I won't be going to M's on Tuesdays. Not worth it to me to walk around there on the streets. There has been reported gang initiation action and that's the worse kind.
Two men, either side, walked by a woman and one turned around and just punched her in the face - for no apparent reason. So, don't go there!
Several weeks ago my friend and I walked in TG park and went to city diner to eat when we returned to her car (and mine) her window was busted out.
So don't go there..
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Tonight - a nice quiet evening
Easter is non-existent to me as is family. I'll enjoy the day in solitude; first, running than possibly swimming, for sure reading.
This evening just relaxing and sitting back with my feet up. I'm tired. I could nap; but just as I did as a kid, I fight sleep!
Dreams bring scary moments. Two men at the door, once opened a hand prevents me from closing the door. I tried to push it shut - to smash the hand. But, I am extremely weak and helpless. I am so frightened that I awake myself and wonder why I dream scary dreams.
Dreams of love or laugher or happiness never occur; I only dream frightening, scary dreams. I wonder why?
Most dreams that occur are scary childhood events. I was frightened most of the time as a child. I was shy, insecure, scared. I had no one's arms to hold me and make me feel safe. They were cold, cruel and crass.
Kids had no rights, no thoughts worth hearing, so laugher and ridicule is the norm. Seen but not hear. A good kid was a quiet kid and did her chores; who listened and obeyed. Who was expected to marry.
I loved any women who was sweet to me. Affection and sweetness were foreign to me and a constant craving. I daydreamed of her. In my preferred quiet solitude I must have appeared autistic. It was better to be alone - safer, kinder.
As a young adult I did what was expected - dated. I went through the motions of dating him and loving her (unbeknownst to her of course). My heart was a constant ache. Many times I prayed to die. "Just take me, please".
My family had a quilt hold on me. I was not myself.
Finally, at 40 I can out; but, could barely bring myself to say the word.
I spent the next fifteen years with my best friend; her family and mine. My family out of guilt and a sense of duty.
Finally, 2004. I fell in love; although I never spent time with her, she saved my life - this love held me, kissed my cheek and brought life to my dying heart.
I separated from relationship and family and moved away. I found a physical sexual wonderful love. She too saved my life and brought me life. Although short lived our romance was breathtaking and wonderful.
I'm alone now and I don't care. I shut that part down again. I'll always love her. I love them all who offered me escape from my past life.
My friends are my family. I'm alone but safe. I'm loved.
The craving for affection ..that for some reason I looked for all my life is gone now. I love and make love to myself. I'm always here for me..that's the lessen I think I am supposed to learn. Solitude is safe.
I used to feel a sense of purpose or a need for love and affection but I have since ceased that notion. The life I can control is my own and no one elses. Love cannot be forced upon or coerced.
I am kind, giving and loving and blessed with wonerful friends.
I don't think about wanting to make love.
This evening just relaxing and sitting back with my feet up. I'm tired. I could nap; but just as I did as a kid, I fight sleep!
Dreams bring scary moments. Two men at the door, once opened a hand prevents me from closing the door. I tried to push it shut - to smash the hand. But, I am extremely weak and helpless. I am so frightened that I awake myself and wonder why I dream scary dreams.
Dreams of love or laugher or happiness never occur; I only dream frightening, scary dreams. I wonder why?
Most dreams that occur are scary childhood events. I was frightened most of the time as a child. I was shy, insecure, scared. I had no one's arms to hold me and make me feel safe. They were cold, cruel and crass.
Kids had no rights, no thoughts worth hearing, so laugher and ridicule is the norm. Seen but not hear. A good kid was a quiet kid and did her chores; who listened and obeyed. Who was expected to marry.
I loved any women who was sweet to me. Affection and sweetness were foreign to me and a constant craving. I daydreamed of her. In my preferred quiet solitude I must have appeared autistic. It was better to be alone - safer, kinder.
As a young adult I did what was expected - dated. I went through the motions of dating him and loving her (unbeknownst to her of course). My heart was a constant ache. Many times I prayed to die. "Just take me, please".
My family had a quilt hold on me. I was not myself.
Finally, at 40 I can out; but, could barely bring myself to say the word.
