Never had the urge

I see families and couples that are happy. It's a novelty to me. I never had that growing up. There was always arguing. I never felt wanted and don't remember any hugs and kisses and cuddling. I remember an aching heart. Lonely. Like now at times.

I'm clueless about relationships and pick them apart, chase them away; they go on. I'm left lonely and hurting. No one comes to me or even meets me half way regarding affection for romance. I don't think that I can acknowledge or believe being loved.

Someone has to make and take the extra effort. I'm lost in that department. I stay at a distance. A distance I have always known. I'm probably very hard to get along with. I absorb and analyze until I'm crazy. I hang on until I blow. Then, alone, I'm comfortable again; safe in my own knowing-where-everything is world but only for so long then get lonely again.

Yet, I still make myself uncomfortable by pushing the mark and taking on feats that make me anxious about being able to complete them. So then I bail. I can't commit.

Sometimes I'm not good company especially having been around loving couples. I don't get it. I hurt and ache and wonder why in my 60th year I've never witnessed or had compatible only combative relationships, by which I initiate. I only knew fighting and arguing not joy, laughter and cooperating while growing up. My heart bleeds. Old habits are hard to break.

I just don't understand why all loves presented to me stay at that distance I have always known and therefore redeem safe? While my heart aches.

It makes me want to rush the rest of the way through this life and get back here in another life, another time. Quickly! I have my next life all planned out. I'm a lesbian again only next time it's as normal as normal is. I have wonderful happy, loving, supportive, encouraging parents, who both hold, kiss and cuddle me. I'm a happy loving kid because I am loved and shown and see love around me. My relatives are wonderful - not like now.

I don't understand families now in this lifetime; they are mean and hurtful, secretive, manipulating, controlling, demanding and carry on only about themselves. I was the odd man out. I never do fit.

I'm tired now - so I'll sleep on it and dream of love, sweet love.

It's why as spirits we come here to earth - to find love. I never knew that. My dad spit and snorted when the stupid word "love" was mentioned. They were angry! He proudly admitted marrying so he could rent the farm he wanted to rent. That was what our supper tables were like. Physically I was find and got good healthy meals but emotionally I was hurting. I sat in silence and listened to accusations and arguing and shouting. I had no allies, no sweet anyone with arms to crawl up into and hide. I shivered with cold and lack of warmth and it stuck with residual effects a life time's worth.

I learned at a very early age not to count on anyone. Not to trust! Don't expect love and it's probably why I don't find it.

I love my friends. I miss the married woman I was seeing because among other things she held me and kiss my head and I knew she loved me. I never got my head kissed as a kid but I saw wonderful loving women show love that way to their kids.

So life goes on and sometimes I wonder why? Hey,I get the point! I'll remain lonely and alone - it's the way I began and I guess the way I'll end - this lifetime. So what was the lesson. So why does everything have to be so cold and cruel and loveless. Why do so many people hate - usually themselves and it gets projected onto innocent people.

I don't understand. So, I'll sleep on it and maybe just maybe I'll have that loving sweet dream again; the one where she loves me.