Tonight - a nice quiet evening

Easter is non-existent to me as is family. I'll enjoy the day in solitude; first, running than possibly swimming, for sure reading.

This evening just relaxing and sitting back with my feet up. I'm tired. I could nap; but just as I did as a kid, I fight sleep!

Dreams bring scary moments. Two men at the door, once opened a hand prevents me from closing the door. I tried to push it shut - to smash the hand. But, I am extremely weak and helpless. I am so frightened that I awake myself and wonder why I dream scary dreams.

Dreams of love or laugher or happiness never occur; I only dream frightening, scary dreams. I wonder why?

Most dreams that occur are scary childhood events. I was frightened most of the time as a child. I was shy, insecure, scared. I had no one's arms to hold me and make me feel safe. They were cold, cruel and crass.

Kids had no rights, no thoughts worth hearing, so laugher and ridicule is the norm. Seen but not hear. A good kid was a quiet kid and did her chores; who listened and obeyed. Who was expected to marry.

I loved any women who was sweet to me. Affection and sweetness were foreign to me and a constant craving. I daydreamed of her. In my preferred quiet solitude I must have appeared autistic. It was better to be alone - safer, kinder.

As a young adult I did what was expected - dated. I went through the motions of dating him and loving her (unbeknownst to her of course). My heart was a constant ache. Many times I prayed to die. "Just take me, please".

My family had a quilt hold on me. I was not myself.

Finally, at 40 I can out; but, could barely bring myself to say the word.

I spent the next fifteen years with my best friend; her family and mine. My family out of guilt and a sense of duty.

Finally, 2004. I fell in love; although I never spent time with her, she saved my life - this love held me, kissed my cheek and brought life to my dying heart.

I separated from relationship and family and moved away. I found a physical sexual wonderful love. She too saved my life and brought me life. Although short lived our romance was breathtaking and wonderful.

I'm alone now and I don't care. I shut that part down again. I'll always love her. I love them all who offered me escape from my past life.

My friends are my family. I'm alone but safe. I'm loved.

The craving for affection ..that for some reason I looked for all my life is gone now. I love and make love to myself. I'm always here for me..that's the lessen I think I am supposed to learn. Solitude is safe.

I used to feel a sense of purpose or a need for love and affection but I have since ceased that notion. The life I can control is my own and no one elses. Love cannot be forced upon or coerced.

I am kind, giving and loving and blessed with wonerful friends.

I don't think about wanting to make love.