Funny how suspense movies make my heart race

and the sight of dog and human interacting warmly makes me cry. I miss my rottweiler, Emma.   She got old and died.   I was watching "The Brave One" with Jodie Foster.  It made my heart race because I was scared for her.   I was afraid her vigilante ways would get her killed.  But a good cop covered for her told her to leave.  She left the scene of her crimes leaving behind her dog that the crooks had.  She walked away and the cop unchained the dog.   The last scene was her walking and the dog running up to her from behind.   It was so cool.  It made me cry and stirred emotions long hidden away.   I've been trying to live in the "now" like Eckhart Tolle author of "The New Earth" tells us to do.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I'm stuck in a bad place - so I for one certainly need to live in the moment.   I was missing M while playing golf.   I was missing someone in my life.  I'm okay normally, it's only when I see couples that I realize I do miss a relationship.  But I suck at relationships.  No I do!  I had a good fifteen year relationship which I ended about three and half years ago - already.

When I fell in love with the good doctor.  I miss her.  I miss her arms around me holding me close healing my heart.  She saw my pain.  She felt my pain.  I did not expect her to put her arms around me.   I knew I would never see her again.  I tried very hard to memorize her face that day.  Odd! when she was holding me - up in the left corner of my mind was a dark shadow.  My friend says that why my spiritual guide.   Okay, I'll go along with that.   But, I think too, my spiritual guide had her arms around me.   Did you ever want to be held by someone so much, that when they do hold you, you find you almost can't feel their arms around you.  I wanted to hold her back.   I was almost numb.  I was afraid I would hold her too hard.  I couldn't feel.  

I could feel her heart though, her healing heart - so close to mine.  I think a heart-to-heart spiritual bond was formed then.  It must have been or I've gone completely nuts.  I long for her.  I've been longing for her for almost four years now - in my quiet times - like this.

The shadow, the spirit guide, in a way - let me know that it was okay for me to tell her, let her know I loved her.   Suddenly, the wicked wick from the East face flashed in color before, demanded me to not forsake her for another.  It was weird!  Suddenly I was angry and push the image of my mother away.   I think I had help (the shadow).  From that day forward, I could not stand to be in my mother's presence.   Well, I never really could - but it was almost; in fact, it was impossible to be in her presence.  So much so, that I had to jump up and leave the room.  I know that now when things upset me - I jump up and leave the room.  I don't confront.  I just leave.  Like when M, the woman I was dating, slipped pictures in of her husband, along with hers and mine's vacation pictures.  I just jumped up from the table.  Why would you do that?  She had to know that those pictures were on that CD she made.   Anyway - that's another entry.  Another time!

I kissed that doctor then - on the cheek.  I felt her hair move against my skin.   I felt the softness of her skin. It was magical, spiritual.  She moved me away then, just a bit and put her hands to my face.  Her eyes, so dark deep brown, were an inch from mine.  I wanted so to memorize them (I have).  I wanted to look into them forever. I wanted to kiss her.  I see them now.  I loved her very much then.  I still love her.

Her eyes were wanting to search mine to see what was there - what was going on.  I couldn't look at her.  After a second I looked down.  I did wrong.  I did so wrong to fall in love with her.  Damn, it's been happening all of my life - falling so hard for a woman.   Always out of reach - forbidden - can't have.  My mother was out of reach - when I was small I know.

I fall for women out of reach.  Angels, I can't touch.  Hearts that can't love me back - because they are straight or in another place.   It's imprinted in my heart.  Like baby ducks following the first thing they see move.  The first thing I loved rejected me; kept me at a distance.  I could never reach here.  Yes, it has affected my sex life - tell me about it.

I can't do relationships.  I can do friendships.  My ex and I pretty much had a fifteen year friendship.  I could probably count the times of love making on my two hands.  Cuddling - some.  Not much.  We were matched that way - I guess.  Affection, I guess was at that time in our lives difficult for both of us.   Although we loved each other.  In other ways we were well suited.  In practical, common sense ways.  Oh, I've been to therapist, numerous therapist.  

If I don't have sex for a long time - then okay.  But after a while in a relationships when one little thing is  - I don't know what?  Assumed?  Or different - not what I expected in a person.  I don't know.  I think I turn off because they weren't affectionate enough.  I can't reach the end (reminds me of "Nights in White Satin...").   Anyway.  

