Bullshit!

It's windy, very windy but I'm going to try running. I need to - the sun is out shinny brightly and it's about 50 degrees. But just a little windy.

I'm buying a cell phone from X, now we have to try to make it work. We'll be making a trip to Cingular I think this evening. I will force her to be my audience this evening while I attempt to entertain - I need to overcome my fears. I'm shy when I play in front of the instructor. I hate that!

The instructor, she's curious - I can tell. You know like what's my story, so was C; curious that is. The one that said I was a "good catch"! To my humorous mind that is a hoot to hear. "It was fun hanging out with you." She says as she leaves. Very social, this one!

But, I woke up thinking about you this morning, like I normally do. I still think the universe made me love you for a reason; somehow though, you never got the same message. I don't know why things have to be so difficult. Really, I wish I didn't care so much - it's hard and it holds me back from other adventures. Still, she grips my heart and hangs on like I'm suppose to save her or something. She doesn't need saving or loving, she is perfectly fine just the way she is, in her own private world. I wanted to free her of herself - I can't do that. It's untrue, love does not conquer all.

I can only offer love and if it is rejected then it's rejected and that's all. But, I feel her pain, why do I feel her pain. I have to let it go, I know. I know she hurts and know she feels. She can't relate, she can't feel love for another I think is what she tried to tell me. She goes through the motions because that goes along with love making. She can't hug back and that breaks my heart; she can't feel. It's all turned off. It's only put on hold I'm hoping.

I want to comfort her and heal her with love but it's rejected. She feels she has cheated me because she can't love me back. She's need not feel that way. She can take all the love from me she needs. She need not worry about returning love.

I'm trying to remember how it was when I was like that. I have had many people when I was very young trying to show me love and I rejected it. It's a state of confusion. I wanted love; I hurt reall bad, but when it was offered I pushed it away. It was as if I knew in advance no one could understand my pain and couldn't help me and I don't want you love now go away. It turned me off actually, as if feelings were a sign of weakness. But, I felt empty and hollow. And I only loved beauties and sweetness from a safe distance. I felt love for old girls and movie stars. Females (they were all female) out of reach. Because it was safe. In my head I could create any loving scenerio I dreamed of. But, there were no arms around me. No silky hair, no soft cheeks, and no wonderfully arms around me until the good doctor.

Wow, that is much too long to wait for anything. It makes my heart bleed thinking about it. But the women made me feel so loved, was it because I finally let her in. God, she saved my life. I finally let someone love me.

I can't compare the experience with her to my many years with my X. She and I had a wonderful friendship for many years. There was never no passion. It's hard to explain the different types of love that there must be. I think X was more like my mother not able to show affection. Therapist have told me that we tend to choose types that we are familiar with.

God, my love, when you do free your heart I hope that doesn't happen to you. Please love someone that is warm and will love you back. You need softness and warmth. Don't waste the years like I did. I wasted the best years of my life, because I let society, parents, religion and the media rule my thinking (but never my heart).

I have read somewhere that as spirits, as we are, we have a plan when we decide to visit earth in human form. We choose our parents (in my case to teach me to love myself) and even choose everything about us, intelligence and our looks. Well, that is hard for me to believe sometimes. But, I'll go along with it for me until I see the whole picture. We pick the date and time when we are born. Okay, so if I choose my parents and the time I'm going to be born - thus my zodiac sign (in my case - Libra) I then must have chosen the time that my parents were going to have sex! Right? How else? Unless I just pick like-minded parents. No, my parents were too unique! A couple of Hitler offsprings! Talk about no emotions - well only for herself. And men were not "supposed" (I hate that word, my mother used it all the time) to show emotions. People were ruled by some authoritory laws; how ignorant was that! But, that is what it was all about - rules. If you showed a child affection (whatever the hell that was - a hug?) you risked spoiling the child.

