Bullshit!

It's windy, very windy but I'm going to try running. I need to - the sun is out shinny brightly and it's about 50 degrees. But just a little windy.

I'm buying a cell phone from X, now we have to try to make it work. We'll be making a trip to Cingular I think this evening. I will force her to be my audience this evening while I attempt to entertain - I need to overcome my fears. I'm shy when I play in front of the instructor. I hate that!

The instructor, she's curious - I can tell. You know like what's my story, so was C; curious that is. The one that said I was a "good catch"! To my humorous mind that is a hoot to hear. "It was fun hanging out with you." She says as she leaves. Very social, this one!

But, I woke up thinking about you this morning, like I normally do. I still think the universe made me love you for a reason; somehow though, you never got the same message. I don't know why things have to be so difficult. Really, I wish I didn't care so much - it's hard and it holds me back from other adventures. Still, she grips my heart and hangs on like I'm suppose to save her or something. She doesn't need saving or loving, she is perfectly fine just the way she is, in her own private world. I wanted to free her of herself - I can't do that. It's untrue, love does not conquer all.

I can only offer love and if it is rejected then it's rejected and that's all. But, I feel her pain, why do I feel her pain. I have to let it go, I know. I know she hurts and know she feels. She can't relate, she can't feel love for another I think is what she tried to tell me. She goes through the motions because that goes along with love making. She can't hug back and that breaks my heart; she can't feel. It's all turned off. It's only put on hold I'm hoping.

I want to comfort her and heal her with love but it's rejected. She feels she has cheated me because she can't love me back. She's need not feel that way. She can take all the love from me she needs. She need not worry about returning love.

I'm trying to remember how it was when I was like that. I have had many people when I was very young trying to show me love and I rejected it. It's a state of confusion. I wanted love; I hurt reall bad, but when it was offered I pushed it away. It was as if I knew in advance no one could understand my pain and couldn't help me and I don't want you love now go away. It turned me off actually, as if feelings were a sign of weakness. But, I felt empty and hollow. And I only loved beauties and sweetness from a safe distance. I felt love for old girls and movie stars. Females (they were all female) out of reach. Because it was safe. In my head I could create any loving scenerio I dreamed of. But, there were no arms around me. No silky hair, no soft cheeks, and no wonderfully arms around me until the good doctor.

Wow, that is much too long to wait for anything. It makes my heart bleed thinking about it. But the women made me feel so loved, was it because I finally let her in. God, she saved my life. I finally let someone love me.

I can't compare the experience with her to my many years with my X. She and I had a wonderful friendship for many years. There was never no passion. It's hard to explain the different types of love that there must be. I think X was more like my mother not able to show affection. Therapist have told me that we tend to choose types that we are familiar with.

God, my love, when you do free your heart I hope that doesn't happen to you. Please love someone that is warm and will love you back. You need softness and warmth. Don't waste the years like I did. I wasted the best years of my life, because I let society, parents, religion and the media rule my thinking (but never my heart).

I have read somewhere that as spirits, as we are, we have a plan when we decide to visit earth in human form. We choose our parents (in my case to teach me to love myself) and even choose everything about us, intelligence and our looks. Well, that is hard for me to believe sometimes. But, I'll go along with it for me until I see the whole picture. We pick the date and time when we are born. Okay, so if I choose my parents and the time I'm going to be born - thus my zodiac sign (in my case - Libra) I then must have chosen the time that my parents were going to have sex! Right? How else? Unless I just pick like-minded parents. No, my parents were too unique! A couple of Hitler offsprings! Talk about no emotions - well only for herself. And men were not "supposed" (I hate that word, my mother used it all the time) to show emotions. People were ruled by some authoritory laws; how ignorant was that! But, that is what it was all about - rules. If you showed a child affection (whatever the hell that was - a hug?) you risked spoiling the child.

No wonder it took me years to overcome the teachings of society and now I'm fucking fifty years old and have wasted all that time. Now you know why I don't speak to any of those people. They fucked me over! Now you know why I never had kids - I never wanted to fuck them over! I had too much love in my heart to treat a kid that way and my mother would have been right there in my face and I couldn't stand her. Besides I was a lesbian. I was forced to deny my identity. Am I angry, why yes I am. I was cheated out of a life of love, warm and female sex. Sex with men, meant obsolutely nothing to me but pleasure, my heart missed the warmth of another woman lying naked next to me. It had never really happened until the summer of 2005.

