Just Thinking

My ankles are bothering me. Is it the weather or these running shoes? I think my imagination is getting the better of me, since I am registered for the two half marathons. Now, I feel that I have to go through with them; I've told to many people. I'm weird I know. I shouldn't commit to anything. You know I have a tough time committing to anything.

Damn dog rubbed against the couch again. I moved the stool and used it when I practiced playing my guitar. It was protecting my couch from dog hair because she couldn't get to it. I remember how you-know-who hated hair. I loved the way (and I miss it terribly) you looked for and found the critter wild hair and pitched it. Just one of those warm sweet precious memories I was talking about.

Everyone is going to M's. Please go! I want to see you and I want you to see C&K together; they are in sync and too cute. They are a good match from what I can tell? Cute! Probably just very close friends?

I said yesterday that I was in a good place and you know, I am! I'm enjoying the day, my dog, my life, my friends, the moment. I'm open to new experiences and magic moments - and they will come! I'm just waiting. I have to be in the receiving mode so I recognize the moment when it happens.

The other day when I took my X to the airport, I look at a gathering of pictures matted in a frame on her wall; most of them were of her family, but there was there was one of my mother, sister and me. God, that could not have been me? I was fat with a crew cut. And I didn't think I was fat! I dressed like shit! It was taken probably about six to eight years ago; or less? Then yesterday I saw a torn off return address label from my sister-in-law over there. I'm guessing my X was going to copy it into her address book. Anyway, I had a scary nightmare last night. I woke up frozen with fright; my sister and mother were looking for me and caught up with me. It's the first bad dream since I moved away. I told my X never to tell me if something happens to me - never tell my biological family. I've got to change my trust...damn I wanted you to be part of my family.

I have never had happy dreams until lately. I'm so glad you came into my life when you did; I really needed you. I didn't think I did, but I did need you there in my life. You did good! I felt loved and cared for and connected.

You know I create my own environment, I let things worry me that shouldn't, but I'm getting better. I'm letting it go! It doesn't bother other people why should it bother me.

I took Emma to the park earlier, I think that play ground thing so close to the building is going to mess up my private patio setting I had going for me last year. If only they put the thing toward the back and they would all come in the back door. So, I could still sit out front where the electric outlets are and the sun shines on my skin. Yes, I'm going to have to find another place now. Damn, that place was so perfect; but no longer! Maybe I'll check out the back entrance and tables there once again.

I saw a terrible thing while I was there: A mother walking probably one-hundred and fifty feet in front of her little girl. The poor little thing was only about two or three and tiny. No bonding going on there! She should have been walking with the little girl's hand in her own. How sad! As it looked, she walked, well, led the little girl to the building from the play ground to use the restroom. It broke my heart to see it. And it was her mother; they looked alike. Well, no any kind of woman should have treated a little girl like that. The little girl was not being obstinate, or poking around; she was just walking and watching her mother. Both to the restroom and back again the mother walked way ahead of the little girl. How sad! I had to take Emma and leave at that point! Whew, that scene hurt my heart!

Teresa said that, that day. "It hurts my heart!" I was so broken and she felt that she couldn't fix me; but she did. What a day that was! She handled it and me well. She saved my life! I think about her every day; that magical moment that turned my life around! I love her and always will. She is one of the reasons that I try so hard to keep fit and healthy and be the best I can be. I do it for me and for her. Trust me! I will love her loving heart until the day I die and then beyond.

I love you too-and I wish I could hold you. Walk to the cars with me tomorrow night I want to hug you - oh come on!

I'm tired! I got to bed late last night and up early to meet L for a walk in the park then breakfast. I have to close my eyes now.

Well, it's raining, I waited long enough before I walked Emma again and now it is raining. I just wear my cap to keep the rain off my glasses. It's six at seven I need to leave to pick L up at the airport.

My fingers are sore. I practiced for about an hour; the whole time wondering if my neighbors below me are cracking up.

The doors are too close together. UPS came and three people open their doors at the same time.

I'll practice more tomorrow before and after my dentist appointment. I'm learning several more chords and songs. I wish I could learn them by heart. I'll work on that. I'm such an idiot I get nervous when I play in front of people. What is that - overcoming your fears? I'll work on that. Anything is possible!

Time to go! God, universe, my spirit guides thank you for my many gifts of wisdom, health, wealth, safety, pain-free living, common sense, my youthfulness, the love in my heart, my freedom. And please do the same for the people I care about. I'm thanking you for their many blessings in case they forget.

It's 10:30 PM and all is well, I picked up L from the airport okay. I was on time! And it worked out well, since her cell phone didn't work and she had to use a pay phone. My timing was impeccible!

I wonder if my summer love has ever flown? I would love to show her the beach too? I'll take ya, my treat. She would never stand for that, I know! But, I would do it in a heart beat.

Oh well, I was just thinking it would be nice!

Anyway, pay me no mind, it's all just good therapy - I'd do it though! Just don't get mad and leave me there. Actually, going could be rather in expensive: There is the possibility of the Harry plan and Barb has specials through her work. And there is always doing the research and looking for the best acommadations and flights.

I'm just rambling; but I am serious if you want me to be.

I don't know what your hold is on me but, there sure is one!