No wonder it took me years to overcome the teachings of society and now I'm fucking fifty years old and have wasted all that time. Now you know why I don't speak to any of those people. They fucked me over! Now you know why I never had kids - I never wanted to fuck them over! I had too much love in my heart to treat a kid that way and my mother would have been right there in my face and I couldn't stand her. Besides I was a lesbian. I was forced to deny my identity. Am I angry, why yes I am. I was cheated out of a life of love, warm and female sex. Sex with men, meant obsolutely nothing to me but pleasure, my heart missed the warmth of another woman lying naked next to me. It had never really happened until the summer of 2005.

Do you believe it? I'm writing the book! For awhile I thought oh why write it; society has changed enough and people are no longer so restricted and so narrow minded - bullshit. I watched LOGO the other day about young people afraid to come out to their parents and others. And I think, this shit is still going on; someone needs to open the minds of people. There are young people killing themselves because they are afraid of disappointing their ignorant parents. People do not give enough credit to very young people and that is because people of victims of organized religions. I know, I know I'm going to hell because I'm going up against the big boys (big WHITE boys) of the church. And I say: "Bullshit!" Just like George Corlin says: "Bullshit".

As you can well see I'm spiritual not religious in my thinking merely because it makes more sense. For one thing, the people running organized religion want to control you they do not want you to realize the divine power that you do have. If you are spiritual there is no need for controlling, money demanding religions. I now I'm going to hell.. And I say: "bullshit".

I'm been bullshited enough in my life. I am here to learn and I have learned quit a bit. I'm choose my sign, Libra. We are balanced, try to keep peace and teach by example (guess I better get out there and run). And I say civilization as we know it now in the 21st century as a long way to go in learning about our purposes in life. I think, from what I am gathering by my spirituality classes is that we are here to love one another. Yes, civilization was we know it as a long way to go. We (not me I'd say religion, media, governement) rule by greed and prejudice. How else can you feel powerful, if you are not kicking some smaller guy around - that is not god like. It's certianly not spiritual. It's like our forefathers writing up the declarations of independence and saying: All men are created equal. What a joke that was. First of all they excluded women and second of all, our forefathers hyprocritically "owned" slaves. Bullshit I say!

And wasn't Chrisopher Columbus our first real terrorist?

You get the feeling you are being used and fooled and that there is some self-serving going on here? Religions and government - big powers that claim to be looking out for us - bullshit. It's all bullshit, they are only looking out for their profits and benefits. You can't be a big shot leader if you don't have peon followers.

Adam and Eve sinned and got kicked out of the garden of paradise. In other words, you better follow the rules are no one is going to like you. Just petty ignorance even in their rules. Remember the witch hunts? No wonder people followed the rules...follow or die.

Communist North Korea. Hello, Mr Bush, why don't you feel those people where their leader is publically killing people to show examples of "do not try to leave the country". Oh, I know why Mr Bush is not worried even about the nuclear weapons the leader claim to be building; there is no OIL there.

You see there is a limited supply of oil left, natural gas, will be the next shortage. So, the creedy little white boys, the bush clan since daddy started in the oil business, wants to claim all the oil in the Middle East. Personally, I think! Although we are getting most of our oil from Africa now and I believe some from Russia. But the bottom line is, we are not in Iraq to democratize their country. They are not helpless in no shape or form, haven't they been getting along without our presence for centuries? We are not there to humane reasons, if we truly were, we would be in North Korea right now. It seems if we are, then our government conveniently picks and choose what country we are going to help? What about fighting communisim in North Korea? What about the poor starving people in Africa dying of aids? Our government just sort of conveniently forgot about the 70's fight against communism when it comes to admittedly nuclear power in the asrsenal, North Korea. I thought we were worried about our security? Hmm, and North Korea is friends with communist China? But, we do lots of corporate business with China; but don't we?

As a matter of fact, our economy is based on China and I believe Japan honoring our national debt loan. Yes, if they defaulted, we would be in big trouble. Where would our economy be then? Hmm, I'm beginning to see a big picture.