Do you believe it? I'm writing the book! For awhile I thought oh why write it; society has changed enough and people are no longer so restricted and so narrow minded - bullshit. I watched LOGO the other day about young people afraid to come out to their parents and others. And I think, this shit is still going on; someone needs to open the minds of people. There are young people killing themselves because they are afraid of disappointing their ignorant parents. People do not give enough credit to very young people and that is because people of victims of organized religions. I know, I know I'm going to hell because I'm going up against the big boys (big WHITE boys) of the church. And I say: "Bullshit!" Just like George Corlin says: "Bullshit".

As you can well see I'm spiritual not religious in my thinking merely because it makes more sense. For one thing, the people running organized religion want to control you they do not want you to realize the divine power that you do have. If you are spiritual there is no need for controlling, money demanding religions. I now I'm going to hell.. And I say: "bullshit".

I'm been bullshited enough in my life. I am here to learn and I have learned quit a bit. I'm choose my sign, Libra. We are balanced, try to keep peace and teach by example (guess I better get out there and run). And I say civilization as we know it now in the 21st century as a long way to go in learning about our purposes in life. I think, from what I am gathering by my spirituality classes is that we are here to love one another. Yes, civilization was we know it as a long way to go. We (not me I'd say religion, media, governement) rule by greed and prejudice. How else can you feel powerful, if you are not kicking some smaller guy around - that is not god like. It's certianly not spiritual. It's like our forefathers writing up the declarations of independence and saying: All men are created equal. What a joke that was. First of all they excluded women and second of all, our forefathers hyprocritically "owned" slaves. Bullshit I say!

And wasn't Chrisopher Columbus our first real terrorist?

You get the feeling you are being used and fooled and that there is some self-serving going on here? Religions and government - big powers that claim to be looking out for us - bullshit. It's all bullshit, they are only looking out for their profits and benefits. You can't be a big shot leader if you don't have peon followers.

Adam and Eve sinned and got kicked out of the garden of paradise. In other words, you better follow the rules are no one is going to like you. Just petty ignorance even in their rules. Remember the witch hunts? No wonder people followed the rules...follow or die.

Communist North Korea. Hello, Mr Bush, why don't you feel those people where their leader is publically killing people to show examples of "do not try to leave the country". Oh, I know why Mr Bush is not worried even about the nuclear weapons the leader claim to be building; there is no OIL there.

You see there is a limited supply of oil left, natural gas, will be the next shortage. So, the creedy little white boys, the bush clan since daddy started in the oil business, wants to claim all the oil in the Middle East. Personally, I think! Although we are getting most of our oil from Africa now and I believe some from Russia. But the bottom line is, we are not in Iraq to democratize their country. They are not helpless in no shape or form, haven't they been getting along without our presence for centuries? We are not there to humane reasons, if we truly were, we would be in North Korea right now. It seems if we are, then our government conveniently picks and choose what country we are going to help? What about fighting communisim in North Korea? What about the poor starving people in Africa dying of aids? Our government just sort of conveniently forgot about the 70's fight against communism when it comes to admittedly nuclear power in the asrsenal, North Korea. I thought we were worried about our security? Hmm, and North Korea is friends with communist China? But, we do lots of corporate business with China; but don't we?

As a matter of fact, our economy is based on China and I believe Japan honoring our national debt loan. Yes, if they defaulted, we would be in big trouble. Where would our economy be then? Hmm, I'm beginning to see a big picture.

Funny, how the media picks and chooses things to attact our attention; you know, like gays and aniabortion laws. Bullshit! Again, I say bullshit! It's a mere diversion, a distraction so the big boys have you thinking about one thing while they pull the wool over the eyes about other things.

Don't you think it's funny how Haliburton and the matter of oil is hardly ever mentioned when it comes to news reports about Iraq?

My suggestions would be for you to read "American Dynasty" by Kevin Phillips and then too read all the books you can. You will find more truths in books; yes, read both sides of the aisle. And then form your own opinion. Are you a mere ditto head or can you read and decide for yourself?

Okay, I feel better - I don't even need that run now. I've decided it's much too windy and will only blow dirt in my face and eyes; not worth it. I'll go to the recreation center instead.

Another good book "The World is Flat" by James L. Friedman. It's all about how American corporations are going global and the question so what country to they honor as far as ideals are concerned. Corporations could have their headquarters anywhere in the world, which country is honored and where is ti all going. It is most interesting! It will definetely affect the job market and your economical future. Personally, I think that by 2020, the world well be at peace, we would have had to recover from more natural (or man made global warming) disasters. By then for sure renewable fuels will be used. I predict that there will be two global organization the East and the West and we will get along, by then people will be enlightened enough to know that war is a stupid human act not a spiritual godless act. One cannot kill in the man of religion and still get away with it! Bullshit!