Relationships

and how we struggle to fit their needs. Well she and I really don't have any problems, ourselves. Well, we didn't at first but then I pulled back because of rather negative comments she made about her family and perhaps..friends. Well, I guess minor and rather like most families. Just them being straight is a stumbling block right there.. straights are so righteous.. (the church would love to hear me say that.. it's what "they" preach after all) But, it's been so comfortable the last four years after I ditched the straight world..that I almost hate to return to it's righteous blind eye towards homosexuality.

This morning I was thinking of a straight friend I had back when I was in my mid 30's. I had a crush on her.. so listened intently, for whatever reason now I'm not sure, about her boyfriends payments to his daughter and how she was going back to court time and time again so she wouldn't have to pay it. I swear I listened to her irritating voice for hours on end with a stupid (now that I think of it) sympathetic ear. What a fool I was putting others emotions, time, and feeling and stuff in their lives before mine. I've done this all my life taking the backseat..keeping my mouth shut..for they weren't really interested in what was going on with me anyway. And where did it get me? No where. Yet when it came to me.. expressing my thoughts, even in my own bad mis-pronunciation I was reprimanded, corrected and cut off left embarrassed and deflated I merely gave up...it was't worth it. Some stings last a long time.

And what about this relationship... if I give, there will only be more emotional demands and trauma which usually cuts into my sexual response and never theirs.. seems nothing ever effects the women in my life's (or men of the past, for that matter) sexual orgasms, but mine it does. I hate my mother! The woman set me up for emotional and relationship failure. I lived in an isolated emotionally, intellectually negative environment. She could never be pleased. Nothing was right! They say for some dumb reason..we look for relationships like familiar relationships no matter how bad the past familiar relationship was.. so there you are.. my life in a nutshell.

I listened to Oprah's friend Gale's XM radio program on the way to take my ex's car to get her oil changed and heard the male guess speaker say that he had to relearn emotions and get in touch with his emotions and learn to express them in order to maintain his second marriage. He said we unconsciously try to get from our life partners what we never could get from our parents or care takers of our childhoods. Yeah and pronounce words wrong...a total disaster because whatever you are trying to say..is ignored for the outspoken correction of your mispronunciation. An embarrassment and deflation of an already fragile self-esteem...but what they have to say is more important than whatever you ever had to say. And it happens with every relationship. What are you going to do for them or it's a deal breaker.. just like my mother! And they want to know up front or they cut you off..in more ways than one. Why are they so perfect and I am not? Is what I want to know. I began this relationship with confidence.. it's fading already.. because I see now where I have to .. bend.

So have I solved anything here with journaling my feelings and concerns.. it is said that the answer always lives within we just have to dig down and pull it out. If I go along.. is it the end of my enjoyable sex life.. because I have given too much of myself? It's happened in the past.

But, more recently before this relationship... I was seeing a very busy married woman..she was running everyone's life so it seemed. She was her kids bank or maybe he was. I have my own opinions about that.. having to fend for myself my whole life..no hand outs for me. I learned that up front at a very tender age. My family was a bunch of takers not givers.

So and loving my former long term ex dearly.. there was pain there too... a diminishing of my self until I took it back again. So, yes, I am hesitant and aren't we all. Hey, we're not kids anymore..this stuff isn't new.. and we've learned along the way, sometimes much to our detriment rather than emotional gain. So I ask the universe to help me out here. I ask my special spiritual guides Emma, Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette, my couples counselors, to help me out. I ask them now to lead me down the correct path to love and soul enrichment. Oh why do all loves comes with...stuff.

Sometimes, don't you wonder why we must deal with all the "family" stuff. Family certainly gives an assumed feeling of "ownership" and "permanence" that is assumed and taken for granted.. like we're never going to get tired of it and abandon ship.. like anything can be said and done and we'll stick around. What a joke! What's the saying.. the manipulative and controlling saying, "blood is thicker than water"..don't think so!

But, I think I can put myself in neutral and pretend.. it's casual and not life threatening. And the sun's out and I'll go for a mind, soul searching, run..the sun is warm and nourishing and it's god's spotlight on me.

Twenty minutes have elapses since I posted this entry.. and upon reading my email..Yes! Life is truly magical. Thanks so much Edy and Georgette.. and Emma and Ezekiel, of course. Well, she had sent me email wanting to come over Thursday evening and spend the night and the day with me on Friday.. which wonderfully opened the door for me to ask to go with her Friday evening if she still had plans with her friends... if I'm invited, of course, I said.. So, thanks universe.

Thank you universe.. for my immediate mgaical answer and you'll super laser flash fast response.. it truly is a wondrous, glorious, magical, sun-shiny day! I will do the run now for good measure.. I love you guys! I say that with tear filled eyes..