Life - it's a pain!

I want sex without a relationship! Never did I think this life would be so hard! Why do I have to feel love and why do I have to worry about the other person; it's a pain!

Can't I just enjoy a moment of sex? Jesus!

I think I want off this ride!

Highly Thought Of!

I walked in the park with my friend L today, like you, she had a holiday. Over breakfast I told her what your subject will be next year and she said you would be great at it! She is very impressed by you! Her compliments are rare for those new in the profession; this being her last year of it.

A free woman soon! She was tickled and almost had reason enough to reconsider since she found out that her two young male bosses got fired, voted out. She was elated! I hope,my love, the evil one you had last year doesn't return to haunt you next year. I can't bear the though of him upsetting you.

I'm sorry, but I think I'm supposed to love you. It's my mission; no, really! I think that is what all my past experiences have been about..sorry. I can connect the dots, and it makes sense, really! I'm here to stay. Well, you're in my heart to stay. Just please show up once in a while if you can't come to me. Damn, I love you!

This morning too, I told L about the card; she thought you shouldn't be offended. I hope not! I said I recently saw you and wanted to hug but didn't; I didn't tell her exactly but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to let go. But, next time, maybe I will hug you; it would be good for my heart. Maybe I won't, I'm afraid too. Oh hell with it, maybe I will. L says she loves to see me argue with myself. I did it at breakfast. I was telling her that I almost jumped into something Saturday night and had to argue with myself....the end result: A good giggle for L this morning. What really happened? You'll just have to wonder; I want to be highly thought of!

I know my heart pretty well and through no fault of yours it is holding me in place, fluttering in air, lingering. Just don't ever go away! No, sometimes, I think you should tell me to go to hell...I need to get on with my life. I could have been in bed with this cute little thing...but my heart..

My friend and I shared a wonderful visit this morning until we noticed that her car window was broken. If you ever think about moving near M's, please reconsider. My car parked right behind hers was not touched? I love that little box dodger car, it's such good luck for me! Thank you God!

I hope your holiday is good. I hope I see you soon. My friend M will be at M's tomorrow evening passing out carpooling and parking information for the demo on Saturday at the church so I'll get to M's early to see her. You come too, I want to see you. I may hug, but I'll try not to embarrass you. I want to hear about how things are going for you at work. Please. What is this hold you have on me?

I was just over at my x visiting E, she is staying there now until found out. X is becoming attached and I'm glad. I miss E, but she slipped on the steps one day, about knocking me down, and that may her become afraid of them. So, we'll see? Hope for the best! God, I'm going to dread that day! She's fourteen and her feet make shuffling sounds when she crosses x's carpet. It's not funny, but it's funny, if you know what I mean? Outdoors her nose works effectively examining every square inch I swear!

It was good to see my friend today; funny how god puts people in our lives at times when we need them to deliver messages. She said I did okay with you..I needed to hear that. She said she was very impressed with you..I wanted to hear that. She made my heart feel good today and she got her window broken out for it. Well hopefully a beautiful woman has the job of replacing her car window today; although, usually it's a man's job; but you never know! Anyway, I hope she gets compensated somehow!

And the spirit speaks..I always listened to my x too, I felt god spoke through her. She's the reason I made the doctor's appointment that changed my entire life. The good doctor saved my life that day, you know. I will love her forever. I think about her often and pray for her.

My new friend K, is very spiritual and doesn't believe in chance meetings either; age and gender are not noticed in spirituality. She builds my confidence. She helps me to stop looking at myself in ways other people do not; so why should I? I told her how I needed to see the doctor one day recently when I was feeling badly, and timing being everything it worked out that I did. We smiled at each other. It was all I needed to make my heart feel better. I had been running and something told me to head back at that very moment; timing is everything and the traffic lights were in my favor. Her window down, her deep eyes uncovered, and warm, knowing, loving smiles exchanged. I floated home! It was one year to the day. I'm in her heart. K says the doctor and I are not done yet..another message perhaps? All I know is that I have learned to listen.

I love you...

