Holy Ones in Disguise?

The over weight woman with the big authorative mouth to match who is making me lose my concentration - is she the holy one in disguise?Or how about the stinky and I do mean stinky old man whom I literally had to move upwind from (no he didn't have a clue - he was too busy talking to everyone. He knew everyone by name). Finally. The stinky paint dried, the big full-of herself, fat woman with the large voice, and the stinky guy (no they were not together) left the patio of the visiting and eating establishment with the free wi-fi and the most wonderful breeze.Only a very quiet, very involved student with a huge textbook sits near by, with curled concentrating, trying posture. It's true about everything in life - which wait long enought and the paint dries and the people change - passing in and out of my life. The little identical wrens remain however, constantly searchng for crumbs.The old, dirty, extremely loud Camero drives by again and vibrates my eardrums as I sit in this corner, in the shade, under a large green umbrella. Soon I'll have to scoot this table and chairs around, I'm beginning to feel the warmth of the sun.

It's almost eightly degrees today. The ground is damp from yesterday's rain, and the grass, I swear, is growing fast and greener right in front of me as people and kids stroll by unnoticing.A warbler sits on the freshly painted black shiny rail and sings a songs that sounds of a cell phone ring; or should that be the other way around?I came to the park to run, eat, sit, read ( I have three books to finish and return to the library tomorrow) and write. I love to blog. It's a wonderful thing - blogging. It's putting your feelings and thoughts out there to someone who just might drop by regularly and actually care or act interested. Sometimes I do get comments back.I took a bike adventure on my own for two days from St. Louis to Herman. Yes! I blogged the adventure upon return and actually received a compliment from a viewer. He said it was interesting, well written and flowed very nicely. I wonder if he knew just how much it was appreciated. So, blogging is the possibly of maybe being heard; like sitting and pouring feelings and thoughts to a friend.I'm reading Dee Dee Myers book entitled "Why Women Should Rule the World". Women are wonderful creatures even if they are told they are not and should serve others and put others first. Our masculine driven soceity gives women low self esteem for a reason - to keep them in their place - down on the farm, barefoot and pregnant.I think women tough my heart because I understand them; I can relate and I'm a lesbian so I am particularly partial and when I see a straight couple I often wonder - just what is in it for her?I was born to make love to a woman. I have yet though to a woman of my dreams - soft, tender, able to give and receive.

My down fall? I have crushes on straight women. I love their femininity. I'm feminine too. My age group of lesbians however, are more gendar rolled match. The last women of my age I was with I swear and dual personalities. It's true what they say about butch in the streets, fem in the sheets. But why? Just be a woman for god's sake.But, I know hormone levels vary or electrical wiring of our brians vary. I cared about her, even loved her. I understood her, I think. But, just couldn't deal with the multi persons I saw. She was more fem in her teaching role. Nice figure. She became butch around other lesbians and liked to wear sleeveless to show her muscles. She insisted upon carrying the cooler to the backyard BBQ which immediately put me into a role I didn't care for.I dated too many men in the past and certainly knew I didn't want one of them. I wanted to drive the car. Recently she and I were on vacation and she drove "me" everywhere. Even to Walgreens one evening when I wanted to get something and could have driven myself. She was quiet like a man and very welling to do anything I wanted; that part I actually liked in her. In my last relationship I did everything she wanted - it was just easier that way.

Yes, and I lost myself and fell in love with the most tender, warm doctor whom I still love and will love even after I have pasted on to another plane. No I don't believe in the finalizaton of death. Our spirits (souls) do not die.There is something magical about the way I feel about the good doctor. She's with me always in my heart. We had a very brief, one of those moments, where our hearts were so close together that something happened, I believe, to both of them. I think they bonded. I know she hasn't forgotten me because she asked about me recently. Yes, after almost four years. I floated at least five feet off the ground for a week when I heard this.She was heaven sent to me. You see I she was my catalyst to change; to a new adventure a past spirit wanted me to take.

