It's raining now and the temperature is 35 F degrees and according to this hourly weather map I'm looking at the temperature should stay hovering right over the freezing mark.
If she gets here, she can stay here. I am so ready to see her it's been over a week now. I need to see her...or I'll fucking kill myself. Don't piss me off enough.. or I'll just do it.
Yesterday the temperature was in the 70's so the ground should stay warm enough for a while. I'm getting antsy (restless or impatient).
Actually, my heart isn't into the dinner this weekend..sense the mystery is over with A and she is with A..it's no fun anymore. Besides, I'm jealous of all the giggling. I missed out on those days way back when life was straight and narrow and there were no lesbians on this fucking planet..except for fucking big mean butch dykes in boots and flannel. No thanks, I thought, I'm already with a man..thank you kindly. No wonder I was depressed and hopeless! I deserve a fucking second chance and I'm taking it. You ass holes.. how dare you jerk me around like me...I'm fucking pissed!
I am so fucking jealous and stupid to think I even stood a chance. My gut hurts with jealousy..there I said it.
Funny how things change. Why on earth do older lesbians think they have to dress in kakki and polo? I just don't get it?
Anyway, why am I going on about the "dress". I am so jealous, I can't see anything else in my head but them two together. I need to get over this. I did it to myself. I am a fucking idiot! A damn fucking asshole idiot!
Yes, we certainly do create our own fucking realities..there was the doctor two years ago and now this fucking mess. Why do I do it to myself? I wish I was dead. I wish I could die and just start over again. How did this life get so fucked up - from the time I was born - to those idiots in that horrible selfish, loveless environment. Why did I even stick around this long and put myself into all this fucking misery? Why can't I have what I want for a fucking change? I'm tired of sitting on the side lines thinking I desire fucking nothing...see what those assholes did to me; and the fucking catholic church...may they all burn in the hell they choose to believe in. Fucking idiots! There is no hell, you jack offs...you are living it now! Oh, all except the priests and the big shot old fucking white men to make up all the fucking rules in their favor of course.
Yeah, let's keep the women down, where they fucking belong. Why would any women want to marry one of those fucking idiots who think they fucking know everything.
See what the church as done to me and years of isolation growing up with evil dog murdering idiots. They are all self serving hypocrites. Why was I born so soon. Why didn't I wait! And why did I choose those ass holes?
Where is my chance? Where is that love I always needed? Bunch of fucking assholes!
Create our own realities...bull, fucking, shit! What a fucking crock! Some people would do anything to sell fucking DVD's.
I never had that happiness.... that exhilerating happiness...never. I never had extreme giggling and happiness filled with loving sex. It's not fucking fair! You fucked me over!
Now, that I'm all fucked up in my head..it's too fucking late. Ass hole humans and the fucking universe.
You fucking dangle it right in front of me.. but yet I never get my dream. Why! Hey fucking universe, I'm talking to you! I want to know why? If this is my reality and I can create my reality, then why did all this happen to me...why did I fall in love with her and why is she right now with someone else? I did not create this!!!
Why did the universe fuck me up... and don't say I created my my own reality. I'm not buying that fucking bull crap. You are not putting the blame right back on me..assholes. I'm pissed! She was meant for me... not her...me! Me! You fucking assholes!
Stop fucking with me! Ass hole son-of-bitches! I hope you're fucking happy! She was supposed to be mine! T and this one..were supposed to be mine.. you fucked me over and I'm pissed!
Get it right.. you ass holes! Get it fucking right... or get me the fucking hell out of here and off this fucking planet! You pissed me off one fucking last time...screw you..
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