Look for my Valentine Card in the US mail

I was looking through Valentine cards for another woman actually; but as I read them I thought more and more of you. I know - bad! You're with another!

Anyway, then I spotted a certain birthday card with the picture of a little girl. Now, several months ago, I saw the same card and thought of how you must have looked like her as a little girl. Oh God! It just gripped my heart! I bought the card last time and found myself buying another of the same today! It was you my near as a little girl! I cut it up and slipped the picture of the little girl in with the Valentine's Day card! I know you think I'm a fool; but, I don't care!

You have this hold on my heart, that I can't explain. It's weird! Anyway, I miss you! It was great to see you when I did a few weeks ago...I couldn't believe you showed up! I think we both felt pretty comfortable around each other... I liked that so I hope this silly little card didn't substract anything and doesn't leave any negative efffects. I adore you! I can't help it. You know I'll never disrepect you ever again ( I probably will never get the chance - you're saying). I'm taking a chance now I know. I could be insulting you...since you are in a relationship ....just tell her I said "hi" :)

I only want to see you once in a while and spend the evening together and make love. I think I saw you looking at me while I was sitting on the floor..let me lend you a hand once in a while if you like - you know what are friends for..

I will always love you!

I hope you are doing okay. I miss you! Just wanted to let you know that. I may appear indifferent when I see you, but my heart hasn't changed, only my head and actions. I feel I have to appear that I don't care, when inside I love you like crazy! Please take care of yourself and know that I am always here for you. I will always love you, my summer love! And please don't feel bad or guilty that you don't feel the same or can't love or care for me at all. It's okay. I'm still here for you...always. I'm going to be that person you will be able to depend on.

I know you are happy with your new love and I am happy for you. My heart just aches a little once in a while when I think of you. I loved loving you. You are precious to me. I know you know that!

I will always love you! I treasure the loving warm moments that we had together. There is just something about you. I know it's hard for you; it's hard for me too! I will always be here for you; no matter who I am with. I want you in my life! But, I can't do without sex and loving, so I have to make do without you.

I know you are happy with your new love. I'm sure she loves you very much. You are very lovable you know! I think you're adorable! I loved loving you...I think you could tell!

I had to leave that night because I wanted you very much and couldn't stand to be there with while your mind someplace else. You were not in to me anymore I could tell. We should have talked. But, you saying "I don't do relationships" stuck in my mind. I was preparing myself for the end from the beginning. I half way pushed you away I know. I am so sorry. I got the message the end was near, so I ended it. But, nothing has changed on my end. I love you very much!

No matter where life takes you, please know that you can call or depend on me anytime, anywhere for anything. You are in my heart forever!

Gay Bar Attacker...kills himself!

There was a small article in Wednesday paper in which the capton read: Boston - Gay-bar attacker shot himself, police say (wonder why that is added?).

Supposively, the teen went on a rampage at a gay bar and killed two people then fatally shot himself during a gunfight with Arkansas police. He was 18 and fatally shot himself after he shot a woman who was in his car, that was after he killed a police office in Arkansas after leading police on a 20 miles chase before being stopped. Police were looking for him after he shot two men in a gay bar in Boston.

Hmm, makes me wonder? Did he hate gays? And if so, why? They said we hate in others what is inside of us! Did he go to a gay bar to kill what was laying inside of him?

We'll never know now, he's dead and so are four other people! Makes me wonder. Let's just say, maybe he was gay, for arguement sake. You know, there are many suicides each year by teens who are gay and can't face disappointing their parents and people who love them.

So, which bring me to this issue - why are we ashamed of being gay? Oh, because "society" - that almighty powerful religious society that causes so many heart to ache, decided, for god, that it was wrong! People, religious people, are declaring god's mistakes...gays are a mistake, god! God, you made a mistake!

"Oh, but we are not damning the person, only the action" says the self-declared human religious god! - Now this is pure bullshit, as I feel all organized religions are! And no, I'm not going to hell - you the religious are, I'm spiritual. I can't go to a place I don't believe in.