Should I tell you the whole story?I was in a fifteen year relationship; then my partner needed an operation. I know many patients fall in love with their doctors. I wasn't the patient. This feeling is much deeper; more like a spiritual connection. In retrospect I have it all figured out. I can look back and connect the dots. It all began when my partner took me to a pyshic fair and I spoke with Ezekiel, a channeled spirit. He nailed me. Through the years I had spoke with him at lease once a year. One day I must have, in a generous moment, offers my help to someone on the other side.And then things began to change and I know the important points where I was specifically led because normally I don't react that positively to anything. I usually worry or ponder for days, even longer. But, certain events happened that I felt so sure about. And I made them happen. I initiated hooking up with my ex of fifteen years. I initiated the separation too telling her (as Ezekiel advised) that out time to be together has come to an end.Then I met and dated a 35 year old one summer. Well, I made that happen too because I "had" to date men in my thirties and I felt cheated out of being with women and having sex with women. Which is what I really wanted. I have lived a lie most of my life by not being allowed to be my authentic self. Sooner or later it emerges - my did.I'll cut to the chase my fingers are getting tired of typing. I met M, the butch, and she spoke of E and G and how they had been together for 30 years (they were lesbians. I was jealoul). M had an affair with E during that time. E died in 03 and G died in 02. M took care of E.Here's where the magic comes in. M would speak of E and G; but mostly E. She was an artist. I reminded M of E. E usually got what she wanted I learned. I found myself saying. "I think E watches over you" and then on another occasion when she spoke of E I found myself saying. "I think she would like to speak to you". So I then found myself suggesting I make an appointment for M to speak with Ezekiel. M finally agreed after the third time I brought it up. Or, she probably agreed from the get-go, I just never got around to making the appointment. But something (or someone) kept bugging me to do it. So, I did and we went to speak to Ezekiel.Of course M got nailed. Then after a bit Ezekiel asked M if there is anyone she would like to speak too and M said E. Ezekiel says oh she paces back and forth behind waiting patiencely. So M and E exchange warm greetings. Then M asked E about G, does she ever she her there. "No, and I miss her" replied E. So Ezekiel steps up to the plate and asked M what G's last name is (see, M's mission is completed. My mission was to get her there in the first place). In a nano-second G is there and E and G embrace and melt together Ezekiel discribes to M (it's all on the tape that M gave me). So you see it?

So, as I see it, my mission was to retire - get to thinking and then split up with my partner of fifteen years so I could get out there in the dating scene and get M to speak with Ezekiel so as to re-unite E and G on the other side.When I listened to that tape it was was very clear. I split from my family too and moved to another state and city. Actually, I followed my ex, which Ezekiel has predicted. Yes, I live close to her and we are the best of friends. She has another partner now. I like her. They are good for each other. Me?I'm waiting for my next mission.

I'm open to it as long as there are positive things in it for me and I know the spirit world knows that. I have come to realize that spirits on the other side not only help us - we can help them. Is that too cool?My only question? Why am I still in love and feel so connected to the good doctor. Some people get sick when they need to change their life - I subconsciously choose to fall in love to create that shake up I needed to move me on.But why do I still think of her all the time. And I see her on TV. Now, I'm at the point where I know I will see her from time to time. Well, I had a medical documentary recoved and when I moved I lost it. Well, they played repeats so I got it again. And two years later I change to a different TV service but I wasn't worried I knew that program would rerun again and I could record and keep it again. And yes within a month after I got the new service I got it recorded again. Magic? No, it's E and G returning the favor. And then one evening M was over and wanted to watch TV and we came across her again in a short special medical informative piece. Just by chance? I don't think so.I know in my heart - what took only a few moments - will last many life times. She held me close, unexpectantly and changed my world - and healed my heart. She thought she couldn't help me but I think she knows that she did. I think of her all the time. I wonder why?

I realize she was my catalyst to change - but why so deep and so long with no letting up are my feelings for her. I thought of her when I was seeing M too. Odd! Maybe that's it - maybe she's only remain a fantasy to me - a dream just out of reach. It's the way I lived my childhood. I got my affection needs met through fantasies. My loves were always just out of reach. Maybe because of that I can't love or keep someone within reach. No, that's not it. My ex and I are still very close. I think we respect and care of each other even more now. So, why did I fall so hard and so long for the good doctor.That's the mystery! Personally, I think E and G have a plan and I can't wait to see it play out. I'll know when I am entering the rim of that plan because I'll feel very confident and sure of myself and the right words and actions will automatically happen. It's quite fun actually to other youself up like that - to be guided spiritually.

So, I live my life in a state of nuetral now allowing thoughts and things to happen.I'm about to leave this park now and go home. My here comes a little mother with a big wide children's carrier with two little ones in it. Women are remarkable! I truly believe it's the year of the woman. Recently two women commanders met in space; a woman just hit the asphalt ceiling in Nascar by winning and Hillary will be our next president. I'm so excited. Women are wonderful intuitive beings who think about how actings affect another; who would rather negotiate then fight or go to war. Women want to work together and cooperate to reach a positive goal where men bicker and compete and are ready to fight.

Men are hunters, aggressors and conquerors and women want to get alone and work together for a common goal.I do feel the feminine positive energy in the air and it is so appreciated and needed. Deepak Chopra talked about it in one of his books saying the yin and yang are unbalanced and a balance needs to be reached.Here's to the year of the woman. I'm excited about my personal adventure and I'm excited about women's adventures breaking through the glass ceiling everywhere. Doctors have all female teams in operating rooms. When I first saw it was I filled with hope. The factory or mechanical atmosphere was changed drastically to a warm, homelike, caring, loving, and most importantly "healing" atmosphere. Yeah, and the good doctor was there leading. Magical?