Funny, how the media picks and chooses things to attact our attention; you know, like gays and aniabortion laws. Bullshit! Again, I say bullshit! It's a mere diversion, a distraction so the big boys have you thinking about one thing while they pull the wool over the eyes about other things.

Don't you think it's funny how Haliburton and the matter of oil is hardly ever mentioned when it comes to news reports about Iraq?

My suggestions would be for you to read "American Dynasty" by Kevin Phillips and then too read all the books you can. You will find more truths in books; yes, read both sides of the aisle. And then form your own opinion. Are you a mere ditto head or can you read and decide for yourself?

Okay, I feel better - I don't even need that run now. I've decided it's much too windy and will only blow dirt in my face and eyes; not worth it. I'll go to the recreation center instead.

Another good book "The World is Flat" by James L. Friedman. It's all about how American corporations are going global and the question so what country to they honor as far as ideals are concerned. Corporations could have their headquarters anywhere in the world, which country is honored and where is ti all going. It is most interesting! It will definetely affect the job market and your economical future. Personally, I think that by 2020, the world well be at peace, we would have had to recover from more natural (or man made global warming) disasters. By then for sure renewable fuels will be used. I predict that there will be two global organization the East and the West and we will get along, by then people will be enlightened enough to know that war is a stupid human act not a spiritual godless act. One cannot kill in the man of religion and still get away with it! Bullshit!

Catch me if you can!

The wind blows my hair onto my face and in my eyes. Yes, it is getting just that long and I have resisted the urge to "cut"! I am so fortunate because it is wavely. Funny, my mother always insisted I get perms because of my collicks. That's funny, they don't seem to bother me? She was going to beauty culture school I was the test pig. I had gotten permanents until the time I had it wacked off in the early nineties. God, what happened to me then? I was living in a another state (of mind). I'm no more butch than the man in the moon, yet I tried to dress that way. God, how frightful! I even had my mug put on my credit card. No wonder store clerks look at me strangely. Lord, oh lord thanks - I'm back now. I'm back to being my wonderful, cute self. I love that word!

I look in the mirror and say "your cute!" Well, if I don't who will? And who better to love me, than me! You got to start some place. It just thought it was extra cute that the thirty-something said I was a real catch! I had to laugh and then of course turned red.

Well, I love my hair and I'll let it grow until I look absolutely horrendous and then I'll do something about it. Yes, I'm back to being me. I like the weight that I'm at now, but could be a little lighter. Well, as long as my stomach is flat, I figure I'm on the right track. So, far I have been doing yoga, working out on wieght machines - I joined the new RH's Rec Center because it's newer and half the price of the Y.

No wonder I am so happy: I have no outside influence cluttering-up "me" and my life! I'm just being me and I love it! Just me and Emma!

Oh, I'll date I guess if the opportunity arises, but no relationships. I have to be me and the only way I can be me is to be free! As soon as I get into a relationship there goes my sense of self and identity. So from now on it's a game of catch me if you can! I'm a free spirit and having a wonderful time doing what and when I please.

This is the first time in my life that I am absolutely myself...good bye Mary, good-bye Jane..we will never meet again! Never mind - just signing.

I can listen to the music I want to listen to and when I want to listen to it. I can eat when and what I want.

Who ruled me? My mother, society, the church, men, women. But, I let them. So, now there will be no more of that..

You out there who ever you are.... be yourself. As a child I only got the message that everyone else's thought were more important and everyone else's happiness matters more than mine. Who says life doesn't start at fifty! Fuck these people! I'm better looking, more brilliant, and have more sense than half of them ever did..what rock was I under.

Once more when I die I'm coming back again as a lesbian to the most loving, nurturing, beautiful mother in the world. She will be very supportive of me and my life choices. I will love her dearly. She will lift me up and let me go to seek my nich in the world. I will be extremely self-sufficient, brilliant and happy with many lovers.

