I wonder....

what she really thinks of me. Well, here's my problem. I want to do what makes her happy. I want to please and so I agree to do things that I really don't want to do. And times goes on and I go "Oh, yeah I'll go!" And then I even convince myself...and begin to sound like I really want to go...

Then the day before I get an anxiety attack. I don't want to go - I realize. In the beginning driving anywhere over a holiday week end sort of freaked me out; being a passenger even freaked me out more. I needed to be control of the situation I am realizing. Actually from the beginning I felt this way but choose to ignore my feelings because I wanted to "please".

Also the day before I'm thinking that there will be too much time for me standing around in the hot sun where she finishes her events. And that is after getting up and I know that I can sleep decent. Yeah, I know that I am a piece of work..and that I think too much about stuff.

It was to be a weekend where we spent the night together. But, "he" lurks in the shadows of my mind. He is her "he" certainly not mine. She'll never leave him and that's that!

So, I'm cautious and cannot give my heart because she is not available nor wants to be evidently. She is happy with her double roll.

I love her and she makes me feel so fine every time. But, I love my time for myself enjoying my other life, my true self life, without her. She likes it that way. She is glad that I am busy.

I feel satisfied with my decision. I had to say "No!". In my anxiety my life came to a stand still where I just sat and thought and wanted to change but was afraid I would lose her totally if I didn't please. But, deep inside I know that she still loves me.

If she were totally free for me to invest in then I would stand wait and watch and cheer on; but, with this situation being as it is I cannot invest that much where it takes me out of my way and daily routine. I love her though, so it was tough.

Bottom line is my intuition scared me off. Isn't it funny, once in a while planned events like this fill me full of anxiety where I can't breath. But a month ago I planned my own trip and run over rocky trail alone to a little town 70 miles away (missed the turn off, so it was 80 for me). I wasn't afraid to venture out on my own. In fact, it's spiritual for me. I was driven to do it. I knew the universe would help and protect me. As it was, the universe, sent guardian angels for me, just when I needed them most. Life is grand!

Funny, I would sooner trust in the unknown of the universe than ride with someone two hours away on a holiday weekend. I'm funny that way. I guess I was filled with anxiety because it wasn't my plan and I wasn't the master mind behind it. I guess. Or was it "he" lurking in the shadows. No, that's not it otherwise he would bother me other intimate times and he surely doesn't.

It's her choice and she is happy to share that with people. So, I know she is perfectly content so why do I hang around. Because she pleases me. Well, sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to take this trip.

I'm very sorry that I bailed at the last minute. Was it because I visited my good friend who seems to make short brisk comments seem like a whole lecture. Did she put some sense into my head? Or wasn't I really paying attention and realizing that the plans we plan would indeed one day materialize. I wasn't facing reality....I'm still not because I can't wait to see her again...the touch of her...to be near her..the warmth.

We all need touch and warmth. It cherish more, ours is. Our times together are very special, I believe to both of us. She'll miss me and all me and I hope it's soon. I wish her a good event and to come home safety.

She knows that her situation is a struggle for me and that there will be times like this. We have bigger plans set in reserve, booked even, for the future and for a longer time spent together not just over one night like this one. But, I'll do that trip because it's something that I always wanted to do...I have no problem with that one. In fact I can't wait! I don't know what got into me this time..no matter...if I get another anxiety attack before the long trip I'll deal with it. But, I'm going no matter what.

But this one, just waiting around, watching, waiting, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm feeling care free now to go about my routine activities on my own. I'll be fine! I'll miss her but I'll be fine. I could never cross over the two worlds...not in eight months or more and I guess I still don't want to. Am I the only one with this last minute anxiety problem?