Catch me if you can!

The wind blows my hair onto my face and in my eyes. Yes, it is getting just that long and I have resisted the urge to "cut"! I am so fortunate because it is wavely. Funny, my mother always insisted I get perms because of my collicks. That's funny, they don't seem to bother me? She was going to beauty culture school I was the test pig. I had gotten permanents until the time I had it wacked off in the early nineties. God, what happened to me then? I was living in a another state (of mind). I'm no more butch than the man in the moon, yet I tried to dress that way. God, how frightful! I even had my mug put on my credit card. No wonder store clerks look at me strangely. Lord, oh lord thanks - I'm back now. I'm back to being my wonderful, cute self. I love that word!

I look in the mirror and say "your cute!" Well, if I don't who will? And who better to love me, than me! You got to start some place. It just thought it was extra cute that the thirty-something said I was a real catch! I had to laugh and then of course turned red.

Well, I love my hair and I'll let it grow until I look absolutely horrendous and then I'll do something about it. Yes, I'm back to being me. I like the weight that I'm at now, but could be a little lighter. Well, as long as my stomach is flat, I figure I'm on the right track. So, far I have been doing yoga, working out on wieght machines - I joined the new RH's Rec Center because it's newer and half the price of the Y.

No wonder I am so happy: I have no outside influence cluttering-up "me" and my life! I'm just being me and I love it! Just me and Emma!

Oh, I'll date I guess if the opportunity arises, but no relationships. I have to be me and the only way I can be me is to be free! As soon as I get into a relationship there goes my sense of self and identity. So from now on it's a game of catch me if you can! I'm a free spirit and having a wonderful time doing what and when I please.

This is the first time in my life that I am absolutely myself...good bye Mary, good-bye Jane..we will never meet again! Never mind - just signing.

I can listen to the music I want to listen to and when I want to listen to it. I can eat when and what I want.

Who ruled me? My mother, society, the church, men, women. But, I let them. So, now there will be no more of that..

You out there who ever you are.... be yourself. As a child I only got the message that everyone else's thought were more important and everyone else's happiness matters more than mine. Who says life doesn't start at fifty! Fuck these people! I'm better looking, more brilliant, and have more sense than half of them ever did..what rock was I under.

Once more when I die I'm coming back again as a lesbian to the most loving, nurturing, beautiful mother in the world. She will be very supportive of me and my life choices. I will love her dearly. She will lift me up and let me go to seek my nich in the world. I will be extremely self-sufficient, brilliant and happy with many lovers.

Anything I wasted! Well, this is my learning life, I guess. The next one will be much better. If this one gets too boring while I'm waiting for the next; I'll merely take a bus out of here.