I think I did just hit on something and I hope I'm over it now, as I write through it.  Number one, I think I have learned to love and except myself.   The summer of 05 I had the same problem when I dated a 35 year old; I was 57 at the time.  She was fine with me.  I was too at first.  But, then I guess I thought I don't deserve to be loved. Or thought it would end anyway.  You know that self-fulfilling prophecy thing.  I pushed her away.   I truly did.  I pushed her away.   Well, let's put it this way - it ran it course.   Actually, I believe that she was a gift from heaven.  She was what I needed at the time.  She was perfect and temporary.  It took me a year to get over her.

Then came late summer of 06.  I think the missions - the true mission began then.  But first:  You know I think my mind played tricks on my.  For one day in October 04, I heard a plane.  Oh she was low, buzzing my condo on the east side (I moved since then across the river).  It was another beautiful day (magical? I didn't know spirits on the other side could control the weather too.  Guess they can.  I most magical days are beautiful, sunny days.  A plane flew low, very low.  I stepped on my back patio to see a small blue pin striped plane flying from the North towards my condo's roof (yes, that low) as if in making a U-turn.  If the sun would not have been a glare on her windshield I would have been able to see the pilot.  I know I would have.   My brain tells me it was the good doctor.  My heart tells me it was.   See how our mind plays tricks on us.  Wow!  Well, whoever it was sure could fly that plane.  I'm telling you - in my heart I knew it was her.   Checking on me.  I hoped loving me.  But, probably curious, making sure I was alright.

I miss her.  I miss her heart.  I miss her arms around me.  I am out of my mind.   Anyway, long story short.  I ended a fifteen year relationship.  Not because Ezekiel my channeled spirit said the time for us to be together has come to an end.  But because like I told my ex - I felt it was bigger then both of us; the reason why I had to move on.  I hurt her.  I was numb; but somehow felt for sure that I had to do it - move on.  Ezekiel told me the good doctor was trying mentally, emotionally to fit me into her life and found no place.    On one occasion he told me I was shuffling papers and she was doing the technical work.   I was a mess.

In May of 05 I ditched my family (I have no regrets in that department - none at all).   They're gone.  I moved and didn't bother to tell them.   I'm a free woman now!   I've never felt more free.   I'm finally free to be me; although they would say I was always free all along.  I wasn't.  It was horrible It was like being on the outside looking in through the store window at something you can't touch and definitely can't have - out of reach!    No wonder my sex life gets screws up.

The good doctor never left my mind.  I often wondered why.  I mean I can see her being my catalyst to change - but why were the feelings so strong; so deep.   And why is she always on my mind?

Now here comes the real mission I was on.   Or was it part one of two missions and I haven't completed part two yet?   We'll see!   Anyway, that was a lesbian I had noticed for a couple of years; she had been introduced to me through a mutual friend.   There was just something about her.  Maybe something forbidden.   I never thought our paths would cross.  She was dating someone for a long time (besides having a husband at home - she said she would never leave).   Hm?  I didn't know that then.  Anyway, 9/11/06 I run into her at a race enough.  It was the one where I rode ten miles or more on a front flat tire on my bicycle.  Yeah.  I was buzzing along.  And only ten minutes shorter when the year before when both tires remained inflated.  How about that?   Anyway, another long story short I hooked up with this woman, I'll call her M for privacy sake.  We became lovers.  Afternoon delights.  I was on a secret mission and didn't know.  Yes it was secret to me.

You see people (souls) on the other side I realize now can direct us too, not only the weather - I'm finding out.  Anyway, here's the mission:  You see Edy passed in 02 and her 30 year partner Georgette passed a year before in 03.  M had an affair with Edy during their 30 year relationship (yes, soon after she got 'married' to what's his name).  Yes!

So, my mission, and I think Edy picked on me because I went to speak with the spirit of Ezekiel  and because I ran and did some of the same events that M did at the time.  You now my ex once said when I told her all this that she had a hand in it too because it was her idea that we visit the person who channels Ezekiel in 1992 or there about.

So, here is how it went down.   M would speak of her good friend Edy, who was an artist, (now I know who is helping me be artist) and how she missed her.  And I would say - I think she watches over you.   (and that just popped out of no where when I said that.  It was one of those fast, instant, thoughts that just fly out of your mouth but yet feel so right when you hear yourself saying the words - I know weird).   On another ocassion the same thing happened, only I said - I think she would like to speak to you.  No crap - really I said that.  Again the words just popped out of my mouth in an instant, as soon as I thought them.  Almost simultaneously.  Again now I realize it was Edy speaking through me.  Oh, I was happy, content, sure footed, as confident as can be and every thing seems so right - like when I approached her after she said she need someone ( oh you know what I mean!).   So we hooked up.