I spent the next fifteen years with my best friend; her family and mine. My family out of guilt and a sense of duty.
Finally, 2004. I fell in love; although I never spent time with her, she saved my life - this love held me, kissed my cheek and brought life to my dying heart.
I separated from relationship and family and moved away. I found a physical sexual wonderful love. She too saved my life and brought me life. Although short lived our romance was breathtaking and wonderful.
I'm alone now and I don't care. I shut that part down again. I'll always love her. I love them all who offered me escape from my past life.
My friends are my family. I'm alone but safe. I'm loved.
The craving for affection ..that for some reason I looked for all my life is gone now. I love and make love to myself. I'm always here for me..that's the lessen I think I am supposed to learn. Solitude is safe.
I used to feel a sense of purpose or a need for love and affection but I have since ceased that notion. The life I can control is my own and no one elses. Love cannot be forced upon or coerced.
I am kind, giving and loving and blessed with wonerful friends.
I don't think about wanting to make love.
Going Okay!
Seems I have nothing to complain about today. It's 4:00 PM, it's raining, and I'm relaxing; about to play my guitar and sing out a tune.
Last night I hosted poker with a good crowd of women. For some reason it seems they all have a good time while they are here and I'm glad. They even hung around afterwards talking about younger drunken days of wild adventures. Maybe my place just feels cozy; whatever the reason I'm glad they feel that way. We had a great time as always.
Guess what I just heard if you eat lots of Omega 3 fatty acids like from fish you are less likely to be a violent person. So eat lots of fish and spinach. It just goes to show you are what you eat. Omega 3's control behavior. It keeps the cells talking to one another in the brain and in the immune system.
After meeting up with my running group and enjoying a bagel afterwards I met friends at Sam's. They were on a quest to buy party supplies and had a whole cart full. They are very into square dancing which is not quite my cup of tea.
My hair is gettin long and is beginning to bug me. I am going to persevere a few more days before I get any trimming ideas.
My running buddies are talking about doing another half marathon locally in September. Why not?
More and more states are voting against any in building smoking and I am so glad. People wise up - you are giving yourself a death sentence and our insurance cost is rising because of these habitual practices. First of all you should be required to have proof of health insurance along with age id when you buy cigarettes. I think too you should have a bachelor's degree to buy cigarettes and hopefully by the time you have studied and obtained your degree you learn enough to stop smoking. Smoking makes you look stupid! Educated people do not smoke. If you smoke quit! Believe me it doesn't make anyone look cool; like I said; I makes you look stupid.
Get educated and get a decent job and make yourself prove!
Last night I hosted poker with a good crowd of women. For some reason it seems they all have a good time while they are here and I'm glad. They even hung around afterwards talking about younger drunken days of wild adventures. Maybe my place just feels cozy; whatever the reason I'm glad they feel that way. We had a great time as always.
Guess what I just heard if you eat lots of Omega 3 fatty acids like from fish you are less likely to be a violent person. So eat lots of fish and spinach. It just goes to show you are what you eat. Omega 3's control behavior. It keeps the cells talking to one another in the brain and in the immune system.
After meeting up with my running group and enjoying a bagel afterwards I met friends at Sam's. They were on a quest to buy party supplies and had a whole cart full. They are very into square dancing which is not quite my cup of tea.
My hair is gettin long and is beginning to bug me. I am going to persevere a few more days before I get any trimming ideas.
My running buddies are talking about doing another half marathon locally in September. Why not?
More and more states are voting against any in building smoking and I am so glad. People wise up - you are giving yourself a death sentence and our insurance cost is rising because of these habitual practices. First of all you should be required to have proof of health insurance along with age id when you buy cigarettes. I think too you should have a bachelor's degree to buy cigarettes and hopefully by the time you have studied and obtained your degree you learn enough to stop smoking. Smoking makes you look stupid! Educated people do not smoke. If you smoke quit! Believe me it doesn't make anyone look cool; like I said; I makes you look stupid.
Get educated and get a decent job and make yourself prove!
Friday, April 14, 2006
Wish it, Dream it, and Create Your Day and Life is Magical
I'm flying high and not quit sure why. Maybe because I had a Starbuck's Mocha. Maybe the it's a combination of Mocha and sharing the company of my very good friend this morning after riding bicycles in the park.