I feel that all organized religion have rules and law written by humans (men) to manipulate others, rule over people for a few leaders self-gain, or for male's self gain! Think about it! A higher than thou spirit of the universe is so powerful that that spirit would not have to discriminate amongst races or genders or sexual orientation.

As J. Z. Knight says in "What the Bleep Do We Know" how can a human offend this ALMIGHTY spirit, if there is such an overseer? We are mere peons in power; how can we offend this almighty spirit? Think about it!

So, here's my point! If this kid murderered people because of his hatred for his own sexuality it was needless! If were as a people; as a human race, were truly religious and righteous as we claim to be, why not let another human be free to be as he or she wishes to be. Why do people of power of religion and government discriminate. Since when are they better than the next guy! Since when do they get to judge another!

If everyone was spiritual and not religious there would be more peace in the world. By spirituality I mean we all recognize the power we each have within us; we are all gods says J.Z. Knight! Don't you get it? You have the power within, you don't need organized religion groups to "use" you to make a few male leaders feel powerful by having power over you!

Think about it! You can create your own day....just how powerful is that? You can make yourself sick with worry? Just how powerful is that? We can see what we want to see...we are the ultimate observers.

Get the DVD and watch it: "What the Bleep Do We Know?" and soon, later this month the sequel is coming: "How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?"

Don't be fooled only to be surprised and sorry after you pass...have an open mind and learn while you are here this time around..because if you don't get it.. you'll be back.

Religion has imprisoned you. I know, I'm a recovering catholic. If we even thought about attending another sector or religion's service we were told we would burn in hell....you now why they, the priests and nuns told us that, they didn't want to lose our membership "money". It was all bullshit!

We make our hell here on earth...there is no heaven or hell. Use common sense!

Realize your own powers...do not let a small group rule over you. You know what is right and wrong. You know what it takes to have friends. You know the golden rule.. that is all you need to know! You know that you need to be a productive citizen in society. You also know we need a certain amount of laws to keep order; such as traffic laws. It's only commen sense!

We what we don't need is religion belittling us or discriminating against us. And certainly government should be separated and not influenced by religion. It is done only to gain power over others.

Is someone being homosexual harmful to you? Just say. "No thanks, I'm not interested." No big deal! We only will hate something in someone else because that same thing is within us and we can't stand to face it because of social rules. And narrow minded scared, weak people fell the need to dominate others.

My father was an asshole bully, he picked on a little girl and tarmented her. How, weak and pitiful was that? I never respected the fucking jerk! But, I had to tolerate his bullshit until I was old enough to leave because back then there was no such thing as social services... priests etc.,all thought the same, women and children had NO rights! My mother was an asshole too for allowing it! She was no better only self-serving, controlling and manipulative! Oh, did I mention they were catholic!!!

Knees are healing, so is my heart! Miss You!

I think I think about you nearly everyday, but my heart doesn't ache so much anymore! You know I will always love you! Tuesday yet, I was really hurting, I guess I was hoping to see you!

Anyway, about me! My knees are feeling better I think I'll meet with the girls in the morning at 8:45 at the skating rink (frostbite series taking over usual place) and run around the park with them...they are trying for six miles. Well, I did it in the snow. Charles is having people at his house afterwards and then I'm meeting up with Liz for a walk in the park at 11:30...then I'm resting. The book club is coming over Saturday evening. I'm free this evening, if you want to see me!

Actually, my knees ache a little when I got up but felt better after I walked. I'm cured. Anyway, Kristi might feel bad if I'm not. She is very kindhearted...I think I'm falling. Who would have thought! We had such fun running in the park Wednesday. But, only had coffee on Thursday because I was hurting. She is very sweet! She gives me things and does things for me....very sweet! I"m "hot" and a "real catch"! Hmm?

Hmm! That bowl of soup was good! I had to have something hot, after the frozen fruit! I love frozen fruit from Sam's; I get berries too! I eat very healthy and I have fun with my friends..and run. What else could I possibly want! I'm happy, pain-free and just plain free. A free spirit! I left the awful family in another state! What a wonderful year I am having!

