Could get Lazy

I'm resting my leg again today because it was hurting a bit after running on it last night for about three miles with the running group. I'll go to yoga this evening - it'll be fine.

I miss the good doctor today. I must have hit my head the other day when I fell - again. I guess. I'm just a humble servant of the universe I guess living in the moment - no past no future. I don't plan. I don't remember. Love is out of reach.

It's amazing - if I get physically active I don't get despressed. In that respect yoga will be good for me this evening. In the morning I'll pick my friend up from the airport. I have art in the afternoon. In the evening I'll run. My young coupled friends like me. In a way I envy them. They are in a fun and interesting phrase of their lives - but all of life should be that way.

I have a hard time with love. I did better with the afternoon delight thing but it progressed into us being a couple - on the side of her marriage. Yes, married - I said. (which would be just perfectly fine if she were more my type. I could do that secret afternnoon delight thing). I should have kept it just afternoons - but she planned bike trips and running trips and before you know it I'm inviting her to my stuff and then it blew up. She's not my type - too butch! A man is a man I don't care what body you are in - they teach, preach, and drive the car. Not gentle. Not affectionate. Right to the sex (yes, pretty much)- like going to work. Maybe that's way I couldn't do it anymore.

I have a heart. I want someone I like to go to loft open houses with, free concerts in the park, things like that. Laugh together - be on the same spiritual plane with. I miss the good doctor. A warm heart - would be very nice. She'll meet me half way. Plays in the park - leaving at intermission to go home and have more wine and add sex will be missed this year. It was fun.

I miss the sex. I hope it's not a real long summer - lonely. She needs to drop out of the sky now - she needs to meet me half way. It's hard to find feminine lesbians, who are closer to my age, who are physcially well and emotionally happy and fit and trim and active. Why are all active women straight? I am I damned? It's very hard to be a lesbian - very.

Don't like butch - too much like men. Maybe I"ll go straight! That's impossible I could never go straight - it's not in my makeup. I lived the straight life in my thirites. Then I gave up. Then I lived with a very good friend for a long time. And then I got a crush on an angel - and that hasn't fadded, not with the younger woman, and not with the woman my age...the crush on the angel remains - always on the back of my mind.

I need physical contact or I fear I'll die or break down and call the past up. Common sense stops me. I don't want to get her here and tell her no again - for I fear it will happen again. God, I need the touch of a woman. It's only been a whole frigging month?

Oh, I'll survive! I'm better alone anyway - don't have to worry about anyone's feelings. Don't have to please. I'll feel better after I walk with my friend on Friday morning - she has rotten luck too. No! She's not my type. No! "That kind of" connection there.