Maybe it's because of the above and taking the time this afternoon to visit a good friend in the hospital recuperating after surgery.
Maybe it's because I'm having good friends over to play poker this evening.
Or is because I spent time with my ex and a good friend last evening playing a round of golf and enjoying pizza on the patio in the warm spring breezes
Could it be because I feel like a kid who lives in town so close to all my friends and activities. Something I dreamed of since I was a kid isolated on a lonely farm way out in the country.
It's probably all the above - but it's all here around me, surrounding me with love
I love where I live and I'm so glad I moved from that "cold" state almost a year ago now. It was the best thing that I ever did! I feel loved here!
Everything I pray for the best for the special people who touched my life last year and made it all possible: L, T, and D
Made the universe be with you.
I'm still high from the half-marathon I ran last Sunday. Days before I imagined it and I wanted it to be magical. With only three hours sleep I ran 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 14 minutes. But I realized the following day what made it magical and that is that I came in 13th of 124 runners in the 55-59 age group. And I'm at the upper end of that age group at 58. So, I am very pleased and it feels very magical and special to me. Anything that made it magical is that I came across the finish line strong. I felt great! I was flying high the next day and play nine holes of golf; walking, carrying my golf clubs on my back.
I am truly blessed. (Glucosamine Chondroitin and Accel Gel helps too!)
Wish it, dream it and create your day...and life is magical
Maybe it's because of the above and taking the time this afternoon to visit a good friend in the hospital recuperating after surgery.
Maybe it's because I'm having good friends over to play poker this evening.
Or is because I spent time with my ex and a good friend last evening playing a round of golf and enjoying pizza on the patio in the warm spring breezes
Could it be because I feel like a kid who lives in town so close to all my friends and activities. Something I dreamed of since I was a kid isolated on a lonely farm way out in the country.
It's probably all the above - but it's all here around me, surrounding me with love
I love where I live and I'm so glad I moved from that "cold" state almost a year ago now. It was the best thing that I ever did! I feel loved here!
Everything I pray for the best for the special people who touched my life last year and made it all possible: L, T, and D
Made the universe be with you.
I'm still high from the half-marathon I ran last Sunday. Days before I imagined it and I wanted it to be magical. With only three hours sleep I ran 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 14 minutes. But I realized the following day what made it magical and that is that I came in 13th of 124 runners in the 55-59 age group. And I'm at the upper end of that age group at 58. So, I am very pleased and it feels very magical and special to me. Anything that made it magical is that I came across the finish line strong. I felt great! I was flying high the next day and play nine holes of golf; walking, carrying my golf clubs on my back.
I am truly blessed. (Glucosamine Chondroitin and Accel Gel helps too!)
Wish it, dream it and create your day...and life is magical
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I'm Better Now
I'm better now. It's 11:11 P.M. and I'm better.
I rode my bicycle in the park, and although motorist can be quit something all-in-all the ride was good.
The guys did a great tune-up and the bicycle runs good. I think Easter I may do the trail across the river and make a big loop of 32 miles are more. I'll go in the morning before the crowds venture out; but then again Easter could be slow.
I'll be spending Easter alone. I ditched the family about a year ago; well, I haven't missed them yet. I'm free for the first time in my life of any mental, guilt or duty games. I'm free to be me and not some matriarchal servant.
I'll miss my summer 05 love. I think about her on every holiday and usually every day. I'm glad when I'm busy with someone so I don't think of her. I think I am getting better. It's only now, when someone asked, or if I see her name too added to emailed event planning. I wish her the best. She'll always be in my heart. I know that I am the farthest thing from her mind. Actually, she was very hard to be with and I measured every word. but, there were many times I felt needed and loved and I loved loving her. Her wonderful love filled a void in my heart; she went away but the memory of her spirit remains.
This evening too, my mind was occupied for I hit balls with S and L and then we decided to play nine holes. The weather was beautiful and the gentle warm evening breeze relaxing and invigorating at the same time. We got pizza afterwards.