Anything I wasted! Well, this is my learning life, I guess. The next one will be much better. If this one gets too boring while I'm waiting for the next; I'll merely take a bus out of here.

Can't Parallel Park Like You

I thought of you last night when K (you haven't met her yet) parallel parked in front of me as I was walking up the sidewalk toward M's. She lowered her window and asked how she did. She had four feet at least in front and back. I had to smile and feel the eternal love in my heart for you.

You my dear, are the champion parallel parking person! The week before, or whenever it was, you were perfect with only about eight inches equally measured in front and in the back. It was beautiful; of course, just like you. I meant to tell you that when I walked in at you were ordering you stuff. You are quit something!

You got this grip on my heart; I don't know, it seems like it may take a while for me to get over it. Maybe I don't want to get over you. I know it's silly! But, none the less, the little grip, is there.

Take it easy and be good to yourself. If you ever need some love'n, call me! Now, I know you don't read this crap, so I can say anything I want. Yes, call me, I mean that too!

Yoga was good this evening - thanks for asking! It was a real workout. I think I need a mental adjustment. I couldn't get it up today - for running either. But, yoga is easy and distracting, so I really don't notice if it is strenuous or not. All in all it was great!

My guitar lesson was great last night too. You can tell I'm in to this, I practiced over an hour today. Did I say my instructor was too cool! And she said I had a very nice guitar - and I agree. I think that other potential customer who was standing there browsing was placed there by my spirit guides. I could tell he played in a band - you know he just had that "rock" look. Anyway, he was very impressed by the guitar and the price. Of course, I bought the one he suggested; I figured he should know. I watched him tune and then play it. It always amazes me how musicans can so easily tune guitars. One of these days, I'll get the knack! Now, I have to practice playing and singing in front of people because you know, I'm shy.

I wish you loved me - I miss you! Like the song: There was something in everything about you. I can make it up to you! Don't throw me away, I'm good stuff. How about, seeing me in between! You know what I mean. I think if just once in a while we see each other, we would have last longer.

My neighbor is finally home - man she puts in a long day. I hear her music - I love it. No, it's not as bad as your neighbors!

I miss you! I want you! Oh well, only a suggestion! Hey, K said I was a real catch! LOL She is cute! Hmm?

Nice day!

I'm having a great life. Things have picked up since I ditched the old one. Things were even better before my summer love left my life.

I'm enjoying my many friends and continue to make new ones. Two new friends recently who are really cool. I'm busy every evening with spirituality, yoga, guitar lessons, M's, poker, dance lessons and soon I'll do yoga during the day so I can attend a writing class in the evening. The course description said bring pen and pencil. Hello, this is the 21st century, I'm taking my laptop and a long cord. Okay, I won't because we'll probably turn them in. She'll never be able to read it. It's non-credited what do I care as long as I get something out of the class. Move over James Frey, seems to me anyone can have a license to whine and complain so I might was well join the crowd.

If the writing fails maybe I can enhance the world by the songs. My guitar lessons are coming on fine. I need to not be too shy when I play. Although this week she played along with me. She is really cool! We have a connection, I believe.

What else. I will have a Friendly Friday night, it's where Julie is playing. You know the one who goes with Michelle the pole dancer. Too cute!

Saturday evening is tazer tag. How I wish you were going. It will probably be as good as water gun fights. I can still see Casey's face when he picked up that water gun and started it all. I miss you! Why do you have to go away? Why can't you be with us? Why can't you be with me - occasionally. You know I don't do relationships either! If we still have trouble talking to each other, then let's not talk; let's hold each other instead and go from there. You'll like it.

What else. I got distracted for a second! Forgot! Frontunners is meeting at the unusal place on Saturday morning. My toes are beat up and I'm losing interest and distance. I'll get back on the Accel Gel and see what happens.

And now I can't eat anything else before yoga this evening at 7:00 PM. It's 4:30 PM now. I guess you are home..she there? I'm kidding!

