have contacted you. I know if I did you wouldn't go anyway. Damn I miss you.

Anyway you would love this. I'll tell ya what. I'll get one going for the social group and get you included if you are interested; that is, if I don't see you this weekend.

I have to be real careful here not to sound like my mother or possibly your mother because I know for sure that would push you away from here to Hawaii.

Little shit...one of these days I'm going to stop caring......

Things that are meant to happen

I just thought of this so I have to write about it. How many times have to wante to talk to something but it's in a crowded place and you don't want everyone in on the conversation and you don't want the conversation to be obvious. So, needless to say, the words don't get spoken.

Well, I want a conversation with my summer love so I just have to get my head and heart in a right place and then I think it will happen. I guess the other night when I saw her at the counter, was not the time. Well, she had that look on her face like - get the fuck out of my space. Maybe that deterred me slightly, you think? Anyway, the thought of me bothering some one that much really troubles me and so I want to ge to the bottom of it. So, Please present yourself somewhere so I can have a conversation with you. You know the two places just be at one of them - soon. This treatment is killing me and I'm afraid if I try to say anything I'll push you further away. But, I wan to know exactly where I stand.

Now here is the weird thing. Last Tuesday evening I'm sitting next to C (the new girl) at a long table - people all around. Full moon, so they are all talking amongst themselves. It was extremely easy for C to ask me my story ("Your quit a catch you know" - that is what she said. Too cute!). I'm eating that up you know and will for a long time. Anyway, in such a crowded space I know I have her full attention and no one else is listening. Once more we can hear each other fine. It was miraculous as for as I'm concerned and evident that it was meant that she hear "my story". Now, if I would have been trying to speak to my summer love: First of all, we wouldn't ge sitting close together we are avoiding each other apparently - and I love her so much and yet I can't even sit by her. I feel I should try to sit way far away from her so she is not uncomfortable. And we could never had a dissent conversation like C and I did because everyone would be in on it.

So, it seemed very odd and yet very purposeful, like it was meant to happen that C and I had this conversation. How odd is that! I guess full moon and timing is everything.

How I would love to have an intimate detailed conversation with my summer love. Well, here's another factor. C was interested and wanted to know and I was willing to tell. I don't think summer love is at least bit interested but probably rather gets a kick out of being cool and distant. Have you ever just taken a piece of 8 x 11 writting or typing paper and hated what was on it and just crumbled it up between your hands forcefully and then just picked it to the fall? Well, that is my heart in her hands.

I do it all the time - smile that is!

I was running the other day near the shopping center when I passed two people in their sixties I guess, a man and a woman. They were standing on the sidewalk sort of looking around and peering back to a folded map of some sort. When I spotted the map and the looking about, I asked if she needed any help. They were cute! Speaking with a heavy European accent they both quickly replied. "Oh no, thank you". I even hesitated slightly, in case they would suddenly change their minds, but they didn't. I know I had the look of "are you sure?" on my face. I guess they were fine. What they did have however was the look of wonder and graditude. It was priceless! This is American and people are very friendly here, and helpful. They looked very appreciative. And I felt very American and proud and glad that I took the time to ask! Dont' you always want people to feel that they were glad they came to visit?

And it's another reason why people should get out and walk or bicycle more. Because unlike being cooped up in the car, when passing by on foot we have a tendency to speak to one another and say hi. I love it, actually. It gives me a home town feeling to greet someone on the street. Try it some time, it will give you a good feeling.

Be the first one to smile at someone and see what happens..they smile back don't they. It's a reflect thing? I don't know, but try it. Maybe people are shocked? Maybe they are thinking, that maybe they should know that person? Anyway, I do it all the time, because it's so unexpected but I think, appreciated.

I recently saw a questionaire or survey about if we thought people were becoming less polite or even rude. Well, I wonder how the survey was conducted? Did people wait for a polite gesture, did they merely forge ahead without taking the time to consider other people. Just how ws the survey conducted. Because I'm sure that there would have been different results if the persons taking the survey would have smiled first or have gestured politely first. Just something to think about. As the survey results reveals, however, it was concluded that people are now more rude. Okay, so now we have the power of suggestion and a little self-fulfilled prophecy going on here now.

Now I have it in my head, because of that survey that people are down right mean..so I'm not smiling first only to be smugged. Oh the power of suggestion!

Suggestion is a powerful thing isn't it? Oprah suggests a book and immediately it is on the best seller list. Commericals are extremely suggestive and make you think that you must have the product or else you'll be out of the loop and no one will love you or they will love you.

Oh the pressures of society. I'm engaged, now you know I'm having sex. I'm getting married so now I'm truly normal and acceptable in society. I'm normal! And isn't that just exactly what "normal" is, what everyone else we think are doing.

Just be your own person. The people are most admired in my life are people who had their own look about them. They are the priceless ones. The individuals worth knowing; the true thinkers. They are true to themselves and people are in awe of them because they are self-confident enought be be who they are, I love it. I love them all of their idiosyncracies.

In the dictionary, I see that idiosyncracies means eccentric: strange; deviating from the norm of usual patterns.

There's that mode again. Oh, you can't be different, what will people think? They will hate you! You will be ostracized! And yes, that is true; still true, but even more so years past. And everything that was different, out of the norm, colored out of the lines was a sin to boot! You are not only ostracized but going to hell too in a hand basket - whatever the hell that meant! But you were going!