Tommorow bicycle riding in the park with K and I hope her knee is good still. She has been taking glucosamine chondoitin every day. I take two in morning and two in the mornin. I feel wonderful!
Speaking of feeling wonderful I placed 13th amongst 174 half marathoners on Sunday. I was both shocked and proud. I was thrilled to death when I saw the race results in the paper. It was a fabulous run and I did it on three hours of sleep and one Valium. Actually, taken at 2:00 A.M. when I found that I could not get to sleep. I tried everything but had to reach desperate means when I knew I had to get up at 5:00 A.M. As soon as I took the Valium ( and I don't usually take them so it's a wonder I found any in my home) I mentally relaxed and fell right to sleep. I felt refreshed too and ready to go at 5:00 A.M. What a great beautiful day and I thank the universe for my good healthy, safety, pain-free life and running spree. I am most fortunate and I realize that gift.
Good night! Thanks for the fabulous day. Please keep the following safe, pain-free, happy, loved, brillant, talented and loving me: L, T, D, K and the little naked woman; oh and me! Thanks for everthing and for keeping me in good health, safe
I rode my bicycle in the park, and although motorist can be quit something all-in-all the ride was good.
The guys did a great tune-up and the bicycle runs good. I think Easter I may do the trail across the river and make a big loop of 32 miles are more. I'll go in the morning before the crowds venture out; but then again Easter could be slow.
I'll be spending Easter alone. I ditched the family about a year ago; well, I haven't missed them yet. I'm free for the first time in my life of any mental, guilt or duty games. I'm free to be me and not some matriarchal servant.
I'll miss my summer 05 love. I think about her on every holiday and usually every day. I'm glad when I'm busy with someone so I don't think of her. I think I am getting better. It's only now, when someone asked, or if I see her name too added to emailed event planning. I wish her the best. She'll always be in my heart. I know that I am the farthest thing from her mind. Actually, she was very hard to be with and I measured every word. but, there were many times I felt needed and loved and I loved loving her. Her wonderful love filled a void in my heart; she went away but the memory of her spirit remains.
This evening too, my mind was occupied for I hit balls with S and L and then we decided to play nine holes. The weather was beautiful and the gentle warm evening breeze relaxing and invigorating at the same time. We got pizza afterwards.
Tommorow bicycle riding in the park with K and I hope her knee is good still. She has been taking glucosamine chondoitin every day. I take two in morning and two in the mornin. I feel wonderful!
Speaking of feeling wonderful I placed 13th amongst 174 half marathoners on Sunday. I was both shocked and proud. I was thrilled to death when I saw the race results in the paper. It was a fabulous run and I did it on three hours of sleep and one Valium. Actually, taken at 2:00 A.M. when I found that I could not get to sleep. I tried everything but had to reach desperate means when I knew I had to get up at 5:00 A.M. As soon as I took the Valium ( and I don't usually take them so it's a wonder I found any in my home) I mentally relaxed and fell right to sleep. I felt refreshed too and ready to go at 5:00 A.M. What a great beautiful day and I thank the universe for my good healthy, safety, pain-free life and running spree. I am most fortunate and I realize that gift.
Good night! Thanks for the fabulous day. Please keep the following safe, pain-free, happy, loved, brillant, talented and loving me: L, T, D, K and the little naked woman; oh and me! Thanks for everthing and for keeping me in good health, safe
Crying Time
On this beautiful day, I am only going to allow myself about five minutes of crying time.
I'm just feeling very unloved today. My heart hurts. I could die today and not care..just as long as it's quick. I'm going for a bicycle ride, usually I worry about the motorist.
I am just about as cute and sweet as can be...but screwed up. I had a love last summer. I loved her dearly, but didn't know how to handle a lover. I pushed her away.
Would you believe at this stage in my life I can actually look in a mirror front, back and side view and think I look damn cute. You should see my butt in these jeans! I haven't lost weight, but re-sculptured my body by watchng what I eat and exercising like hell: yoga, bicycling, running, swimming even a little golf.