I have a great fire burning! I have to time the fire right, so it burns down in time for me to leave and walk to the clubhouse. I have met very nice "straight" ladies at yoga. The instructor is engaged and very happy. They were on and off for four years and are finally going to seal the deal. Her ring is very pretty. Some women said it looked old ( I think she meant antique!). I said it looks very elegant...just like Teri another woman added on..

I'm trying to read "The World is Flat" by Thomas L Friedman.. I tried earlier and about fell asleep. I'll try reading more now. But, first I must to the Sudoku in the paper.. I can complete the single star difficulty rating games. But, first I must play a few more songs on my guitiar until my fingers hurt.

There's that hand full of vitamins I need to take yet too! Enough to choke a horse!

Later

I'm glad I can talk to you

Blogging is better than journaling off line; I get the sense that someone might actually read this and maybe even care!

Anyway, I still get the feeling that I'm talking to you when I blog. I missed you this evening. But, I had a very nice chat with the new girl; she's your age and very nice too. She said I was a catch! Now is that too sweet or what? No, I didn't bribe her in anyway. She's going to the lazer tag Sat evening; wish you were going! You would enjoy this, I know. It's about as good as a water gun fight. Damn I miss you!

Thinking about that night remains me how much I still care about you. I'm not out of my head either. Oh well! I wonder why you are really staying away? What's the real reason? I won't flatter myself; I know it's not me. Are you still really into your new love?

Anyway, I can't help it! Well, it works with Teresa; I just have to think about wanting to see her and the universe opened it's arms and there see is! The timing is always perfect so I know our spirit guides are helping to make the connection reality. I have a soul connection with her.

And I believe that there is more of a reason why you and I were brought together...we're not finished yet! Don't you think we have some kind of a spiritual connection? Really, I think that there is something more to this. Anyway, try not to hate me; I could be a good ally to have. I know you know I can't force you to care about me. It's a shame we can't even talk to one another. I know why I can't talk to you (I still love you- nothing has changed!); but I can't figure out why you can't talk to me. God, you must hate me. I must really disgust you!

Oh well, it's not for me to figure out. I was just missing you, that's all! There was a large crowd there this evening making plans for the weekend. I'm busy, all booked.

Damn, too bad I bought all that wood; now I have no evenings to burn it. How, dumb was that? I must have "sucker" stamped on my forehead. I can burn some after yoga tomorrow evening and Thursday evening too.

I am truly enjoying myself and I am very happy; no really! I love my freedom. Loving is so complicated; well for me anyway. I love deeply and for keeps. Don't worry! I have loved many women and they never had a clue; I didn't tell them. I can keep it to myself; I've had lots of practice being a lesbian secretly.

I didn't even take time to eat much today. I mean I'm talking just eating some frozen fruit and peanuts. No really! I had a salad at M's but didn't eat it all; I was telling the new gal (I wonder how long I can call her, "new"?) about my falling in love with Teresa. Yeah! I just said too, then that I had a summer love...no names. I didn't even mention the good T's name.

I love best from a distance - but damn I miss you. I wish I could hold you!

I can't keep my eyes open....so good night! I hope everything is going good for you. Please know that I love you; I'm not bad for you, really! I just wish that I was in your life somehow. Take care okay? Know that I love you and it's an innocent love; it's not selfish and it's unconditional (I expect nothing, no love, in return)! Gee, and that is just what I'm getting!

Maybe I need to go back into therapy! I did miss you a little bit this evening....certain places are harder than others.

My guitar lesson went well; I like her. I'm shy! Oh, I know you don't know that! I'm being scarcatic! Anyway, I need to play more around people so I become more comfortable. I get a little nervous playing for my instuctor; you know I'm weird. You know I get shy. I like my instructor! She is too cool! She was at Christine's the Sunday at Thanksgiving and played. I really missed you that day. I guess your new love got my cornish hen. I thought it was mine no matter what. I thought I had one reserved! I'm kidding! I hope she choked on it! I'm still kidding! LOL Eat my bird will ya!