So, one day another thought popped in my head and I said if I make an appointment with Ezekiel for you would you go and she said "yes".  So we went.  She got nailed.  But the woman is very stubborn and she won't leave him (the husband).   I listened to the tape and the next part is truly fascinating to me it explains the "mission".  Then I hear Ezekiel ask M if there was someone she would like to speak to and she replies yes Edy.   And Ezekiel said well she is right behind you pacing patiently.   So they chat through Ezekiel, back and forth.  And then M asked Edy if she sees Georgette and Edy replies "no" and I miss her.  So questions are asked if she would like to bring her forward and Edy said "yes".  So Ezekiel asked M what Georgette's last name is.   Ezekiel repeats it and bingo - here comes Georgette.  I am not kidding!

Georgette and Edy embrace.  As Ezekiel puts it the melt together; they blend; they intertwine.  When I listened to the tape I see faint, see through spirits, some how appearing like roaring twenties flappers dressed, and thin.  Don't ask me why it's the first image that came to my head when I was listening to the tape.  I was listening to it with M.  She was sitting and I was lying on the floor listening close to the radio/ tape playing on the floor so I could hear it good.  I looked up and M was crying.  I went to her and kissed her on the head.  Before that though while I was laying there and listening and caught on to what just happened I let out a big "cool".  "That is so cool".   M, you brought them together again; we brought them together again.  It was really cool.   I was the coolest thing that has ever happened to me - accept for seeing Jesus Christ, in the form of a bum on the Metro ( that's a totally different entry - but really cool too).

So now I feel that I have one in the bank.   And Edy owes me a favor.   So here goes.  You see I have this void in my heart.   But I know that I have to be in a good place for a relationship to work for me.  It's me more so than the other person.  But sometimes I think, if the right person did come along - one that I truly needed and suited to my crazy self then I wouldn't have a detacted emotional, physical problem any more.  I think I lost that physical loving feeling because the previous women in my life perhaps, just weren't what I needed.   I know what I need.   I have always known what I need and I found that in the good doctor.   But something went wrong - because the good doctor is straight.  Hello!  up there - I'm a lesbian needing a lesbian.  But I want her just like the good doctor - since apparently - I can't have the good doctor.. no matter how or why I still feel like I do for her.

That is so weird!   Why did I fall so hard.  Well, in retrospect I can see why I had to fall hard for her - my catalyst to change to get me to M, so we could help Edy.  I guess this is all Edys's planning.  M once told me that Edy gets what she wants.  I truly believe that now.  I've seen pictures of Edy when she was young in her WWII uniform and against at about 65 somewhere in there when she was seeing M.  Yes, M was thirty years younger - a little more than the age different between my summer love of 05, D and also the same age difference between me and the good doctor.   I have much younger friends too, now.  I totally love them.  They are partners.  In fact I have several younger friends I now through running and walking groups.  They're just fun.

Anyway, so every once in a while I have to write about all this to keep from going totally crazy.  But, really, the movie and seeing my friends (couples) this evening, made my heart ache a bit.  And I'm missing M too.   I know we see in people what we need to see about them at the time we need it.  And that is why certain things, like relationship, or mine and the good doctor's brief but many life times lasting, moments are so precious to me.   Some wonderful, magical experiences can take place in minutes but last many lifetimes.

Want to know something else.  Right before the time of the East side fly over, I read somewhere that the good doctor appeared on a certain channel, so I taped the program.  Damn, one day she was briefly on one and I accidently erased it - but after a frightened, disappointed moment I knew in my heart I would see her on the program right away again.   So I kept tapping the show and yes, after a short time she was on again and this time featured throughout the whole show.   See, how magical?   Oh, get this.  After I moved here, I got cable and saw it again and saved it on the Moxi DVR.    Then I got rid of cable and got AT&T U-Verse (which I love) and was again afraid for a second but in my heart I knew I would see the repeat again - and yes, shortly there after I did see another repeat of the same show.  So now I have that save on my AT&T U-Verse DVR.  Is that too cool!  I say - go Edy go!   