So why do I feel like crying and dying today? I only need someone to make sweet tender love to me. Never have I thought that that would be just a difficult thing to achieve in this life time. No one in my life has tenderly loved and nurtured me. I'm not complaining, well a little, but stating a fact. My love last summer was very loving, my heart didn't know what to do with it. See! I am so lost! If I had it in front of my face, I would screw it up anyway!
I pray and ask the universe to help me..but I realize that I am in control over my life and destiny. So, I am the one who has to jump this hurdle to find sweet love. I want the freedom of being myself because I finally have gotten to a wonderful place of appreciating my own reflection. I dance to the rhythm of my own drum beat, some think it's noise but it's music to my ears. Still, my heart longs for sweet love and affection. I just want to be held and kissed all over and feel the love; but, the love needs to be geniune and I would recognize the difference.
I tried real hard to look the best I can so love would come easy..but it doesn't. Oh, of course I'm particular. I miss my summer love with excruciating pain.
Well, off for that ride....may the universe be with me.
I'm just feeling very unloved today. My heart hurts. I could die today and not care..just as long as it's quick. I'm going for a bicycle ride, usually I worry about the motorist.
I am just about as cute and sweet as can be...but screwed up. I had a love last summer. I loved her dearly, but didn't know how to handle a lover. I pushed her away.
Would you believe at this stage in my life I can actually look in a mirror front, back and side view and think I look damn cute. You should see my butt in these jeans! I haven't lost weight, but re-sculptured my body by watchng what I eat and exercising like hell: yoga, bicycling, running, swimming even a little golf.
So why do I feel like crying and dying today? I only need someone to make sweet tender love to me. Never have I thought that that would be just a difficult thing to achieve in this life time. No one in my life has tenderly loved and nurtured me. I'm not complaining, well a little, but stating a fact. My love last summer was very loving, my heart didn't know what to do with it. See! I am so lost! If I had it in front of my face, I would screw it up anyway!
I pray and ask the universe to help me..but I realize that I am in control over my life and destiny. So, I am the one who has to jump this hurdle to find sweet love. I want the freedom of being myself because I finally have gotten to a wonderful place of appreciating my own reflection. I dance to the rhythm of my own drum beat, some think it's noise but it's music to my ears. Still, my heart longs for sweet love and affection. I just want to be held and kissed all over and feel the love; but, the love needs to be geniune and I would recognize the difference.
I tried real hard to look the best I can so love would come easy..but it doesn't. Oh, of course I'm particular. I miss my summer love with excruciating pain.
Well, off for that ride....may the universe be with me.
Good Night!
Maybe it was the chirping birds that woke me up at 4:00 AM. Just as well, I left my take home food in the car, along with my camera. I forgot to take the trash out last night. So, took care of that dark and early this morning.
We had a nice time at the celebrating J's birthday last night. Then K and I "Momento" which is one weird movie.
Tomorow we'll stretch our legs on the bicycles in the park. We are starting out easy to make sure K's knee is okay with it. Her knee is much better and doesn't hurt anymore. She claimed Glucosamine Chondoitin helped immensely.
I ran yesterday about 11.2 miles; maybe a little too soon after running the half-marathon on Sunday. I was tired last night. I think I'm taking it easy today. Well, that is unless I get a brain storm to work out at the gym and swim.
K found out I got Melissa tickets for her birthday. I hope she likes it. It's good to have her in my life. I am so looking forward to it. I got good seats. I hope! Maybe I'll get a confirmation on or after the 15th.
Time for a nap before the sun rises and wakes me up.
We had a nice time at the celebrating J's birthday last night. Then K and I "Momento" which is one weird movie.
Tomorow we'll stretch our legs on the bicycles in the park. We are starting out easy to make sure K's knee is okay with it. Her knee is much better and doesn't hurt anymore. She claimed Glucosamine Chondoitin helped immensely.
I ran yesterday about 11.2 miles; maybe a little too soon after running the half-marathon on Sunday. I was tired last night. I think I'm taking it easy today. Well, that is unless I get a brain storm to work out at the gym and swim.
K found out I got Melissa tickets for her birthday. I hope she likes it. It's good to have her in my life. I am so looking forward to it. I got good seats. I hope! Maybe I'll get a confirmation on or after the 15th.
Time for a nap before the sun rises and wakes me up.
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