I wish we were close so I could take you to the beach; I think it should be shared with someone special. Things will come together for you one of these days; they did not me. I could never understand anyone caring about me! Oops, I have to take that back; because I still have a problem with comprehending someone caring about me. I don't get it! I guess I never believe that they really do! Or I'm very much afraid that they do care.

But, you were sad when you left for your first work trip to W. I saw the tears in your eyes. Was it the leaving thing? When I got up and left that night? Was that ever a mistake on my part....we should have talked right then and there..without emails. I told you I loved you, when I left remember. I still do -love you.

No, I haven't made up something in my head that I think you are - I love you for who you are - exactly who you are. The universe put us together - keep that in mind.

Please don't go away for good! Please! And I didn't say anything to Brian; he asked me about you - I said. "I don't know". He said then that he would call you. He is a very nice person.

I was getting ready to leave from breakfast and he was looking at me like he wanting to ask me something. I said. "Do you want to ask me something?"

"Well, I was just wondering where _ has been."

You are very lovable.. and we love you.

Okay, I feel better...see this is my chicken shit way of talking to you. I know you don't see this - so I can pour my heart without reprocussions. If I am correct, I think reading this stuff would only piss you off and push you further away. But, it's my blog, and I need the therapy...so I will continue to pour out my heart here. I will also continue to love you and be here for you if and when you need me. My heart is constant. I saw you with her and I still love you; I want you to be happy; I have no ill feelings. There is no room in my heart for negativity.

I have to go to bed now! I'm good for you...you just don't know that yet!

Just Thinking

My ankles are bothering me. Is it the weather or these running shoes? I think my imagination is getting the better of me, since I am registered for the two half marathons. Now, I feel that I have to go through with them; I've told to many people. I'm weird I know. I shouldn't commit to anything. You know I have a tough time committing to anything.

Damn dog rubbed against the couch again. I moved the stool and used it when I practiced playing my guitar. It was protecting my couch from dog hair because she couldn't get to it. I remember how you-know-who hated hair. I loved the way (and I miss it terribly) you looked for and found the critter wild hair and pitched it. Just one of those warm sweet precious memories I was talking about.

Everyone is going to M's. Please go! I want to see you and I want you to see C&K together; they are in sync and too cute. They are a good match from what I can tell? Cute! Probably just very close friends?

I said yesterday that I was in a good place and you know, I am! I'm enjoying the day, my dog, my life, my friends, the moment. I'm open to new experiences and magic moments - and they will come! I'm just waiting. I have to be in the receiving mode so I recognize the moment when it happens.

The other day when I took my X to the airport, I look at a gathering of pictures matted in a frame on her wall; most of them were of her family, but there was there was one of my mother, sister and me. God, that could not have been me? I was fat with a crew cut. And I didn't think I was fat! I dressed like shit! It was taken probably about six to eight years ago; or less? Then yesterday I saw a torn off return address label from my sister-in-law over there. I'm guessing my X was going to copy it into her address book. Anyway, I had a scary nightmare last night. I woke up frozen with fright; my sister and mother were looking for me and caught up with me. It's the first bad dream since I moved away. I told my X never to tell me if something happens to me - never tell my biological family. I've got to change my trust...damn I wanted you to be part of my family.

I have never had happy dreams until lately. I'm so glad you came into my life when you did; I really needed you. I didn't think I did, but I did need you there in my life. You did good! I felt loved and cared for and connected.

You know I create my own environment, I let things worry me that shouldn't, but I'm getting better. I'm letting it go! It doesn't bother other people why should it bother me.

I took Emma to the park earlier, I think that play ground thing so close to the building is going to mess up my private patio setting I had going for me last year. If only they put the thing toward the back and they would all come in the back door. So, I could still sit out front where the electric outlets are and the sun shines on my skin. Yes, I'm going to have to find another place now. Damn, that place was so perfect; but no longer! Maybe I'll check out the back entrance and tables there once again.

