I'm back again. Well, I didn't run; I decided it was too windy, but I should have done something active because it lifts my spirit and enhances my mood.
I started out in a good mood and ended in a bad mood. I'm a catholic survivor filled with guilt. Now that is abuse if I have ever seen it..religion, so self serving. Sometimes I do not allow myself leisure time even though I have plenty of it. I have to tell myself I need not feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive every minutes; like I have to account to someone.
I guess I was just in a guilty mood, I felt guilty when I saw my X. I feel guilty that I can't make everyone happy. I feel guilty and hoped I did not cause my summer love pain. I'd rather be kicked in the gut than cause her pain. I'd rather have her hate me than to have ever caused her pain. Damn, I hope I didn't cause her pain. I hope I didn't break her heart and she just pretended to be sick of me.
Hopfully, she is just fine. I only miss her, that's all. But, loving from a distance and painfully so, is typical for me. I don't know how to love any other way. It is how I loved as a child and as an adult and usually my loves were one-way loves. Usually, the other person never even knew I loved them. You see, I have to be safe and if I keep a distance no one can hurt me. But, I end up hurting even worse, because I dangle love out in the front of me and never catch up to it. It's always a safe distance away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I pushed her away and now I miss her. I guess I didn't have to push very hard because she is so gone. And tonight I'm feeling rather lonely. Usually, I'm fine but tonight I guess I just lost hope. You see, I was hoping to see her last week. It has been two weeks and I was hoping to see her again. I need to know that she is okay and I miss her. I just plain straight-out miss her.
Well, I can't talk to her about it, I'm afraid if I do I will only push her further away. I can only smile and she smiles back. I'll be fine, I'm just having a low night. It just felt so right when things were good. I felt that I belonged in her life. I wanted to love her and care for her.
She can't love in return and maybe I was beginning to feel rejected. But, I would like to try again; I think I understand her better now.
Here I go again, loving someone who can't love me in return. But, this one, is special. I don't want her to be without someone in her life. My heart aches for her.
I need to get over her and tend to my own needs...but she is what I need. I have never felt needed before; not like this.
Damn, this is hard.
I want you back.
She is probably just fine. She is probably a heck of a lot happier right at this moment than I am. She's probably getting a lot of loving and sex. The hell with her, look out for yourself for a change. She should have been loving me in return and she doesn't have the capacity to love. She gets her needs met so stop worrying about her. She certainly isn't worred about me. I don't see her trying to contact me or looking for me; or even trying to carry on a conversation with me.
If you want to pray for her....fine! But just let her go. She has been taking care of herself for years now; she doesn't need anybody.. She certainly doesn't need or WANT you. So let her go. She is the type of person that when she wants someone she's go after them. So let her go. She is a big girl she will be just fine.
But, I need to love her........
Tough shit! You are out of the game....get over it!!! And stop whinning!
Well, that arguement with myself went well.....
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