It has been quit a year for me! I was merely existing in my mundane and I guess a little boring life. I had not worked for a year and kept it a secret. I was afraid of the demands that would be placed on my "free" time. I didn't tell my family for fear that Catholic guilt and the sense of family duty would enslave me.
So I became a little more deceiving than I had already been, which actually was not at all that difficult to do. They being Catholic and me being lesbian; well, they didn't really get that! The family just pretty much tuned me out and ignored my personal life. I found that I never mentioned things to them that were important to me for fear that they would not approve, be uncomfortable, not understand and not be accepting. Now, I wonder was I protecting them or myself?
People are so amazing! When gay issues were, on occasion, brought up by my partner, more so than myself, they would suddenly become trace- like deaf mutes! I soon learned to stop trying to connect with these people. They are obviously takers and not givers.
I was just pretty much a loner, mining my own business; yes, a little lonely but I thought that I was getting along reasonably well. I was beginning to picture the rest of my life and realized that it was so predictable. But, none the less everything was in place and all set - no excitement to it, though. Everything was good except except my whole life!
I realized that I was daydreaming a lot, like I did when I was a kid, and had no control of anything and I was scared and lonely.
Then one day it happened! Suddenly my whole world changed! It was like I was hit by a ton a bricks right smack dab in the head. I fell in love! She was the sweetest most considerate, and compassionate person I have ever met. She was like one of those older girls in school that I fell in love with because they were so beautiful, sweet and kind to me . Oh, how my heart ached for her gentle affection! I had not felt like this for anyone in many years. I didn't know what had come over me. My heart beat wildly all the time. I found that she was on my mind both day and night. And I loved it! I felt this strong connection with her as if our souls had connected before in a past life.
She did not know what I felt for her. Then one day when I was sad and told her that I was slipping out of my fifteen year relationship, she unexpectedly hugged me for a long time; as long as I needed to be hugged. I felt her warmth and love envelope me and encompass my whole being. I felt loved! Sometimes I think she might have saved my life.
Although unobtainable she gave her love and felt my pain that day almost a year ago now. I still think of her often. I miss her! Funny how only moments spent with someone can feel like a lifetime of love! My life changed that day, I changed. She doesn't know it, but I feel that she was my catalyst to change. After meeting her, I realized that I needed to make many changes in my life and that my own happiness was rightfully important. I realized that there was no reason to devote my life, sacrifice my happiness, compromise myself for anyone. Because no one else was more important than myself. No one was better than me and I did not owe anything to anyone!
Within several months I found myself living alone and loving it. I had my own space with freedom to do with as only I wished. I decided to move and buy a condo in the city. I didn't tell my family that I moved - well eventually I did but I didn't volunteer an address or phone number! Funny, I have no desire to speak to them nor they me. I don't miss them. I'll just leave it at that! As far as I know they have not bothered to try to find me.
I love my new home near all of my wonderful friends. My ex-partner and I remain friends and I am grateful for that. She is very important to me. She is a stable constant being and someone who keeps me grounded just by knowing she is there.
A few months ago, I fell in love. She is a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful woman. We started out strong, and I assumed more than I should have and she pulled back some. And now I know it will never be the way it was. We are both too independent. Love is a wonderful thing but sometimes with love comes heartache; I believe you can not have one without the other and I am fine with that. I would much rather love and then experience heartache than not love at all. She is a wonderful person and I am glad to have her in my life. She has a good heart!
Yes, there has been many new experiences this year. This past year; my 57th year, I began running in competition and have won three awards out of four attempts. Not bad! It is fun for me because there is less competition in my age group which makes it a little more easier to win. I love the work out and I feel good about myself!
I feel good about myself but I still have that need, well a little part of me does, to heal a broken heart and to give love where it is needed. I have to ponder this - for I believe that we want to help others in ways, that we ourselves are looking to be helped. This is really not about me loving and caring for her, I think it is about me and my own heart repair. I think I put out there what I myself would like in return. Just something to ponder in my 58th year!
I has been a life change and wonderful year hopefully I did not leave too much heartache in my wake.
It is going to be another great year, I can feel it in my soul. I have come a long way and the journey is becoming more enjoyable each year. They say 60 is the new 30, well maybe 40 ish. Anyway you look at it - I feel blessed!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment