The Guilt Thing

I was running this morning and thinking, God, thank you for this most beautiful day. It is a perfect day! I am so happy! I'm so calm, peaceful and I feel love. The sky is crystal clear and bright blue. The air is brisk and dry. The sun glistens on the blades of fresh green grass; its thick and luscious and begs you to run through it. The world is wonderful! While I'm out there running with arms and legs pumping, I pray and express appreciation for my lack of pain, and the absence of any knee problems. I'm healthy, happy, and content. And it is usually, on my happiest days, that my mother has to rear her head and mess it all up for me!

From across the way, she sends her guilt tripping, controlling, obligating messages. God, that woman can't take a hint. Go away Arlene! Every once in a while I get a premonition that one day I will put an eye up to the peep hole of my front door and see her with my brother or sister or both. I guess I just won't answer that door if that happens!

I do not wish to associate with them; I guess they can't take a hint. I have been shy, quiet and nice for years; I was silented. I have gone along with the program to try to make nice; no longer can I do it! I am happy here, away from them, can't they see the obvious?

They are so negative; complaining all the time. I know their agenda! they want to rope me in to provide service; to live my life for her and to bring me down. Her agenda is to win! She must win and conquer; she must have her way. You see I'm the sick one here; there is obviously something wrong with me? It's been like this all of my life! She is very obstinate; once she sinks her teeth into something, she won't let up! I can't do it! I want desperately to be free of them. I want to be happy! I want this heavy weighted feeling to leave my gut. God, please help me!

I received a moanful birthday card; oh how she loves me, misses me. She demands: "Call me!" Let's have lunch and talk. Go away Arlene! Can't you take a hint! I owe you nothing! I have served you for for too many years already and I can't do it any more. You bring me down! You drain the life out of me! I'm in therapy because of you for God's sake, so away! So, now the guilt comes at me like a silent, slivering, snake crawling slowly up to me as I lay in the grass.

That good catholic upbringing will do it to you. My mother would wish evil on me! It would kill her to know that I am happy; she has such a negative attitude and likes to keep everyone down there with her. I can't stand to be in her company. I have to fight the catholic guilt that tells me now, since I haven't continued to "walk the line" that "no one" will ever love me and I will never find happiness; because I am being punished!

I have been trying to separate myself for months and "thought" that I had it accomplished. They drive me insane! I was doing fine; just getting to a good place and then this. Now, I'm flustered, desperate, angry and can't think straight; now my whole day is botched. I won't be able to concentrate to read, or do anything. God please make them go away! Please!

It is two hours later now, and I have just a tiny littl hint of guilt; I'm mostly just aggravated now. I just don't want them knocking at my door! I have no intentions of responding! I say, like I did when I was a kid. "Pretend I'm not here; pretend I don't exist, okay?" She never took the hint than either. To her, I'm a piece of property to treat anyway she wants. A servant; to make sure Arlene stays entertained!

There is no way that I am calling her! I have no desire to talk to the woman. She is only interested in "winning" and fixing me!
Please God help me!