I played piano this morning, now guitar or maybe I'll work on my novel next. It's a lesbian love attempted murder mystery novel. I didn't have the heart to kill her, so she's still in the hospital...guess I need to write her out of there.

I'm trying to learn a few songs by heart on my guitar so I can play my guitar and sing at the annual kayak trip in September. I have plenty of time and should be ready by then..no excuses!

It's 37 out, will I'm still allowing my knees to heal. I miss you sweet baby! I wish I could kiss you on the head! If she leaves you and you get lonely (whatever) call me! I'm talking to you... my summer love!

I can hear the neighbor below me yell at her dog! Too funny! His name is Lou and he is a golden retriever; a fast growing pup! I would probably have to yell at him too! He needs room to run! She just got in her car and drove away..some days I take my laptop and do the same but Emma isn't dogging me today like she does some days.

I am discovering that I don't love and let go. No, I love and add on! I never did that with men or women in my straight days? But, yes, I guess I'm in a good place emotionally and mentally to love and add on loves. I lstill ove Teresa and I still love my summer love..and like I said earlier, I think I'm falling yet again...

Interesting! I'm excited! I think I'll flirt just a little...

Or, I could do yoga? Maybe real quick first...damn I just ate. I'll do it later. I need to do something today though because I do something every day!

I love you sweet baby!

Writing a Bust; Yoga a Must

Yeah, the writing class was not for me; I believe the woman worked for a particular publishin company and they were tuly looking to get people with interesting sob sorries that people can relate to published.

I didn't even bring up my story for there was a two religious people in the work group. I would have been ostracized. I don't think the instructor would have went along with my story either; it wasn't tragic enough, I'm sure.

My story is too subtle and straight people think that gay people should indeed fly under the radar. They do not want to know you are there; they don't want to see you. Just live in your misery; kill yourself, we don't care. You're odd! You're just trying to stand out and cause trouble. How dare you be different?

Lay in quiet of your angony; we don't care. Your parents will act like they don't know and ignore your needs of same sex love and how your heart aches. And after you cry and antonize telling them and finally do; they say: "Oh we always knew that!" Then why didn't you support my life style; but no, children are just so anxious to be loved and accepted (tell me why?) by their parents that they sacrifice all to be accepted and loved. I say "bullshit"! That is conditional love, not unconditional love!

Face it people! Parents have hang-ups; they have children to support some social acceptance need too! If their child is different it messes up "their" social acceptance - their needs! It's there goals, their appearance in society that they are worried about. Be yourself! Be gay and be happy - find love and support in your gay friends and be true to yourself.

So, being in a room filled with straight people; parents at that, I gave up on my dream. But, you needs them? If whinning baby James Frey can write a book (A Million Pieces) anyone can. Personally, I have no sympathy for the cry baby!

He got himself on drugs; he can get himself off of drugs! And personally, I do not believe that he underwent a root canal with out pain killing drugs. If you were a dentist would you even try? Bullshit! Memoirs, my ass; it's fiction at best!

Okay, I'm done - for now!

I love yoga! I signed up for another afternoon class via the junior college. So, now, that I ditched the writing class (who needs it? If I write my story, it will be more or less for my own achievement purposes - only a few would be printed - you know just enough to stir up interest and conversation throughout the family circle). By the way, I have had no contact with my family since early May 2005 and I am very happy! I'm a free woman - at last! I ditched the catholic guilt bullshit too! Organized religion is the biggest scam there is - wake up people! Believe in your heart - get spiritual. You have more power then what "they" want you to believe. Organized religion is the highest example of the control of others for mere self-interest and gain that I can think of.

As the day goes on and the Ibuprofen kicks in and on...my knees are beginning to feel fine. Running six miles in the falling snow and listening to the crush beneath my feet was priceless as was running with my running buddy. She's a burst of Spring!

My advice, not that you asked, but take Glucosamine Chondroitin, MSM, and gelatin faithfully. Yoga classes keep me stretched and flexible, maybe you too!

Remember you have more power than what you realize! Think it, dream it and watch it happen..so becareful what you wish for!

Watch "What the bleep do we know"!