I saw a terrible thing while I was there: A mother walking probably one-hundred and fifty feet in front of her little girl. The poor little thing was only about two or three and tiny. No bonding going on there! She should have been walking with the little girl's hand in her own. How sad! As it looked, she walked, well, led the little girl to the building from the play ground to use the restroom. It broke my heart to see it. And it was her mother; they looked alike. Well, no any kind of woman should have treated a little girl like that. The little girl was not being obstinate, or poking around; she was just walking and watching her mother. Both to the restroom and back again the mother walked way ahead of the little girl. How sad! I had to take Emma and leave at that point! Whew, that scene hurt my heart!

Teresa said that, that day. "It hurts my heart!" I was so broken and she felt that she couldn't fix me; but she did. What a day that was! She handled it and me well. She saved my life! I think about her every day; that magical moment that turned my life around! I love her and always will. She is one of the reasons that I try so hard to keep fit and healthy and be the best I can be. I do it for me and for her. Trust me! I will love her loving heart until the day I die and then beyond.

I love you too-and I wish I could hold you. Walk to the cars with me tomorrow night I want to hug you - oh come on!

I'm tired! I got to bed late last night and up early to meet L for a walk in the park then breakfast. I have to close my eyes now.

Well, it's raining, I waited long enough before I walked Emma again and now it is raining. I just wear my cap to keep the rain off my glasses. It's six at seven I need to leave to pick L up at the airport.

My fingers are sore. I practiced for about an hour; the whole time wondering if my neighbors below me are cracking up.

The doors are too close together. UPS came and three people open their doors at the same time.

I'll practice more tomorrow before and after my dentist appointment. I'm learning several more chords and songs. I wish I could learn them by heart. I'll work on that. I'm such an idiot I get nervous when I play in front of people. What is that - overcoming your fears? I'll work on that. Anything is possible!

Time to go! God, universe, my spirit guides thank you for my many gifts of wisdom, health, wealth, safety, pain-free living, common sense, my youthfulness, the love in my heart, my freedom. And please do the same for the people I care about. I'm thanking you for their many blessings in case they forget.

It's 10:30 PM and all is well, I picked up L from the airport okay. I was on time! And it worked out well, since her cell phone didn't work and she had to use a pay phone. My timing was impeccible!

I wonder if my summer love has ever flown? I would love to show her the beach too? I'll take ya, my treat. She would never stand for that, I know! But, I would do it in a heart beat.

Oh well, I was just thinking it would be nice!

Anyway, pay me no mind, it's all just good therapy - I'd do it though! Just don't get mad and leave me there. Actually, going could be rather in expensive: There is the possibility of the Harry plan and Barb has specials through her work. And there is always doing the research and looking for the best acommadations and flights.

I'm just rambling; but I am serious if you want me to be.

I don't know what your hold is on me but, there sure is one!

I miss you

I wish I could hold you. Yeah, I was just thinking about you...

I hope I see you soon. Please don't worry, I won't take advantge or assume anything if you are nice to me. I promise!

It would just be good to see you.

I am in a good place mentally, spiritually, physicially, emotionally and intellectually. I have no complaint!

I just came back from T&J's from watching the L-Word. C, K, E, and new C were there. New C is in a good place; a very nice person. C & K are cute together; they are in synce and very much so. E is still pursuing S. J was in rare form and T holds it all together. The whole bunch are very refreshing and we enjoyed many humorous moments.

They are wonderful because they do not take life so seriously but are light of heart and very happy. What a delight!

I missed you and I want to see you; but I can't tell you that. Please try to make it to M's on Tuesday; just bring her along. We all miss you.

