I'm glad I can talk to you

Blogging is better than journaling off line; I get the sense that someone might actually read this and maybe even care!

Anyway, I still get the feeling that I'm talking to you when I blog. I missed you this evening. But, I had a very nice chat with the new girl; she's your age and very nice too. She said I was a catch! Now is that too sweet or what? No, I didn't bribe her in anyway. She's going to the lazer tag Sat evening; wish you were going! You would enjoy this, I know. It's about as good as a water gun fight. Damn I miss you!

Thinking about that night remains me how much I still care about you. I'm not out of my head either. Oh well! I wonder why you are really staying away? What's the real reason? I won't flatter myself; I know it's not me. Are you still really into your new love?

Anyway, I can't help it! Well, it works with Teresa; I just have to think about wanting to see her and the universe opened it's arms and there see is! The timing is always perfect so I know our spirit guides are helping to make the connection reality. I have a soul connection with her.

And I believe that there is more of a reason why you and I were brought together...we're not finished yet! Don't you think we have some kind of a spiritual connection? Really, I think that there is something more to this. Anyway, try not to hate me; I could be a good ally to have. I know you know I can't force you to care about me. It's a shame we can't even talk to one another. I know why I can't talk to you (I still love you- nothing has changed!); but I can't figure out why you can't talk to me. God, you must hate me. I must really disgust you!

Oh well, it's not for me to figure out. I was just missing you, that's all! There was a large crowd there this evening making plans for the weekend. I'm busy, all booked.

Damn, too bad I bought all that wood; now I have no evenings to burn it. How, dumb was that? I must have "sucker" stamped on my forehead. I can burn some after yoga tomorrow evening and Thursday evening too.

I am truly enjoying myself and I am very happy; no really! I love my freedom. Loving is so complicated; well for me anyway. I love deeply and for keeps. Don't worry! I have loved many women and they never had a clue; I didn't tell them. I can keep it to myself; I've had lots of practice being a lesbian secretly.

I didn't even take time to eat much today. I mean I'm talking just eating some frozen fruit and peanuts. No really! I had a salad at M's but didn't eat it all; I was telling the new gal (I wonder how long I can call her, "new"?) about my falling in love with Teresa. Yeah! I just said too, then that I had a summer love...no names. I didn't even mention the good T's name.

I love best from a distance - but damn I miss you. I wish I could hold you!

I can't keep my eyes open....so good night! I hope everything is going good for you. Please know that I love you; I'm not bad for you, really! I just wish that I was in your life somehow. Take care okay? Know that I love you and it's an innocent love; it's not selfish and it's unconditional (I expect nothing, no love, in return)! Gee, and that is just what I'm getting!

Maybe I need to go back into therapy! I did miss you a little bit this evening....certain places are harder than others.

My guitar lesson went well; I like her. I'm shy! Oh, I know you don't know that! I'm being scarcatic! Anyway, I need to play more around people so I become more comfortable. I get a little nervous playing for my instuctor; you know I'm weird. You know I get shy. I like my instructor! She is too cool! She was at Christine's the Sunday at Thanksgiving and played. I really missed you that day. I guess your new love got my cornish hen. I thought it was mine no matter what. I thought I had one reserved! I'm kidding! I hope she choked on it! I'm still kidding! LOL Eat my bird will ya!

I wish we were close so I could take you to the beach; I think it should be shared with someone special. Things will come together for you one of these days; they did not me. I could never understand anyone caring about me! Oops, I have to take that back; because I still have a problem with comprehending someone caring about me. I don't get it! I guess I never believe that they really do! Or I'm very much afraid that they do care.

But, you were sad when you left for your first work trip to W. I saw the tears in your eyes. Was it the leaving thing? When I got up and left that night? Was that ever a mistake on my part....we should have talked right then and there..without emails. I told you I loved you, when I left remember. I still do -love you.

No, I haven't made up something in my head that I think you are - I love you for who you are - exactly who you are. The universe put us together - keep that in mind.

Please don't go away for good! Please! And I didn't say anything to Brian; he asked me about you - I said. "I don't know". He said then that he would call you. He is a very nice person.

I was getting ready to leave from breakfast and he was looking at me like he wanting to ask me something. I said. "Do you want to ask me something?"

"Well, I was just wondering where _ has been."

You are very lovable.. and we love you.

Okay, I feel better...see this is my chicken shit way of talking to you. I know you don't see this - so I can pour my heart without reprocussions. If I am correct, I think reading this stuff would only piss you off and push you further away. But, it's my blog, and I need the therapy...so I will continue to pour out my heart here. I will also continue to love you and be here for you if and when you need me. My heart is constant. I saw you with her and I still love you; I want you to be happy; I have no ill feelings. There is no room in my heart for negativity.

I have to go to bed now! I'm good for you...you just don't know that yet!