Seen and Not Heard

I lived in a world of authoritarianism and isolation as a kid. Don't make noise, don't move, don't speak until you are spoken to, were childhood messages. Adults were valued, children were tolerated and intrinsically evil beings who had to be trained. Their inherent bad habits had to be broken.

Affection, hugs, and kisses were withheld for fear of spoiling the child. I lived in a world where displaying affection, sensitivity and love were signs of weakness; but on the other hand, cruelty, displays of anger and violence were acceptable acts of behavior and signs of strength.

Authoritarianism, parental arguing, displays of hatefulness, drinking, and killing animals and pets opening were signs of strength and lessons to learn; walk the line and keep your mouth shut. Don't let the dog loose!

Males were valued over females by other males and even by mothers. Girls had their purpose though. Girls were taught to be caregivers, and docile beings ready to serve other people's needs. There was no fighting the system, I just did what I was told; it was better to just put your mind in neutral.

I lacked confidence and was shy, and I still am. At times I may appear to be confident. I'm more shy if I should happen to care. So, I try not too. But, I'm sensitive and a little intuitive and every once in a while I stumble and fall.

I learned at a very early age not to count on anyone but myself. I learned at an early, very early age, not to expect anything from anyone, certainly not my family, and certainly not love. I tried not to ask for anything from them; and ultimately became very self-sufficent. When I was a kid, I felt trapped; I just had to wait until I was old enough to move out and be on my own.

I love to learn, but was never encouraged to further my education. My parents were of little education, and controlling me meant keeping me down there with them, on the farm, to take care of them as they aged. Afer all that is what people had kids for, to take care of them!

Lessons I learned of life I learned by over hearing my parents complain about other people. I learned not to trust, anyone!

I was terribly shy at school. An older student, an eighth grader was assigned to me, she was very kind. Although, I wasn't sure what that feeling was, it felt good and warm to my heart. My first crush. I knew she would never feel the same, but go off to marry. Through my youth I found, I love girls, they love boys. When I was not interested in boys, my mother would say. "Don't hide in the house!" and "Don't be backward!" Eventually, I dated. I was cute and shy so unfortunately asked out a lot. I was taught to be docile, polite and did what was suggested. A natural peacekeeper!

Funny, how those core feelings stick with you - for life. I think it odd that I have the capacity to love as I do; and it is a sort of lifetime love, it doesn't go away, maybe it fads a little with heartache, but it doesn't really go away.

I try to cover it, but I'm shy in crowds. You'll never see me be the entertainer; I'm the one who laughs and listens to the entertainer. My thoughts get more confused when I'm put on the carpet. I've learned to ask people questions, to get them talking, that way I don't have to talk about myself. Most people talk about their siblings and parents and the things they do together. I can't because I don't associate any longer with mine.

Surprisingly enough, I was in a long term relationship. I lived it according to the lessons I learned in my youth. Therapist say we gravitate towards people who are like our mothers. Well, I did just that, I guess, I hate to admit. I trust her though and still do and still feel very close. She cares about me; but, I had to leave. I'm looking for something? I told her, it's bigger than both of us! I didn't know what that meant, I still don't. I feel like I'm on some kind of a mission. Maybe its just the sense of freedom. I love my independence - its safe! But, I have this little ache in my heart as if something, someone, were missing. I'm feeling a little uncertain, restless and posed to bolt!