I'm trying to relate, really I am, because I was there at that point at one time. I couldn't understand any one caring about me and when they they I ran; no matter who they were. I became shy; I wasn't use to it and didn't know how to handle it. It was easier to be invisible. It was especially easy when men cared for me; I could not comprehend. I did not believe that they cared for me at all. I know I hurt a lot of people.

I know you don't care but, I think that you are adorable and very lovable. Some people like me just love to love and do not expect love in return.

Remember I'm at a good place. I measure time in moments; magical moments not in years only in magic moments. You are in my memories of magic moments; you and Teresa. Moments to be treasures forever.

I've had special moments with my X too; funny, good times. Not the same!

I'm at a very good place. I do not envy anyone or anything. I'm at a good place. I know I will have more magical moments - soon.

Right now, today, I'm the best that I can be and I feel in sync with the universe, god and my spirit guides. I think that I am getting the messages I had intended for me to receive in this lifetime. We come into each life time with a plan of lessons to learn; I think I'm learning mine. And most of them just within the past two years. Work had so occupied and cluttered my creative mind; now, I have the time to comtemplate and take in life.

I enjoy every note, every breeze, every ray of sunshine that spotlights my face, every smile I give and the one reflected. I treasure every loving touch, sigh, every kiss, and every loving beat. We are precious beings merely visiting, learning and moving on to the next life.

So, what's the ultimate lesson? To learn to love ourselves? Is it to learn to appreciate our gifts of health, wisdom and wealth and each other. What's the message? I have read recently that before our spirit chooses to come to earth we have a plan to fulfil while we are here; but, when we get here society messes it up for us! Frankly, it makes a lot of sense to me. Between the church, authoritarian parents and society I got screwed royally. So, I had to overcome all of that before I could settle in and even think about what my plans were.

There is love in laughter; it's a precious commodity and it should never fad. There is health in laughter and we should never take life that serious as to drown out the laughter for its a beautiful thing.

We need to be open to those magical moments, are we are going to miss them. They are too precious to miss so watch for them; I do everyday. Of course, I can afford to - I'm oh so free!

If I would have known this, I would have moved and escaped long, long ago. I feel so free of "them". My x is fine, we appreciate our "friendship" now. She is solid ground. Like Teresa's spirit is - solid ground. Once more, she knows it too. Magical moments; that is what they are - magical moments.

Teresa saveed my life and freed my spirit with a hug and kiss on the cheek and loving hands to my face. She freed my soul. I pray for her all the time. Sometimes you know you have to treasure those precious magical moments because you know they are just that. I believe love is a passing thing and something you hold onto in the night.

I treasure and memorized every precious moment with you; every smile, every sigh, every breath and every heart beat. Every kiss to your cheek, forehead, every loving touch of your hair. Watching you sleep! To me you were (are) a most precious being. You shared your heart and that is a precious gift for anyone to recieve. You didn't do me wrong. It was meant to last as long as it did and missing and wishing is just the other side of loving - they go hand in hand because you can't turn it off and on like a switch.

Remember when you found the kittie"? God, I loved your heart that day. I kissed you and held you when you wanted to keep it. I wish I would have known you for a long time. In all honesty I felt a little cheated of your time that day. But, I loved your heart. I hope to god, I didn't hurt you bad or made you mad. I'm so sorry if I did. All I know is that I felt you slipping away and I wanted you so bad and I knew it was coming to an end. I have never loved anyone more. You were adorable when I saw you at M's recently. I know relationships are tough. I wish you could just be youself around me and me you. I would love to listen to what you have to say. But, as it is I think our hearts get in the way.

I hope you are doing okay, I think I do know how your heart works...I know. I can see through all those complicated feelings. Trust me I know complicated feelings; my life has been crap, I let people walk all over me. At least you were not a door mat.

I know exactly what you are thinking....what is she talking about? You live life more on the shallow, it's easier. You get your needs met and then when things get complicated; when that other person gets involved or begins to assume; then it's time to move on. No one will know your heart - you won't take that chance. Guess who you remind me of?