Crying Time

On this beautiful day, I am only going to allow myself about five minutes of crying time.

I'm just feeling very unloved today. My heart hurts. I could die today and not care..just as long as it's quick. I'm going for a bicycle ride, usually I worry about the motorist.

I am just about as cute and sweet as can be...but screwed up. I had a love last summer. I loved her dearly, but didn't know how to handle a lover. I pushed her away.

Would you believe at this stage in my life I can actually look in a mirror front, back and side view and think I look damn cute. You should see my butt in these jeans! I haven't lost weight, but re-sculptured my body by watchng what I eat and exercising like hell: yoga, bicycling, running, swimming even a little golf.

So why do I feel like crying and dying today? I only need someone to make sweet tender love to me. Never have I thought that that would be just a difficult thing to achieve in this life time. No one in my life has tenderly loved and nurtured me. I'm not complaining, well a little, but stating a fact. My love last summer was very loving, my heart didn't know what to do with it. See! I am so lost! If I had it in front of my face, I would screw it up anyway!

I pray and ask the universe to help me..but I realize that I am in control over my life and destiny. So, I am the one who has to jump this hurdle to find sweet love. I want the freedom of being myself because I finally have gotten to a wonderful place of appreciating my own reflection. I dance to the rhythm of my own drum beat, some think it's noise but it's music to my ears. Still, my heart longs for sweet love and affection. I just want to be held and kissed all over and feel the love; but, the love needs to be geniune and I would recognize the difference.

I tried real hard to look the best I can so love would come easy..but it doesn't. Oh, of course I'm particular. I miss my summer love with excruciating pain.

Well, off for that ride....may the universe be with me.