Wait I"m not finished.   In february I saw the good doctor again. Well, I never watch the evening news, but on this particular day, M was here and requested to watch the evening news.  Two minutes in - BINGO!   I see the good doctor.  I backed up and record the whole thing.   Now, is that good magical.  Edy  at work I guess.   Thanks Edy.  Please stay with me I need your help.  First of all, I need a clear, brilliant, talented, witty, cute, youthful, wonderfulness about me.  I need my sexual (mental) problem taken care of and I think maybe I should have a good doctor to take care of that.  Actually, I'm scared to death.   And I'll know when something is right - because I know now, when it's right and I'm on a mission (hello Edy - this time for ME please) that I feel as confident as can me and things are timed perfectly and turn out magically.   There is noting more exciting that that.   If I can't have the good doctor - and it has to be right for her and me - and it must be someone just like her and makes me feel the way she does.  She must fill that void in my heart and soul and I think I'll have sexual healing.   (hey, there is nothing wrong with sex  - it's the church that might have screwed me up too - anyway that is what M claims).

So, I"m excited about my future - in fact I can hardly wait.  Each day, I spend at least a couple of hours for my physical health, then I may read, draw, do yoga, run, walk, play golf, swim, journal, blog, sing and play my guitar.  I have a wonderful life.   But, damn, I feel like I'm on a mission - once again.  I mean something is stirring the stars around tonight (and "I'd really love to see you tonight" 'from another song'0.   So, we'll see.  I'm exciting - about has excited as running in that half marathon this past Sunday.  No seriously.  Again - another beautiful day.

And then the day after I had a wonderful time riding 40 miles on my bicycle - oh around a local park out of traffic.  I did four loops and two big hills each time.  Loved it!

Yesterday and today I swam, hit golf balls, today I played nine hole with friends.  Loved it!

I have so much love in my heart with no place to put it.  I want to be in love.  But she must be like the good doctor - I think she and soulfully connected.  We, she and I, had a wonderful spiritual moment.  I know, I can't speak for her only me.  I could have been a total nuance.  But, I felt so at ease and so at home with her.  It was wonderful!   Edy was that all for "the mission"? Or was there something there?  I need to know more.  I need, if not her, someone just like her..just like her with a warm, loving, wonderful, warm heart, so feminine (please no butch), blonde, youthful, active, healthy conscious.  Someone who embraces life like I do and doesn't complain for dig their own graves ( I mean create their own negative realities and environments).  You know we do.  We create our own misery most times.  We need to be "in the now" and one with the universe.   

Okay, here is how it works for me.  Whatever I am doing, I put myself in the present moment and try to keep centered there and focus.  If my mind wanders I bring it back - yes, over and over again.   I find that when I am centered in the moment - things, wonderful ideas, that I remember for a long time afterwards (no need for notes) stick in my mind.  Really.  Same as when I am well rested I perform, get good ideas, and remember things so much better.

So, now onward and forward.   I discovered a wonderful thing for clear minded energy - Cliff Bloc (gell blocs with green tea extract)  great stuff.  There are about six little blocks in on bag and I found that just taking one - gets me wanting to do things, like running, swimming and more.    Great stuff!

Time to draw a little to warm up for meeting the drawing group tomorrow.  Yippee!  My favorite model will be there - she is so cool!   And straight!  Breaks my heart!  Why do all the really cool ones have to be straight.   And for once I want a desirable (well, in my opinion) woman to come on to me.  I always have to make the initial move.  This time I want that wonderful woman I just requested to come to me first, to make the first move or at least be mutual and appear to meet me half way.  Help me out here - please.   

Also, I hope that I have learned enough about myself to maintain my individual self in the next relationship.  I think I am getting so much better.  And I want to be so sexually, magically enmeshed that we are in sync.   Sometimes I think I want someone who plays music so they have wonderful rhythm.   No, really.  Wonderful rhythm with a big wonderful heart.  Someone who can carry on a two way conversation - the good doctor and I could.  Oh, there I go again - dreaming of the impossible.

Thank you universe for all of my many blessings, of talents, energies, good health, wonderful, loving friends, happiness, contentment, my being safe and healthy - I thank you for that.  And if my friends forget to thank you - well please allow me to thank you for them.  I know they are grateful but sometimes they just forget.   Thank you for being my car, clean, neat, nice, no dents, etc., I love my little car and wish to keep it for a very long time.  Thank you for keeping everything in my home nice and in working order - and me too.   Thanks for keeping me youthful, active, agile, flexible, painless, mighty, talented, loving, happy, brilliant, loved, and happy.   Please take good care of my ex too, I can't imagine my life without her in it.   Thank you so much!   And I hope Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette are doing well and are very happy.